Spoiler Alert (2022) Best Movie Quotes

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Starring: Jim Parsons, Ben Aldridge, Sally Field, Bill Irwin

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story:

Bio-comedy drama directed by Michael Showalter. Spoiler Alert (2022) centers on writer Michael Ausiello (Jim Parsons), who embarks on a roller-coaster ride of emotions when he enters into a relationship with photographer Kit Cowan, that then takes a tragic turn when Cowan is diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Our Favorite Quotes:

'You have to run the race in front of you, because that's all there is.' - Marilyn (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Best Quotes

Michael Ausiello: This isn’t how our story was supposed to end. But meeting you in the first place was the plot twist I never expected.

Michael Ausiello: I remember watching daytime soap operas with my mom. All those sad people in hospitals. I was determined that my story was going to be a happy one. And for a while, it was. I fancied myself as the star of my very own workplace comedy. A little Liz Lemon, and a lot of Will Truman.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to the club] I don’t belong here.
Nick: Sure, you do. It’s Jock Night, and you’re a runner.
Michael Ausiello: I’m a jogger. I’m not a runner. Jogging’s not a sport.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to Kit] And there you were, like some sweatband-wearing matinee idol.

Nick: [referring to Kit] Oh. That guy is definitely into you.
Michael Ausiello: He was with a woman.
Nick: No man in this club has been with a woman in years, if ever.

Nina: You are so his type.
Kit Cowan: Okay, she’s had a few too many.
Nina: No, I haven’t. Yes, I have. Yes, I have. But you are still his type. Well, because you’re like a dweeb.
Michael Ausiello: I’m what?
Kit Cowan: Tall. She means tall. You mean tall.
Nina: Yes. A tall dweeb. That is what I meant.

Nina: Everybody has a type. My type is very handsome gay men. Which is why I am hopelessly single.
Kit Cowan: It’s truly a tragedy.
Michael Ausiello: Well, for me.
Kit Cowan: I think for maybe both of us.

Kit Cowan: You’re a great dancer.
Michael Ausiello: You’re a terrible liar.

'You always felt like premium cable to my network sitcom.' - Michael Ausiello (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Kit Cowan: What’s your scene?
Michael Ausiello: I’m more of a “work late, go to bed early” kind of guy.

Michael Ausiello: [as they’re kissing] I don’t even know your name.
Kit Cowan: It’s Kit.
Michael Ausiello: Wait. Really? You’re Kit? Oh, God. I’m Michael. It’s like Michael and KITT from Knight Rider. It’s that David Hasselhoff show from the ’80s. Ran ninety episodes.
Kit Cowan: So this is kismet, then?
Michael Ausiello: Sure. Except that KITT was a talking car, and the show wasn’t very good.

Michael Ausiello: You do own a TV set, right?
Kit Cowan: I think my roommate Kirby does. Is that shocking to you?
Michael Ausiello: Shocking? No, it’s not shocking. I’ve heard of people who don’t have TVs, but I’ve never met one.

Michael Ausiello: I’m not really much of a drinker. I don’t really like the taste, or the empty calories. What about you? Drunkard or junkie?
Kit Cowan: I’m a photographer.
Michael Ausiello: Both then.

Kit Cowan: [referring to marriage] I mean, it started as the literal selling of chattel. I don’t know if I want to be a part of that ritual.
Michael Ausiello: I think some rituals are kind of sweet. And some rituals are actually very important. What’s chattel?
Kit Cowan: I don’t know. I think it’s like cattle that chats.
Michael Ausiello: Talking cows?

'I think you may need to spend time apart if you really want to come back together.' - Tony (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Michael Ausiello: Can I just say that this Diet Coke is the perfect syrup-to-carbonation ratio? This is like Chipotle-level perfect. No one does Diet Coke like Chipotle.

Mrs. Ausiello: [to young Michael] What have I always told you? It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Michael Ausiello: You are so confident. I mean, you just ripped off your clothes like you’re a stripper at a bachelorette party, and you look incredible. And I’m an FFK. You don’t know what that is, do you?
Kit Cowan: No. No.
Michael Ausiello: I’m a former fat kid. So I have some body issues. Like I basically shower with clothes on.

Michael Ausiello: It is awkward to realize you’re gay at the same moment your mother is realizing that you’re realizing you’re gay.

'I'm afraid of what the end looks like.' - Kit Cowan (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Nina: So you must be Michael.
Michael Ausiello: I didn’t realize I was in “must be” territory.

Nina: What is your whole life story? One sentence. Tell me everything. Actually, you know what? Let’s make it fun. Life story. One word. Go.
Michael Ausiello: Basically.
Nina: “Basically.” Oh, I like that. That is fascinating.

Kit Cowan: [referring to the photograph] At best, it belongs in a high-end doctor’s office.
Nina: Stop. You’re being generous. I could see this in a low-end dentist’s office.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to entering his apartment] Before we go in. I want to remind you that your friends said that they really like me.
Kit Cowan: Oh, Jesus. Just open the door.
Michael Ausiello: Okay. I mean, I’m just a person like everyone.
Kit Cowan: Come on. Let me see your apartment. Come on.

Kit Cowan: [referring to the Smurfs collection in Michael’s bedroom] Oh, my God. They’re in here too.
Michael Ausiello: [to his Papa Smurf statue] Oh, Papa.

'I don't know what's next for me, honestly. You know, it's strange. Everyone will still be here, and I'll be gone.' - Kit Cowan (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Michael Ausiello: [referring to the Smurfs collection] My favorite was Vanity Smurf, who I now realize was a total closet case, like I was.

Michael Ausiello: I’m worried that I’m going to fall in love with you, and you’re going to break my heart. That scares me.
Kit Cowan: I guess we scare each other.
Michael Ausiello: I guess we do.

Michael Ausiello: Smurfgate almost derailed us. But by Christmas, we were back on track.

Michael Ausiello: Oh, God. Am I going back in the closet?
Kit Cowan: Oh, they wouldn’t accept you.

'Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for loving me. You can go now.' - Michael Ausiello (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Michael Ausiello: I love…
Kit Cowan: Love you.
Michael Ausiello: What the hell? That was my line.
Kit Cowan: Well, you hesitated. You snooze, you lose.
Michael Ausiello: No. I did not hesitate.
Kit Cowan: You did.
Michael Ausiello: I was getting the words room to breathe.
Kit Cowan: Well, let the record show I said it first.
Michael Ausiello: No. Kit, at the very least, we’ve said it at the same time.
Kit Cowan: That’s not what the record shows.

Kit Cowan: I need you to go to my apartment and clean up.
Michael Ausiello: What do you want? You mean like make the bed?
Kit Cowan: No, I need you to hide anything that looks gay.
Michael Ausiello: You want me to de-gay your apartment?
Kit Cowan: Yes, de-gay my apartment.

'I wanted our story to be a picture-perfect, happy-ending love story. But what we got was a real love story.' - Michael Ausiello (Spoiler Alert) Click To Tweet

Marilyn: [referring to Michael] You met at a bar?
Kit Cowan: Yeah.
Bob: I get that. It’s two guys out, catting around. Meeting chicks. You know, a wingman needs a wingman.

Marilyn: [referring to Michael] What is going on here? Who is this guy? What’s happening? Why is he still here? I don’t understand. You’re acting so weird. And you don’t even look us in the face. You’re acting so weird!
Kit Cowan: He’s my boyfriend, Mom!
Marilyn: Your boyfriend?
Kit Cowan: Yes. I’m gay.
Michael Ausiello: I’m gay too.
Kirby: I am also gay. I am.

See more Spoiler Alert Quotes

Kit Cowan: [after coming out to his parents] I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react. It’s not an easy thing to talk about.
Bob: I think it’s great, Kit. I think it’s great that you gays, that you guys have each other. And we may not look like it, but we are actually kind of hip, your mother and I. And we were going to go to Woodstock, you know.

Kit Cowan: Your love of Christmas is…
Michael Ausiello: Inspiring? Yeah. Let’s go with inspiring. That’s what I thought you were going to say.

Kit Cowan: We’re taking the first annual Kit and Mike Christmas photo.
Michael Ausiello: You’re not so Scroogey after all.

Kit Cowan: [during couples therapy] Well, we’ve been having a few minor problems.
Michael Ausiello: Problems. Yeah. For one thing, our sex life leaves a little to be desired.
Kit Cowan: By which Michael means his clothes are dead-bolted to his body.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to Kit, during couples therapy] He is never not stoned. There’s a corner of our bedroom that has started to look like the pot version of Walter White’s meth lab.

Michael Ausiello: [during couples therapy] When Kit and I first started dating, he didn’t even own a television, and now I feel like he watches more than I do.
Kit Cowan: How would you know? You’re never home. He never leaves the office, which is weird. And how hard can it possibly be to recap an episode of Grey’s Anatomy?
Michael Ausiello: That is a deceptively complex show.

Michael Ausiello: I’m sorry I have deadlines, but my readers depend upon me.
Kit Cowan: It’s TV, Mike. You’re not saving the world. It’s not art.

Tony: [to Michael and Kit] I think you guys resent each other. But you love each other too much to part ways. I think you may need to spend time apart if you really want to come back together.

Nurse Meg: Allergies?
Kit Cowan: Hot yoga. Shareable plates. Penicillin.

Kit Cowan: Hey, honey. I’m cancer. I mean, I’m home.
Michael Ausiello: That’s not funny, Kit.

Michael Ausiello: [to Kit] I’m not letting you go through this alone. You don’t get a choice in that matter. And you should stay here this week. All these doctors are in Manhattan. Perfectly healthy people have died waiting on the L Train.

Kit Cowan: I’m scared.
Michael Ausiello: I’m scared too.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to Kit’s diagnosis] It was beginning to seem like we might dodge a worst-case cancer diagnosis. And as if to seal the deal, our final doctor looked like she stepped straight out of hair and makeup and onto the set of a TV show. A good one. I was in love with her. Until she opened her mouth.
Dr. Lucas: You have an extremely aggressive form of neuroendocrine cancer. Your tumor is what we call high-grade.
Kit Cowan: I’m sorry. What?

Michael Ausiello: Give my husband a bed. He has a rectal tumor the size of the Death Star. He needs a bed. We were promised a bed.
Nurse Ruth: All the beds are occupied, sir.
Michael Ausiello: I don’t care where you have to go and find one! I don’t care if you have to go to Ikea and buy one. I don’t care if you have to go to Jennifer Convertibles. Give my husband a bed!
Nurse Ruth: Okay, sir. Okay. We’ll find your husband a bed.
Michael Ausiello: Thank you.

Kit Cowan: Well that was Oscar-worthy.
Michael Ausiello: It worked for Shirley MacLaine.
Kit Cowan: I think the “husband” detail really swung it for you.
Michael Ausiello: Well, “boyfriend” didn’t seem dramatic enough.

Marilyn: Thank you for inviting us.
Michael Ausiello: No. No. It was Kit’s idea. He wanted you here. I was vehemently opposed to it.
Marilyn: You brat.

Michael Ausiello: Are you afraid to die?
Kit Cowan: I’m afraid of what the end looks like. But am I afraid of dying? No. I’ve had a great life, Mike. And I want you to be happy too. That includes meeting someone.

Michael Ausiello: [to Kit] I’m sorry that I made you carry so much of my baggage for so many years, and making you feel like the bad guy so many times when you didn’t deserve to. I’m sorry I never told you how good your a** looks in your khaki pants. Because it does. And I couldn’t do it because I was afraid if you understood how beautiful you are that you’d leave me. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Kit Cowan: Welcome to the Stoners Club, Michael Ausiello. We’ve been waiting for you for a long time. And now you know how Cherry Garcia feels.

Kit Cowan: We’ve been through so much. We’re about to go through more. I want to be your husband.
Michael Ausiello: You’re calling me chattel. That’s what you said.

Kit Cowan: Will you marry me?
Michael Ausiello: Oh, my God.
Kit Cowan: No rush, Mike, but I feel obliged to tell you that I’m dying here.
Michael Ausiello: Yes. Yes.

Michael Ausiello: [referring to Kit] How long does he have?
Nurse Claudia: Couple of hours. Maybe more, maybe less. He can hear you. Talk to him. Tell him you love him. Assure him you’ll be okay without him. I’m so sorry.

Michael Ausiello: What if this didn’t have to happen? What if this were just a scene from our story? A scene from the TV show of our life. How amazing would that be? If none of this was real. If I could just go back to being a TV journalist, and you could be an actor on a show.

Michael Ausiello: Your character on the show has been very popular, and everyone hates to see you go, so what is next for you?
Kit Cowan: I don’t know. There are a lot of possibilities out there, so. I don’t know what’s next for me, honestly. You know, it’s strange. Everyone will still be here, and I’ll be gone.
Michael Ausiello: And how do you feel right now?
Kit Cowan: Ooh. Great question. I guess I feel like I’ll miss this. I’ll miss this a lot.

Michael Ausiello: What about me, Kit? What should I do next?
Kit Cowan: You’ll know.

Kit Cowan: You’re going to be okay.
Michael Ausiello: Yeah. I’m going to be okay. It’s going to be incredibly hard, but I’m going to be okay. Thank you for the past thirteen years. Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for loving me. You can go now.

Michael Ausiello: I was always afraid Kit would break my heart. And eventually, he did. But not in the way I feared he would. He broke it open in a way that somehow made room for even more love, both to receive and to give. And so, I hope that you’ll understand me when I say that this ride with Kit was, to me, a gift. It was the greatest honor I believe I will ever have to have been by his side for it all.

Marilyn: I think he would’ve liked your eulogy.
Michael Ausiello: I think he would’ve thought it was too long.
Marilyn: Well, probably.

Michael Ausiello: The hardest thing about a story ending is that you have to say goodbye to your favorite characters. To your favorite people. A good TV show can make real life seem like it makes sense. And a good ending can feel like the end of one thing and the beginning of another. Sometimes the hero dies. Sometimes we only get fourteen Christmas trees when we thought we’d have forty. And then an old friend reminded me that sometimes the main character has to take a leap of faith that involves packing a suitcase and traveling across the country. I don’t know. Maybe that’s too on the nose.

Michael Ausiello: I wanted our story to be a picture-perfect, happy-ending love story. But what we got was a real love story. I’m ready. I’ll just shut up now.

Trailer: