By Adam Christ (Maine)
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Take it as you will…
My gracious goodness, thank the Lord for this blessing of a film. Our Lord and savior has blessed us with this magnificent of a film. I am so blessed to be blessed with this motion-picture. It also has one of the best messages I’ve ever seen in a movie, which I will talk about more towards the end of this review.
The plot: Marlin, a clownfish, is afraid of the ocean after a traumatic incident where a barracuda ate his family (may their souls rest peacefully in heaven – unless one of the baby fish was going to turn into a gay). Due to the tragic incident, Marlin doesn’t let his only child, Nemo, get out of the house as he fears that something bad will happen to him if he goes out into the ocean. However, when Marlin finally allows him to go to school, Nemo gets kidnapped (fishnapped, if you will) by some divers and is put in a fish tank at a dentist waiting room. Marlin then starts his journey across the ocean to find his son.
Now I am warning all parents that there is material in this movie that may disturb your children. I can’t believe that Pixar, a studio meant for families, would have a character played by a lesbian actress. Obviously, the children should not be even looking at said character. So what I did with my children, Moses and Eve, is fast-forward through any scene with that character. Yes, they will be confused, but it’s all in the name of not corrupting our children’s beautiful souls. Marlin encounters sharks, jellyfish, sea turtles, fish, and even more fish. In the end, Marlin reunites with his son and they all live happily ever after.
Now many individuals are confused as to what the moral or message of this movie is. Even though it’s been 16 years since its release people still don’t quite understand what this movie really means. But my friends, I have finally cracked it. The moral is that you need to pray more. Let me explain: Marlin wouldn’t have had to of traveled so far in order to get his son back had he just prayed to our Lord and savior and asked him for his son to return. The Lord would have listened to his prayers. So really, the movie should’ve been where Marlin stays home and prays, then at the end his son comes back. That’s right: 90 minutes of Marlin just praying. I mean what benefit would he have by swimming across the whole ocean? Absolutely nothing, my friends. Of course, in this version, the lesbian blue tang would have been eaten and burned in hell.
Also, I have good reason to believe that the character of Nemo is based on our very Lord and savior: Jesus Christ. The finale consists of him helping some fish get off a fishing net. Our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, would have done the same thing and helped the poor fish. Same goes for Marlin: he is also like our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, as he swims across the ocean to find his son. This is what our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, would’ve done. This movie goes deep, my friends.
Thank you all for reading. And may the Lord forgive you of your sins.