Ted Quotes

(Page 2)

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Lori Collins: Yeah, I mean, Rex is having a house party. But I’m surprised John didn’t tell you, considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
Ted: Well, you know, it’s funny cause whenever Johnny and I hang out, uh…the first item on our agenda is uh…what’s goin’ on with Lori. So, you know, it’s funny that, that didn’t come up. That must have slipped through the crack.
John Bennett: Yeah, we do, we talk about you all the time.
Ted: Yeah, you remember the other day, I was sayin’ how great Lori’s hair always looks. I mean, oh, my God! It always looks so great. I just always wanna fuckin’ brush it! You know, I… that’s right, Johnny? I say that.
[John nods his head in agreement]


Lori Collins: So, Tami-Lynn, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself. Like, where are you from? I’m always fascinated to meet Ted’s girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn: What do you mean girlfriends? Was there like a lot of ’em or somethin’?
Ted: No! No! That’s not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? Lori, you didn’t mean that?
Lori Collins: No. No, no. What I meant to say was, Ted’s very handsome, so I’m always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?
Lori Collins: What?
Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted: Woh! Woh! Woh!
John Bennett: Hey! What the hell happened? We’re having a friendly meal here. This was a nice evening.
Ted: Yeah! This was a nice evening.


[to Lori]
Tami-Lynn: Don’t talk shit to me.
Lori Collins: I just asked you a question!
Tami-Lynn: You know, you’re a freakin’ snob! You think you’re all cool cause you work at some fuckin’ fancy shit place. Whatever!
Ted: Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori. Real, nice.
Lori Collins: Me? It’s not my fault she can’t speak English!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, fuck you! Just cause you’re in the business world and shit, you think, what? Everybody should suck you asshole or somethin’?
Ted: Okay, alright. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let’s get out of here. We’ll go back to my place for a couple of vodka strawberry quicks.


[Ted takes Tami-Lynn’s hand and leads her away from the table]
Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I could kick your fuckin’ ass! And you better never show your face around Queens, you hear me?
Ted: Okay! Okay. Come on. Come on.
[as they walk out of the restaurant]
Ted: I didn’t know you had a baby. Is it alive?


[after Ted and Tami-Lynn leave the restaurant]
Lori Collins: What a cunt!
John Bennett: Ow! I hate that word!
Lori Collins: What?
John Bennett: That word! It’s so shop, it’s like an electrical sword, slashing everything in its path! Why would you say that?
Lori Collins: You didn’t exactly stand up for me!
John Bennett: I’m tryin’ to walk a line here. I wanna be fair to you and to him, you know?
Lori Collins: Well, I think you’re being a little more fair to him.
John Bennett: Oh, come on!
Lori Collins: You know, your boss called this morning, asking me how my arm was.
John Bennett: Huh?
Lori Collins: Yeah, because of the dog fight that I tried to break up?
John Bennett: Oh, right.
Lori Collins: If I had to make a guess, I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to Ted’s. Now, am I right?
John Bennett: I made you out to be a hero.


Lori Collins: You know what? We asked Ted to move out so that we can give ourselves a chance without him. You’re not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear!
John Bennett: You’re right. I’ve been getting stoned too much. I know that. I’ve been bummin’ around Ted’s too much, I know that too. You give me one more chance, I promise, I can fix it.
Lori Collins: John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddy bear.
John Bennett: I know. Done. Man, right here in front of you. Alright? Look at these pecks. These are man pecks. Look at the hair on my upper lip. That’s man hair. I just farted. That was a man fart.
[Lori laughs]
Lori Collins: Fine. Fine, John. But this is, I swear to God, your last chance.
John Bennett: Trust me, I love you.
Lori Collins: Alright, I love you too.
[John kisses her on the cheek]
John Bennett: I love you so much. You won’t be sorry, I swear.


Lori Collins: Did you really just fart?
John Bennett: Yeah! But I pushed it that way with my hand.
Lori Collins: I wonder who’s it’s gonna hit first.
[they look over at a table near them with three business men talking, suddenly one of them starts gagging as the smell of the fart hits them and he shouts out]
Guy at Table #1: Who did this to us?
Guy at Table #2: God dammit! I’m here on business!


[at the party at Rex’s house, Rex shows John he’s collections]
Rex: Check this out. That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut. I had it freeze dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when my life’s getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here and look at it. It reminds me that things aren’t so bad.
John Bennett: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: Sometimes you don’t.


John Bennett: You know, Lori would hate me for saying this. But, you know, she told me how you are with her at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say, I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Rex: Wow. Let me uh…get to clear the air here a little. I mean, yeah, I’m kind of a fun time boss and what not. But look, man, I do that with everybody at the office. I’m a kook! I have no designs on your girlfriend. We work together, but that’s it, and I think you’re a great guy. She’s a very lucky girl.
John Bennett: Well, that’s good to hear.
Rex: Yeah.


[after finishing his conversation with Rex about Lori, John gets a call from Ted]
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man.
John Bennett: Why? What’s goin’ on?
Ted: Okay, so I’m havin’ a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
John Bennett: What?
Ted: Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon is here!
John Bennett: Holy Shit! What?
Ted: You remember I said my buddy’s cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy is in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here! And, John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John Bennett: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Yes! Get over here, right now.
John Bennett: Fuck! I can’t! I’m with Lori here, I’m already on probation. I just…I can’t.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John Bennett: I’m comin’!


[after Ted’s call about Flash Gordon being in his apartment]
John Bennett: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I’ll be back in like thirty minutes tops, okay? Lori cannot find out, she absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I’m cool with all that other shit.
Rex: I got your back on this. She won’t know, I’ve been there.
John Bennett: Alright, this is one man to another. I don’t really know you, but I’m trusting you as man, this is serious.
Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John Bennett: Thank you. I’ll be back!
[John turns and make a run for it; to himself as John leaves]
Rex: I’m gonna have sex with your girlfriend.


[John arrives at Ted’s party, looking for Sam Jones]
Ted: Oh, Johnny! Thank Christ, you made it!
John Bennett: Dude, I got ten minutes. Where’s Flash Gordon?
Ted: Okay, get ready.
[Ted turns and calls out to Sam Jones]
Ted: Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin’ you about.
[as John sees Sam Jones we hear the theme tune to Flash Gordon as John fantasizes being in the movie Flash Gordon with Sam Jones as Flash Gordon]


Sam Jones: How you doin’? Good to meet you.
John Bennett: I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam Jones: Ooh, You’re welcome.
Ted: He acknowledged it!
Sam Jones: Let’s do some shots!
John Bennett: With you?
Ted: Oh, my God!
John Bennett: Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!
Ted: Totally, yes.
Sam Jones: Let’s go!


[as Jones gives them their shots and holds up his glass]
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
John Bennett: Yes!ted-10
[they down their shots]
Sam Jones: You know, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
Ted: Uh…cocaine, right?
Sam Jones: Come on, dudes! Don’t tell me you never done it before!
John Bennett: Well, not…not recently, no.
Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam Jones: You better follow me. Come on.
Ted: Johnny, I’m frightened.
[they follow Jones to the bathroom, where they take cocaine]


[as they come out of the bathroom after taking cocaine]
Sam Jones: We are gonna party like the eighties.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam Jones: It’s easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Johnny, I got so much energy. We better start doin’ stupid shit.
[we then see Ted singing a karaoke]


[as both are high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, look, Johnny. If we ever gonna get serious about openin’ up restaurant, we gotta start plannin’ it now.
John Bennett: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes!
John Bennett: What’s the special on Tuesday?
Ted: Eggplant pot.
John Bennett: Chop salad.
Ted: Half price! And it’s a non-restrictive place.
John Bennett: Yeah. Wait! What do you mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John Bennett: Of course!
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John Bennett: Well, yeah! I mean, why wouldn’t they be?
Ted: Exactly! That’s what I’m sayin’.
John Bennett: Yeah, but why are you even bringin’ it up?
Ted: You don’t bring it up, you just let ’em in.
John Bennett: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John Bennett: But why are we talkin’ about it?
Ted: You’re talkin’ about it, I’m sayin’, let ’em in.
John Bennett: Yeah, let ’em in.
Ted: Exactly!
John Bennett: Right!
Ted: Do it!
John Bennett: Okay!
Ted: No Mexicans though.


Ted: Trust me, I can do this.
Guy #1: Shut up!
Guy #2: Try it, man.
Guy #1: Alright, okay.
[the guy spread his hand out on the table, Ted takes a knife and starts slowly doing the ‘knife between fingers’ trick, as Ted speeds up he suddenly stabs the guy in the middle of his hand, the guy screams in pain]
Ted: What?
Guy #1: You son of a bitch!
Ted: Well, you never should have trusted me. I’m on drugs.


[at his party, still high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!


[as he draws Garfield’s face around a naked girl’s tits]
Ted: See, there! Proof! Garfield’s eyes looks like a pair of tits.
Tami-Lynn: You were right!


[to Sam Jones]
Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John Bennett: Are you gonna do it?
Sam Jones: I’m gonna punch through it.
Ted: Go on, Sam! Do it!
John Bennett: Do it! Come on!
[Jones punches through the wall]
Ted: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He did it!


[after Jones punches through the wall into Ted’s Chinese neighbor’s apartment]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break my wall! This my home long time! You break my wall, you bastard men!
John Bennett: We’re sorry! It was an accident, okay?
Asian Man ‘Ming’: I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere!
John Bennett: Okay, look. Can we just talk about this? What’s your name? I’m John.
Asian Man ‘Ming’: My name Wang Ming!
Sam Jones: Ming?
[Jones starts seeing him dressed as Ming from Flash Gordon]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break down wall! This bullshit! This all bullshit!
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
[suddenly Jones attacks Ming and start beating him up]


[John spots Guy at Ted’s party holding Ryan Reynold’s hand]
John Bennett: Hey, Guy.
Guy: What’s goin’ on? This is uh…Jared. He’s the guy who beat me up, and uh…we’re in love.
John Bennett: Huh?
Guy: Turns out I’m uh…gay, or whatever. I…I had no idea. Hey, Jared, let’s go grab a mellow ice.
[they walk off with John looking at them open mouthed]


[as John starts to looking worse for wear]
Sam Jones: How we doin’, ace? Comin’ down?
John Bennett: Yeah, I don’t feel so good.
Sam Jones: Oh, give it a couple of hours. You’ll be golden, pony boy. You want a Zanex?
[John notices the time and how late it is]
John Bennett: Oh, shit! Oh, my God!
Sam Jones: What?
John Bennett: I gotta…I gotta go.
[as John is about to leave Ted’s party, Lori shows up]
John Bennett: Lori, I…
[Lori upset at seeing him there, turns and leaves and John goes after her]


John Bennett: Lori! Lori, wait! Please! Look, I’m sorry! I messed up!
Lori Collins: John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.
John Bennett: Can I…
Lori Collins: Give me the car keys!
John Bennett: Can I please just explain?
Lori Collins: No!
John Bennett: Look…
Lori Collins: John, I’ve given up a huge chunk of my life for you!
John Bennett: I was gonna stop in, for like, five minutes, and then Flash Gordon…
Lori Collins: Just give me the car keys!
[John reluctantly gives her the keys]
John Bennett: Lori. Lori, please! I love you!
[Lori takes the keys and drives off]


[after Lori drives off, Ted walks out of his building]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, there you are. I gotta get some air, that guy from your office is in there on the couch makin’ out with that Van Wilder lookin’ guy.
John Bennett: Fuck you, I don’t even wanna talk to you.
Ted: What?
John Bennett: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fuckin’ life just ended!
Ted: Oh, come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones or somethin’ else. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine, you’ll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John Bennett: Are you even listenin’ to me? Do you give any shred of a shit?
Ted: Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life, remember?
John Bennett: Jesus! You know, Lori was right! I should have stopped hanging’ out with you a long time ago. I’m never gonna have a life with you around! I’m thirty five years old and I’m goin’ nowhere! All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy fuckin’ bear! Because of that I just lost the love of my life!
Ted: Johnny, I’m…I’m sorry. I…
John Bennett: I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can’t see you anymore.
[John walks off]
Ted: John, wait! Listen!
[as he watches John walk off Ted presses his voice automated ‘I love you’ button]


[at work, Lori is in Rex’s office]
Rex: So word of the grapevine is that you are newly solo.
Lori Collins: Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
Rex: I have tickets to Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight and I would love it if you’d go with me.
Lori Collins: You’re asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
Rex: Look, I’m…I’m gonna cut the shit here.
Lori Collins: Please.
Rex: This is the first time that you’ve been single in all the years you’ve worked here. Just go out with me one time, and if you’re miserable and you hate it, then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again. Please.
Lori Collins: Rex, I don’t think it’s smart.
Rex: I’m an asshole, I know that. It worked for me in high school and it’s been a reflex ever since. Lori, the worst that can happen is that you could go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch, and it’s about time somebody treated you that way.
Lori Collins: Fuck it. Fine. Fine. Sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night, and it that means getting you off my back, well that’s just a bonus.
Rex: I’ll pick you up at eight.


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Total Quotes: 110



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