30 Minutes or Less Quotes: Fast and Forgettable!

(Total Quotes: 74)

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer
Written by:
Michael Diliberti (screenplay & story)
Matthew Sullivan (story)
Jesse Eisenberg – Nick
Danny McBride – Dwayne
Aziz Ansari – Chet
Nick Swardson – Travis
Dilshad Vadsaria – Kate
Michael Peña – Chango
Bianca Kajlich – Juicy
Fred Ward – The Major


This is certainly no classic comedy, but 30 Minutes or Less quotes do deliver a fast paced humor that are totally forgettable, which in this case is actually is not a bad thing! The premise of the story is very simple and at times seems unfinished, just serving as a container for the jokes. And as pretty much expected, the comedy on offer is pretty crude and full of sexual innuendo. Not much else to be added other than if you like fast vulgar forgettable comedies then this movie won’t disappoint.

30 Minutes Or Less Quotes Page  1   2


[first lines; two teenagers answer the door to Nick’s knock delivering their pizza]
15 Year Old #1: Thirty four minutes, four minutes late. Pizza’s free.
[his friends points to the pizza poster where Nick works, which has a 30-minutes-or-less delivery policy]
Nick: Come on, you guys live two towns away, it’s pretty much impossible to get here in thirty minutes.
15 Year Old #2: Huh, exactly! That’s why we order from your shitty pizza parlor.
Nick: Okay, you guys are pretty smart. You’ve figured out a way to beat the system.
[he gives them their pizzas]
Nick: There you go.
15 Year Old #2: Thank you.
Nick: What, no tip?
15 Year Old #1: Sorry, only got the big bills.


Nick: Mmm, you guys kinda of remind me of me when I was your age actually. You know, kinda like just trying to get drunk any chance I get. what you got the fridge full of beer, right?
15 Year Old #1: Man, we don’t have anything.
Nick: Really?
15 Year Old #2: Could you get us some beer?
Nick: Me? Um…listen, I shouldn’t do this, but if you give me the money that your mom gave you for the pizzas, which you didn’t give me, uh…I will run out and get you some beer.
[whispering to his friend]
15 Year Old #2: What do we do? Let’s get fuckin’ shit faced.
Nick: But I want a tip this time.
15 Year Old #2: Okay. Um…we have…that’s forty.
[he hands over the money to Nick]
Nick: Uh…thanks, man. Wait, um…how many am I gettin’?
15 Year Old #2: Whatever that will get us.
Nick: Okay. I will see you soon.
[he turns and leaves but stops and turns to the boys again]
Nick: Wait, you boys like O’Douls, right?
15 Year Old #2: Yeah, fuckin’ love that shit!
15 Year Old #1: Totally.
15 Year Old #2: You rule!


[after Nick has witnessed Chet sat in his car with his date performing oral sex on him after which she then kisses him]
Chet: Hey, what the hell? You just been sittin’ there watchin’ the whole time?30-minutes-or-less-1
Nick: Yeah, man. I got the whole show. Really classy move there at the end by the way, that kiss?
Chet: Look, the woman is kind enough to provide me with felacio services, I’m not just gonna dart outta there like she’s an untouchable.
Nick: Nothin’ says chivalry is dead. Here, have a beer? The alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth.
Chet: Well thank you, sir.


Nick: Hey, I rented some movies for us. I got uh…I got Lethal Weapon. I got uh…Lethal Weapon 2.
Chet: I think I’m gonna have to pass. I gotta be up early tomorrow to teach a class at seven.
Nick: Come on, man! You’re a sub, just call in sick like the real teacher did.
Chet: Dude, you know I got hired to full-time last month, alright? You bought me a laser pointer.
Nick: I know. I’m just having trouble accepting you as the man. You know, cause you’re you. Filling kids heads with a bunch of bullshit, laser pointing at stuff, just so you could have your summers off.


[Dwayne and Travis are target-shooting watermelons in an old scrap yard]30-minutes-or-less-2
Dwayne: You know, if you weren’t such a skinny little bitch, you could be in the military.
Travis: I don’t need to be in the military, dude. I taught myself to do this shit. Went online and looked all this up.
Dwayne: Oh, I hear you. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
Travis: I taught myself how to eat pussy here.


[watching Friday 13th in 3D, Dwayne jumps up from his seat and starts heckling Jason Vorhees on screen and Travis joins him when Dwayne father catches them in the act]
The Major: Who are you two fags fucking?
Dwayne: Just…Jason Voorhees.
Travis: Afternoon, Major.
The Major: It’s been twenty years, Dwayne. When are you finally gonna get up the courage to ask him out?
Dwayne: That’s not funny. We’re business partners.
The Major: Oh, yeah? What kind of business are you in?
Dwayne: Entra…entraper…
Travis: Entreprens.
Dwayne: Entrepreneurals.
The Major: That’s not a business! You can’t even pronounce it!
Dwayne: We’re just tryin’ to watch this movie. About forty five minutes left and three titees comin’ up. You’re comin’ at the worst possible time.
The Major: Yeah, well I bought that TV so I could watch my football. Not so that you and your boyfriend can jack off all over it.
Dwayne: Well, then maybe you should learn how to share the common space better.
The Major: Common? The only thing common in this house is you.


Dwayne: Come on, Travis. This movie sucks anyway.
Travis: You look good, Major.
The Major: I paid for the damn cold cuts too. Maybe if you got a job, or a fucking prospect, or a clue how to get any of the above, I’d let you eat ’em.
Dwayne: You’re a cold son of a bitch, dad.
The Major: That’s what it takes, boy. In the core, pussy’s like you wore dresses keep us entertained.
Dwayne: That’s really fucking disturbing.


[Nick pops a balloon to get Kate’s attention]
Kate: Very funny, but you’re late.
Nick: No, no. I’m forty five minutes late, which is like, ten minutes early for me.
Kate: Where the hell were you? You live like two blocks away.
[referring to his uniform]
Nick: Yeah, I got held up trying to pick out the perfect shirt and hat combo for you. What do you think?
Kate: I like it. It’s very minimum wage.
Nick: Thanks. I can’t wait to quit and take this shit off.


[referring to the pizza they’re eating]
Kate: Say what you wanna say about your boss, but the man knows how to make a good pizza.
Nick: I think that guy can suck on a dick.
Kate: Mmm, did you see Tom Small’s Facebook update?
Nick: No, you know I don’t check that shit. I’m off the grid.
Kate: He came out.
Nick: What?
Kate: Even posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend.
Nick: Tom Small is gay? That kid used to beat the hell out of me and Chet in grammar school. Wow!
Kate: Tell me about it. He OTPF’d me at Junior High formal.
Nick: What the hell is that?
Kate: Over the pants finger.
Nick: That’s disgusting.


Kate: So I’ve got news.
Nick: Even bigger news than the Tom Small? Cause I don’t know if I can take much more news.
Kate: This little corporation called The Four Seasons decided to finally get their shit together and accept me to their management training program.
Nick: Really? Woh! Congratulations. That’s amazing.
Kate: Thank you.
Nick: I just can’t believe they’re opening a Four Seasons in town, we don’t even have a Radisson.
Kate: Yeah, exactly. Which is why I’m moving to Atlanta. I’m going to be working in their special events department.
Nick: In Atlanta? You know I know a little bit about it from rap music, and uh…it sounds like a fucked up place.
Kate: Come on! It’s everything I’m working towards.
Nick: Did you tell your brother?
Kate: Yeah, Chet was really happy for me. I thought you’d be happy for me too.
Nick: I am. I’m totally happy for you. In fact I will make you a crunk CD or something. You can show it off to your new hustler friends in Atlanta.


[sat in a in a sleazy strip club with a stripper dancing on top of him]
Dwayne: He treats me like a bitch, that’s no way to treat his son! He thinks he knows me, he doesn’t. He doesn’t fucking know me. I have more ideas than he could ever dream of. I have plans bigger than this whole fucking house.
Juicy: Sure, whatever you say. Maybe just be quite for a while. Forget about your old dad. Let me do my thing.
Dwayne: Wish I could forget about that asshole. As is, I’m pretty much just waiting for him to drop dead. Just don’t wanna mess my inheritance.
Juicy: Really? What kind of inheritance?
Dwayne: Well, when the old man left the service, started buying lotto tickets. Next thing you know in ninety eight the dude hits it for ten million dollars. And ever since then he’s been burning through it like an NBA dropkick. Winnebago’s, flat screen TV’s, sort of senseless spending. We’re probably down to like one or two million now. As soon as he kicks it, all that cash is mine.


[as she’s sat on top of him half naked manipulating him]
Juicy: Maybe I could help you get that money now.
Dwayne: Oh, yeah?
Juicy: Before he spends another penny.
Dwayne: And how would you do that?
Juicy: I know a guy in Detroit, he could help you. Probably do it for hundred G’s.
Dwayne: Do what?
Juicy: Kill your mean old dad. So what do you say? Are you ready for your crown?
[she puts his hands on her breasts]
Dwayne: Uhuh.


Nick: It’s pretty crazy about Tom Small, huh?
Chet: Yeah, well, I never liked him.
Nick: Your sister did. You know she let him finger blast her, big time.
Chet: What the fuck are you talking about, man? I don’t want that shit in my head!
Nick: Sorry. Yeah, your sister told me about it last night. I thought you should know.
Chet: What are you guys swapping stories about getting fingered?
Nick: No. Just your sister made some questionable decisions. You know, like uh…like moving to Atlanta.
Chet: What’s wrong with that? She’s gonna manage a hotel, I get free rooms, you can go over there and crash whenever you’re out on the streets. We’d all win!
Nick: Yeah, accept her. Once she gets involved with some Atlanta douchebag that’s totally wrong for her. You know, some…some doctor who drives a white BMW, listens to Fish. Fucking lame!
Chet: Fine, whatever. Why are we talking about who my sister goes out with?
Nick: I don’t know.


Chet: You wanna fuck my sister, don’t you?
Nick: Chet, I really don’t wanna talk about this, okay?
Chet: Aahh! My twin sister who is based on fucking me?
Nick: Oh, hardly! Your sister is attractive and she excites me. Yes, in a sexual way. Can we please just be adults about this?
Chet: You, an adult? You had a Lunchables for dinner last night. You’re a fucking man child!
Nick: Hey, don’t say shit you can’t take back, okay?
Chet: How about this? Do you wanna know who I saw naked?
Nick: Who?
Chet: Miss Jenny Rifkin when I was nailing her the week after she dumped you, intercourse style. That’s right, by brown hands all over her nice white kid-ass.
Nick: Wow! You pulled a Judas on Jenny fuckin’ Rifkin. That is messed up, Chet. Almost as messed up as how I sold your Willy Mays signed ball for two hundred bucks!
Chet: Hey, my grandpa left me that ball in his will! You helped me look for it for a month!
Nick: Now you know why we never found it. Are we done here?
Chet: Not quite yet.
Nick: Okay.
Chet: I was the one who told John Tanner about your mom fucked that life guard and I always felt God awful about it, cause even though I swore secrecy he wound up telling everyone else in town then your parents got divorced. But now I don’t give a shit!
Nick: Well, then…then you ruined my whole fucking life!
Chet: Not much a life to ruin, but yeah! I guess I did.


Nick: Okay, Chet. You’re right, I do wanna have sex with your sister, again. Because the first time was so awesome.
Chet: Bullshit! That never happened.
Nick: Graduation night.
Chet: No. You fucked Tina Scado.
Nick: No, I just told you I did. Same story, different girl.
Chet: What? You deflowered my sister and I know all the fucking details!
[suddenly he jumps on to Nick and they start wrestling and hitting each other on the floor]


[after Chet has beaten Nick for sleeping with his twin sister]
Chet: You’re not good enough for my sister, okay? You’re a pizza boy!
Nick: You know, I actually feel sorry for you. Fucking dick. Cause you’ll never understand this shit is way more complicated than your fucking online dating.
Chet: You’re a shit friend! All these years of asking me for stuff, favors, you know? That beat down is the last favor you’ll ever get!
Nick: Good. It’s the last one I’ll ever need.
[Nick leaves the apartment giving Chet the finger]
Chet: Yeah, I’ll give you a call and order the fucking mozzarella sticks!


[cleaning the Major’s pool]
Travis: The pool is so dirty, dude. I mean, where did all these leaves come from?
Dwayne: Where the hell do you think, dude? The fucking trees!
Travis: That’s what she said.
Dwayne: No, ‘that’s what she said’ jokes don’t work with that. It has to be something in a sexual reference. Like, you know, ‘These leaves are hard. That’s what she said.’
Travis: Oh.


Travis: Dwayne?
Dwayne: What?
Travis: Look, I don’t wanna get in the middle of a family matter or anything. But uh…uh killing the Major seems kinda messed up. Right or no?
Dwayne: No, it’s not messed up, dude. It’s barely even murder. I mean, it’s really just kinda shooting a few years off the old man’s shitty existence.


Page   1   2      >>
Total Quotes: 74



You May Also Like:


Movie Trivia

Follow Us

Shop on Amazon

If you enjoy visiting our site, and already shop through Amazon, please consider supporting us to help us keep the site going by shopping through our Amazon link here. You get your items from Amazon as per normal and we get a small commission to help us run the site at no extra cost to you!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This