Starring: Tiffany Haddish, Rose Byrne, Salma Hayek, Ari Graynor, Jacob Latimore, Karan Soni, Jimmy O. Yang, Seth Rollins, Natasha Rothwell, Jessica St. Clair, Billy Porter, Ashley Johnson, Jennifer Coolidge
Comedy directed by Miguel Arteta. The story follows two friends, Mia and Mel (Tiffany Haddish and Rose Byrne), who are living their best lives running their own cosmetics company they’ve built from the ground up. However, the prospect of a big buyout offer from a notorious titan of the cosmetics industry, Claire Luna (Salma Hayek), proves too tempting to pass up, putting Mel and Mia’s lifelong friendship in jeopardy.
Mia: Why is dream sex way better than real sex?
Mel: Because they come when you want them to.
Mia: Girl, that is so true. When I’m done, they’re done. Hello!
Mel: [to Mia] Do you ever think about all the stuff we’ve done and wonder how we did not die?
[after eating really hot peppers, Mia stuffs a lot of bread into her mouth
Friend #1: Woh, that’s a lot of carb!
[give a carton of milk to Mia]
Friend #2: Here you go, honey.
[Mia starts gulping down the milk]
Friend #2: It’s goat’s milk, so to coat the throat…
[just then Mia spits all the milk and chewed bread into her face]
Mia: [to Mel] We are two badass queens, like those b*tches who raised Wonder Woman. We’ve worked our asses off. We’ve opened up our own store, and we’re winning.
[as Mia is doing a teenager’s makeup]
Mel: So gorgeous.
Mia: Where are you headed tonight?
Homecoming Teenager: Homecoming.
Mia: No sex tonight, okay? Homecoming sex is the worst.
Mel & Mia’s Coworker: Plus, you’re only super tight for a limited time, so you don’t want to waste it.
Mel: We’re four hundred and ninety-three thousand dollars in debt.
Mia: What the f**k?
[to Mel and Mia]
Claire Luna: Hello, ladies. I’m Claire Luna.
Claire Luna: I am going to invest one point seven million dollars on you.
Mia: We would love a million dollars!
Claire Luna: But in my experience, business and friendship don’t always mix.
Mia: You don’t have to worry your pretty little head.
Claire Luna: My head is not little. It’s just that my breasts are humongous.
Claire Luna: If you want to be a businesswoman, you’re going to have to act like a boss. You have to fire him.
Mia: Barrett, you’re fired.
Mia: Don’t hate me, hate Mel. It was her idea.
Mia: Yes, it was your idea.
[they start bickering]
Barrett: Hey! Hey! Witness my tragic moment!
Claire Luna: You need to find your balls! Feel the balls, Mel.
[Mel awkwardly reaches out to touch Mel, but Claire smacks her hands away]
Claire Luna: Not mine!
Mel: I’m sorry!
Claire Luna: You touched my cuca!
Mel: I don’t want to touch your cuca!
Mia: [to Mel] I’m all about getting rich, just not like this.
Mel & Mia’s Coworker: [to Mel] Claire Luna is introducing a new product at her launch party.
Mel: She was just trying to steal our ideas!
Mia: We’re going to break this b*tch’s back.
[referring to Claire]
Mel: I punched that b*tch in the face.
Mia: I would marry you, if I was into coochie.
Claire’s Assistant: You’re a boss b*tch.
Claire Luna: Thank you.
Claire’s Assistant: You’re welcome.
[to Mel and Mia]
Claire’s Assistant: Per your contract, you now have to give Claire every dollar for the rest of your lives.
[to Mel; referring to Claire]
Mia: She ain’t getting away with this sh*t.
[at a baby shower; referring to her present]
Friend #2: This one is from Mel and Mia.
Baby Shower Mom: Baby’s first makeup kit.
Aunt Margo: Where did you get this?
Mel: We made it. We have our own makeup company.
Baby Shower Mom: What did you guys do?
[the cake is revealed and she squeals]
Mia: Oh, my God.
Mel: Are these chocolate sprinkles your p*bes?
Baby Shower Mom: This is so beautiful.
Mia: You’re talking about this frosted replica of your v**ina?
Baby Shower Mom: I got completely waxed though. I want a clean workspace for the doctor.
Friend #2: That is so considerate. I made them find it.
[as they are smoking weed]
Mia: We’re going to get our company back!
[they hear the baby cry]
Mel: Oh, sh*t. The baby’s here.
[referring to the weed]
Mia: Put it out. Put it out, girl!
[Mel drops the weed into the baby’s crib and it lands next to him]
Mia: That baby looks like he’s smoking.
[as they are walking up the stairs to the room]
Friend #2: Is that weed?
Mia: [quietly] We got to hide. Let’s go!
[the women find Mel and Mia on the balcony]
Friend #2: What in the literal f**k?
Mel: I don’t think he was inhaling, like…
Friend #2: What?!
Mia: Your baby is fine, not high. Nothing.
Friend #3: You guys, why didn’t you invite me to smoke with you?
[to Claire, after bumping into each other’s boobs]
Claire Luna: Ow!
Mel & Mia’s Coworker: Yours are made of stone!
Mel: [to Claire] You’re a lying, backstabbing, buck-toothed, Jessica Rabbit-looking m*therf**ker!
Mia: You’re yeasty, b*tch! Yeasty!
[to Mel and Mia]
Claire Luna: Baby, I own you.
Mia: If y’all don’t get Claire Luna down here right now, I’m going to jump!
Mel: She’s crazy. She will jump.
[after Mia tries to jump and is trying to hold on at the edge of the balcony]
Mia: Oh, I’m so glad I do planking!
[trying to pull her back]
Mel: Come on!
Mia: I’m sorry, white lady, if I die on you today!
Mia: [to Claire] You’re going to give us our company back.
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