The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Quotes Page 1 2 THE NOVEL
[first lines; old Bilbo is in Bag End and looking at old relics from his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it. I am old now Frodo. I’m not the same hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened.
[old Bilbo begins writing about his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] It began long ago in a land far away to the East. The like of which you will not find in the world today.
[cut to map showing the city of Dale]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth, Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, king under the mountain. The mightiest of the dwarf lords. Thror ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself, the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth, in precious gems hewn from rock, and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the dwarves was unequaled. Fashioning objects of great beauty, out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper down into the dark, and that is where they found it. The heart of the mountain, the Arkenstone. Thror named it the king’s jewel. He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven king, Thranduil. But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour, and the watchful nights closed in.
[Thorin watches his father, Thror growing obsessed with the gold he’s gathered in his castle]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thror’s love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow.
Old Bilbo: [voice over] The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane, coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot dry wind.
Thorin: Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guards, do it now!
Balin: What is it?
[Thorin turns, runs inside and shouts out the warning]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] He was a Firedrake from the North.
[Smaug starts attacking Erebor by breathing fire everywhere]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Smaug had come!
[Smaug starts destroying the city of Dale]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Such wanton death was dealt that day, for this city of men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire.
[as Smaug starts attacking Erebor, Thror takes the Arkenstone and makes a run for it, then he sees Smaug finding all the hidden gold]
[Thorin finds Thror and grabs a hold of him, dragging him away from the scene]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Erebor was lost. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.
[as everyone left in Erebor is making a run for it]
Thorin: Run for your lives!
[to the Elves who are watching from a distance]
Thorin: Help us!
[Thranduil does nothing]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day. Nor any day since.
[Thorin watches in anger as the Elves leave]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] Robbed of their homeland, the dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness. The once mighty people brought low. The young dwarf prince took work where he could find it, laboring in the villages of men. But always, he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon, the trees like torches blazing bright, where he had seen dragon fire in the sky, and a city turn to ash. And he never forgave, and he never forgot.
[back to old Bilbo in Bag End continuing to write his story]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For quite by chance, and the will of a wizard, fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began…well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home.
[as Bilbo is writing his adventures down, Frodo enters the room bringing him his mail]
Old Bilbo: Thank you.
[referring to the picture of Bilbo drawn when he was young]
Frodo: What’s this?
Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!
[Frodo tries to lean in to read from the book but Bilbo closes it]
Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet.
Frodo: Not ready for what?
Old Bilbo: Reading.
[Bilbo flicks through his mail]
Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?
Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.
Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?
Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.
Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.
Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.
Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.
[Bilbo starts hiding his silverware and expensive household items]
Frodo: What on earth are you doing?
Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.
Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when…
Frodo: When you’re…what?
Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing.
Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.
Old Bilbo: Hmm?
Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.
Old Bilbo: Odd?
Frodo: Well, unsociable.
Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.
[he gives Frodo the sign he’s just written, ‘no admittance, except on party business’, which Frodo nails onto the gate as Bilbo steps out of Bag End]
Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?
Old Bilbo: Who?
Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.
Frodo: Right then. I am off.
Old Bilbo: Off to where?
Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.
Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late.
[Frodo runs off]
[Bilbo settles outside on his bench to smoke, reminiscing about his adventures]
Old Bilbo: [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.
[scene is cut to 60 years earlier; young Bilbo sits on the very same bench, smoking, when he is interrupted by Gandalf]
Bilbo: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo: All of them at once, I suppose.
[Gandalf looks at Bilbo thoughtfully making Bilbo feel uncomfortable]
Bilbo: Can I help you?
Gandalf: It remains to be seen. I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bilbo: An adventure? No, I don’t imagine anyone west of Bree, would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner!
[Bilbo gets up to collect his mail from his mailbox and awkwardly backs away]
Bilbo: Good morning!
[Bilbo turns and starts walking back towards his front door]
Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be good- morninged by Belladonna Took’s son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!
[Bilbo turns in surprise]
Bilbo: Beg your pardon?
Gandalf: You’ve changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Gandalf: Well you know my name, although you don’t remember I belong to it. I’m Gandalf, and Gandalf means…me!
Bilbo: Gandalf? Not Gandalf, the wandering wizard who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer’s Eve! Well! I had no idea you were still in business.
Gandalf: And where else should I be?
Gandalf: Well, I’m pleased to find you remember something about me, even if it’s only my fireworks.
[Gandalf nods to himself]
Gandalf: Well that’s decided. It’ll be very good for you, and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo: Inform the who…? What…?! No! No! No, wait.
[Bilbo walks up towards his front door and turns]
Bilbo: We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today, not… I suggest you try over the hill or…across the water. Good morning.
[he goes in closes and locks the door, he hears a noise and we see Gandalf marking his door with a rune, Bilbo looks out his window and sees Gandalf staring right back at him, Bilbo quickly looks away, he then sees Gandalf walking away]
[later that evening, Bilbo cooks his dinner and he’s about to start eating when he’s interrupted by his door bell ringing, he opens the door to find a dwarf standing there]
Dwalin: At your service.
Bilbo: Hm. Uh…Bilbo…Baggins…at yours.
[Dwalin steps inside]
Bilbo: Do we know each other?
Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?
Bilbo: Is…Is what down where?
[he throws his coat at Bilbo]
Dwalin: He said there’d be food, and lots of it.
Bilbo: He…he said? Who said?
[Dwalin enters the kitchen, sits down helping himself to Bilbo’s supper]
Dwalin: Very good this. Any more?
Bilbo: What? Uh…oh…uh yes, yes.
[Bilbo brings him a plate of scones, sneaking a few off the plate for himself]
Bilbo: Help yourself.
[Dwalin starts stuffing his mouth with the scones]
Bilbo: Hmm. It’s just that, um…I wasn’t expecting company.
[as Dwalin continues to stuff his face with Bilbo’s food, the door bell rings again]
Dwalin: That’ll be the door.
[Bilbo opens the door to find another dwarf standing there]
Balin: Balin. At your service.
Bilbo: Good evening.
Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Although I think it might rain later.
[Balin steps inside]
Balin: Am I late?
Bilbo: Late…for what?
[Balin notices Dwalin]
Balin: Ooh! Ah-hah! Evening, brother!
Dwalin: By my beard! You are shorter and wider than last we met.
Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.
[they both laugh, then suddenly they headbutt each other in greeting and ignore Bilbo]
Bilbo: Uh…excuse me. Sorry. I hate to interrupt. Uh…but the thing is I’m not entirely sure you’re in the right house.
[they start raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
Balin: Have you eaten?
Bilbo: It’s not that I don’t like visitors. I…I like visitors as much as the next hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come visiting.
[picking up something that looks like cheese]
Dwalin: What is this?
Balin: I don’t know. I think it’s supposed to be cheese, it’s gone blue.
Bilbo: The thing is, um…
[Dwalin and Balin continue to ignore Bilbo]
Dwalin: It’s riddled with mold.
[Dwalin throws the cheese away]
Bilbo: The thing is, I don’t…I don’t know either of you, not in the slightest. I don’t mean to be blunt, but I uh…but I had to speak my mind. I’m sorry.
[at that moment both Dwalin and Balin turn to look at Bilbo]
Balin: Apology accepted.
[Balin then turns to Dwalin and gives him his cup of ale]
Balin: Oh, no. Fill it up now, brother, don’t stint.
Dwalin: You want to get stuck in?
Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.
[as Dwalin and Balin continue to raid Bilbo’s pantry, there door bell rings again and Bilbo opens the door to find two dwarves standing there]
Kili: And Kili.
Fili and Kili: At your service.
Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.
Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.
[Bilbo goes to shut the door but Kili stops him]
Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?
Fili: No one told us.
Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.
Kili: That’s a relief.
[Fili and Kili let themselves in, then Fili turns and gives Bilbo swords wrapped cloth]
Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.
[referring to Bag End]
Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?
Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years.
[as Kili puts his booted foot on a wooden box]
Bilbo: That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?
[Dwalin enters the room]
Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand.
Kili: Mr. Dwalin.
[referring to the dining table]
Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.
Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there?
[as Fili, Kili, Dwalin and Balin are rearranging the dining room, the door bell rings again and Bilbo goes to open it]
Bilbo: Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!
[as Bilbo opens the door a bunch of dwarves fall through onto the floor, behind them Gandalf pokes his head through the door]
[as the rest of the dwarves join in raiding Bilbo’s pantry]
Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me.
[to one of the dwarves carrying large portions of cheese]
Bilbo: Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?
Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.
[as he sees one of the dwarves carrying through some chairs]
Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.
[Gandalf and the other dwarves are setting up the dining table with food and drink]
Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.
Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?
Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.
[Gandalf walks through the hallway and counts the dwarves]
Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.
[Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves carrying a small basket of tomatoes]
Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.
[Bifur comes into the room and speaks dwarvish to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.
Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.
Dori: Mr. Gandalf?
Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.
Gandalf: Oh, cheers.
[takes the small glass of wine and drinks it one go]
[as Gandalf and the dwarves are stuffing their faces with Bilbo’s food, Bilbo turns and goes to his pantry, looking devastated when he sees that most of his food is gone]
Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.
Oin: Let me have another drink.
Balin: Here you go.
Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!
[everyone drinks and then start belching and laughing]
[Bilbo runs after one of the dwarves]
Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.
Bofur: But it’s full of holes!
Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.
Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.
Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!
Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?
Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.
Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!
Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?
Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.
[Fili throws it to Kili who throws it to another dwarf in the kitchen, they continue doing this with all the plates]
Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old!
[the dwarves start using the cutlery to play music]
Bilbo: And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!
Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!
[the dwarves start singing as they use the cutlery to make music]
Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks.
Fili: Smash the bottles and burn the corks.
Dwarves: Chip the glasses and crack the plates. That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates! Cut the cloth and tread on the fat. Leave the bones on the bedroom-mat, pour the milk on the pantry-floor, splash the wine on every door, dump the crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole. When you’ve finished, if any are whole, send them down the hall to roll!
[Gandalf laughs as he watches the dwarves cleaning up the dishes and cutlery as they sing]
Dwarves: That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!
[as the dwarves laugh, Bilbo walks into the kitchen to see all his plates and cutlery have been cleaned and stacked]
[as the dwarves wash and stack the dishes, the door bell rings]
Gandalf: He’s here.
[Gandalf opens the door and we see Thorin]
Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice.
[Thorin walks in]
Thorin: I wouldn’t have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door.
Bilbo: Mark? There’s no mark on that door, it was painted a week ago!
Gandalf: There is a mark, I’ve put it there myself.
[pauses for a moment]
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield.
[looking at Bilbo]
Thorin: So, this is the hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?
Bilbo: Pardon me?
Thorin: Axe or sword, what’s your weapon of choice?
Bilbo: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know. But I fail to see why that’s relevant.
Thorin: I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.
[the other dwarves laugh]
[back in the dining room as Thorin eats his dinner]
Balin: What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?
Thorin: Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.
Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?
Thorin: They will not come.
[the other dwarves are visibly upset]
Thorin: They say this quest is ours, and ours alone.
Bilbo: You’re doing a quest?
Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light.
[as Bilbo leaves the room, Gandalf takes out a map]
Gandalf: Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.
[Gandalf places the map on the table and points to the mountain, as Bilbo brings in a candle he leans in and reads from the map]
Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.
Gloin: Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.
Oin: Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.
Bilbo: Uh…what beast?
Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.
Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.
[Ori rises to his feet]
Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!
[the others cheer him on]
Dori: Sit down!
Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.
Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?
[everyone starts talking at the same time]
Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!
Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.
Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say…
Dori: How many then?
Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!
[the dwarves start talking all together again, getting angrier]
Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please.
[suddenly Thorin rises and shouts]
Thorin: If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?
[as the others cheer Thorin speaks in dwarvish]
Balin: You forget the front gate is sealed. There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true.
[Gandalf holds up a key]
Thorin: How came you by this?
Gandalf: It was given to me by your father by Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now.
[he gives the key to Thorin]
Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door!
[pointing to the map]
Gandalf: These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls.
Kili: There’s another way in.
Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map, and I do not have the skill to find it, but there are others in Middle-Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But if we’re careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.
Ori: That’s why we need a burglar.
Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I’d imagine.
Gloin: And are you?
[everyone looks at Bilbo]
Bilbo: Am I what?
[pointing to Gandalf]
Oin: He said he’s an expert!
Bilbo: Me? No! No, No, No! I…I’m not a burglar. I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.
Balin: And I’m afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He’s hardly burglar material.
Dwalin: Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.
[the dwarves all start speaking over each other, suddenly Gandalf rises]
Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is! Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose, and while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of a dwarf, the scent of a hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There’s a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he’s got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself.
[looking at Thorin]
Gandalf: You must trust me on this.
Thorin: Very well. We’ll do it your way.
Bilbo: No. No…
Thorin: Give him the contract.
Bofur: Orin. We’re off!
[Balin rises to his feet, holding the contract]
Balin: It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration,
funeral arrangements, so forth.
[Balin passes the contract to Thorin who gives it to Bilbo]
Bilbo: Funeral arrangements?
[Bilbo opens the contract and starts reading it]
[as Bilbo reads the contract, Thorin whispers to Gandalf]
Thorin: I cannot guarantee his safety.
Thorin: Nor will I be responsible for his fate.
[reading from the long list on the contract]
Bilbo: ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’
Bilbo: Seems fair.
[carries on reading]
Bilbo: Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration.
[turns over the page]
Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
[Bilbo tries to take all this in]
Balin: You alright, laddie?
Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…
[takes a breath]
Bilbo: I feel a bit faint.
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo: I…I…I need air.
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!
[Bilbo thinks for a moment then looks over at the dwarves]
[he faints, collapsing to the ground]
Gandalf: Oh, very helpful, Bofur.
[after fainting from finding out what the dragon can do to him]
Bilbo: I’ll be alright. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.
Gandalf: You’ve been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother’s dishes become so important to you? I remember a young hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves, in the woods. He’d stay out late, come home, after dark, trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young hobbit who would’ve liked nothing better than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It’s out there.
Bilbo: I can’t just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins, of Bag End!
Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your great, great, great, great uncle Bullroarer Took, was so large he could ride a real horse?
[Bilbo nods his head]
Gandalf: Yes, well he could! In the battle of Greenfields, he charged the goblin ranks he swung his club so hard, it knocked the goblin king’s head clean off, and it sailed a hundred yards through the air, and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle as won, and the game of golf invented at the same time.
Bilbo: I do believe you made that up.
Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You’ll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo: Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do, you’ll not be the same.
Bilbo: That’s what I thought.
[Bilbo rises to his fee]
Bilbo: Sorry, Gandalf, I can’t sign this. You’ve got the wrong hobbit.
[he turns and walks off]
[watching as Bilbo walks off after his discussion with Gandalf]
Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.
Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.
Balin: Old warriors.
Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.
Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.
Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.
Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.
[later that night, the dwarves start singing about the Misty Mountains, the devastation of Smaug, and their kingdom]
Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.
Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.
[the next morning, Bilbo wakes up to find his house empty, he looks around looking for the dwarves]
[Bilbo looks pleased that everything is back in order, but then he looks down and sees the contract, he thinks for a moment and then we see him flying out the door, contract in hand as he runs to find Gandalf and the dwarves]
Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?
Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late!
Hobbit: Late for what?
Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure!
[Bilbo finally catches up with Gandalf and the dwarves in the woods]
Bilbo: Wait! Wait!
[everyone stops and turns to look at Bilbo as he runs towards them, waiving the contract]
Bilbo: I signed it.
[he gives the contract to Balin, who checks it]
Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.
Thorin: Give him a pony.
Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.
[suddenly two of the dwarves grab hold of his arms, pick him up and place him on a pony]
[as they all ride along in the woods, Bilbo rides on his pony, looking very uncomfortable]
Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!
[Bilbo sees the dwarves throwing bags of money to each other]
Bilbo: What’s that about?
Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t.
Bilbo: And what did you think?
[Gandalf suddenly catches a bag of money one of the dwarves throws at him]
Gandalf: My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.
[suddenly Bilbo sneezes]
Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction.
[looks in his pockets for his handkerchief but can’t find it]
Bilbo: Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.
Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.
Bofur: Here! Use this.
[he rips off a bit of cloth from his robe and throws it to Bilbo, who looks at it with disgust]
Thorin: Move on!
[as they continue on their journey]
Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
[later that night, as everyone is asleep around the campfire, Bilbo gets awakened by the loud snoring of the dwarves, not being able to sleep he goes and feeds his pony with apples]
Bilbo: Good girl! Here’s a good girl. It’s our little secret, Myrtle. Just tell no one. Shh-shh…
[suddenly Bilbo hears a wild shrieking, he turns to Kili and Fili who are sat by the fire]
Bilbo: What was that?
[we see Thorin awakened by the noise]
Fili: Throat cutters. There’d be dozens of them out there. The low lands are crawling with them.
Kili: They strike, in the wee small hours, when everyone’s asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.
[Kili and Fili laughs as they tease Bilbo, who looks very worried]
Thorin: You think that’s funny? You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?
Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it.
Thorin: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.
[Thorin walks off to be by himself]
Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs.
[after Bilbo hears the orcs shrieking and Thorin walks off in anger]
Balin: After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria.
[we see flashback of the battle of the dwarves with the orcs]
Balin: [voice over] But our enemy had got’ there first.
[we see Thrain, Thror and Thorin fighting valiantly]
Balin: [voice over] Moria had been taken by legions of orcs, led by the most vile of all their race, Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began by beheading the king.
[we see Azog screaming as he holds the decapitated head of Thror and then throwing it aside as Thorin watches in horror]
Balin: Thrain, Thorin’s father, was driven mad by grief, he went missing, taken prisoner or killed, we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc.
[we see as Thorin fight Azog and losing his armor]
Balin: [voice over] He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield.
[as Azog is about to deliver a deadly blow, Thorin suddenly uses his sword to cut Azog’s arm]
Balin: Azog the Defiler learned that day, that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken.
[Thorin rallies his army of dwarves and they continue their battle with the rest of the orcs]
Balin: Our forces rallied, and drove the orcs back. Our enemy had been defeated, but there was no feast, nor song that night for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few, had survived.
[as the battle with the orcs was won, we see the younger Balin as he watches Thorin]
Balin: And I thought to myself then, there is one who I could follow, there is one I could call king.
[back at the camp, Thorin turns and sees all the dwarves have risen and are looking at him with respect]
Bilbo: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?
Thorin: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.
[at this comment Gandalf looks at Balin]
[across the mountain where the dwarves have camped, we see an scout riding on a warg following Thorin’s trail]
Hunter Orc: [subtitled] Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.
[the group continue on their journey into the woods riding in the torrential rain]
Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge?
Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.
Bilbo: Are there any?
Bilbo: Other wizards?
Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names.
Bilbo: And who is the fifth?
Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.
Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you?
Gandalf: I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.
[we see Radagast in the forest seeing a strange mold growing on the trees, he picks a dead leaf and looks at it]
Radagast: Not good. Not good at all!
[he starts running through the forest and passing dead animals, he picks a mushroom and then whistles to some birds which land in the nest on his head, he then turns and sees an ailing hedgehog]
Radagast: Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious.
[he picks up the hedgehog and runs to his home and gives the hedgehog something to cure him, then a bunch of hedgehogs surround the ill one]
Radagast: Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake!
[Radagast continues to use his magic to cure the sick hedgehog, but nothing works]
Radagast: I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft!
[suddenly he realizes something]
Radagast: Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic.
[Radagast sees large spiders crawling onto his house, realizing what will cure the hedgehog, he gives the potion to the hedgehog as he recites a spell, and as the hedgehog is cured the giant spiders crawl away, Radagast watches them retreat into the forest]
Radagast: Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from?
[a small bird starts tweeting something to Radagast]
Radagast: The old fortress? Show me.
[we see Radagast following the bird in a sled being pulled by large rabbits through the forest]
[back to the group, they stop outside an old ruined farm]
Thorin: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.
[Gandalf looks around the ruined farm]
Gandalf: A farmer and his family used to live here.
Thorin: Oin, Gloin.
Thorin: Get the fire going.
Oin: Right you are.
Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.
Thorin: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.
Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.
Thorin: I do not need their advice.
Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.
Thorin: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.
Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.
Thorin: I did not know they were yours to keep.
[Gandalf turns and walks off in frustration]
[seeing Gandalf walk off in anger after his conversation with Thorin]
Bilbo: Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?
Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.
Bilbo: And who’s that?
Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.
Thorin: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry.
[turning to Balin]
Bilbo: Is he coming back?
[they watch as Gandalf goes off]
[later that night as the dwarves set up camp]
Bilbo: He’s been a long time.
Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads.
[dishes up some food into some bowls and hands them to Bilbo; Bifur turns to see Bombur helping himself to some food]
Bofur: Stop it, you’ve had plenty.
[Bilbo takes the bowls of stew to Fili and Kili, as he goes to give the food to them he sees they are both just standing and staring at the ponies]
Bilbo: What’s the matter?
Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies.
Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem.
Kili: We had sixteen.
Fili: Now there’s fourteen.
[as they look to see which ponies are missing]
Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.
Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?
Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.
Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.
Kili: That was our thinking.
Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.
Fili: Hey! There’s a light.
Fili: Over here!
[they all move closer towards the light]
Fili: Stay down.
Bilbo: What is it?
[they see camp fire with trolls sitting around it]
[Kili and Fili make a run for it closer to the trolls’ campfire, Bilbo puts down the bowls of stew he was carrying and starts to follow them, then he stops, turns around and picks up the bowls of stew again, and runs after Kili and Fili]
[as they run towards the troll camp, they see a huge troll walk by, carrying two of the ponies]
Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something.
Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you.
Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.
Kili: It’s perfectly safe!
Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.
Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?
[he turns and sees Kili and Fili have run off with their bowls of stew and left him on his own, he turns as he hears the trolls talking]
William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.
Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags!
Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.
William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth.
[suddenly Tom sneezes]
Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.
William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!
Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from.
[as he tries to sneeze snot into their food, Tom slaps him and gets a hold of his nose]
Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t!
Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!
Bert Troll: Sit down!
[Tom sits and sneezes again, he takes a tissue and blows his nose, at the same time Bilbo sneaks into their camp and tries to free the ponies]
Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts.
[Bert hits Tom over the head]
Tom Troll: Oww!
Bert Troll: I said sit down!
William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what?
Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya!
[Bilbo watches the trolls as he tries to free the ponies]
William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.
Tom Troll: Except the chicken.
William Troll: What tastes like fish!
Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that?
[as Bilbo tries to sneak closer to one of the trolls to steal a knife]
Bert Troll: Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung.
[as he turns to pick up the dung, he sees Tom eating from his bowl]
Bert Troll: Here, that’s my grog!
Tom Troll: Sorry.
[Bert hits Tom in the face]
Tom Troll: Oww!
[Bert’s tastes the stew]
Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate.
[he gives some to William]
Bert Troll: Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook.
[as the trolls are chatting away, Bilbo sneaks behind Tom Troll to steal his knife which is behind his belt]
William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!
[as William gets up to grab some ponies, Tom sneezes and reaches behind him to grab his handkerchief but instead grabs Bilbo and blows his nose all over him, Tom looks down and sees Bilbo in his hand]
Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything!
[all three trolls stare at Bilbo]
Bert Troll: What is it?
Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!
[he drops Bilbo to the ground and William pulls out his knife, threatening Bilbo]
Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?
Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit!
Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’?
William Troll: Can we cook him??
Tom Troll: We can try!
[Tom goes to grab him and Bilbo tries to get away but Bert comes up beside him]
Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned!
[he pushes Bilbo]
William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie!
[Bilbo manages to duck William’s hold]
William Troll: Grab him!
Tom Troll: He’s too quick!
William Troll: Oah, come here! you little…
[as Bilbo tries to make a run for it, William grabs him by his legs]
William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?
Tom Troll: He’s lying!
Bilbo: I’m not!
Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!
[suddenly Kili attacks Tom by striking his sword against his leg making Tom scream]
Kili: Drop him!
William Troll: You what?
Kili: I said, drop him.
[William throws Bilbo at Kili, then suddenly all the dwarves charge in from the bushes attacking the trolls]
[as the dwarves are fighting the trolls, Bilbo manages to steal a knife and free the ponies, but the trolls notice and grab him, holding him by his arms and legs]
[Thorin stops Kili from attacking]
William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off!
[reluctantly Thorin drops his sword and the other dwarves follow suit, then we see the trolls have tied up some of the dwarves on a spit over a fire, while the others are held in bags that are tied up to their necks]
Tom Troll: Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on ’em and squash ’em into jelly!
Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.
Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice.
William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone.
[just then Bilbo has an idea and tries to buy them some time]
Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.
Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!
Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?
Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning.
Bert Troll: What about the seasoning?
Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!
[the dwarves get angry at Bilbo’s intervention]
William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf?
Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk.
Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…
Bert Troll: Yes? Come on.
Bilbo: It’s, uh…
Bert Troll: Tell us the secret!
Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!
[all the dwarves shout at Bilbo in anger]
Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife.
William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all!
Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf.
[he picks up Gloin in his sack and holds him up, at the same time Bilbo notices Gandalf in the bushes]
Tom Troll: Nice and crunchy.
[Bilbo interrupts as he’s about to eat Gloin]
Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected!
William Troll: You what?
Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes.
Tom Troll: Ooh!
[Tom throws down Gloin in disgust]
Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.
Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?
Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites!
Kili: You have parasites!
[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing]
Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!
Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!
Nori: We’re riddled!
Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!
Dori: Yes, we are, badly!
William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go?
William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!
Bert Troll: Fools?
[suddenly Gandalf emerges from his hiding place]
Gandalf: The dawn will take you all!
William Troll: Who’s that?
Bert Troll: No idea.
Tom Troll: Can we eat him too?
[suddenly Gandalf breaks the cliff he’s standing on, which lets in the rising sun’s light and the trolls immediately turn into stone, all the dwarves laugh with joy]
Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back!
[after Gandalf saves the dwarves from the trolls]
Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?
Gandalf: To look ahead.
Thorin: What brought you back?
Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece.
Thorin: No thanks to your burglar.
Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that.
[looking at the frozen trolls]
Gandalf: They must have come down from the Ettenmoors.
Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south?
Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands.
[Gandalf thinks for a moment]
Gandalf: They could not have moved in daylight.
Thorin: There must be a cave nearby.
[Thorin walks off to search for the cave]
[they find the trolls’ cave and investigate inside]
Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?!
Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch.
[the dwarves cough from the foul smell inside the cave, then as they go deeper inside the cave they come upon the trolls’ treasure]
Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it.
Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel.
[Gandalf and Thorin discover some swords, Thorin picks one up]
Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll.
[he gives one of the swords to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men.
[Gandalf takes a closer look at the sword]
Gandalf: These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade.
[Dwalin watches the other dwarves as they bury some of the trolls’ treasure into the ground]
Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit.
Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori.
[as the dwarves leave the cave, Gandalf comes across an elf-made dagger and picks it up]
[coming out of the trolls’ cave]
Gandalf: Here. This is about your size.
[he gives Bilbo the elf-made dagger he found in the trolls cave]
Bilbo: I can’t take this.
Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby.
Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life.
Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.
[as they are gathered outside the trolls cave]
Thorin: Something’s coming!
Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!
[as the dwarves, Gandalf and Bilbo wait to see who is approaching, suddenly Radagast bursts through the bushes on his sled led by rabbits]
Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder!
Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!
[he puts his sword away and approaches Radagast]
Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here?
Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.
[Radagast goes to speak but stops]
Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect.
[he sticks his tongue out and Gandalf removes the insect and gives it to Radagast]
Total Quotes: 92
You May Also Like: