Men in Black 3 Quotes

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[after they figure out that all of Boris’s victims hang out at a place called The Factory]
Agent J: Alright, look. If Boris turns out to be in here, I’m gonna kill him. I need my gun.
Young Agent K: No deal.
Agent J: I’ve been an agent for fourteen years, which means that I am the senior agent on this case. Now, I hate to pull rank, but as senior agent I am instructing my junior agent, that’s you, to give me my gun right now. That’s an order.
[young K hands J a hand gun]
Agent J: No, no, no. Space gun.
Young Agent K: You’re welcome.
[young K walks off]
Agent J: I didn’t say thank you.


[referring to the models they pass as they enter The Factory, which is where all super models hang out
Young Agent K: Such an ungainly species, they really thrive here on earth.
Agent J: Yeah, I was an agent for three years before I realized all models were aliens. I found out the hard way.


[referring to everyone at the party in The Factory]
Agent J: Is there anybody here who is not an alien?
[as they look around them J notices a man that looks like Andy Warhol taking photos]
Agent J: Is that Andy Warhol?
Young Agent K: Yep.


[as J and young K drag Warhol from the party]
Andy Warhol: Dammit, K! You trying to blow my cover?
[Warhol takes off his wig and glasses]
Young Agent K: Agent W, your cover is safe.
Agent J: Woh! Andy Warhol’s one of us?
Andy Warhol: Safe! You out of your mind? I’m starting to have ideas on painting soup cans and bananas, for Christ sakes!
Agent J: Actually, Mr. Warhol, I gotta tell you, I really love your work.
Andy Warhol: Oh. Oh. Thank you.


[to young K]
Andy Warhol: Who’s the dumbass?men-in-black-3-9
Agent J: Woh! Hey! How about a little professional courtesy here?
Andy Warhol: What’s that, dumbass?
Agent J: Say it again.
Andy Warhol: You want me to?
Agent J: I dare you.
Andy Warhol: Dumbass.
Young Agent K: Agents!
Agent J: You know, I don’t have no problem pimp-slappin’ the shiznit out of Andy Warhol.


Andy Warhol: What?
[young K turns to give J a cold look]
Agent J: Why you lookin’ at me? Oh, alright. You know what? Agent K, why don’t you see what information you can get from Agent W, and I’ll go case the perimeter. Does that work for everybody?
Andy Warhol: Go do that.
Agent J: Alright? How about that? Okay?
[J throws Warhol’s wig to the other side of the room and walks off]
Andy Warhol: Cute! Very nice. Did someone forget his nap? Huh?


[referring to J]
Andy Warhol: Who’s that guy? Okay, don’t tell me he’s your new partner.
Young Agent K: Actually, he’s my old partner. He travelled back from the future to save the planet…
Andy Warhol: Jesus! Stop, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know.


Andy Warhol: So what are you doin’ on my turf, K?
Young Agent K: Tracking a killer, a Bogladyte. We have reason to believe he’s gonna hit here next, Glamourian.
Andy Warhol: Glamourian?
Young Agent K: Mm.
Andy Warhol: Right solar system, wrong planet. He’s gotta be after the Arkanian.
Young Agent K: No, Arkanian’s are extinct.
Andy Warhol: Well, apparently they’re not. One washed ashore last week. The whole Roswell circuits all abuzz about it. Alien unicorn, last of its species. His name’s Griffin. Griffin The Arkanian.


[while young K is talking to Warhol, J encounters Griffin at the party not knowing who he is]
Agent J: How’s is it going?
Griffin: Going? How’s it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it’s good, things are good. Unless, of course, we’re in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[J watches as everything Griffin says happens]


Griffin: Or, if it’s the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I’m eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I’ll be good, I’ll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I’d have to say, not good. I’m not good.
[J gives Griffin a confused look]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: K!


Young Agent K: Well, how are we gonna find this guy?
Andy Warhol: What am I, a schmuck?
[Warhol points to the party]
Young Agent K: What, he’s here?
Andy Warhol: Well, here is a relative term. He’s a fifth dimensional being. They can live in and visualize an infinite set of time space probability simultaneously
Young Agent K: Alright, sounds like fun. Good work.
[young K turns to go back to the party]
Andy Warhol: Woh! Woh! K! K! K! You gotta fake my death, okay? I can’t listen to sitar music anymore.
Young Agent K: Alright, I’ll see what I can do. I’ll talk to X.
[young K turns to go back to the party]
Andy Warhol: K, I can’t tell the women from the men!


Griffin: May I see your watch?
Agent J: Oh, it is…
[J looks at his watch]
Agent J: Seven-eighteen.
Griffin: No! No! No! Your other watch. The one your father gave you?
Agent J: How do you know about my father’s watch?
[J takes out his father’s watch which is broken]
Griffin: Oh, dear. This is the one where Roman is dead and the gentlemen at the bowling alley. So much death. Such an infinitesimally small chance for success.
Agent J: [shouts] K!


[as Griffin is talking to J at Warhol’s party, young K appears beside Griffin]
Young Agent K: Griffin, right?
[Griffin nods his head]
Young Agent K: Okay, we’re here…
Griffin: Because of Boris The Animal.
Young Agent K: Correct. We believe that he may be coming to…
Griffin: Kill me. Yes, he’ll be here in two minutes. Unless, of course, we’re in the possible future where he made all the lights and got here early and is just about to discharge a weapon from the doorway. In which case, we’re all dead in two seconds.
[they all look at the door, waiting for Boris to appear but nothing happens]
Griffin: Ah, good! That was a close one. They consume any planet in their path! Mine, Roman’s! The Parlaxions are trying to stop them, but if we can stop them here, if we can deny them earth, we can stop them forever! They’ll starve before they reach the next planet. It’s…sixty three seconds.
Young Agent K: How do we do that, stop him?
Griffin: What? Oh, sorry! I have something for you, a gift. It can protect you. I had to hide it from Boris, but if you find me again, I’ll give it to you.


Griffin: What a game? Amazing! It’s a real miracle!
[Griffin turns to leave them]men-in-black-3-10
Agent J: Woh! Woh! What do you mean? What…what miracle?
Griffin: It’s what, thirty seconds? I have to go.
Agent J: Wait! No, no, no! We got you.
Griffin: Negative possibilities are multiplying as we speak. Twenty seconds!
Agent J: Alright. Just…we got you. Okay.
Griffin: If you’re watch is broken and I have gastric distress…
[he notices butterflies have been released at the party and are flying around]
Griffin: Oh, dear. This is the one where Boris is coming through that door in twelve, eleven, ten…
[turns to J]
Griffin: Wait! Did you have chocolate milk this morning?
Agent J: Yes.
[Griffin notices a woman walking towards them]
Griffin: Cindy!
[suddenly Boris appears by window and kills Cindy with his palm spike, Griffin runs off and Boris jumps out the window and J goes after him]


[after J tries to shoot Boris but loses his footing on the car he was standing on and falls and K helps him up]
Agent J: What you got?
Young Agent K: Nothing.
Agent J: Dammit! We had him!
Young Agent K: Relax, Cochise! We’ll find him.
Agent J: First of all, my name is J. Okay? It’s not son, it’s not slick and it damn sure ain’t no Cochise. I’m not gonna relax, cause we’re runnin’ out of time, we’re runnin’ out of clues and there’s an invasion coming! You’re not really recognizing my vocal intensity.


[after they realize they’ve lost Griffin too]
Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My granddaddy always said, if you got a problem that you can’t solve, helps to get out of your head. Pie, it’s good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: You’re granddaddy, heavy set man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We’ve been doing smart stuff, we’ve been following clues, doing real police work. It might me time we do somethin’ stupid. Somethin’ that ain’t got nothin’ to do with nothin’. Ah, you know what? Now I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let’s go get some dumbass pie!
[J walks off]
Young Agent K: Sounds good.


[at the diner, after ordering pie]
Agent J: World class serial killer out there, and we’re having pie.
Young Agent K: What do you do in your spare time, slick?
Agent J: Aah!
Young Agent K: You see, I sense you’re not embracing the concept here. Alright? The pie don’t work, unless you let it.
Agent J: I’m…I’m…I’m gonna let it.
Young Agent K: You said that we don’t talk, right? Go ahead, ask me any question, anything you want. As long it doesn’t have to do with case. You just let it rip.
Agent J: What’s up with you and O?
[young K smiles]
Young Agent K: Me and O?
Agent J: Yeah, you and O.
Young Agent K: Alright. Alright. Alright, this is it. A while back I was assigned to keep tabs on a musician, Mick Jagger. He’s in this British band, Rolling Stones?
Agent J: Rings a bell.
Young Agent K: Alright. We believed he was on the planet to breed with earth women. And so I was in London, that’s when I met O. Just smart, funny, with a great smile. And we find ourselves in this pub, which is a bar. Alright? Warm beer and the worst food you ever ate. We just played darts, until the sun came up. Neither of us wanted to leave.


Agent J: What the hell happened you, man?
Young Agent K: I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. Well, what about you, slick? In the future, you got yourself a girl?
Agent J: I got you.


[after J realizes that Griffin is at the arena to watch the Mets game]men-in-black-3-11
Young Agent K: If Griffin’s here for a game, he’s either here too early or too late.
Agent J: He’s here. We’ve just gotta find him before Boris does.
[K opens up the car trunk and takes out J’s gun, neuralizer and the time travel device]
Young Agent K: I think it’s time to give you your things back, partner.
Agent J: Well I see you pie in you, you get all mushy.
Young Agent K: I’m just tired of carrying your stuff.


[J and young K find Griffin watching the future version of the Mets game, he touches young K and J so they can see the game]
Agent J: So this is how you see things. This is amazing.
Griffin: It’s a gigantic pain in the ass, but it has its moments.
Agent J: Wait, this game doesn’t happen until October.
Griffin: Oh, it’s always October and November and March. So many futures and they’re all real, just don’t know which one will coalesce. Until then, they’re all happening, like this one. It’s my favorite moment in human history. All the things that had to converge for the Mets to win The World Series. They were in last place every single season until they won it all.
Young Agent K: You said you had a gift for us.
Griffin: That baseball for instance, thrown for the last hour of the game, manufactured in 1962 by the Spalding Factory at Chicopee Massachusetts, was aerodynamically flawed. Due to the horsehide being improperly tanned because Sheila, the tanner’s wife, left him for a Puerto Rican Golf pro that Sunday…
[J tries to stop him by doing the timeout sign with his hands]


Agent J: Um…the gift?
Griffin: Oh, oh, yes. Of course. In the box.
[young K opens the cracker box and takes out the gift]
Uh…it’s the surprise. To protect the earth, it’s a shield.
[to young K]
Agent J: Shield. Arkanian, Ark Net. That’s what you did. You put up the Ark Net.
Young Agent K: How did I do that?
Griffin: When that ball is pitched to David Johnson, who only became a baseball player because his father couldn’t find a football to give him for his eighth Birthday. It hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones, who would have been born Clara, a statistical typist, if his parents didn’t have an extra glass wine that night before going to bed. A miracle is what seems impossible but happens anyway.
[Griffin takes the Shield from young K]
Griffin: I lost my planet. I don’t want you to lose yours. It’ll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you’ll be my new favorite moment in human history.
[he pauses for a moment]
Griffin: Oh, dear! I forgot to see this one coming.
[suddenly Boris zooms in on a motorcycle from behind them and snatches Griffin]


[after young K and J use the MIB space cycles to chase after Boris]
Young Agent K: You alright there, chief?
Agent J: Hell, yeah! I’d be better with four wheels, two is like my minimum.


[as they are chasing after Boris]
Young Agent K: What happens if Boris gets the Ark Net.
Agent J: Bogladytes invasion, total destruction of earth!


Young Agent K: Hey, slick. In the future, do we ever do the “Texas Two-Step”?
Agent J: Yes, sir!
[they use the “Texas Two-Step” to snatch Griffin and crash Young Boris’ motorcycle]


Young Agent K: Did you get him?
Agent J: Give me a sec.
[J gets off the MIB bike to get closer to where Boris crashed]
Agent J: Negative. He got away.
Young Agent K: Well, I got Griffin. Let’s get out of here.


[after old Boris arrives into the past and finds younger Boris as he’s just found out that he hasn’t got the Ark Net from Griffin]
Boris The Animal: You pathetic waste of Bogladyte flesh. I’d kill you right now, if I didn’t value my own life.
Young Boris The Animal: Who are you?
Boris The Animal: Look at you. Every mistake I’ve ever made just waiting to happen.
Young Boris The Animal: What happened to my arm?
Boris The Animal: You lose it, shot off by a human.
Young Boris The Animal: No human could defeat me.
Boris The Animal: You spend the next forty years in prison, chained up like an animal.
Young Boris The Animal: No prison can hold me!
Boris The Animal: They build one especially for us, on the moon.
Young Boris The Animal: No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already.
Boris The Animal: Stop arguing! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!
Young Boris The Animal: You were defeated! You let it get shot off! That wasn’t me! That was you!


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Total Quotes: 95



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