By Erica Clark
So, I saw Black Christmas yesterday. Here’s my 25 problems / questions…
1. I hate these fake a** sorority and fraternity names they have to come up with. Moo Moo Xi… b*tch what is that?
2. There’s no in between with the men in this movie. Either they’re Alpha rapists, or they’re soft a** punks.
3. I never want to see the guy who played Landon, ever again. In no more movies, ever again.
4. Why cast a black man as the weak boyfriend. Just a weak, stuttering loser.
5. We get it, they’re feminist. We get it in the first 6 minutes. Y’all beat that horse over and over and over and over and…one more time.
6. The black friend mentions that the founder of the college was racist and owned slaves, both her friends were like, “But more importantly, he was mean to women, white women!”
7. When the Dao Tappa Elion, or whatever the f**k that frats name was, let the black dude join, was that a nod to saying that rich, white rapist men will accept a black man before they accept a woman.
8. Helena was the PickMeist of Pick Me B*tches that ever existed.
9. Did y’all just forget about the girl and her cat, dead, on the roof? Like she was supposed to meet her sister at the train. Did her family never call?
10. WTF was this app that they were getting these messages?
11. Speaking of the cat girl, did she really put a f**king diva cup in, standing directly in front of her friend, while making eye contact. Who would do this? Ever?
12. I couldn’t imagine being around these girls for more than 7 minutes before slamming my head into a wall.
13. The song they sang at the talent show was funny though.
14. More importantly, “Hey girl, I know you were raped, at this very frat house and the guy who raped you will be there, but you want to go anyway?”
15. Was it just me, or were the men way more gratuitously violent to the women than the women were to the men? I’m talking woman kicks dude, he then shoots a bow and arrow through her heart.
16. When the lead character had a chance to retaliate against her rapist, she scratched him with a comb. The black girl had to kill him.
17. Really? 20 men can’t break down a door held together by a paddle?
18. Why was the black man able to become un-hypnotized? Are they saying that black men can be influenced by white men, but it takes a white feminist to pull him out?
19. That girl Marty, the unbelievably beautiful model type college student, her boyfriend Nate was super cool. He was their errand boy and f**king handyman, and the second he disagreed with her friend, Marty kicked him out the house. What in the f**k.
20. Then he returned to apologize and kept talking loud as f**k! So loud, so unnecessarily loud.
21. When their friend was first missing, she went to the cops, the cops did nothing. When she was raped, she went to the cops, they did nothing. So why in the f**k is the plan to go downstairs and get your phones so we can call the cops?
22. Big a** college, one cop. One f**king cop?
23. Why did her face drop like that, at the end?
24. Imagine protesting to get a bust of a racist, sexist, insane man removed, yet remaining at the college, and steadily paying them tuition.
25. So, it’s winter break. They still have another semester. Do they get automatic 4.0’s because like 80% of their sorority was murdered? Or do they fail because they killed their professor?
Professor Gelson: It’s been my privilege to teach you this semester. Enjoy your winter breaks, and Merry Christmas.