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Lori Collins: Yeah, I mean, Rex is having a house party. But I’m surprised John didn’t tell you, considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out.
Ted: Well, you know, it’s funny cause whenever Johnny and I hang out, uh…the first item on our agenda is uh…what’s goin’ on with Lori. So, you know, it’s funny that, that didn’t come up. That must have slipped through the crack.
John Bennett: Yeah, we do, we talk about you all the time.
Ted: Yeah, you remember the other day, I was sayin’ how great Lori’s hair always looks. I mean, oh, my God! It always looks so great. I just always wanna fuckin’ brush it! You know, I… that’s right, Johnny? I say that.
[John nods his head in agreement]
Lori Collins: So, Tami-Lynn, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself. Like, where are you from? I’m always fascinated to meet Ted’s girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn: What do you mean girlfriends? Was there like a lot of ’em or somethin’?
Ted: No! No! That’s not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? Lori, you didn’t mean that?
Lori Collins: No. No, no. What I meant to say was, Ted’s very handsome, so I’m always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?
Lori Collins: What?
Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted: Woh! Woh! Woh!
John Bennett: Hey! What the hell happened? We’re having a friendly meal here. This was a nice evening.
Ted: Yeah! This was a nice evening.
Tami-Lynn: Don’t talk shit to me.
Lori Collins: I just asked you a question!
Tami-Lynn: You know, you’re a freakin’ snob! You think you’re all cool cause you work at some fuckin’ fancy shit place. Whatever!
Ted: Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori. Real, nice.
Lori Collins: Me? It’s not my fault she can’t speak English!
Tami-Lynn: Oh, fuck you! Just cause you’re in the business world and shit, you think, what? Everybody should suck you asshole or somethin’?
Ted: Okay, alright. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let’s get out of here. We’ll go back to my place for a couple of vodka strawberry quicks.
[Ted takes Tami-Lynn’s hand and leads her away from the table]
Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I could kick your fuckin’ ass! And you better never show your face around Queens, you hear me?
Ted: Okay! Okay. Come on. Come on.
[as they walk out of the restaurant]
Ted: I didn’t know you had a baby. Is it alive?
[after Ted and Tami-Lynn leave the restaurant]
Lori Collins: What a cunt!
John Bennett: Ow! I hate that word!
Lori Collins: What?
John Bennett: That word! It’s so shop, it’s like an electrical sword, slashing everything in its path! Why would you say that?
Lori Collins: You didn’t exactly stand up for me!
John Bennett: I’m tryin’ to walk a line here. I wanna be fair to you and to him, you know?
Lori Collins: Well, I think you’re being a little more fair to him.
John Bennett: Oh, come on!
Lori Collins: You know, your boss called this morning, asking me how my arm was.
John Bennett: Huh?
Lori Collins: Yeah, because of the dog fight that I tried to break up?
John Bennett: Oh, right.
Lori Collins: If I had to make a guess, I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to Ted’s. Now, am I right?
John Bennett: I made you out to be a hero.
Lori Collins: You know what? We asked Ted to move out so that we can give ourselves a chance without him. You’re not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear!
John Bennett: You’re right. I’ve been getting stoned too much. I know that. I’ve been bummin’ around Ted’s too much, I know that too. You give me one more chance, I promise, I can fix it.
Lori Collins: John, I need a man. Not a little boy with a teddy bear.
John Bennett: I know. Done. Man, right here in front of you. Alright? Look at these pecks. These are man pecks. Look at the hair on my upper lip. That’s man hair. I just farted. That was a man fart.
Lori Collins: Fine. Fine, John. But this is, I swear to God, your last chance.
John Bennett: Trust me, I love you.
Lori Collins: Alright, I love you too.
[John kisses her on the cheek]
John Bennett: I love you so much. You won’t be sorry, I swear.
Lori Collins: Did you really just fart?
John Bennett: Yeah! But I pushed it that way with my hand.
Lori Collins: I wonder who’s it’s gonna hit first.
[they look over at a table near them with three business men talking, suddenly one of them starts gagging as the smell of the fart hits them and he shouts out]
Guy at Table #1: Who did this to us?
Guy at Table #2: God dammit! I’m here on business!
[at the party at Rex’s house, Rex shows John he’s collections]
Rex: Check this out. That’s Lance Armstrong’s nut. I had it freeze dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when my life’s getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here and look at it. It reminds me that things aren’t so bad.
John Bennett: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex: Sometimes you don’t.
John Bennett: You know, Lori would hate me for saying this. But, you know, she told me how you are with her at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say, I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Rex: Wow. Let me uh…get to clear the air here a little. I mean, yeah, I’m kind of a fun time boss and what not. But look, man, I do that with everybody at the office. I’m a kook! I have no designs on your girlfriend. We work together, but that’s it, and I think you’re a great guy. She’s a very lucky girl.
John Bennett: Well, that’s good to hear.
[after finishing his conversation with Rex about Lori, John gets a call from Ted]
Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man.
John Bennett: Why? What’s goin’ on?
Ted: Okay, so I’m havin’ a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here!
John Bennett: What?
Ted: Sam Jones. Flash fucking Gordon is here!
John Bennett: Holy Shit! What?
Ted: You remember I said my buddy’s cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy is in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here! And, John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John Bennett: Just like in the movie.
Ted: Yes! Get over here, right now.
John Bennett: Fuck! I can’t! I’m with Lori here, I’m already on probation. I just…I can’t.
Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John Bennett: I’m comin’!
[after Ted’s call about Flash Gordon being in his apartment]
John Bennett: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I’ll be back in like thirty minutes tops, okay? Lori cannot find out, she absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I’m cool with all that other shit.
Rex: I got your back on this. She won’t know, I’ve been there.
John Bennett: Alright, this is one man to another. I don’t really know you, but I’m trusting you as man, this is serious.
Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John Bennett: Thank you. I’ll be back!
[John turns and make a run for it; to himself as John leaves]
Rex: I’m gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
[John arrives at Ted’s party, looking for Sam Jones]
Ted: Oh, Johnny! Thank Christ, you made it!
John Bennett: Dude, I got ten minutes. Where’s Flash Gordon?
Ted: Okay, get ready.
[Ted turns and calls out to Sam Jones]
Ted: Hey, Sam! This is the guy I was tellin’ you about.
[as John sees Sam Jones we hear the theme tune to Flash Gordon as John fantasizes being in the movie Flash Gordon with Sam Jones as Flash Gordon]
Sam Jones: How you doin’? Good to meet you.
John Bennett: I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam Jones: Ooh, You’re welcome.
Ted: He acknowledged it!
Sam Jones: Let’s do some shots!
John Bennett: With you?
Ted: Oh, my God!
John Bennett: Yes! Oh, my God! Yes!
Ted: Totally, yes.
Sam Jones: Let’s go!
[as Jones gives them their shots and holds up his glass]
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
John Bennett: Yes!
[they down their shots]
Sam Jones: You know, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
Ted: Uh…cocaine, right?
Sam Jones: Come on, dudes! Don’t tell me you never done it before!
John Bennett: Well, not…not recently, no.
Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam Jones: You better follow me. Come on.
Ted: Johnny, I’m frightened.
[they follow Jones to the bathroom, where they take cocaine]
[as they come out of the bathroom after taking cocaine]
Sam Jones: We are gonna party like the eighties.
Ted: Show us how, Flash.
Sam Jones: It’s easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted: Johnny, I got so much energy. We better start doin’ stupid shit.
[we then see Ted singing a karaoke]
[as both are high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, look, Johnny. If we ever gonna get serious about openin’ up restaurant, we gotta start plannin’ it now.
John Bennett: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes!
John Bennett: What’s the special on Tuesday?
Ted: Eggplant pot.
John Bennett: Chop salad.
Ted: Half price! And it’s a non-restrictive place.
John Bennett: Yeah. Wait! What do you mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John Bennett: Of course!
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John Bennett: Well, yeah! I mean, why wouldn’t they be?
Ted: Exactly! That’s what I’m sayin’.
John Bennett: Yeah, but why are you even bringin’ it up?
Ted: You don’t bring it up, you just let ’em in.
John Bennett: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John Bennett: But why are we talkin’ about it?
Ted: You’re talkin’ about it, I’m sayin’, let ’em in.
John Bennett: Yeah, let ’em in.
John Bennett: Right!
Ted: Do it!
John Bennett: Okay!
Ted: No Mexicans though.
Ted: Trust me, I can do this.
Guy #1: Shut up!
Guy #2: Try it, man.
Guy #1: Alright, okay.
[the guy spread his hand out on the table, Ted takes a knife and starts slowly doing the ‘knife between fingers’ trick, as Ted speeds up he suddenly stabs the guy in the middle of his hand, the guy screams in pain]
Guy #1: You son of a bitch!
Ted: Well, you never should have trusted me. I’m on drugs.
[at his party, still high on cocaine]
Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
[as he draws Garfield’s face around a naked girl’s tits]
Ted: See, there! Proof! Garfield’s eyes looks like a pair of tits.
Tami-Lynn: You were right!
[to Sam Jones]
Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John Bennett: Are you gonna do it?
Sam Jones: I’m gonna punch through it.
Ted: Go on, Sam! Do it!
John Bennett: Do it! Come on!
[Jones punches through the wall]
Ted: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He did it!
[after Jones punches through the wall into Ted’s Chinese neighbor’s apartment]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break my wall! This my home long time! You break my wall, you bastard men!
John Bennett: We’re sorry! It was an accident, okay?
Asian Man ‘Ming’: I try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere!
John Bennett: Okay, look. Can we just talk about this? What’s your name? I’m John.
Asian Man ‘Ming’: My name Wang Ming!
Sam Jones: Ming?
[Jones starts seeing him dressed as Ming from Flash Gordon]
Asian Man ‘Ming’: You break down wall! This bullshit! This all bullshit!
Sam Jones: Death to Ming!
[suddenly Jones attacks Ming and start beating him up]
[John spots Guy at Ted’s party holding Ryan Reynold’s hand]
John Bennett: Hey, Guy.
Guy: What’s goin’ on? This is uh…Jared. He’s the guy who beat me up, and uh…we’re in love.
John Bennett: Huh?
Guy: Turns out I’m uh…gay, or whatever. I…I had no idea. Hey, Jared, let’s go grab a mellow ice.
[they walk off with John looking at them open mouthed]
[as John starts to looking worse for wear]
Sam Jones: How we doin’, ace? Comin’ down?
John Bennett: Yeah, I don’t feel so good.
Sam Jones: Oh, give it a couple of hours. You’ll be golden, pony boy. You want a Zanex?
[John notices the time and how late it is]
John Bennett: Oh, shit! Oh, my God!
Sam Jones: What?
John Bennett: I gotta…I gotta go.
[as John is about to leave Ted’s party, Lori shows up]
John Bennett: Lori, I…
[Lori upset at seeing him there, turns and leaves and John goes after her]
John Bennett: Lori! Lori, wait! Please! Look, I’m sorry! I messed up!
Lori Collins: John, I need you out of the apartment tonight.
John Bennett: Can I…
Lori Collins: Give me the car keys!
John Bennett: Can I please just explain?
Lori Collins: No!
John Bennett: Look…
Lori Collins: John, I’ve given up a huge chunk of my life for you!
John Bennett: I was gonna stop in, for like, five minutes, and then Flash Gordon…
Lori Collins: Just give me the car keys!
[John reluctantly gives her the keys]
John Bennett: Lori. Lori, please! I love you!
[Lori takes the keys and drives off]
[after Lori drives off, Ted walks out of his building]
Ted: Hey, Johnny, there you are. I gotta get some air, that guy from your office is in there on the couch makin’ out with that Van Wilder lookin’ guy.
John Bennett: Fuck you, I don’t even wanna talk to you.
John Bennett: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fuckin’ life just ended!
Ted: Oh, come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones or somethin’ else. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine, you’ll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John Bennett: Are you even listenin’ to me? Do you give any shred of a shit?
Ted: Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder buddies for life, remember?
John Bennett: Jesus! You know, Lori was right! I should have stopped hanging’ out with you a long time ago. I’m never gonna have a life with you around! I’m thirty five years old and I’m goin’ nowhere! All I do is smoke pot, watch movies with a teddy fuckin’ bear! Because of that I just lost the love of my life!
Ted: Johnny, I’m…I’m sorry. I…
John Bennett: I gotta be on my own, Ted. I can’t see you anymore.
[John walks off]
Ted: John, wait! Listen!
[as he watches John walk off Ted presses his voice automated ‘I love you’ button]
[at work, Lori is in Rex’s office]
Rex: So word of the grapevine is that you are newly solo.
Lori Collins: Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get to.
Rex: I have tickets to Norah Jones at the Hatch Shell tonight and I would love it if you’d go with me.
Lori Collins: You’re asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody?
Rex: Look, I’m…I’m gonna cut the shit here.
Lori Collins: Please.
Rex: This is the first time that you’ve been single in all the years you’ve worked here. Just go out with me one time, and if you’re miserable and you hate it, then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again. Please.
Lori Collins: Rex, I don’t think it’s smart.
Rex: I’m an asshole, I know that. It worked for me in high school and it’s been a reflex ever since. Lori, the worst that can happen is that you could go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk. Plus, you are a huge catch, and it’s about time somebody treated you that way.
Lori Collins: Fuck it. Fine. Fine. Sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night, and it that means getting you off my back, well that’s just a bonus.
Rex: I’ll pick you up at eight.
[Ted turns up at the cheap motel that John’s staying in]
Ted: Look, Johnny, I know you’re pissed, alright. But just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
John Bennett: What?
Ted: I’m serious, John. I went over to talk to her, and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, pickin’ her up! They were goin’ to the Hatch Shell.
John Bennett: You’re fuckin’ unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think that by makin’ shit like that up, you’re gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you’re out of you fuckin’ mind!
Ted: Johnny, it’s the truth! I’m tellin’ you.
John Bennett: You know what? Get out of here.
Ted: You know what? You’re actin’ like a cock, you know that?
John Bennett: What? I’ve been actin’ like a cock?
Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meathole for a second and listen to me!
John Bennett: Huh?
Ted: Meathole…no, that’s not right, is it? No. Puddin’ hole? Is that what they say? No, it can’t be that either, right? Cause how can you have any puddin’ if you don’t eat your meats?
[Ted chuckles a little]
Ted: That’s…it’s Pink Floyd.
Ted: Look, the point is, you’re blamin’ me for somethin’ that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you, you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John Bennett: Oh, and you can?
Ted: I don’t have to! I’m a fuckin’ teddy bear! You know somethin’, I didn’t tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you’re supposedly my best friend.
John Bennett: You can’t stand there and tell me you haven’t always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship. I mean, it works out so much better for you, when you and I get fucked up on the couch at 9 a.m., isn’t it?
Ted: Listen to yourself? What am I? Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That’s your choice, John! And you know, by blamin’ me, you…you’re just makin’ yourself look like a pussy.
John Bennett: You know, sometimes I think back to the Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I’d just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!
Ted: Say that one more time.
John Bennett: Teddy Rux-fuckin’-pin!
[Ted, looking furious suddenly runs towards John, jumps onto him and starts punching him, they fight, trashing the motel room]
[after fighting with Ted, John lies on the floor moaning and crying as Ted has thrown the TV on his groin]
Ted: Why are you cryin’?
John Bennett: My dick is squished!
[John pushes the TV off his groin and drags himself towards his bed and sits up]
Ted: I’m…I’m so sorry, Johnny!
John Bennett: So am I, man.
Ted: I love you!
John Bennett: I love you too!
[Ted wipes a tear from his eye]
Ted: Listen, you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
John Bennett: There’s no puttin’ things right, she fuckin’ hates me!
Ted: No, John, we can…we can get her back. Look, I…you remember when you were ten and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun, and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started cryin’? You remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life? John, we could do that again.
John Bennett: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs tryin’ to give it CPR, it died!
Ted: Come on! We’re goin’ to the Hatch Shell.
[back stage at Norah Jones’s concert]
Ted: Hey, play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones: Teddy!
Ted: Ha-ha-ha! How are you?
[Norah hugs Ted]
Norah Jones: How are you doin’, you fuzzy little asshole?
Ted: Well, you know, I’m not a hot half Muslim chick who sold thirty seven million records, but I’m hangin’ in there.
Norah Jones: Well, half Indian, but thanks.
Ted: Yeah, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey, listen, I want you to meet a good pal of mine. Alright, John Bennett. Norah Jones.
John Bennett: Hi! Hi! How are you doin’?
[John nervously shakes Norah’s hand]
Norah Jones: Hey! Hey there, sweaty!
[she wipes her hand]
Norah Jones: You ready to bring down the house?
John Bennett: Yes, ma’am! Yeah! Thank you for the opportunity, miss…ma’am Jones. I…thank you.
Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic!
Norah Jones: Well, you’re probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted: No, right?
Ted: Me and Norah met in 2002 at party at Belinda Carlisle’s house, and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room
Norah Jones: Actually, you weren’t so bad with a guy with no penis.
Ted: Yeah, you know, I’ve written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
[to the crowd]
Norah Jones: So, I’m gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He’s gonna sing a song to his special lady in the audience, who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand to John Bennett!
[the audience claps as John walks on stage, both Lori and Rex are in shock as they watch]
Lori Collins: Oh, my God!
Rex: Holy shit!
[John walks towards the microphone and Ted watches Norah at the side of the stage]
Ted: I gotta fuck her again.
[after walking onto the stage]
John Bennett: Um…Hi. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, because I love you. This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life, the night we met. Uh…this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah starts playing the saxophone and piano and John starts singing]
John Bennett: All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two. Had no intention to do the things we’ve done.
[to himself as he watches John sing really badly]
Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.
John Bennett: Funny how it always goes with love, when you don’t look, you find. But then we’re two of a kind, we move as one. We’re an all-time high.
[suddenly John starts to sing in high pitch voice and the crowd starts booing, Rex makes fun as he and Lori watch in the crowd]
John Bennett: We’ll change all that’s gone before. Doing so much more than falling in love.
[suddenly a man in the crowd shouts to John]
Man at Concert: You’re an asshole!
[he runs towards John on the stage and John knocks him out with his microphone stand and John gets escorted off the stage by security]
[after the concert as they walk in the parking lot]
Rex: That was insane! Did you see the way the guy’s body hit the ground? It was like a rag doll!
Lori Collins: Yeah, I’d rather just not talk about it.
Rex: You wanna get a drink after this? I feel like I could use one just seeing a guy almost die.
Lori Collins: Nope. I think I’d rather just have you take me home.
Rex: One drink? Come on.
Lori Collins: No. Not really feeling up to it.
Rex: Alright. Alright. I get it. And you know, I don’t….I don’t blame you. I mean, when you think about it, it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that.
Lori Collins: Just to be clear, I’m not embarrassed. John and I may have a problems, but at least he tried. You know what? I…I don’t feel like talking to you about this.
[Lori turns and walk off]
Rex: Where are you goin’?
Lori Collins: Taking a cab! I’m going home!
[as Lori walks off, Rex farts and whispers to himself]
[Ted visits Lori’s apartment and rings her doorbell, she answers the door only wearing a towel]
Ted: Down here. Not lookin’ up your towel, swear to God. Not lookin’ up you towel, not lookin’ at your funny business.
Lori Collins: Ted, what are you doin’ here?
Ted: I need to talk to you.
Lori Collins: Listen, if you’re here to fight John’s battles for him, it’s not…
Ted: Look, let me talk first, alright? And then you can say whatever you want.
Ted: Look, John loves you very much. More than anything in the world. And he’s fallin’ to fuckin’ pieces without you. You know, I…he knows he screwed up huge, but you gotta believe me, it wasn’t all his fault. Alright? I told him to bail on you, that night at Rex’s, and he said no! He said no! He was gonna stay there with you and I twisted his arm, Lori. So, if you just give him one more chance, I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He’ll be all yours.
Lori Collins: Ted, that’s a really nice offer, but I don’t want you to do that. This is between John and me, and I don’t think that can be fixed.
Ted: Yeah, because of me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man, alright? But as long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s always gonna be a boy. He’s waitin’ down at Charlie’s right now, so if you go down there and just talk to him, I’ll be gone when you get back. Forever. And you’ll see, he’ll never be scared of thunder again.
[after Lori leaves the apartment to go see John, Ted goes to get a beer from the fridge and reads the beer label]
Ted: Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit. My God! America is imploding.
[as he goes to leave the apartment he sees Donny and Robert at the door]
Donny: Hi, Ted.
[Donny stuffs Ted in a pillow case and kidnaps him]
[after leaving Ted, Lori finds John at the diner]
John Bennett: Lori, what are you doing here?
Lori Collins: You can thank Ted. Should…uh….should I sit?
John Bennett: Yeah. I mean, if you want.
Lori Collins: Okay.
John Bennett: So, work’s good? Everything good there?
Lori Collins: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Work’s good.
John Bennett: Well, I guess we can’t make small talk all day, huh? If it’s okay with you, I just…I’m gonna say what I wanna say. Look, I could sit here and tell you I’m sorry, it was a huge misunderstanding and I’m ready to change, but I don’t think you wanna hear any of that crap. I’m not gonna try to get you to take me back. I mean, why would you? I’ve been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years, I don’t deserve you. Look, I know I didn’t take our relationship seriously. But Lori, I do love you more than life itself. All I want is, I just wanna end on good terms, and I owe that to you. And I want you to be happy, you deserve that. And I just hope, you know, that maybe we can still be friends.
Lori Collins: Thank you for being so honest.
John Bennett: Well, that’s pretty much it.
[he leaves cash on the counter and gets up to leave]
John Bennett: Thanks for comin’ by.
[he walks out of the diner]
[inside Donny’s Ted is shocked to find a wall devoted entirely to him with magazine covers, paparazzi photos and polaroids]
Donny: Yeah. As you can see, you’ve been a part of our family for quite some time. Welcome home.
Ted: Yeah. I…uh, it’s kind of funny actually. I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
Robert: Is he all mine, daddy?
Donny: Yes, he is, my little winner. Yes, he is.
[turning to Ted]
Donny: Ted, you’ve arrived at a lucky time. It’s almost Robert’s play hour.
Ted: Yeah, I’m guessin’ you guys don’t have a PS3, I’m guessin’ you’re more of a wooden horse with a wig kind of family.
Donny: Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.
[they enter Robert’s room and Ted sees a wooden horse with a wig on it in the corner of the room]
Ted: Yeah, see, there’s that guy.
Donny: Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now. Okay? You do as he says.
Ted: You think you’re just gonna get away with kidnapping? That’s a nice fuckin’ example you’re setting…
[suddenly Donny shouts]
[Robert looks at his father in fear]
Donny: Sorry! Sorry! You know, Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television and I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too, and he said no.
Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story.
Donny: And I was so heart broken, and I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever, say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Yeah, maybe a no to a Sneakers bar every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.
Robert: Me and Ted are best friends, daddy.
Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk.
[Donny goes to leave the room]
Donny: Happy play time.
[after Donny leaves Ted in Robert’s room]
Ted: Jesus fuckin’ Christ!
Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.
Ted: Yeah, that’s a great story, I felt like I was there.
Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch!
[suddenly Robert grabs one of Ted’s ears and rips it off and throws it across the room]
Ted: Alright! Alright, kid! You win! We’ll do it your way! What do you wanna do? You wanna play a game? It’s play time, right? We’ll play a game.
Robert: Yeah, I wanna play a game.
Ted: Good! Good! Uh…alright, let’s see. How about we…how about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert: I love hide and seek. I’ll hide.
Ted: Well, now, hang on a sec there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat Fuck?
Robert: Okay. You hide first.
Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert: Okay. Uh…do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted: No, you…that’s a weird fuckin’ question! No! Just start countin’.
[Robert turns and starts counting]
Ted: Okay, no peekin’ now or you’ll get kid cancer.
[Ted sneaks out of Robert’s room taking his severed ear, he goes downstairs where he sees Donny dancing to an 80s music video, he finds a stapler and reattaches his ear and then he finds a phone]
[Lori drives up to John who is walking alone on the sidewalk]
Lori Collins: Walking home alone, huh?
John Bennett: Yeah.
Lori Collins: Do you need a lift?
John Bennett: Oh, I’m okay. I mean, if I get raped it’ll be my fault for what I’m wearin’.
Lori Collins: Listen, John, there’s something that I need to say to you too.
[John gets into the car, but his phone starts ringing which shows a blocked number, John ignores it]
Lori Collins: Hey.
John Bennett: Hey.
Lori Collins: John, I hope that… Listen, I don’t want you to think that…
[John’s phone starts ringing again and he ignores it again]
John Bennett: Sorry.
Lori Collins: I wanna us to keep talking, because I think that maybe…
[John’s phone rings again]
Lori Collins: Go ahead.
[John answers the phone]
John Bennett: Look, whoever this, this is not a good time.
Ted: John, it’s me! Can you hear me?
John Bennett: Ted? Listen, I gotta call you back.
Ted: No, don’t! John, don’t hang up! I’m in trouble
John Bennett: What do you mean? What kind of trouble?
Ted: They got me! That freaky guy from the park and that kid, who I think is his son, but may also be his lover. I don’t know!
John Bennett: Woh! Woh! Woh! Slow down! Where are you?
Ted: Uh…I’m not sure. It’s uh…
[suddenly the phone line is cut]
Ted: Hello! Hello! John? Hello!
[we see Donny standing behind Ted]
Donny: You’re not a very polite guest, are you?
Lori Collins: What’s the matter? Is he okay?
John Bennett: I don’t know!
Lori Collins: Well, where is he?
John Bennett: I don’t know. He just said he was in trouble.
Lori Collins: Can you call him back?
John Bennett: No, it’s blocked. Wait a second.
[he finds Donny’s card in his pocket and they set off to find Donny’s place]
[as Donny and Robert are getting away with Ted in the back of the station wagon John and Lori find them, they chase after them and Ted breaks out of Donny’s back window and manages to leap onto Lori’s hood, but is then thrown back into Donny’s car, the pair of cars collide just outside of a park and come to a stop, Donny and Robert chase after Ted as he takes off, as Lori and John look for them Robert notices them and shouts]
Robert: No! You can’t have my teddy bear!
[as Robert runs towards them, John suddenly punches him in the face and knocks him out]
Lori Collins: Holy shit!
John Bennett: Sorry. Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid. Come on!
[they start running to look for Ted]
[as Ted attempts to escape Donny by climbing one of Fenway’s towering lights]
Donny: You’re mine, Ted!
Ted: Screw you, pal! I belong to John Bennett.
Donny: But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing!
Ted: I think we’re very far apart on this.
[Donny manages to grab hold of Ted’s lower body and accidentally widens the tear at his midsection, as Ted keeps climbing John shouts out to him and in that moment Donny grabs hold of Ted again and he is suddenly torn in half, and falls to the ground]
[as John and Lori find Ted lying on the ground with his body torn in half]
John Bennett: You’re gonna be okay, buddy. Can you understand? You’re gonna be fine.
[Ted looks down at his half torn body]
Ted: Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
John Bennett: No! No! Look at me, buddy. I promise, you’re gonna be okay!
Ted: I don’t think so. I’m uh…I…I’m in trouble. I need…I need to tell you something.
John Bennett: What is it?
Ted: Don’t….don’t ever lose her…again. She’s the most important…
Ted: …most important part of your life. Even…even more than me. She’s your thunder buddy. She’s…
[suddenly Ted’s magic disappears and he looks like he’s died]
[John and Lori rush back to the apartment and hastily try to sew Ted back together]
Lori Collins: Baby, I don’t know if this is gonna work.
John Bennett: Please, just try!
[as Lori keeps on sewing Ted together]
John Bennett: Come on, buddy!
[Lori finishes sewing, John tries to wake Ted but he still appears dead, John shrouds Ted’s body and stares at it]
Lori Collins: I’m so sorry. You did everything you could. I’m so sorry.
[that night as John sleeps, Lori, unable to sleep, looks out her bedroom window and sees a shooting star and makes the same wish that John had made years earlier]
[following morning John lifts the blanket covering Ted, but Ted is still appears dead, as John looks down upset, Ted’s eyes blink open and he looks around and stands up]
John Bennett: Ted!
Ted: I’m alive, Johnny!
[Ted speech appears to be muffled and his face seems partially paralyzed]
John Bennett: Oh, my God!
Ted: I’m alive! You’re magic must have worked!
John Bennett: You’re back! I…
Ted: Yeah! I mean, when you sewed me up, you put too many stuffing in the wrong places, so I’m…I’m a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
[John looks at Ted in shock then suddenly Ted goes back to talking normal]
Ted: Nah! I’m just kiddin’ you! I thought it’d be funny if you thought I was fuckin’ retarded.
John Bennett: You asshole!
Ted: Come here, you bastard!
[they hug each other]
[as John and Ted are hugging]
Lori Collins: Welcome bad, Ted.
[John and Ted turn to look at Lori]
John Bennett: It was you. You did it!
Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!
Lori Collins: No. No. No. I wished for my life back.
[John walks over to Lori and kisses her]
Lori Collins: I love you.
John Bennett: I love you too. And I want you to know that…that after last night, I don’t ever wanna lose anyone who matters to me ever again. I’m not gonna wait any longer for my life to start. Lori, will you marry me?
Lori Collins: All I ever wanted was you, Jonathan Bennett.
[they kiss as Ted watches them with happiness]
Narrator: [voice over] And so, John, Lori and Ted lived happily ever after. Having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other.
[we see John and Lori have their wedding at a cathedral getting married by Sam Jones]
Narrator: [voice over] John and Lori were married in Cambridge by a very special Justice of the Peace.
Sam Jones: By the power invested in me, by the New York Jets, and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo, I now pronounce you, man and wife. You may kiss the bride, Johnny.
[as John and Lori kiss the wedding crowd claps and cheers, John turns and sees his boss standing next to Tom Skerritt]
Thomas: Thanks so much for coming.
Tom Skerritt: My daughter better be alive, you sick on of a bitch.
[as they watch John and Lori leave the church]
Ted: Ah, you know, Sam, there’s only one way to end a perfect day.
Sam Jones: What’s that?
Ted: Flash jump.
Sam Jones: Right!
Sam Jones, Ted: One, two, three! Yah!
[they both jump]
Narrator: [voice over] And that’s the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
[we see montage of the main characters in the movie]
Narrator: [voice over] Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami-Lynn’s bare bottom, he was instantly promoted to store manager. Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career, he currently resides in Burbank, where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh. Remember Brandon Routh from that God awful Superman movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us! Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori, not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Donny was arrested by Boston Police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded. Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight and went on to become Taylor Lautner.
Total Quotes: 110
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