Starring: Jacob Tremblay, Keith L. Williams, Brady Noon, Molly Gordon, Lil Rel Howery, Will Forte, Midori Francis, Christian Darrel Scott
Comedy written and directed by Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky. The story centers on three sixth grade boys, Max (Jacob Tremblay), Thor (Brady Noon), and Lucas (Keith L. Williams). After being invited to his first kissing party, Max is panicking because he doesn’t know how to kiss. Eager for some pointers, Max, Thor and Lucas, decide to use Max’s dad’s drone, which they are forbidden to touch, to spy on a teenage couple who are making out next door. But when things go ridiculously wrong, the drone is destroyed. Desperate to replace it before Max’s dad gets home, the boys skip school and set off an odyssey of epically bad decisions involving some accidentally stolen drugs, frat-house paintball, and running from both the cops and terrifying teenage girls.
Max: We’re in sixth grade now, we need to start doing sixth grade things.
Thor: I know what cocaine is.
Annabelle: Annabelle, get the fuck out of here! Bean Bag Boys only, you little shit!
[to Max and Lucas]
Thor: Annabelle’s been watching Dateline. She now knows what cocaine is.
[suddenly Annabelle appears behind them]
Max: Oh, my God!
Thor: What the f*ck?!
Annabelle: Let me be a Bean Bag Boy. I’ll grow a tiny penis like Thor’s.
Thor: I found all these weapons in my parents close.
[we see it’s a bunch of sex toys; Max picks up a gimp mask]
Max: You think your parents will let me wear this for Halloween?
[Lucas reads the side of a box that says “Anal Beads”]
Lucas: “Annal Beads?”
Thor: It’s Japanese for nunchucks, motherf*cker!
[he starts spinning the beads like nunchucks and hits himself in the head]
Thor: Oh, f*ck!
Lucas: Are you okay?
Thor: They smell like shit.
Thor: Look what I found at school today?
Lucas: What is it?
Thor: I have no idea.
Max: That’s a tampon. Girls shove it up their butthole to stop babies from coming out. An eighth grader told me that.
Soren: I’m having a party tomorrow. Are you in?
Max: Yeah. Can Thor and Lucas come? They’re my best friends, we do everything together.
Soren: They’re so random.
Max: Tonight is our first middle school party. There’s going to be girls there. You know what that means?
Max: No. kissing.
[referring to his juice box]
Thor: Does this look like a sippy cup? No, it’s a f*cking juice box! Because I’m not a f*cking child!
[to Max and Lucas]
Thor: Two weeks into sixth grade and I’m already a social piranha.
[to Max and Lucas]
Thor: Here’s the plan. I’m going to go to the party with a beer, so everyone knows that I’m cool.
[Thor stuffs a bottle of beer down the front of his pants and tries to leave the store]
Police Officer: What do you have in your pants?
Thor: My penis. It’s been like this ever since I was a baby. It’s kind of embarrassing.
Police Officer: I’m guessing you’re not the popular kids in school. Hm? Pull it out.
[Thor pulls out the bottle of beer]
Thor: I also have a big dick.
Lucas: [to Max] You let us run around with drugs, fight with frat guys, and lock a cop in a convenient store with what I now suspect is a d*ldo!
Max: We need to see real people kissing.
Thor: I have an idea.
[we see him type “PORB” in internet search, then delete the B and hit N; as they watch in horror]
Lucas: How many husbands does she have?! Get out of there, girl!
[they all scream in horror and close the laptop]
Max: Nobody even kissed.
Thor: Well, not on the mouth, at least.
[after their first experience of encountering porn on the internet]
Thor: The guy didn’t even kiss. He was just licking that woman a**hole. You want to kiss an a**hole, man?
Thor: You do not want to go to Soren’s party not knowing how to kiss.
Max: We could spy on my neighbor. She’s a total nymphomaniac.
Lucas: She starts fires?
Max: No, she’s nymphomaniac. Someone who has sex on land and sea.
[as they get caught watching Hannah kissing Benji]
Benji: Hey, Stranger Things, go f*ck yourselves!
[referring to spying on Hannah; Thor and Lucas]
Max: We need to get a closer look.
[after Hannah takes the drone Max, Lucas and Thor were using to spy on her]
Hannah: This is what happens when you don’t respect women.
Lucas: I respect women! My mom’s my best friend!
Thor: What about me?
Max: My dad’s going to kill me.
Thor: Chill. This is how we get the drone back.
[holds up Hannah’s bag]
Hannah: You took my bag?
Max: Don’t get any closer!
Lilly: Oh, my God. There’s Molly in there.
Max: Okay, who’s Molly? Because she’s not with us.
Hannah: Jesus Christ.
Lilly: Just give us our Molly!
Lucas: You had us bring drugs to a f*cking playground?!
Thor: Run, run!
Max: We need to get rid of the drugs!
Thor: We could throw it in the forest.
Lucas: It’s a sex drug. What if a fox eats it and tries to fuck a squirrel? It’ll kill them!
Lucas: We’re not crossing a highway.
Max: Are we fifth graders, or are we sixth graders?
Max: If we don’t get to that party, I’ll die.
Benji: Party? You guys are like seven.
Max: Stop treating us like kids. We’re tweens. We know how things work.
Hannah: You guys are little badasses.
[referring to the sex swing he’s hanging from]
Thor: I found this in the back of parents closet.
Lucas: An indoor swing?
[we see them playing around on the swing when suddenly Annabelle interrupts them]
Annabelle: What are you doing? That swing is for sexing. People do sex on it.
Max: We still don’t know how to kiss.
Thor: My parents have a CPR doll. We can practice kissing on that.
[as Max goes to kiss the CPR doll]
Lucas: Stop! You should never kiss someone without their permission.
[to the doll]
Max: May I kiss you?
[Lucas pretends to be the doll and answers]
Lucas: What do you like about me?
Max: You’re sweet. You smell good.
[stroking the doll’s face]
Max: You’re a really pretty CPR doll.
Lucas: I consent.
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