Teen comedy directed by Jeremy Garelick. Set in a time where all drinking and drugs have been made completely illegal, except for one night a year. High school seniors, Griffin (Skyler Gisondo), Hags (Dexter Darden), and Andrew (Eduardo Franco) decide to make a pilgrimage to get to the best party in town where all their dreams will come true, friendships are tested, love lives rattled and their brains completely scrambled.
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Narrator: America, the not so distant future. The economy is failing. A despondent society has turned to self‐medication. Road fatalities, crime, public disturbance, voice theft, all at record highs. Something needed to be done. Congress bravely votes to establish a modern day Prohibition. Zero tolerance policy was adopted. Overnight, the use, sale, and manufacturing of all alcohol and narcotics of any kind became illegal.
Narrator: Soon to emerge was a better, sober America. Inebriation, once viewed as socially appropriate, was now taboo, with just one exception. Once a year, the embargo is lifted. Narcotics once confiscated by police are distributed to the highest bidder. For twelve hours every year, US citizens, eighteen and up, are legally allowed to participate in bill A2904, known colloquially as simply The Binge. God bless America.
Narrator: Studies show that providing this outlet to the populace just once a year would combat their urge to indulge thereafter. In fact, only twenty-three percent of citizens attempt a second binge. For a third, this number plummets to just six percent. Psychologists predict this mechanism may annihilate all clinical addiction by 2055. Whether or not you choose to participate, or are merely an innocent bystander, no one is left unaffected by The Binge.
[addressing the students] Principal Carlsen: Guys, I only got two hobbies. Only two things I really spend my time on. That’s my woodworking, my elves, and that’s making hummus. And the other thing I do is protect the reputation of American High.
Sarah: My mom told me she used to drink wine from a box on the way home from work in college. Kimmi: We were born like way too late.
Principal Carlsen: Now unfortunately for those of you that do decide to Binge tonight, all the regular laws, well, those are still in place, and breaking those laws have consequences. [as they’re listening to Carlsen] Hags: Yeah, consequences like you playing p**is Jenga with his daughter! Griffin: Will you be quiet? Lena almost heard you say p**is Jenga.
[referring to Lena] Hags: See, bro, you got to get her attention! Griffin: I know. I’m working on it. You just, you got to let me do it my way, you know. Hags: By writing a confusing sonnet? Griffin: It’s not a sonnet. It’s a series of haikus, and I’m asking her to prom today.
[addressing the students] Principal Carlsen: But the jet ski was still attached to the dock, and it never took off. And then eventually it exploded into flames. Now, Kimberly Jones is here tonight. Can you guys guess which one she is? I’ll give you a hint. [he points to one side of him where some teachers are sat] Principal Carlsen: You’re cold. Cold. [he then points to the other side, where a woman with bandages on her face is sat] Principal Carlsen: Getting warmer. Getting warmer. Red hot. Burning hot. That’s Kimberly Jones. Wrapped up like a mummy because she’s ashamed of the way she looks.
Principal Carlsen: She works here at the high school. She makes the butterscotch pudding, and she does a wonderful job. We’re proud of you, Kim. And she’s never really allowed up before lunch, because again, she’s disgusting and revolting to look at, and it’ll make your stomach churn, and make you unable to eat. And on that note, please stop emailing me, Kim, about the Fantas in the mini‐fridge. I’m going to explode. I’ve said it to you six times. I want to treat you like a lady today, in front of everybody. Because you are one.
[referring to his failed attempt to make the students in assembly laugh] Hags: Man, did I misread the room. Andrew: Oh, I thought it was funny. Hags: Thank you, Andrew, but I don’t need your sympathies. I was just rejected by my peers, and I’m in a bit of a fragile state.
Spencer Wider: I heard if you do Molly, and drink a Mountain Dew, you start to see the future, but it doesn’t even pertain to you at all.
Student: My older cousin saw some random dude in Wisconsin’s future. Dan Grant: Other Man’s Future Syndrome. Sick.
[as Griffin refuses to Binge and the overalls Hags got him to wear] Hags: Okay, see, you are Binge‐ing. And overalls are chick magnets, man. They say if you keep it tight up top, below the waist, it’s anyone’s guess. Griffin: Who says that? Who says that about overalls? Hags: I do. And Lena’s going to love them.
Kathleen: I heard if you eat mushrooms, and sacrifice an animal, your entire world turns into a musical. Hags: There’s no way that’s true, Kathleen!
Hags: So you know my senior shop project I told you I was working on? Griffin: Yeah, man. The one you had the GoFundMe for when you were building the reusable hydration systems for third world countries. I was really proud of you for doing that. Hags: Yeah, man. F*** hydration. I lied. I put that money to much better use. Griffin: I donated seventy-five dollars.
[referring to his BoozeCycle] Hags: Is it a car? Kind of. Is it a bicycle? Almost. Griffin, this thing f***s! Griffin: I mean, it does. It’s really cool. It’s just, how would we even pedal it with two people? There’s ten seats. Hags: Hey, why you got to be so negative, bro?
Griffin: I love you, okay. I really do. And I appreciate you getting me a wristband, and stealing from all those people who desperately need clean water to build a BoozeCycle. Hags: Which is awesome. Griffin: It is. But I’m just going to stick to tradition. Do Root Beer Goat‐Night with our parents, and wake up tomorrow to continue my extended reign as mayor of Virgin City. [Lena overhears as she comes up behind them] Lena: Good to know, Mr. Mayor.
[after Hags referred to Griffin as Babe: Pig In The City] Griffin: [awkwardly] I have a normal sized hog. Probably no different than the next one. Not that I’ve seen, but naturally you do find yourself in positions where you see other hogs, and in those situations, I found that my hog is comparable, if not the same in thickness to those. Lena: That’s good to know.
Lena: So are you going to Binge? Griffin: After your dad’s speech? You’d have to be a certified dip‐s**t to go out tonight. Lena: Well, I guess I’m the mayor of Dip‐S**t City, because I’m seriously thinking about it. Griffin: Me too, by the way. I was completely joking before about the dip‐s**t thing.
Sarah: The package is basically fully stocked with like colorful frozen drinks and tiny umbrellas. Kimmi: I f***ing love tiny umbrellas. Do you think pink drinks too? Because my grandmother’s seen this show, it’s called Sex and the City, and they would just drink pink alcohol and have meaningless sex with strangers of foreign descent. Sarah: I would do disgusting things to a foreign guy tonight. I’m talking full spit roast.
Kimmi: You’re going to the Library Party? Hags: Hell, yeah. I’m going to the Library Party. And I’m hoping that you’ll check me out. Sarah: For what purpose? Kimmi: Excuse me? Hags: Uh, isn’t that a saying? Sarah: No, it’s not. Words have consequences, Hags. Hags: Okay, that’s what it is. It’s the language barrier thing. That’s what it was. Because I’m from another place. I’m fully foreign.
Sarah: Have you ever even been on a plane? Hags: Hell, yeah. I’ve been on a plane. Of course. I’m actually a current cardholder of the mile high club. Sarah: Oh, yeah? Hags: And the big d**k club. Sarah: Really? Hags: Mm‐hmm. Sarah: Well, why don’t you whip it out and show us? Hags: Mmm. You see, I would, but they keep the band room real cold. It’s not really a accurate depiction of my genitalia. Sarah: That’s what I thought. Virgin.
[as he enters the boys locker room] Principal Carlsen: Kurt, how come I never see you with your shorts off? Seem a little locker room shy. Want to see how a man walks around the locker room? Want to take a look at it? I’ll pull my pants down, I’ll go take a s**t, I’ll get in the shower. You want to watch it? Whatever it is, get comfortable with it. It ain’t going away.
[in the boys locker room] Principal Carlsen: One shake and you’re done, Tommy. No one wants to watch your d**kplay in here. At your age, you’re a hair‐trigger. You’re liable to blow all over the place. Have a story about you for the rest of your life. You want that? Put the d**k down.
Principal Carlsen: [to Griffin] I’m pretty okay with my daughter being friends with a nice Brown man. [awkward pause] Principal Carlsen: Let me walk that back just a little bit. That’s not the kind of quote that you want taken out of context. Congratulations on getting into a great university, Brown.
Principal Carlsen: Since we’re talking about scratching each other’s backs, I have just the smallest little itch I was wondering if you could get your fingernails on. It’s called “Where the f*** is the party tonight?” Sarah Martin’s “Dank‐A** Pre‐Game” is already on my radar. I understand they’re thinking of smoking a little bit of pot. Maybe some Lean? A little Purple Drank. You know what I’m talking about? Griffin: Oh, I do. But I wouldn’t. I personally wouldn’t sniff glue, or drink Purple Drank, or just associate with Sarah Martin at all. Principal Carlsen: Well, that’s good. That b**ch has chaotic energy. She’s like a scorpion in a toaster.
Principal Carlsen: And Hags, do me a favor. Try to find a nickname that’s a little bit more normal. Something like Lucas or Quan.
Principal Carlsen: You know, there’s a prank turd in the chemistry lab. I was wondering if you could be an angel, sweep in and scoop that up. Griffin: I would love to do that. Principal Carlsen: Thank you, Quan. [Carlsen leaves] Hags: F***! Quan? Who the f*** is Quan?!
Narrator: And so it begins. As school lets out, sirens pierce the air, informing the civilian population of what’s to come. For some, a warning. To those not participating, to get home, bunker down, and pray for safety. For others, it’s the sound of celebration, excess, freedom. Underground competitions known as Gauntlets capture the nation’s attention. Creating local legends in those who win and lasting memories for all who compete.
[as he sees Hags’s parent and his wife fall asleep] Griffin’s Dad: Hey, everybody. What’s happening here? Too early to fall asleep. I bought Big Bang Theory Clue.
[as their parents fall asleep] Griffin: Hags, did you do something? Hags: No! I just gave them a couple sleeping pills. Griffin: You roofied our parents?! Hags: I did not roofie our parents. The pills were in their medicine cabinet.
Hags: Griffin, I was lying when I said I wasn’t scared. I am scared. But I’m not scared about what’s going to happen tonight. I’m scared about what’s going to happen after tonight. You’re going to Brown. And I’m going to be stuck here working at Chuck E. Cheese. And that’s life, Griff. Look, you go and you beat that Dr. Seuss promposal a**hole to the punch. You look Lena in the eyes and tell her exactly what you’ve wanted to tell her your entire life.
Hags: Tonight we become legends, Griffin. We go to that party and we win that Gauntlet. This is our last chance to make a great memory. Griffin: Wow! That was really good. That was good. Hags: Thanks. Griffin: Did you practice that? Hags: A couple of times. Yeah.
[as Hags and Griffin go looking for Andrew at his house] Deidre: You guys cops? Hags: No. Griffin: No. We’re just, we’re in high school.
Andrew: It’s okay, mom. These are my friends. Deidre: Your friends? Yeah, right. Andrew: I have friends, mom! Why don’t you believe me? Deidre: Why don’t I believe that you have friends? Probably because your tendency towards violence caused us to be banned from the f***ing church! Andrew: You didn’t give me my calming pills! That’s why! Deidre: I canceled our family trip to Reno to pay for your freaking calming pills! Why do you think your father left? Andrew: You said my dad left to pursue his dreams. Deidre: His only dream was to leave this house. Happy Binge!
Andrew: F*** you, mom! I’ll bury you behind a Jiffy Lube. And my friends are going to help me! Griffin: We’re not, we’re not going to do that. Hags: We will not be doing that. I mean, I don’t even know him now.
Deidre: You think I’m afraid of a couple of puto cops? I spent eighteen years in a Bangkok prison hanging upside down from my l**ia. Two of those years, I was pregnant with you! Andrew: That’s not even true, mom! Who are you trying to impress? Deidre: Take these two guys up to my room, and show them the Chai Ming Fist Bump. Hags, Griffin: I don’t want to see that. Andrew: What the f*** does that even mean, mom? Deidre: I’ll burn that tongue if you ever speak to me that way again. Andrew: Do it!
Hags: Listen, Andrew, we’re in a bit of a rush. We just wanted to know how much we would have to pay you for those wristbands you said you can get us? Andrew: Well, currency is an illusion influenced by a false reality. I live my life on a bartering system. Griffin: Okay, we can work with that. So what do you want? Andrew: To be your wingman tonight.
[referring to Seb] Griffin: Wait, he’s your twin brother? Andrew: Yeah. From a different father. Hags: Excuse me? Griffin: What? Andrew: Heteropaternal superfecundation. It’s actually pretty common. You see, it’s when a woman allows two random sexual partners to ejaculate inside of her during a special two‐egg ovulation. Yeah. And then she has fraternal twins from two different fathers. So I have a half‐twin brother. Or a full twin half‐brother. Halfernal for short. He’s actually, he’s six days older than me.
[as they go to see Seb to get the orange wristbands] Seb: Ah, little brother. What are you doing here? I thought you vowed never to talk to me again after I made you eat all that tinsel off the Christmas tree. Andrew: Time heals all wounds, brother. Seb: Ah, there’s always time to make another.
Seb: Are you cops? Griffin: We are literally in the same grade. Why does everyone think we’re cops?
[after Griffin rips off a hair removal strip from his forehead] Griffin: Andrew, did I just rip my eyebrow off? Andrew: No, not all of it. [touches where his eyebrow used to be] Griffin: Oh! F***! Okay. Okay. How long does it take for an eyebrow to grow back? Andrew: Six to twelve months. Griffin: Months! Andrew: Couple weeks to get one shipped. [referring to the dart in his neck] Hags: I need serious medical attention here. Griffin: I can’t talk to Lena like this. I can’t talk to Lena with one eyebrow!
Principal Carlsen: I’ve laid a piece of wood out, and I’m going to carve one of those gnome walking sticks. I know they’re ugly bastards, but I’m drawn to them.
[referring to the eyebrow Hags has drawn on Griffin] Griffin: You guys really think this looks okay? Hags: Honestly, I think it’s better than before.
Andrew: Hags is absolutely right, by the way. People are more likely to have sex while on drugs. My mom got pregnant with Seb and I while she was on cat tranquilizer.
Hags: Why did we ever stop hanging out? Andrew: That’s a funny story, Hags. Remember Greg Olivotti’s roller rink party, where you guys convinced me to do the Mambo No. 5 shuffle? Well, I crashed into Christina Barnes and dislocated her shoulder, and then she couldn’t go to the cheer finals in Fort Lauderdale. They ended up losing, and everyone blamed me. Then I come to find out there’s no such thing as the Mambo No. 5 shuffle to begin with. That kind of changed the course of my life.
Hags: To our first sip of alcohol. To the Binge. Cheers, fellas. [they all start gagging after drinking their shots] Waitress: Another round? [looking grossed out] Hags: Absolutely! Griffin: I’m going to go to the bathroom. Andrew: I’ll have some celery sticks.
Kimmi: Ew, what happened to your eyebrow? Hags: He’s got cancer. Next question? Griffin: I don’t have cancer. Hags: He’s just being modest.
Griffin: Have you guys seen Lena at all? Sarah: I don’t know who that is. Kimmi: Who the f*** is Lena? Griffin: She smells good.
Hags: Listen, ladies, check it out. We got ten seats. Eleven, if you count my face. Sarah: What do you mean by that? Hags: There’s a whole squad of y’all, and there just might not be enough seats.
[after Lena texts Griffin asking how long till they turn up to the party] Hags: Just stall! Tell her we’re picking up some booze. Or actually some presents! Chicks love presents. Andrew: And astrology. Just tell her that you’re a Leo. That’s why you’re getting the presents. Griffin: I’m a Virgo though. Andrew: That’s even better. That means that your emotions rise with the tides. Hags: How do you know so much about astrology? Andrew: I had a pen‐pal that went to Space Camp.
[as he writes his text to Lena] Griffin: “I’m at Sarah’s. I’m just getting you presents because I’m a Virgo.” Send. Yeah? Hags: I’m Proud of you. Griffin: Thanks, guys. Hags: Proud of you. [he looks down at his phone] Griffin: It autocorrected to “I’m going to get you pregnant because I’m a virgin!” F***!
[as Sarah’s told them to punch each other in order to ride in the limo] Hags: F***, you hit my throat. Griffin: You okay? Hags: What happened to the “Go”? Griffin: I’ve never punched someone in the face before. And my inner‐ear balance is all messed up. Sarah: I can’t believe you guys just did that. We would have let you in the car anyway. Hags: I can’t swallow.
Narrator: And so, as daylight fades across the landscape, and the moon sits perched in the night sky. The effects of the poison grip the minds of all who imbibe. Some will live to tell a tale of growth, while other may fall prey to the dark side.
Pompano Mike: You know, this is the last remaining automobile from Xzibit’s Pimp My Ride show. Probably before your time. I’m pretty bad with ages. What are you guys, like thirty-six? Thirty-eight? Hags: Uh, eighteen.
Griffin: Pompano, you know driving under the influence is still against the law tonight, right? Pompano Mike: Yeah. But the only way to avoid drivers under the influence is to be over the influence. That was my senior quote. I thought it was pretty wise at the time, and I still do.
Pompano Mike: Suck it down pipe. Griffin: You keep saying that, Pompano Mike. I just don’t know what it means. Pompano Mike: Okay, I’ll spell it out for you. Here are the ABCs of sucking it down pipe! Okay. You puff it in all the way down to your lungs. Let it marinate there, and then you release it. You know, like a fart during a family movie night, I don’t know, whatever you guys wanted to watch!
[as Carlson joins the female house party, thinking Lena is there] Lady #1: Woh. I hope the carpet matches the drapes. Principal Carlsen: This is a little bit more of an adult party than I… Lady #1: Yeah, and you’re still wearing your pants.
Principal Carlsen: Stop playing around with me and tell me where the kids are, or I can make it pretty uncomfortable here in town. I’m also a city councilman. I can find out if the property taxes to this house is paid up or not. I can have a detective follow you and find out who each and every one of you girls is f***ing, and I’ll turn some families upside down. So I’m going to ask it one more time before things start to turn just a little bit uncomfortable. Ready? Where is my daughter? Lady #2: Yeah, see, now I love the passion and you’re really going for it, but it’s too dark now. It’s too dark. Bring it back. Maybe back to Principal. Principal Carlsen: What are you talking about? Lady #3: We really appreciate your commitment to the part, but we just want to see a big swinging d**k. Just show us your d**k.
[referring to the weed] Pompano Mike: Fry. Ozark. Alabaster Arrow. Dirty Rubix Cube. Disco Dave. Spork. Griffin: I have no clue what you’re talking about. Pompano Mike: It’s just your plain Jane Rainy Day Woman, mixed with a little chunk of PCP. Griffin: PCP? Pompano Mike: Yeah, PCP. Dragon’s Breath. Cheese Tacos. Chicken Tamales. Hip Hip Hooray. Monkey Punch. Oral Fire Traffic. Crunch Wrap Supreme. Deuces Wild. Pirate’s Booty. Toledo. Nuts‐A‐Bunch. Los Lonely Boy. Diagon Alley. Road to Terabithia. Nugget Rush.
[as he’s signing the nude painting of himself] Principal Carlsen: Years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, be kind. Lady #2: Ooh, and before you go, here’s a little gift from your favorite students. Principal Carlsen: You ladies are so sweet, but, honestly, my time with you was gift enough. So thank you. Lady #2: Oh, trust me. You’re going to want this one. It’s drugs.
Griffin: Did we just kill an innocent cow? Hags: We are not bad people, Lord. We just made a mistake.
Hags: I’m going to put some cocaine in his eye. Kimmi: Fix the cow! Hags: Everybody, please stop yelling. [the cow starts blinking] Hags: Okay, that worked. Give me something else. Sarah: Wake that cow up! Fix it!
Hags: I’m going to Pulp Fiction the cow!
Principal Carlsen: What’s this? You guys getting into some slamballs? Run your pockets. Dan Grant: What’s a slamball? Principal Carlsen: This is how it starts. Little sip of wine, some slamballs, and then you leave your family for an ATV instructor named Gabriel. And then, you stop being a mom, and participating in the family, because you’re so ashamed from a life of porn, you can’t look your daughter in the eye anymore. And guess who gets stuck holding the bag? Dear old dad. Is that going to be you? Are you going to be a mom that leaves her family?
Principal Carlsen: Are you a mom that could walk out on his family? Dan Grant: I would never leave you. Principal Carlsen: What the f*** makes you think I’m talking about me? Dan Grant: I thought we were just role playing. I know it wasn’t you. If I was a mother, I would never leave my family. That’s all I know. Here, these are all my drugs. I’m sorry I lied to you, Principal Carlsen.
[after he’s taken the students drugs] Principal Carlsen: Oh. And if anybody asks you guys, just let them know that the Panther sent you. [he punches one of the students in the face] Spencer Wider: Who’s the panther? Where’s he supposed to send us?
Hags: Look, we cannot give up now. We are six point eight miles away from that party. And then when Lena sees you, there’s no way she can say no to you. Griffin: Well, what would that even look like, man? “Hey, Lena, it’s me. I’m really sorry for calling you a b**ch earlier. It’s probably because I was high off my a** on PCP. I almost just died after crashing into a cow, and then got absolutely f***ing demolished by an eighteen wheeler. And as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, I’m missing an entire f***ing eyebrow. But, hey, don’t worry about it. It’ll probably grow back in six to twelve months. You want to go to prom?” Hags: Hey, you sold me. Andrew: I’d say yes.
[after they’ve been forced to eat magic mushroom burritos] Hags: I really don’t think we should be doing this many drugs. [in a mocking voice] Dakota: “I don’t think we should be doing anymore drugs.” [to Hags] Dakota: That’s you.
Griffin: You know, you’re kind of an a**hole, man. Hags: Well, if it wasn’t for this a**hole, you’d still be at home tonight doing the Root Beer Goat. Griffin: Because of you, the dean of Brown is going to look up my name and see me, you, and Andrew taped a** to a**, rolling down the street blindfolded on Binge Night. Principal Carlsen is going to see that. Everyone will. That could ruin my f***ing life. If I’m even alive after the thirty mushroom filled burritos we just ate. Hags: Oh, I’m sorry for trying to add some fun to your miserable existence, Griffin. Griffin: What? What part of anything about tonight was fun?
Sarah: Don’t take it personally. I love messing with you. And tonight, I want to take our relationship to the next level. Hags: Wait, for real? Sarah: No, Hags! What the f*** is wrong with you? Hags: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know.
[after Griffin finds out Hags staged asking to the Lena to the prom for Griffin] Griffin: Why did you keep saying I had to beat the other guy to the promposal? Hags: You just needed a little push, man. Look, I always knew you would ask her. And I knew you could do it. This was all just a backup.
Hags: Have you seen Andrew? Griffin: No. I’m not even sure how I got to the party. Hags: Well, I was tap‐dancing in the street! Griffin: People were singing around me at one point. Andrew: I’ve had an e***tion for six hours.
Griffin: Lena, wait. There’s something I should have asked you a long time ago and was too terrified to do anything about it. But standing here now in front of all these people, and with your dad right behind you, the whole situation’s feeling a thousand times more awkward and terrifying than I even imagined it could be. But that’s okay, it doesn’t matter. Will you go to prom with me?
[in the middle of the party] Principal Carlsen: Lena, I don’t even know where you’re at. You’re sneaking around, and you’re lying to me. You got to come with me. I mean, you got to come alongside me. It’s time for us to come. [awkward pause] Principal Carlsen: Let me walk that back. I don’t want that taken out of context by anybody. We’re leaving. Lena: No. No, I’m not leaving. I know that sneaking out was wrong. But you said so yourself, I’m not going to be a teenager forever. So, this is where I’m at. I want to go out, and I want to try new things. And f***ing I’m probably going to make a thousand mistakes, but I’d really love to be able to talk to my dad about it.
Principal Carlsen: You’re my daughter. I see you. And you can talk to me anytime you want. Lena: Thank you, dad. That’s exactly what I… Principal Carlsen: Just not right now.
[after he volunteers to the the boys Valleyman for the Gauntlet] Principal Carlsen: You boys have the balls to dare to be living legends, then I’m not going to let some technicality stop that. Truth be told, I lost to the Gauntlet once. I was selfish. Tried to go solo. But now I realize, it takes a team. But only a team that’s built on trust.
Principal Carlsen: You come to my house, you pretend to be my friend and clean my pool. You played me. Then I get a text saying that you want to impregnate my goddamn daughter. Griffin: That was just an auto‐correct. Principal Carlsen: I respected it, because at least you were f***ing honest. And that’s what I need to have when we’re out there competing in the Gauntlet. When the chips are down, I need to know I can count on you. So do me a favor, strike me in the nuts. Griffin: You want me to do what?
Principal Carlsen: Show me your cards, Captain. Hit me in my balls and let me know your heart is true. Griffin: I just really don’t feel comfortable doing that. Principal Carlsen: No nut shot, no Gauntlet. Lena: Just do it! [Griffin punches Carlson in the nuts] Principal Carlsen: I’ve never felt as close to anyone as I do to you right now. [then he rubs his nose to Griffin’s nose]
[as he’s competing in the Alligator Donut part of the Guantlet] Lena: Dad, be careful. Principal Carlsen: Lena, quiet. You’re going to scare the gator. We talked about this. Lena: When?
[trying to imitate Al Pacino in Scarface as he’s competing in the Gauntlet] Hags: Oh, yeah. I’m Scarface. I mean, look at my big a** scar, on my face. I look just like him.
[trying to imitate Al Pacino in Scarface as he’s competing in the Gauntlet] Hags: I have nipples, Focker. Can you milk me? Sarah: That’s Robert f***ing De Niro from Meet the Fockers. Boomer: Dumba**.
[trying to imitate Al Pacino in Scarface] Hags: I am the best Scarface from here to Pelican Bay! Griffin: I mean, you do a great Denzel. But we’re not doing Denzel right now! Hags: Kong King ain’t got nothing on me!
[as he finally successfully imitates Al Pacino in Scarface] Hags: You’re all a bunch of f***ing a**holes. Because you don’t have the guts to be what you want to be. You people just know how to hide, how to lie. But see, me, no. Me, no, I don’t have no problems. I don’t have those problems. Because I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say goodnight to the bad guy! Because you’ll never see a bad guy like me again! [the crowd cheers and the boys win the Gauntlet]
Narrator: And with that, another Binge has come and gone. Tough lessons, the kind only experience teaches, have been learned. With a little diligence, this initiative can work. It can strike fear, it can take lives, but it can also save them. So until next Binge, stay alert, stay vigilant, and for heaven’s sake, suck it down pipe.
[as they’re all going to the prom] Principal Carlsen: You guys have fun! Watch your speed limit in that thing. Hags: Yes, sir. Principal Carlsen: Sarah, I love that hair. It’s crazy. Double bag it for me, Quan. Andrew, nothing weird about you. Kimmi, fantastic.
Lena: Are we really riding this the whole way? Hags: This is the PromCycle. This thing f***s. Let’s go! Full speed ahead! Time is wasting. Come on, Lena. Put your thighs in it. Lena: I am!
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