Starring: Owen Wilson, Ed Helms, Glenn Close, J. K. Simmons, Ving Rhames, Christopher Walken, Katt Williams, Terry Bradshaw, June Squibb, Kate Aselton
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Comedy directed by Lawrence Sher which centers on Kyle and Peter Reynolds (Owen Wilson and Ed Helms), two brothers whose eccentric mother (Glenn Close) raised them to believe their father had died when they were young. When reveals she doesn’t know who their real dad is, the brothers set out to find the truth about their past, to find their real father and learning more about their mother than they probably ever wanted to know.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 22)
Kyle: [voice over] there are over 70 million fathers in the US, inventive fathers, athletic, brave, but not everyone knows who their father is. For 40 years we thought we did, until today.
Peter: [to Kyle] Look at this poor guy, we’re not picking up a hitchhiker. He could very easily be a serial killer, and I don’t want to be late to mom’s wedding.
Helen: I wasn’t sure who your father was.
Peter: How does that work?
Helen: It was the crazy ‘70’s. everybody was high and fucking.
Gene: So much fucking.
Helen: Monogamy wasn’t exactly a priority.
Kyle: I’ve always wondered where I got my zest for lovemaking, now we know.
Helen: I probably should have told you a long time ago, I made up all those stories about your father.
Peter: Okay, what?
Helen: That he died of colon cancer. I’m not sure who your father was.
Peter: I’ve spent my whole life trying to honor his memory. This means I stare at assholes for a living because of a fictional man’s colon cancer.
Kyle: Could you pivot into plastic surgery or something less butt related?
Peter: [to Kyle] Our father been out there this whole time.
Peter: He’s out there. I’m going to find dad.
Kyle: Let’s do it.
Kyle: [to Peter] Operation “who’s your daddy”, the top mission is finding dad. Submission is going to be having stone crabs, the mission below that getting you laid.
[looking at an old photo of his mom]
Peter: Mom actually dated Terry Bradshaw?
[showing him an old photo of his mom]
Peter: Do you remember a woman named Helen Baxter?
Terry Bradshaw: Talk about a blast from the past. She had the tightest ass you’ve ever seen, and a set of tits. She really knew how to use them, if you know what I mean. She had a mouth, I mean that tongue almost cost us the Super Bowl.
[Peter and Kyle looked horrified]
Peter: She’s our mom.
Terry Bradshaw: Does the name Helen Baxter ring a bell?
Rod Hamilton: It does more than ring a bell. I think I just came in my pants.
Terry Bradshaw: No, Rod…
Rod Hamilton: Damn, man, that woman could fuck. She was like a dick whisperer. What makes you think about Helen Baxter?
Peter: She’s our mom.
Rod Hamilton: All we did was cuddle.
[on the phone to his mom]
Peter: Who’s Roland Hunt?
Helen: [to Peter] Why don’t you just stop this foolishness. Who your father is or isn’t is totally irrelevant.
Roland Hunt: You guys are Lynn Baxter’s kids? So what are you doing here?
Kyle: We think we’re your sons. You’re our dad.
Roland Hunt: What are you doing here?
Kyle: We think we’re your sons.
Roland Hunt: Excuse me for a minute.
[they hear Roland shouting from the other room]
Roland Hunt: There is no fucking way those two jackasses are my kids! They look like a couple of dickheads!
Kyle: [to Peter] He runs hot, just like you.
Roland Hunt: They don’t even fucking look like me!
Sarah: It sounds like you had an awful day.
Peter: And yet, an amazing day.
Peter: Go, go, go!
[as Kyle goes to quickly back out of the drive he hits someone]
Kyle: What was that?
Peter: I think it was a person.
Kyle: The universe has a tendency to point you in the right direction.
[referring to the hitchhiker holding up a sign asking for a ride]
Kyle: Give the man a ride.
Peter: He could easily be a serial killer.
[they stop to pick up the hitchhiker]
Hitchhiker: Hey, fellas.
Kyle: We got a nervous Nelly here, so this is going to sound like a funny question, but are you a serial killer?
Hitchhiker: I am not a serial killer.
Kyle: You just emphasized the word “serial” like, “I’m a killer, but I’m not a serial killer.”
Hitchhiker: Well that was totally unintentional.
Kyle: You’re still not saying, “I promise I’m not a killer.” We can give you a ride, but…
[we see the hitchhiker is sat in the back of their car and he’s been tied up]
Kyle: Those aren’t too tight, are they?
[he extends his tied hands forward]
Hitchhiker: Almost kill you, can’t kill you.
[Peter suddenly stops the car in the middle of a train track]
Peter: We almost got killed!
Kyle: No, we just had one of the best adventures of our lives!
Peter: No, we didn’t!
[Peter punches Kyle in the face and Kyle hits back]
Hitchhiker: Hey, guys, my Negro spider senses is tingling.
[we hear a train hooting as Peter and Kyle continue to hit each other]
Hitchhiker: It’s not the soul train, guys. Motherfuckers, it’s a motherfucking train coming!
[last line; answering a call from the universe]
The Universe: Hi, it’s me. The Universe. Remember, life is not a race. It’s the journey that counts. Okay? I love you. By the way, the Illuminati is real.
Total Quotes: 21
Have you seen Father Figures?! What are your favorite quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.