FUBAR Best Quotes on Netflix (TV Series)

Barry: We’ll be roasting marshmallows in five, four, tres, dos, uno. Missile, one. Human trafficker, zero.

Uwe: You came alone. What was the plan?
Luke Brunner: To get the coordinates, kill all of you, and then leave.
Barry: [over earpiece] Why would you tell them that?
Uwe: And now, with all our guns out?
Luke Brunner: I guess I’ll take the pill, and get it over with.
Uwe: This will be fun.

Uwe: [after Luke takes the cyanide pill] Nothing’s happening.
Luke Brunner: Come to think of it, I might have taken the antidote.

Luke Brunner: Corn’s on the cob.
Barry: Candy’s on the cane. Now get on home. We got to lock down this ice cream cake thing.
Luke Brunner: So, I guess I’m done. That’s it, and that’s all.

Oscar: It’s pronounced “MyAisles”. “My” and “aisles” pushed together. Any supermarket, any city, the MyAisles app will tell you the aisle the item you’re looking for is in.
Luke Brunner: But don’t the signs that hang from the ceiling do that?

Luke Brunner: No one wants to lift heavy weights anymore. Everyone wants to go biking with their digital friends.

Carter: [referring to Emma] They should call her the aqueduct. Because she delivers the water.

Barry: This cake is bulls**t.

Aldon: [to Luke] So how are you going to spend your golden years, huh? Lots of mall walking?
Roo: Learning the Facebook?
Aldon: Getting vaccinated for pneumococcal pneumonia?
Roo: Wilford Brimley Film Festival.
Aldon: Are you going to campaign for Grover Cleveland?

Luke Brunner: Tally and I, we’ve talked about sailing around the world together for ages. Now since I’m retired, what’s going to stop us?
Roo: Fifteen year-old divorce papers?
Aldon: She doesn’t love you anymore?

Luke Brunner: I’ve been waiting for a decade and a half to win my wife back. Tally and I, we’re going to make love deckside before the summer is over.
Roo: I will never step foot on that boat.
Luke Brunner: It’s not a boat. It’s a ship.

Aldon: [referring to Luke] That man survived a Russian mob hit, but that Tally plan is going to kill him.
Roo: And if it does, I’m totally going after his ex.
Aldon: Same.

Barry: Hey, pal. I am a hundred percent Team Luke. Screw Team Donnie. I promise your ship will be waiting for you when you get back, and Operation Life with Wife is a go.
Luke Brunner: What’s Team Donnie?
Barry: What? Oh. I didn’t say that.
Luke Brunner: I have a thousand ways to wreck your life, and you wouldn’t even know it was me.

Barry: That’s Cain Khan, Boro’s number two. Be careful, he’s tough.
Aldon: He doesn’t look that tough. He clearly waxes his eyebrows. Real men tweeze.
Barry: No messing around.
Aldon: I’m not. B Team’s job is to observe and report. I am observing a physical characteristic of a target.
Roo: And I’m reporting he looks fabulous. Like a Latino Zac Efron.

Barry: You can do Euclidean geometry, but you can’t figure out it’s not time to poke the bear.
Aldon: Do you consider yourself the bear?
Roo: Maybe like a baby bear.

Emma Brunner: You better be here to sell Boro a Bowflex.
Luke Brunner: Me? Where’s the irrigation system? Oh, and this is Colombia?

Roo: [to Barry] You knew Luke Brunner’s daughter was a spook, and you didn’t tell him? You know that YouTube video where a gorilla goes to town on a cantaloupe? You’re the cantaloupe.

Luke Brunner: My daughter’s in the CIA?

Emma Brunner: What the f***?!
Luke Brunner: Hey, watch your language. Lower your voice.
Emma Brunner: First, we are a quarter mile from the compound. Second, f***ity, f***, f***, a**hole, f***!
Aldon: I think she’s upset.
Roo: Dollar in the swear jar.

Luke Brunner: What the hell are you so mad about? I should be mad at you. You’ve been lying to me for the last decade. And you smoke.
Emma Brunner: A decade? You’ve been lying to me my whole life. That’s it, and that’s all.
Luke Brunner: She just “that’s it, and that’s all’d” me.

Barry: Luke, Emma often does what she wants when she wants, how she wants. And doesn’t always listen when she should.
Roo: Because she clearly has daddy issues.

Barry: My ulcers and intestinal issues? This is why.
Luke Brunner: Your intestinal issues is because you eat all the Sour Patch crap.

Roo: Christ, Barry, Boro makes Jim Jones like Jim Henson.
Barry: His profile did indicate some irrationality.
Aldon: He just opened up a man’s head after a Kool & the Gang song. His profile indicated that?
Barry: No. That was a surprise.

Barry: There are risks to rushing in.
Roo: There are risks to playing Little Miss Muffet too.

Barry: Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
Roo: That’s from Lilo & Stitch.
Barry: Kiss my a**.
Roo: Now, that’s from Frozen.

Luke Brunner: You should enter marriage before you…
Emma Brunner: What?
Luke Brunner: Nothing.
Emma Brunner: Do you think I’m a virgin?
Luke Brunner: Well, let me think what I want to think.
Emma Brunner: Oh, my God! I’m twenty-eight!

Luke Brunner: I’m sorry I cursed.
Emma Brunner: Dad, I don’t give a s**t.

Luke Brunner: I mean, is this how I raised you? Alcohol? Cigarettes? And a garish lipstick.
Emma Brunner: That’s not lipstick. Oh, my God.
Luke Brunner: It’s vibrating. My God.
Emma Brunner: Kill me now.

Luke Brunner: Top of a hill, there are two bulls that are looking down at a bunch of beautiful cows. The younger one says to the older one, “Why don’t we just run down and make love to one of them?” And the older one says, “Why don’t we just walk down and make love to all of them?” Know what it is about? It’s about not rushing into things.
Emma Brunner: Sounds like it’s about cow rape.

Luke Brunner: [beating up the thug, referring to Emma] That. Was. Her. Violin. Arm.
Luke Brunner: [as Emma looks at him] What?

Luke Brunner: He’s investing in my son’s stupid app? I mean, this guy is dumber than I thought he is.
Barry: He’s not dumb. He’s scoring brownie points from Mrs. B.

Luke Brunner: Well, he’s trying to use my son to cuckold me.
Barry: I don’t think it means what you think it means.
Luke Brunner: It comes from the cuckoo bird. When one bird takes over another bird’s family.
Barry: There are a thousand online videos that would definitely disagree with you.

Luke Brunner: I mean, he’s trying to replace me. He’s cuckolding the entire family.
Barry: Please stop saying that.

Carter: All that work for just that, three seconds.

Emma Brunner: This is my seat.
Luke Brunner: Since when?
Emma Brunner: Since every briefing I’ve ever had in this room.
Luke Brunner: Well, me too.
Roo: Take Your Daughter to Work Day is going well.

Luke Brunner: [referring to the chair] You just have to pump it up.
Emma Brunner: I am pumping it.
Luke Brunner: You have to pump it harder.
Roo: That’s what she said. That’s the name of my porno. That’s what I told my doctor.
Aldon: Monet had his watercolors, you have your double entendres.

Roo: I can’t believe we have to work with the NSA.
Aldon: NSA, Never Solve Anything.
Roo: Nerds Suck A**.
Barry: I don’t know. She seems okay.
Roo: Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the family again.

Luke Brunner: Now “Pfeiffer”, isn’t the correct German pronunciation Pfeffer?
Dr. Pfeffer: When my grandparents came over, they Americanized it.
Luke Brunner: Oh. Well, then in English, it would actually be called “Pepper”. So maybe you should be called Dr. Pepper.

Luke Brunner: Now, I’m not going to make jokes about your name, but we’re going to crush the therapy session.
Emma Brunner: Together, I think we can climb this mountain. Do you?
Dr. Pfeffer: I see what you’re doing. You’re inserting soda names into the conversation.
Luke Brunner: I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. You must be fanta-sizing.

Dr. Pfeffer: [referring to Luke and Emma] This will be difficult. They’re both d**kheads.

Emma Brunner: [to Luke] Kind of late in the day, isn’t it? So weird you need a table saw right now.
Barry: Actually, I need it. I am building a life-size Boba Fett lamp.

Barry: Oscar, how’s your app coming along?
Oscar: Great. Don’s investing. If you stay on the sidelines, you’re going to miss out.
Luke Brunner: Yeah. Bankruptcy.

Luke Brunner: Son of a b**ch is cuckolding my entire family. Now he’s using your stupid cupcakes to cuckold you too.
Barry: When you look that up online, you going to be really upset with yourself.

Dr. Pfeffer: I have a PhD from Yale and a BS from Stanford.
Luke Brunner: Well, we can guess what the BS stands for.

Emma Brunner: How did Roadshow go?
Carter: Well, Nana Pat’s clock’s a piece of s**t.

Roo: Are you s**tting me?
Aldon: What?
Roo: Every time, every single time, you always look like you stepped out of James Bond’s closet, while I get the Hillary Clinton Walmart collection.
Luke Brunner: Oh, come on. You look very sharp.
Roo: Thanks, Grandpa. You got any Werther’s Originals you want to spare?

Luke Brunner: Do you have to be that sassy? I mean, I miss my good girl.
Emma Brunner: I miss my loser gym-equipment-salesman dad.

Train Depot Operator: [in Kazakh] Who the hell are you?
Aldon: [in Kazakh] Agents Starsky and Hutch.

Roo: You know the expression “you break it, you buy it”? Well, America has a different expression. We bought it, so y’all better not break it. Now let’s see you make this choo-choo we paid for go chugga-chugga.

Barry: Haven’t seen a climax this lame since The Sixth Sense.
Tina: You knew Bruce Willis was dead?
Barry: He spends the whole movie hanging out with a kid. Who is he, Big Bird?

Emma Brunner: The override has been overridden.

Tally Brunner: How is the job going?
Emma Brunner: You know, just dodging bullets and trying to keep the whole thing from blowing up in my face.

Roo: Why did we need these as part of our disguise?
Aldon: What are you talking about?
Roo: What are we, train inspectors that are making hands-free phone calls to our moms?
Aldon: What? These are so cool. Tony Robbins wears these.

Emma Brunner: Congratulations, Dad. You made the world’s largest dirty bomb.

Emma Brunner: Maybe the truth is overrated. I mean, maybe lying isn’t always so bad.
Carter: That’s the exact opposite of everything I teach my students.

Luke Brunner: To the Tally-Ho.
Barry: What’s that?
Luke Brunner: You’re standing on her. It’s a gesture to win my wife back.
Aldon: You think that one through, chief?
Luke Brunner: Well, it’s a British call to action. To move forward.
Aldon: It’s the Tally-Ho.
Luke Brunner: Uh-oh. S**t. I just had it painted on this morning.

Roo: [referring to Tina] You have a crush on her.
Barry: What?
Roo: You want to get naked and push your stuff together.
Barry: No. She is a co-worker.
Aldon: Then why is your right temple pulsating? And you’re sweating through your Transformers t-shirt.
Barry: It’s Voltron.
Roo: And if you had a heart monitor on, it’d be buzzing like a bee’s butthole.

Roo: Is that a text from your boyfriend?
Tina: Boyfriend? No, I’m single as a dollar bill.

Luke Brunner: Can’t I see my own daughter in my own house anymore?
Emma Brunner: Hasn’t been your house for fifteen years.
Luke Brunner: Well, tell this to my mortgage payments.

Luke Brunner: You have a big heart. Even when we ended our marriage, you still made me feel that there’s hope, that things will work out.
Tally Brunner: I guess. Kind of. And things did work out for you. You’re okay.
Luke Brunner: Not yet. But I still have hope.

Roo: Bartholomew Putt died today of terminal celibacy. He is survived by millions of toys and zero girlfriends.
Barry: They’re action figures.
Roo: They’re v***na repellent.

Barry: This is my Batcave. My Fortress of Solitude.
Roo: Well, if your goal’s solitude, mission accomplished. The only person that would be turned on by this is Santa.

Roo: What is this?
Barry: I’m an aspiring oboist.
Roo: Good move. Nothing drops panties like a woodwind.

Roo: Listen, if you want a shot with Tina, you got to ditch all this stuff, even if it just barely helps your odds.
Barry: “Never tell me the odds.” Han Solo.
Roo: What did I just say?

Luke Brunner: Steady and predictable is something that you want from your accountant, but not from your life partner.

Emma Brunner: Oh, my God. You’re the last person on Earth I should be discussing relationship stuff with. I just watched you beg Mom to get on your little boat like a lovesick schoolboy.
Luke Brunner: One, it was just a casual invitation. Two, it’s not a boat. It’s a ship.
Emma Brunner: Okay. Well, that ship has sailed.

Luke Brunner: So if Dr. Pepper is right, the bar’s our way in.
Dr. Pfeffer: Pfeffer, like in “Michelle”.

Emma Brunner: Seriously, Dad? Could you have requisitioned a more unflattering outfit for me?
Luke Brunner: Well, you can’t be Aldon’s backup if everyone in the bar is hitting on you.
Roo: About time you got a taste of it. They always make me look like a Baltic washerwoman.

Aldon: [as she walks in on him as he’s about to get changed] I could’ve been indecent.
Emma Brunner: You are indecent.

Aldon: I treat women as equals, okay? We all have needs. Right? I make offers with physical engagement. And if it’s a yes, then great, we’ll both have a fantastic time, because I’m really, really good at intercourse. But if it’s a no, then hopefully we become friends. What’s more respectful than that?
Emma Brunner: So many things.

Aldon: Bottom line, honeypotting isn’t easy. Okay? It’s an art and a science.
Emma Brunner: No. It’s an excuse for arrested development frat boy bulls**t, and you know it.

Emma Brunner: Hope she has no sense of smell. Caught a whiff of Aldon. He’s like a category four Drakkar Noir tsunami.

Aldon: [after they find out Nika Stalinovich is a man] Okay, he’s definitely straight.
Barry: How do you know?
Aldon: [pointing to himself] Well, he didn’t want any of this.

Luke Brunner: We abort now.
Roo: On what grounds?
Luke Brunner: On the ground that I carry a photograph of her in pigtails in my wallet.
Roo: Wallet photos? How old are you?

Luke Brunner: You shut it down. I’m senior officer.
Aldon: Then you know it violates protocol to abort a mission for any reason other than imminent death, or severe bodily injury to an officer or civilian.
Luke Brunner: You may experience severe bodily injury.

Aldon: [to Emma] Let me give you my shirt. There’s nothing sexier than a woman in a man’s shirt.
Luke Brunner: Do not take off your shirt.
Roo: Aldon might still get a honeypot.
Aldon: Luke, the shirt you gave her looks like something from the Little Women Abstinence Collection.

Aldon: Look, truth? I don’t always love doing this, okay? Sometimes it’s weird, and creepy, or just awkward, and unpleasant. A lot of times, it leaves me feeling pretty awful.
Aldon: [after speaking in Swahili] That’s “be with me, my darling” in Swahili. I’ve said that in three dozen languages, and never once meant it. So, yeah, laughing with the gang can sometimes make it easier.

Aldon: You’re doing nothing wrong, Emma.
Emma Brunner: It’s actually good advice.
Aldon: Yeah. Shallow waters run deep. Right?

Aldon: You can’t ask Nik back to his place. He has to invite you.
Emma Brunner: Why?
Aldon: We don’t want to raise any suspicion. And women like you never have to ask. They only get asked.

Luke Brunner: Roo, what’s the holdup?
Roo: Cut me a break. There’s a whole quart of goulash up my crack.

Roo: Listen, Dr. Zhivago, either I bash you in the head until you’re out cold, or you inject yourself with forty cc’s of night-night.

Barry: [as they’re watching Emma trying to honeypot Nik] This is very uncomfortable. I took her to see the Jimmy Neutron movie.

Luke Brunner: Alright. Grounded, and ready to connect.
Roo: Sounds like my Tinder profile.

Luke Brunner: The holes are too big. If I let go, it tilts, and it sets off the alarm, and Emma goes to the gulag.
Roo: Let go, man. It’s starting to smell like Whoppers.
Luke Brunner: No. I’m going to hold on to it. That’s it, and that’s all.

Aldon: Emma, listen to me. You got to make him not want to look at that game.
Emma Brunner: Shock and awe.
Aldon: Shock and awe.
Luke Brunner: What’s shock and awe?
Roo: Fluff me.
Luke Brunner: What?
Roo: [as she shows him Emma, in her underwear to distract Nik] That is shock and awe.

Aldon: Aldon C. Reese will just spread his charisma everywhere.
Roo: And HPV.
Aldon: That was never confirmed.

Emma Brunner: You haven’t said more than a few words to me since the proposal.
Luke Brunner: Well, what’s the point? I mean, I do the talking, you pretend like you’re listening. And then you’re going off doing something stupid, like saying yes to a guy with a fiddle and a string ring.

Barry: Like the end of Back to the Future II, all of this to be continued.

Roo: Why are you wearing this Garanimals-a** shirt? I specifically told you not to look or act like you.
Barry: This is Matter-Homme, a French-Canadian superhero who can bend the laws of physics to his will.
Roo: Number one law of physics, no one who quotes laws of physics gets laid.

Roo: [to Barry, referring to Tina] You want to handle her bing bongs, and you want her to handle your nuggets. For that to happen, cover your shame, and do your homework.

Ford Perlmutter: Luke, don’t be shy. We’re family now. We have a saying at Coochie Coo. There’s nothing to lose but unwanted hair.
Luke Brunner: And your dignity.

Luke Brunner: We had a wonderful conversation on the airplane. We communicated, just like you recommended. She even said to me that she preferred the CIA over Carter. An hour later, they were engaged. I mean, this is insanity.

Luke Brunner: That’s supposed to be us?
Dr. Pfeffer: Pretty good likenesses, right?
Emma Brunner: Those are like Sesame Street-quality Muppets.
Dr. Pfeffer: Courtesy of the US taxpayer.

Emma Brunner: [imitating Luke] I’m Luke Brunner. I ruined my own marriage, but I’m the expert on everyone else’s. I have muscles, so that means I know everything. And I’m from Austria, where life is hard and everything costs a nickel.

Emma Brunner: [imitating Luke] The only thing I can’t lift is my own ego because it’s so big.

Travis: Those accoulements should be ours.
Tally Brunner: Those what?
Travis: Accoulements. When you get credit for doing a good job. Come on.
Tally Brunner: Are you combining “accolades” and “accoutrements”?

Aldon: Wait. Does your stump, does it have a toenail?
Roo: The doctors call it spontaneous regrowth. My niece calls it monster foot. I sent a picture to Ripley’s, they chose “not”, said it looked like a buffalo cauliflower. Flip-flops are a pipe dream. There’s nothing to hold them in place. They’re just flop-flops.
Aldon: Well, sorry. Big mission overrules little piggy.

Roo: So trying to be a macho ’70s guy for Tina?
Barry: Well, that was the idea. Thanks for sticking up for me.
Roo: Don’t thank me. This goes wrong, you’re cell block prom queen.

Luke Brunner: [to Barry] Whenever you like somebody, you start getting all nervous, and then you do stupid things.

Tina: How did Barry seem?
Roo: Raring to go. I’m just worried he won’t fit in the prison ductwork because of his giant balls.

Tina: There’s a drop of about eight feet, then the shaft turns horizontal.
Barry: Remind me why you can’t do this?
Luke Brunner: Because your skinny, malnourished body will squeeze through it like cookie dough.

Roo: So how are the new digs?
Barry: Prisony.

The Great Dane: [referring to Roo’s stumped toe] God, that is vile. I have not seen anything that bad in a long time, and I have been in a Turkish prison for two years.

The Great Dane: I don’t like using guns. It’s why I was handing her the gun. Technically you shot your own toe off. And I feel horrible.
Roo: Worse than someone with nine toes and ten toenails?

The Great Dane: What is the two-boink rule?
Luke Brunner: Any CIA officer engaged in more than two close or continued contacts with a foreign national has to report the relationship.
Aldon: I mean, it’s like a lot of paperwork.

Roo: Narcissism much?
Aldon: Then why is this safe house directly across the street from the same flea-ridden motel where Diane and I made sweaty Grecian love for twelve hours?
The Great Dane: Twelve hours? I thought you said you were only allowed to do it twice.

Tina: You hanging in there?
Barry: Honest? I’m terrified of tight spaces, damp spaces, dark spaces, locked spaces.

Emma Brunner: You know, we really shouldn’t be working together.
Luke Brunner: We are totally fluffed.

Barry: The needs of many outweigh the needs of the few.
Luke Brunner: Finally, you’re talking like a man.
Barry: That was Spock from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

Barry: When I said I wanted to impress you because you were new on the team, that was a lie. I wanted to impress you because I like you. And the problem is, I’m not the most impressive guy. I’m a mediocre oboist who’s auditioned for Wheel of Fortune four times and never been picked. Despite that, I was wondering if maybe when we get back, you want to go on a date with me.
Tina: I thought you’d never ask. I’ll see you when you get back. And Barry, Pat Sajak’s a d**k.

Luke Brunner: I know you were really scared today.
Barry: I wanted to be brave. But, you know, Turkish prison.
Luke Brunner: You don’t understand what I’m saying. And who is braver? The guy that does something that he’s not scared of, or the guy that is scared of something and does it anyway? You were bada** today. I’m proud of you.

Luke Brunner: What’s that smell?
Barry: White Lotus by Elizabeth DuVray.
Luke Brunner: It ruins the moment.

Emma Brunner: How’s the prisoner?
Aldon: Roo just showed him her toe. Pretty sure that violates the Geneva Convention.

Luke Brunner: Pain is part of love. Barry went to prison for Tina, and he just likes her. And the Dane went back to prison because he loves his son. It broke my heart when your mom and I got divorced.
Emma Brunner: She didn’t want to divorce you. She just wanted a present husband.
Luke Brunner: And I couldn’t be that. So I let the marriage go. For her. And if you love Carter, you would do exactly the same thing. The longer you drag it on, the more you’re going to hurt him. It’s just my opinion. But I know that it is your decision.

Luke Brunner: It’s always easy to support torture when you haven’t seen it from five feet away like I have.

Roo: It physically pains me to say this, but Princess Emma’s right. This d**kbag tried to kill almost everyone in this room. How are Covergirl and I the only one with balls in here?

Boro Polonia: Look at this. A reunion. Me, Finn, Danielle, whatever your real names are. I invited you into my home, clothed you, fed you. And you, Finn, I never once lied to you, not even when I said I loved you. I looked up to you, and you kill my only living parent. Now you chain me up. Tell me, who’s the bad guy?
Emma Brunner: The one selling nukes to terrorists?

Luke Brunner: How do we even explain Donald’s relationship to Romi? Mom’s husband’s mother’s boyfriend, or something like that?

Oscar: Who are you to talk to me like that? You don’t have a child. You don’t know what I’m going through. Just shut up, Emma.
Luke Brunner: Don’t talk to your sister like that.
Oscar: Oh, Of course you stick up for her. She’s the son you always wanted.

Emma Brunner: What’s a kindergartener doing with a six-figure uncut diamond?
Luke Brunner: This is just a little souvenir from Antwerp. I felt bad that I missed her recital.
Emma Brunner: Antwerp? Is that a conflict diamond?
Luke Brunner: If you call killing a bunch of guys in a warehouse a conflict.

Carter: So why don’t you stain this horse with me, and just take five minutes to think about something else?
Emma Brunner: Right. Yeah. Okay. Because the one thing every sick child wants is a toy from the Renaissance. I was just looking for someone who could lighten my load a little bit.

Luke Brunner: And thank you for being on my side, eighty-sixing the torture.
Dot: Oh, I didn’t take anybody’s side. Frankly, I’m the only one in this building who’s earned the right to have an opinion on torture.

Boro Polonia: I turned out this way because you killed Omar Polonia.
Luke Brunner: He was a dangerous man. But by killing him, I deprived a little sweet boy of his father. I thought I could fill that space with peanut brittle and gifts, and sending you to school, but every kid needs a father figure there.
Boro Polonia: So quality time with you would’ve made me a different man?
Luke Brunner: Quality time is a lie peddled by busy parents to alleviate guilt. It’s quantity time that counts.

Boro Polonia: Do you regret killing my father?
Luke Brunner: No. But I regret what it did to you.

Kyle: Look, I’m planted here, okay? What you going to do about it?
Emma Brunner: I’m going to strike your Adam’s apple, making it impossible for you to talk. Your head will drop instinctively, and we’ll drag you out of here like you’re our buddy on a breakup bender. In thirty seconds, you’ll be in the trunk of our car, in five, you’ll be wishing you’d come voluntarily, and in two, I’m hitting you.

Aldon: So you think you can get some viable bone marrow out of this cat?
Norm Carlson: Absitively posolutely. The procedure’s easy enough, according to Wikipedia.
Kyle: Wikipedia?
Norm Carlson: Don’t worry, just joshing. I read an article in The New England Journal of Medicine. I read most of it.

Emma Brunner: Aldon, for all that you did, thank you. Sincerely.
Aldon: You were having a rough day. I figured you could use someone to lighten your load a bit.
[Emma kisses him]

Luke Brunner: [to Carter, referring to Emma] I know what it’s like to lose a woman that you love. If you feel like she’s slipping away, fight for her.

Aldon: You’re right. This is messed up. You’re engaged. I’ve been a lot of things in my life, and an intentional home-wrecker has never been one of them, so.
Emma Brunner: Intentional?
Aldon: Well, they don’t always wear rings.

Dot: Barry and Tina will get their cover IDs. CIA will bankroll the five million buy-in.
Roo: The CIA’s got it like that? Why am I still shopping at TJ Maxx?
Aldon: Because you like name brands at no-name prices.

Tally Brunner: Something shady is going on at Merry Fitness, and I need to know what it is.
Luke Brunner: You deserve to know the truth. Barry has a gambling problem.
Tally Brunner: Bartholomew Tiberius Putt, a gambler?

Tally Brunner: You make it real hard to stay mad at you, Luke Brunner.
Luke Brunner: I haven’t always been perfect, but I’m always trying to do the right thing for our family. For you.
[Tally kisses him]

Dot: One to ten, where’s your freak-out meter?
Barry: Eight. But it was thirty-four in prison.
Dot: Good. Progress.

Emma Brunner: We can wait for my dad, but he did leave Aldon and me to run point, so.
Roo: Throwing Papa under the bus. Classy.

Tina: What the heck was that accent?
Barry: Wakanda. It was the only study material I could find.

Roo: Well, you’re not much of a sports fan, huh?
Emma Brunner: I was an NCAA athlete.
Roo: NCAA? What sport? A**hole Olympics?

Roo: What an inconvenience having a dad who cares. The only sporting event my dad took me to was a cockfight in an abandoned Del Taco.
Mr. Biryukov: Please, there’s no need to fight.
Roo: Old man, I will dart you in your turkey neck.

Roo: I don’t like feeling confined. I read about this German guy that lived in this tiny house, and he died on his own farts.

Aldon: Roo is short for Ruth.
Emma Brunner: Well, I thought it was a nickname because you drive a Subaru.
Roo: I drive a Subaru because I’m gay. So you never bothered to learn my real name? Nice kid you raised there, boss.

Roo: You know you can’t make calls from in here, Einstein.
Emma Brunner: I’m checking that message from Carter. If I die in here, hopefully his last words to me were something nice.

Tina: I think we could all use une petite pause and a drink, no? A proper drink? One that doesn’t come from a yak’s p**is?

Tina: Ethylene glycol is found in most household cleaners. Glycol will mix with the mugwort in the vermouth. Do you know what mugwort is?
Barry: Only from Harry Potter.

Barry: Do you know what they’ll do to us? They made us drink yak sperm when they were being friendly.
Tina: It was kind of spicy.
Barry: Why was it so spicy?

Roo: Are you s**tting me? Are you really complaining that your dad is too up in your business? You are such a spoiled, unappreciative brat.
Emma Brunner: You know, I’ve really had enough of you today. What? What is your problem with me?
Roo: My problem is that you have everything, and you appreciate nothing.

Roo: This guy chases you around, desperate to connect, works with you, takes you to ball games, worries about you nonstop. You know when I hear from my old man? Every five years when he needs a letter for the parole board. Meanwhile, you have Dad of the Year.
Luke Brunner: Thank you, Roo.
Roo: Shut up. You’re as pathetic as she is. Chasing her around like you chase her mother, you punk-a** b**ch.

Roo: [to Aldon] Oh, don’t you laugh, you sorry a**hole. The one woman in the whole world you knew I wouldn’t want you to hook up with, and you did it anyway. What kind of best friend are you? Weak sauce, man. Weak sauce.

Emma Brunner: I had a moment of weakness. I fell for his stupid, cute face. Doesn’t matter. It won’t happen again. Okay? It meant nothing, absolutely nothing.
Aldon: Would you stop saying that? Because it meant something to me.

Aldon: [to Emma] I don’t know how it happened. Kind of felt something since we were in Moldova. Well, you’re interesting, and I just like talking to you. And I don’t know. You’re alluring. You allured me.
Roo: I’m going to be sick.
Aldon: Well, how do you think I feel? I want to take Emma away from like the nicest, sweetest guy in the world. What does that make me?
Roo: A dude with s**t taste?
Aldon: It was a rhetorical question.

Aldon: You sure sounded disappointed that your daughter would stoop so low as to take an interest in me. And I thought we were friends.
Luke Brunner: Don’t get me wrong. You’re a great guy’s guy. But no one wants to have their kid involved with a ten thousand dollar suit-wearing gigolo. You know what I mean?

Aldon: Yeah, I’ve slept with a lot of women because they finally want to sleep with me. But I’ve never had feelings for any of them. I never wanted to see them every day, and I never thought about them as soon as I woke up. But now that I do, what, it’s eighth grade all over again, and suddenly I’m not good enough? Screw both of you.

Luke Brunner: What do you got there, Roo?
Roo: A crate’s worth of kick-a** if your kid wants some.

Barry: You know what they say about yak sperm? You don’t buy it, you rent it.

Luke Brunner: On the ship. Your mommy swabbed the deck with me.
Emma Brunner: No, this is not happening.
Luke Brunner: She made me her first mate. Then we relaxed a little bit, had some orange juice. And then she made me her second mate, if you catch my drift.

Luke Brunner: That’s it, and that’s all.
Emma Brunner: Will you quit saying that? You didn’t make it up. It’s from Throw Momma from the Train.
Luke Brunner: One, I never saw that movie, so I did make it up. And two, I cannot believe that you thought your mother would be better off with someone else.
Emma Brunner: Oh, I still do. The only mistake bigger than Mom getting back together with you was marrying you in the first place.

Barry: How did you know about the poison?
Tina: ’70s movies, remember? A lot of James Bond. How did you get the aces up his sleeve?
Barry: Five summers of magic camp.

Luke Brunner: [to Oscar] You said something the other day that really bothered me. Emma is the daughter I always wanted, and you’re the son I always hoped for. I’m proud of you. Now maybe I’m not mentioning it often enough, so if you’re frustrated, or angry about anything, just come and talk to me. But don’t bottle it all up and then one day just explode at me.

Luke Brunner: You know, if you were my daughter, I would call you more than once every five years.
Roo: Sack tap.
Luke Brunner: Ow.
Roo: That’s what you get for being sentimental.

Aldon: You know, when I was nineteen, I had my eye on my uncle’s second wife, but social norms and all. We had to pump the brakes at second base.
Luke Brunner: Oh, so your uncle’s second wife is a no-fly zone, but your pal’s daughter is game on?
Aldon: You really want to get into this now? I think we should focus on Barry sleeping with his relatives.

Roo: You guys hear about the kill order? Straight up Find, Fix, and Finish directive. We are going to Triple F him up.

Aldon: Barry’s nervous because he and Tina are going to make sweet, sweet love, and his experience is limited to a few times with a family member.
Luke Brunner: His cousin.
Roo: So you cranked your cousin? Big deal. I mean, I left my robe open for the mailman so he’d carry my packages all the way to the front door.

Roo: Barry, you got to focus on one thing, a great, big sex organ.
Barry: I’m doomed.
Roo: I’m talking about the brain, buddy. You want to get a woman going, you got to stimulate her between the ears, not between the here’s. Whole trick is to go subliminal. You got to work in words that sound dirty. Like, “Look at those pu**y willows. I love fresh kumquats.”
Aldon: “My grandpa has angina.”
Roo: There you go.

Dot: Rumor mill has it you two hate each other.
Emma Brunner: Faulty intel, Director.
Roo: That’s right. I just hate her. Nobody hates me because I’m delightful.

Dot: And you guys, Frick and Frack, you’re not getting along?
Roo: Listen, I was just grossed out because he kissed the princess. And then he got into my personal space. But, you know, circle-circle-dot-dot, now I got my cootie shot, so it’s all good.
Dot: F***ing kindergarten.

Aldon: You can’t just get in there like it’s Barry’s cousin’s pants.

Dr. Pfeffer: Maybe I should unpack a toolbox, grab a flashlight, and explore my own a**hole? You were going to say something snide like that, weren’t you?
Luke Brunner: Not exactly.
Dr. Pfeffer: No. But close?
Luke Brunner: Very close. Yeah.

Emma Brunner: I don’t want to lose you. Carter, we love each other. Everything else is just white noise.
Carter: Yeah. I will always love you, Emma. I just don’t trust you anymore. I can’t.
Emma Brunner: Are you breaking up with me?
Carter: I think I just did. A couple of seconds ago.

Luke Brunner: You’re late. You’re never late. Was there a sale on the stupid toys that you always buy with the big heads?
Barry: They’re called Funkos. And you can go Funko yourself, because nothing’s going to put me in a bad mood today.

Dot: With our complicated relationship with Sardovia, we have to enter very carefully. You get caught, you get killed.
Roo: Oh, no. That would be a tragedy for three-fourths of us.

Aldon: Xanax? You know that causes slurred speech, drowsiness, and memory issues?
Roo: It also cures “get in the box” issues. I’m claustrophobic.

Emma Brunner: Why couldn’t you just butt out? All I did was kiss some guy.
Aldon: Oh. Okay. I have a name. It’s Aldon Reese.
Emma Brunner: You cost me my relationship.
Luke Brunner: Your bad choices cost your relationship. You can’t have a marriage based on lies. Trust me, I know.

Luke Brunner: Sweetheart, I never thought I’m going to say this. Carter deserves better.

Barry: Speaking of spooky, once this Boro stuff is over, we’ll have free time. We could go into the city to visit Ghostbusters filming locations. I got a limited edition proton pack replica we could share. Not that I’m trying to boast.
Tina: You ain’t afraid of no boasts.

Roo: [to Emma] Oh, my God. Your hair is so pretty. It’s like a Shih Tzu got it on with cotton candy.

Luke Brunner: [after Aldon gets shot] Clean exit wound. Nothing major damaged.
Aldon: Just my body.

Luke Brunner: How do you feel?
Aldon: How do I feel? No food, no water, in hostile territory. I’ve felt better.

Tally Brunner: Pound it.
Carter: I typically like to sip more than…
Tally Brunner: What are you, Amish? Drink.
Carter: Amish don’t sip drinks. They don’t drink.

Tally Brunner: Welcome to The Dump Club, Carter. Population, us.
Carter: So you got dumped?
Tally Brunner: Yeah, you think somebody loves you. You give them your heart. But they grind it into protein powder, guzzle it down with whey and kale, and fart it into the couch while they watch SportsCenter.

Emma Brunner: [referring to Tally and her break up with Carter] She’s blaming me?
Luke Brunner: Well, who else should she blame?
Emma Brunner: I can think of two hundred and fifty Austrian pounds of blame to go around.
Luke Brunner: One, I’m not two fifty. I’m two twenty, and all lean. Two, I didn’t make you and Carter break up. I didn’t force you and Aldon’s lips together.

Emma Brunner: Before I’m forced to team up with Dad, great relationship, love my job, happy as a clam. Afterwards, my relationship’s in the s**tter, and I’m miserable.
Luke Brunner: It’s not my fault that you agreed to a proposal to marry a guy you didn’t want to marry. And then you go and kiss another guy while you’re engaged, and then you hide the truth from him. So stop blaming me for everything. You know, just take responsibility yourself. Be a grown-up for once in your life.

Aldon: You know, I was willing to wait for you if I was your choice, not your backup.
Emma Brunner: That’s fair. Today’s a fluffing s**tty day.
Aldon: You’re telling me.

Luke Brunner: Baby’s in the bathwater.
Barry: Chucky’s in the cheese.

Aldon: Pee in the jar, or I die.
Roo: Goddammit! Oh, man. Just for the record, I may come up dry. You know I have issues peeing in public.

Dr. Pfeffer: [to Roo] Let the music flow, Roo, and the urine will follow.

Cain Khan: The minute I met you, I knew I’d kill you.
Luke Brunner: The minute I met you, I knew you were a d**k.

Luke Brunner: Where are the nukes?
Cain Khan: You can look for them in hell.

Barry: Way to go, doc! That was some Sigmund Freud s**t right there!

Tina: [to Luke] Respectfully, sir. You’ve got to Hulk-out on that s**t.

Emma Brunner: Finn Hoss is not your problem! Boro Polonia’s made millions of decisions that got him stuck in a basement with a nuke that’s about to blow. For Christ’s sake, take some responsibility. Stop blaming him for all of your mistakes. Wow, that’s really good advice.
Boro Polonia: I’m glad you’re so impressed with the wisdom you’ve bestowed. Let’s get the f*** out of here before we get blown to hell.

Aldon: [after he becomes conscious] There’s a huge hose hanging out of me.
Roo: That’s what you told your doctor.

Boro Polonia: You gave me your word! Let me out!
Luke Brunner: I’m sorry. I can’t let you come after her.
Boro Polonia: You can’t do this to me, Finn. I was like a son to you!
Luke Brunner: You were like a son. But she is my daughter.

Luke Brunner: Mission complete. That’s it, and that’s all.

Luke Brunner: I shouldn’t put my nose into your affairs. I mean, I shouldn’t interfere. It’s wrong. I mean, what do they call that? Chopper parent?
Emma Brunner: Helicopter.
Luke Brunner: Well, when it comes to worrying about you, I’m like an Apache helicopter.

Luke Brunner: There’s one more thing that I have to own up to. “That’s it, and that’s all?”
Emma Brunner: Yeah?
Luke Brunner: I stole it from Throw Momma from the Train.
Emma Brunner: I knew it.
Luke Brunner: I love Danny DeVito. He’s so tiny. I want to put him in my pocket.

Emma Brunner: Don’t argue with Dr. Roo. She says take the ambulance, take it.
Roo: Don’t tell us what to do, princess.
Emma Brunner: I’m agreeing with you.
Roo: Still, I am holding a jar of pee. So don’t pi** me off.

Emma Brunner: Stoned or not, you said some nice things to me. Real nice. And we both know what that means.
Roo: That I’m going to punch you in the cooter?
Emma Brunner: No, that deep down part of you likes me. And that means we’re friends.
Roo: Fine. But it’s not like we’re going to do each other’s hair and make BFF TikToks together.

Luke Brunner: Look, I would rather have you be a librarian, or something, but if you want to continue this work, to tell you the truth, you don’t need me anymore.
Emma Brunner: Yes, I do.

Emma Brunner: I never thought I’d say this, I’ve learned a ton from working with my dad. How he leads the team, how he keeps his cool, how to slit a man’s throat vertically so he bleeds out faster.

Barry: Hey. Got the shoe polish. Midnight, not to be confused with supervillain Midnight, archenemy of Marvel superhero, Moon.

Barry: [to Oscar] You’re a millionaire! You know, your uncle has had his eye on the original Mogwai cage from Gremlins.

Barry: [on Tally’s wedding day to Donnie] You’re keeping it together pretty good.
Luke Brunner: I’m dead inside.
Barry: That’s what I figured.

Tally Brunner: You going to be alright?
Luke Brunner: Yeah, I’m going to be fine. Just going to kick back, have some beer with Napoleon, Thomas Dewey, Buffalo Bills, and all the great losers in history.

Luke Brunner: I’m trying to be the bigger man.
Emma Brunner: [referring to Tally and Donnie] You’re being the dumber man. She was drunk and pi**ed at you when she proposed. She may love him, but she’s not in love with him.

Emma Brunner: I understand that I saw my mom force a smile at one of Donnie’s stupid jokes two minutes before you made her light up on the saddest day of her life. She’s still in love with your clueless Austrian a**. No one makes her laugh like you do, or feel joy like you do you.
Luke Brunner: And give her pain like I do.
Emma Brunner: You only hurt her because the job, and the job is over. So Donnie should be over. They’re not meant to be together.

Emma Brunner: [referring to Tally and Donnie’s wedding] You’re going to let it happen, aren’t you?
Luke Brunner: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Emma Brunner: You’re going to wake up tomorrow and realize you blew it.

Carter: So are you seeing anybody?
Emma Brunner: No. No. Just me, myself, and I. What about you? Are you still dating the lawn-dart woman?
Carter: Bernadette, and it was cricket.

Barry: Hustle your bustle because the wedding is about to start. You know you become Batman if you skip church, right?
Tina: Huh?
Barry: You’d be Christian Bale. Get it? A Christian who bailed on church?
Tina: Yeah, I’m Hindu. And that joke makes me think there’s no gods.

Luke Brunner: [to Tally] I’ve been a spy for the CIA since before we met. I was never a gym equipment salesman. That was all bulls**t. I was never around because I was always on international missions to wipe out criminals and killers. And I kept it a secret from you because I wanted to protect you and the family. But now that’s it. I’m done with it forever. Here, I’ll show you. This is the National Distinguished Service Award medal. Now you don’t get this from Cracker Jack. So, please, don’t marry Donnie.

Luke Brunner: I mean, I killed a lot of people.
Tally Brunner: What?
Luke Brunner: Yeah. But they all were d**ks.

Aldon: [imitating Luke] I shouldn’t have retired. I shouldn’t have abandoned my friends. And I was wrong about you, Aldon. You’d be a wonderful son-in-law. I want you to marry Emma and impregnate her with my grandbabies.

Boro Polonia: Look at what you made me. You want it to be over? There’s only one way. Only way that’s fair. The two of you, the two liars! Face each other. Take your guns and point them at each other’s heads. And then father and daughter pull the trigger together.

Tally Brunner: So you’re all CIA?
Barry: No, just me. And Luke. And Emma.
Aldon: And me.
Roo: And Roo makes five, Mrs. B.

Luke Brunner: We got completely burned.
Emma Brunner: Nowhere is safe.
Tally Brunner: So, what do we do now?
Luke Brunner: I don’t know. It’s totally FUBAR.