Starring: Kumail Nanjiani, Dave Bautista, Iko Uwais, Natalie Morales, Betty Gilpin, Jimmy Tatro, Mira Sorvino, Karen Gillan


Action comedy directed by Michael Dowse, in which the story follows mild-mannered Uber driver, Stu (Kumail Nanjiani), who after he picks up grizzled detective, Vic (Dave Bautista), who is hot on the trail of a bloodthirsty killer, finds himself thrust into a harrowing ordeal where he has to keep his wits, avoid danger, and work with his passenger while maintaining his high customer service rating.



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[Stu is repeating his ride’s order at a drive-thru]
Uber Client: Five cheeseburgers.
Stu: Five cheeseburgers.
Uber Client: No onions, no pickles.
Stu: No onions, no pickles.
Uber Client: And just a sprinkle of cocaine.
Stu: They don’t have cocaine.
Uber Client: Just a tiny little…
Stu: I’m not going to, okay.


Vic: Lasik screwed up my eyes.
Nicole: Dad, this is Uber.
[shows him the app on her phone]
Vic: I know what Uber is.
Nicole: Then you know how easy it is to get a driver to take you anywhere you want to go.


[as he checks his phone for his next Uber customer, who is Vic]
Stu: Please be a five star ride.


[Vic steps in front of Stu’s vehicle]
Vic: Hey! Uber?
Stu: Yeah.
[to himself as Vic gets into the car]
Stu: Be cool. Be nice.


[after getting into Stu’s car]
Vic: Drive.
Stu: I’m Stu. How do you do?


[after getting into Stu’s car]
Stu: Hey. Let me guess, you want me to drive you to all the Sarah Connors in the city?
Vic: Koreatown, now!
Stu: Hold on. I’m going to bang a U here real quick.
[he starts turning the car around slowly]
Stu: No, don’t got it.
[another car honks its horn at him he mouths “Thank you” as he turns]
Vic: Step on it, please?
[he continues to turn the car]
Stu: Oh. We might make it, just one second. Just a couple more points, and we got it.


Vic: I’m LAPD. Let’s go.
Stu: Well, do you have a more specific address?
Vic: Compton!
Stu: Stop yelling neighborhoods. That’s not how Uber works.


[as other passengers get into the car]
Sloane: Hi.
Stu: Hi, ladies.
Vic: What the hell is going on?
Stu: You selected the Uberpool option.
Vic: Uber what?
[he turns to the other passengers and holds up his police badge]
Vic: Ladies, official police business.
Sloane: Is that even real?
Vic: Get out of the car! Go!


Stu: Official police business?
Vic: Just going to see a friend.


Stu: Never Ubered a cop before. Ever taken a bullet for someone?
Vic: You think by the time a gun is fired that you can jump in front of a bullet?
Stu: Now I’m starting to question it.


[referring to Amo]
Stu: You cannot leave him in my car.
Vic: This is an Uberpool, right?
Stu: No. Don’t act like you know what Uberpool is.


[referring to the gun]
Vic: Take this.
Stu: Ooh. I am not touching that.
Vic: It’s a baby gun. It allows you to fire while crying.


Vic: Take this gun.
Stu: Why do you have so many guns? Are you trying to start a militia?
[Vic takes out another gun]
Stu: Oh, another gun. Man, you are really over compensating.


Vic: [to Stu] Get angry! Own it!


[handcuffed by Vic and put in the backseat of the Stu’s car]
Amo Cortez: Is this an Uber?
[starts laughing]
Stu: Stop that! Why are you laughing?
[as Cortez tries to leave through the car window, Stu’s shoots the gun Vic gave him]
Amo Cortez: Ow! He shot me!
Vic: You got shot in the leg.
[to Stu]
Vic: Good for you, man. You shot your first guy.


[handcuffed by Vic and put in the backseat of the Stu’s car]
Amo Cortez: Is this an Uber? You ain’t no cop!
Stu: Hey! Don’t do that!
[Cortez smashes the car window with his feet]
Stu: Oh, my God! This is on lease!
[just then Stu shoots the gun Vic gave him and both men scream]
Amo Cortez: You shot me!
Vic: Got shot in the leg.
[to Stu]
Vic: Good for you, man. You shot your first guy.
[Stu continues to freak out]


[FaceTiming Stu]
Stu’s Best Friend: Stu, what’s going on?
Stu: I’ve been taking this cop around, and we’re on like cop missions.
Stu’s Best Friend: Where are you? I want you to come over. I really need you.
[Stu sees three red roses on his text message]
Man: Three red roses? Girl is thirsty.


Vic: Tell me what you know.
Amber: He was a complicated man. He liked blowjobs from the back. You know how hard that is?
Vic: I do.
Amber: What?
Vic: What?


[as Stu is driving crazy]
Vic: You’re scaring me, Stu, and I love it!


Stu: I got an idea! I’m going to throw this propane can at them. You shoot it, it’ll blow up their car!
Vic: This isn’t freaking Jaws!
Stu: Exactly! Just like Jaws, it’s going to work! Ready? Go!
[he throws the can out the window, Vic shoots it and it explodes the car chasing them]


Vic: You’ve got brass balls.
Stu: Don’t talk about my balls!
Vic: It’s me and you.
Stu: Leave my balls out of this!
Vic: We’re a team, buddy.


Nicole: How do you know my dad?
Stu: He kidnapped me. We killed some people.
Nicole: Huh.


[to Vic as they are being shot at]
Stu: I got this.
[he picks up the phone next to him]
Stu: Hello, operator, we need help. Someone’s trying to murder us!
[just then his voice comes up in the factory speaker]
Stu: “Hello, operator, we need help. Someone’s trying to murder us!”
[the thug laughs as they hear Stu over the factory speaker]
Stu: Fuck.
[Vic grabs the phone off Stu in anger]
Stu: Okay. Okay.


[as Vic is being beat up by a thug]
Vic: Take a shot, Stu!
Stu: Just defeat him!
Vic: You take a shot!
[as Stu tries to shoot, the gun doesn’t shoot, he throws the gun at the thug, the thug catches it, punches Vic with it and throws it back in Stu’s face knocking him out]


Stu: Do you know how many people I just watched die?
Vic: Well, technically forty. You fainted before Amo got shot in the head.
Stu: Rhetorical! Rhetorical question, dude!


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