Horrible Bosses Quotes – ‘We all have clear motives for killing our bosses.’

Starring: Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Charlie Day, Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, P.J. Byrne, Julie Bowen

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story:

Black comedy directed by Seth Gordon, in which the story follows three friends, Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale (Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis), who are being oppressed by their awful bosses. Quitting their jobs is not an option, so fueled by alcohol and dubious advice from a criminal, Dean ‘MF’ Jones (Jamie Foxx), the men devise a complex and seemingly foolproof plan to permanently rid themselves of their terrible bosses. The problem is, any plan is only as clever as the brains behind it.

Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 110)

[first lines; as Nick is rushing to get to the office]
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] I get to work before the sun comes up and I leave long after it’s gone down. I haven’t had sex in six months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell. But here’s the thing, this is just temporary.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks! You know why she didn’t succeed? Because she didn’t take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you this in business school, is taking shit. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last eight years and it’s all about to pay off.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] I’m this close to getting a big promotion, with my own office. Then all the endless hours, and the sacrifice, and the shit eating will have been worth it.

[pausing the security video of Nick standing by the elevator]
Dave Harken: See, this is what concerns me, Nick. You’re a punctual guy. You know the importance of being here right at six a.m., which is what leads me to think that, there must be something wrong with the internal clock on our security system.
Nick Hendricks: May have been a minute late.
Dave Harken: But according to this, you were two minutes late. So either you’re a liar, or this system is off by a full minute.
Nick Hendricks: [voice over] The only hitch, I work for this guy. David Harken. Who right now is giving me some fresh shit for being two minutes late. He’s a ‘total fucking asshole’.

[getting dropped off to work by his fiancé, Stacy]
Dale Arbus: [voice over] When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I always gave the same answer.
[he kisses Stacy and they say I love you to each other]
Dale Arbus: [voice over] I wanted to be a husband. I know that sounds weird. Most boys want to be fire house chiefs or personal trainers, but to me being a husband was like the highest calling. And thanks to Stacy, that dream’s about to come true.

Dale Arbus: [voice over] Unfortunately, no one’s going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. So, I had to find a job. Now, I always admired dentists. They’re smart, they’re capable, they keep your teeth healthy. So I went out and I became one.

Dale Arbus: [voice over] Okay, I became a dental assistant. It’s basically the same thing. I just make a lot less money.

[whilst assisting his boss]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Do you ever see that show, Gossip Girl?
Dale Arbus: No.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Mmm, I watched an episode last night. I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy, broke a nail.
Dale Arbus: [voice over] And it would have been the perfect job, if not for one ‘evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.’.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: I bet you’re no shrimp in the cock department, huh Dale?
Dale Arbus: Okay, Julia. Come on!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: I’m not comfortable talking about that.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, Dale! Come on! You know that I like to fool around
[she takes the hand of the patient and places it on her breast]
Dale Arbus: Oops!
[to the patient]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Mr. Anderton! Not in the office! This is bad!
[hitting the patients hand]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Bad! Bad! Bad!
Dale Arbus: Probably shouldn’t hit the patients.

Kurt Buckman: [voice over] I love my job. If you ask me, anyone who hates their job has no one to blame but themself. We make our own destinies, and I’ve made a sweet one here. I’m an account manager at a chemical company. And I’ll tell you something, the job has its perks.

[flirting with the FedEx delivery girl delivering some packages]
Kurt Buckman: So, what’s going on here?
Jamie: Sorry?
Kurt Buckman: Is this one of those hidden camera shows?
Jamie: What do you mean?
Kurt Buckman: What I mean is that you’re way too cute to be just a FedEx girl. I mean, you got to be like a model or actress or something, right? Like what happens when I open up one of these boxes? Someone going to jump out and bite me in the penis?
Jamie: No! Nothing’s, nothing’s going to jump out. I’m just a FedEx girl.
Kurt Buckman: Shut up!
[she laughs and turns to leave]
Jamie: Bye.
Kurt Buckman: Have a great afternoon.
Jamie: Thank you.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] I didn’t actually sign form by the way. So she has to come back.

Kurt Buckman: [voice over] But the real reason I’m here, is this guy. Jack Pellit, my boss. The sweetest man I know. He loves me and I love him. Everybody loves him.

[as Bobby comes out of the toilet]
Jack Pellit: Bobby?
Bobby Pellit: What?
Jack Pellit: Is everything okay? You seem to be spending more time in the toilet than you do at your desk.
Bobby Pellit: I didn’t, I didn’t realize I had to tell you every time I want to take a dump.
Kurt Buckman: [voice over] And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my bosses ‘dipshit cokehead son’, well it’s a small price to pay.

Bobby Pellit: You need me to tell you when I’m going to pee-pee?
Jack Pellit: I’m just trying to get you do your part, son. It’s not easy times you know.
Bobby Pellit: I do my part. I do other people’s parts. But it doesn’t matter to you, cause you just want to ride on my ass because I’m your son.
[pointing to Kurt]
Bobby Pellit: You know what? I don’t hear you giving, dick-skin, any shit.
Kurt Buckman: Dick-skin. Nice.
Bobby Pellit: Kiss ass.
[motioning to Kurt to come into his office]
Jack Pellit: Come on. Come on.
Bobby Pellit: Yeah. Go on. In you go. Get in! Fucking…
[moves his hands about in karate chop motion]
Bobby Pellit: I’m a green belt, motherfucker.
Kurt Buckman: What?

[pouring some scotch into a glass]
Dave Harken: Oh! You want?
Nick Hendricks: It’s eight fifteen a.m.!
Dave Harken: What? Is there something wrong with a manager drinking in the morning?
Nick Hendricks: No. Thank you. Sure. Thanks.
[he hands Nick the glass of scotch]
Dave Harken: Bottoms up.
Nick Hendricks: Nothing for you?
Dave Harken: Nick, it’s eight fifteen in the morning, I’m not an alcoholic.
Nick Hendricks: Mr. Harken, the only reason I took one because I thought you were going to have one, so…
Dave Harken: You took one because you thought I was going to have one? Is that something you think a senior V.P. would do?
Nick Hendricks: I was just trying to be polite.
Dave Harken: So, what? If I, uh, was going to put balls in honey and shaved coconut, you’d do that too?
Nick Hendricks: I would not.
Dave Harken: Sure?
Nick Hendricks: Yeah.
Dave Harken: Cause I’ve got some coconut.

Dave Harken: Look, if you want a promotion, you got to earn it. Now, what do I keep saying? Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting on a few Band-Aids on your nipple. Right?
Nick Hendricks: Right.
[Nick turns to walk out of his office]
Dave Harken: Nick, it’s eighteen year old scotch. You don’t really expect me to pour it back into the bottle, do you?
[Nick reluctantly goes back and picks up the glass of scotch and drinks the whole lot]

[Dale hands Julia the dental water spray]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Alright, let see if this thing is working.
[she sprays Dale in the crotch with the dental water spray]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Ooh!
Dale Arbus: Oh, my God!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh! I’m sorry. I’m a squirter, Dale. Oh, you know what? I think, I can make out our little friend right there!
[she squirts him in the crotch again with the water spray]
Dale Arbus: Stop it!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Shabbat Shalom, somebody’s circumcised!

Dale Arbus: Can we stop doing this thing here?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Why? Because you have a girlfriend?
Dale Arbus: Well, she’s not just my girlfriend anymore. We’re engaged now.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: We’re engaged.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You said that she was just a hole for your dick.
Dale Arbus: I never said that. That’s not even my style.

[referring to his boss]
Kurt Buckman: He had a heart attack. They said his, um, heart burst in his chest like a water balloon.
Dale Arbus: My God! I’m sorry, man. I know you guys were close.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy. I loved working for him, you know? It’s like awesome. Now his shitbag son is going to be in charge. And it’s like…
Dale Arbus: That the cokehead?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Do you know how many times I’ve caught him doing blow at work?
Nick Hendricks: This whole thing’s a real bummer, Kurt. I’m so sorry. You’re the only one of us who didn’t completely hate his job.

Nick Hendricks: Did I tell you that Harken tricked me into having a drink at eight o’clock this morning. I mean, I work for the anti-Christ!
Kurt Buckman: How did he trick you?
Dale Arbus: I thought he was going to give you a promotion!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah. No, he is. That’s his way of being extra evil. He knows this is the last chance he has to make my life miserable.

Dale Arbus: At least your boss isn’t sexually harassing you.
Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically] Oh, my God! I hear you on that one.
Dale Arbus: Don’t give me shit!
Nick Hendricks: You’ll never get any sympathy out of us for this.
Dale Arbus: She’s going crazy! It’s like a totally hostile working environment there, man. It’s not funny!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah?
Dale Arbus: Alright, check it out. Today, she started spraying water at my crotch so she could see the outline of my dick.
Kurt Buckman: That’s great!
Dale Arbus: It’s not great!
Kurt Buckman: What are you talking about? Why don’t you just, you know, just fuck her?
Dale Arbus: Because I’m engaged to be married and I love my fiancé, okay?

[explaining why he can’t get another job]
Dale Arbus: I’m on the registered sex offenders list, yes!
[Kurt laughs]
Nick Hendricks: You can’t get that expunged? All you did was point your dick out in a playground.
Dale Arbus: I was taking a piss at night. There weren’t no kids, alright. You know what? You don’t put a playground right next to a bar. That’s entrapment.
[as he’s talking Kurt’s attention goes towards a girl walking past their table]
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm. Speaking of entrapment, I’m going to see that girl about her vagina. Excuse me.

[addressing everyone at the staff meeting]
Dave Harken: So, I have finally decided who I want to be our new senior vice president of sales. He’s right here in this room.
[Nick breaths as he waits for his name to be called out]
Dave Harken: It’s me.
Nick Hendricks: What did he say?
Dave Harken: I’ve decided to absorb the responsibilities of the senior V.P. position into my own. I’ve realized that if you want to get something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. So, I’m going to be breaking through the wall of the office that would have been the senior V.P.’s and make one huge enormous office. However, I will only be taking eighty five percent of the additional salary I’m entitled to. And that is self-sacrifice people.
[Nick suddenly springs out of his chair and attacks Harken]
Nick Hendricks: Fucker!
[he drags Harken by his tie across the office and then throws him out the window killing him]

[we realize that Nick has just imagined killing Harken and he’s still sat in the staff meeting]
Dave Harken: So, meeting adjourned.
[Nick follows Harken out of the meeting room]
Nick Hendricks: Mr. Harken, can I speak to you?
Dave Harken: Yeah. Sure. What is it?
Nick Hendricks: You know, for months you’ve been hinting that I was in line for that promotion?
Dave Harken: And look how hard you’ve been working.
Nick Hendricks: What, were you just lying to me?
Dave Harken: Lying? No! Nick, motivating. I mean, look we’re all part of the same team here. Plus, you know, I’m the one who’s going to be doing all the extra work.

Nick Hendricks: You know that last month, you made me work so late I missed saying goodbye to my Gam-Gam.
Dave Harken: I’m sorry, what?
Nick Hendricks: My grandmother. I told you that I needed to see her cause she was very very sick. You said if I left early I would get fired. And she died before I made it into the hospital.
Dave Harken: I’m sorry.
Nick Hendricks: Thank you.
[Harken suddenly bursts into laughter]
Dave Harken: I had no idea that you called your grandmother, Gam-Gam!
[stops himself from laughing so hard]
Dave Harken: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say bye-bye to Gam-Gam.

Dave Harken: Really. I really am sorry! But I needed you to stay here and work late, because you’re an invaluable member of this operation. And I need you in the position that you’re currently in.
Nick Hendricks: Well, tough shit! Okay. I’ve been in that position for eight years now. Why would I stay here after being treated like this?
Dave Harken: Well, because I’d make sure that nobody in the industry would ever hire you again.
Nick Hendricks: Bullshit!
Dave Harken: No. Because they’re going to want my letter of recommendation, right? So, I’m perfectly willing to write that you are an insubordinate, dishonest, drunk.
Nick Hendricks: You can’t do that! That’s not true.
[Harken steps closer to Nick]
Dave Harken: Let me tell you something. You stupid little runt. I own you. You’re my bitch. So don’t walk around here thinking you have free will, because you don’t. I could crush you anytime I want. So settle in, cause you are here for the long haul.

Bobby Pellit: Yo! Dick-wall! What the fuck?
Kurt Buckman: What?
[Bobby holds out his arm an points to his wrist which has no watch on it]
Bobby Pellit: Three hours late. What’s the deal?
Kurt Buckman: I was at your father’s funeral!
Bobby Pellit: Uh-huh. Uh-hum. Well, maybe that excuse would have fallen when my dad was here. But, I’m in charge now.
Kurt Buckman: That excuse wouldn’t make any sense if your dad was still here.
Bobby Pellit: Woh! In my office, now.

Bobby Pellit: Look, I know you and my dad were, uh, were pals, okay? And frankly, I always thought it was a little bit weird and gay and I have no idea why he thought you were so fucking special. But that doesn’t matter now, because he’s in the ground, and guess what? I’m your boss. And there’s going to be some changes around here.
Kurt Buckman: Can’t wait to hear them.
Bobby Pellit: Okay, first things first. Envirotech Waste Management, what the fuck is this about? It’s costing us a lot of money.
Kurt Buckman: You’re dad made the choice to dispose of our chemical waste responsibly. In order to do that you got to spend a little more money.
Bobby Pellit: Bolivian said they’d do it for a third price. I’m going to hire them.
Kurt Buckman: No. No. You can’t go them.
Bobby Pellit: Why?
Kurt Buckman: You shouldn’t do it because you’re going to endanger thousands of local residents.
Bobby Pellit: Oh, I give a fuck some local tribesman gets cancer! Cry me a fucking river!
Kurt Buckman: They’re not tribesmen! It’s a modern society!
Bobby Pellit: Do I look like I fucking care?

Bobby Pellit: Oh, yeah! We got to trim some of the fat around here.
Kurt Buckman: Trim the, what do you mean by trim the fat?
Bobby Pellit: I want you to fire the fat people.
Kurt Buckman: What?
Bobby Pellit: They’re lazy and they’re slow and they make me sick to look at. You can start with large Marge.
[speaks into his intercom]
Bobby Pellit: Marge, can you come in here please?
Kurt Buckman: No! Margie’s not fat, she’s pregnant! I’m not going to fire her.
Bobby Pellit: Okay. Fine.
[speaks into his intercom again]
Bobby Pellit: Uh, stay where you are, Marge. Congratulations.

Bobby Pellit: You can fire Professor Xavier.
Kurt Buckman: Who are you talking about?
[he looks over and sees he’s referring to a co-worker in a wheelchair]
Kurt Buckman: You mean Hank?
Bobby Pellit: Yeah. Fucking creeps me out. Roaming around all day in his special little secret chair. I know he’s up to something.
Kurt Buckman: I’m not going to fire any one, Bobby.

Kurt Buckman: You know, it’s like you don’t care about this company at all.
Bobby Pellit: No fucking shit! I don’t care about this company! What? You, this is just an ATM to me! You think when I was a kid I dreamed of running a fucking chemical company? No! I dreamed of being on a beach with a model serving me tropical drinks. That’s what I dreamed of. And it’s exactly what’ going to happen as soon I squeeze out every bit of profit out of this fucking company. But first things first. Go out and fire the fatty, or you fire the cripple, or I fire all three of you. Do the math. One loses the job, or three loses it. And tell him to leave his handicap parking pass here as well.

[as she’s sitting in her office with only her white lab coat and panties on]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, I know that I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing that I want to do is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it’s just, it’s just not professional. You know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do, is just, is just tell me. You know? When and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?
Dale Arbus: Okay. Now!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Well, now you’re kind of crossing the line. Cause you’re naked.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uh, not naked, Dale. Can you see my pussy?
Dale Arbus: Mmm! True. Um, but I think, uh, even really saying the word ‘pussy’, that’s what…
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That’s crossing the line?
Dale Arbus: A little bit.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Starting to sounds like a little fagot there, Dale.
Dale Arbus: There we go! That one’s another one. Probably illegal thing to say too.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Let’s not talk about illegal, Mister I like to pee on little boys.
Dale Arbus: No! It was an empty playground in the middle of the night.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Well, that’s even weirder. That poor child must have been terrified.
Dale Arbus: There were no children! No kids in the park! It was…
[frustrated he mutters under his breath]

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re engaged now.
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: And I respect the institution of marriage way too much to violate it. So that’s why you’re going to have to fuck me well before the wedding. Because the closer we get to this date, the less lady like I’m going to feel about it.
Dale Arbus: Julia, I’m not going to sleep with you.
[she swipes the back of her fingers down the side of his face and then grabs his balls]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: We’ll see about that. Get out.

[commiserating whilst drinking in a bar]
Nick Hendricks: I’m such a sucker! Harken was never going to promote me.
Kurt Buckman: That coked up prick is going to ruin Pellit Chemicals. He’s just going to fire everybody.
Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. You know, yours doesn’t sound that bad.

[after telling them he’s been out of work for the last two years]
Kenny Sommerfeld: It’s crazy. I can’t even get a job waiting tables. Ah, you know what though? I would fucking murder those Lehman brothers if I could.
Nick Hendricks: Yeah, I hear you.
Kenny Sommerfeld: I can’t even pay for this fucking drink.
Nick Hendricks: Well, we’ll, we’ll cover it, right?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Seriously, uh, you guys think you can help me out here a little bit?
Nick Hendricks: Beyond the drink?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Maybe some extra scratch, if you got it?
Nick Hendricks: Well, of course. Yeah. I had no idea it was that bad, buddy.
[Nick and Kurt take out their wallets and take out some cash Kenny]
Kurt Buckman: That’s fifteen. You have change for a ten?
Kenny Sommerfeld: No, I don’t.
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!

[Nick and Kurt have taken out some cash to give to Kenny]
Kenny Sommerfeld: Um, you know what that’s probably not going to cut it. So, I’ll tell you what. How about I give you guys some hand jobs?
Dale Arbus: What?
Nick Hendricks: What?
Kenny Sommerfeld: Forty bucks a piece, we could do it right here in the bathroom.
Nick Hendricks: No, thanks.
Dale Arbus: That’s a joke, right? You’re joking?
Kurt Buckman: Kenny!
[the bartender shouts across to Kenny]
Bartender: Hey!
Kenny Sommerfeld: Shit!
Bartender: Come on, man! I told you no more hand me’s in here!
[to Nick, Kurt and Dale]
Kenny Sommerfeld: If you guys change your mind, I’m staying at my mum’s house.
[he takes the cash off the table and quickly leaves]

Kurt Buckman: So I guess we’re just going to be miserable for the rest of our lives, huh? That’s the deal?
Nick Hendricks: Yep. That’s where it’s looking.
Dale Arbus: Well, why is that? Why are you saying that?
Kurt Buckman: Well, what do you mean? We don’t have many options, do we? Think about it, we can quit our jobs and turn into Kenny. Or, uh, keep our jobs and just become spineless losers that end up spending their entire day dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.
Nick Hendricks: You do that too?
Kurt Buckman: Of course!
Dale Arbus: Sounds a little sick.
Kurt Buckman: It’s not sick. It’s just a little way to blow off steam.
Nick Hendricks: It’s not like we’re going to actually kill our bosses.

Kurt Buckman: Hypothetically, if we could do it and none of us get caught, would you guys do it?
Dale Arbus: No!
Kurt Buckman: I would.
Nick Hendricks: No, you wouldn’t.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, I would.
Dale Arbus: You would?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! It’s not murder if it’s justified. Justifiable homicide, that’s the thing, right?
Nick Hendricks: Okay, and where did you here this?
Kurt Buckman: If one evil person has to die for the greater good, so be it. You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute monster! Fucking jerk! You know if he has his way, he’s going to end up killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Technically, I think it’s immoral for me not to kill him.

Dale Arbus: I don’t care how bad our bosses are, I mean, we’re not murderers.
Kurt Buckman: Julia is ruining your life. You know? That’s wrong.
That is wrong.
Kurt Buckman: You know, it’s effecting you’re, you’re possible marriage.
Dale Arbus: Come on! She’s not ruining it.
Kurt Buckman: Would your life be easier without Julia in it?
Dale Arbus: Okay, you’re right! Uh, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go to Julia’s house, maybe I’ll slash her up and I’ll out her in a box and I’ll mail it to you two, uh, tough mafioso’s! I’m done with this conversation.
[pointing to Nick]
Dale Arbus: And you’re paying for dinner, cause you’ve upset me. You’re paying and I’m finding a cab, somehow.
[he gets up and leaves]
Kurt Buckman: I was just speaking hypothetically you know.
Nick Hendricks: Me too.

[as soon as Stacy becomes unconscious in the dental chair, Julia attacks Dale ]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re going to give me that dong, Dale.
Dale Arbus: Dong?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You’re going to fuck my slutty little mouth.
Dale Arbus: You hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that?

Dale Arbus: Damn you! That’s it! Okay! You know what? That’s crossing the line! So, I’m done, Julia! Fuck this! I’m out! I don’t need this job. So, goodbye. I’m quitting. I’m done.
[referring to Stacy]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: I’m going to tell her you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: What?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: If you don’t fuck me, I’m going to tell her that you fucked me.
Dale Arbus: Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want. She’s not going to believe you.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: She already knows that you’re a sex offender. And I think once she gets a look at these, she’s going to believe me.
[she holds up her iPad]

[shows Dale pictures of him and her naked together whilst he was unconscious]
Dale Arbus: You did all this while I was unconscious?
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oooh. Mm-hmm. Yep.
[she closes up on one of the pictures of them together in a really compromising position]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Haaa! Ah, that’s my favorite!
Dale Arbus: Rape.
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
Dale Arbus: Rape. Rape. That’s a rape! This is what raping is! You’re a rapper! You raped me! That’s a rape! Rape!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Just relax there, Jodie Foster. You’re dick wasn’t even hard.
Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief!
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: But it will be next time. And if it is not?
[pointing to an unconscious Stacy in the dental chair]
Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: This little sweetheart right here, is going to get a peek of my little photo album.

[Dale and Kurt are trying to convince Nick to seriously kill their bosses]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, come on! Seriously. I mean, uh, what about your grandma? You know, Boobie?
Nick Hendricks: Gam-Gam.
Kurt Buckman: Whatever it is. She didn’t get to say goodbye to her favorite grandson. Why? Because his dickbag of a boss wouldn’t let him leave. Right? What would Gam-Gam want you to do?
Nick Hendricks: She wouldn’t want me to kill him.
Kurt Buckman: Okay, forget about Gam-Gam. She’s dead. You got to accept that.

Dale Arbus: We got to hire a professional.
Nick Hendricks: Are you talking about a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. That’s a really good idea. Yeah! I mean, we don’t clean up our apartments or cut our own hair. No, we pay someone to do that.
Nick Hendricks: Hey, uh, where are you two going to find a hitman?
Dale Arbus: Why don’t you guys leave that up to me. Okay? I got this whole thing figured out. I’ll give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet me.
Kurt Buckman: Why don’t you just tell us now?
Dale Arbus: Cause I don’t have it figured out.
Kurt Buckman: Ah!
Dale Arbus: But I will.

[meeting at a motel room]
Nick Hendricks: What are we doing here, hey?
Kurt Buckman: Well, I don’t want an assassin in my apartment.
Dale Arbus: We don’t want this guy knowing where we live, right? Use your head.
Nick Hendricks: Hang on a second, you guys already went ahead and found someone?
Dale Arbus: Oh!
Nick Hendricks: And he’s coming here?
Dale Arbus: Big time!
Kurt Buckman: Not we! Dale.

Nick Hendricks: You found a hitman online?
Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[shows him what he’s found on his laptop]
Dale Arbus: I mean they don’t write hitman, right? Cause that’s dumb. So, they use little code words, like ‘wet work’, right? ‘Liquidation’. Check him out.
[reading the ad on the web site Dale’s found]
Nick Hendricks: Skilled professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet work. Fast and discreet. No children or political figures.
Kurt Buckman: That last part was important to me. When I saw that I thought, okay, this is a good idea.
Dale Arbus: I still feel like we should have got a cheese plate or something for this guy. Just to make him feel…

[looking out the motel window to watch the hitman Dale’s hired online]
Kurt Buckman: Oh! He looks like James Bond.
Dale Arbus: He really does, dude! I bet he carries one of those guns you screw together.
Kurt Buckman: Yes!

[referring to the hitman Dale’s found online and is now approaching their motel room]
Nick Hendricks: This is so dangerous! What if, what if that is an undercover cop?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, come on!
Nick Hendricks: Or better than that. What if he’s the real thing and charges so much money we can’t afford it, he gets pissed off, kills us?
Dale Arbus: He’s not going to kill us!
Kurt Buckman: You what?
Dale Arbus: Hold on!
Kurt Buckman: That’s the thing.
Dale Arbus: Could that happen?
[they hear a knock on their motel room door]
Nick Hendricks: Better let him now.
Kurt Buckman: Okay. How’s my hair?
Nick Hendricks: What do you mean, how’s your hair?
Kurt Buckman: Doesn’t matter. Okay. Let’s do this.

Wetwork Man: Are all three of you participating in this?
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Nick Hendricks: Well, uh…
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yep! Yep!
Dale Arbus: Yes.
Wetwork Man: Very well. Now, before we go any further, I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in the room. I will find out if there are.
Kurt Buckman: You know, we…
Dale Arbus: I’m sure you would, but there’s none.
Kurt Buckman: We would never…
Dale Arbus: Because that would be stupid of us. And we’re not stupid.
Kurt Buckman: Silly move.
Nick Hendricks: That’s a no.
Wetwork Man: Then let’s get started.

[referring to the large plastic sheet Wetwork man has just laid on the floor]
Kurt Buckman: What’s this for?
Wetwork Man: For the mess.
Kurt Buckman: What?
Wetwork Man: Wouldn’t want to leave a stain now, would we?
Nick Hendricks: Oh, my God! I knew it!
Dale Arbus: Who’s first?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No!
Dale Arbus: Who’s first? No! We don’t
Kurt Buckman: We don’t want you to kill us!
Dale Arbus: We want you to kill another person.

Wetwork Man: What are you talking about?
Dale Arbus: Your ad said you do wet work.
Wetwork Man: That’s correct. I urinate on other men for money.
Kurt Buckman: What was that?
Nick Hendricks: What did he say?
Dale Arbus: I think he said he pisses on dudes!
Wetwork Man: Why else do you think my ad was in the men seeking men section?
Nick Hendricks: Where was that?
[turning to Dale]
Kurt Buckman: You fucking idiot!
Nick Hendricks: Could you be dumber!
Kurt Buckman: Why were you looking in the men seeking men…?
Dale Arbus: We are men looking for a man!
Nick Hendricks: How do people let you work on their teeth?
Dale Arbus: They don’t actually. I just hand the tools to Julia.

Wetwork Man: I’ve driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh! Well, it’s not our thing.
Kurt Buckman: Sorry about that.
Wetwork Man: Can I use your toilet? I stored up a rather large amount of pee for this
Kurt Buckman: Sure. Yeah. It’s right through there.

[referring to Wetwork Man peeing in their toilet]
Nick Hendricks: You know what’s going on in there?
Dale Arbus: Yeah. Let’ just…
Nick Hendricks: That was almost all over us!

[as Kurt is driving them]
Dale Arbus: It was an honest mistake!
Kurt Buckman: It’s not how you find a killer.
Dale Arbus: Oh, you know how to find a killer?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah! I bet I do. Yeah, you know what? I got an idea.
[he touches a button to contact on his navigation system]
Dale Arbus: What are you doing?
Nick Hendricks: What are you doing?
[a voice with an Indian accent comes through the navigation system]
Atmanand: Good evening, Mr. Buckman. Thank you for contacting Nav Guide. My name is Gregory. How may I be of service this evening?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, Gregory, me and my buddies are looking for the most dangerous bar in this city. Can you help us out please?

See more Horrible Bosses Quotes

[speaking to the Nav Guide]
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, we’re looking for a bar filled with you know, criminals, low-life thugs, hard-core shit heads. What have you got for us?
Nick Hendricks: We’re going to a restaurant right now.
Atmanand: I’m afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir. I do see there’s an Applebee’s three blocks from your current location.
Nick Hendricks: Perfect.
Kurt Buckman: No, not really helpful. They’re not exactly the kind of shit heads we need. Anything else?
Atmanand: Well, I could direct you to a neighborhood with a greatest number of carjackings.
Kurt Buckman: Now we’re thinking outside the box.

[as Kurt is driving them to a dangerous area of town to find their killer]
Nick Hendricks: This is worse than getting pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: No. Shh-shh!
Nick Hendricks: I’d rather be pissed on!
Kurt Buckman: Jesus!
Dale Arbus: You weren’t kidding, Gregory this is, uh, this is a bad part of town.
Nick Hendricks: Gregory can you stay on the line? You still there, right?
Atmanand: I’m still here, sir.
Nick Hendricks: Just keep, uh, keep us on the line.

[to the Nav Guide]
Dale Arbus: I’m always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory?
Atmanand: Uh, no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.
Kurt Buckman: How do you get Gregory from that?
Atmanand: Oh, Gregory was assigned to me by Nav Guide.
Nick Hendricks: Why don’t they let you use your real name?
Atmanand: They say many Americans find out real names hard to pronounce.
Kurt Buckman: Hey, you know what? I’m not going to play by the rules anymore. From now on I’m going to call you Amanand.
Nick Hendricks: At-manand.
Dale Arbus: What is it?
Kurt Buckman: Emanand.
Nick Hendricks: Atmanand.
Atmanand: Atmanand.
Dale Arbus: Aminand.
Dale Arbus: I’m going to call you Gregory, cause that name’s a fucking nightmare, buddy.

[as they enter the dangerous looking bar]
Nick Hendricks: This is really a bad idea.
Kurt Buckman: No, this is a great idea!
Nick Hendricks: You just going to yell out ‘anybody here kill people for money’?
Kurt Buckman: No!
Dale Arbus: That’s a terrible plan.

Kurt Buckman: Hey, uh, does anyone here kill people for money?
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!
Bartender (Dive Bar): What the fuck you just say?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, no! It’s not a race thing. Uh, I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you folks.
Bartender (Dive Bar): You folks?
Nick Hendricks: Subtle!
Bartender (Dive Bar): Man, I’m a small business owner. Won’t have you call me disenfranchise.
Kurt Buckman: Well, not you in particular. I guess that…
Bartender (Dive Bar): Oh, right! You mean all black people?
Kurt Buckman: Yes.
Dale Arbus: No!
Nick Hendricks: I’m going to be in the car.
[the bar tender picks up a baseball bat]
Dale Arbus: Woh! A baseball bat.
Kurt Buckman: Uh, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry if that’s what happened here, okay? If you knew me better, you’d know my heart was in the right place.
Bartender (Dive Bar): In about five seconds your heart going to be in the wrong place.

Nick Hendricks: Are you a business man?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
[Nick goes to shake his hand]
Nick Hendricks: How’s that?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
Dale Arbus: Your first name is Motherfucker?!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?
Dale Arbus: No! No! Cool name. Yeah. Is that like on your birth certificate?
[Kurt elbows Dale to stop asking questions]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: No, goofball. My real name is Dean.
Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones. That’s the same name of the actor in Herbie The Love Bug.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he’s not going to know who that is.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I know who he is, bitch!
Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I can’t walk around this fucking neighborhood with that Disney-assed name!

Nick Hendricks: How did you get the nickname Motherfucker?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: When I was a kid I snuck into my mother’s bedroom.
Dale Arbus: Uh-oh!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: She was laying there, naked.
Kurt Buckman: Dean.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: She’d been drinking all night.
Nick Hendricks: We get it.
Dale Arbus: Yuk!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I snuck up behind her.
Nick Hendricks: Aah!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I slipped my fingers into her purse.
Kurt Buckman: Purse. He said purse.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: And I took her money. The whole weeks pay. I really fucked her over and that’s how I got the name, Motherfucker Jones.
Kurt Buckman: You know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion. Right?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: What’s the confusion?
Dale Arbus: There’s no confusion.

Nick Hendricks: Sir, we each have a boss, uh, that you know? There’s three bosses that would be best if those bosses, maybe were no longer…
Kurt Buckman: …no longer around, anymore.
Nick Hendricks: You know?
Dale Arbus: We want them killed!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Got the cheese?
Kurt Buckman: We got the cheese. What kind of cheese are you thinking?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: What, is it three hits?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
[he pauses to calculate the cost in his head]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Thirty large.
Kurt Buckman: Woh!
Nick Hendricks: Hungry!

Dale Arbus: Here’s an idea, if you killed two could we get the third one to hold the cheese?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: It’s no negotiations. Thirty large, or nothing.
Nick Hendricks: Well, it’s more cheese than we’ve got.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Okay, then. It’s five large now!
Kurt Buckman: Then we are in. We’re in.

Nick Hendricks: It would be awful if it was traceable back to us.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I don’t even know your names!
Nick Hendricks: That’s true.
Kurt Buckman: This is true. This is Dale. This is…
Dale Arbus: Don’t say my name!
Nick Hendricks: Shut up!

Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Listen, bring the money here tomorrow, I’ll take care of the rest.
Kurt Buckman: You wanted something specific? Like a shoe box, duffel bag, something like that?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Just be here with the fucking money.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Put it in a briefcase.
Nick Hendricks: Thanks for your time. Here we go.
[Jones walks away from them]
Dale Arbus: Is the briefcase coming out of your end?

Nick Hendricks: What is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I just come back from doing a dime. Some really nasty shit.
[Kurt whispers to Nick and Dale]
Kurt Buckman: That’s ten years.
Dale Arbus: I know what it is.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: They’re looking at me, I’m on probation. And if I set out of line, I’m going back.
Dale Arbus: Alright.
Nick Hendricks: Understood.

Kurt Buckman: I thought you said, you were going to take care of this?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.
[he indicates for them to lean closer]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I’m going to be your murder consultant.
Dale Arbus: I’m sorry, but, uh, no, man! Alright? That’s not cool.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Will you shut this fucking hamster up?
Dale Arbus: I’m a hamster now? Come on!
Kurt Buckman: Easy! Easy! Easy!
Dale Arbus: Shush! It’s upsetting.
Kurt Buckman: It’s somewhat accurate.

Kurt Buckman: Look, that’s now what we talked about, Motherfucker. Alright, so, how about we just take the money and we get out of here?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: How about you go fuck yourself? No refunds.
Nick Hendricks: That’s five thousand dollars. If you think we’re just going to walk out of here and let you keep that…
[Jones put his hand in his jacket pocket and moves as if to threaten to shoot them]

Dale Arbus: Listen, Motherfucker, please? Don’t shoot us. Let’s just talk it out.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Listen, five thousand is mine. I don’t care what you say. Now, you can take my advice or you can get the fuck out of here.
Dale Arbus: That’s a terrible deal!
Kurt Buckman: We should listen to him, okay?

Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Most killers are first timers. You want to pull off a brilliant murder, you got to act like it’s an accident. Failed breaks. Gas leaks. Suicide. Okay, if you do it right, you ain’t even got to be there when it goes down.
Nick Hendricks: Oh, boy! That’s five, that’s five grand and we’re done?
Kurt Buckman: You got that straight.
Dale Arbus: That’s kind of obvious. Kind of obvious information, isn’t it?
Nick Hendricks: Sounds like Scooby-Doo! How are we supposed to fake three accidents?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: You stalk your pray. You got to be smart. Find out where they live. Find out their habits. What’s their hobbies, what they like. What type of food they like. Find out who they’re fucking.

Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Even if you pulled it off perfectly, if you crackheads got motives, the poh-poh…
[Kurt whispers to Dale and Nick]
Kurt Buckman: That means police.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: …will still penny to you.
Nick Hendricks: We all have clear motives for killing our bosses. So this is not going to work. This is garbage!

[Jones thinks for a moment]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I got it. Why don’t you kill each other’s bosses?
Kurt Buckman: That’s actually a good idea.
Nick Hendricks: Not bad.
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Yeah. Like Hitchcock’s ‘Strangers on a Train’, right?
Nick Hendricks: I haven’t seen that. Did they…
Dale Arbus: The Danny DeVito movie. It’s funny.
Kurt Buckman: [sarcastically] Yeah. Yeah. That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That’s the one he’s…
[he slaps Dale on the head]
Kurt Buckman: Come on!
Dale Arbus: What?
Kurt Buckman: Come on! You’re thinking of Throw Momma from the Train.
Dale Arbus: That’s what it is.

[to the others as they enter Bobby Pellit’s home]
Kurt Buckman: Look at this place? It’s awful! It’s like a douchebag museum. It’s like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.

[after they’ve entered Bobby Pellit’s house]
Nick Hendricks: What’s the plan?
Kurt Buckman: We’re here to get some intel.
Nick Hendricks: Intel?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Short for intelligence.
Nick Hendricks: I know what is stands for.
Dale Arbus: Then why did you ask?
Kurt Buckman: Why are we talking about this? Let’s split up.
Dale Arbus: Right.

[picking up a box containing a lot of white powder which looks like cocaine]
Dale Arbus: Now, this would count as intel, right?
Nick Hendricks: Holy shit! That’s a lot of cocaine!
Dale Arbus: Have you ever seen this much cocaine in your life? That’s got to be worth what? Ten, fifteen…
[suddenly he drops the bowl of cocaine and it goes all over them and the carpet]
Dale Arbus: Ah! I blew it! I blew that, didn’t I?

[as Dale picks up the box of cocaine from the floor using his sleeves as gloves]
Nick Hendricks: Don’t inhale.
Dale Arbus: Grab the box, I’ll scoop it in.
Nick Hendricks: I really don’t want to touch it. I don’t have sleeved gloves.
Dale Arbus: Get something to scoop it in.
[tasting the cocaine that’s landed around his mouth]
Nick Hendricks: It’s so bitter!

[as Nick opens the dustbuster to empty the cocaine back in the box a handful of dust also gets dumped out]
Dale Arbus: You probably should have emptied the dustbuster first.
Nick Hendricks: [sarcastically] Is that what you think?
Dale Arbus: I was thinking that. On account of the dust.

[high on the cocaine they’ve inhaled they pick out the dust from the cocaine]
Dale Arbus: [speaking fast] I feel like things are going to work out, you know? Cause I’m like a machine, you know? Look how fast I’m picking out this scrap, you know? I’m moving like super fast. I can’t even feel my nose.
Nick Hendricks: No. Do you want to know what’s weird?
Dale Arbus: Yeah.
Nick Hendricks: That I feel like I should be panicking right now.
Dale Arbus: Mm-hmm.
Nick Hendricks: And I am a little bit, but it’s in a very very good way.
Dale Arbus: I’m witching out, right?
Nick Hendricks: It’s a good kind of panic. Cause I feel like I will want to die right now, but I also feel very very very good.
Dale Arbus: Yeah!

[Kurt walks in on them as they’re the cocaine and high from inhaling it]
Kurt Buckman: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Nick Hendricks: Nothing. But you know, before we go I just want to take one more quick dump.
[he runs out of the room]
Dale Arbus: Take a quick dump and I’m going to do pushups. Cause I can do anything.
[he starts doing pushups]
Kurt Buckman: What the hell have you guys done?
Dale Arbus: I’m feeling good, dude! You want to help me clean? Like we bonded over this. This is like friendship stuff. We broke into someone’s house, man!
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: It’s like I had the most amazing experience of my life.
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: We broke into a man’s house…
Kurt Buckman: Dale!
Dale Arbus: …and suddenly I’m like and expert at sifting cocaine. It’s fucking amazing, dude! Come here! Help me with this.

[referring to Bobby Pellit’s cell phone that he took from his house]
Kurt Buckman: We’re literally in the process of getting ready to kill three people, and you’re going to give me shit about stealing a fucking phone?
Dale Arbus: You run it by me if you’re going to be stealing stuff. You got to…
Kurt Buckman: Run it by you?
Dale Arbus: Run it by me!
Kurt Buckman: Okay. Okay.
[referring to the steering wheel]
Kurt Buckman: Nick, will you hold this for a second?
[he turns and starts hitting Dale]
Kurt Buckman: I’m not going to run anything by you! I’m not going to run anything by you! Dick head!

[outside Harken’s house as Nick and Kurt plan to go in and leave Dale as look out]
Dale Arbus: I’m going to honk the horn six times.
Nick Hendricks: Did he say six?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! No! Something much more subtle.
Nick Hendricks: That’s too many.
Dale Arbus: More subtle?
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dale Arbus: Four honks?
Nick Hendricks: Can you honk once?
Dale Arbus: Are you kidding me?
Nick Hendricks: Not at all.
Dale Arbus: People honk one all the time! You’re going to be running in and out of the house.

[as they settle on the number of honks Dale should give as warning]
Kurt Buckman: Two honks? Please?
Dale Arbus: Alright. Two honks. Fine!
Nick Hendricks: Two honks. Tap-tap.
Dale Arbus: Okay.
[as Nick and Kurt walk towards Harken’s house]
Dale Arbus: Two very long, very slow, honks.

[at Harken’s house looking at a photo of Harken with his wife]
Kurt Buckman: Oh man! She is hot!
Nick Hendricks: She sure is. Here we go.
Kurt Buckman: Tell you what, I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states. You know what I’m saying?
Nick Hendricks: I don’t know what that means.
Kurt Buckman: It’s a saying.
Nick Hendricks: I don’t think so.
Kurt Buckman: No. It is! It is! Yeah. People say that.
Nick Hendricks: I haven’t heard it.
Kurt Buckman: I’ve definitely heard people say that.
Nick Hendricks: I’m not going to argue with you. Let’s continue the recon.
Kurt Buckman: Well, that’s definitely a phrase.
Nick Hendricks: It sure isn’t!
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. It’s from a book. The Great Gatsby, maybe?

[Harken catches Dale throwing a peanut butter and sandwich wrapper out the car window outside his house]
Dave Harken: Hey, schmuck face? You want to tell me what you’re doing littering on my street?
Dale Arbus: I think what happened…
[he clears his throat]
Dale Arbus: …was that the wind blew it out of my hand.
Dave Harken: I don’t care if the wind blew it out of your twat. Now why don’t you take this piece of shit car, and get off my fucking block.
Dale Arbus: I don’t know why you’re mad at the car, but I don’t think we should get hostile right now.
Dave Harken: Hostile? You want to see hostile? How about I go in my house and I get my gu…
[Harken starts to choke as he inhales some of the peanut particles from the wrapper]
Dale Arbus: What’s going on with you?
[Harken chokes out]
Dave Harken: Peanuts!
[mishearing Harken as he’s choking]
Dale Arbus: Penis?
[Harken falls to the ground going into anaphylactic shock]
Dale Arbus: Oh, peanuts!

[referring to Dale thinking he’s killed Harken when in fact he’d saved him from allergic reaction to peanuts]
Nick Hendricks: You realize we’re all going to jail because of that fucking idiot!
Kurt Buckman: I can’t go to jail! Look at me? I’ll get raped like crazy!
Nick Hendricks: They’ll fuck me too.
[he looks Nick up and down]
Kurt Buckman: Yeah. Totally.
Nick Hendricks: I’d get raped, just as much as you would.
Kurt Buckman: No. No. I know you would.
Nick Hendricks: You think you’re more rapeable than I am?
Kurt Buckman: Nick. Nick, I’m not saying anything like it.

[after finding out Dale had saved Harken’s life from the peanut allergic reaction]
Nick Hendricks: Hang on a second! So my boss, who we’re thinking about planning to kill, is dying in front of you and you saved his life?
Dale Arbus: Well, that sounds bad when you say it like that.
Kurt Buckman: That’s not cool.
Dale Arbus: But, I didn’t, I didn’t know it was Harken!
[as Kurt and Nick get into the car]
Dale Arbus: See this is why I need to know what people look like!

Kurt Buckman: Dale, we have one thing to figure out, if you can help us out. If Nick and I were in prison, who do you think would get raped more?
Dale Arbus: Nick.
Kurt Buckman: Really? Why?
Dale Arbus: Cause it’s about weakness and vulnerability.
Kurt Buckman: Good enough.
Dale Arbus: You know?
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. It probably would be.

[after Nick and Dale admit that they couldn’t go through with killing Pellit or Harken]
Nick Hendricks: When it came down do it, do you think you could Julia?
Kurt Buckman: I don’t know. I don’t know, maybe you’re right. It is a little hard to imagine killing her now.
Nick Hendricks: Now?
Dale Arbus: What does that mean?
Nick Hendricks: You sleep with her?
Kurt Buckman: No! No!
Dale Arbus: You said you wouldn’t sleep with her, dude!
Nick Hendricks: You’re such a mess!
Kurt Buckman: I know! I know! But this time it wasn’t my fault. I swear to God!

[referring to Julia]
Kurt Buckman: At first I was surveying her, like I was asked to do.
Dale Arbus: That was all you were asked to do!
Kurt Buckman: She is incredibly hot.
Dale Arbus: Don’t talk about how hot she is, you fucking God damn bastard!
Kurt Buckman: So fucking hot! She really is hot. Next thing you know, she starts deliberately undressing. Come on! In front of her window, with her lights on! It’s like she knew I was watching her.

[referring to Julia]
Kurt Buckman: She is clearly putting on a show. Then, the next thing you know, she, uh, she makes herself a little snack.
Nick Hendricks: Did she have an ice chest?
Kurt Buckman: A popsicle. Then a banana.
Dale Arbus: Come on!
Kurt Buckman: And finally, a hot dog! I mean, come on!
Dale Arbus: No, I don’t believe your story.
Kurt Buckman: Three penis shaped food! That can’t be a coincidence, right? And eating them in that weird order? That’s not proper meal.

[referring to Julia]
Dale Arbus: Okay. Fine. So you took the penis foods as an invitation to fuck her?
Kurt Buckman: No! No! God, no! No! No! I took her invitation to fuck her, as an invitation to fuck her. She like lured me in!
Nick Hendricks: There’s definitely something clinically wrong with you.
Dale Arbus: You’re a fucking whore!
Kurt Buckman: Ah, come on! That’s not nice.

Nick Hendricks: Let’s talk about what happened to Pellit tonight!
Kurt Buckman: Alright. Okay. Let me think here. Okay, here’s what I’m thinking. Here’s an idea; we call the cops with an anonymous tip.
Dale Arbus: Right.
Kurt Buckman: Alright. We tell them that Harken killed Pellit. Boom! Harken’s in jail, Pellit’s in hell, Julia’s had the crazy fucked out of her. And all three of us have our problems solved.
Nick Hendricks: Could work. An anonymous tip. That’s not bad.

[after getting caught by the police for speeding away from Pellit’s home]
Detective Hagan: You want to explain why you were doing sixty one in a twenty five zone?
[shows Nick the speed camera photo taken of him speeding]
Detective Hagan: One block from the victims house, just moments after he got shot dead.
Nick Hendricks: I was drag racing. I’m a drag racer.
Detective Samson: You were drag racing?
Nick Hendricks: Mmm.
Detective Samson: In a Prius?
Nick Hendricks: I don’t win a lot.

Detective Samson: If you think we’re going to believe that this is all just a big coincidence, we’re going to be here for a long time.
Dale Arbus: Okay, wait. By saying we’re going to be here for a long time, you’re implying that we’re not allowed to leave. Which would only be the case if we were under arrest. Are we under arrest?
Detective Hagan: No. We just brought you in for questioning.
Dale Arbus: Well, then! Ipso facto, you don’t have sufficient evidence, constituting probable cause for an arrest warrant?
Detective Samson: Not yet.
Dale Arbus: Well, uh, then pursuant to the fourth amendment, I believe we are free to go. Are we not?
Detective Hagan: [reluctantly] Yeah. Technically, yeah.
Dale Arbus: Technically is good enough for me.
[looking at Kurt and Nick]
Dale Arbus: Gentlemen, we are free men. Let’s go!

[as they’re walking out of the police station]
Nick Hendricks: That’s pretty great, Dale. Where did that come from?
Dale Arbus: Law and Order! Okay. You learn some stuff.

[after finding out the police will be sweeping for DNA at Pellit’s home]
Dale Arbus: [shouting] Why would you put the whole bathroom in your ass?
Kurt Buckman: I didn’t know I had DNA in my butt!
Dale Arbus: [shouting] You lie! You know there’s DNA in your butt!
Kurt Buckman: I didn’t!
Dale Arbus: [shouting] You just like shoving shit in your ass! You fucking pervert!

Nick Hendricks: We’re lawyering up, man! That’s it.
Dale Arbus: I don’t have money for a lawyer, okay? I bought a very expensive ring, that I can’t afford! And then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!

Nick Hendricks: One of our intended victims killed one of the other intended victims.
Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Shut the fuck up!
Nick Hendricks: Yeah. It’s gone bad.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: You guys are some fucking evil geniuses.
Kurt Buckman: No. No.
Dale Arbus: Well, thank you. Yeah, but actually we had nothing to do with it.

[referring to getting Harken to confess to killing Pellit]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Then this is what you need to do. Get him to confess to the murder while you’re wearing a wire.
Kurt Buckman: A wire? We can do that. That’s easy. Yeah.
Nick Hendricks: Is that how they got you? When you murdered somebody?
[Jones gives them a look whilst taking a sip of his drink through his straw]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I never murdered nobody.
Nick Hendricks: Sorry?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: I never murdered anybody.
Kurt Buckman: Wait! No! You said you did a dime for some pretty nasty shit?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: There was some nasty shit. But does that mean I murdered somebody? Where did you hear murder?
Kurt Buckman: Well, you certainly implied it!

Dale Arbus: If you didn’t murder someone, what did you do?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: Alright. Listen, come here.
[they move their heads closer to him]
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: You guys ever see the movie ‘Snow Falling on Cedars’?
Kurt Buckman: No.
Nick Hendricks: I’ve never seen it.
Dale Arbus: I love that movie.
Nick Hendricks: I have no idea.
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: What happened was that I took a video camera into the movie and I bootleg it. They was waiting for me right outside the exit.
Nick Hendricks: You did ten years for video piracy?
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: They take that shit so serious.

Kurt Buckman: We’ve been taking murder advice from some guy, who’s biggest crime is taping an Ethan Hawke movie!
Dean ‘MF’ Jones: So, you do know the movie.
Kurt Buckman: I know who’s in it. I know who’s in it. Yeah.

[getting Harken to confess to Pellit’s murder while Kurt is supposed to be secretly taping it]
Dale Arbus: That man you killed, you say his name.
Dave Harken: Pellit! Trust me, Pellit’s name means nothing anymore.
Nick Hendricks: There is it! Thank you. Let’s do it guys?
Dave Harken: Yeah, that’s right.
[Nick looks around for Kurt, but he’s not there]
Nick Hendricks: Where the fuck is Kurt?
Dave Harken: I killed Pellit!
Nick Hendricks: Hold that thought. I’m missing one guy, my friend Kurt.
Dave Harken: I walked right up to his door, I put a gun in his chest and I shot him! And then you know what? You know what I did after that? I shot him again! Now let me tell you something. I liked it. So if you think that I’m some sort of pussy, who won’t do exactly the same thing to a couple of lamed-ass blackmailers? Think again.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] So, in the end we didn’t wind up going to jail. Well, actually we did later on that night, when they brought us in and booked us. But since we led the cops to Harken, they ultimately agreed to let our other offenses slide. And strangely enough, lucky for Kurt, there’s no laws in the books against putting people’s toiletries up your ass.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Anyway, with Harken in his new position, on all fours in prison for twenty five to life, Comnidyne made me acting president. It’s a great job, I got a solid raise and I’m actually my own boss. Well, accept for the CEO.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Yeah. Turns out my new boss is a ‘twisted old fuck’.

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] Meanwhile, the Pellit family put the most senior person in charge of the company. Which wasn’t Kurt. But he was okay with that. Because he realized, that when you’re the boss, sometimes people want you dead.

Kurt Buckman: Margie, I wanted to congratulate you.
Margie Emerman: Thank you.
Kurt Buckman: And if there’s anything I can do, obviously to, uh, help you out before the baby gets here, just let me know.
Margie Emerman: What baby?
Kurt Buckman: Your baby.
[he touches her protruding stomach]
Margie Emerman: I’m not pregnant.
Kurt Buckman: So, I’m just touching you.
[she gives him a look]
Kurt Buckman: Yay!

Nick Hendricks: [voice over] And Dale? Ultimately he decided his only choice was to screw Julia and after all.

[last line; blackmails Julia by getting Motherfucker Jones and Sommerfeld to help him]
Dale Arbus: Here’s what’s going to happen, okay. I’m going to take a very nice, very expensive two week vacation with my fiancé. Let’s call it a honeymoon, alright? And you are going to pay for it. Then I’m going to return to a rape free work place, alright? Because, if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia, I will have yours locked up the fuck up! You crazy bitch whore!
[pauses for a moment]
Dale Arbus: Ah! That felt good!

Total Quotes: 110

Horrible Bosses Quotes – ‘We all have clear motives for killing our bosses.’

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