The Hangover Quotes(Page 2)
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Stu Price: I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended. Does that mean you’re a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer?
Jade: You know this. I’m a stripper.
Stu Price: [nodding] Mm-hm.
Jade: Well, technically I’m an escort, but stripping’s a great way to meet the clients.
Phil Wenneck: Smart.
Stu Price: Savvy.
Jade: But that’s all in the past, now that I married a doctor.
Stu Price: I’m just a dentist.
[giving kids a tour of the station he goes over to where Phil, Stu and Alan are sitting on a bench handcuffed together]
Officer Foltz: So after we take the mug shots, we bring ’em on down here where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers. Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches. We call this place ‘Loserville’.
[pointing to Phil, Stu and Alan. A kid comes over and takes a picture of Alan with his cell phone]
Officer Franklin: Gentlemen. We’ve got some good news, and we’ve got some bad news. The good news is we found your Mercedes.
Stu Price: That’s great news.
Phil Wenneck: That’s great.
Phil Wenneck: See?
Officer Franklin: Yeah, it’s over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. this morning parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard.
Phil Wenneck: In the middle. That’s weird.
Officer Franklin: Yeah, that is weird. There was also a note. It says, uh, “Couldn’t find a meter, but here’s 4 bucks.”
Officer Garden: You stole a police car.
Stu Price: We didn’t steal anything. Um, we found it.
Alan Garner: Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy.
Officer Franklin: I see assholes like you every day.
Officer Garden: Every fucking day!
Officer Franklin: ‘Let’s go to Vegas, we’ll all get drunk and laid!’
Officer Garden: Yeah. Whoo!
Officer Franklin: Woo-hoo!
Officer Garden: Woo-hoo!
Officer Franklin: ‘Let’s steal a cop car, cause it’d be really fucking funny.’
Officer Garden: Yeah. Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here.
Officer Franklin: [shouting] Not up in here!
Officer Franklin: Okay, kids. You’re in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect. That’s right.
Stu Price: Wait a sec.
Phil Wenneck: What?
Officer Franklin: Now, there’s two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal.
[tasers Stu and Stu falls down in pain]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck?
Officer Franklin: Or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You wanna come up here and do some shooting? Huh?
[all the kids put their hands up]
Officer Franklin: Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here. Alright. Let’s go, handsome, come on.
[Alan comes forward]
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
[pointing to Phil]
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
[to the little girl]
Officer Franklin: Alright, now, it’s real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
[to the little girl]
Phil Wenneck: Okay, look. You don’t really wanna do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t listen to this maniac. Let’s think this through.
[shouting to the little girl]
Officer Franklin: Finish him!
[the girl shoots the stun gun]
Phil Wenneck: Oh!
[Phil falls down in pain]
Officer Franklin: Yeah! Right in the nuts! That was beautiful. Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
Officer Garden: Good job. Good job
Officer Franklin: Hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?
[he points to the kid that Alan had tried to get a photo of Alan earlier on his cell phone]
Officer Franklin: How about you, big man? Come on up here.
[the kid walks up to the front]
Officer Franklin: Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot.
[the kids points the stun gun to Alan]
Officer Franklin: There you go. That’s the stuff. I like the intensity. Eye of the tiger. Good. You’re holding fifty thousand volts, little man. Don’t be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kids shoots the stun gun and hits Alan in the face]
Officer Franklin: In the face! In the face!
[Officer Franklin and Garden both start to laugh]
Officer Franklin: Oh, he’s still up. He’s still up!
[the kids get scared as Alan walks forward]
Officer Franklin: Alright, everybody relax, take it easy. We’ve seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge.
[he tasers Alan in the neck and he falls in pain]
Officer Franklin: There we go. Some of these big boys, you gotta give them two shots.
[after getting tasered]
Stu Price: That was bullshit. I’m telling everybody we stole a cop car.
Phil Wenneck: They let us go, who cares?
Stu Price: I care! You can’t just do that. You can’t just tase people because you…you think it’s funny. That’s police brutality!
Phil Wenneck: Alan, you okay?
Alan Garner: I’m just worried. What if something happened to Doug? Something bad.
Phil Wenneck: Ah, come on. You can’t think like that.
Alan Garner: I mean, what if he’s dead? I can’t afford to lose anybody close to me again. It just hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, I’m s… How’d he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II.
Stu Price: I’ll tell you another thing, 6 to 1 odds our car is beat to shit.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, not now.
Stu Price: No, seriously. How much do you wanna bet it’s like fucked up beyond all recognition?
Phil Wenneck: That’s enough. Look, Alan’s seriously worried, okay? Let’s not freak him out any more.
[after getting the Mercedes back and searching inside the car for clues]
Alan Garner: What is this, a snakeskin?
[Alan holds up a condom]
Stu Price: Oh, come on!
[Alan throws it on Stu]
Stu Price: Ew!
Phil Wenneck: That’s a used condom, Alan.
Stu Price: Oh! Bleh!
[throws the condom back to Alan]
Alan Garner: Oh, God!
Phil Wenneck: Get it out of the car.
Stu Price: Gross, it’s wet.
Alan Garner: I don’t want the thing.
[Alan throws the condom on Phil]
Phil Wenneck: Hey! Come on, guys! Get it off! I got jeez on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
Alan Garner: Get it out.
[Phil throws it out the car window and stops the car]
Phil Wenneck: Fuck! Oh, my God. Alright, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!
[getting attacked by the naked Chinese man that they found in the back of the car trunk]
Alan Garner: Woh. I’m with you, I’m with you!
Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody’s gonna fuck on you! We’re on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn’t your fault. I’ll get you some pants.
[Chow hits Alan really hard with the crowbar and runs away]
[after getting beaten up by Chow]
Stu Price: What the fuck was that? I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911.
Phil Wenneck: That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy? He was so mean.
Alan Garner: Guys, there’s something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof, before we went out…I slipped something in our Jägermeister.
Phil Wenneck: What?
Alan Garner: I’m sorry! I fudged up, guys.
Stu Price: You drugged us?
Alan Garner: No, I…I didn’t drug you. I wa…I was told it was ecstasy.
Phil Wenneck: Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
Alan Garner: The guy I bought it from at the liquor store.
Stu Price: Why would you give us ecstasy?
Alan Garner: Cause I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn’t take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night.
Stu Price: But it wasn’t ecstasy, Alan. It was roofies!
Alan Garner: You think I knew that, Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] I’m sorry, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn’t a good guy?
Phil Wenneck: Now, let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: You fucking calm down! He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I married a whore!
Alan Garner: How dare you! She’s a nice lady.
Stu Price: You are such a fucking moron.
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
Stu Price: Fuck you!
Phil Wenneck: Alright. Let’s just take a deep breath, okay? Right, seriously, this is a good thing guys. At least it’s not some stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason.
Stu Price: Yeah, yeah. You’re right, Phil, it’s totally a good thing. We’re so much better off now. Here’s something I would like to remind you two of; our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That’s highly unlikely.
Stu Price: It’s true.
Alan Garner: Wait, guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger.
Alan Garner: How the fuck did he get in there?
Stu Price: I don’t know, because I don’t remember.
[Stu looks accusingly at Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Alan Garner: Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh, roofies is memory loss.
Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.
[back in their hotel room]
Phil Wenneck: Who the hell are you?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: No, who the hell are you?
Mike Tyson: Quiet, quiet.
[Phil Collin’s ‘In the Air Tonight’ is playing in the background]
Phil Wenneck: Mike Tyson?
Mike Tyson: Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now.
[Tyson mimes playing the drums from the song and starts singing to the chorus lines]
[Tyson punches Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Oh, fuck! Why did you do that?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom.
Stu Price: And if you wanna kill us, just go ahead because I don’t even care anymore.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, what are you talking about?
Stu Price: What? I don’t care.
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?
Phil Wenneck: We tend to do dumb shit when we’re fucked up.
[after Tyson throws Doug’s jacket to them]
Stu Price: Did you guys see him?
Mike Tyson: I was fast asleep.
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Yeah, cause if he was up, this shit wouldn’t have gone down so smoothly.
Mike Tyson: Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar.
[Tyson’s bodyguard takes his hat off]
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Respect.
Phil Wenneck: Wha…what happened to Omar?
Mike Tyson: Oh, don’t worry about Omar, he’s not with us no more.
Phil Wenneck: Okay, I know this is asking a lot but do you think that there’s any way that we could go to your house and just look around see if there’s any clues for our friend?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Absolutely. How else you think we’re gonna get the tiger back anyway?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Come on, champ.
Phil Wenneck: I’m…I’m sorry?
Tyson’s Bodyguard: We’re not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think, about 40 minutes?
Mike Tyson: Don’t make me come back for him.
[after deciding to drug the tiger, Alan puts drugs into a raw steak]
Stu Price: This does not seem fair.
Phil Wenneck: It’s Rock, Paper, Scissors. There’s nothin’ more fair.
Stu Price: Alan should do it.
Phil Wenneck: Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson. Come on. For Doug.
[Alan starts putting pepper on the steak]
Stu Price: Why are you peppering the steak? You don’t know if tigers like pepper.
Alan Garner: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
[whilst waiting for the drugs to take effect on the tiger, Stu plays the piano and sings passionately]
Stu Price: What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Well, don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we’re gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal-meth tweakers…
[pauses for a moment]
Stu Price: …well, then we’re shit out of luck.
[referring to the hidden tiger under the sheets]
Dad in Elevator: So what do you guys got under there?
Phil Wenneck: Just a whole bunch ‘mind your own business’.
Stu Price: Easy, Phil.
Dad in Elevator: He’s correct. My fault.
Stu Price: You, okay?
Phil Wenneck: What’s the problem? We’re just riding an elevator. Why…is this Jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit!
Dad in Elevator: Please, with the language.
Alan Garner: Yes. I fully agree.
[riding in the car with the drugged tiger in the back seat]
Alan Garner: Hey guys, when’s the next Halley’s comet?
Phil Wenneck: Who cares, man.
Alan Garner: Do you know, Stu?
Stu Price: I don’t think it’s for like another sixty years or something.
Alan Garner: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu Price: No, I don’t think so.
Alan Garner: But you don’t know for sure?
Stu Price: No.
Alan Garner: I have this cousin, Marcus, who saw one he said it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never, ever miss out on a Halley’s comet. So if you guys know if there’s gonna be one…
[the tiger wakes up and roars]
Stu Price: [screams] Oh, shit!
Stu Price: That’s our buddy. That’s who…that’s who we’ve been missing. That’s great!
Alan Garner: We’re all best friends.
Mike Tyson: Why don’t you just pay attention? I don’t have all night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, of course. Of course.
[they see footage of Alan going over to the pool]
Alan Garner: That’s me, I’m on TV. I’ve never been on TV before.
[they watch footage of Alan peeing in the pool]
Phil Wenneck: Really? Really, Alan?
Alan Garner: Yeah…it’s uh…
[Alan gets all awkward as he watches himself continuing to pee in the pool]
Alan Garner: Maybe I…should I wait outside?
Mike Tyson: I think that’s a good idea, Alan.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
[Alan gets up to leave the room]
Tyson’s Bodyguard: Don’t touch anything out there, either.
Stu Price: You know what? He’s…he’s not our good fr…we don’t know him that well.
Mike Tyson: By the way, man, where’d you get that cop car from?
Stu Price: We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops.
Mike Tyson: Nice! Nice!
[they all start to laugh]
Mike Tyson: High five that one. Yeah, that’s nice.
[watching footage of them stealing the tiger and putting in the cop car]
Phil Wenneck: You know, I just have to say I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature.
[on video surveillance]
Phil Wenneck: Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger!
[footage shows Phil miming having sex with the tiger]
Phil Wenneck: Oh, my God! That’s awful.
Stu Price: Oh, man!
Mike Tyson: Who does shit like that, man?
Phil Wenneck: I…I…someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I’m a sick man.
Phil Wenneck: Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
Mike Tyson: Don’t worry about it, man. Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we’re fucked up.
[Stu and Alan laugh]
Stu Price: I told you he’d get it.
Phil Wenneck: I did say that.
Stu Price: You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.
Alan Garner: I think he’s mean.
[after deciding to tell Tracy about Doug missing]
Phil Wenneck: We just need to be completely honest. We just tell her everything.
Stu Price: We don’t have to tell her everything. I mean, we can leave out the stuff about me marrying a hooker. Just stay focused on Doug.
Alan Garner: What am I gonna tell my dad about this car?
Phil Wenneck: Alan, relax. It’s just the inside. Come on. I got a guy in L.A. who’s great with interiors…
[they stop at a red light and a car speeding from the other side of the road comes crashing into them]
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, assholes.
[holding Alan’s purse]
Phil Wenneck: What? Your purse?
Alan Garner: That’s not a purse, it’s a satchel!
Mr. Chow: It’s a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy.
Phil Wenneck: Wait a second, wait a second. We stole from you?
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