By Jacob Mello (Austin, TX, US)


It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a shit-bomb!

I wish I could sit this one out. I’d love to deny everything you’ve heard, but my honor won’t allow it. No longer will I continue to be a DC apologist. For years I have defended and explained away the complete shit show that is the DC cinematic universe out of a misplaced childhood loyalty. I’m not excusing my past actions. Year after year I’ve allowed the studio to profit off of trash like Green Lantern and Suicide Squad, both by spreading false enthusiasm, and by directly paying to watch these properties opening weekend. I think it’s time for comic book fans to take a good hard look inside, and demand more.

The film was completely devoid of a hierarchy. Instead of telling a cohesively gripping story, which would have been easy – they had all the pieces – they divvied up the movie into equal slices. Cutaways to Louis Lane gabbing about the shame she felt about her lack of work ambition, received as much screen time as the heroes discussing things that actually mattered. They turned Batman into the weakling of the group and manifested a subplot in which Wonder Woman’s flaw was that she couldn’t take charge, and that that’s what the group unanimously wanted. The rest of the movie was spent introducing and catching us up to speed on the Zack Snyder version of the other three members of the JL. It was like watching a sleazy record producer manipulate your favorite band according to misplaced focus group notes, to give the (perfect as is) members more mainstream marketability.

My working theory is that the studio handed each actor a piece of paper and said, “look just jot down a brief description of a scene you think will get you laid opening night” and the writers stitched together a movie around whatever they handed in.

It’s not that this film was awful (aside from the Nolen era, it might even be one of their best, sadly) it’s simply, predictably, not very good. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as they say.

Sure, Marvel has made a few clunkers, but they always learn from their mistakes and immediately right the ship. Captain America was a bit lack luster, so they answer back with Winter Soldier. The Thor’s were boorish, so they lay down the hammer with Ragnarok. DC on the other hand, makes atrocious mistakes, then doubles down. Then, if and when that proves to be an even bigger mistake, they throw CGI money at it and cut so many corners that they end up cutting away from the phoned in action sequences just to squeeze in all the pace freezing backstory that they were supposed to have nuanced in during the character’s solo films – you know, the ones they skipped right over to try and keep pace with the MCU.

Bottom line is, while there were some cool scenes, it never amounted to a real movie. The bad guy felt more like a device than a genuine threat to anyone, and I’ve had about all the crap I’m prepared to take from this studio.


For better comic book movies: Jump ship, check out Marvel.

Rating: 3/5



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