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[having Christmas dinner at Garrett Tiara’s house]
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, I’m really sorry. I have to eat and run. I gotta head over to the shelter, so.
Garrett’s Mom: Aaah!
Philip: The shelter? Ah! That’s so inspiring.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. I really love helping bums.
[referring to his poem]
Garrett Tiara: This is called The Chase, by Garrett Tiara.
[reads his poem out loud]
Garrett Tiara: “X O, X O. My love for you is X O, X O. About her smile, that I would walk a mile for. About her personality, that makes me see the best in me. One glance, one dance. Because together we can achieve bal-ance.” Thank you.
Elizabeth Halsey: So, your poem is about that girl?
Garrett Tiara: Yeah. Chase. If I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel. I know she’d understand.
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, it’s not gonna happen buddy. I was that hot girl. Hotter even! And I would have never gone out with you. And I’m not saying that to be mean. I’m saying that to be helpful.
Garrett Tiara: What do you know? You don’t even know our name!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ll tell you what I know. A kid who wears the same gymnastic sweatshirt three days a week, isn’t getting laid until he’s twenty nine. That’s what I know.
Garrett Tiara: Sweatshirt was my dad’s. It’s all he left me, when he left me.
Elizabeth Halsey: There’s a reason he didn’t pack it. Just saying.
Lynn Davies: A bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period Five play. Do you wanna come?
Elizabeth Halsey: Period Five?
Lynn Davies: Yeah. The teacher band.
Elizabeth Halsey: I’d rather get shot in the face.
[just after Elizabeth has said no to Lynn to go see band Period Five]
Scott Delacorte: So, are you guys coming to The Palace tonight? My band’s gonna do a few songs.
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re in Period Five!
Scott Delacorte: You’re looking at the new rhythm guitarist and back up vocalist. Should be fun.
Elizabeth Halsey: Should be amazing! Lynn, you wanna come?
[give Elizabeth a confused look]
Lynn Davies: Yes. Yes.
Elizabeth Halsey: You should go talk to someone, Lynn.
Lynn Davies: Uh, I’m fin here.
Elizabeth Halsey: Come on, Lynn! You need to loosen up and live a little. When was the last time you had a good dicking?
Russell Gettis: A good dicking!
Elizabeth Halsey: Go talk to those guys over there.
[Lynn looks over and sees two guys in cowboy hats]
Lynn Davies: In the cowboy hats?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah.
Lynn Davies: What? Come on!
Elizabeth Halsey: You come on! Now go talk to them.
Lynn Davies: What am I gonna talk about?
Elizabeth Halsey: It doesn’t matter. Look, you go and you start with one of them. Then you start talking to the other one. And then you go back to the first one, but still be touching the other one. And then you just choose. Text book!
Russell Gettis: Yeah. From the worlds weirdest text book.
Elizabeth Halsey: What are you doing here anyway?
Russell Gettis: I thought it was poetry slam night. I was gonna get drunk and mock them.
Elizabeth Halsey: Sounds fun actually.
Russell Gettis: I’ll let you know next time I go.
Elizabeth Halsey: Not that fun.
Russell Gettis: Okay, just so you know, that shit does not faze me at all! I’m like the fucking terminator, dude. I’m just gonna keep coming after you. Just so we’re clear.
Elizabeth Halsey: Good luck with that.
[referring to Scott]
Lynn Davies: Forget him. At least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best teacher you can be. I mean, who knows? Maybe, you’ll win the bonus.
Elizabeth Halsey: What bonus?
Lynn Davies: For the state test. Whichever teacher has highest scoring class gets a bonus. Amy wins every year.
Elizabeth Halsey: How much?
Lynn Davies: Fifty seven hundred dollars.
[Elizabeth slams the car breaks hard making Lynn hit her head on the dashboard]
Lynn Davies: Son of a bitch!
Elizabeth Halsey: Fifty seven hundred?
Lynn Davies: Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: God dammit, Lynn! You never tell me anything!
[to her students]
Elizabeth Halsey: Things are about to change around here! Recess is over!
[stops Spencer from hitting Elizabeth with a basketball]
Russell Gettis: Twilight, look at me? What did we talk about in class? Your weight should be evenly distributed. You have to throw off the back foot. Don’t throw at her. Throw through her!
[the other kids cheer him to throw the ball to hit Elizabeth and he does]
[to Lynn and Russell in the teachers break room talking about their weekend]
Amy Squirrel: And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant
Scott Delacorte: They finally got their own cuisine. Progress.
[in the teachers break room]
Scott Delacorte: I just love people who are so passionate about what they do. It’s so inspirational.
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks. Yeah, you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum thing. I don’t know, it’s just not me!
Scott Delacorte: It’s good to know there’s still some actual educators out there.
Principal Wally Snur: Amy, do you see this beautiful little glass dolphins figurine?
Amy Squirrel: Mmm.
[Amy’s sitting with her back to Snur]
Principal Wally Snur: Look at it.
Amy Squirrel: Yep.
Principal Wally Snur: Look at it!
Amy Squirrel: I’m looking at it!
Principal Wally Snur: Elizabeth gave this to me. She is a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons.
Amy Squirrel: Wally! Can’t you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?
Principal Wally Snur: No. What I see is that you are getting worked up. And what I would hate to see, is for you to get overwhelmed. Like you did in 2008.
[to her class after marking their quiz]
Elizabeth Halsey: Pathetic! This is why the Japs are taking us. And believe me, I don’t mean you!
[points to Japanese looking student]
Sasha Abernathy: But we’re working really hard.
[she throws all their quiz papers into the air]
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re not working hard enough! I need results!
[addressing the school staff]
Amy Squirrel: If anyone has any information regarding the missing Annie wig, please let me ASAP.
Russell Gettis: Come on, guys! There’s a wig missing.
Amy Squirrel: Because, if that wig isn’t found, you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not come out tomorrow.
[after Elizabeth has won the bonus for having the highest scoring class]
Amy Squirrel: Elizabeth, I am so proud of you. I mean, if someone told me at the beginning of the year that you…you would get the bonus, well I would have said to whomever it was, ‘no way! Absolutely not!’ And now, here we are.
Scott Delacorte: We should go out and celebrate.
[pointing to Elizabeth]
Scott Delacorte: You’re treat.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah. Unfortunately Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for the Springfield trip.
Scott Delacorte: Oh!
Amy Squirrel: Yeah! We’re the chaperones. We’re going together. We’re dating, so. It’ll also be romantic.
Elizabeth Halsey: How fun.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah. You’re not seeing anyone now, right?
Scott Delacorte: So, are you excited about your surgery?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ve never been more excited about anything.
Scott Delacorte: It’s a pretty inspiring message to the kids. We should never stop working on ourselves. Like you with your little boobs. Or me experimenting with ethnic food.
[after finding out Elizabeth had stolen the Annie wig and also stolen the scores for her class]
Amy Squirrel: This time I have a witness and like I said, Wally, she stole the Annie wig. We’re dealing with a criminal mastermind. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wall. You know how much we all loved her.
Principal Wally Snur: Okay. Well, you know, I have to call the superintendent. We’re gonna have to cross-check her entire classes scores. This is a real shit sandwich!
Amy Squirrel: Of course, you know what scares me the most, Wall? This is just what we know, right? Who knows what else she’s capable of!
[smiles to herself and then becomes serious]
Amy Squirrel: So awful!
Scott Delacorte: You know, when President Lincoln abolished slavery, it was not a popular opinion
Elizabeth Halsey: Mmm.
Scott Delacorte: I just hate slavery so, so much!
Elizabeth Halsey: Slavery’s the worst.
Scott Delacorte: If I could go back in time and undo slavery, I would. I hate it!
Russell Gettis: I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Can I tell you guys what I hate?
Scott Delacorte: Mmm.
Russell Gettis: Sharks.
Scott Delacorte: Mmm. Well, sharks can tare families apart.
Russell Gettis: But they’re also so majestic.
Scott Delacorte: They are beautiful creatures.
Russell Gettis: But they’re also so ferocious!
Scott Delacorte: So ferocious! One of nature’s cruel jokes, I guess.
Scott Delacorte: God, we are so simpatico.
Elizabeth Halsey: Maybe next time, we can dry hump without our clothes on.
Scott Delacorte: I’m pretty sure I’d like that.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah.
[Scott leans close to her as if to kiss her lips but instead kisses her forehead]
Scott Delacorte: Even your forehead is sexy.
[after admitting to Chase the he loves her and getting rejected by her]
Garrett Tiara: She’s never gonna like me, is she?
Elizabeth Halsey: Are we still on this?
Garrett Tiara: She’s my everything!
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, here’s the deal, man. I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl, is never gonna be interested in you. Never! You clearly have a rich interior life, with the poems and the whatever. But, she wants a guy like Ian what’s his face! Ian Mental-bomb, the rapper?
[Elizabeth nods her head]
Garrett Tiara: He’s an idiot!
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, he’s a fucking mo-ron! But she doesn’t care. She’s superficial and her priorities are all fucked up! She likes him because he’s hot and popular dude. You…are sensitive.
Garrett Tiara: Yes! Thank you!
Elizabeth Halsey: That’s not a compliment.
Elizabeth Halsey: You have some rough road ahead of you. Seventh grade is not your moment.
Garrett Tiara: Yeah. Eight grade will be better.
Elizabeth Halsey: Probably not. I’m thinking college. That’s your window. Be ready.
Garrett Tiara: If I go back out there, everyone’s gonna laugh at me.
Elizabeth Halsey: Maybe this’ll help.
Garrett Tiara: What are you doing?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m giving you a gift.
[she slips her bra off from her under her jumper]
Garrett Tiara: Wow!
Elizabeth Halsey: We are gonna change the news cycle. Trust me on this.
[taking her bra]
Garrett Tiara: Thought it would be heavier.
Elizabeth Halsey: Don’t be weird. And take this off!
[slaps his hat off]
Elizabeth Halsey: Remember, fucking weird again! What are you, crazy?
Russell Gettis: It’s a nice thing you did.
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know what you’re takin’ about.
Russell Gettis: Really? Cause I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not wearing a bra. And those uh…those kids over there are playing with one.
Elizabeth Halsey: Lots of people don’t wear bras.
Russell Gettis: Definitely. Lots of teachers.
Elizabeth Halsey: Well, if you must know, I was helping a student through a rough time.
Russell Gettis: I’m going through such a tough time. Can I have your panties?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m not wearing any.
Amy Squirrel: I know! Ev-ery-thing! Carl Halabi! The state test. The blatant disregard for the school syllabus. And let’s not forget the sleeping with my boyfriend.
[turns to Scott]
Amy Squirrel: Scott, your phone accidently called me last night. I can’t believe you’d let her take advantage of you like that. You are too trusting.
Scott Delacorte: I am. I didn’t know what was happening!
Amy Squirrel: I hope you haven’t spent that bonus check or anything. Because you’re about to give it back, and then some. Jail time! Jail time!
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you ever think that maybe…
Amy Squirrel: Save it, doll face! You can explain it all tomorrow, to the principal and the superintendent. When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent tomorrow. At the meeting! Tomorrow!
Carl Halabi: I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was not true.
School Superintendent: What part of it, exactly?
Carl Halabi: All of it, pretty much.
[pointing to Elizabeth sat next to him]
Carl Halabi: I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.
Amy Squirrel: Belloni!
School Superintendent: You seemed very certain a couple of days ago.
Carl Halabi: I…I did. Because…
[Elizabeth clears her throat loudly to warn him]
Carl Halabi: Um…I’m a casual drug user. That’s my thing. And everybody knows it. So that explains me making absolutely no sense. Thank you.
[he gets up to leave]
Elizabeth Halsey: A re-test on? Come on! Do we really wanna tell our young people, that if they study, sacrifice and achieve the highest scores in the state, that they’re rewarded with suspicion? I don’t! I find these kinds of accusations troubling. And quite frankly, reckless. I worked my ass off for this school and I know I am not perfect. But show me the perfect teacher? You can’t. There are even teachers in this very school, who use drugs.
Amy Squirrel: They do! They do use drugs!
Elizabeth Halsey: They do!
Amy Squirrel: They do!
Elizabeth Halsey: They do!
Amy Squirrel: Wally, do you remember how I told you there are teachers here who use and abuse drugs?
School Superintendent: God dammit! And I’m hearing about this now?
[giving her goodbye speech at the school staff]
Amy Squirrel: Wally, thank you for those kind words. And thank you all. My decision, that I made myself, to leave, was super difficult. But when the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools in the state, well, you say yes! And boy I am looking forward bringing my brand of zany energy to those under privileged students, at Malcolm X High School. Thank you!
Elizabeth Halsey: Here, sign my year book.
Russell Gettis: Hold my ball sack.
[hands her his bag of soccer balls]
Russell Gettis: Hey, uh…you’re gonna teach again next year, are you?
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know. It’s the only thing I’m good at.
Russell Gettis: I’m just saying, maybe you should consider doing something else. Like anything else. Like any other job in the entire world.
Elizabeth Halsey: You know, the two of us, it’s never gonna happen.
Russell Gettis: Clearly.
Elizabeth Halsey: I mean, how would that even work? Where do you even live? You…you know, some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?
Russell Gettis: No, my creepy roommate moved out. So now it’s just…it’s just me and the dogs.
Elizabeth Halsey: How many dogs do you have?
Russell Gettis: Four.
Elizabeth Halsey: Four dogs?
Russell Gettis: Yeah. Four Dobermans.
Elizabeth Halsey: Any family money?
Russell Gettis: Yeah. You bet. We’re talking like three figures. Almost seven hundred bucks.
Elizabeth Halsey: So basically, if I was gonna go out with you, I would be making the conscious choice to be dating a gym teacher, who lives in a shop with four dogs?
Russell Gettis: I prefer to think of it as two people, with amazing bodies, sharing those bodies with each other. Giving each other the gift of these bodies.
Russell Gettis: Anyway, actually none of this really matters. Um…I’ve sort of started seeing somebody.
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh! Really? That’s…congratulations. I didn’t…I didn’t realize that, so.
Russell Gettis: Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: I feel stupid.
Russell Gettis: Yeah. I’m just fucking with you.
Elizabeth Halsey: Guess I deserve that one.
Russell Gettis: Yeah, you most certainly did. I think it’s about time you realize that the whole world…
[she suddenly kisses]
[back to school from summer break]
Lynn Davies: You didn’t get your…your tits?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. I thought about it and you know, I realized I don’t even need ’em. Plus, they’re really expensive, you know, per tit.
Lynn Davies: Yeah, and you gotta get two of ’em.
Elizabeth Halsey: Hmm. And I met a guy.
[just then Russell walks past them in the hallway]
Lynn Davies: Oh, tell me everything. Did you find your prince charming?
[she turns to look at Russell and he sticks his tongue out in a crude sexual gesture]
Elizabeth Halsey: Something like that.
Total Quotes: 75
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