By David F. (Lindon, Utah, USA)

 

<<<<<!!!Be Very Aware that this Movie Review Contains Spoilers!!!>>>>>

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Spoiler Alert!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There are so many problems with Star Wars 8 that I’m positive I will miss more than a few of them but none-the-less starting from the best of my memory from the beginning of the movie; let me begin:

#1 GRAVITY, in space!?!?

OK, since when did gravity in space (meaning outside the atmosphere of a planet) ever exist in the Star Wars Saga!?!?!?!??? Am I right? I never remember it ever existing in space in the Star Wars Saga until Episode 8. Now the bombers are dropping their payloads in space and gravity is pulling it towards anything, how? Just how? What the fuck, seriously, just a HUGE WTF!?!?!?

Yeah, I know what the naysayers who disagree with me will say. Well, you also wouldn’t be able to hear sound in space and all the other scientific arguments, because my argument is somewhat a scientific argument. But my argument is also specifically a Star Wars Saga argument as well and in no other previous Star Wars episode was their gravity in space except for episode 5. The missiles or proton torpedoes as they were called in previous episodes they were propelled by some type of propulsion system. The only exception was the one very large asteroid in The Empire Strike Back (Episode 5) that the Millennial Falcon was hiding in, but then if you factor in that the tie bombers were very close to the surface of the asteroid there might have been enough gravitational pull to pull their bombs into the surface. Also, consider the bombs could have been pulled in just by the rotation of the huge asteroid. In part 8 they were clearly outside of any planet’s atmosphere or gravitational pull and the bombs were just falling for an unknown reason of any kind.

#2 ROSE (Fin’s new girlfriend) and Gravity (in space) yet again!

Rose doesn’t die when the vacuum of space is wide open when the bomb chute is opened!?!? Plus she falls down this large length of the ship and lands right next to the open chute at the end of the ladder and she is somehow mustering up more and more strength to kick that metal ladder harder and harder so GRAVITY will again somehow wiggle loose the remote control which releases the bombs, which use GRAVITY to fall out of the ship. Again, with the Gravity, Seriously!!!??? This is just absurd!! I’m totally pissed at how the director, producer, Disney, all of the people who fucked over one of my used to be favorite movie Saga’s of all time; I’m seriously pissed off at this completely retarded introduction of Gravity in space to the Saga which has no explanation or logic at all!!!

Plus that there is no longer a vacuum in space which immediately sucks all air out, which by the way mostly existed in the previous episodes and also exists again, later on, in this same episode!!! So the vacuum of space disappears randomly for this scene alone. At least George Lucas kept the level of reality in the films consistent but I guess Disney figured well Lucas fucked up the prequels let’s just fuck over everything else possibly good in the series, I mean we already wasted 4 billion dollars on this pile of shit, who fucking cares anymore!

#3 POE

Poe is the best pilot of all time, even better than the great Anakin Skywalker, or even Luke, and he has to go blasting everything in sight even after their forces have dwindled down to like 50 people left in the entire Rebel Fleet. I don’t care how good you are you aren’t going to risk that many people when you are that low on people. So Poe is basically the stupidest person in the galaxy and the best pilot as well, that’s an unfortunate skillset. Yet somehow Poe still fails to take out the missile turrets after taking out the entire Dreadnought’s main laser cannons, what a moron!

#4 LUKE SKYWALKER, DISNEY’S COMPLETE FUCK UP!!!

So we go back to where we left off in 7, Rey just arrives at the Island planet of the sacred Jedi text and meets the famed Jedi, Luke Skywalker, who defeated the all-powerful dreaded Darth Vader, and the Emperor, and essentially the Empire. OK, here’s where 8 starts to blowjob donkeys in a back alley. First off, the last time we saw Luke Skywalker he was victorious over the evil 2nd shielded Death Star, and the Empire pretty much looked as if they had gotten their ass kicked pretty good. Luke’s victorious bout against fighting off the hatred he had for Darth Vader, his Father. Luke had the chance to off his evil father after besting him in lightsaber dueling for good but he was victorious, he overcame the dark influence to destroy his father essentially the dark side of the force that the Emperor was tempting Luke to use and then take Darth Vader’s place at his, the Emperor’s, side. Luke triumphantly declares after choosing not to end his father’s life “I’ll never join the dark side!” Then we know the rest, Emperor Palpatine tried to off Luke and Vader finishes off Palpatine. This is nearly the last resolve we see from Luke.

Now Luke returns in episode 8 as this old bum, a has-been Jedi hermit? He’s given up on using the Force entirely and wants nothing to do with the battle between Good and Evil!?!?!?!? Fuck no! You have got to be kidding me!!! What the fuck! Just a huge NO!!! I mean what in the fucking hell!?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me? But I digress…

This is what the stupid fucking idiots at Disney decided to do with the greatest hero of my entire childhood! They decided to make him ass fuck himself in front of the whole goddamn universe. Lordy, lordy, lordy, holy fucking shit son of a bitch!!!! Well, enough of my complaints and filthy mouth expletives but seriously Disney you all are FUCKING MORONS, THIS IS NOT THE LUKE SKYWALKER THAT LEFT US IN EPISODE 6!!! LUKE WOULD NEVER HAVE DROPPED THE FIGHT! HE WOULD’VE FOUGHT TO HIS DEATH!!!! I MEAN LOOK AT THE EMPEROR AND DARTH VADER, IF THAT SHIT WASN’T GOING TO STOP LUKE THEN THAT PRISSY ASS SCHOOL GIRL KYLO-BITCH-REN WASN’T EVEN GOING TO MAKE LUKE FLINCH!!!! JESUS CHRIST! DISNEY!! YOU ARE ALL FUCKING RETARDED AS FUCKING HELL!!!!!

#5 COPYCATS!

Well, officially Disney owns the rights to it all now, so who gives a fuck!?!? Obviously, Disney doesn’t, but we the fans might!

At this point the movie starts to pretty much copy portions of episode 5 and 6 with only a few completely pointless side stories and useless dribble or plain straight up shitty as hell writing.

You know episode 7 did this pretty badly as well, 7 pretty much-copied episode 4 and just added little things here and there to change it up a tiny bit and there are tons of pointless things in 7 that I’m not going to go into because many of those things were covered in great detail already by other reviewers, but here’s a link to one of the best reviews which I believe captured all of the fuck ups by Disney in episode 7: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miVRaoR_8xQ&t=1s

Anyways, as I was saying the rest of episode 8 is essentially copying portions of episode 5 and 6. So to take you back to Episode 5 where Luke is in desperate need to discover how to hone his new skills as an apprentice Jedi and learn the ways of the force. He heads to Dagobah to learn from Master Jedi Yoda. Well, here we are back to episode 8 and instead of Luke going to learn from Yoda in Dagobah, we have Rey coming to Island planet to learn from Luke. If you remember right in 5 Yoda doesn’t come right and explain that he is Yoda and is actually somewhat reluctant to teach young Luke the ways of the force being that most of the Jedi start from near toddlers in training. But eventually once Luke realizes that Yoda is the swamp creature he has befriended the voice of Obi-wan Kenobi is heard explaining to Yoda that when he (Obi-wan) was in training that he was young and foolish too.

Yoda then softens up and trains Luke. Back to episode 8 Rey is persistent and follows Luke around for several days on the island planet and Luke refuses to teach her but then Yoda appears from beyond the Force veil (or whatever they call it) as a spirit Jedi and pretty much tells Luke to train the bitch. Also, if you remember correctly in 5 Luke has a face-off with Darth Vader in the cave but he chops Darth’s head off in the fight in the cave and the helmet explodes and the face inside the helmet was his own. Anyways, back to episode 8, the training was much quicker because somehow (Yet another Disney no explanation at all fuck up!) Rey is already a super way more powerful force user than Luke or perhaps even Yoda ever was.

So the training is like 2 minutes, or seconds, or whatever, and then Rey wants to go to the dark cavernous place on the island planet and Luke is somewhat unhappy about it like “why do you want to go so soon?” Again, no reason as to what’s up with that other than it’s kind of copying 5 when Yoda is like “Your weapons, you will not need them.” So Rey goes into the evil cavern place and sees mirror-like reflections of herself I think the message they were aiming for is you are your own worst enemy. A likely story. Anyways, so 8 pretty much copies episode 5’s side plot and training routine.

#6 WTF IS UP WITH THE FORCE’S NEW FOUND ABILITIES???

OK, before I begin, some of these force issues are Disney’s fault, and some are Lucas’ fault. Honestly, I do not know exactly which is whose fault, but I’ll explain it the best I can.

I’ll be honest I’ve never seen it spelled out before, I do not know of any printed material that explains exactly what abilities and or limitations that the force actually has to it. Obviously, we know how it is explained in the movies that it is the life force that exists in all things the force that penetrates you and surrounds you and encircles all existing matter, but nothing ever explains exactly what it can do for a wielder of the Force, say a Jedi or Sith etc. We do know from the movies that occasionally the Force will reveal future events to one who is focusing on the Force powers, or meditating for such reasons. So I’m kind of left with what only the previous movie episodes provide you with, and I’ll admit I watched the Clone Wars and Rebels cartoons and they get mighty thrifty with their force using options and the cartoons even made me say “um, I’m not sure about that…?” quite a few times, but needless to say there were more than few things that happened with the forces abilities in some the cartoons that really made me say “why Lucas, why!?!?” But for the record, none of the ridiculous Force abilities ever happened in any of the actual movies that Lucas directed (Episodes 1-6).

So here we are in Episode 8 which, yes, some of the ridiculous force abilities in part 8 have happened in the Lucas overseen cartoons (I’m not sure if Lucas had complete direction over the cartoons) but never before in the actual movies which to me really made the Force start becoming somewhat retarded. You have to provide parameters of a ‘powers’ (In this case the Force’s abilities) abilities or you simply start to bore your audience. So in the very first movies 4-6 the force does seem to have its limitations and I’m very comfortable with those limitations. In parts 1-3 the force seems to gain a few abilities and for some reason lose a few as well, I have a few hang-ups with how some things went down in the prequels Force-ability-wise but for the most part, I’m OK with it.

a. Jedi Mind Trick – In episode 1, I mainly hate that the stupid elephant fly bug thing was unable to be affected by the Jedi mind trick. The character the Jedi’s try to use it on seemed to be a very unintelligent character, and creature, I highly doubt that stupid elephant fly bug thing was a genius on any level! in fact, I’m positive the genius Anakin Skywalker who built C3PO out of spare parts plus his own speed racer thing could easily have outsmarted that retarded elephant fly thing, yet the elephant fly thing is immune to Jedi mind tricks, not likely!

b. Lightsabers & The Force – The lightsaber was supposed to be a very important and rare weapon that only Jedi and Sith can use, essentially wielders of the Force. So then here’s my problem, yes, Lucas obviously created those stupid stick-like weapons that can deflect Lightsabers and combat with Lightsaber wielders as well because they were in the prequels (episodes 1-3) and those stick-like saber weapons were a poor choice, in my opinion, on Lucas’ part. But seriously, should anything be as awesome as a lightsaber, and powerful as a lightsaber? Personally, I say no, that’s why the Jedi were so feared and awesome! They were like the police force of the galaxy and no one could stop them. So the stupid lightsaber wanna-be stick saber things really just suck all together! Lucas honestly should never have created them, to begin with! That’s just the way I feel about them.

Now in part 8, I have problems with how the Force works with lightsabers because in all previous MOVIE EPISODES, NOT THE CARTOONS, a lightsaber has never been turned on using ONLY the Force from a distance (meaning that never before has a lightsaber been able to be turned on when the lightsaber was not in the person’s hand, IN A STAR WARS MOVIE), from what I can remember, though I might be wrong. I’ve seen a lightsaber be thrown and it remained on and deadly but that was after it was turned on by a Force user in his/her hand. However, Kylo-Ren turns on Luke’s lightsaber (Again, it’s is not his own lightsaber so obviously the crystal in the saber does not require specific attunement or anything like that which you would think that it would be required too, but nope.) And he does it from a distance using the Force and kills Overlord Snoke with it, which that entire scene has so many problems I have an entirely different section just to explain how royally fucked up that scene is.

But, again, the force is much different in the cartoons, I also don’t know if Lucas authorized those uses of the Force, or not? The cartoon people may have just said let’s do this.., and after the fact, Lucas might have said: “well, it’s in there now, so oh well…”

The problems are pretty big with being able to turn on lightsabers using only the Force from a distance. Let’s just assume it has always been possible. Well, here are just a few problems: Anytime an opposing Force user is nearby they can just use the Force to turn on their opponents lightsaber(s) and most likely it or they will be in your waistband and then, sure enough, it turns on and you’re mortally wounded. This is a HUGE problem folks! Why haven’t Force users been using this old trick for thousands of years??? So then, why are they still carrying their turned off Lightsabers on their waistbands? They would need very special cases to hold them etc. etc. etc. The list of problems goes on, so much so, that it almost entirely defeats the purpose of such a weapon.

c. Other Random Force Abilities that also make no sense in part 8.

1. Temporarily Visiting Netherrealm Jedi Spirits Can Summon Very Powerful Lightning Bolts of Fiery Death!

Yoda’s spirit can now summon powerful lightning to destroy the all-important, but until now, completely useless, original Jedi texts which teach how to do all things Jedi. So Jedi spirits have the ability to summon powerful lightning bolts? Wow, maybe instead of giving up on everything Luke should’ve just asked Yoda and maybe a few of the other Nether Realm Jedi’s to appear in a place near Kylo-Ren and his evil knights and just summon some huge fucking lightning bolts and fry their Sith asses! Luke should have known that was possible because he had the damn original Jedi texts right there on the island the whole time. Then Luke could keep training the good Jedi’s that wanted to fight for the right causes and help the Rebels out while continuing to fight off the First Order when they were trying to rebuild their evil forces up from the ashes of the remaining Empire…, a Star Wars story which Disney is still yet to make and fuck up. This new ability also creates several problems for previous Star Wars episodes.

2. Powerful Force Wielders can Mind Meld Unknowing and most likely Unwilling Force Users for random periods of time.

So now the Force can also mind meld other Force users minds together without their willingness, or understanding of how it is happening. Snoke melds together Rey and Kylo-Ren’s mind a few times throughout the movie so as to make them think about each other for some unknown reason…? Snoke said in the movie that it was to bring them together or something like that, I can’t quite remember as Snoke dies only moments after explaining. But it was a very stupid explanation! As if they weren’t going to meet up regardless of this new useless and unexplained ability of the Force.

3. You can also now use the Force to make perfect holograms of yourself doing apparently any actions possible across the galaxy while meditating.

Well, this one is my personal favorite of the new found Force abilities. Why not just sit back and relax on an island beach planet and meditate the entire Sith and Jedi war, of course, until they find out you are only a hologram. After that happens you’ll have to get off your lazy Jedi ass to go fight them in person again. But hey, if you went out and fought them off for the first ten-twenty times then you could just start going back to the hologram thing because no one would know the difference. After the first few times of getting their ass chopped up with a lightsaber, you would not want that to happen again, so you know they would be hauling ass out of there even if it was just your hologram coming.

#7 THERE IS NO FUCKING POINT FOR FIN AND ROSE TO GO ANYWHERE!

This is where we get just pure crappy, fucking shitty writing. So the First Order has found the Rebels again, they pretty much decimate their last little base that they were on and they all group up and get their asses out of there but the First Order is right on the heels of the last little group of the Rebels fleet ships. The Rebels have exhausted all of this last fleets long term fuel, or hyperspace fuel, so they can only use impulse engine power but luckily the only forces after them are large First Oder ships, Star Destroyers, and the like, so this for some unknown reason makes it so they too can only use their impulse engines to try and catch them, again, we (the audience) don’t understand why this situation is a problem for the First Order, because they have hundreds, even thousands, of fighter ships on each of these large ships that could easily come over and destroy the rest of the Rebel fleet but for the sake of needing some kind of fucking pointless plot this is the only situation the fucking retarded writers could think up.

(During the previous battle of the last Rebel base Princess Leia gets blown out into space and she apparently uses her Force abilities that were very slightly hinted upon in episode 6 to save herself from the vacuum of space, the same vacuum of space that Rose is immune to, I explain how fucked up that Leia scene is in another section.) The director realizes there is no point for some of the new made up characters that have already been created in part 7. But, they have already been put into the storyline albeit pointlessly, needless to say, the useless main characters are there so the director says “let’s create some bull shit for them to go and do.”

Ultimately, there is no fucking reason whatsoever for Vice Admiral Holdo (randomly Purple haired lady) to not tell Poe what the real escape plan is, which we all know was to escape to the nearby planet that has an old Rebel base on it, which by the way seems a lot like a desert Hoth planet, just saying. But seriously why would she hold back that simple information from the very few Rebels that were still alive? Just why? To make them all fear a horrible awful death in the middle of space? No, that’s not it! Oh, wait, Eureka! I know! She wouldn’t tell them so as to create a purpose for the useless main characters!

As we know Fin and Rose go off secretly to find yet another useless character in the film that if you can believe it, even further fucks up the Star Wars Saga’s history (I’ll explain this further in a separate section). Yes, they go to this retarded rich planet which is nothing but a casino planet where filthy rich people in the galaxy go to waste money that they have a never-ending supply of. They go to this casino planet in search of an insanely great code hacker dude who can get them aboard the evil Overlord Snoke’s insanely huge spaceship (which is following the last Rebel ships at a very slow speed) without the First Order realizing it. Somehow, Fin and Rose end up in prison (I think because they were too poor or something…) and while they are there they find this sleazy code breaker dude. He wasn’t exactly the one they were after but he foots the bill close enough because he shows them that he can unlock a door so they figure he’s going to be good enough. So they decide to take him because they were stranded there anyways and he conveniently stole someone’s spaceship to help them get back to the evil overlord Snoke’s super dreadnought ship of hellish doom.

#8 Leia’s Death, or not, Scene!

Here’s why this is totally retarded. OK, so we know that Leia was supposed to have the Force to some extent. We know her son with Han Solo, Kylo-Ren, is Force capable and that she is Anakin Skywalker’s daughter, so ultimately, I’m OK with Leia using the Force but here we go again, with a new Force ability. I would’ve included this in the new force abilities section but there are multiple other things wrong with Leia’s death scene. But now as we can see the Force can also be used to save a person from the vacuum of space, wow, where will the Force abilities end???? No one knows.

Pretty soon you’ll have to wonder why do they even go anywhere at all? Why not just fight all battles using the Force from the planet of your choosing? But the other major problem with this scene is that it reaffirms my number two complaint regarding Rose and why she doesn’t die from the Vacuum of space? The one time that Leia uses the Force in all of the Episodes of Star Wars and she has to use it to save herself from the vacuum of space but earlier at the beginning of the movie we see Rose who as far as we can tell has no knowledge of the Force, or how it works and she doesn’t even need to use the Force but can withstand the vacuum of space without any problems at all. Just another Fuck up for Disney’s takeover of the Saga.

#9 The Useless Character that was made up to have a resolution for the useless plot point of Fin and Rose going to get a code breaker, his character’s name was DJ, which you probably did not know because his character was pointless. Also, the reason why the addition of his character and the dialogue he gives only further fucked up the history of the Star Wars Saga.

DJ the bum loser guy that Fin and Rose picked up in the rich planet’s prison is not only useless but actually makes Star Wars history all the more fucked up and makes little to no sense at all. So, in the first place this character did not even need to exist because Vice Admiral Holdo (purple haired lady) should have simply explained what the Rebel’s true plan was to Poe, and then Poe would never have attempted to take command and then Fin and Rose would’ve stayed put, and all is well, but crappy writers and poor thinkers is all Disney had on set that day, so we got Star Wars 8 instead of a good story. So DJ having no real purpose at all had to be Fin and Rose’s escape plan so he had some actual use for that reason alone, but the writers couldn’t think up a good way to get rid of him so they decided to throw in some useless pure shit dialogue for him too, which only further goes to fuck up the Star Wars history and saga. While they are on their way back to Snoke’s ship in light speed DJ shows Fin and Rose that the rich people, one of whose ship he stole, were weapons dealers and that they all sold to whomever side pays the most etc. etc. albeit this was a political pundit power play on real-world issues here on our planet Earth, but which has no place or an ounce of logic in the Star Wars galaxy.

You might ask, why?

Well, for starters, the Star Wars Saga history explains that the Jedi held power for several thousand years and that before that long period of time the Sith held power for a long period of time. So this battle was actually quite tame until recently when the Republic started to have the problems with Palpatine and the Sith were making a very secretive come back from essentially almost exile. There weren’t a huge series of different sides of warring/battleships until the last 40-60 years and those ships designs and secrets would have been the top priority of the differing factions, the Rebels, and the Empire/First Oder. They would have been building their own ships respectively and they would in no wise be using ships built by neutral factions due to the fear of them being booby-trapped or bugged etc. etc.

Let us not forget how big of a deal it was to stop Princess Leia in Episode 4 and the entire fuss over the Death Star’s plans being leaked. Disney even made an entire movie to explain this huge debacle, it was called Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. My, oh my, how quickly they forget things over there in Disneyland! Also, all the codes they had to find to get passed the Empire’s security checks in part 6. Yeah, the Empire or the Rebels are just out there pedaling space bucks to whoever can make the best weapons and build the best ships, what epically fucking stupid dialogue for the Star Wars Saga, just adding that bull shit into any of the movies completely fucks up the entire logic and history of Star Wars!!!

#10 Snoke, The Overlord Royal Fuck Up!

Fin, Rose, and DJ, finally get to Snoke’s ship, DJ breaks the code and they’re in. Great, so they search about in the massively huge Snoke’s doomsday ship for a while and then it cuts to Rey and Kylo-Ren who are in the death camp chambers of Snoke’s stronghold with the rest of what we must assume are the other knights of Ren who wield those stupid stick-like-lightsaber things which they should have never made! Anyways, Rey is being held by the apparently beyond believable Force powers of Overlord Snoke. And here we go again with copycatting from previous Episodes, episode 6 most especially.

So in episode 6, Luke, is a captive guest in the newer Death Star whilst the Empire’s massive armada of Star Destroyers is slowly picking away at what’s left of the Rebel Fleet and even the newer Death Star is firing capable and is also picking off the larger Rebel Fleet ships, which is causing Luke much grief and anger as he wishes to strike both the Emperor and Darth Vader down. Fast forward to episode 8, Rey is basically a captive guest on Snoke’s ship as the First Order’s large ships close in on the last few Rebel ships as they are running out of fuel and being destroyed by them. Rey is watching this from Snoke’s stronghold which apparently has a perfect view of the situation. She gets so upset that she reaches out with the Force and attempts to grab Luke’s lightsaber to strike down Snoke, or Kylo-Ren, or both, but Snoke’s beyond ridiculous Force abilities overpower Rey’s, and Snoke even uses the Force to slap her in the head with the lightsaber when it gets close to her.

Here are the huge massively monstrous problems with Snoke:

1. Who is Snoke? Who the fuck is this extremely powerful Force using antagonist? Really, who the fuck is he? Is he the Darth Plagueis spoken about in Episode 3 by Palpatine? We haven’t had any explanation of who this guy even is and the stupid fucking director kills him off, seriously!? Massively huge failure, you cannot do this in a successful audience-pleasing film, you just can’t!

2. Too little information to be a believable Antagonist? With the amount of no information that we have about Snoke they will have to make at least 2 movies minimum, probably 3, between episode 6 and 7 just to explain how Snoke rebuilt the evil groups back into a strong more powerful force of evil than the very victorious Rebel good side forces at the end of Episode 6 that we saw celebrating the Rebel victory throughout the galaxy. Even though Episode 7 shows the First Oder destroy 5 or 6 Rebel worlds I’m left to assume they had this Star Killer Base planet thing for some time and were using it often because the end of Episode 6 seems like the Rebels were kicking a lot of ass and had a large part of the Galaxy on their side.

3. Snoke is way too powerful with the Force to have been fooled by Kylo-Ren! It is very clear even from what you see in just Episode 8 that Snoke is extremely powerful with the Force. Essentially, they were trying to make Snoke seem like the Emperor on steroids!
How do I come to this conclusion?

Well, let’s start with how Luke (Full blown Jedi at this point) explains that even he, Luke Skywalker, was so frightened by the power that Kylo-Ren had and that, Rey, had this same type of unshaped, or untrained Force power and ability and that it was so powerful that Luke decided to give up on the whole thing and stop being a Force user altogether. Let’s not forget this was the same Luke Skywalker that didn’t fear going up against Darth Vader or Darth Sidious (the Emperor.) But even Rey’s power was nothing compared to Overlord Snoke’s Force powers as we see in the movie. So, if Snoke had that kind of power with the Force and he was even in the act of scanning Kylo-Ren’s mind, Kylo-Ren could not have been secretly using the Force in a way that Snoke would not have seen what he (Kylo-Ren) was truly doing. I’ve heard the argument that Rey was the one using the Force to turn on Luke’s lightsaber but she was being held by Snoke’s Force powers too, Snoke just barely slapped her with the lightsaber why would Snoke all of the sudden stop his worrying about Rey?

So, Kylo-Ren fooled Snoke this super overly powerful Force user even while Snoke was in the process of scanning Kylo-Ren’s mind!?!? Really!?!? Wow, just retarded, utterly fucking mental retardation!!! Simply not possible! This also feeds back to an earlier point I made that you can now turn on lightsabers using the Force while not having the lightsaber in your hand, but at this point, it’s like, just flop another log of shit out of the director’s ass on to the huge pile of shit. So Rey and Kylo-Ren kill Snoke and all the knights of Ren and then Kylo-Ren tries to convince Rey to just go neutral with the Force with him and go and make babies for the rest of time but Rey is like, sorry Kylo but your wanker is too small, so Kylo- goes off and face fucks that old Darth Vader mask that he has tucked away in his closet.

#11 Captain Phasma. So, I don’t even get it! That’s neat that she’s supposed to be a super important storm trooper bitch and all but we finally see why she wears this neato shiny armor that none of the other Stormtroopers have. And all I can say is are you kidding me? The armor is fucking laser reflective, seriously! Then why in God’s name don’t all the Stormtroopers have this shit on! Are all of the First Order fucking retards? Why wouldn’t they all be using the best possible armor available? Just stupid. Another shit log on the pile.

#12 The last few fuck-ups that come to mind, that I care to mention.

Maz – Maz Kanata’s 10-second cameo in this Episode is so pointless it’s pitiful. Poe and Fin contact her in hopes to figure out a way out of their completely fucked up situation and all she offers is a more fucked up resolution. Maz: “Oh you need to hyperspace to a planet about a billion miles away from where you are currently being shot at while you are almost out of fuel and being chased by bloodthirsty First Order fuckers. Go there to find a code breaker guy, I’m pretty sure that is the best thing you can do even though you have no fuel and can’t jump to hyperspace. I’m busy being blasted up on this random planet that I’m not used to because I used to live on that other planet that got blown up when you visited last, by the way, thanks for that too, I really miss the bar that I lived in for a thousand years, so go fuck off!” Poe: “OK, Thanks, Maz! Well, she said we should just kill ourselves and to fuck off and die!” Fin: “OK, I’ll take Rose and we’ll go fuck off and die.” The audience can only wish, right?

The stupid new and annoying creatures that were supposed to be cute but were actually just annoying as FUCK! –

Honestly, the crystalized foxes, or wolves, or whatever they were on the last planet weren’t too bad. I didn’t mind them too much but I also didn’t care because they weren’t flaunted in your fucking face too much either. So, essentially, the way things are supposed to be in a Star Wars movie just something quick and odd and then you move on to the story. But those stupid things that were nesting in the Millennium Falcon with Chewbacca were just annoying! They weren’t cute, they were just annoying. The scene where Chewbacca was eating one of them is retarded!
Here’s why:

Most people didn’t even realize the little annoying creatures were mourning that Chewbacca was eating one of them that he had cooked up. Most people asked me after the movie what I thought about the scene where the little creatures were begging Chewbacca for food… I looked at them cross-eyed for a while trying to figure out what they were talking about? Until I later realized that most people actually thought the creatures were begging Chewy for food. God, just more and more fuck-ups Disney, just SMH!

The Entire Last Scene on the Crystal/Blood Sand Planet – There was nothing left for the entire Saga as this movie completely Force fucked the entire saga with a 3 foot long erect Chewbacca penis, while making loud and obnoxious Chewbacca noises, I might add, for two and a half long fucking hours straight. So their last attempt to do something of redeeming quality they attempted to make a cool finale scene but it just sucked ass by throwing in yet another new and magical Force ability, which rant I explained earlier. Instead of saving the only character that might have made any future Star Wars episodes have an ounce of redeeming quality the director even lets Luke Skywalker die. Just utter failure, 100% fucking horrible failure!!! Disney thrust the wooden stake through the heart of the Saga. Fuck Disney, they destroyed my childhood fantasy of cool space war movies forever. Star Wars is dead forever!

Rating: 1/5

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