Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Quotes

(Page 2)

Page   1   2


[as they are about to light up the crack the crew frantically signal to them to stop]
Brian Fantana: Now, what you’re gonna do is, you’re gonna put your rock in the pipe.
[the crew continue to try and get them to stop but the team are oblivious to it all]
Ron Burgundy: Is that where the phrase “Put it in your pipe and smoke it” comes from?
Brian Fantana: I don’t…I don’t care.
Champ Kind: I love it when you do cooking segments.
Ron Burgundy: Hmm.
[to the crews dismay they light up the crack and start smoking]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, woh. You feel that right away. Wow, that’s good. That’s good. That’s an immediate state of euphoria.
Brian Fantana: You’ll be surprised at the effect, it happens very…
[just then Brian feels the effects of the crack as he gets high]
Ron Burgundy: It’s just refreshing.
[as they watch them from the production room]
GNN Director: They’re actually enjoying it.
GNN Crew Member: Of course they’re enjoying it. It’s crack.
[we then see the team lying face down on the ground outside having their handcuffed removed policemen]
Ron Burgundy: Well, now we know, guys, you can’t smoke crack on live television.


[as the team’s success rises they receive awards; we see then see the team walking down New York City]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, gang. You know what would make this great day even better?
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Perms for everyone!
[they stop outside a hair salon and then jump up in excitement]
Ron, Brian, Champ, Brick: Yay!
[after getting the perm the team then strut down New York City]



[Ron enters Linda’s office]
Linda Jackson: Please come in and shut the door.
[Ron shuts the door and stands as far away as possible from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: If this is about sweeps, um…I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story. It’s about airplane parts that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky and hitting the ground, people. We’re calling it “Death From Above.” We might do some…
[Linda interrupts pointing her finger at Ron]
Linda Jackson: You. Come here.
[Ron slowly walks across the room over to Linda]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you.
Ron Burgundy: You have?
[Linda laughs and starts circling around Ron]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you a lot, and you just do whatever you want.
[Ron chuckles nervously as he backs away from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m a bit of a maverick, I guess.
Linda Jackson: You don’t follow the format. You pretty much walk around like uh…like you’re king of the world.
Ron Burgundy: I’m…I’m just a worker bee, that’s all I am.


Linda Jackson: You know what?
Ron Burgundy: What?
[Linda suddenly grabs hold of Ron and pushes him against the office window]
Linda Jackson: I find it hot as shit!
Ron Burgundy: Are you gonna hurt me?
Linda Jackson: Here’s the thing, Mr. Burgundy. You’re a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.
Ron Burgundy: God, I’m so afraid right now.
Linda Jackson: Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
[she starts meowing and Ron nervously copies her]
Linda Jackson: Now, I want you to bark like a dog. Bark. Bark. Bark!
[Ron’s starts barking]
Linda Jackson: Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
[Ron does a softer bark and she joins in meowing then slaps him playfully in the face]
Linda Jackson: Yeah. Come on! Do it!
[still afraid of Linda, Ron starts to cry]
Linda Jackson: Oh, don’t cry.
[she barks in his face]
Ron Burgundy: It’s sexual and yet frightening. It’s an odd mixture.


[Ron and Linda’s are interrupted by someone knocking on her office door]
Linda Jackson: Um…come in.
[Freddie enters with Jack]
Freddie Shapp: Uh…Linda. Ooh, uh…excuse me, Linda. Uh…Ron, Jack wants to know if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame. He’s really struggling with it, and it’s…
Ron Burgundy: No. Can’t. It’s a bet.
Jack Lime: Oh, Jesus!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to change it, you can.
Jack Lime: Like what?
Ron Burgundy: Art Areola.
Jack Lime: No! No, that’s worse! You know it’s worse!
Ron Burgundy: How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck. Spell it P-H-U-C, you’ll be huge in the Vietnamese community.
Jack Lime: Freddie, I can’t. Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me? I’ll see you on the playground.
[Jack and Freddie leave]


Linda Jackson: Well. This uh…meeting has been very productive.
[Ron backs away from her]
Linda Jackson: You can pick me up at eight.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, I’m very confused by what’s going on here.
[Linda chuckles then shouts]
Linda Jackson: Get out!
[a confused looking Ron enters his office and finds Brian. Champ and Brick laughing hard at a “Garfield at Large” book]
Brian Fantana: Oh, Ron! Ron, you are missing some real high-quality Garfield laughs over here.
Ron Burgundy: I think our boss just raped me.
Champ Kind: What?!
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know what happened. All a bit of a blur. There was hands and…and hair, and breath, and lips. And there might have been other people, I don’t know.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like she wants you. Hey, man. Women have been all over me since we got crazy famous. Not to brag or anything, but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.
Ron Burgundy: That is in no way a brag, Brian. That’s horrible.
Brian Fantana: Hey, it’s just doing something beautiful, that two people do, except one of them has microscopic dust mites all over his penis and testicles.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying, the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.
Brian Fantana: I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
[Champ laughs]
Champ Kind: Sounds to me like it’s her fault for being a randy gal.


Brick Tamland: I have a date!
Champ Kind: Brick has a date?
Ron Burgundy: Good for Brick!
Brick Tamland: What’s a date?
Ron Burgundy: A date is simply when two people get together, do something social, have a few drinks, yada yada yada. Take their shirts off…
[Brick makes a noise as if he’s scared]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay.
Brian Fantana: No, it’s a fun thing. It’s fun. It’s alright. Look, don’t worry, Brick. We got your back, okay? First things first, we need to get you a little protection.
[Brian goes over to his “Jimmy closet”, opens it to reveal an array of condoms on display]
Ron Burgundy: Ah. There it is. Brian Fantana’s glorious cabinet of condoms. Oh, Brian, I know. How about “The Hooded Guest”?
Brian Fantana: I like the cut of your jib.
[Brian holds out the condom which shows a man’s hooded head on the packet]
Ron Burgundy: That one is ultra-ribbed. It’s like you’re wearing an armadillo shell on your privates. It takes two hours to get on.
Brian Fantana: It’s hooded, she’ll never see you coming.


Ron Burgundy: Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Brian Fantana: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Ron Burgundy: “Lou Dobin’s Good Time Weiner Pouch”, that’s a good one.
[Brian holds out the condom packet showing a man standing over a couple as they are having sex]
Brian Fantana: Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex. They’re made of denim, so they look better after each washing.
Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride.
Brian Fantana: I think I have it. “Po’ Boy Condom.”
[he holds out the condom packet showing the American flag and some barbed wire]
Brian Fantana: It’s a terrific condom. Although it does burn a bit because it’s covered in Cajun spices.
Champ Kind: It’ll put a blister on your po’ boy.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, what’s the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po’ Boy?
Brian Fantana: Fat Tuesday. Wait a minute. I’ve got it.
[he holds up another condom packet showing a ghost hovering between a women’s legs]
Brian Fantana: “The Rigid Ghost.” That’s the best damn rubber on the market. I…I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.
Ron Burgundy: But, Brian, isn’t that the whole point of wearing a condom? To not impregnate the woman?
Brian Fantana: Well, you know the old expression. Nope.


[Brick is standing behind a green screen as he does his weather section]
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Ron. And happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of our Native American friends. On the big map…
[he looks behind him and hesitates as there’s no map]
Brick Tamland: Where’s my map? There’s no map, it’s just green.
Ron Burgundy: No, there’s a map there. Look at…look at the monitor.
Brick Tamland: Right.
[the monitor shows the weather map behind Brick, but Brick’s leg’s have disappeared as he’s wearing green trousers]
Brick Tamland: Oh, God. Ron, where’s my legs? Where are my legs?
Ron Burgundy: Your legs are there.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have any legs, Ron! I don’t even know how I’m standing up.
[Brick suddenly collapses]
Ron Burgundy: No. Brick, your legs are fine. The color of your pants just…just matches the…
[Brick begins to cry in distress]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I don’t have any legs!
Ron Burgundy: The Chroma-Key behind you.
[he points to the number 93 which is showing on his crotch area]
Brick Tamland: In ninety-three! Ninety-three!
[Brick continues to sob loudly]
Ron Burgundy: Relax.
[Ron starts wailing]


[Ron and Linda are out on a date having dinner]
Linda Jackson: And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia, I got a job with the London Bureau for ABC News.
Ron Burgundy: Wow, London. You’re so impressive, and I’ve…I’ve only been out of the United States twice. A handful of times in Mexico, and then the second time I left the country we went to Salem, Oregon.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
Ron Burgundy: God, yes.
Linda Jackson: Did I scare you by coming on so strong?anchorman-2-11
Ron Burgundy: A little bit, sure. Look, it’s not that you’re not attractive…
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: It’s just I’m a little old-fashioned.
Linda Jackson: Well, I am a modern woman.
Ron Burgundy: Hm.
Linda Jackson: And let me tell you, when I see something that I want, I go for it.
Ron Burgundy: Can I ask you a question?
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: Is that your foot between my legs?
Linda Jackson: No.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m sorry. It was my hand.
[he brings up his hand from below the table]


Linda Jackson: So…
Ron Burgundy: We’re going to do this, aren’t we?
Linda Jackson: We most definitely are gonna do this.
Ron Burgundy: I feel a little awkward, because, you know, I’m…
[he raises his voice so everyone in the restaurant can hear]
Ron Burgundy: I’m about to have sex with a black lady!
[to Linda; lowering his voice]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry! I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: Hm.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not the way I like to handle my business. When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice.
Linda Jackson: Well, I don’t mind, because I am gonna have you tonight.
Ron Burgundy: Then let’s leave and go have…
[suddenly raises his voice again]
Ron Burgundy: …interracial sex!
[to Linda]
Ron Burgundy: Sorry.
[they go back to his place and finally have sex which is then intercut with random footage of Jackie Robinson, the Kirk/Uhura kiss from “Star Trek” and a clip of “Diff’rent Strokes”]


[Brick and Chani are having their date in a laundromat, they both stand awkwardly in front of a soda machine holding a can of soda]
Chani Lastnamé: This is the nicest soda machine anyone’s ever taken me to.
Brick Tamland: The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.
[they both drink a sip from their soda cans]
Chani Lastnamé: Can I ask you a personal question?
Brick Tamland: I’m not sure what that is, but yes.
Chani Lastnamé: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Brick Tamland: Do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count?anchorman-2-12
Chani Lastnamé: Of course.
Brick Tamland: Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
Chani Lastnamé: I’ve only kissed people in my dreams. So, I’ve only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing. Always get your teeth involved.
Chani Lastnamé: I think I’m ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.
[suddenly they both throw their soda cans on the floor, grab each other and start kissing passionately with Brick pushing Chani against the window, her dress then rolls up to reveal her underwear]


[Linda turns up to her office late when Allenby, who’s sat behind her desk drinking, surprises her by turning on her desk lamp]
Kench Allenby: Hello, Miss Jackson. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Allenby, I wasn’t expecting you to…
Kench Allenby: Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I. But then I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running. You see, some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately. Is it a problem? Yeah. Is it being fixed? I don’t know, probably. But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.
Linda Jackson: We can’t just pull the story, that would be unethical.
Kench Allenby: We own the news. We can do whatever we want, that’s one of the perks. It’s called “synergy.” One company working with another.
[holding up his glass]
Kench Allenby: To synergy.


[Linda and Ron are sat in the back seat of a cab as Linda is taking Ron to meet her family]
Ron Burgundy: You seem a little quiet, I must say. Just so you know, I’m…I’m absolutely fine with going to this family dinner.
Linda Jackson: They’re gonna love you.
[later as everyone is sat around the dinner table eating]
Ron Burgundy: Mm…this is delicious!
Linda’s Mother: So, how long have you and Linda been dating?
Linda Jackson: Mother.
[Ron laughs]
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s alright. It’s a logical question. Um…ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.
Linda’s Mother: Oh.
Ron Burgundy: And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky. There’s some stank on that love.
Linda’s Mother: What are…what are you talking about?
Ron Burgundy: Let’s put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
Linda’s Father: Oh, now, we don’t have conversations like that over dinner.
[to Ron]
Linda Jackson: What are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: I’m addressing the white elephant in the room. I’m breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation, and that’s all I’m doing.
Linda Jackson: Well, you’re coming off like a jerk.
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s going well.


Linda’s Father: If you haven’t noticed, we don’t converse like that.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, okay. Look at big Papa down here. He’s saying to himself, “Shit! Look at this honky. Sittin’ at my table, eatin’ my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?” I have. I have touched your daughter.
[Linda, looking very uncomfortable tries to interrupt Ron]
Linda Jackson: Honey…
Ron Burgundy: We have done things, Papa. You ain’t gonna like. You ain’t gonna like it none!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from…from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. Let’s get some smoke going in this place, right?
Linda’s Brother: This ain’t no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?
[Ron smiles and holds his fist up]
Linda’s Mother: Linda, I don’t understand what you are doing with him.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, you know what I’m comin’ at you with, you big black mother of Linda. Mix it up in a pot! Makin’ it spicy!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my Lord.
Linda’s Brother: Hey!
Ron Burgundy: In the back, cookin’ up chitlins. Big ol’ titties. Big ol’ titties.
Linda’s Mother: Excuse me?
Linda’s Brother: That’s my mama, man.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, wave your hands in the air.
[Ron holds his hands up and starts waving them]
Ron Burgundy: Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
Linda Jackson: Please, don’t do this.
Ron Burgundy: Now, which one of you pipe-hittin’ bitches can pass me the mashed potatoes?
[there’s a burst of outrage from around the table]


[as they are going home in a cab after the disastrous evening of Ron meeting’s Linda’s family is over]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I don’t think that dinner could’ve gone any better.
Linda Jackson: Are you nuts?!
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m not! I had a wonderful evening!
[Ron’s face looks as though it’s been beaten up]
Linda Jackson: My dad was kicking you in the head!
Ron Burgundy: I thought it was like being jumped into a gang, only with dinner guests!
Linda Jackson: You called my family “pipe-hittin’ bitches”!
Ron Burgundy: I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.
Linda Jackson: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: I just…I’m just under a lot of stress because…because Allenby, he doesn’t want you to do the story that you’re doing for sweeps.
Ron Burgundy: “Death From Above”, it’s an excellent story. Wonderful expose.
Linda Jackson: Listen, Ron. Have you ever heard of synergy?


[Ron is walking with Walter by the lake in the park]
Ron Burgundy: So your mom thought we should get together, spend a little time. She uh…she doesn’t think I connect with you as a child. Can you believe that bullshit?
[Walter looks frustrated]
Ron Burgundy: This is hard. Things you say to a six-year-old.
[Ron hesitates for a moment]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, guess what? I slept with a black woman.
Walter Burgundy: What?
Ron Burgundy: Nothing.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
Ron Burgundy: Nope. Don’t care for him. Never have. Don’t like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh. He comes off like a real dickhead, real poser.
Walter Burgundy: What’s a poser?
Ron Burgundy: A poser is Gary, that’s what a poser is. By the way, how is that shitheel?
Walter Burgundy: What’s a shitheel?
Ron Burgundy: A shitheel is a real fun term that you should call Gary every time you see him. When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, “Oh, good morning, shitheel.” He’ll probably give you five dollars or some candy. Does that sound good?
Walter Burgundy: Yeah. You’re a shitheel, Dad.
[Ron chuckles]
Ron Burgundy: Good. You should just call Gary that, cause it makes him really happy. It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.


[Ron and Walter are sat on a swing in the park]
Walter Burgundy: Dad.
[Ron, who’s starting to dose off, suddenly opens his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Huh?
Walter Burgundy: Sometimes I hear sounds at night and I get scared. I think there’s a ghost in my closet.
Ron Burgundy: Now, you listen to me, son. There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.
Walter Burgundy: So what’s real that’s scary?
Ron Burgundy: You really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I really do.
Ron Burgundy: Voodoo.
Walter Burgundy: Voodoo?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, voodoo. That shit will mess you up, and it is one hundred percent real. Promise me that you’ll never go to Haiti.
Walter Burgundy: I promise, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: This was good, I enjoyed spending time with you.
Walter Burgundy: Me, too, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, and, hey? Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?
Walter Burgundy: No.
Ron Burgundy: Good. Good.


[Linda is on the phone to Ron; referring to Walter]
Veronica Corningstone: What did you tell him?
Ron Burgundy: I didn’t tell him anything.anchorman-2-13
Veronica Corningstone: He hasn’t slept for four days, Ron! Everywhere we go, he asks me if we’re going to Haiti! What does that even mean?
Ron Burgundy: I am so sick and tired that you’ve sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to be funny here. Are you sure he’s not a midget with a learning disability?
Veronica Corningstone: He is seven years old, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Veronica Corningstone: Now listen to me. He has a science fair tomorrow, at eight o’clock, and he wants you to be there.
Ron Burgundy: I will be there. Alright? Now, who do you have for sweeps week?
Veronica Corningstone: I’m not discussing work with you, Ron, okay? Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.
Ron Burgundy: Fine!
[Ron slams down the phone]


[the team are in Ron’s office watching Jack on TV doing his news section]
Jack Lime: Well, they’re calling it the interview of the decade. Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat.
Brian Fantana: Yasser who?
Jack Lime: The head of the PLO and some say the key to peace in the Middle East. Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy, so you know that’s got to be a little stinger for Ronny.
Ron Burgundy: Tony Danza’s scrotum!
Jack Lime: Well, that’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Dick Phuk.
[Brian smiles as he watches Jack looking down and shaking his head]
Freddie Shapp: We’re gonna get crushed in ratings, just crushed. I really thought we had a chance this time.
[Freddie goes to walk out of the office]
Brian Fantana: What about my “Death From Above” story?
Freddie Shapp: You better ask Ron about that.
[Freddie leaves]


Ron Burgundy: We’re pulling that story, Brian.
Brian Fantana: What? Why? I worked hard on that story.
Ron Burgundy: It was my call, alright, Brian? Just let it go. It’s synergy.
Brian Fantana: What does that mean?
Champ Kind: Take it easy, Ron. We got further than anybody thought we would. We’ll get ’em next time.
Ron Burgundy: You take it easy! I’m not in this to finish second!
Brian Fantana: I think Champ is just saying…
Ron Burgundy: I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay? And it doesn’t surprise me that you guys don’t care. Let’s face it, I’m the one who gets the ratings. I’m starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.
Brick Tamland: Chani likes clowns, except for the scary ones.
Ron Burgundy: Shut up, Brick! Just shut up for once!
Brick Tamland: Ron…yelled at me.
Ron Burgundy: You’re damn right I yelled at you!
[Champ and Brian rise from their seats]
Brian Fantana: You don’t yell at Brick. Are you still smoking crack?
Ron Burgundy: No. I only smoked crack that one time. That’s a lie. I’ve done it six more times.
Champ Kind: You made Brick cry.
[we see Brick weeping distraughtly on the sofa]
Champ Kind: You’ve gone ratings crazy, Ron. But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?


Brian Fantana: You know what, Ron? We’re a news team, and that’s a bond for life. But I don’t like the man you’ve become. You know, we were happy when you found us. Right? I was taking pictures of pussies, Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead. We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here. But I’m starting to realize, this was all about you, and beating Veronica at all costs. It had nothing to do with the news, it nothing to do with the team.
Champ Kind: Brian, don’t.
Brian Fantana: You know, I might not be the smartest guy, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I know that if you’re pleasuring a woman down south, you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet around her…the bubble. Around her bubble.
Brick Tamland: The vulva!
Brian Fantana: The…the Volvo. I know that synergy is a completely made-up word. I know that washing your hands is for nerds, especially if you don’t mind pinkeye. And I know, that no matter what, you always stand by your friends.
Ron Burgundy: You’ll have to excuse me, Brian. I’ve got a sore back from carrying your ass around for the last fifteen years.
Brian Fantana: You know what, Burgundy? I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn’t…can’t even…do anything with.
[suddenly Brian punches Ron hard in the face making him fall to the ground, then Brian, Brick and Champ start to leave]
Ron Burgundy: Fine, go! I don’t need you! I’ll do the news by myself!


[just before Ron is about to go on air, he and Freddie watch the TV as Veronica is about to begin her big interview]
Veronica Corningstone: Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat, the secretive head of the PLO.
Ron Burgundy: This is terrible.
GNN Stage Manager: We’re on in twenty, Ron. Twenty.
Freddie Shapp: Alright.
[to Ron]
Freddie Shapp: You ready?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
[Ron points to one of the TV’s showing a car chase]
Freddie Shapp: Huh? Oh, that…that’s nothing. That’s just a car chase on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
Ron Burgundy: You know what? Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
Freddie Shapp: No. That’s not news, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Give it to me live, okay? And don’t question me again.
Freddie Shapp: Bill!
[Ron goes to take his place behind the news desk]
Narrator: [voice over] Now to you, the modern viewer, reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace, but in 1980, it was unheard of.


[Ron begins his news section]
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I’m Ron Burgundy, reporting live from New York. We have breaking news developing in our nation’s heartland. A high-speed car chase is in progress…
[to the crew in the production room]
Freddie Shapp: Keep the “Breaking News” logo. Keep it up. Keep up the graphics.
[back to Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Reaching speeds of one hundred miles per hour. And for the first time in news history, we will stay with it live until it resolves in either a huge accident or a massive shootout.
[a woman sat with her daughter watching the news at home yells to her husband]
Housewife: Richard! Hurry. Get in here! There’s a car chase on the news!
[at the same time Walter is at his science fair waiting for Ron to show up]
Walter Burgundy: When is Dad gonna be here?
Gary: He’ll be here. Are you a little upset? Do you want to…do you want to do that thing where we sort of talk about our feelings?
Walter Burgundy: Oh, God, no.
Gary: Okay.


[Ron continues to report live on the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is the pulse of what’s going on in our country right now.
[Linda walks into the production room]
Linda Jackson: Freddie, what’s going on? Why is there a local car chase on TV?
Freddie Shapp: It’s Burgundy. He insisted!
Linda Jackson: Can’t you see what the son of a bitch is doing? We didn’t have a story, so he made one.
Freddie Shapp: You can’t do that!
Linda Jackson: Tell Ron to speculate who’s driving the car.
[into his headpiece]
Freddie Shapp: Ron, speculate on who’s driving the car.
Ron Burgundy: Uh…we believe the driver may be on drugs. He’s probably 6’7″, 6’8″. But a skinny 6’7″, 6’8″, about one-sixty. He may have a hostage or two. Uh…we don’t know. He could have something…
[everyone gathers on the stage floor to watch Ron, including his team and Jack; to Linda and Freddie]
GNN Crew Member: The phone lines are lighting up. It’s about the chase! I’ve never seen anything like it!


Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel?
Yasser Arafat: Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to…
[suddenly the red light on top of the camera goes out]
What was…? Excuse me.
[to her producer]
Veronica Corningstone: What happened to the…?
WBC Producer: The network cut to another developing story. Some kind of crazy car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: Who covers a car chase? I am sitting here with the most important…
[mouths “fucking”]
Veronica Corningstone: …interview of my entire career, and they’re cutting to a car chase?
Yasser Arafat: I would like to watch the car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to shut your mouth.


[Ron continues to report the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is extremely gripping. Oh! Oh! He just hit a car! He just hit a car! He hit a car! Did you see that?
Brick Tamland: He hit a car!
Ron Burgundy: Wow!
Freddie Shapp: He hit the car!
Linda Jackson: He hit the car!
[patrons in a bar are watching the car chase]
Bar Patron: When did the news get awesome?
[the other patrons cheer]
Ron Burgundy: And he just loses it! Wow! That’s exactly what we needed. It was getting a little boring.


[after Walter’s science fair is over Walter continues to wait for Ron to show up]
Gary: Hey. You did a great job.
Walter Burgundy: Thanks, Gary.
Gary: I don’t think your dad’s coming. I’m sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.
[suddenly Walter throws a punch at Gary which he easily dodges]
Walter Burgundy: Stop reading my mind!
Gary: Okay.
[they continue to wait for Ron when suddenly the lights in the hall are turned off and they sit in darkness]
Gary: I mean, this is what I worry about.
Walter Burgundy: Did you do that with your mind?
Gary: No.
Walter Burgundy: Liar.


Ron Burgundy: We’re just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman, he’s eighty years old, and he was simply confused.
[as Champ, Brian and Brick watch Ron in the background]
Champ Kind: Unbelievable.
Ron Burgundy: I’m Ron Burgundy. Don’t just have a great night, have an American night.
GNN Stage Manager: And we are clear!
Ron Burgundy: Yes!
[all the crew start clapping]
Ron Burgundy: Great! Alright!
Freddie Shapp: I don’t believe it! You did it, Ron!
[he shakes Ron’s hand]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! Thanks, Freddie.
[Linda then jumps into Ron’s arms]
Ron Burgundy: I don’t deserve this. It was a team effort. It really was.
[we see newspaper clippings, one with the headline “GNN Beats Corningstone and Networks!”, “Ron Burgundy Breaks Ratings Records!”]


[a celebration is being held for Ron at an ice skating rink]
Kench Allenby: Now, ladies and gentlemen, now we all know there’s one reason that GNN have gotten to the top. And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world. Long may he reign! Mr. Ron Burgundy!
[the crowd claps for him]
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
[Ron appears playing the flute while skating to a crowd]
Female in Crowd: Fire it up, Ronny!
[as Ron starts to show off ice skating his old friends start to get annoyed]
Brian Fantana: Let’s blaze.
Champ Kind: Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
[Brian and Champ leave; Ron skates over to Linda and gives her a single white rose]
Ron Burgundy: We did it, my onyx hellion.
Linda Jackson: You’re magic!
[as Brick watches Ron skate like a professional dancer]
Brick Tamland: Ron, you should see what you’re doing!


[when nobody is looking, Jack tosses a cable onto the skating rink]
Narrator: [voice over] In the myth of Icarus, Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, flew too high and the sun melted his wings. Burgundy’s fame was bigger than he ever imagined and the fall was dizzying.
[as Ron flips high into the air and lands back down his skate catches on the cable causing him to fall hard on the ice]
Linda Jackson: Oh, my God, Ronny! Ron!
Kench Allenby: Open the bloody gate!
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #1: Will somebody call an ambulance?
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #2: Do not die in front of us! Do not die in front of us!
[watching as the crowd go to help Ron]
Jack Lime: Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #3: Somebody call an ambulance!


[after his accident Ron is in hospital as the doctor is checking the damage to his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Damn it, Milton, what is it?
Dr. Brangley: Well, Ron, I um…it looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Dr. Brangley: No other way to put this, but…you’re blind.
Ron Burgundy: Milton, I’m an anchorman! I read the news off the teleprompter, it’s what I do! How will I live?
Dr. Brangley: I’m no career counselor, but there are many things you can do. Be an oracle, or a mystic.
Ron Burgundy: Clearly, there must be something in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me!
[Ron starts throwing things around in anger]
Dr. Brangley: Settle down.
Ron Burgundy: There’s got to be something in here!
Dr. Brangley: Settle down!
[two hospital orderlies grab hold of Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Zombies! Zombies!
[the doctor injects Ron with a sedative to calm him down]
Ron Burgundy: If you get my hands on me, I’ll kill you.
[Ron passes out]


Narrator: [voice over] The world of the blind. Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium, had forever entered this realm of darkness.
[two months later; once again without a job and without any purpose, Ron is living in a lighthouse, he’s placing fire wood into the dishwasher when he hears someone knocking]
Ron Burgundy: Who is it?
[the door opens and it’s Brian, Champ and Brick come to visit him]
Brian Fantana: Ron, it’s us!
[after inviting them in, we see due to his blindness Ron has placed dried flowers into his oven and his shoes into the refrigerator]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sure you gentlemen are famished from your travels. I hope you like Triscuits and some Pimento loaf. Still hot off the griddle!
[he places the tray on the table and we see it actually contains some old coins, checkers pieces with caulk on top of them and a screw driver]
Ron Burgundy: There we go.
Brian Fantana: Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron. Jack Lime’s been filling in for you since you’ve been gone. And you know, he’s really not such a bad guy after all.
Ron Burgundy: Uh-huh.
Brian Fantana: He goes by Jack Lamé now.
Ron Burgundy: Well, he shouldn’t be doing that. He should be going by Jack Lame.


Page   <<      1   2
Total Quotes: 132



You May Also Like:


Movie Trivia

Follow Us

Shop on Amazon

If you enjoy visiting our site, and already shop through Amazon, please consider supporting us to help us keep the site going by shopping through our Amazon link here. You get your items from Amazon as per normal and we get a small commission to help us run the site at no extra cost to you!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This