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[as they are about to light up the crack the crew frantically signal to them to stop]
Brian Fantana: Now, what you’re gonna do is, you’re gonna put your rock in the pipe.
[the crew continue to try and get them to stop but the team are oblivious to it all]
Ron Burgundy: Is that where the phrase “Put it in your pipe and smoke it” comes from?
Brian Fantana: I don’t…I don’t care.
Champ Kind: I love it when you do cooking segments.
Ron Burgundy: Hmm.
[to the crews dismay they light up the crack and start smoking]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, woh. You feel that right away. Wow, that’s good. That’s good. That’s an immediate state of euphoria.
Brian Fantana: You’ll be surprised at the effect, it happens very…
[just then Brian feels the effects of the crack as he gets high]
Ron Burgundy: It’s just refreshing.
[as they watch them from the production room]
GNN Director: They’re actually enjoying it.
GNN Crew Member: Of course they’re enjoying it. It’s crack.
[we then see the team lying face down on the ground outside having their handcuffed removed policemen]
Ron Burgundy: Well, now we know, guys, you can’t smoke crack on live television.
[as the team’s success rises they receive awards; we see then see the team walking down New York City]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, gang. You know what would make this great day even better?
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Perms for everyone!
[they stop outside a hair salon and then jump up in excitement]
Ron, Brian, Champ, Brick: Yay!
[after getting the perm the team then strut down New York City]
[Ron enters Linda’s office]
Linda Jackson: Please come in and shut the door.
[Ron shuts the door and stands as far away as possible from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: If this is about sweeps, um…I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story. It’s about airplane parts that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky and hitting the ground, people. We’re calling it “Death From Above.” We might do some…
[Linda interrupts pointing her finger at Ron]
Linda Jackson: You. Come here.
[Ron slowly walks across the room over to Linda]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you.
Ron Burgundy: You have?
[Linda laughs and starts circling around Ron]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you a lot, and you just do whatever you want.
[Ron chuckles nervously as he backs away from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m a bit of a maverick, I guess.
Linda Jackson: You don’t follow the format. You pretty much walk around like uh…like you’re king of the world.
Ron Burgundy: I’m…I’m just a worker bee, that’s all I am.
Linda Jackson: You know what?
Ron Burgundy: What?
[Linda suddenly grabs hold of Ron and pushes him against the office window]
Linda Jackson: I find it hot as shit!
Ron Burgundy: Are you gonna hurt me?
Linda Jackson: Here’s the thing, Mr. Burgundy. You’re a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.
Ron Burgundy: God, I’m so afraid right now.
Linda Jackson: Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
[she starts meowing and Ron nervously copies her]
Linda Jackson: Now, I want you to bark like a dog. Bark. Bark. Bark!
[Ron’s starts barking]
Linda Jackson: Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
[Ron does a softer bark and she joins in meowing then slaps him playfully in the face]
Linda Jackson: Yeah. Come on! Do it!
[still afraid of Linda, Ron starts to cry]
Linda Jackson: Oh, don’t cry.
[she barks in his face]
Ron Burgundy: It’s sexual and yet frightening. It’s an odd mixture.
[Ron and Linda’s are interrupted by someone knocking on her office door]
Linda Jackson: Um…come in.
[Freddie enters with Jack]
Freddie Shapp: Uh…Linda. Ooh, uh…excuse me, Linda. Uh…Ron, Jack wants to know if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame. He’s really struggling with it, and it’s…
Ron Burgundy: No. Can’t. It’s a bet.
Jack Lime: Oh, Jesus!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to change it, you can.
Jack Lime: Like what?
Ron Burgundy: Art Areola.
Jack Lime: No! No, that’s worse! You know it’s worse!
Ron Burgundy: How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck. Spell it P-H-U-C, you’ll be huge in the Vietnamese community.
Jack Lime: Freddie, I can’t. Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me? I’ll see you on the playground.
[Jack and Freddie leave]
Linda Jackson: Well. This uh…meeting has been very productive.
[Ron backs away from her]
Linda Jackson: You can pick me up at eight.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, I’m very confused by what’s going on here.
[Linda chuckles then shouts]
Linda Jackson: Get out!
[a confused looking Ron enters his office and finds Brian. Champ and Brick laughing hard at a “Garfield at Large” book]
Brian Fantana: Oh, Ron! Ron, you are missing some real high-quality Garfield laughs over here.
Ron Burgundy: I think our boss just raped me.
Champ Kind: What?!
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know what happened. All a bit of a blur. There was hands and…and hair, and breath, and lips. And there might have been other people, I don’t know.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like she wants you. Hey, man. Women have been all over me since we got crazy famous. Not to brag or anything, but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.
Ron Burgundy: That is in no way a brag, Brian. That’s horrible.
Brian Fantana: Hey, it’s just doing something beautiful, that two people do, except one of them has microscopic dust mites all over his penis and testicles.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying, the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.
Brian Fantana: I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
Champ Kind: Sounds to me like it’s her fault for being a randy gal.
Brick Tamland: I have a date!
Champ Kind: Brick has a date?
Ron Burgundy: Good for Brick!
Brick Tamland: What’s a date?
Ron Burgundy: A date is simply when two people get together, do something social, have a few drinks, yada yada yada. Take their shirts off…
[Brick makes a noise as if he’s scared]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay.
Brian Fantana: No, it’s a fun thing. It’s fun. It’s alright. Look, don’t worry, Brick. We got your back, okay? First things first, we need to get you a little protection.
[Brian goes over to his “Jimmy closet”, opens it to reveal an array of condoms on display]
Ron Burgundy: Ah. There it is. Brian Fantana’s glorious cabinet of condoms. Oh, Brian, I know. How about “The Hooded Guest”?
Brian Fantana: I like the cut of your jib.
[Brian holds out the condom which shows a man’s hooded head on the packet]
Ron Burgundy: That one is ultra-ribbed. It’s like you’re wearing an armadillo shell on your privates. It takes two hours to get on.
Brian Fantana: It’s hooded, she’ll never see you coming.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Brian Fantana: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Ron Burgundy: “Lou Dobin’s Good Time Weiner Pouch”, that’s a good one.
[Brian holds out the condom packet showing a man standing over a couple as they are having sex]
Brian Fantana: Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex. They’re made of denim, so they look better after each washing.
Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride.
Brian Fantana: I think I have it. “Po’ Boy Condom.”
[he holds out the condom packet showing the American flag and some barbed wire]
Brian Fantana: It’s a terrific condom. Although it does burn a bit because it’s covered in Cajun spices.
Champ Kind: It’ll put a blister on your po’ boy.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, what’s the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po’ Boy?
Brian Fantana: Fat Tuesday. Wait a minute. I’ve got it.
[he holds up another condom packet showing a ghost hovering between a women’s legs]
Brian Fantana: “The Rigid Ghost.” That’s the best damn rubber on the market. I…I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.
Ron Burgundy: But, Brian, isn’t that the whole point of wearing a condom? To not impregnate the woman?
Brian Fantana: Well, you know the old expression. Nope.
[Brick is standing behind a green screen as he does his weather section]
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Ron. And happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of our Native American friends. On the big map…
[he looks behind him and hesitates as there’s no map]
Brick Tamland: Where’s my map? There’s no map, it’s just green.
Ron Burgundy: No, there’s a map there. Look at…look at the monitor.
Brick Tamland: Right.
[the monitor shows the weather map behind Brick, but Brick’s leg’s have disappeared as he’s wearing green trousers]
Brick Tamland: Oh, God. Ron, where’s my legs? Where are my legs?
Ron Burgundy: Your legs are there.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have any legs, Ron! I don’t even know how I’m standing up.
[Brick suddenly collapses]
Ron Burgundy: No. Brick, your legs are fine. The color of your pants just…just matches the…
[Brick begins to cry in distress]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I don’t have any legs!
Ron Burgundy: The Chroma-Key behind you.
[he points to the number 93 which is showing on his crotch area]
Brick Tamland: In ninety-three! Ninety-three!
[Brick continues to sob loudly]
Ron Burgundy: Relax.
[Ron starts wailing]
[Ron and Linda are out on a date having dinner]
Linda Jackson: And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia, I got a job with the London Bureau for ABC News.
Ron Burgundy: Wow, London. You’re so impressive, and I’ve…I’ve only been out of the United States twice. A handful of times in Mexico, and then the second time I left the country we went to Salem, Oregon.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
Ron Burgundy: God, yes.
Linda Jackson: Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit, sure. Look, it’s not that you’re not attractive…
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: It’s just I’m a little old-fashioned.
Linda Jackson: Well, I am a modern woman.
Ron Burgundy: Hm.
Linda Jackson: And let me tell you, when I see something that I want, I go for it.
Ron Burgundy: Can I ask you a question?
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: Is that your foot between my legs?
Linda Jackson: No.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m sorry. It was my hand.
[he brings up his hand from below the table]
Linda Jackson: So…
Ron Burgundy: We’re going to do this, aren’t we?
Linda Jackson: We most definitely are gonna do this.
Ron Burgundy: I feel a little awkward, because, you know, I’m…
[he raises his voice so everyone in the restaurant can hear]
Ron Burgundy: I’m about to have sex with a black lady!
[to Linda; lowering his voice]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry! I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: Hm.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not the way I like to handle my business. When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice.
Linda Jackson: Well, I don’t mind, because I am gonna have you tonight.
Ron Burgundy: Then let’s leave and go have…
[suddenly raises his voice again]
Ron Burgundy: …interracial sex!
Ron Burgundy: Sorry.
[they go back to his place and finally have sex which is then intercut with random footage of Jackie Robinson, the Kirk/Uhura kiss from “Star Trek” and a clip of “Diff’rent Strokes”]
[Brick and Chani are having their date in a laundromat, they both stand awkwardly in front of a soda machine holding a can of soda]
Chani Lastnamé: This is the nicest soda machine anyone’s ever taken me to.
Brick Tamland: The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.
[they both drink a sip from their soda cans]
Chani Lastnamé: Can I ask you a personal question?
Brick Tamland: I’m not sure what that is, but yes.
Chani Lastnamé: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Brick Tamland: Do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count?
Chani Lastnamé: Of course.
Brick Tamland: Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
Chani Lastnamé: I’ve only kissed people in my dreams. So, I’ve only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing. Always get your teeth involved.
Chani Lastnamé: I think I’m ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.
[suddenly they both throw their soda cans on the floor, grab each other and start kissing passionately with Brick pushing Chani against the window, her dress then rolls up to reveal her underwear]
[Linda turns up to her office late when Allenby, who’s sat behind her desk drinking, surprises her by turning on her desk lamp]
Kench Allenby: Hello, Miss Jackson. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Allenby, I wasn’t expecting you to…
Kench Allenby: Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I. But then I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running. You see, some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately. Is it a problem? Yeah. Is it being fixed? I don’t know, probably. But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.
Linda Jackson: We can’t just pull the story, that would be unethical.
Kench Allenby: We own the news. We can do whatever we want, that’s one of the perks. It’s called “synergy.” One company working with another.
[holding up his glass]
Kench Allenby: To synergy.
[Linda and Ron are sat in the back seat of a cab as Linda is taking Ron to meet her family]
Ron Burgundy: You seem a little quiet, I must say. Just so you know, I’m…I’m absolutely fine with going to this family dinner.
Linda Jackson: They’re gonna love you.
[later as everyone is sat around the dinner table eating]
Ron Burgundy: Mm…this is delicious!
Linda’s Mother: So, how long have you and Linda been dating?
Linda Jackson: Mother.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s alright. It’s a logical question. Um…ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.
Linda’s Mother: Oh.
Ron Burgundy: And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky. There’s some stank on that love.
Linda’s Mother: What are…what are you talking about?
Ron Burgundy: Let’s put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
Linda’s Father: Oh, now, we don’t have conversations like that over dinner.
Linda Jackson: What are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: I’m addressing the white elephant in the room. I’m breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation, and that’s all I’m doing.
Linda Jackson: Well, you’re coming off like a jerk.
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s going well.
Linda’s Father: If you haven’t noticed, we don’t converse like that.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, okay. Look at big Papa down here. He’s saying to himself, “Shit! Look at this honky. Sittin’ at my table, eatin’ my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?” I have. I have touched your daughter.
[Linda, looking very uncomfortable tries to interrupt Ron]
Linda Jackson: Honey…
Ron Burgundy: We have done things, Papa. You ain’t gonna like. You ain’t gonna like it none!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from…from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. Let’s get some smoke going in this place, right?
Linda’s Brother: This ain’t no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?
[Ron smiles and holds his fist up]
Linda’s Mother: Linda, I don’t understand what you are doing with him.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, you know what I’m comin’ at you with, you big black mother of Linda. Mix it up in a pot! Makin’ it spicy!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my Lord.
Linda’s Brother: Hey!
Ron Burgundy: In the back, cookin’ up chitlins. Big ol’ titties. Big ol’ titties.
Linda’s Mother: Excuse me?
Linda’s Brother: That’s my mama, man.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, wave your hands in the air.
[Ron holds his hands up and starts waving them]
Ron Burgundy: Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
Linda Jackson: Please, don’t do this.
Ron Burgundy: Now, which one of you pipe-hittin’ bitches can pass me the mashed potatoes?
[there’s a burst of outrage from around the table]
[as they are going home in a cab after the disastrous evening of Ron meeting’s Linda’s family is over]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I don’t think that dinner could’ve gone any better.
Linda Jackson: Are you nuts?!
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m not! I had a wonderful evening!
[Ron’s face looks as though it’s been beaten up]
Linda Jackson: My dad was kicking you in the head!
Ron Burgundy: I thought it was like being jumped into a gang, only with dinner guests!
Linda Jackson: You called my family “pipe-hittin’ bitches”!
Ron Burgundy: I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.
Linda Jackson: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: I just…I’m just under a lot of stress because…because Allenby, he doesn’t want you to do the story that you’re doing for sweeps.
Ron Burgundy: “Death From Above”, it’s an excellent story. Wonderful expose.
Linda Jackson: Listen, Ron. Have you ever heard of synergy?
[Ron is walking with Walter by the lake in the park]
Ron Burgundy: So your mom thought we should get together, spend a little time. She uh…she doesn’t think I connect with you as a child. Can you believe that bullshit?
[Walter looks frustrated]
Ron Burgundy: This is hard. Things you say to a six-year-old.
[Ron hesitates for a moment]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, guess what? I slept with a black woman.
Walter Burgundy: What?
Ron Burgundy: Nothing.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
Ron Burgundy: Nope. Don’t care for him. Never have. Don’t like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh. He comes off like a real dickhead, real poser.
Walter Burgundy: What’s a poser?
Ron Burgundy: A poser is Gary, that’s what a poser is. By the way, how is that shitheel?
Walter Burgundy: What’s a shitheel?
Ron Burgundy: A shitheel is a real fun term that you should call Gary every time you see him. When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, “Oh, good morning, shitheel.” He’ll probably give you five dollars or some candy. Does that sound good?
Walter Burgundy: Yeah. You’re a shitheel, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: Good. You should just call Gary that, cause it makes him really happy. It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.
[Ron and Walter are sat on a swing in the park]
Walter Burgundy: Dad.
[Ron, who’s starting to dose off, suddenly opens his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Huh?
Walter Burgundy: Sometimes I hear sounds at night and I get scared. I think there’s a ghost in my closet.
Ron Burgundy: Now, you listen to me, son. There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.
Walter Burgundy: So what’s real that’s scary?
Ron Burgundy: You really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I really do.
Ron Burgundy: Voodoo.
Walter Burgundy: Voodoo?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, voodoo. That shit will mess you up, and it is one hundred percent real. Promise me that you’ll never go to Haiti.
Walter Burgundy: I promise, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: This was good, I enjoyed spending time with you.
Walter Burgundy: Me, too, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, and, hey? Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?
Walter Burgundy: No.
Ron Burgundy: Good. Good.
[Linda is on the phone to Ron; referring to Walter]
Veronica Corningstone: What did you tell him?
Ron Burgundy: I didn’t tell him anything.
Veronica Corningstone: He hasn’t slept for four days, Ron! Everywhere we go, he asks me if we’re going to Haiti! What does that even mean?
Ron Burgundy: I am so sick and tired that you’ve sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to be funny here. Are you sure he’s not a midget with a learning disability?
Veronica Corningstone: He is seven years old, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Veronica Corningstone: Now listen to me. He has a science fair tomorrow, at eight o’clock, and he wants you to be there.
Ron Burgundy: I will be there. Alright? Now, who do you have for sweeps week?
Veronica Corningstone: I’m not discussing work with you, Ron, okay? Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.
Ron Burgundy: Fine!
[Ron slams down the phone]
[the team are in Ron’s office watching Jack on TV doing his news section]
Jack Lime: Well, they’re calling it the interview of the decade. Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat.
Brian Fantana: Yasser who?
Jack Lime: The head of the PLO and some say the key to peace in the Middle East. Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy, so you know that’s got to be a little stinger for Ronny.
Ron Burgundy: Tony Danza’s scrotum!
Jack Lime: Well, that’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Dick Phuk.
[Brian smiles as he watches Jack looking down and shaking his head]
Freddie Shapp: We’re gonna get crushed in ratings, just crushed. I really thought we had a chance this time.
[Freddie goes to walk out of the office]
Brian Fantana: What about my “Death From Above” story?
Freddie Shapp: You better ask Ron about that.
Ron Burgundy: We’re pulling that story, Brian.
Brian Fantana: What? Why? I worked hard on that story.
Ron Burgundy: It was my call, alright, Brian? Just let it go. It’s synergy.
Brian Fantana: What does that mean?
Champ Kind: Take it easy, Ron. We got further than anybody thought we would. We’ll get ’em next time.
Ron Burgundy: You take it easy! I’m not in this to finish second!
Brian Fantana: I think Champ is just saying…
Ron Burgundy: I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay? And it doesn’t surprise me that you guys don’t care. Let’s face it, I’m the one who gets the ratings. I’m starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.
Brick Tamland: Chani likes clowns, except for the scary ones.
Ron Burgundy: Shut up, Brick! Just shut up for once!
Brick Tamland: Ron…yelled at me.
Ron Burgundy: You’re damn right I yelled at you!
[Champ and Brian rise from their seats]
Brian Fantana: You don’t yell at Brick. Are you still smoking crack?
Ron Burgundy: No. I only smoked crack that one time. That’s a lie. I’ve done it six more times.
Champ Kind: You made Brick cry.
[we see Brick weeping distraughtly on the sofa]
Champ Kind: You’ve gone ratings crazy, Ron. But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?
Brian Fantana: You know what, Ron? We’re a news team, and that’s a bond for life. But I don’t like the man you’ve become. You know, we were happy when you found us. Right? I was taking pictures of pussies, Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead. We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here. But I’m starting to realize, this was all about you, and beating Veronica at all costs. It had nothing to do with the news, it nothing to do with the team.
Champ Kind: Brian, don’t.
Brian Fantana: You know, I might not be the smartest guy, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I know that if you’re pleasuring a woman down south, you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet around her…the bubble. Around her bubble.
Brick Tamland: The vulva!
Brian Fantana: The…the Volvo. I know that synergy is a completely made-up word. I know that washing your hands is for nerds, especially if you don’t mind pinkeye. And I know, that no matter what, you always stand by your friends.
Ron Burgundy: You’ll have to excuse me, Brian. I’ve got a sore back from carrying your ass around for the last fifteen years.
Brian Fantana: You know what, Burgundy? I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn’t…can’t even…do anything with.
[suddenly Brian punches Ron hard in the face making him fall to the ground, then Brian, Brick and Champ start to leave]
Ron Burgundy: Fine, go! I don’t need you! I’ll do the news by myself!
[just before Ron is about to go on air, he and Freddie watch the TV as Veronica is about to begin her big interview]
Veronica Corningstone: Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat, the secretive head of the PLO.
Ron Burgundy: This is terrible.
GNN Stage Manager: We’re on in twenty, Ron. Twenty.
Freddie Shapp: Alright.
Freddie Shapp: You ready?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
[Ron points to one of the TV’s showing a car chase]
Freddie Shapp: Huh? Oh, that…that’s nothing. That’s just a car chase on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
Ron Burgundy: You know what? Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
Freddie Shapp: No. That’s not news, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Give it to me live, okay? And don’t question me again.
Freddie Shapp: Bill!
[Ron goes to take his place behind the news desk]
Narrator: [voice over] Now to you, the modern viewer, reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace, but in 1980, it was unheard of.
[Ron begins his news section]
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I’m Ron Burgundy, reporting live from New York. We have breaking news developing in our nation’s heartland. A high-speed car chase is in progress…
[to the crew in the production room]
Freddie Shapp: Keep the “Breaking News” logo. Keep it up. Keep up the graphics.
[back to Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Reaching speeds of one hundred miles per hour. And for the first time in news history, we will stay with it live until it resolves in either a huge accident or a massive shootout.
[a woman sat with her daughter watching the news at home yells to her husband]
Housewife: Richard! Hurry. Get in here! There’s a car chase on the news!
[at the same time Walter is at his science fair waiting for Ron to show up]
Walter Burgundy: When is Dad gonna be here?
Gary: He’ll be here. Are you a little upset? Do you want to…do you want to do that thing where we sort of talk about our feelings?
Walter Burgundy: Oh, God, no.
[Ron continues to report live on the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is the pulse of what’s going on in our country right now.
[Linda walks into the production room]
Linda Jackson: Freddie, what’s going on? Why is there a local car chase on TV?
Freddie Shapp: It’s Burgundy. He insisted!
Linda Jackson: Can’t you see what the son of a bitch is doing? We didn’t have a story, so he made one.
Freddie Shapp: You can’t do that!
Linda Jackson: Tell Ron to speculate who’s driving the car.
[into his headpiece]
Freddie Shapp: Ron, speculate on who’s driving the car.
Ron Burgundy: Uh…we believe the driver may be on drugs. He’s probably 6’7″, 6’8″. But a skinny 6’7″, 6’8″, about one-sixty. He may have a hostage or two. Uh…we don’t know. He could have something…
[everyone gathers on the stage floor to watch Ron, including his team and Jack; to Linda and Freddie]
GNN Crew Member: The phone lines are lighting up. It’s about the chase! I’ve never seen anything like it!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel?
Yasser Arafat: Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to…
[suddenly the red light on top of the camera goes out]
What was…? Excuse me.
[to her producer]
Veronica Corningstone: What happened to the…?
WBC Producer: The network cut to another developing story. Some kind of crazy car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: Who covers a car chase? I am sitting here with the most important…
Veronica Corningstone: …interview of my entire career, and they’re cutting to a car chase?
Yasser Arafat: I would like to watch the car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to shut your mouth.
[Ron continues to report the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is extremely gripping. Oh! Oh! He just hit a car! He just hit a car! He hit a car! Did you see that?
Brick Tamland: He hit a car!
Ron Burgundy: Wow!
Freddie Shapp: He hit the car!
Linda Jackson: He hit the car!
[patrons in a bar are watching the car chase]
Bar Patron: When did the news get awesome?
[the other patrons cheer]
Ron Burgundy: And he just loses it! Wow! That’s exactly what we needed. It was getting a little boring.
[after Walter’s science fair is over Walter continues to wait for Ron to show up]
Gary: Hey. You did a great job.
Walter Burgundy: Thanks, Gary.
Gary: I don’t think your dad’s coming. I’m sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.
[suddenly Walter throws a punch at Gary which he easily dodges]
Walter Burgundy: Stop reading my mind!
[they continue to wait for Ron when suddenly the lights in the hall are turned off and they sit in darkness]
Gary: I mean, this is what I worry about.
Walter Burgundy: Did you do that with your mind?
Walter Burgundy: Liar.
Ron Burgundy: We’re just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman, he’s eighty years old, and he was simply confused.
[as Champ, Brian and Brick watch Ron in the background]
Champ Kind: Unbelievable.
Ron Burgundy: I’m Ron Burgundy. Don’t just have a great night, have an American night.
GNN Stage Manager: And we are clear!
Ron Burgundy: Yes!
[all the crew start clapping]
Ron Burgundy: Great! Alright!
Freddie Shapp: I don’t believe it! You did it, Ron!
[he shakes Ron’s hand]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! Thanks, Freddie.
[Linda then jumps into Ron’s arms]
Ron Burgundy: I don’t deserve this. It was a team effort. It really was.
[we see newspaper clippings, one with the headline “GNN Beats Corningstone and Networks!”, “Ron Burgundy Breaks Ratings Records!”]
[a celebration is being held for Ron at an ice skating rink]
Kench Allenby: Now, ladies and gentlemen, now we all know there’s one reason that GNN have gotten to the top. And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world. Long may he reign! Mr. Ron Burgundy!
[the crowd claps for him]
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
[Ron appears playing the flute while skating to a crowd]
Female in Crowd: Fire it up, Ronny!
[as Ron starts to show off ice skating his old friends start to get annoyed]
Brian Fantana: Let’s blaze.
Champ Kind: Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
[Brian and Champ leave; Ron skates over to Linda and gives her a single white rose]
Ron Burgundy: We did it, my onyx hellion.
Linda Jackson: You’re magic!
[as Brick watches Ron skate like a professional dancer]
Brick Tamland: Ron, you should see what you’re doing!
[when nobody is looking, Jack tosses a cable onto the skating rink]
Narrator: [voice over] In the myth of Icarus, Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, flew too high and the sun melted his wings. Burgundy’s fame was bigger than he ever imagined and the fall was dizzying.
[as Ron flips high into the air and lands back down his skate catches on the cable causing him to fall hard on the ice]
Linda Jackson: Oh, my God, Ronny! Ron!
Kench Allenby: Open the bloody gate!
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #1: Will somebody call an ambulance?
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #2: Do not die in front of us! Do not die in front of us!
[watching as the crowd go to help Ron]
Jack Lime: Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #3: Somebody call an ambulance!
[after his accident Ron is in hospital as the doctor is checking the damage to his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Damn it, Milton, what is it?
Dr. Brangley: Well, Ron, I um…it looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Dr. Brangley: No other way to put this, but…you’re blind.
Ron Burgundy: Milton, I’m an anchorman! I read the news off the teleprompter, it’s what I do! How will I live?
Dr. Brangley: I’m no career counselor, but there are many things you can do. Be an oracle, or a mystic.
Ron Burgundy: Clearly, there must be something in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me!
[Ron starts throwing things around in anger]
Dr. Brangley: Settle down.
Ron Burgundy: There’s got to be something in here!
Dr. Brangley: Settle down!
[two hospital orderlies grab hold of Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Zombies! Zombies!
[the doctor injects Ron with a sedative to calm him down]
Ron Burgundy: If you get my hands on me, I’ll kill you.
[Ron passes out]
Narrator: [voice over] The world of the blind. Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium, had forever entered this realm of darkness.
[two months later; once again without a job and without any purpose, Ron is living in a lighthouse, he’s placing fire wood into the dishwasher when he hears someone knocking]
Ron Burgundy: Who is it?
[the door opens and it’s Brian, Champ and Brick come to visit him]
Brian Fantana: Ron, it’s us!
[after inviting them in, we see due to his blindness Ron has placed dried flowers into his oven and his shoes into the refrigerator]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sure you gentlemen are famished from your travels. I hope you like Triscuits and some Pimento loaf. Still hot off the griddle!
[he places the tray on the table and we see it actually contains some old coins, checkers pieces with caulk on top of them and a screw driver]
Ron Burgundy: There we go.
Brian Fantana: Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron. Jack Lime’s been filling in for you since you’ve been gone. And you know, he’s really not such a bad guy after all.
Ron Burgundy: Uh-huh.
Brian Fantana: He goes by Jack Lamé now.
Ron Burgundy: Well, he shouldn’t be doing that. He should be going by Jack Lame.
[Brick picks up one of the checker’s pieces with caulk on top of it from the tray Ron had brought in and goes to place it in his mouth]
Champ Kind: Brick! Brick! That’s checkers and caulk, don’t eat that.
[Brick takes a bite from the checker’s piece]
Ron Burgundy: What about Linda? She hasn’t called.
Champ Kind: Linda’s pretty busy.
[as he chews on the checkers piece]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I’m going to need your recipe.
Champ Kind: So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day? You’re just out here pretty much away from everything.
Ron Burgundy: Well, every day begins about the same. I wake up screaming in terror because of the blackness and I think I’m dead.
Champ Kind: Every day?
Ron Burgundy: Yes! Every day! And then I begin what’s called “The Great Adventure.” Making breakfast. I’ve eaten everything from nails to drink coasters. One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray, thinking it was a savory waffle. I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth.
Brian Fantana: Couldn’t you tell the ashtray wasn’t hot like a waffle?
Ron Burgundy: No! I couldn’t, because I’m blind! I’m not blind twenty-three hours a day or twenty-two hours a day, I’m blind the whole Goddamn time! Do you have any idea what it’s like to drink a half a bottle of ketchup thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Châteauneuf-du- Pape? I even decanted it.
Brian Fantana: If you drank half a bottle of that, that’s…that’s like…that’s like nine or ten gulps. I mean, you couldn’t tell that was ketchup?
Ron Burgundy: Did I stutter? I’m ba-lind!
Champ Kind: You’re having a tough time, Ron, I know.
Ron Burgundy: You know what the biggest indignity is? I can’t even masturbate!
Brian Fantana: Why?
Ron Burgundy: Heck, one morning, I spent twenty minutes aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, where’s the sensation? Where’s the pleasure coming?
Brian Fantana: You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis?
Ron Burgundy: I know you think I’m stupid, don’t you?
Brian Fantana: No!
Ron Burgundy: The weirdo who lives in the weird lighthouse in the middle of nowhere.
Brian Fantana: Ron, it was your choice to live in a weird lighthouse.
Ron Burgundy: You know why I live here? Let me say it real slow and real loud. I’m blind!
Champ Kind: I guess we should get out of here.
Ron Burgundy: Maybe you should go. Yes. Why don’t you guys get out of here! Despite my complete and utter isolation, your gentlemen’s visit has actually made it worse!
[the three get up and start leaving]
Brian Fantana: Goodbye, Ron.
[as they leave and the door closes]
Ron Burgundy: What? No, don’t go!
[Ron gets up to go after them]
Ron Burgundy: Please! Wait! I’m all alone! Come back!
[Ron steps outside just as the trio drive off]
Ron Burgundy: Wait! Come back! Come back!
[Ron sinks to his knees and starts crying]
Ron Burgundy: I’m alone! Why have you done this to me, God? Why? Couldn’t you have cured a sick child or created a new animal? But, no, you had to make Ron Burgundy blind!
[as Ron is still lying outside his lighthouse crying he hears Veronica’s voice]
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I never thought that I would see the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity.
Ron Burgundy: Who is it? What is that noise?
Veronica Corningstone: Take my hand.
[she extends her hand towards him]
Ron Burgundy: I can’t see it!
Veronica Corningstone: Reach for it, Ron! You have to learn to do for yourself now.
[Ron starts reaching out but can’t manage to grab Veronica’s hand]
Veronica Corningstone: Alright. This…okay. Here we go. Get up. There we go.
[she grabs his hand and helps him stand]
Ron Burgundy: Cher, is that you?
[he touches her face]
Veronica Corningstone: You can’t recognize me by my voice?
Ron Burgundy: Jan-Michael Vincent?
Veronica Corningstone: Really?
[sat inside Ron’s kitchen, Veronica serves them tea]
Veronica Corningstone: Every news station is copying what you did, Ron. All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs.
Ron Burgundy: The genie has been let out of the bottle, and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
Veronica Corningstone: That’s why I quit WBC News.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Veronica Corningstone: There’s no real news being reported out there. It’s just all about ratings.
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, why are you here?
Veronica Corningstone: I’m here for our son, Ron. Walter needs you. I need you to start taking responsibility for him and for yourself.
Ron Burgundy: Do you realize you’re talking to a man who just this morning tried to brush his teeth with a live lobster?
Veronica Corningstone: What? You would’ve known that the second that you touched it…
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying it’s not going to be a cakewalk.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, then we best get to it. Now, drink your tea.
[as Ron goes to grab his cup he knocks it over and sends it crashing to the floor]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh!
Ron Burgundy: Let me get a sponge. I’ll get it.
[Ron picks up an orange from the fruit basket next to him and thinking it’s a sponge he starts using it to wipe the table]
Veronica Corningstone: Alright. No, no, just stay there.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
[Veronica tries to help Ron back on his feet, we see them as they run by the sea where Ron nearly runs fully clothed into the water, later Veronica is throwing an apple at Ron so that he can sense it and catch it but completely misses it]
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, let’s try this again.
Ron Burgundy: Did you throw it?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I threw it.
[later Veronica guides Ron as he sits to draw her]
Veronica Corningstone: Just remember the curves.
Ron Burgundy: The curves.
Veronica Corningstone: Green eyes.
Ron Burgundy: Green eyes.
Veronica Corningstone: You have to use your other senses now!
[in frustration Ron rips the paper]
Ron Burgundy: I can’t do it!
[Walter then comes in an interrupts them]
Walter Burgundy: Baxter found something on the beach!
[outside, Ron and Veronica run after Walter]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, be careful!
Ron Burgundy: It’s okay!
[Walter runs towards a baby shark trapped in a net]
Ron Burgundy: Walter, what is it?
Walter Burgundy: It’s some kind of fish!
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness!
Walter Burgundy: If he stays tangled in this net, he’s not going to survive.
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, sweetheart, it’s a shark.
Ron Burgundy: Son, don’t you worry, we won’t let this fellow die.
[Walter hold Ron’s hand]
Walter Burgundy: We’ll do it together, Dad.
[with Walter’s help Ron frees the baby shark and allow him to swim around in a small part of the ocean by the sand]
Ron Burgundy: That should keep him in there until he’s strong enough to swim out to the deep ocean.
Walter Burgundy: Can I name him?
Ron Burgundy: Of course you can, son.
Walter Burgundy: What about Crackers?
Ron Burgundy: Give me a Goddamned break. Seriously, you’ve got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean and you’re gonna name him Crackers?
Walter Burgundy: In the future when you say I can name something, don’t be a dick about it.
Ron Burgundy: Why don’t we do this? Let’s name him Doby.
Walter Burgundy: You talk all that smack and that’s the best name you come up with?
Ron Burgundy: Well, we’re not gonna get any better than that. I mean, you obviously can’t name him anything that sounds good.
Walter Burgundy: How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I don’t know what to do. We might as well poison the water and let him die.
Walter Burgundy: Woh, woh, woh. Let’s just go with Doby.
Ron Burgundy: Fine, then it’s settled. It’s Doby. We’ll call him Doby even though no one likes it.
Walter Burgundy: Alright, I can live with that.
Ron Burgundy: Don’t worry, Baxter. We won’t feed him your dog food.
[Ron and Walter laugh]
[we see Ron holding the baby shark in his arms as he feeds him milk from a bottle]
Narrator: [voice over] Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight, he had never seen so clearly.
[later we see Ron catching the apple Veronica throws at him]
Veronica Corningstone: You did it!
Narrator: [voice over] And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron’s heart.
[we see Ron finishing a drawing of Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: It’s just a bunch of crazy lines, isn’t it?
Veronica Corningstone: No, it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful.
[Ron and Veronica then share an intimate kiss]
Ron Burgundy: What…what about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: We split up two weeks ago. He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying!
Narrator: [voice over] And so, just like the passing of the seasons, it came time for Doby to return to the deep waters he was meant to call home.
[Ron, Walter and Veronica free Doby into the ocean]
Ron Burgundy: I hear his tail splashing! He’s actually swimming away! Is he looking back for us over his shoulder?
Veronica Corningstone: Sharks don’t have shoulders, Ron. No, he just swam away, and he’s instantly looking for fish to eat.
Walter Burgundy: He was my best friend.
[as they stand and watch Doby swim away Ron starts singing]
Ron Burgundy: You, swam with strength. You, loved with grace. You touched us all with your expressionless face. Doby, oh, Doby. May you find many treasures. Both emotional and monetary. You were wise and loving and never contrary. Doby. Oh, Doby. I’ll never forget thee. No.
[they wave at Doby as he jumps up to catch a fish to eat it]
Walter Burgundy: Promise you’ll always be there for me, Dad?
Ron Burgundy: I promise. If I say I’ll be there for you, there’s nothing on God’s earth that will stop me.
Walter Burgundy: I love you, Dad.
Veronica Corningstone: Let’s get back up to the lighthouse, alright? Come on.
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Veronica Corningstone: Let’s go.
[Ron and Veronica starts walking back as Walter still looks out for Doby in the sea]
Walter Burgundy: I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby.
[Veronica enters the house with a bucket and sees Ron sitting in a chair]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, there you are. I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary. I thought we could steam them up tonight with a nice butter sauce and some wine.
Ron Burgundy: Veronica.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: Can you explain this?
[he presses the play button on the answering machine and it starts playing a message left by his doctor]
Dr. Brangley: Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I’ve left dozens of messages. Somehow, they must be getting erased. But there is a procedure that can possibly return your sight. Please get back to me if you’re interested.
[the message ends]
Ron Burgundy: Well? Have you been erasing these messages?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
Ron Burgundy: How could you?
Veronica Corningstone: We’ve never been this happy, and I just thought that…
Ron Burgundy: Thought that…that if I could see again, that somehow I couldn’t love you and Walter anymore?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes!
Ron Burgundy: Damn you, woman!
[Ron throws down and smashes a lamp in anger]
Ron Burgundy: You lied to me! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, my smile, my seed. You lied to me.
[Walter runs down the stairs]
Walter Burgundy: Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Sweetheart.
Walter Burgundy: No! Dad!
[Ron opens the front door and leaves]
Walter Burgundy: Don’t leave, Dad! Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, just…sweetheart, we have to let him go.
[they hear engine of the car as Ron starts the car]
Veronica Corningstone: He needs to go free, just like Doby.
[they hear Ron drive off]
Walter Burgundy: He’ll be back, he promised.
[suddenly they hear a crashing noise as Ron crashes the car]
Ron Burgundy: Could you please call me a damn cab? I’m blind!
Veronica Corningstone: Of course!
Dr. Brangley: Ron, the operation was a success. But we won’t know for sure until we remove the bandages.
[Brangley removes Ron’s bandages]
Dr. Brangley: Well?
Ron Burgundy: Yes. I can see.
[Ron returns to GNN where they office is holding a welcome back party for him]
Chani’s Boss: Oh, God. Oh, God. It’s Ron Burgundy, everyone!
[everyone claps for him]
Chani’s Boss: You are my inspiration.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, well, thank you.
Brian Fantana: Welcome back, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Thanks. Thanks, Bri, man.
Brick Tamland: Good luck in Vietnam.
Ron Burgundy: Brick.
Chani Lastnamé: Brick and I are having a baby! We’re gonna name him Tortilla Jackson.
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m twenty-two months pregnant.
Kench Allenby: Well, get over here, you bastard.
Freddie Shapp: Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
Ron Burgundy: Uh…hold on to that drink. Uh…I just want to grab some air.
[feeling overwhelmed Ron leaves the office party when Linda follows him]
Linda Jackson: How you doing there?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m fine. Just uh…just a lot of people in there.
Linda Jackson: Listen, Ron, I’m sorry that I never called or visited.
Ron Burgundy: There’s…there’s no need to explain. I mean…
Linda Jackson: But, listen, I mean, you’re back.
[suddenly Veronica interrupts them]
Veronica Corningstone: Hello, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: What are you doing here?
Veronica Corningstone: I had to come tell you something very important. But…
[she smiles at Linda]
Veronica Corningstone: You must be Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: You must be Veronica.
[they shake hands]
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I am. It’s a pleasure.
Ron Burgundy: This is a touching moment for me.
Veronica Corningstone: Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you touch Ron again, I will shoot you in the cooch with a BB gun.
Linda Jackson: Oh, you can talk big all you want, but guess what? This kitten’s got claws, bitch.
Veronica Corningstone: Don’t mess with me, Linda, because this “White Thunder” rolls deep and it rolls nasty.
[Ron, looking like he’s enjoying the display of jealousy over him by the two women]
Ron Burgundy: I was feeling a little bit down, but this is definitely picking up my mood.
Linda Jackson: Well, I guess I’ll leave you two alone. And it’s uh…been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
Veronica Corningstone: This has been great.
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys want to kiss real quick?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron. Read the room, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll take that as a no.
[Linda turns and starts walking away]
Veronica Corningstone: Bye, Linda.
Veronica Corningstone: I know why you haven’t been returning my messages. I wasn’t calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street. And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Walter.
Veronica Corningstone: It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there.
[suddenly they are interrupted by Freddie]
Freddie Shapp: Ron, I just got a call from the control room!
Freddie Shapp: Oh, big fan.
Freddie Shapp: Actress Sheila Blackledge, you know, the mom from the hit sitcom “Four’s a Family, Five’s a Crowd?” She just found out her husband cheated on her and she severed his penis while he slept!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my…
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness.
Freddie Shapp: The police arrived, she fled in her white Bronco, and now they’re engaged in a high-speed car chase! We’ve got an exclusive on the live feed, but we’ve got to go, right now! Ron, this can be your comeback.
[looking torn, Ron turns to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, I…
Veronica Corningstone: No, Ron. No. That…that will get sky-high ratings. Walter will understand.
Freddie Shapp: Walter will understand.
Veronica Corningstone: Go.
[Veronica turns and starts walking away]
Freddie Shapp: Come on, Ron. Priorities!
Ron Burgundy: Veronica!
Freddie Shapp: Come on!
[Freddie pulls Ron to leave]
[Ron goes to the studio to take his seat behind the news desk and get ready]
Linda Jackson: Can you hear me?
[Ron touches his earpiece]
Ron Burgundy: Yes, yes. You’re coming in loud and clear.
Linda Jackson: You’re back and you get this story. This is gonna be huge.
Ron Burgundy: Right.
Linda Jackson: So, is it good to be back home?
Ron Burgundy: Um…yeah, I feel good.
[Allenby is in Linda’s office looking at Ron through the glass window]
Kench Allenby: God, look at him. Like a beacon in the night! My golden goose.
Linda Jackson: Alright, baby. So I’m just gonna be giving you the details.
Ron Burgundy: Mm-hmm.
GNN Stage Manager: Five, four, three, two…
Ron Burgundy: Good evening, America. After some time off, it’s good to be back with you. I’m Ron Burgundy. We have a story tonight involving an affair, a cut-off penis, a TV star and a car chase.
Linda Jackson: And throw it to the feed.
[the monitor shows the car chase being shown]
Ron Burgundy: The only problem is…
Kench Allenby: What’s he doing?
Linda Jackson: Ron, are you okay?
[Ron ignores them and continues]
Ron Burgundy: It’s not news.
Kench Allenby: What?
[to the stage manager]
Ron Burgundy: Turn off the prompter.
[Ron hears Allenby through his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Ron, this is Kench. What the hell do you think you’re doing, mate? Just read what’s in front of you, or I will ruin you!
[Ron raises his hand remove his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Don’t! Don’t! You leave Kench inside your head!
[Ron removes his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Goddamn it!
Freddie Shapp: He took out his earpiece.
Ron Burgundy: You see, folks, I’ve read a lot of news in my day, but it’s…it’s taken me until now to realize what real news is. Real news is supposed to let people know what the powerful are up to, so that power doesn’t become corrupt. But what happens when the powerful own the news?
Kench Allenby: Oh, you piece of shit!
Freddie Shapp: Shit, he’s blowing the whole thing up.
[Ron continues his speech]
Ron Burgundy: Recently, I’ve been on a bit of a personal journey. I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman. I became blind. I bottle fed and raised a shark. And I smoked a fair amount of crack. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that there was an emptiness left after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
[he looks over to Brian, Champ and Brick who are stood behind the camera watching him]
Brick Tamland: Hi, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see my child’s recital and tell the woman I love that I still love her. Good night, America, and never forget, you deserve the truth.
[Ron stands, takes his microphone off and drops it on the desk and starts to leave]
Kench Allenby: Good. He’s dead, done. Linda, get the…the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!
Freddie Shapp: He’s coming back!
[Ron comes back, picks up his microphone and speaks into it]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, also, one other thing. Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.
Kench Allenby: You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!
[Ron goes over to Brian, Champ and Brick]
Ron Burgundy: Guys, I’m sorry. For a while there, I…I don’t know what became of Ron Burgundy. Brick, I’m sorry I yelled at you. Brian, I…no reason why I killed that story of yours, it was excellent reporting. And, Champ, I’m sorry I said no to all those offers for late night deep-tissue rubdowns.
Brick Tamland: Ron, you’re a good man. But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris, and before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself.
Ron Burgundy: What was that, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I’m wearing two pairs of pants.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you.
Brian Fantana: So that’s it, huh? You’re sorry? You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and everyone’s got a shoe box full of Polaroids of them under the bed.
Champ Kind: Ron, we’re a team, we need you.
Brian Fantana: Let him go, Champ.
[Ron turns and walks off]
Champ Kind: Ron!
[as Ron is walking out of the studio]
Champ Kind: Long live Ron Burgundy!
[as Ron leaves the studio Brick takes his seat at the news desk and starts speaking to the camera]
Brick Tamland: I’m Brick Tamland for GNN News. The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
[as Ron is leaving the building Allenby approaches him]
Kench Allenby: You little hack! Huh? Who the hell do you think you are? After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? Well, I will crush you!
[suddenly Linda opens the door and pushes Allenby out of the way]
Linda Jackson: Once again, Mr. Burgundy, you are the ballsiest white man I’ve ever known.
Ron Burgundy: What the hell? One more for old times’ sake.
[he grabs her and kisses her then starts to walk away]
[Veronica and Walter arrive at the school recital]
Veronica Corningstone: Thank you.
Walter Burgundy: Is Dad going to come?
Veronica Corningstone: No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
Walter Burgundy: He’s going to come. I know it.
[Ron runs of GNN building to hail a cab]
Ron Burgundy: Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
[as Ron reaches a cab it pulls away]
Ron Burgundy: Dammit! It’s so hard for a proud Mexican to get a taxi in this city!
[Ron starts runs down the street to get to the recital]
Ron Burgundy: I need to see my son!
[back to Walter’s recital]
Music Teacher: And now, to play an original composition that he wrote for his father, here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
[the crowd claps as Walter steps onto the stage; Ron continues to run towards the school]
Ron Burgundy: I made a promise! I made a promise to my son!
[as Ron is running through the park he is ambushed by Jack and his team who are carrying axes]
Ron Burgundy: What the hell?
Jack Lime: Well, hello, Ron. You out for a jog?
Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime!
[Ron looks around and sees all the people in the park running off]
Ron Burgundy: Where’s everyone going? Please. I don’t have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.
Jack Lime: Well, that’s funny, cause I got nowhere to be. Because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making me call myself Jack Lame? It was a living hell!
Ron Burgundy: I’m telling you, you have to let me go!
Jack Lime: Oh, don’t worry. Four against one. This will be over fast.
[just then Brian appears from behind a tree with a crowbar in his hand]
Brian Fantana: Maybe not so fast!
[then Champ and Brick appear with carrying a large hammer and trident]
Ron Burgundy: My news team. Thank God!
[Brian, Champ and Brick come over to join Ron]
Champ Kind: Ain’t a day that will be or has been that we don’t have Ron Burgundy’s back.
Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I’m done with these mutts, I’m gonna wipe my shoes on the curb.
Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I’m done with you, my mom’s gonna pick me up and take me home.
[as Ron and Jack’s team are about to attack each other they are interrupted by the BBC news network team]
BBC News Anchor: Wait! Here’s a headline for you, “Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader From a Superior Country.” For we are the BBC News Service!
BBC New Service Team: Raaahhh!
Ron Burgundy: No, not now.
[to his team]
Jack Lime: Fall back, fall back.
[they move back when the MTV news network team suddenly land in the park]
MTV Host: If y’all are gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in.
Brian Fantana: What’s MTV?
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s a venereal disease.
MTV Host: The most requested video of the day, a new band called “Burgundy’s Sucking Chest Wound.”
[his team hold up their weapons ready to attack, just then they are interrupted by the entertainment news network team arriving in a car]
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: It wouldn’t be a battle without Jill Janson.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.
BBC News Anchor: Entertainment news is an abomination!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it’s your own blood!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: Today’s celebrity birthdays, none. Today’s celebrity deaths, all you dick-licks.
Brian Fantana: I like the way they’re put together.
Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I like to cunt punt cowboys.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: You eat pussy?
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: You’re gonna.
[they are all then interrupted by the Canadian news team]
Scott Riles: Hey! There’s not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
[his team hold up their hockey sticks and yell]
Female Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles: Give it a rest, hey?
Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can’t have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles: We’re gonna mop the floor with you! We’re gonna put the boots to you! Sorry.
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry. We’re gonna gouge your eyes out and kick your head in!
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
Brick Tamland: I like your ginger ale!
[they are then interrupted by the sports news team]
ESPN Reporter: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight’s play of the day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body.
Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there’s a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy: It’s true, the market is becoming saturated.
[everyone is then interrupted by the History network team accompanied by famous ghosts]
History Channel Reporter: Hey, the History Network wants in on this. We’re news, too. Only news told much, much later.
Ron Burgundy: Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
History Channel Reporter: Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
Jack Lime: I don’t know about this, man. The Minotaur isn’t even history! He’s mythology!
[the Minotaur roars in anger]
Ron Burgundy: Let’s…let’s not downplay the fact that that’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
[just then Mack Tannen appears]
Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You’re too old for this!
Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there’s the thing. When there’s an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind: He’s on our side, right, Ron?
[suddenly Tannen turns into a were-hyena]
Ron Burgundy: He’s a were-hyena!
MTV Host: I’m gonna call Michael Jackson, I got a video idea.
Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up!
[Ron walks into the middle of the news teams gathered]
Ron Burgundy: By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I’m so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
Scott Riles: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry.
Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: I am El Trousias!
[everyone looks up to see the faux Greek goddess standing on a rooftop]
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: Hear my siren song!
[she starts blowing her horn]
ESPN Reporter: El Trousias, The Juicies.
[as she finishes blowing her horn]
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.
[referring to the futuristic weapon Brick is holding]
Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?
Brick Tamland: It’s a gun from the future.
MTV Host: No fair! He’s got a gun from the future!
Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?
[as Walter begins his piano recital the news network teams get ready to begin their battle]
BBC News Anchor: In the name of the King, the Queen and St. George.
BBC New Service Team: Huzzah!
[the battle begins with everyone using their weapons to attack each other, including Scott Riles who uses his hockey stick to take out someone’s eye]
Scott Riles: Guess you didn’t see that coming.
[the History new team use ancient bombs]
History Channel Reporter: Twenty degrees right.
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: Fill that gap! Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning!
[to one of the news reporters that has been beaten down]
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son. Release your soul to me.
[he sucks the soul out of the reporters body, then the BBC News reporter shoots one of the Minotaur’s hands off, then the Canadian news team start throwing hockey balls at everyone with their hockey sticks]
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
Scott Riles: Sorry!
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
[as Brian gets with a hockey ball]
Scott Riles: Sorry!
Brian Fantana: Sex Panther powers activate.
[Brian kills the Canadian news team with his super natural weapon, then Brick kills the MTV news team with his futuristic weapon]
[as the ghost of Stonewall Jackson appears before Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! Everyone, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ron Burgundy: Why do we have to fight? There’s so much I could learn from you.
[Jackson starts sucking Ron’s soul out of his body but he’s interrupted by the BBC news team grabbing hold of Ron]
BBC News Anchor: In the name of Margaret Thatcher…
Ron Burgundy: No!
BBC News Anchor: I sentence you to death!
Ron Burgundy: Please, no!
[as the BBC News reporter hurls his axe at Ron it’s stopped mid-air just before it hits him, we see that Gary is the one who stopped it using his telepathic mind powers]
Ron Burgundy: What in the name of Dan lssel?
[Ron notices Gary is the one who stopped the axe]
Ron Burgundy: Gary!
Gary: Yes, Ron.
[he destroys the axe with his powers]
Gary: You and I never got along, but using the power of my mind, I was able to see in the future that you would do good. Now, go.
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Gary: Go to your son’s recital.
Ron Burgundy: I knew you had mind powers!
Gary: And make it the greatest day of your life!
[talking into a giant old fashioned cell phone]
ESPN Reporter: Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call. Thirty-niner-niner-fourteen, cook these fools. I repeat, cook these fools.
[suddenly a jet flies in and starts shooting at everyone]
Ron Burgundy: We’ve got to get out of here. There’s too much news!
[Ron and his team make a run for it out of the park]
Brian Fantana: Man, what a rush!
Brick Tamland: The monster’s my friend!
Champ Kind: Ron, we can still make your kid’s recital!
[as the team make it out of the park they are stopped by Jack and his news team]
Jack Lime: Hey, Ronny!
Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son’s recital.
Jack Lime: No! That is out of the question!
Brian Fantana: We’re outnumbered, Ron.
Jack Lime: Foam the runway, I’m coming in hot!
[as Jack and his team are about to attack suddenly a group of bikers ride in, their leader takes off his helmet to reveal it’s Wes Mantooth]
Wes Mantooth: Old MacDonald had a farm. And then four guys on bikes showed up.
Ron Burgundy: Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!
Jack Lime: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? This is a national news fight.
Wes Mantooth: You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.
Ron Burgundy: It’s actually pronounced San Diago.
Wes Mantooth: Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything, but we share the bond of being from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.
Jack Lime: Well, ain’t that cute? But you’re outnumbered three-to-one. Why don’t you go back to your mama?
Wes Mantooth: Don’t you use my mom’s name in vain. Dorothy Mantooth was a hard working single woman who raised seven children on her own, and she remained sexually active till the day she died.
Ron Burgundy: She brought pole dancing into the mainstream.
Wes Mantooth: Now here’s the thing. While I’ve been talking, my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet. I drop this smoke and every one of you goes poof.
Jack Lime: Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman. You drop that smoke, you die, too.
Wes Mantooth: With the things I’ve done in my life? Oh, I know I’m going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain’t afraid to burn here on Earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! That’s the most badass thing I have ever heard.
Jack Lime: Alright! Looks like this fight’s over.
[Jack’s team turns to leave]
Jack Lime: Let’s go, boys.
Brick Tamland: Yay! We won! Let’s celebrate!
[Brick holds up a lit sparkler]
Brick Tamland: Sparklers!
Ron Burgundy: No, no, no! Brick!
[Brick drops the sparkler]
[as the sparkler drops it starts a fire which then causes a massive explosion]
[as Walter finishes his piano recital, the crowd cheers and claps for him as he stands and bows he sees Ron and his team sitting in the crowd, next to Veronica cheering him on]
Veronica Corningstone: Bravo!
Ron Burgundy: Yeah!
Veronica Corningstone: Bravo!
Walter Burgundy: Dad!
Ron Burgundy: Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here. And I’d do it again.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, together we can defeat voodoo!
[Ron goes onto the stage and holds Walter up proudly and puts him on his shoulder]
Narrator: [voice over] Ron had finally learned how to love his son and his wife more than his career. And as it turned out, his walking off the news was the highest-rated TV event of the year. He and his news team, along with Veronica, could have any job they wanted. But before that, they had one little thing to take care of.
[the team are on the beach attending Brick’s wedding to Chani]
Priest: And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony, Brick and Chani ask us to join them as they exchange their vows.
[Chani reads from a long scroll]
Chani Lastnamé: My dearest Brick, everything I have is yours. My four lawnmowers, my sister, my thirty-five ferrets. My massive student loan and real estate debt. It’s all yours.
[Brick then reads from his scroll]
Brick Tamland: Oh, Chani. I will never forget the exact moment I saw you. My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought, “Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick.”
[suddenly Walter stands and points to something]
Walter Burgundy: Wait! Look!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter! Walter! Honey! Sssh.
Walter Burgundy: Look in the water! It’s Doby!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my God! It’s Doby! Doby!
[Ron runs towards the water]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, what are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
Veronica Corningstone: He’s not your friend!
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
[Ron gets into the water and starts swimming towards Doby]
Champ Kind: Ron! That’s a shark!
Veronica Corningstone: He will eat you!
[Ron swims underwater towards Doby and holds out his arms]
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
[he holds Doby’s head in his hands and kisses his head]
Champ Kind: Oh, my God! The shark actually recognizes him!
[suddenly Doby tries to attack Ron]
Brian Fantana: Nope. He’s viciously attacking him.
[last lines; as Doby continues to attack Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Doby! Doby, it’s me! Ron!
[Ron tries to swim away in panic]
Narrator: [voice over] If a man dies with love in his heart, does he truly die? Absolutely! But on this day, Ron Burgundy’s grapple with this denizen from the deep was halted by twenty-eight pounds of furry providence.
[Baxter comes forward barking and then runs into the water]
Ron Burgundy: I bottle-fed you! Ah!
[Baxter bites Doby on his side]
Ron Burgundy: Baxter!
[Baxter barks and we see subtitles, “I banish thee, Doby”, Doby then swims off and Baxter swims into Ron’s arms]
Ron Burgundy: Baxter! Baxter! Ah! Yes!
[Ron holds Baxter in his arms, Baxter barks and we see subtitles, “I seriously question why I maintain this friendship!”]
Ron Burgundy: I know! I know, I love you, too. Come on.
[with Baxter in his arms, Ron swims back towards the shore with the crowd cheering for them]
[after credits scene; the teams ends their first meeting after deciding what they want to broadcast]
Ron Burgundy: Alright, let’s do it.
[they all get up to leave]
Ron Burgundy: You guys think that what…I don’t know how to use a computer. Hey, fellas? I just saw Jack Lime out there.
[as the others walk off we see Brick is under the table eating a cookie from the floor]
Ron Burgundy: He’s a goddamn iceman. Scared the crap out of me.
[as Brick finishes eating he looks at the camera, smiles and waves at the audience]
Total Quotes: 132
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