Due Date Quotes(Page 2)
Page 1 2
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I’m terribly sorry.
Peter Highman: Are you? Look, Sonny’s all banged up, I’m a wreck. You don’t have scratch, do you?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, the doctor said I was in such a deep sleep that I didn’t tense up. I told you I was a deep sleeper.
Peter Highman: Yeah, you did. Did the doctor say that it’s not medically advisable to fall asleep while you’re driving?
Ethan Tremblay: I was just trying to rest my eyes for a few seconds. But seriously next time try not to tense up.
[as Peter’s friend comes to pick him from the hospital, he stops Ethan from coming with him]
Peter Highman: No not us, just me. We’re done and by the way it’s been a fucking pleasure. But just so my conscious is clear, let me let you know why you’re not coming with us, okay. It’s not because you got me kicked off a plane and shot by an Air Marshal. It’s not because you stood idly by as I had my ass handed to me by a handicapped mobility. I’m certainly not leaving you here because you almost got me killed during the most important week of my life. I am leaving here for a far more fundamental reason; I despise who you are on a cellular level!
Ethan Tremblay: Okay, I’ve heard that before and I’m trying to work on it, okay.
Peter Highman: Now hear this, beware, I’m warning you, don’t go to Hollywood. The streets are not paved with gold, they’re paved with the carcasses of fucking imbeciles like you who think they’re gonna go there and make it. Pray you avoid it. Did you get that? That was Shakespeare, heard of him?
Ethan Tremblay: Yes, I’ve heard of him. He’s a famous pirate. By the way it’s ‘Shakesbeard’.
Peter Highman: Let me give you a little bit of friendly advice, nobody who calls themselves Hollywood has ever made it in Hollywood!
Ethan Tremblay: That one I’ve never heard before.
[as he’s about to leave Peter looks at Ethan’s dog, Sonny]
Peter Highman: Sonny, you will be sorely missed, you little bat-faced piece of shit!
[he then spits on Sonny]
Ethan Tremblay: [outraged] I have never!
Peter Highman: Well, get used to it.
Ethan Tremblay: In all of my twenty three years!
Peter Highman: First of all, I’m sorry that I spat on Sonny. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. Now, if you’re gonna travel with me to Los Angeles I gotta a key couple of guidelines. Number one; if you ask me a single question I’m going to flip out on you, so don’t do that. Do you understand?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat, yes.
Peter Highman: Number two; if you fall asleep for any reason other than the fact than you’re in a bed and it’s night time, I will disembowel you. Make sense?
Ethan Tremblay: Somewhat.
Peter Highman: Great. Three; if you’re allergic to waffles, don’t eat waffles.
Ethan Tremblay: Then don’t take me to a waffle house!
[as Peter gives Ethan permission to ride with him and Darryl]
Ethan Tremblay: Hold Sonny.
Peter Highman: Hand me that dog I will rip it in half!
Ethan Tremblay: You better change yourself before you wreck yourself.
Ethan Tremblay: What is going on?
Peter Highman: What are you talking about?
Ethan Tremblay: What’s going on? What’s with all these stories he has about your wife? They used to date in college?
Peter Highman: It’s like twenty years ago.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, but come on. You don’t see it? This guy’s been living as a football player, he’s handsome, he’s charming.
Peter Highman: You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ethan Tremblay: He has beautiful hands. Have you seen his hands? I think there’s still something going on here.
Ethan Tremblay: You and is wife exchange emails?
Ethan Tremblay: What else do you exchange?
Peter Highman: Ethan.
Ethan Tremblay: Body fluids?
Darryl: What is he talkin’ about?
Peter Highman: I don’t even listen to him.
Ethan Tremblay: Did you ejaculate?
Ethan Tremblay: It’s when your urine turns white.
[taking a sip of the coffee that Darryl has brought for them]
Peter Highman: Okay, new rule, you can’t say a…fucking word.
[puts his coffee cup down]
Peter Highman: This is horrible, tastes like cat litter.
Ethan Tremblay: I think it tastes delicious.
Darryl: You should. I was all out so I used the coffee that you guys brought.
[as Ethan takes a sip of his coffee he starts to choke]
Peter Highman: Oh, boy! That’s his dad. His dad.
Darryl: Fine. I’ll buy some new coffee. I apologize.
Peter Highman: No, no, no, no! His dad is the coffee. He passed away and his remains were in the fucking coffee can!
[as Darryl hears this he spits out the coffee from his mouth]
Darryl: [angrily] Get him the fuck out! The beard, the dog. Get him out!
Peter Highman: I get it.
Darryl: Get him out!
Peter Highman: I know. Eight minutes, right?
[after leaving Darryl’s place]
Peter Highman: I’m sorry we drank your father.
Ethan Tremblay: That’s okay.
Peter Highman: Are you all right? Are you sure?
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, there’s plenty of him still in here. Darryl, he made three cups of coffee, I think there’s about eight cups of my dad left in here.
Peter Highman: Great.
[referring to his dad]
Ethan Tremblay: At least he tasted good.
Peter Highman: Not bad. Yeah, strong. It was uh…full flavored, robust blend.
Ethan Tremblay: He really enjoyed coffee and in the end he was enjoyed as coffee. Circle of life.
Peter Highman: Lion King. All that.
Ethan Tremblay: You think Darryl slept with your wife?
Peter Highman: No.
Ethan Tremblay: I do, I mean why would he lend you this fairy fancy car and give you all that walking around money, it’s..?
Peter Highman: Because he’s my friend, that’s why.
Ethan Tremblay: Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo?
Peter Highman: I have a question for you. How did those three questions come into your head?
Ethan Tremblay: I was thinking about your wife and Darryl, and Darryl getting your wife pregnant, thinking about what their baby would like and maybe it would look like a zebra baby. And then I thought, well I’ve never seen a zebra and I thought, well I should maybe go to the San Diego Zoo when we get to California.
Peter Highman: No, I’ve never been to the zoo. Next question, please.
Peter Highman: Unfortunately, I need you to drive. I can’t because I’m on Vicodin, I’m not supposed to operate heavy machinery. I will tell you this, if you blink, if you even look like you might be dozing, let alone fall asleep, I’m gonna put my hands on you and choke you out with your own scarf. Wrap that thing around your neck and choke you the fuck out. I promise.
Ethan Tremblay: Seems a bit drastic.
[after Ethan has got them stoned in the car]
Peter Highman: How do you know so much about this?
Ethan Tremblay: I write a fan site for the show. It’s not official, but I run a fan site for about six years. Started in an internet cafe, I used to go in there and wash my feet.
Peter Highman: What was the site called?
Ethan Tremblay: It’s raining Two and a Half Men dot com.
Peter Highman: Wow! That is sublime. Can I detract every derogatory statement I’ve ever made about you.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you, Peter. That’s very sweet.
Peter Highman: This looks like a border crossing, it says Mexico.
Ethan Tremblay: Oh, lord! Gosh!
Peter Highman: What?
Ethan Tremblay: I thought that said Texaco. We’re low on gas. Okay, we’re fine. We’re…we’re good.
Peter Highman: What are you gonna do? What are you gonna tell ’em?
Ethan Tremblay: All I’m gonna do is go up here and say; look we made a mistake and we’re gonna ask to turn around and back to the United States.
Peter Highman: Perfect.
Border Security Guard: What’s wrong with your friend?
[a stoned Peter is playing with the passenger car window]
Ethan Tremblay: I…Peter, don’t do that.
Border Security Guard: Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
Ethan Tremblay: No, I have glycoma.
Border Security Guard: What about your friend? Does he have glycoma too?
[Ethan turns to Peter]
Ethan Tremblay: Answer the man. Do you have glycoma too?
[Peter shakes his head]
Ethan Tremblay: No, he doesn’t have glycoma.
Border Security Guard: What about the dog? Does he have glycoma? Cause his eyes are glassy as fuck.
Border Security Guard: Stop the car, give me the keys please.
[after Ethan has abandoned Peter at the Mexican border]
Border Security Guard: I told you, I took the wrong exit and wound up here by mistake. No matter how many times you ask me that’s going to be my answer.
Peter Highman: You sound like Jason Bourne, man. You don’t know where you’re going, no ID.
Federali Agent: You Americano’s sneak into our country, bring drugs, party. You sleep with our women.
Peter Highman: I’ve never heard of an American sneaking into Mexico. This would be an isolated incident. Actually it’s usually the reverse.
[after Ethan has broken Peter out of the Mexican border]
Peter Highman: How many laws did we just break?
Ethan Tremblay: I don’t know, sixty?
Peter Highman: I had no idea where I was going. Then I see you, remember when we jackknifed together? But you didn’t look like you.
Ethan Tremblay: We locked eyes, I know that.
Peter Highman: God, you looked crazy!
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. Well, I was in stealth mode. Still got the scarf on my head and everything.
Peter Highman: You were like a fucking commando! You were a Comanche warrior.
Ethan Tremblay: Thanks.
Peter Highman: It was the greatest ever.
Ethan Tremblay: Thank you.
Peter Highman: Rescue. A daring rescue. You came back for me.
Ethan Tremblay: Of course I did.
Peter Highman: That’s so great.
Ethan Tremblay: Yeah, I made you a promise. I told you I was going to get you home safe. I’m getting you home safe, okay.
Peter Highman: I’m gonna kiss you.
Ethan Tremblay: What?
Peter Highman: I’m going to give you a smooch.
Ethan Tremblay: No.
Peter Highman: Dude, come on?
Ethan Tremblay: No way!
Peter Highman: I’m going to give you a little smooch.
Ethan Tremblay: Stop, Peter! I’m driving!
Peter Highman: Come on.
[Peter kisses Ethan on his arm]
Ethan Tremblay: Sick!
Peter Highman: You go it.
Ethan Tremblay: My gosh! Everything’s up and down with you, roller coast.
Peter Highman: I owe you big time. There’s no fucking way I’d seen my kid if you hadn’t done that. There’s no way. I love you, dude.
Ethan Tremblay: I love you too, Peter.
[looking over at the Grand Canyon]
Peter Highman: I’m tellin’ you, I wouldn’t make it up.
Ethan Tremblay: I could have sworn I read it was man made.
Peter Highman: Nope, nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I have a photogenic memory…
Peter Highman: Ethan…
Ethan Tremblay: I can recall…
Peter Highman: Ethan, I promise you. It’s…It’s old, it’s the Grand Canyon. It’s not the Hoover Dam.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, I know it’s not the Hoover Dam. It was built by the pilgrims.
Peter Highman: Also incorrect.
Ethan Tremblay: Let’s stick with the plan, you know.
Peter Highman: But I thought this was part of the plan. What am I missin’? Ethan? What’s really goin’ on? Because when I said the Grand Canyon wasn’t on the way, you said ‘Too bad, it would have been perfect.’ And when I said we already passed the Mississippi River, you said ‘Too bad, dad loved titties and jazz.’
Ethan Tremblay: It’s just…just, you know, we got stuff to do and I don’t want to step on it.
Peter Highman: I know it’s hard to say goodbye. And I didn’t know your dad, but from what you’ve told me he was a great father. He was a cool guy. I’m just saying, this gesture, if you got it in you. He deserves a grand gesture.
You May Also Like: