Page 1 2 THE NOVEL
[as people are waiting in line to get the free SIM card]
Ryan: Uh, Mrs. P. You get one?
Michelle Unwin: Yeah…yeah, I been queuing up all day.
[Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy are watching the news]
News Reporter: [voice] This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine has already seen over a billion cards distributed.
[Merlin enters the room and the three stand to attention]
Merlin: At ease. So you thought we were done for the day, huh? Well, we’re not.
[he gives each of them an envelope]
Roxy: A party?
Merlin: Tonight, in London.
[holding up a photo of a girl]
Charlie: Who’s this?
Merlin: Your target. Your mission is to use your NLP training to win over the individual in the photograph in your envelope. And when I say “win over,” I do mean in the biblical sense.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Easy. Posh girls love a bit of rough.
Charlie: We’ll see about that, yeah?
[they all reveal their photo which is the same girl]
Roxy: We certainly will.
[at the party Charlie tries to chat up the female target]
Charlie: Hi. Sorry, I just had to come over and say, amazing eyes. Are you wearing color contacts?
Lady Sophie: No!
Charlie: You so are.
[just then Roxy joins them]
Roxy: Oh, my God, negging. That’s hilarious. I haven’t heard anyone try that since the noughties.
Lady Sophie: Excuse me?
Roxy: Negging. Saying something negative to a pretty girl in order to undermine her social value. It’s supposed to make you want to win his approval. Absurdly basic, neuro-linguistic programming technique.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny?
Charlie: It’s an acquired taste, mate.
[Eggsy joins them]
Roxy: I think it’s just cheap.
[referring to her cocktail]
Lady Sophie: Get one of these instead, they’re delicious.
Charlie: You know, if you’re into seduction techniques, this guy is textbook. See what he just did? It’s called an opinion opener. He got you talking with a neutral question, got all of us involved in the conversation, so that you craved individual attention.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I’m just saying the champagne tastes rank.
[they are interrupted by a man]
The Interrogator: Lady Sophie Montague-Herring, phone call for you at reception.
Lady Sophie: Be right back.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We’ll see you in a bit, yeah?
[Sophie gets up and walks off]
Roxy: See you in a bit.
[after Sophie leaves]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Budge up, Rox. I’m feeling a bit rough.
Roxy: Are you alright?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
The Interrogator: Sorry to eavesdrop, but, you know, there’s a much easier way to guarantee getting someone home. Rohypnol. Or even something stronger.
[just then Eggsy, Charlie and Roxy pass out]
[Eggsy wakes up to find himself tied to the train tracks]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Who the fuck are you? Where am I?
[the interrogator holds up the knife he’s holding]
The Interrogator: This knife can save your life, huh?
[suddenly a train whistle blowing can be heard as the train approaches]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!
The Interrogator: My employer’s got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman, and who’s Harry Hart?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know who the fuck that is! Shit!
The Interrogator: Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends for giving me the same bullshit answer!
[as the train gets closer]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please!
The Interrogator: Hey, Eggsy! Is Kingsman worth dying for?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: F…fuck you!
[suddenly the train runs over him, but Eggsy is dropped into a little hole in the tracks and Harry is seen standing where the Interrogator was holding the knife]
Harry Hart: Congratulations. Bloody well done.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How’d the others do?
Harry Hart: Roxy passed with flying colors. Charlie’s up next. Want to watch?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, alright.
[Charlie’s tied to the same train tracks as Eggsy was with the interrogator standing over him]
Charlie: Oh, fuck.
The Interrogator: Is Kingsman really worth dying for?
Charlie: No, it fucking isn’t! Shit, I’ll tell you what you want. Please! Chester King is Arthur. Arthur’s head of a spy agency, it’s called Kingsman. Get me out of here!
The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.
[the interrogator steps back as the train gets closer]
Charlie: Come on! That wasn’t the fucking deal!
[the train runs over Charlie and like Eggsy he’s dropped into the hole in the tracks as it passes]
Charlie: Fuck! Oh, fuck!
[Arthur walks over to Charlie]
Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You’re a bloody disgrace.
Charlie: Arthur, I’m sorry. At least untie me.
Arthur: Untie yourself.
[Arthur walks off]
Charlie: Arthur. Arthur, please.
[Eggsy, Roxy, Harry and Merlin are watching Charlie on a monitor]
Charlie: I’m the fucking son of the… shit! Anyone? Hello?
Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you now have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets, understood?
[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other then nod their heads]
Merlin: Good. Dismissed.
[the others leave the room, Merlin turns to the monitor and uses the speakers]
Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.
Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking Dad’s gonna hear about this!
[pointing to a newspaper heading clipping that’s stuck to the wall in Harry’s office]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “To pee or not to pee?”
Harry Hart: That was the headline the day after I defused a dirty bomb in Paris.
[reading the heading from another newspaper clipping stuck on the wall]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Germany – 1, England – 5.”
Harry Hart: Missed that game. I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at the Pentagon.
[pointing to the newspaper clipping showing a photo of Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s wedding]
Harry Hart: My first mission. Foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Not everybody’d thank you for that one.
Harry Hart: The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them. Front page news on all these occasions was celebrity nonsense. Because it’s the nature of Kingsman that our achievements remain secret. A gentleman’s name should appear in the newspaper only three times: when he’s born, when he marries, and when he dies. And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.
[Eggsy sits down]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That’s me fucked, then.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, it’s like Charlie said, I’m just a pleb.
Harry Hart: Nonsense. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one’s birth. Being a gentleman is something one learns.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, but how?
Harry Hart: Alright, first lesson. You should have asked me before you took a seat. Second lesson. How to make a proper martini.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, Harry.
[as he’s having his hand scanned his skin is being singed]
Valentine: Goddamn it! This fucking hurts!
Gazelle: You’re the one who asked for a biometric security system. What’s wrong with a simple switch?
Valentine: A simple switch?! This is an extremely dangerous machine. It should only be operated by someone as responsible and sane as me. Bad shit can happen if this falls into the wrong hands.
[as he takes his hand off the machine]
Valentine: Woh! We done here? Shit!
Gazelle: No. Now this one.
[opens up another machine]
Gazelle: For the test at the church.
Valentine: This one just has a short range. A simple switch will do.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So are you gonna teach me how to talk proper, like in My Fair Lady?
Harry Hart: Don’t be absurd. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one’s accent, it’s about being at ease in one’s own skin. As Hemingway said, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self.”
[they enter the Kingsman tailor shop]
Harry Hart: Now the first thing every gentleman needs is a good suit. By which I mean, a bespoke suit. Never off the peg. And Kingsman suits are always bulletproof. So let’s get you measured, and then, whether you get the job or not, you’ll have a lasting and useful memento of your time at Kingsman.
[as Harry goes to enter the fitting room]
Kingsman Tailor: I’m so sorry, sir, but a gentleman is completing his fitting. Fitting room two is available.
Harry Hart: One does not use fitting room two when one is popping one’s cherry.
Harry Hart: Perhaps I’ll show you fitting room three while we wait.
[they enter into another fitting room and stand by the mirrors]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So we going up or down?
Harry Hart: Neither.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: This it?
Harry Hart: Of course not. Pull the hook on your left.
[Eggsy pulls the hook and the wall opens, they enter into a weapons room]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ah, yes. Very, very nice.
Harry Hart: Now, you’re going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit.
[going over to some shoes]
Harry Hart: An Oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. This additional decorative piece is called broguing.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Oxfords, not brogues.”
Harry Hart: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by.
[Harry gives him a pair of Oxfords]
Harry Hart: Try a pair. Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.
[pointing to some umbrellas]
Harry Hart: These you’re familiar with. And this is our standard-issue pistol. It’s quite unique, as you’ll see, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations.
[referring to the shoes Eggsy has tried on]
Harry Hart: How do they feel?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, good.
Harry Hart: Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat’s formal greeting.
[Eggsy stands, puts his finger on his upper lip and does the Nazi salute]
Harry Hart: No, Eggsy.
[Harry stands to attention and clips the ends of his feet together which extends out a small spike from his shoe]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That is sick.
[Eggsy does the same to his shoe to extend his spike]
Harry Hart: In the old days, they had a phone in the heel, as well.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How do I get it back in?
Harry Hart: Well, it’s coated in one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so very carefully.
[he uses the wall to push the spike back in]
Harry Hart: Now, I’ve had a lot of fun with this.
[he picks up a fountain pen]
Harry Hart: One of our finest examples of chemical engineering.
[he pulls off the nib]
Harry Hart: A poison harmless when ingested, but at a time convenient to you, can be remotely activated. Primed. Lethal.
[pointing to the lighters]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about these? What do these do?
[he picks one up]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Electrocute you?
Harry Hart: Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a hand grenade.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shut up.
Harry Hart: You want to electrocute someone, you’ll need a signet ring. A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whichever hand happens to be dominant. Touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers fifty thousand volts.
[pointing to the rows of cell phones and tablets]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And what about them? What makes them so special?
[Eggsy takes one of the lighters as Harry is distracted]
Harry Hart: Nothing. That technology’s caught up with the spy world.
[Harry starts to leave and Eggsy follows him]
Harry Hart: Put it back, Eggsy.
[Eggsy turns and puts the lighter back]
[as Harry and Eggsy walk out of the fitting room]
Kingsman Tailor: Ah, perfect timing. Gentleman’s just finished.
[the door to the other fitting room opens and Valentine walks out]
Valentine: Mr. DeVere! What a coincidence! You are totally the reason I am here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on, and since I’m going to Royal Ascot, and apparently you need one of these penguin suits, here I am. What are you doing here?
Valentine: What’s up, man? Richmond Valentine.
[he shakes Eggsy’s hand]
Harry Hart: This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.
Valentine: Another coincidence. So am I.
Harry Hart: Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal?
Valentine: Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.
Harry Hart: A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters. St. James’s.
Valentine: “Lox,” as in smoked fish?
Harry Hart: As in “locked up.”
Valentine: Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.
[he turns and walks out with Gazelle following him; to the tailors]
Harry Hart: Gentlemen, would you look after him, please?
[Eggsy enters the fitting room with the tailor]
[standing outside Lock & Co with a top hat]
Valentine: Now, this is a dope-ass top hat.
[he puts the hat on]
Valentine: Gazelle! Let’s go ascoting.
[Harry is sat in his cab listening to Valentine as his top hat is bugged]
Valentine: Your hat looks fine, Gazelle. Come on, don’t make me late for the queen. Come on, Gazelle, we’re gonna be late. How far is Ascot? How far?
[at Kingsman headquarters]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?
Arthur: Sit down.
[Eggsy enters the room with J.B. following him and takes a seat]
Arthur: Pretty dog. What’s his name?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: J.B.
Arthur: As in James Bond?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.
Arthur: Jason Bourne?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.
Arthur: Oh! Bravo.
Arthur: It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but I think that one day you might be as good a spy as any of them.
[Arthur picks up a gun, points it at Eggsy before offering it to him]
Arthur: Take it.
[Eggsy takes the gun]
Arthur: Shoot the dog.
[Eggsy looks at J.B.; at the same time Merlin is in another room with Roxy and her dog]
Merlin: This weapon is live.
[he gives the gun to Roxy]
Merlin: Shoot the dog.
[back with Eggsy, he points the gun at J.B. for a moment, he shakes his head as he’s unable to shoot]
Arthur: Give me the gun.
[Eggsy points the gun at Arthur when suddenly a gun shot is heard]
Arthur: At least the girl’s got balls.
[Eggsy gives the gun to Arthur]
Arthur: Get out. I knew you couldn’t make it. Go home.
[looking disappointed Eggsy leaves]
Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.
[Roxy enters the room with Merlin]
Arthur: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.
[he shakes her hand]
[Eggsy is standing in his room looking in the mirror wearing his own clothes, he smiles at J.B. when he hears the front door closing]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Mom?
Michelle Unwin: Eggsy!
[they embrace each other]
Michelle Unwin: Oh, God, where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you.
[she kisses his cheek, Eggsy then looks at his baby sister]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, my days, look how big you’ve grown.
[Eggsy then notices the bruise on Michelle’s face]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Where is he?
Michelle Unwin: I’m fine. Eggsy, please, please, just don’t get involved.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, I should never have left you on your own. This stops right now. I’ll be right back.
[Eggsy goes to leave]
Michelle Unwin: Eggsy.
[in the Kingsman cab he’s stolen Eggsy pulls outside the pub where Dean and his thugs are sat]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oy! Dean!
Dean: Oh, Muggsy. So you’re back. What, you gone and nicked a fucking taxi now?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah. Can I have a word about my mum’s black eye?
Dean: You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab, I’ll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Tell your muppets to go inside, then I’ll get out.
Dean: Go on, lads. There’ll be two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor.
[his thugs leave]
Dean: Come on, then, you prick, let’s see what you got, eh? Want a bit of me?
[suddenly the cab doors lock and the windows roll up by themselves]
Dean: What are you doing?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What the fuck?
Dean: Get out of the fucking car!
[Eggsy tries to unlock the car]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, no, no! Come on!
Dean: What are you doing?
[the cab then drives off by itself]
Dean: What are you doing, you mug! What, you got no bollocks?!
[Eggsy tries desperately to stop the cab]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!
Dean: Come back when you’ve grown a pair! Muggsy!
[the cab takes Eggsy to Harry’s place and Eggsy enters the house]
Harry Hart: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss’s car.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot a dog just to get a fucking job?
Harry Hart: Yes, I did.
[Harry then shows him a stuffed dog in the bathroom]
Harry Hart: And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak.
Harry Hart: No, I shot my dog, and then I brought him home and continued to care for him for the next eleven years until he died of pancreatitis.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What?
Harry Hart: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank.
Harry Hart: Remember Amelia?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah.
Harry Hart: She didn’t drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin; she’s fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Like my dad saved your life even though your fuck-up cost his. Or have you got him stuffed here and all?
Harry Hart: Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay him?
[Harry puts on his glasses as Merlin contacts him]
Merlin: Harry, listen to this. Valentine’s at last saying something of note.
[over the speaker]
Valentine: Know what I love about pen and paper?
[Valentine is in his private plane with Gazelle]
Valentine: Nobody can hack into this shit. Our worldwide tour was a complete success. We have total coverall. Like when all your numbers in bingo are crossed out.
Valentine: Bingo. The game. You have played bingo, right?
Gazelle: Do I look like I play bingo?
Valentine: Point is, if our tests go well at the church tomorrow, we are good to go.
Harry Hart: South Glade Mission Church. Merlin, get the plane ready.
Merlin: Will do.
[Harry takes off his glasses]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Harry, I’m so sorry. I’m gonna do ev…
Harry Hart: You should be. You just stay right there. I’ll sort this mess out when I get back.
[Harry is in Kentucky sat in the church listening to the nasty sermon from the bigoted leader; to Harry over the radio]
Merlin: Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?
[Harry looks around and spots the small camera on the wall where Valentine and Gazelle are watching them]
Gazelle: You sure we’re out of range?
Valentine: We’re over a thousand feet away. What’s wrong?
Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?
Valentine: You just have to trust me.
[back in the church Harry gets up to leave; to the woman sat next to him]
Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?
Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?
[Harry starts to get up]
Church Blonde Woman: Hey, what’s your problem?
Harry Hart: I’m a Catholic whore currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works in a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
[the woman looks at Harry in shock as he gets up and walks off]
[as he watches Harry leaving the church]
Valentine: Oh, shit. He’s leaving. I’m starting the test now. Let’s hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.
[Valentine activate the signal on the phones of the people with the SIM card in the church; the woman follows Harry as he walks to the door]
Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are!
[everyone in the church starts to rise to their feet and look at Harry]
Church Blonde Woman: Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!
[Harry stops turns, takes out his gun and shoots the woman in the head; as he watches from Harry’s laptop]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Holy fuck!
[people in the church go into a violent rage and start attacking each other]
Valentine: Aw, shit, I can’t watch this.
Valentine: Get over here.
[as everyone is attacking each other in the church Harry kills everyone that tries to attack him; over the radio as he watches what Harry is doing]
Merlin: Galahad, can you hear me? Harry! Harry, what the heck is going on?
Valentine: Could you turn the volume down, please?
Gazelle: I didn’t expect it to be that effective.
Valentine: What kind of response are we talking?
Gazelle: A hundred percent.
Valentine: So everyone’s been affected, whether they have a SIM card or not. And we get the added benefit of wiping out the Kingsman.
Gazelle: Not yet.
[as she watches Harry stabbing, bludgeoning, impaling and blowing up people]
Valentine: Oh, you need to see this.
[Harry kills everyone until he is the only survivor, realizing what he’s done he walks out of the church where he finds Valentine and Gazelle waiting for him]
Harry Hart: What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people. I wanted to.
Valentine: Clever, isn’t it? In simple terms, it’s a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
Harry Hart: Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume.
[Valentine walks over to Harry]
Valentine: Do you know what this is like? It’s like those old movies we both love. Now I’m gonna tell you my whole plan, and then I’m gonna come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Harry Hart: Sounds good to me.
Valentine: Well, this ain’t that kind of movie.
[suddenly he takes out a gun and shoots Harry in the head, killing him; Eggsy screams in horror as he watches]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No!
[referring to Harry]
Valentine: Is he dead?
Gazelle: That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head. It feels good, right?
Valentine: No, no, it does not feel good. It feels fucking awful.
Gazelle: What?! You just killed how many people in that church? This is one guy.
Valentine: No, no, no. They killed each other. Okay, send out the countdown clock. This party starts tomorrow.
[both Arthur and Merlin watch all this in horror from the respective locations]
Merlin: Arthur? Are you there?
over the radio
Arthur: Sadly, I am. Assemble the Kingsmen.
[back at Harry’s place, still in shock Eggsy remembers Harry’s words to him]
Harry Hart: [voice] Can’t you see that everything I’ve done has been about trying to repay him?
[Eggsy pours himself a drink as he continues to remember Harry’s words]
Harry Hart: [voice] I see a young man with potential, who wants to do something good with his life.
[Eggsy drives over to the Kingsman tailor shop and enters to meet with Arthur]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Arthur, Harry’s dead.
Arthur: Galahad is dead. Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, then you know what that psycho’s doing. How many people around the world have got those SIM cards? Valentine can send his signal to any of them, all of them. If they all go homicidal at the same time, then…
Arthur: Indeed. And thanks to Galahad’s recordings, we have Valentine’s confession. The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities. Our work is complete, and a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend, it is, too.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And that’s it?
Arthur: Come and sit down, boy.
[Eggsy takes the seat next to him; pointing to the brandy]
Arthur: This is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy, and we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman. Galahad was very fond of you.
[as Arthur pours a drink Eggsy notices that Arthur has an implant scar under his ear]
Arthur: And on this occasion, I think it’s acceptable for us to bend the rules a little.
[Eggsy points to the paintings on the wall to distract Arthur]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Are these all Kingsmen?
Arthur: Yes, they’re, uh, founder members. I want you to join me in a toast.
[he passes a glass of brandy to Eggsy]
Arthur: To Galahad.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: To Galahad.
[they both drink their brandies]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Harry said you don’t like to break rules, Arthur. Why now?
Arthur: You’re very good, Eggsy. Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad’s position. Provided, of course, that we can see eye to eye on certain political matters.
[Arthur picks up one of the pens that activates poison]
Arthur: Can you guess what this is?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t have to, Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Valentine won you over somehow.
Arthur: Once he explained, I understood.
[we see flashback to when Arthur met with Valentine]
Valentine: When you get a virus, you get a fever. That’s the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way. Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We’re making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don’t reduce our population ourselves, there’s only one of two ways this can go. The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way…
[back to Arthur and Eggsy]
Arthur: The result is the same. The virus dies.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So Valentine’s gonna take care of the population problem himself.
Arthur: Well, if we don’t do something, nature will. Sometimes a culling is the only way to ensure that this species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live, and anyone he thinks is worth saving, he’s keeping them safe, whether they agree with him or not.
Arthur: And you, Eggsy. In Harry’s honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It’s time to make your decision.
[Eggsy hesitates a moment before replying]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’d rather be with Harry. Thanks.
Arthur: So be it.
[Arthur points the pen at Eggsy to activate the poison he put in his drink but instead of killing Eggsy he finds himself dying]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: The problem with us common types is that we’re light-fingered.
[he holds up his brandy glass]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Kingsman’s taught me a lot, but sleight of hand…
[we see as Eggsy distracted Arthur earlier he quickly switched their brandy glasses]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I had that down already.
Arthur: You dirty little fucking…prick.
[Arthur dies, Eggsy then uses the tip of the pen to cut the SIM out, at the same time Eggsy sees the message on Arthur’s phone showing Valentine starting the countdown to when he will activate the SIM cards around the world]
Merlin: It’s okay, Lancelot. Put it down.
[Roxy is pointing a gun at Eggsy after he’s shown them the message on Arthur’s phone]
Merlin: It’s verified.
[Roxy lowers her gun]
Merlin: Arthur’s phone is receiving update texts about getting to safety. We don’t have a lot of time.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What are you gonna do?
Merlin: Question is, what are we gonna do? God knows who’s in Valentine’s pocket and who’s not. We’ve no choice. We’re gonna have to deal with this ourselves. Follow me.
[as they fly off in a Kingsman plane Eggsy picks up a funny looking device]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What the fuck is this?
Roxy: I have no idea.
Merlin: What you’re playing with is a prototype personal trans-atmospheric vehicle. It was developed as part of Reagan’s Star Wars project. It’s pretty basic, but it should still work. We’re gonna take out one of Valentine’s satellites. We’re gonna break the chain, stop the signal. It’ll take him a couple of hours to reroute it, which buys us enough time for you to get me into Valentine’s mainframe so I can shut it down.
[Eggsy nods his head]
Merlin: Lancelot, you’re gonna be using it. Get into your halo suit.
[as he watches the Swedish Prime Minister arriving at his secret base]
Valentine: So, how many more are we expecting?
Gazelle: Not many. Most have their own bunkers. I figure we’re just getting the really nervous ones.
[looking at the implant Eggsy had pulled out of Arthur]
Merlin: It seems the implant can emit some kind of counter signal to ensure the wearer remains unaffected by the waves from the SIM cards.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: The waves that turn everyone into a psycho killer.
Merlin: Quite. But what he probably didn’t tell anyone is it can also super-heat their soft tissue at his command. Valentine selected his chosen few to get the countdown warning, but he had to be sure they didn’t blab to the wrong people beforehand.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How does this help us right now?
Merlin: It doesn’t. Roxy! Here we go!
[we see Roxy putting on the helmet of her halo suit]
[as he attaches two giant balloon to Roxy’s halo suit]
Merlin: The higher you go, the more the balloons expand. When you reach the edge of the atmosphere, they’ll explode. You’ll need to deploy your missile just before that, okay?
Roxy: The edge of the atmosphere.
Merlin: Once you’ve deployed, you’ll need to release for descent fast. Good luck.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You can do this, okay?
Merlin: Eggsy, come on! Time is not our friend.
[as Roxy rises up Eggsy goes back on the plane and waves to her]
Merlin: You’re getting in on Arthur’s invitation. You’re gonna need to blend in.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m supposed to be Arthur?
Merlin: His invitation’s in his phone.
[he gives Eggsy Arthur’s phone]
Merlin: Give them this. Give his real name: Chester King.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What about you?
Merlin: I’m your pilot, I’m gonna stay here.
[referring to the bag containing a suit]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is that gonna fit me?
Merlin: A bespoke suit, always fits.
[he gives the bag to Eggsy]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Just be grateful Harry had it made for you. Get dressed.
[referring to his guests]
Valentine: What the fuck’s wrong with them?
Gazelle: I don’t know. Could have something to do with the mass genocide.
Valentine: Give me the mic.
[Gazelle gives him the mic]
Valentine: Hey-oh! Everybody, listen up! Hello, hello! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I just want to remind you that today is a day of celebration. We must put aside all thoughts of death and focus on birth. The birth of a new age. We mustn’t mourn those who give their lives today. We should honor their sacrifice…and their roles in saving the human race. We must put aside doubt and guilt. You are the chosen people. When folks tell their kids the story of Noah’s Ark is Noah the bad guy?
Valentine: Is God the bad guy?
Valentine: How about the animals marching two by two?
Valentine: Of course not!
[Valentine and the guests laugh]
Valentine: Yeah, that’s it! Let’s turn those frowns upside down. Eat, drink and party! And I will see you all in the new age.
[Eggsy gets dressed in his suit and puts on the Kingsman glasses; over the radio as Roxy is traveling high up towards the edge of the atmosphere]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rox, It’s me. How’s the view?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Mine’s pretty sweet. They made you one of these suits yet?
Roxy: No, not yet.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You’ve got something to look forward to then. We’re coming up on Valentine’s base. Gotta go. Good luck.
[Merlin sees Eggsy in his suit]
Merlin: Looking good, Eggsy.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Feeling good, Merlin.
[as they head towards Valentine’s base]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck me.
[after landing the plane at the base]
Merlin: Eggsy, we’re on.
[Eggsy gets off the plane and hands his phone to Valentine’s assistant]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Chester King.
Valentine’s Assistant: Mr. King, welcome. I’m sure you’ve adhered to Valentine’s strict no-weapons policy, but if you don’t object.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Of course.
[the guard scans him for weapons]
Valentine’s Assistant: Thank you. Do you have any luggage?
[Eggsy turns to Merlin who’s standing by the plane]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Congratulations, Mycroft, you just graduated from my pilot to my valet.
[quietly to himself]
Merlin: You cheeky…
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Understood? Good.
[Valentine’s assistant gives Eggsy back the phone]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Thank you.
[over his earpiece as Eggsy is being escorted by Valentine’s assistant to the party]
Merlin: Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online. The clock is ticking. And remember, try to blend in.
Valentine’s Butler: Would sir care for a drink?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for ten seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.
[the butler goes off and Eggsy looks around him]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, are you clocking this?
Merlin: Yes, I am. Stay focused.
[looking at Roxy’s monitor]
Merlin: Lancelot, you’re doing great. Not much further to go.
Roxy: Yes, Merlin.
Merlin: Eggsy, get me online now.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yep, I’m on it.
Merlin: Lancelot, you’re approaching your altitude limit. Those balloons won’t last much longer. Prepare to engage missile.
[Roxy prepares to launch the missile to Valentine’s satellite]
[Eggsy goes up to the Swedish Prime Minister as he’s working on his laptop]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Society’s dead. Long live society.
[the prime minister laughs]
Swedish Prime Minister: Amen to that. I’m Morten Lindstrom.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Chester King.
[they shake hands]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How did you get online? I couldn’t.
Swedish Prime Minister: Oh, well, it’s a closed network, you see. Pre-authorized connections only.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ah.
[at the same time Roxy is preparing to launch the missile]
Roxy: I’ve got a fix on the satellite.
[to the prime minister]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Do you have the correct time? I think I’m still in my last time zone.
Swedish Prime Minister: Oh, yeah, yeah. Let’s see now.
[Eggsy uses his watch to launch an amnesia dart at the prime minister, knocking him out so that he can use the laptop]
Merlin: Eggsy, I’m in. Get your arse back to the plane, now.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: On my way.
Merlin: Lancelot, good luck! Firing in three, two…
[suddenly one of Roxy’s giant balloons bursts; at the same time Charlie shows up and holds Eggsy with a knife to his throat]
Charlie: Nice and slow.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck are you doing here?
Charlie: Well, my family were invited, obviously. Now, get the fuck up, slowly.
[as he watches on his monitor]
Merlin: Oh, shit. Lancelot, hurry up and fire! That other balloon is gonna blow!
Roxy: Yes, Merlin. I’ve nearly got it. Give me a second!
[back at Valentine’s party]
Charlie: Valentine! I’ve caught a fucking spy!
Valentine: V-Glass, zoom.
[he sees Charlie holding Eggsy with a knife to his throat]
Valentine: OH, fuck! It’s that young valet.
[suddenly Eggsy electrocutes Charlie with the ring on his finger and knocks him out]
Valentine: Son of a bitch.
Roxy: Got it!
[she manages to launch the missile before the other balloon bursts; at the same time Eggsy makes a run for it back towards the plane]
Valentine: Oh, shit.
Valentine: Sound the alarm! I’m not taking any chances. Okay, you send out the two-minute warning. I’m starting the override. Alright, let’s do this.
[as they initiate countdown we see Eggsy making run for it]
Valentine: You see him?
Gazelle: Right here.
[as he watches Eggsy trying to avoid being shot at by Valentine’s guards]
Merlin: Eggsy, take a left. Two guards, up ahead.
[Eggsy manages to shoot down the guards chasing him]
[as Roxy is plummeting back to the ground]
Merlin: Lancelot, release now!
[Roxy detaches herself from the device she was attached to]
Merlin: Eggsy, straight ahead, then right. There’s two more.
[Eggsy shoots more of Valentine’s guards chasing him; to his guests]
Valentine: Alright, everybody on your feet! Countdown to V-day! Welcome in the new age!
[we see Roxy continuing to plummet to the ground whilst at the same time Eggsy continues to shoot and evade Valentine’s guards as he tries to get back to the plane]
Merlin: Eggsy, next left, down the narrow tunnel!
[to his guests]
Valentine: Here we go! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
[the missile hits Valentine’s satellite and delays the signal from going live]
Merlin: Nice! Well done, both of you.
Valentine: It’s not working! It’s supposed to be working! What the fuck?
[we see Roxy parachuting down to the ground]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes! Well done, Rox. Good girl.
Gazelle: We’ve lost one of our satellites.
[Merlin notices Valentine biometric scanner to activate the signal is still live]
Merlin: Oh, no, no. There’s no way I can hack past that.
[he looks out the plane and sees Valentine’s guards waiting]
Merlin: What’s going on? Is there a problem? Come on, there’s no need for guns. I’m just a pilot.
[just then Eggsy arrives and tries to shoot the guards but finds his gun is empty]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck. Merlin!
[Merlin shoots down the guards]
Merlin: Get in here!
[Eggsy runs towards the plane and Merlin shoots the guard coming up behind him]
Merlin: Come on!
[after getting back on the plane]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Let’s get the fuck out of here!
Merlin: We can’t. I can’t get into Valentine’s machine, he’s got biometric security. You’re gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Are you taking the fucking piss?
Merlin: I’m afraid not.
[Eggsy sighs and get up and points to the machine gun Merlin is holding]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Let’s have that then.
Merlin: Uh-uh. This is mine. I’ll show you yours.
[Merlin takes Eggsy to the back of the plane and shows him the weapons he can choose from, Eggsy chooses the umbrella]
Merlin: Good choice.
Valentine: How long to re-link the satellite chain?
Gazelle: It’ll take an hour, maybe two.
Valentine: Bullshit! Just bring these two closer together!
Gazelle: But that’s not yours.
Valentine: V-Glass, call E-man.
[after connection is made]
Valentine: E, it’s V. Listen, man, I got a little hiccup on this end. I need to piggyback. One of my satellites just went down, but it’s right next to one of yours. You read my mind. How long before you make that happen?
[at the same time Eggsy gets ready to leave the plane again]
[Eggsy runs off]
Valentine: Alright, we should be coming back online.
[they watch the monitor]
Valentine: Ten percent.
[at the same time Merlin watches the proceedings on his monitor]
Merlin: Oh, shit! Eggsy, Valentine’s using someone else’s satellite. He’s going to reconnect the chain. It’s going to take him no time at all. It’s at twenty percent!
[Merlin then notices an army of Valentine’s guards going after Eggsy]
Merlin: Eggsy, it seems Valentine’s got a present for you. Get a move on!
Valentine: Is that Kingsman kid dead yet?
Gazelle: Not yet, but he will be soon.
[as Valentine’s army are surrounding him]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, I’m fucked.
[Merlin notices Valentine’s guards are pushing a missile towards the plane]
Merlin: As am I.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: They’re coming at me from both sides, I’m out of options. Rox, Rox, I need a favor. Call my mum. Tell her to lock herself away from Dean, and the baby… and… tell her I love her.
[as he watches the guards positioning the missile and getting ready to launch it]
Merlin: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us? Any chance you can turn them on?
[Merlin goes to the computer on the plane]
Merlin: Alright. My turn to play, Valentine.
[as he sees Merlin is hacking into his system]
Valentine: Oh, oh, no! No, no, what the fuck is he… I can’t stop this.
[Merlin manages to bring up the system that activates security implants]
Merlin: Yes, please.
[he activates the security implants]
[we see the guards and world leaders to have their heads explode like fireworks]
Merlin: Oh, my God! That is fucking spectacular!
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, you’re a fucking genius!
[suddenly Eggsy hears thumping on the door he’s leaned against]
Princess Tilde: What the fuck is happening out there?
[Eggsy opens the hatch on the door to see Tilde]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Aren’t you that princess who went missing?
Princess Tilde: Can you get me out?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well if I do, will you give me a kiss? I’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.
Princess Tilde: If you get me out right now, I’ll give you more than just a kiss.
[as Eggsy goes to open the door suddenly Valentine’s voice comes up on the speakers]
Valentine: You motherfucker. Did you really think I was stupid enough to implant one of those things in my own head? What are you, fucking crazy? All those innocent people killed, and for what? You didn’t stop shit!
[Michelle is on the phone to Roxy after locking her daughter in the bathroom]
Michelle Unwin: Yeah, fine, I’ve locked the door. What do you want me to do now?
Roxy: As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key.
[back at Valentine’s base]
Valentine: It’s still happening!
[to Roxy as she pushes the key to the bathroom under the door]
Michelle Unwin: You’re fucking insane.
Roxy: Just do it.
[at the same time the signal goes live all around the world]
Merlin: Eggsy, the signal’s started! Get Valentine’s hand off that bloody desk now!
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sorry, love. Gotta save the world.
Princess Tilde: If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’ll be right back.
Princess Tilde: Good luck!
[as she watches the monitor showing where the signal has gone live]
[we see London is in chaos as people are beating each other up and Michelle tries break into the bathroom; Gazelle continues to watch the monitor]
[we see Rio is in chaos as people are beating each other up at the same time Eggsy finds Valentine and Gazelle, he shoots at them]
Gazelle: Get down!
[Gazelle grabs Valentine who takes his hand off the scanner stopping the signal]
Merlin: You did it!
[as Eggsy continues to shoot; to Valentine]
Gazelle: The glass is not gonna hold long. You stay here.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, quickly, how do I get up there?
Merlin: Keep shooting, I’ll find a route.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Understood.
[suddenly Gazelle bursts through the glass and starts shooting at Eggsy]
Valentine: Holy fuck!
[Gazelle and Eggsy start fighting, at the same time Valentine puts his hand back to activate the signal]
Valentine: We’re back up! We’re back up!
[we see the world is in chaos again as everyone is beating each other up]
Valentine: This is great!
Merlin: Eggsy! Fuckin’ get on with it!
Valentine: Kick his ass, Gazy!
[Gazelle and Eggsy continue to fight as Valentine watches which cities are being affected]
Valentine: Seoul, Caracas, Mumbai!
Valentine: Gazelle, kill that motherfucker! He killed all our friends!
Merlin: Eggsy, the world is going to shit!
Valentine: Is he dead yet?!
Gazelle: Not yet!
Valentine: Stop playing with your food! Kill him!
[Eggsy and Gazelle jump at each other, as Gazelle attempts to cut Eggsy with her legs, he her by cutting her with the blade in his shoe]
Valentine: Gazelle! Gazelle!
[we see the world continuing to be in chaos; to Eggsy]
Merlin: Come on, come on! Kill him!
Valentine: Fuck. Gazelle…!
[Eggsy pulls off one of Gazelle’s legs and hurls it at Valentine’s back, impaling him, which deactivates the signal, Valentine throws up and then falls]
Merlin: Well done, son!
Roxy: Yes! Yes, Eggsy!
Merlin: Well done, Eggsy. And you, Lancelot.
[Michelle holds her daughter in her arms after nearly killing her]
Michelle Unwin: I’m so sorry. Mummy would never hurt you. Mummy would never hurt you. I’m so sorry.
[she kisses her daughter]
Michelle Unwin: You okay?
[back at Valentine’s base]
Merlin: Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy. He was right.
[Eggsy walks over to Valentine’s body, he’s still alive]
Valentine: What’s up, man? Is this the part where you say some really bad pun?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Well, it’s like you said to Harry. This ain’t that kind of movie, bruv.
[Valentine takes one last breath before dying]
[last lines; Eggsy grabs a bottle of champagne with two glasses and rushes to Tilde’s cell]
Merlin: Eggsy, where are you going? There’s no need for champagne. We got loads in the plane.
[Eggsy walks over to Tilde’s cell]
Princess Tilde: Did you save the world?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, I did.
Princess Tilde: So, you gonna come in?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yes, I am.
[Eggsy tries to open the cell door]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, the cell’s locked. How do I get in?
Merlin: Twenty-six, Twenty-five.
[Eggsy unlocks the cell door]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Merlin, you’re the guv’nor.
Merlin: You owe me, Eggsy.
[Eggsy enters Tilde’s cell]
[Merlin sees on the monitor that Eggsy is getting ready to have sex with Tilde]
Merlin: Oh. Oh, my word.
[Merlin to turn closes the monitor]
[mid-credit scene; Michelle and Dean are sat in the pub listening to music]
Dean: Michelle, turn that shit off. It’s doing my nut in.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I rather like that song.
[Eggsy is standing in the pub dressed in his suit with his umbrella in his hand]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Leave it on, eh, Mum?
Dean: Muggsy’s back. You finally come to have that word with me, have you, son? Or are you gonna run away again and pretend you’re going to court dressed like that?
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, you mean this. No. I know this bloke who’s just taken over a tailor’s shop on Savile Row. He’s given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks. Including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on.
[Michelle smiles and goes to get up]
Dean: Sit down, you.
Dean: Only place she’ll be visiting is you in fucking hospital. Do you hear?
Michelle Unwin: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go. Please, just go, babe.
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Alright.
[Eggsy turns and stars walking towards the door]
Dean: Yeah, that’s it, do as Mummy says. Why don’t you ask that tailor friend of yours to knock up a nice chicken costume. It’d suit you, you mug.
[Eggsy stops and smiles to himself]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: As a good friend once said…
[he starts locking the pub door]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: “Manners maketh man.”
Dean: Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I’m gonna shove your manners up your fuck…
[Eggsy grabs a glass with the hook of his umbrella and throws it at Dean’s face, knocking him out; to Dean’s thugs]
Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So, are we gonna stand around here all day, or are we gonna fight?
Total Quotes: 142
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