Starring: David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Sasha Lane, Daniel Dae Kim, Thomas Haden Church, Brian Gleeson, Sophie Okonedo, Penelope Mitchell, Alistair Petrie
OUR RATING: ★★½
Action adventure fantasy directed by Neil Marshall based on the graphic novels by Mike Mignola. Hellboy (David Harbour) prepares to stop an ancient medieval sorceress, Nimue The Blood Queen (Milla Jovovich), who seeks to destroy all of mankind.REVIEWS
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 28)
Dr. Edwin Carp: May I?
[he takes hold of Hellboy’s right arm to look at it]
Dr. Edwin Carp: Does it do anything special?
Hellboy: Yeah, it smashes things real good.
Hellboy: [to Glaren] I always knew dad aged well, but you guys, picture looks like it was taken yesterday.
Lady Hatton: There’s a reason for that. The phenomenon you so rightly observed was the byproduct of a seance the four of us, along with your Professor Broom, were involved in, just before the war.
Lord Adam Glaren: Allow me to introduce our resident seer, Lady Elizabeth Hatton.
Lady Hatton: The spirit I made contact with that night was exceptionally powerful. It warned us that something was coming. Something that would end mankind, and that we’d been chosen to seek it out and destroy it. Ever since, we’ve aged at a snail’s pace in order to fulfill that mission, no matter how long it took.
Hellboy: Okay. And this thing you’re worried about, did it show up?
Lady Hatton: Oh, yes. You did.
Lady Hatton: [to Hellboy] I was there the night that you came into the world. World War II was coming to an end. Germany was all but defeated. But the Nazis still had one last trick up their sleeve. They turned to the infamous necromancer Grigori Rasputin. On an island off the coast of Scotland, they gathered to invoke an ancient occult ritual, intended to turn the tide of war back in Germany’s favor. But something went wrong. The ritual didn’t turn out quite as they planned.
Lady Hatton: [to Hellboy] Professor Broom and myself were working with the allies at the time. With his knowledge of the occult, and my gift of foresight, we led a secret mission to the island to kill whatever abomination was summoned from the depths of hell that night. Instead, we found you.
Lady Hatton: Your father never told you, did he? Why he was really there that night?
Must have slipped his mind.
Lady Hatton: Rasputin brought you in the world as a weapon. With patience and understanding, Broom turned that weapon into a force for good.
Hellboy: Patience and understanding. You sure we’re talking about the same guy?
Lady Hatton: He saw something in you that the rest of us could not. And he raised you as his own son.
[looking at an old photo of Broom]
Hellboy: So I’m devil spawn and a Nazi. Great. Thanks, dad.
Hellboy: I thought you guys disbanded after the war.
Major Ben Daimio: And I thought we were supposed to be fighting monsters, not working with them.
Hellboy: Who you calling monster, pal? You look in the mirror recently, Scarface?
Major Ben Daimio: Is that meant to be humor?
Hellboy: Maybe. My therapist does say that I rely on jokes as a way to normalize.
Major Ben Daimio: Normalize, right. Good luck with that.
[referring to Daimio]
Professor Broom: So glad to see you two are getting along. Since this is on British soil, it’ll be a joint operation.
Hellboy: Please, I don’t need any help kicking the dentures out of the Osiris Club, alright? I got this.
[referring to the gun]
Alice Monaghan: That’s mega.
[referring to Broom]
Hellboy: He’s probably overcompensating because he’s not my real dad.
Alice Monaghan: That’s some present.
Hellboy: Some dads get their kids LEGOs.
[as Alice channels Hatton’s spirit after she’s killed]
Major Ben Daimio: Well, I’ll be fucked.
Lady Hatton: Nimue, she has returned.
Hellboy: Yeah, we know that. Uh, is that why Osiris tried to kill me?
Lady Hatton: Man will fall to her darkness. Those who call the shadows home will rise again.
Hellboy: Okay. I’d appreciate a prophecy with smaller and more relatable stakes.
[as they stop outside a fish and chips shop]
Hellboy: Fish and chips shop?
Major Ben Daimio: We’re here.
Hellboy: This is it?
Major Ben Daimio: Were you expecting a sign that says “Secret Headquarters”? Come on.
[as they enter the fish and chips shop]
Major Ben Daimio: Mrs. Harker.
Mrs. Harker: Hello.
Hellboy: Woh, I thought it smelled bad on the outside.
[to the two agents]
Major Ben Daimio: I’ll let you two take it from here. I’m leaving.
Major Ben Daimio: And you, don’t go anywhere. Last thing I need is some freak wandering around scaring the locals.
Alice Monaghan: Where’s he going? Haven’t we got to be saving the world or something?
Hellboy: Uh, he’s an asshole.
Mrs. Harker: Oy. I need some ID, love.
Hellboy: Are you serious?
Mrs. Harker: Rules are rules, I’m afraid.
[to Hellboy and Alice]
Professor Broom: Oh, good, you’re here! This is all we got on Nimue so far.
Hellboy: We’re fine. Thank you for asking. Your friends at Osiris, not so much.
Professor Broom: No two stories are alike, but everything seems to suggest she won’t get her full powers until she’s completely restored.
Hellboy: Hey, hey, did you hear me? All your friends are dead!
Professor Broom: And there’ll be a lot more dead if we don’t find her. So perhaps you two would like to grab a book, do some research, maybe find out where she is, so we can bury her before she buries us.
Hellboy: Great. Homework. No wonder Daimio took off.
Professor Broom: You have something to say, say it.
Hellboy: Your moral high ground is founded on a pile of bullshit.
Professor Broom: This is the BPRD. We’re the line in the sand.
Hellboy: That’s the thing about sand, you can always draw another line.
Hellboy: You know, maybe if humans weren’t so keen on killing witches and demons and such, the witches and demons and such wouldn’t be so keen on killing humans.
Professor Broom: That’s a false equivalence and you know it.
Hellboy: There’s got to be another way. The answer to every threat we face cannot be annihilation. There’s got to be a world where monsters don’t have to hide in the shadows, where they don’t have to live in fear. Where monsters…
Professor Broom: Has she got to you? Nimue, she got to you with her perfumed words and her perky breasts.
Hellboy: So stupid!
Professor Broom: Oh!
Hellboy: I’m not even talking about her!
Professor Broom: Then who?!
Hellboy: We face every mystical and metaphysical threat there is, and yet you take me in. Why? You were sent to kill me. What changed your mind?
Professor Broom: You did.
Hellboy: You gave me a gun on my tenth birthday. You sent me into the Wildungen forest to hunt a pack of wild hill trolls.
Professor Broom: Here we go again. No, we didn’t play Snakes and Ladders. We didn’t play Go Fish. I didn’t coach you in football or baseball.
Hellboy: You made me a goddamn weapon.
Professor Broom: I just wanted to help you become the best you.
Hellboy: If you, uh, loved me, maybe you could talk to some of your human friends that would want to see me dead, rather than unleashing me to slaughter my brothers and sisters!
[he storms out the room]
Professor Broom: What?
Alice Monaghan: Just solid parenting.
Baba Yaga: We celebrate her return.
Baba Yaga: You are correct to applaud her righteousness. In her world, you will be hailed a hero. They will build statues of you, two thousand feet high, made from the bones of your enemies.
Hellboy: That’d take a shit-ton of bones.
[shoots at Nimue]
Hellboy: Oh, sorry! Did I interrupt?
Gruagach: Hellboy, you bastard!
Hellboy: I hope I’m not late to the party!
Nimue the Blood Queen: You’ve arrived just in time.
Hellboy: Where do you think you’re going?
Nimue the Blood Queen: To give birth to a new world!
Hellboy: Yeah, by killing a lot of innocent people!
Nimue the Blood Queen: Why do you fight for those who hate and fear you? All I wanted was revenge, until I saw you. You can usher in the apocalypse. Out of the ashes, a new Eden will emerge. Leave these frail, pathetic humans behind. Be my king, and be revered for who you really are. We belong together, you and I.
Hellboy: We do! But it’s not going work, you know, because I’m a Capricorn and you’re fucking nuts!
Nimue the Blood Queen: A demon sleeps inside you, and I will waken it.
Professor Broom: Listen up, ladies and gentlemen. The shit has gone way beyond the fan. Out there, there’s a fifth century sorceress and her pig monster, who want to bring down the curtain on London and the world. Now, please tell me where the fuck they are!
Major Ben Daimio: You going tell us what happened down there? Where’s Gandalf?
Hellboy: He’s dead. He offered me the sword, Excalibur. He said it was the only way to kill the Blood Queen.
Major Ben Daimio: Alright, so where is it?
Hellboy: I didn’t take the sword. Because if I do, I’m the guy who’s going bring about the end of the world.
Major Ben Daimio: You’re the guy who’s going to bring about the end of the world? Get over yourself.
[as Hellboy gets out of the truck a police officer shoots at him]
Hellboy: Hey, I’m on your side!
Police Officer: Sorry! My bad.
[as Alice is channelling Broom in his spirit form]
Hellboy: Why didn’t you kill me all those years ago? You had a job, to protect the world from monsters!
Professor Broom: I have never, ever regretted the decision I made that night.
Professor Broom: Shut up and listen to me. There’s things I need to say. I tried to be the best father I could. What the hell did I know about raising a kid? I was a killer, and damn good at it. Some beasts deserved it, some didn’t. But I did what I believed was necessary. And if I have any chance of growing wings, it’s because of you.
[as Alice is channelling Broom in his spirit form]
Professor Broom: You changed me. You changed everything. And if there is ever an end in this seemingly forever war, it will be because of you and your strong right hand. You are mankind’s best and only hope, my boy.
Hellboy: Please. Please don’t go. I’m not ready.
Professor Broom: Oh, yes, you are. Being your father was the best decision I ever made. I love you, Hellboy.
Hellboy: Do not sneak up on me like that!
Major Ben Daimio: Don’t you ever stop bitching?
Alice Monaghan: I’m glad you could join us.
Hellboy: Yeah. Okay, come on, let’s get your game face on.
Major Ben Daimio: It’s not something I can just turn on and off like a light switch. The transformation is an electro-chemical reaction to pain and emotional…
[Hellboy hits him in the face]
Major Ben Daimio: I’m sorry to say, it’s a bit more complicated than that…
[Hellboy punches him hard in the face]
Hellboy: Welcome to the BPRD.
[he imitates growling]
Hellboy: Yeah, come on, let’s do this.
[last lines; to Hellboy and Daimio]
Alice Monaghan: Hey, guys, check it out.
[she cleans the label on the water tank they’ve found]
Alice Monaghan: “Icthyo Sapien.” Anyone know what that means?
[Abe Sapien’s hand suddenly bangs on the tank’s glass]
[mid-credits; Hellboy is at Broom’s grave being consoled by the ghost Lobster Johnson]
Lobster Johnson: Now cut the shit. Buckle up. Get back in the fight.
[Johnson walks off]
Hellboy: I love you, Lobster Johnson!
Hellboy: Okay. Wow. Alright, that happened.
Baba Yaga: He mocks me, and I’ve had enough! Go! Kill Hellboy and bring me his eye! Can you do that?
Unseen Force: I can. And if I do?
Baba Yaga: I will grant you your greatest wish.
Unseen Force: And that is?
Baba Yaga: I will finally let you die.
Total Quotes: 28
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