Horrible Bosses
Quotes Page 1 2
[first lines; as Nick is rushing to get to the office]
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] I get to work before the sun comes up and I leave long after it’s gone down. I haven’t had sex in six months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell. But here’s the thing, this is just temporary.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks! You know why she didn’t succeed? Because she didn’t take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you this in business school, is taking shit. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last eight years and it’s all about to pay off.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] I’m this close to getting a big promotion, with my own office. Then all the endless hours, and the sacrifice, and the shit eating will have been worth it.
[pausing the security video of Nick standing by the elevator]
Dave Harken: See, this is what concerns me, Nick. You’re a punctual guy. You know the importance of being here right at six a.m., which is what leads me to think that, there must be something wrong with the internal clock on our security system.
Nick Hendricks: May have been a minute late.
Dave Harken: But according to this, you were two minutes late. So either you’re a liar, or this system is off by a full minute.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] The only hitch…I work for this guy. David Harken. Who right now is giving me some fresh shit for being two minutes late. He’s a ‘total fucking asshole’.
[getting dropped off to work by his fiancé, Stacy]
Dale Arbus: [voice over] When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I always gave the same answer.
[he kisses Stacy and they say I love you to each other]
Dale Arbus: [voice over] I wanted to be a husband. I know that sounds weird. Most boys wanna be fire house chiefs or personal trainers, but to me being a husband was like the highest calling. And thanks to Stacy, that dream’s about to come true.
Dale Arbus: [voice over] Unfortunately, no one’s gonna pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. So, I had to find a job. Now, I always admired dentists. They’re smart, they’re capable, they keep your teeth healthy. So I went out and I became one.
Dale Arbus: [voice over] Okay, I became a dental assistant. It’s basically the same thing. I just make a lot less money.
[whilst assisting his boss]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Do you ever see that show, Gossip Girl?
Dale Arbus: No.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Mmm…I watched an episode last night. I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy, broke a nail.
Dale Arbus: [voice over] And it would have been the perfect job, if not for one ‘evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.’.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: I bet you’re no shrimp in the cock department, huh Dale?
Dale Arbus: Okay, Julia. Come on!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: I’m not comfortable talking about that.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, Dale! Come on! You know that I like to fool around
[she takes the hand of the patient and places it on her breast]
Dale Arbus: Oops!
[to the patient]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Mr. Anderton! Not in the office! This is bad!
[hitting the patients hand]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Bad! Bad! Bad!
Dale Arbus: Probably shouldn’t hit the patients.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] I love my job. If you ask me, anyone who hates their job has no one to blame but themself. We make our own destinies, and I’ve made a sweet one here. I’m an account manager at a chemical company. And I’ll tell you something, the job has its perks.
[flirting with the FedEx delivery girl delivering some packages]
Kurt Buckman: So, what’s going on here?
Jamie: Sorry?
Kurt Buckman: Is this one of those hidden camera shows?
Jamie: What do you mean?
Kurt Buckman: What I mean is that you’re way too cute to be just a FedEx girl. I mean, you gotta be like a model or actress or something, right? Like what happens when I open up one of these boxes? Someone gonna jump out and bite me in the penis?
Jamie: No! Nothin’s…nothin’s gonna jump out. I’m just a FedEx girl.
Kurt Buckman: Shut up!
[she laughs and turns to leave]
Jamie: Bye.
Kurt Buckman: Have a great afternoon.
Jamie: Thank you.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] I didn’t actually sign form by the way. So she has to come back.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] But the real reason I’m here, is this guy. Jack Pellit, my boss. The sweetest man I know. He loves me and I love him. Everybody loves him.
[as Bobby comes out of the toilet]
Jack Pellit: Bobby?
Bobby Pellit: What?
Jack Pellit: Is everything okay? You seem to be spending more time in the toilet than you do at your desk.
Bobby Pellit: I didn’t…I didn’t realize I had to tell you every time I wanna take a dump.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my bosses ‘dipshit cokehead son’, well it’s a small price to pay.
Bobby Pellit: You need me to tell you when I’m gonna pee-pee?
Jack Pellit: I’m just trying to get you do your part, son. It’s not easy times you know.
Bobby Pellit: I do my part. I do other people’s parts. But it doesn’t matter to you, cause you just wanna ride on my ass because I’m your son.
[pointing to Kurt]
Bobby Pellit: You know what? I don’t hear you giving, dick-skin, any shit.
Kurt Buckman: Dick-skin. Nice.
Bobby Pellit: Kiss ass.
[motioning to Kurt to come into his office]
Jack Pellit: Come on. Come on.
Bobby Pellit: Yeah. Go on. In you go. Get in! Fucking…
[moves his hands about in karate chop motion]
Bobby Pellit: I’m a green belt, motherfucker.
Kurt Buckman: What?
[pouring some scotch into a glass]
Dave Harken: Oh! You want?
Nick Hendricks: It’s eight fifteen a.m.!
Dave Harken: What? Is there something wrong with a manager drinking in the morning?
Nick Hendricks: No. Thank you. Sure. Thanks.
[he hands Nick the glass of scotch]
Dave Harken: Bottoms up.
Nick Hendricks: Nothing for you?
Dave Harken: Nick, it’s eight fifteen in the morning, I’m not an alcoholic.
Nick Hendricks: Mr. Harken, the only reason I took one because I thought you were gonna have one, so…
Dave Harken: You took one because you thought I was gonna have one? Is that something you think a senior V.P. would do?
Nick Hendricks: I was just trying to be polite.
Dave Harken: So, what? If I uh…was gonna put balls in honey and shaved coconut, you’d do that too?
Nick Hendricks: I would not.
Dave Harken: Sure?
Nick Hendricks: Yeah.
Dave Harken: Cause I’ve got some coconut.
Dave Harken: Look, if you want a promotion, you gotta earn it. Now, what do I keep saying? Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting on a few Band-Aids on your nipple. Right?
Nick Hendricks: Right.
[Nick turns to walk out of his office]
Dave Harken: Nick, it’s eighteen year old scotch. You don’t really expect me to pour it back into the bottle, do you?
[Nick reluctantly goes back and picks up the glass of scotch and drinks the whole lot]
[Dale hands Julia the dental water spray]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Alright, let see if this thing is working.
[she sprays Dale in the crotch with the dental water spray]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Ooh!
Dale Arbus: Oh, my God!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh! I’m sorry. I’m a squirter, Dale. Oh, you know what? I think, I can make out our little friend right there!
[she squirts him in the crotch again with the water spray]
Dale Arbus: Stop it!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Shabbat Shalom, somebody’s circumcised!
Dale Arbus: Can we stop doing this thing here?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Why? Because you have a girlfriend?
Dale Arbus: Well, she’s not just my girlfriend anymore. We’re engaged now.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: We’re engaged.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You said that she was just a hole for your dick.
Dale Arbus: I never said that. That’s not even my style.
[referring to his boss]
Kurt Buckman: He had a heart attack. They said his um…heart burst in his chest like a water balloon.
Dale Arbus: My God! I’m sorry, man. I…I know you guys were close.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy. I loved working for him, you know? It’s like awesome. Now his shitbag son is gonna be in charge. And it’s like…
Dale Arbus: That…the cokehead?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Do you know how many times I’ve caught him doing blow at work?
Nick Hendricks: This whole thing’s a real bummer, Kurt. I’m so sorry. You’re the only one of us who didn’t completely hate his job.
Nick Hendricks: Did…did I tell you that Harken tricked me into having a drink at eight o’clock this morning. I mean, I work for the anti-Christ!
Kurt Buckman: How did he trick you?
Dale Arbus: I thought he was gonna give you a promotion!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah. No, he is. That’s his way of being extra evil. He knows this is the last chance he has to make my life miserable.
Dale Arbus: At least your boss isn’t sexually harassing you.
Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically] Oh, my God! I hear you on that one.
Dale Arbus: Don’t give me shit!
Nick Hendricks: You’ll never get any sympathy out of us for this.
Dale Arbus: She’s going crazy! It’s like a totally hostile working environment there, man. It’s not funny!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah?
Dale Arbus: Alright, check it out. Today, she started spraying water at my crotch so she could see the outline of my dick.
Kurt Buckman: That’s great!
Dale Arbus: It’s not great!
Kurt Buckman: What are you talking about? Why don’t you just, you know, just fuck her?
Dale Arbus: Because I’m engaged to be married and I love my fiancé, okay?
[explaining why he can’t get another job]
Dale Arbus: I’m on the registered sex offenders list, yes!
[Kurt laughs]
Nick Hendricks: You can’t get that expunged? All you did was point your dick out in a playground.
Dale Arbus: I was taking a piss at night. There weren’t no kids…alright. You know what? You don’t put a playground right next to a bar. That’s entrapment.
[as he’s talking Kurt’s attention goes towards a girl walking past their table]
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm. Speaking of entrapment, I’m gonna see that girl about her vagina. Excuse me.
[addressing everyone at the staff meeting]
Dave Harken: So, I have finally decided who I want to be our new senior vice president of sales. He’s right here in this room.
[Nick breaths as he waits for his name to be called out]
Dave Harken: It’s me.
Nick Hendricks: What did he say?
Dave Harken: I’ve decided to absorb the responsibilities of the senior V.P. position into my own. I’ve realized that if you wanna get something done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself. So, I’m gonna be breaking through the wall of the office that would have been the senior V.P.’s and make one huge enormous office. However, I will only be taking eighty five percent of the additional salary I’m entitled to. And that is self-sacrifice people.
[Nick suddenly springs out of his chair and attacks Harken]
Nick Hendricks: Fucker!
[he drags Harken by his tie across the office and then throws him out the window killing him]
[we realize that Nick has just imagined killing Harken and he’s still sat in the staff meeting]
Dave Harken: So, meeting adjourned.
[Nick follows Harken out of the meeting room]
Nick Hendricks: Mr. Harken, can I speak to you?
Dave Harken: Yeah. Sure. What is it?
Nick Hendricks: You know, for months you’ve been hinting that I was in line for that promotion?
Dave Harken: And look how hard you’ve been working.
Nick Hendricks: What, were you just lying to me?
Dave Harken: Lying? No! Nick, motivating. I mean, look we’re all part of the same team here. Plus, you know, I’m the one who’s gonna be doing all the extra work.
Nick Hendricks: You know that last month, you made me work so late I missed saying goodbye to my Gam-Gam.
Dave Harken: I’m sorry, what?
Nick Hendricks: My grandmother. I told you that I needed to see her cause she was very very sick. You said if I left early I would get fired. And she died before I made it into the hospital.
Dave Harken: I’m sorry.
Nick Hendricks: Thank you.
[Harken suddenly bursts into laughter]
Dave Harken: I had no idea that you called your grandmother, Gam-Gam!
[stops himself from laughing so hard]
Dave Harken: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say bye-bye to Gam-Gam.
Dave Harken: Really. I really am sorry! But I needed you to stay here and work late, because you’re an invaluable member of this operation. And I need you in the position that you’re currently in.
Nick Hendricks: Well, tough shit! Okay. I’ve been in that position for eight years now. Why would I stay here after being treated like this?
Dave Harken: Well, because I’d make sure that nobody in the industry would ever hire you again.
Nick Hendricks: Bullshit!
Dave Harken: No. Because they’re gonna want my letter of recommendation, right? So, I’m perfectly willing to write that you are an insubordinate, dishonest, drunk.
Nick Hendricks: You can’t do that! That’s not true.
[Harken steps closer to Nick]
Dave Harken: Let me tell you something. You stupid little runt. I own you. You’re my bitch. So don’t walk around here thinking you have free will, because you don’t. I could crush you anytime I want. So settle in, cause you are here for the long haul.
Bobby Pellit: Yo! Dick-wall! What the fuck?
Kurt Buckman: What?
[Bobby holds out his arm an points to his wrist which has no watch on it]
Bobby Pellit: Three hours late. What’s the deal?
Kurt Buckman: I was at your father’s funeral!
Bobby Pellit: Uh-huh. Uh-hum. Well, maybe that excuse would have fallen when my dad was here. But, I’m in charge now.
Kurt Buckman: That excuse wouldn’t make any sense if your dad was still here.
Bobby Pellit: Woh! In my office, now.
Bobby Pellit: Look, I know you and my dad were uh…were pals, okay? And frankly, I always thought it was a little bit weird and gay and I have no idea why he thought you were so fucking special. But that doesn’t matter now, because he’s in the ground, and guess what? I’m your boss. And there’s gonna be some changes around here.
Kurt Buckman: Can’t wait to hear ’em.
Bobby Pellit: Okay, first things first. Envirotech Waste Management, what the fuck is this about? It’s costing us a lot of money.
Kurt Buckman: You’re dad made the choice to dispose of our chemical waste responsibly. In order to do that you gotta spend a little more money.
Bobby Pellit: Bolivian said they’d do it for a third price. I’m gonna hire them.
Kurt Buckman: No. No. You can’t go them.
Bobby Pellit: Why?
Kurt Buckman: You shouldn’t do it because you’re gonna endanger thousands of local residents.
Bobby Pellit: Oh, I give a fuck some local tribesman gets cancer! Cry me a fucking river!
Kurt Buckman: They’re not tribesmen! It’s a modern society!
Bobby Pellit: Do I look like I fucking care?
Bobby Pellit: Oh, yeah! We gotta trim some of the fat around here.
Kurt Buckman: Trim the…what do you mean by trim the fat?
Bobby Pellit: I want you to fire the fat people.
Kurt Buckman: What?
Bobby Pellit: They’re lazy and they’re slow and they make me sick to look at. You can start with large Marge.
[speaks into his intercom]
Bobby Pellit: Marge, can you come in here please?
Kurt Buckman: No! Margie’s not fat, she’s pregnant! I’m not gonna fire her.
Bobby Pellit: Okay. Fine.
[speaks into his intercom again]
Bobby Pellit: Uh…stay where you are, Marge. Congratulations.
Bobby Pellit: You can fire Professor Xavier.
Kurt Buckman: Who are you talking about?
[he looks over and sees he’s referring to a co-worker in a wheelchair]
Kurt Buckman: You mean Hank?
Bobby Pellit: Yeah. Fucking creeps me out. Roaming around all day in his special little secret chair. I know he’s up to something.
Kurt Buckman: I’m not gonna fire any one, Bobby.
Kurt Buckman: You know, it’s like you don’t care about this company at all.
Bobby Pellit: No fucking shit! I don’t care about this company! What? You…you….this is just an ATM to me! You think when I was a kid I dreamed of running a fucking chemical company? No! I dreamed of being on a beach with a model serving me tropical drinks. That’s what I dreamed of. And it’s exactly what’ gonna happen as soon I squeeze out every bit of profit out of this fucking company. But first things first. Go out and fire the fatty, or you fire the cripple, or I fire all three of ya. Do the math. One loses the job, or three loses it. And tell him to leave his handicap parking pass here as well.
[as she’s sitting in her office with only her white lab coat and panties on]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, I know that I like to fool around at work, right? And…and I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing that I wanna do is…is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it’s just…it’s just not professional. You know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do, is just…is just tell me. You know? When and if uh…I cross the line. Okay?
Dale Arbus: Okay. Now!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Well, now you’re kind of crossing the line. Cause you’re naked.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uuh…not naked, Dale. Can you see my pussy?
Dale Arbus: Mmm! True. Um…but I think uh…even really saying the word ‘pussy’, that’s what…
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That’s crossing the line?
Dale Arbus: A little bit.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Starting to sounds like a little fagot there, Dale.
Dale Arbus: There we go! That one’s a…another one. Probably illegal thing to say too.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Let’s not talk about illegal, Mister I like to pee on little boys.
Dale Arbus: No! It was an empty playground in the middle of the night.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Well, that’s even weirder. That poor child must have been terrified.
Dale Arbus: There were no children! No kids in the park! It was…
[frustrated he mutters under his breath]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re engaged now.
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: And I respect the institution of marriage way too much to violate it. So that’s why you’re gonna have to fuck me well before the wedding. Because the closer we get to this date, the less lady like I’m gonna feel about it.
Dale Arbus: Julia, I’m…I’m not gonna sleep with you.
[she swipes the back of her fingers down the side of his face and then grabs his balls]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: We’ll see about that. Get out.
[commiserating whilst drinking in a bar]
Nick Hendricks: I’m such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me.
Kurt Buckman: That coked up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He’s just gonna fire everybody.
Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. You know, yours doesn’t sound that bad.
[after telling them he’s been out of work for the last two years]
Kenny Sommerfeld: It’s crazy. I can’t even get a job waiting tables. Ah…you know what though? I would fucking murder those Lehman brothers if I could.
Nick Hendricks: Yeah, I hear you.
Kenny Sommerfeld: I can’t even pay for this fucking drink.
Nick Hendricks: Well, we’ll…we’ll cover it, right?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Seriously, uh…you guys think you can help me out here a little bit?
Nick Hendricks: Beyond the drink?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Maybe some extra scratch, if you got it?
Nick Hendricks: Well, of course. Yeah. I had no idea it was that bad, buddy.
[Nick and Kurt take out their wallets and take out some cash Kenny]
Kurt Buckman: That’s fifteen. You have change for a ten?
Kenny Sommerfeld: No, I don’t.
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!
[Nick and Kurt have taken out some cash to give to Kenny]
Kenny Sommerfeld: Um…you know what that’s probably not gonna cut it. So, I’ll tell you what. How about I give you guys some hand jobs?
Dale Arbus: What?
Nick Hendricks: What?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Forty bucks a piece, we could do it right here in the bathroom.
Nick Hendricks: No, thanks.
Dale Arbus: That’s a joke, right? You’re joking?
Kurt Buckman: Kenny!
[the bartender shouts across to Kenny]
Bartender: Hey!
Kenny Sommerfeld: Shit!
Bartender: Come on, man! I told you no more hand me’s in here!
[to Nick, Kurt and Dale]
Kenny Sommerfeld: If you guys change your mind, I’m staying at my mum’s house.
[he takes the cash off the table and quickly leaves]
Kurt Buckman: So I guess we’re just gonna be miserable for the rest of our lives, huh? That’s the deal?
Nick Hendricks: Yep. That’s where it’s lookin’.
Dale Arbus: Well, why is that? Why are you saying that?
Kurt Buckman: Well, what do you mean? We don’t have many options, do we? Think about it, we can quit our jobs and turn into Kenny. Or uh…keep our jobs and just become spineless losers that end up spending their entire day dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.
Nick Hendricks: You do that too?
Kurt Buckman: Of course!
Dale Arbus: Sounds a little sick.
Kurt Buckman: It’s not sick. It’s just a little way to blow off steam.
Nick Hendricks: It’s not like we’re gonna actually kill our bosses.
Kurt Buckman: Hypothetically, if we could do it and none of us get caught, would you guys do it?
Dale Arbus: No!
Kurt Buckman: I would.
Nick Hendricks: No, you wouldn’t.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, I would.
Dale Arbus: You would?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! It’s not murder if it’s justified. Justifiable homicide, that’s the thing, right?
Nick Hendricks: Okay, and where did you here this?
Kurt Buckman: If one evil person has to die for the greater good, so be it. You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute monster! Fucking jerk! You know if he has his way, he’s gonna end up killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Technically, I think it’s immoral for me not to kill him.
Dale Arbus: I don’t care how bad our bosses are, I mean, we’re not murderers.
Kurt Buckman: Julia is ruining your life. You know? That’s wrong.
That is wrong.
Kurt Buckman: You know, it’s effecting you’re…you’re possible marriage.
Dale Arbus: Come on! She’s not ruining it.
Kurt Buckman: Would your life be easier without Julia in it?
Dale Arbus: Okay, you’re right! Uh…you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go to Julia’s house, maybe I’ll slash her up and I’ll out her in a box and I’ll mail it to you two uh…tough mafioso’s! I’m done with this conversation.
[pointing to Nick]
Dale Arbus: And you’re paying for dinner, cause you’ve upset me. You’re paying and I’m finding a cab, somehow.
[he gets up and leaves]
Kurt Buckman: I was just speaking hypothetically you know.
Nick Hendricks: Me too.
[as soon as Stacy becomes unconscious in the dental chair, Julia attacks Dale ]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re gonna give me that dong, Dale.
Dale Arbus: Dong?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re gonna fuck my slutty little mouth.
Dale Arbus: You hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that?
Dale Arbus: Damn you! That’s it! Okay! You know what? That’s crossing the line! So, I’m done, Julia! Fuck this! I’m out! I don’t need this job. So, goodbye. I’m quitting. I’m done.
[referring to Stacy]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: I’m gonna tell her you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: What?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: If you don’t fuck me, I’m gonna tell her that you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want. She’s not gonna believe you.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: She already knows that you’re a sex offender. And I think once she gets a look at these, she’s gonna believe me.
[she holds up her iPad]
[shows Dale pictures of him and her naked together whilst he was unconscious]
Dale Arbus: You did all this while I was unconscious?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oooh. Mm-hmm. Yep.
[she closes up on one of the pictures of them together in a really compromising position]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Haaa! Ah, that’s my favorite!
Dale Arbus: Rape.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Rape. Rape. That’s a rape! This is what raping is! You…you’re a rapper! You raped me! That’s a rape! Rape!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Just relax there, Jodie Foster. You’re dick wasn’t even hard.
Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: But it will be next time. And if it is not?
[pointing to an unconscious Stacy in the dental chair]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: This little sweetheart right here, is gonna get a peek of my little photo album.
[Dale and Kurt are trying to convince Nick to seriously kill their bosses]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, come on! Seriously. I mean uh…what about your grandma? You know, Boobie?
Nick Hendricks: Gam-Gam.
Kurt Buckman: Whatever it is. She didn’t get to say goodbye to her favorite grandson. Why? Because his dickbag of a boss wouldn’t let him leave. Right? What would Gam-Gam want you to do?
Nick Hendricks: She wouldn’t want me to kill him.
Kurt Buckman: Okay, forget about Gam-Gam. She’s dead. You gotta accept that.
Dale Arbus: We gotta hire a professional.
Nick Hendricks: Are you talking about a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. That’s a really good idea. Yeah! I mean, we don’t clean up our apartments or cut our own hair. No, we pay someone to do that.
Nick Hendricks: Hey, uh…where are you two gonna find a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Why don’t you guys leave that up to me. Okay? I got this whole thing figured out. I’ll give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet me.
Kurt Buckman: Why don’t you just tell us now?
Dale Arbus: Cause I don’t have it figured out.
Kurt Buckman: Ah!
Dale Arbus: But I will.
[meeting at a motel room]
Nick Hendricks: What are we doing here, hey?
Kurt Buckman: Well, I don’t want an assassin in my apartment.
Dale Arbus: We don’t want this guy knowing where we live, right? Use your head.
Nick Hendricks: Hang on a second, you guys already went ahead and found someone?
Dale Arbus: Oh!
Nick Hendricks: And he’s coming here?
Dale Arbus: Big time!
Kurt Buckman: Not we! Dale.
Nick Hendricks: You found a hitman online?
Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[shows him what he’s found on his laptop]
Dale Arbus: I mean they don’t write hitman, right? Cause that’s dumb. So, they use little code words, like ‘wet work’, right? ‘Liquidation’. Check him out.
[reading the ad on the web site Dale’s found]
Nick Hendricks: Skilled professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet work. Fast and discreet. No children or political figures.
Kurt Buckman: That last part was important to me. When I saw that I thought, okay, this is a good idea.
Dale Arbus: I still feel like we should have got a cheese plate or something for this guy. Just to make him feel…
[looking out the motel window to watch the hitman Dale’s hired online]
Kurt Buckman: Oh! He looks like James Bond.
Dale Arbus: He really does, dude! I bet he carries one of those guns you screw together.
Kurt Buckman: Yes!
[referring to the hitman Dale’s found online and is now approaching their motel room]
Nick Hendricks: This is so dangerous! What if…what if that is an undercover cop?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, come on!
Nick Hendricks: Or better than that. What if he’s the real thing and charges so much money we can’t afford it, he gets pissed off, kills us?
Dale Arbus: He’s not gonna kill us!
Kurt Buckman: You what?
Dale Arbus: Hold on!
Kurt Buckman: That’s the thing.
Dale Arbus: Could that happen?
[they hear a knock on their motel room door]
Nick Hendricks: Better let him now.
Kurt Buckman: Okay. How’s my hair?
Nick Hendricks: What do you mean, how’s your hair?
Kurt Buckman: Doesn’t matter. Okay. Let’s do this.
Wetwork Man: Are all three of you participating in this?
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Nick Hendricks: Well, uh…
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yep! Yep!
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Wetwork Man: Very well. Now, before we go any further, I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in the room. I will find out if there are.
Kurt Buckman: You know, we…
Dale Arbus: I’m sure you would, but there’s none.
Kurt Buckman: We would never…
Dale Arbus: Because that would be stupid of us. And we’re not stupid.
Kurt Buckman: Silly move.
Nick Hendricks: That’s a no.
Wetwork Man: Then let’s get started.
[referring to the large plastic sheet Wetwork man has just laid on the floor]
Kurt Buckman: What’s this for?
Wetwork Man: For the mess.
Kurt Buckman: What?
Wetwork Man: Wouldn’t want to leave a stain now, would we?
Nick Hendricks: Oh, my God! I knew it!
Dale Arbus: Who’s first?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No!
Dale Arbus: Who’s first? No! We don’t
Kurt Buckman: We don’t want you to kill us!
Dale Arbus: We want you to kill another person.
Wetwork Man: What are you talking about?
Dale Arbus: Your…your ad said you do wet work.
Wetwork Man: That’s correct. I urinate on other men for money.
Kurt Buckman: What was that?
Nick Hendricks: What did he say?
Dale Arbus: I think he said he pisses on dudes!
Wetwork Man: Why else do you think my ad was in the men seeking men section?
Nick Hendricks: Where was that?
[turning to Dale]
Kurt Buckman: You fucking idiot!
Nick Hendricks: Could you be dumber!
Kurt Buckman: Why were you looking in the men seeking men…?
Dale Arbus: We…are…men…looking… for… a…man!
Nick Hendricks: How do people let you work on their teeth?
Dale Arbus: They don’t actually. I just hand the tools to Julia.
Wetwork Man: I’ve driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh! Well, it’s not our thing.
Kurt Buckman: Sorry about that.
Wetwork Man: Can I use your toilet? I stored up a rather large amount of pee for this
Kurt Buckman: Sure. Yeah. It’s right through there.
[referring to Wetwork Man peeing in their toilet]
Nick Hendricks: You know what’s going on in there?
Dale Arbus: Yeah. Let’ just…
Nick Hendricks: That was almost all over us!
[as Kurt is driving them]
Dale Arbus: It was an honest mistake!
Kurt Buckman: It’s not how you find a killer.
Dale Arbus: Oh, you know how to find a killer?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! I bet I do. Yeah, you know what? I got an idea.
[he touches a button to contact on his navigation system]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Nick Hendricks: What are you doing?
[a voice with an Indian accent comes through the navigation system]
Atmanand: Good evening, Mr. Buckman. Thank you for contacting Nav Guide. My name is Gregory. How may I be of service this evening?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, Gregory, me and my buddies are looking for the most dangerous bar in this city. Can you help us out please?
Total Quotes: 110
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