Starring: Andy Samberg, Kelsey Grammer, Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Animated comedy directed by Nicholas Stoller and Doug Sweetland. Storks Best (2016) follows storks who used to deliver babies but now they deliver packages for global internet giant Cornerstore.com. Junior (Andy Samberg), the company’s top delivery stork, is about to be promoted when he accidentally activates the Baby Making Machine, producing an adorable and wholly unauthorized baby girl. Desperate to deliver this bundle of trouble before the boss gets wise, Junior and his friend Tulip, the only human on Stork Mountain, race to make their first-ever baby drop in a wild and revealing journey that could make more than one family whole and restore the storks’ true mission in the world.
Junior: Storks, since the beginning of time we have been tasked with delivering babies to people. No matter how hard or painful or boring it got, we would never stop delivering babies. Thank goodness we don’t have to do that anymore!
Junior: You’re probably asking yourself how a stork, a girl and a baby wound up in this situation? Let me go back at the beginning of the story.
Hunter: It’s an image old as time, a baby swaddled in white delivered by the stork. How quant? But you’ll find here on Stork Mountain we take baby delivery seriously. I’m here to finally unveil our new and improved Human Infant Production Facility. We have perfected and streamlined the process, devising a zero mistake work flow. Using the most cutting edge technology coupled with over seventy-five years of hard worn experience, our new process has been described as, perfect, precise, flawless, ideal, immaculate, no problemo, error proofed, too good to fail, the opposite of the Titanic. We work hard just so you can hear the four most precious words in human language, “Goo-goo, gah-gah.” So when you’re looking for a baby delivery you can count The Stork Delivery Service. Make a plan, stick to the plan, always deliver.
Hunter: Junior, do you why I built my office entirely out of glass even though birds can’t see glass?
Junior: I do not.
Hunter: [just then a couple of birds crash smack right onto the glass office] Power move.
Hunter: Do you know why we stopped delivering babies?
Junior: Because there are other ways of making babies?
Hunter: I’m getting out of babies and into packaged goods.
Junior: Cool, cool, cool, very cool.
Hunter: Monday it’ll all be yours, barring some monumental screw-up.
Hunter: We can’t let it get out that we accidentally made a baby!
Hunter: Look at that sunrise! How can you not look at it!
Junior: If I go blind, it’s worth it!
Junior: Orphan Tulip?
Tulip: Junior? Tulip is just fine. Orphan hurts my heart.
Junior: That’s a quail, an emo, there’s a chicken, they cannot fly
Quail: She’s helping us achieve our dreams.
Tulip: This is going to be great, guys.
Junior: Tulip! Woh! What is that?
Tulip: It’s a baby.
Junior and Tulip: [they open the container to see a cute baby inside] Aaah!
Tulip: Look at the baby!
Junior: No! Just a brief exposure to baby cuteness can ruin your life!
Tulip, Junior: [both look at the baby] Aw!
Junior: Storks don’t deliver babies anymore.
Tulip: If this baby finds her family then maybe I can find mine.
Junior: You’ll find your family.
Tulip: You think?
Junior: For sure.
Tulip: This is crazy, we’re delivering a baby!
Junior: Storks don’t deliver babies anymore! If anyone finds out about this I am dead meat!
Junior: This is the family that never got the baby they asked for.
Tulip: Let me show you how to fly this.
Junior: Hello, I’m a bird. I’m pretty sure I know how to…
Junior: [suddenly their aircraft drops] Aaah! I was wrong! I was immediately wrong!
Tulip: Is your seat wet?
Junior: [as they stop falling just as they get to the water’s edge] Yep, I peed in the seat as we were falling.
Junior: We’re not like a family, we’re just a guy and girl trying to raise a baby.
Pigeon Toady: Have you seen a red headed lady and a stork?
Polar Bear: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Rabbit: I saw two that fit that description the other day!
Monkey: No, man, I will not be your friend.
Pigeon Toady: Sorry, thought we were vibing.
Mrs. Gardner: We’re going to destroy the whole roof!
Nate: We have to replace the chimney with a slide for when the storks deliver my baby brother.
Mr. Gardner: What he said.
Nate: Dads are fun, moms are mean!
Mr. Gardner: I heard that!
Mrs. Gardner: Moms are fun too!
[she grabs the sledge hammer and smashes the chimney]
Junior: [becomes conscious to find himself hanging upside down in a cave] Seriously?
Tulip: I’m not talking to you. I’m mad at you!
Junior: Oh, really?
Alpha Wolf: If you don’t give us that baby, we’re going to eat you!
Beta Wolf: We’re going to eat you anyway!
Alpha Wolf: You don’t say it, you make the deal and then you eat them anyway!
Beta Wolf: Got it. We’re not going to eat you!
Alpha Wolf: Well now it’s too late, you don’t see that?
Alpha Wolf: [referring to the baby they’ve captured] Listen, I’m the Alpha, I’m going to eat this thing first!
Beta Wolf: Then I’m going to be the new Alpha!
Alpha Wolf: No. There is no, there is no need for a new Alpha, I’m the Alpha!
Beta Wolf: You?
Alpha Wolf: You’re not even a Beta!
Beta Wolf: I’m the Alpha!
Alpha Wolf: No, you’re not!
Wolves: [as they go to hit each other they notice Diamond looking watching them] Oooh!
Alpha Wolf: Wait, what just happened there?
Beta Wolf: What was that?
Alpha Wolf: What did that thing just do?
Alpha Wolf: I’m sorry, where were we? Oh, yeah.
Alpha Wolf: [goes over to Diamond again] I’m going to devour this thing!
Beta Wolf: I’m going to bite her arm clean off!
Alpha Wolf: [as Beta Wolf licks Diamond’s face] You didn’t bite her arm clean off.
Beta Wolf: It tastes like flowers.
Alpha Wolf: Okay, stand aside!
Beta Wolf: [Alpha Wolf roars then starts licking Diamond’s face] Well, look at you. Look what you did.
Alpha Wolf: I did the same thing that you did.
Beta Wolf: [they both start licking Diamond’s face] Are you in love?
Alpha Wolf: I am in love. Are you in love?
Beta Wolf: I am in love too.
Alpha Wolf: I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree.
Alpha Wolf: [referring to Diamond] This tardy thing is now a wolf, everybody! I want to teach it to walk around in circles.
Beta Wolf: Yes.
Alpha Wolf: Before it lays down.
Beta Wolf: Yes.
Alpha Wolf: That’s my favorite thing to teach.
Tulip: [hits the wolf on the head, to Junior] Grabs the baby and let’s go!
[they grab the baby and run off]
Alpha Wolf: First, we are going to take this baby and we are going to raise her to be a strong independent woman! Then, we’re going to eat you!
Tulip: I built my plane to find my parents.
Junior: You’ll find your family.
Mrs Gardner: [to Nate] Don’t worry, honey. Everything’s going to be just fine.
Tulip: [Junior, Tulip, and Diamond run across the bridge to get away from the Wolf Pack] Untie the bridge!
Junior: I know! What do you think I’m doing!
Junior: [as he cuts the bridge] Suck it, wolves!
Alpha Wolf: Wolf Pack, form a wolf bridge!
Junior: What is happening?
Tulip: The wolves are forming a suspension bridge.
Junior: How is that possible?
Tulip: I don’t know.
Junior: Alright, let’s go.
Junior: [the wolves get get over their bridge and chase after them] We’re probably going to die!
Wolves: Chase, chase, chase…
Tulip: [as they’re running from the Wolf Pack] Quick, we can get to the boat through here!
Junior: [smacks into a glassy pane, he looks over to Tulip who’s running in a zig-zag motion] Wait. Why are you running so weird? What don’t I know? My old nemesis. Glass!
Tulip: Birds can’t see glass!
Junior: Just go, Tulip. It’s too late for me! You’ve got the baby, you can deliver her yourself.
Tulip: What? No, I’m not leaving you behind! We can do this, together!
Junior: Alright. Tulip, you got this.
Tulip: [gives Junior directions to avoid the glass panes] Okay. Left, right, straight. Straight. Left, right!
Tulip: [as the Wolf Pack breaks down the door] Oh, no! I’m panicking! Right again!
Tulip: [Junior smacks into the glass] Left I mean! Left! Left, left! Right! Right, left, right, left!
Junior: [as he keeps hitting into glass panes] Not working!
Tulip: Woh. We did that together!
Junior: I ran into every piece of glass, some more than once.
Tulip: [as Junior goes to follow her he runs into another glass as two men are carring a pane of glass across his path] What are the chances of that? I guess pretty high in a glass factory.
Junior and Tulip: [as they are being chased by the wolf pack] Let’s go!
Alpha Wolf: Wolf pack, form a submarine!
Junior: What is happening?
Alpha Wolf: [the wolves jump into the water and form into the shape of a submarine] Submarine. Bing. Bing. Bing.
Tulip: I’ve never seen that before in nature shows.
Junior: [Tulip meets her family with the help of the Storks] Okay, guys, we delivered her…
Tulip: [as Junior starts to walk off] Junior, what are you doing? Join us!
Tulip: [she pulls him close for a family photo] You’re my family too.