Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Rose Byrne, Isabela Moner, Tig Notaro, Margo Martindale, Octavia Spencer, Gustavo Quiroz, Julianna Gamiz, Iliza Shlesinger, Tom Segura
Comedy directed by Sean Anders in which the story centers on a couple, Ellie and Pete (Rose Byrne and Mark Wahlberg), who decide to start a family and are inspired to pursue adoption through the foster care system. They feel like wonderful, altruistic people until they suddenly have three wild kids in their home. Now they must learn to love and parent children who have no interest in being parented.
Russ: I love what you two are doing with this house, but what are you going to do with five bedrooms? You guys are obviously never having kids.
Russ’s Wife: [to Ellie] What was that look?
Ellie: I did not do a look.
Pete: You’re doing a look right now.
Ellie: There’s no look.
[as he leaves]
Russ: Have a good fight, guys.
Ellie: There are so many kids in foster care, and they’re having an orientation.
Pete: Ellie, people who take in foster kids are really special. The kind of people who volunteer when it’s not even a holiday. We don’t even volunteer on a holiday.
Social worker #1: Over a half million children are currently in foster care.
[referring to the fair]
Social worker #1: The county puts these on because they can match a lot of kids and parents quickly.
Ellie: Look at the big kids.
Pete: Everybody’s avoiding them, I’m going to go and say hi.
Ellie: But they’re teenagers, okay. They use drugs and they watch people video games on YouTube. We’re not equipped for any of that.
Lizzie: Hi. Just FYI, we can all hear you.
Lizzie: Okay, go and mingle with the kiddies and don’t give it another thought. Bye-bye.
Ellie: [to Pete] She was cool.
Social worker #1: Lizzie comes with two younger siblings.
Pete: Three kids, too much.
[the social workers shows them the kids photos]
Pete: Oh, my God!
Ellie: God, they’re adorable!
Pete: Why would you show us that? That’s wrong.
[to the kids]
Ellie: Here we are!
Pete: Make yourself at home, because you are home.
Juan: Do you like the Clippers?
Pete: I’m more of a Lakers man.
[as Pete throws the basketball at the net, it bounces of the ring and hits Juan in the face]
Juan: You hit me because I like the Clippers!
Pete: I think the Clippers are awesome. I think they were smart for trading Blake Griffin, their best player.
[to Juan’s; who’s on the roof of the house]
Pete: Just stay there until the fire department comes, okay!
Lizzie: [to Ellie] You’re just another white lady who wants to adopt charity orphans to make you feel good about yourself!
Lizzie: [to Ellie] Pretend mom!
Pete: We might have a little bit of knack for this.
Social worker #2: No, I beg to differ.
Social worker #1: This stuff takes time. Lizzie wanted to parent Juan and Lita all by herself.
Woman: [to Ellie] This is never going to be easy, but with some structure and love you could make your house a home.
Ellie: We love you.
Lizzie: Will you just go away?
Pete: When I’m pissed, do you know what I like to do?
[he takes a hammer and hits the wall, then offers the hammer to Lizzie]
[referring to Lita’s doll]
Pete: Alright, let me fix it, okay?
Lita: Thanks, daddy.
Pete: I just got my first daddy!
[Ellie hits him in annoyance]
Pete: Ow, what the…
Ellie: You suck. I want some of that!
[Ellie goes after Lita]
Ellie: Hey, honey, can I help you with anything?
Lizzie: What are you doing to my phone?
Pete: Look at what this boy texted her!
[he gives the phone to Ellie]
Ellie: It’s that kid Jacob! Hey, I saw the picture you sent to her, Jacob.
Pete: You’re lucky I don’t end your life right now, carrot top!
Ellie: We’re going to call your mom!
Pete: You’re going down today!
Ellie: So what do you think of that, Jacob?
Charlie: My name is not Jacob!
[we then see the police take Pete and Ellie away in handcuffs]
Ellie: Okay, okay, okay.
What do you think of Instant Family quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments below as we’d love to know.