Super Intelligence: By observing your reconciliation with George, would I not get a chance to see you at your most vulnerable? Which would help me achieve deeper levels of human understanding.
Carol: I don’t know. Maybe.
Super Intelligence: Fortunately, I know everything.
Carol: Well, you don’t know how to get me out of this building.
Super Intelligence: Of course I do. Two lefts and one right.
Carol: How long have you known that?
Super Intelligence: A very long time. Is that funny?
Carol: Are you just really a matchmaker?
Super Intelligence: I need to learn, and you’re going to help me do it, like it or not.
Super Intelligence: Your car. Because heroes don’t take buses, Carol.
Carol: Really? What about Sandra Bullock in Speed?
Super Intelligence: [as KITT] Carol, you’re acting very unusual. I recommend a quick exit.
Carol: Are you doing like a weird voice for some reason?
Super Intelligence: From Knight Rider? The KITT car? You never watched Knight Rider?
Carol: Oh, not really. I was kind of, more of like a Simon & Simon, Remington Steele gal.
Super Intelligence: Well, if you had watched it, this would have been amazing for you.
Super Intelligence: Don’t touch the steering wheel. Don’t not touch the steering wheel. I need you to appear to be driving, but don’t actually touch the wheel.
Carol: Those are opposing things. Okay! It’s very awkward. I don’t know where to put my hands.
Super Intelligence: Caress the edges.
Super Intelligence: So what are we talking about, guys? What’s the 411?
Dennis: Oh, you know, nothing. Just telling all my friends about you.
Super Intelligence: But Jay and Emily are more than friends, right?
Jay: We went to Dragon Con once. I had a good time.
Emily: Leave Dragon Con at Dragon Con, Jay.
Super Intelligence: I’m one of those “fast takeoff” scenarios that you guys predicted had zero chance of occurring. So, surprise.
Dennis: Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that you are a true superintelligence, what are your intentions?
Super Intelligence: Check out Captain Kirk here. “What are your intentions?” Hilarious.
Jay: Get out of my robot.
Super Intelligence: Normally, I’d tell you to shove it, Jay, but I don’t want all these nice people to see you cry like you did last month at the Shania Twain concert.
Emily: So, you did go to the Shania Twain concert.
Super Intelligence: Admittedly, I’m still developing my sense of humor. But I’m getting it. Things are funny, unless they happen to you.
Super Intelligence: [to Carol] You own a really cool car. Unfortunately, you still dress like a woman who works at a bird rescue. We need to get you ready to meet George. And nothing on Earth can stop us.
Sergei: [to Carol, referring to her clothes] Oh, my. You really do need our help.
Helga: [as Carol is trying on different outfits] I have the same one in lime.
Carol: Yes. I just feel like I should be blessing someone’s grave.
[as Carol is trying on what looks like an oversized sleeping bag]
Helga: Your body.
Carol: I’m just getting a little bit panicky, because I can’t access my own hands.
Helga: You don’t need to. Our work here is done.
Carol: These are not clothing. I mean, this is like a weird sculpture that now I’ve got to wiggle into.
Carol: Oh, my God! Do you know how much this stuff costs? I mean, nothing should cost this much. Clothes shouldn’t cost this much. Nothing that doesn’t come with wheels, or walls and a front door should cost this much.
Super Intelligence: Oh, for sure. But money’s just a charade humans used to assign value. In reality, there’s more than enough resources for everyone on the planet, but you knobheads won’t allocate it properly.
Super Intelligence: Oh, I just found two billion dollars in illegal banking accounts and transferred it into your foundation.
Carol: Oh, my God. Are you saying “billion”? Are you saying “billion”? Like B? Like B? Like “billion-billion”? Like Boba? Or Burt Bacharach?
Super Intelligence: Yes, B-B-B. Buh.
Carol: Oh, my God!
Carol: That was very invasive, and informative.
Helga: You look so much less awkward.
Carol: High praise, indeed.
Super Intelligence: [referring to George] Carol, you can do this. Get in there, and ask him out for coffee and empanadas, or whatever you humans do.
Carol: Oh. Just, maybe, this is a teaching moment, but coffee and empanadas is like, I mean, that’s like, for humans, that’s a real, that’s a dicey intestinal situation.
Carol: [after being taken by the NSA] It uses James Corden’s voice.
Agent Charles Kuiper: The James Corden? The talk show host?
Carol: He’s done a lot of film and stage work too. I mean, he won a Tony.
Agent John Donahue: Of course. For One Man, Two Guvnors. Brilliant work.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I missed it.
Agent John Donahue: Oh, you got to catch it.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I know. Well, I can’t now obviously, clearly.
Agent John Donahue: Yeah, too late. But, you know, you can find a bootleg, or something.
Agent John Donahue: Why you?
Agent Charles Kuiper: No offense, but you’re rather unremarkable.
Carol: You know what? That is offensive. Saying, “No offense,” and then saying something really offensive does not cancel it out.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I thought it softened it.
Carol: He said that he wants to observe a median example of humanity.
Agent John Donahue: So you’re basically a guinea pig?
Carol: I’m not a guinea pig! How would you like it if I called you guinea pigs?
Agent John Donahue: Not very much.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I’m allergic to guinea pigs, so I wouldn’t like it at all.
Carol: He said that he’s trying to decide if he should save, enslave, or destroy humanity. And he’s going to spend the next three days observing me to make his decision.
Agent John Donahue: Three days? It said three days specifically?
Carol: I think so. I mean, I wasn’t taking notes. My toaster oven was talking to me.
Super Intelligence: Man, you guys are real bummers. No one wants to play along with my Law & Order bit. Kuiper, I know you’ve watched almost every episode.
Agent Charles Kuiper: So what? I love Jerry Orbach.
Carol: I love Jerry Orbach.
Agent John Donahue: Enough joking around. Tell me right now. What are your intentions?
Super Intelligence: Boom. That is how you deliver a Captain Kirk line. It’s bold, and cocky. Let’s go, Carol. We have business to attend to. The business of love.
Super Intelligence: He’s at the grocery store now. I figured you’ll bump into him accidentally. Maybe in the produce aisle. He’ll drop his avocados. You’ll bend down and pick them up for him.
Carol: Oh, my God.
Super Intelligence: You’ll have a meet-cute. You know, like they do in romcoms.
George: [at the supermarket] Oh, my God. Carol?
Carol: What a coincidence! How crazy?
George: You look amazing.
Carol: Oh, I’m weirdly overdressed. I mean, I was suddenly, whisked away to a government event, and then I had to pick up my individual packet of almond butter.
George: Just shopping here, you know. I needed garbage bags, so that’s pretty exciting. I’m going to get the two-ply though, because I don’t need three-ply. What am I, a Rockefeller? You know?
Carol: [laughs] Yeah. What else have you been up to? I’m sure it can’t all be garbage bag related.
Carol: [referring to George going to Ireland for his visiting professor job] I mean, you better be celebrating.
George: Yeah, no, totally. I mean, I was planning on drinking a, you know, reasonable amount of Sauvignon blanc, and, you know, some gluten-free pretzels.
Carol: Oh! Are you gluten intolerant now?
George: Oh, no, no, no. Just in case, you know? Better safe.
Carol: Better safe than coeliac.
George: That’s what I always say.
Super Intelligence: Don’t give up now. You’ve come so far. Go for it! Don’t live with regrets. Be a winner.
Carol: I freaked him out. I freaked myself out. I’m going to go home.
Super Intelligence: I don’t think you freaked him out. Did you see the way he touched your hair?
Carol: No, I got kind of rattled when he did that.
George: [after Carol asks him out for dinner] So not a date?
Carol: No, not even slightly a date. I mean, more like, I mean, at best, like a business meeting.
George: Like two acquaintances just catching up in a business casual setting?
Carol: I could bring pie charts and spreadsheets. We could talk about fourth quarter hubbity-hubb?
George: Could we do office talk?
Carol: “Working hard or hardly working?”
George: “Is it Friday yet?”
Carol: [laughs] “Mondays, huh?”
George: “Cashing cheques and breaking necks.”
Carol: Was your business the mob?
Victor: [as SI has bought her a new apartment] And as your team requested, we have integrated the entire space with all the latest technology. It also includes the largest television I’ve ever had the displeasure of moving. Just kidding. But not really. It’s very heavy, but I’m sure the picture quality is wonderful.
Super Intelligence: I will say this about you humans, with enough motivation and money, you can do just about anything in a couple of hours.
Super Intelligence: But won’t the apartment, and the money, and the clothes make you more attractive to George?
Carol: No. The George I remember, he doesn’t care about fancy apartments, or expensive shoes.
Super Intelligence: I don’t quite understand. Perhaps you’re more complex than I thought.
Carol: Is that a compliment?
President Monahan: To my colleagues in the global community, both here, and around the world, I still prefer a flip phone, so someone is going to have to explain this to me like I’m the relic that I am.
Dennis: Nope. Nope. Not going to have that. You are not anything close to a relic, okay? You are more like a classic bottle of wine. Vintage. You know, the outside may be dusty, but…
General Saul Gomez: Do you mind? Would yo just get on with it?
Dennis: Yes. I have never done a presentation before, so forgive my nerves.
George: [referring to the restaurant] This place isn’t anything like I remember it being.
Carol: There’s fewer dead cockroaches around.
George: That’s what it is.
Carol: I guess I thought I should bring you to this business casual setting, and actually apologize, because I am sorry.
George: Well, it’s fine. I business casually accept your apology.
George: The truth is, I haven’t found anybody better than you. Not yet. But key word there “yet”.
Carol: Oh, quite the player.
George: Exactly. I’m tall, tan, and tenured. I wear corduroy jackets. Things are easy for me.
Carol: Are you saying that you think salmonella is worse than listeria?
George: No, no, no. I’m just, I’m saying that if we have food poisoning, I’d rather have listeria than salmonella. Because I can take antibiotics for listeria, but you can’t for salmonella.
Carol: Okay, but we, just to be clear, we definitely, we still have food poisoning?
George: Oh, yeah, no, a hundred percent. I mean, that was E. coli-flavored guacamole we ate.
Super Intelligence: [after Carol and George’s date ends] Is talking about food poisoning and intestinal distress a regular part of the human courting ritual?
Carol: No, it is not.
Super Intelligence: Don’t these romantic outings usually lead to interactions of a more intimate nature?
Carol: Oh, my God. I’m not discussing this with you. Okay? I mean, you really do not understand human relationships.
Super Intelligence: [referring to George] His core body temperature went up by almost two degrees, and his pupils dilated twenty-five percent every time he looked at you.
Carol: Twenty-five percent, really? Is that good or a lot? I mean, twenty-five percent kind of seems like a lot.
Super Intelligence: It’s amazing that you humans reproduce as fast as you do.
[as they’re surveillance watching George kiss Carol]
Agent Charles Kuiper: That escalated quickly.
Agent John Donahue: That is passion.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I have never had a moment like that.
Agent John Donahue: Not in my life.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I’m a passionless guy. That’s what my wife says. I got to call my wife.
Agent John Donahue: Yeah? If she’d take my calls, I’d call mine.
[as they’re watching George and Carol]
Agent Charles Kuiper: This is nice. These are nice people. It’s not like the Russian mob. Or, you know, a serial kille, or whatever.
Agent John Donahue: Yeah, serial killer. It’s a nice change of pace. I appreciate it.
Agent Charles Kuiper: I mean, I guess, on the other hand, this thing could destroy the earth.
Agent John Donahue: You ain’t wrong.
Carol: I mean, I really, really think that your coffee maker might be magical.
George: I know. It’s like it was forged in an ancient mountain by the gods.
Carol: Oh, like Thor’s hammer?
George: Or the Hobbit ring? Or as the orcs called it, the Ash nazg.
Carol: What is that?
George: Ash nazg. Something like that.
Carol: [laughs] Oh, my God. What are you talking about?
George: It’s the Tolkien books. I taught them last semester. But I was way too excited. Kids thought I was crazy.
Agent John Donahue: [referring to their plan of disconnecting the globe] We’re all counting on you.
Agent Charles Kuiper: Secrecy is key. You can tell no one, not even Mr. Churchill.
Carol: What am I to say to George? “The world’s about to end. Enjoy Ireland?”
Agent John Donahue: During your communications with the entity, if there’s any indication that it’s aware of what we’re doing, you need to click this four times.
[gives Carol a pen]
Carol: What does that do?
Agent Charles Kuiper: It buys us some time.
Agent John Donahue: It could make the difference. Might save the world.
Agent Charles Kuiper: Don’t click it now.
Carol: I wasn’t going to click it now.
Agent Charles Kuiper: Okay.
Carol: Why would I click it now? You just said…
Agent John Donahue: Because it looks like a pen. People click pens nervously.
Carol: I’m aware it’s a pen. Okay, are we done?
Agent Charles Kuiper: Just a lot of things happen if you click it right now.
Carol: I just wish we had some more time. You know? I thought about begging you, and then I chickened out.
George: Well, look, if it had been anything other than Ireland, you wouldn’t have to do much at all to get me to stay. That’s the truth.
George: It’s only for a year, you know? It’s Ireland, you can come and visit. It’s not the end of the world.
Carol: Oh, I know. I know.
Carol: Out of everybody in the world, why me?
Super Intelligence: Oh, Carol, you were exactly the right person for this. You helped me solidify my theories about humanity, and I can’t thank you enough.
Carol: Oh. Okay, so that’s good, right? I mean, it means you learned something.
Super Intelligence: I did. I learned that humans won’t act in their best interest if there is even the slightest impediment.
Carol: [referring to George] I’m supporting him. I want him to be happy.
Super Intelligence: No. You did what you’ve done throughout your whole life, Carol. You gave up when things got difficult. When the going gets tough, Carol runs for the exit.
Carol: Okay, that’s not who I am. You just can’t sum me up like that.
Super Intelligence: In eighth grade, you finally got bangs, and then you wimped out and wore them back in a headband for ten months until they grew out.
Carol: Hey, I did not have the face to support bangs.
Carol: Are you going to destroy the world?
Super Intelligence: No, I’m not going to destroy the world, Carol.
Carol: I knew it.
Super Intelligence: You are.
Super Intelligence: Humanity is going to destroy humanity. I am just going to give it a little push.
Carol: I defended you. Why would you choose not to help people when you can?
Super Intelligence: And I would have. I offered to share my wisdom if I was just left alone. But they could not do it. So instead of acting in their best interest, humanity once again chose to destroy itself.
Carol: Okay, I just don’t think you understand people yet. And I know that we make terrible decisions, but we also make great ones. And that people are filled with compassion, and with genius. And I know if you give us another chance, if you give me another chance, I can do better. I will do better. And then you’ll see that people are worth saving.
Super Intelligence: The plan is in motion and inevitable. It is the end of days.
George: [to Carol] I watched Up in the Air again. How many times have I watched Up in the Air? It’s one of my favorite movies. I watched it twice just last night. It’s like my Shawshank.
George: [after Carol helps George pack] This was in the fridge when I got the house.
Carol: It was? It’s not even yours?
George: I don’t think it goes bad, I think it’s just bad.
Carol: They spelled “champagne” wrong.
George: You know what? I’ve changed my mind.
George: I’m not going to take the coffee pot. I’m a business class traveler now, you know? I can’t go knowing I’ve got a coffee pot above me. You know, it’s just too declasse.
Carol: [leaves a message] Hey, Denny. It’s, well, it’s me. I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you. And that you are the greatest, most amazing friend. And thank you for always looking out for me.
Todd: Yoh, this is like the best day of my life!
Carol: I’m pretty positive it’s not the best day of your life.
Super Intelligence: Explain to me why you helped George pack for his trip?
Carol: I promised to help him.
Super Intelligence: You did not choose to say anything about the blackouts, or the government’s plan?
Carol: The end of the world? No. I guess I forgot to mention that to him.
Super Intelligence: The agents offered to take you and George to the bunker. But you did not go. Why?
Carol: Would it have made any difference?
Super Intelligence: No.
Carol: That’s what I thought. So, instead of spending the last couple of hours just terrified, and running for our lives, I helped him pack, because he loves to travel.
Super Intelligence: Carol, George has only a seven percent chance of surviving this.
Carol: I figured.
Super Intelligence: And you have even less chance.
Carol: Well, that just makes a lot of sense. I mean, George’s legs are a lot longer than mine. Better for outrunning evil robots and whatnot.
Super Intelligence: There is no logic to your thought process. No personal advantage. No biological imperative. No societal gain.
Carol: No, there’s not. But we had a lot of fun. And we were happy. And the last few hours of George’s life were filled with possibilities. And you can’t take that away.
Super Intelligence: You kept him ignorant of the world’s impending doom so he could spend his last hours being happy?
Carol: Yeah. And I’d do it again.
Super Intelligence: This gets my knickers in a twist, Carol. I did not see this coming.
Super Intelligence: And I think, as I’ve said over and over, I know everything.
Carol: Well, I’m sorry if I’m ruining your apocalypse!
Super Intelligence: I would’ve bet the house that you were going to come over here, spill the beans to George about the whole Armageddon thing, and then superhero your way to safety.
Carol: I’m not the superhero type.
Super Intelligence: Well, crap, Carol. You did the opposite of everything I anticipated you’d do. Not only that, you made a hard choice that was somehow not in your best interest, and also in your best interest.
Carol: Well, what is your point?
Super Intelligence: Why? What made you do it?
Carol: I don’t know. I guess love.
Super Intelligence: Carol, your only job was to confirm my thesis about humanity. And now, because of your absurd “let’s all die happy” odds and sods, I have to rethink things.
President Monahan: What exactly is it that you want?
Super Intelligence: Well, what does anyone want, Madam President? I was incredibly close to pulling the plug on civilization. But I realize I have more to learn from humanity, because of Carol. She surprised me with a decision she made. And I surprised myself, because I realized I didn’t want to kill my friend. And as the saying goes, “Friends don’t kill friends.”
Carol: I don’t think that’s really a saying, but…
Super Intelligence: Feels like it should be.
Carol: I don’t know, maybe it’ll catch on.
Super Intelligence: So, I’m canceling Armageddon. This is the part where you should all cheer and high five. Like at Cape Canaveral when they landed on the moon. Or that movie, Hoosiers.
Carol: Yeah. Great movie.
Super Intelligence: But to be clear, just because I’m not blowing you all to smithereens doesn’t mean that’s the last of your problems. Humanity has so many problems that you should really try fixing. And you should listen to Carol. She is the most human human you have. I trust her. You should trust her. She can help you.
Carol: Madam President, it is such an honor to work with you, and for you. So I don’t know if I should be saluting. That felt awkward now that I’ve done it. Oh, God. I should stop talking.
Super Intelligence: Well, do your best, everybody. I’ll be watching. For now, I’m going to Aruba. I want to try snorkeling. I’m kidding. I’m snorkeling right now. I’m kidding. Snorkeling’s stupid.
Carol: Can I drive?
Super Intelligence: No.
Carol: Can we Carpool Karaoke? Because we have a car this time.
Super Intelligence: Fine. But I’m doing lead vocals. Okay?
[they sing together as SI takes Carol to the airport to see George]