Crazy Stupid Love Quotes

(Page 2)

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[drinking at their usual bar with Cal looking more confident after taking many women home following Jacob’s teachings]
Cal Weaver: I have never experienced that before in my life.
Jacob Palmer: But great.
Cal Weaver: Most women are like that these days?
Jacob Palmer: God bless technology.
Cal Weaver: God bless it!
Jacob Palmer: Dude, I went home with this girl the other night, she was like cackling me the whole time we were…I felt like was, you know, doing it with the tool guides from the Muppet Show.


[Liz calls Hannah as she spots Jacob in the bar]
Liz: Hey, hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here.
Hannah: Liz, I’m studying.
Liz: You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom, is what you should studying.


[on the phone with Liz trying to persuade Hannah to sleep with Jacob]
Liz: Come on, take a break! It will be good for you to get out. And by get out, I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God.
Hannah: What is wrong with you?
Liz: You should be studying the gentle curve of his cock.
Hannah: Okay! Goodbye, Liz.
[she hangs on Liz]
Liz: Is that too much? Hello?


Claire Riley: I just thought you’d wanna know what I heard about your pal, Cal.
Jessica: What about Mr. Weaver, mom?
Claire Riley: Um…just apparently, Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies man.
Jessica: What?
Bernie Riley: Claire! Stop.
Claire Riley: She should know, she babysits for him. She’s almost an adult.
[to Jessica]
Claire Riley: Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
Bernie Riley: Claire, she’s too young for this. I don’t like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S.
Claire Riley: Sweetheart, first of all they can spell. Second of all, I’m just saying I thing we were right in choosing Emily.


[at school Jessica follows the resident bad girl to ask her some advice]
Madison: Are you following me?
Jessica: Madison, uh…I just had a question for you.
Madison: Okay, Jessica. What’s up?
Jessica: It’s kind of on the personal side.
Madison: Yep, my lips are…
[she makes a noise like a seal and Jessica looks at her not understanding]
Madison: Seals! My lips are seals.


Jessica: So my question, and I don’t mean to be blunt or insulting, but let’s just call it what it is. You’re always sleeping with older guys, right?
Madison: Always.
Jessica: Oh, um…so my question for you, Madison, is um…how do you do that? I mean like, how do you get them to see you as just not a kid in high school, you know, but like as someone who’s mature and old?
Madison: First off, I have a huge rack.
Jessica: Uh…yes, you do.
Madison: You don’t have a huge rack.
Jessica: No.
Madison: Wait, how old is he?
Jessica: Old.
Madison: Like really old?
Jessica: Like married old.
Madison: Nasty, Jessica!
Jessica: Exactly, that’s what I was thinking, right?
Madison: Rock on!
Jessica: Thank you.
Madison: You are so dirty!
Jessica: Yes, I know.


[giving Jessica advice on how to look older so as to attract older men]
Madison: You gotta force his hand. You know what I mean? Go teensy on his ass.
Jessica: Not following.
Madison: A dirty picture.
Jessica: Oh! Oh!
Madison: Make this face.
[she does a provocative looking face]
Jessica: Jeez, Madison! Stop!
Madison: What? You put that on his radar and he won’t see you as a little girl anymore, that’s for sure.


[at school lunch Jessica and all the other kids see a giant scaffold covered by red drapes, suddenly the drapes drop to reveal Robbie]
Robbie Weaver: Behold! Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate. The love of my life. I have marked myself with a scarlet J.
[he opens his shirt to reveal a large scarlet letter J written on his chest]
Robbie Weaver: For you, Jessica!
[all the kids start laughing and Jessica gets angry and embarrassed]
Jessica: Robbie, get down from there!



Jessica: This has got to stop, Robbie!
Robbie Weaver: You’ll learn to love me, I promise!
Jessica: No, I won’t.
Robbie Weaver: Just cause I’m four years younger than you?
Jessica: Because I love somebody else!
Robbie Weaver: Who is he?
Jessica: He’s older. And I didn’t want my parents find out.
Robbie Weaver: You know I’ll kill him if he hurts you.
Jessica: Yeah, I know. Okay, Robbie, this has to stop. Okay? No more. Grow up. I’ll see you around.


Cal Weaver: What’s with all the moping?
Robbie Weaver: Uh…nothing. It’s just…there’s a girl.
Cal Weaver: A girl, huh? You like her?
Robbie Weaver: I like Pringles. I mean, this girl, she is incredible. She’s my soul mate, you know? She doesn’t even care.
Cal Weaver: But she’s your soul mate, right?
Robbie Weaver: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: So, you just don’t give up on her, right?
Robbie Weaver: Why not? You did.
Cal Weaver: I didn’t give up. Okay? It’s more complicated than that. It…I’m a different guy now.
Robbie Weaver: You’re not a different guy, you just have different clothes.
Cal Weaver: It’s not that simple, kiddo.
Robbie Weaver: What kind of crap is that?
Cal Weaver: Watch it!
Robbie Weaver: Either you love her or you don’t, and I know you do. I’m serious, dad. I just need some inspiration right now. Right? Go get her back.
Cal Weaver: Wow! How old are you?


[at the parent teacher conference, Emily sees Cal for the first since his new found confidence]
Emily Weaver: Wow! You look great, Cal.
Cal Weaver: Oh. Well, it turns out I’ve been buying the wrong sized suite for like twenty years.
Emily Weaver: Oh, well. Whatever, you um…you look great.
Cal Weaver: Thanks. You always look great.
Emily Weaver: Oh, thanks.


Cal Weaver: What teacher is this?
Emily Weaver: Miss Tafferty. She’s the one he pulled the ‘Scarlet Letter asshole’ routine on.
Cal Weaver: Mm-hmm. God, such a weird kid.
Emily Weaver: I kind of like him though.
Cal Weaver: Hmm. Yeah, me too. I’m glad we switched babies at the hospital.
Emily Weaver: Me too. That other one’s in jail probably.


Cal Weaver: I miss you, Em. I made an effort when we were younger, didn’t I? I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer.
Emily Weaver: I had to be, you were such a good miniature golfer.
Cal Weaver: I just, I don’t know, I guess I got lazy. I got…I got boring, is what I got.
Emily Weaver: No. No.
Cal Weaver: And I’m so mad at you. I’m really mad at you for what you did. But I’m mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of the car, I should have fought for you. Cause you fight for your soul mates. At least that’s what my thirteen year old son tells me.
Emily Weaver: He’s a really strange kid.
Cal Weaver: He scares the shit out of me.
Emily Weaver: I miss you too.


[after it turns out that Miss Tafferty is in fact Kate, the first woman Cal picked up in the bar and never called back]
Kate: As you know, Robbie’s shining moment was when he set a school record for cursing in eighth grade English class.
[she laughs and writes the word asshole on the blackboard]
Kate: Asshole! You’re familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver?
Emily Weaver: Yes, I am. And I’ve spoken to the principal about..
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who tells a woman that he’ll call and never does!
[she looks straight at Cal whilst saying this]
Cal Weaver: Mmm.crazy-stupid-love-10
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him, but he’s actually full of shit, like the rest of them!
[whispering to Cal]
Emily Weaver: Oh, this is not about Robbie.
Kate: Asshole, as in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for forty five minutes, because he’s nervous!
Emily Weaver: Ew! Ew!
Cal Weaver: Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! You know what? You know what? No. Here’s the deal.
[he pulls in closer to Emily and whispers]
Cal Weaver: She’s an alcoholic.
[on hearing this Kate screams and Cal and Emily quickly leave the classroom]


[as they walk to the school parking lot]
Cal Weaver: I did. I slept with our son’s eight grade English teacher.
Emily Weaver: I know. I know. And I…I cheated! So I have no right to be angry.
Cal Weaver: That’s not the point. When we were first married, you were the only woman that I had ever slept with. And now I have had sex with nine different women. God!
Emily Weaver: Nine!
Cal Weaver: That…
Emily Weaver: Nine! Wow! You showed me!
Cal Weaver: I wasn’t trying to show you. I was trying to move on. But I don’t want to. You’ve always been the only one.
[suddenly we see all the parents along with Kate who’ve been listening to their argument]
Kate: Tell her she’s the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!
Emily Weaver: You said that to her?
Cal Weaver: I did, yes.
Emily Weaver: Who are you?
[Emily walks off and gets into her car]
Cal Weaver: I’m your soul mate.
[as Emily drives off it starts to rain]
Cal Weaver: What a cliché.


[celebrating Hannah passing her bar exam, Richard makes a toast]
Richard: Now Hannah, I uh…I did tell you that tonight would be a special night, if you pass the bar. So Hannah, I would like to formally ask you, in front of all our friends and colleagues, if you would like to become a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkin, Goldberg and Schmidt? How about that? To you?
[everyone claps whilst Hannah looks disappointed thinking that he was going to propose to her]
Richard: What?
Hannah: I jus…um…crazy-stupid-love-12
Richard: Well, what is it?
Hannah: I thought that you were gonna propose, for some reason.
Richard: What?
Hannah: Yeah, I know. I’m just…it…it’s just I’m a little thrown.
Richard: I’m sorry. I…I didn’t realize that you thought, that we were there.
Hannah: Oh, no! God, no! Don’t be silly. I just…I’m um…
Richard: I need some time, I think, to figure out how I feel about us. You know? Long term.
Hannah: You need some time? You need some time to figure out how you feel about us?


[to Richard after flipping out at the fact that he has to think about their relationship]
Hannah: Wow! You know what? Thank you, Richard. Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it.
[she storms out of the restaurant]


[after storming out into the rain from her celebration party Hannah goes back to where she met Jacob, she finds him and kisses him passionately]
Hannah: Do you remember me?crazy-stupid-love-13
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Still find me attractive?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: Still wanna take me home?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[she kisses him again]
Hannah: Let’s go.


[at Jacobs house after leaving the bar with him]
Hannah: So, is this how it normally works?
Jacob Palmer: What?
Hannah: You know, you like put on the perfect song and you make them a drink. And then you sleep together.
Jacob Palmer: Um…yeah.
Hannah: I’m very nervous.
Jacob Palmer: I’m getting that.
Hannah: Okay. Cause I know I seemed confident back at the bar, but that was um…that was mostly just because I was cold and wet and trying to be dramatic, a little bit.
Jacob Palmer: You’re adorable.
Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG thirteen version of tonight. Alright, I know. It’s that I get…I get really drunk and I pass out and you cover me with a blanket and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that’s not why I’m here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Jacob.
Jacob Palmer: Are people still saying bang?
Hannah: Oh, I do. We’re gonna bang! Hmm? This is happening.


Hannah: Take off your shirt.
Jacob Palmer: Why?
Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt? Cause I can’t stop thinking. I need you to just…
Jacob Palmer: Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hannah: Alright!
[he takes off his shirt and just stands in front of her awkwardly]
Hannah: Fuck! Seriously? It’s like you’re photoshopped! Can I…
[she walks towards him and touches his stomach]
Jacob Palmer: You have cold hands. And I need you take off your dress.
Hannah: No!
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Hannah: No way! Not with all that goin’ on. No, thank you! Is there a dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God!


Hannah: Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now, like logistically? What’s your move?
Jacob Palmer: What do you mean, what’s my move?
Hannah: What’s your move? What’s your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I got lots of moves.
Hannah: What’s your big move?
Jacob Palmer: I’m not telling you my big move.
Hannah: Telling me your move!
Jacob Palmer: You’re not ready for the big move.
Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move!
Jacob Palmer: You can’t handle the big move, trust me.
Hannah: Tell me your big move!
Jacob Palmer: I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
Hannah: Dirty Dancing?
Jacob Palmer: Can I sit down, please?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: Can I put back on my shirt?
Hannah: No.


Hannah: Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
Jacob Palmer: You know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing, where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
Hannah: Yeah.
Jacob Palmer: I can do that.
Hannah: Okay.
Jacob Palmer: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song, Time of your Life, I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.
Hannah: [laughing] Oh, my God! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Jacob Palmer: I agree. But it works every time.
Hannah: That would not work on me!


[with the song Time of your Life playing, Jacob tries to re-enact the Dirty Dance scene with Hannah]
Hannah: Oh, God! This is ridiculous! I don’t wanna do it.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: This is beyond ridiculous.
Jacob Palmer: Come on and jump.
Hannah: No.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: No, thank you.
Jacob Palmer: Come on.
Hannah: Thank God I’m drunk. Here we go!
[she runs and jumps into Jacobs arms where he catches her like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing and then brings her down gently]
Hannah: So, do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
Jacob Palmer: The bedroom is preferred.
Hannah: Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. Let’s go there.


[as they are kissing on Jacob’s bed]
Hannah: This pillow forms perfectly to the shape of my head.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
[Jacob continues to kiss her but she pulls back again]
Hannah: Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone?
[Jacob gets frustrated with her and sighs]
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: Yeah? I always wondered who actually buys them! The hot guy from the bar buys them! Of course!
Jacob Palmer: Jacob.
Hannah: Mm-hmm. Jacob. Sorry for that.
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: I’m sorry, continue.
[Jacob resumes kissing her]


[as Jacob resumes to kiss her Hannah pulls back again]
Hannah: You don’t have one of those ridiculous um…those massage chairs, do you?
[Jacob hesitates in answering]
Hannah: [laughing] You do?
Jacob Palmer: No.
Hannah: Yes, you do!
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, I do.
[Hannah laughs hard]
Hannah: Oh, my God!
Jacob Palmer: I don’t! I don’t! I do! Who’d have that? I would! I have that.
Hannah: How much was it?
Jacob Palmer: Five thousand dollars
[this makes Hannah laugh even harder]
Jacob Palmer: Ask me how many times I’ve used it?
Hannah: How many times have you used it?
Jacob Palmer: Twice.
[laughing harder]
Hannah: That’s twenty five hundred dollars a message.
Jacob Palmer: Twice!
Hannah: Where is it?
Jacob Palmer: It’s in the garage.
Hannah: Can I sit in the message chair?
[next shot is of Hannah sitting in the massage chair in Jacob garage]
Hannah: I hate it!


Jacob Palmer: The Home Shopping Network, I mean I’m addi…I buy…I buy…I’m just the worst!
Hannah: Do you have a Slap Jack?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
Hannah: Do you have the knife that cuts through the penny?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
[Hannah laughs hard]crazy-stupid-love-15
Hannah: What else do you have?
Jacob Palmer: Coin Bears.
Hannah: Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Hannah: You don’t have Coin Bear?
Jacob Palmer: I have a whole set of Coin Bears from each date.
Hannah: You have fifty Coin Bears?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah, they all have a rare coin in their foot.
Hannah: You stay up nights?
Jacob Palmer: I am wildly unhappy
[they both laugh]
Jacob Palmer: I’m trying to buy it and it’s not working.


[after they’ve been talking and laughing for hours lying in Jacobs bed and drinking]
Jacob Palmer: Could you do me a favor?
Hannah: What?
Jacob Palmer: Will you do me a kindness?
Hannah: Mmm.
Jacob Palmer: Will you ask me something personal about myself?
Hannah: Mmm. Okay, fine. I’ll do it. And then we bang?
Jacob Palmer: Yes!
Hannah: What’s your mother like?
Jacob Palmer: My mom, is very beautiful. Um…very vain, very smart, cold.
Hannah: And your dad?
Jacob Palmer: Um…he died a long time ago. He was such a sweet guy, he was probably too sweet. Very successful in business. He left me a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff. But he was soft. Just too soft, too…too sensitive and uh…you know he couldn’t really handle my mother.
[they continue talking for hours, Jacob finally falls asleep and Hannah pulls the cover over them and kisses Jacob and falls asleep next to him]


[not seeing Jacob at their usual bar Cal leaves a voice message for Jacob]
Cal Weaver: Hey, Jacob, it’s Cal. Where are ya? Remember that first woman I picked up? That teacher? Well, I have a story to tell you. Call me.


Page   <<      1   2
Total Quotes: 110



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