[as Scott is watching Margie having dinner with Ray at the restaurant he’s working at]
Zoots: Oh. I’ll be. Your moms is a bit of a baddie. She looks postcoital.
Scott: What’s postcoital?
Zoots: It’s like post-f***ing, but it’s your mom, so I want to be nice. But, oh, it’s definitely happening.
[as Scott spits on the bread Ray ordered]
Zoots: Oh, you just can’t spit on that like that, man. You got to be crafty. You can’t just go out at it like. You got to maneuver. Lick on it, or put a boogie in it or something.
[referring to the baguette]
Scott: You think I can fit this whole thing in my a**?
Zoots: If, uh, you really put your mind to it, bro.
[as they’re at a baseball game with Ray and his firefighter buddies]
Papa: Hey, you want a hot dog?
Scott: Oh, no, I can’t. I have Crohn’s.
Papa: What’s that?
Scott: It’s like when the lining of your stomach is all messed up, so it makes you s**t all the time.
Papa: Oh, thanks for sharing.
Ray: Next time, just say, “I don’t want a hot dog.”
Scott: Alright, I’m just trying to spread awareness.
Ray: Hey, you ever think about putting on the jacket?
Ray: What are you laughing about?
Scott: Because it’s a stupid question, Ray.
Ray: What do you mean, stupid?
Scott: It’s f***ing stupid. Would you ask the kids of that teacher who blew up in space if they want to be an astronaut?
Firefighter Morales: Woh, I don’t think that lady had any kids though.
Scott: Yeah, I’m sure she didn’t, because she died in space. It’s hard to have kids when you’re dead in space.
[to Ray and his firefighter buddies]
Scott: Okay, how about this? If you’re a fireman, just don’t have kids, or a family at all, okay? So that way, you don’t f***ing crush them when you don’t come home that one time, you know? And you’re just so selfish. You just hang out with your boys all day, like it’s a f***ing frat house. Half the time, you’re not even putting out fires. You’re just j**king off, watching Scarface, okay?
[after Margie has asked to move out]
Margie: Well, you are so awesome. And I think I’ve been there for you too much. Because sometimes in life, the thing that’s motivating is when people don’t have that safety net.
Scott: Right, right. But I need that safety net, because I don’t have my s**t together. So like, why are you doing this? Is this because of him?
Margie: It’s just you’re twenty-four years-old now.
Ray: Twenty-four. I mean, Phelps had a fistful of gold medals by twenty-four.
Scott: Why are you talking?
Ray: I’m just giving you some perspective, that’s all.
Margie: You’re going to have to pull your weight a little more around here. And one thing that we thought would help you contribute, would be easy, wouldn’t be hard to do, is to help Ray bring his kids back and forth to school when he can’t do it because of work.
Ray: Like now. Like today.
Scott: You’re joking, right? You want me to take your kid to school? The kid that I tattooed?
Scott: You’re going to make me babysit your kids? I do drugs.
Ray: Well, looks like you’re walking.
[as Scott is picking up Ray’s kids from his ex-wife, Gina’s house]
Gina: Are you a weirdo?
Scott: Oh, the weirdest. Nobody’s weirder than me.
Gina: See, a weirdo wouldn’t say that. A weirdo would deny it.
Scott: So, do I have to take them or…?
Scott: God, no.
[as Scott is walking Ray’s kids to school]
Scott: So, what do you like to do, Harold?
Harold: I like superheroes.
Scott: Well, so does everybody.
Harold: No, I make up my own.
Scott: Oh, yeah? What kind?
Harold: Ice Flash.
Scott: What does he do?
Harold: He freezes stuff and shoots ice at people.
Scott: Oh, well, that’s not going to work.
Harold: Why not?
Scott: I could just use a hair dryer and ruin him. Keep thinking, though.
[as they arrive at Harold’s school]
Scott: Anyway, have a great day at school. I hope it’s not s**tty. And, yeah, give your sister a kiss goodbye.
Harold: We don’t do that.
Scott: Just do it.
[Harold kisses Kelly on her forehead]
Scott: See? Wasn’t that nice? Now, if she dies tomorrow, you’ll remember that, that you kissed her goodbye. Have a good day at school.
[after taking Kelly to kindergarten]
Teacher: Do you know him?
Scott: Yeah, kind of. He’s a new friend.
[the teacher looks suspiciously at Scott]
Scott: Oh, I trained her in the car. She’s not going to break. I’m just kidding. I’m not going to hurt her.
[as Scott is trying to get a job at a tattoo shop]
Scott: So, how much will I be like making here?
Tattoo Shop Owner: D**k.
Scott: D**k. Okay, well.
Tattoo Shop Owner: It’s a long line of people who want this job, man.
Scott: How do I like pay my rent?
Tattoo Shop Owner: That one right there is not my problem. It’s your first day, you’re already complaining.
[Kelsey’s on a date]
Kelsey’s Tinder Date: I got to be honest, Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture. You’re kind of thicker, more robust.
Kelsey: Oh, thank you. It’s a compliment. You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas, if I squint really hard.
Kelsey’s Tinder Date: Oh, please squint all night long. That’s great.
[after Kelsey walks off in anger when Scott is trying to serve her and her date]
Waitress at Denino’s: Bro, did you scare off another customer? What’s wrong with you?
[Scott goes after Kelsey]
Waitress at Denino’s: I’m so sorry about that. He has like nepotism, you know?
Kelsey’s Tinder Date: Is that a disease?
Waitress at Denino’s: Yeah, it’s a bad one.
Kelsey: I brought that guy here to make you jealous. You could give a f***. You don’t seem jealous or upset at all.
Scott: I do care. Of course I care!
Kelsey: I chose the hottest guy on Tinder. Look at me. Look at me. Look at my tits! There is literally the Eiffel Tower, it’s holding them up in here.
Kelsey: [crying] You look awful.
Scott: What? What do you mean? What are you…
Kelsey: Your skin looks see-through, and the circles around your eyes are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.
Scott: I know. I know I do.
Kelsey: I don’t know. You always look sick and pale, like you have a disease, but you don’t know it yet. But you literally look like if I touched you, you’d just turn to dust.
Scott: I’m sorry. I’m not doing very well. I’m not, you know.
[Kelsey starts to leave the restaurant]
Scott: Well, what do I tell your date?
Kelsey: I don’t know. Tell him to f*** off. I met him ten minutes ago. He’s a DJ.
[as Scott is walking him to school]
Harold: Why do you not think ice is a good superpower? It’s amazing. I mean, Ice Flash can do anything with his ice. And it’s indestructible, because it’s superhero ice. He can make giant shields that reflect anything. He can make giant ice tanks, giant ice planes, and giant jets, helicopters that shoot giant missiles. I mean, think of all the possibilities.
Scott: That’s actually kind of cool.
[referring to Harold’s made-up superhero]
Scott: What color is his shield?
Harold: It’s, well, the color of ice.
Scott: Well, what’s the color of ice? Is it like see-through? Like light blue ice? Or is it like…?
Harold: It’s blue ice, because it’s like superhero ice, and it’s cool.
[as Oscar planning for them to rob a store]
Oscar: We’re going to do this one time. Get the money to seed our dreams. Get that venture capital. Open that tattoo restaurant you wanted.
Igor: It’s not that big a deal. Jay-Z did it. He sold crack to fund his rap career.
Scott: Aren’t most of Jay-Z’s friends like dead, or in jail?
Richie: Yeah, but we’re Jay-Z in this situation. We’re not Jay-Z’s friends.
Scott: We can’t all be Jay-Z! There can’t be four Jay-Zs. That doesn’t make any sense.
[after Scott refuses to be their lookout]
Oscar: What about the time when you thought you had testicular cancer?
Scott: Here we go. Knew this was going to come up.
Oscar: Alright? And then I drive over, and you make me touch your nuts.
Scott: I would’ve done it for you, bro. You’re like, “Hey, yoh, there’s something wrong with my a**.” I’d be like, “Yoh, bend over.”
[as they’re having a family dinner with Claire and her friend; referring to Stomp]
Joanne: Yeah, it’s like that show where people play the drums on like garbage cans, and like tap with broomsticks.
Ray: Stuff around the house.
Ray: Like you just see a toaster, we make an English muffin. They see a whole song. It’s incredible.
Scott: I know a homeless guy that plays trash can lids on the subway, for a dollar. And then he took a s**t on the platform.
Ray: Oh. Well, you know.
Scott: I don’t know if he’s going to get a Tony for that, but…
Ray: Maybe if they keep practicing and get an adult diaper, they can get to Broadway someday.
[after Claire takes him to a college party]
College Girl: What’s your major?
Scott: It’s evolutionary sociology, with a splash of bio.
College Girl: Oh. I didn’t know you could do that.
Scott: Yeah, you can do whatever the f*** you want. It’s college.
[after enjoying the college party with Claire, she suggests for him to go to college]
Scott: Don’t you have to graduate high school to go to college?
Claire: Yeah, but it’s not like too late to do that.
Scott: Alright, even so, you know, I’m a little too old. I’d look like a narc, you know? I would look creepy in the corner. Everybody would be like, “What’s that guy doing here?”
Claire: Everybody here is so old.
Scott: Well, if you knew something was bad before it even started, wouldn’t you stop it if you had the chance? It’s like that whole baby Hitler thing, you know? If you had the chance to kill baby Hitler before it grew up, wouldn’t you do it? Wouldn’t you strangle it until its eyes popped out?
Claire: So, Ray’s baby Hitler?
Scott: Yeah. In this situation, he is, yeah. He’s baby Hitler. So, do you want to help me kill baby Hitler?
Claire: Okay. You’re right, Scott. You’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.
[referring to Scott]
Margie: What do you think about his tattoo restaurant idea?
Ray: I think it’s terrible. Getting a tattoo is like, it’s a medical procedure. You don’t want to go to the hospital and order supper, you know?
[as he’s playing around on his phone and making himself look like a woman]
Scott: Well, who’s the pretty lady? Hello, Angelina Jolie.
[after Oscar, Igor and Richie get arrested during their robbery, Scott runs off and calls Claire]
Claire: Why would you rob a pharmacy?
Scott: I wasn’t robbing a pharmacy, okay? I was the lookout, for your information.
Claire: The lookout is also committing a crime. Are you f***ing crazy?
Scott: Look, it’s all Ray’s fault, okay? He’s trying to kick me out. So I panicked, and made a bad decision, okay? I’m only human!
Claire: A bad decision? That’s a felony.
[referring to Ray]
Gina: He lost all our money gambling. He is homeless, he’s penniless, and he’s a deadbeat dad. What is your mom doing with him?
Scott: You know, my mom hasn’t gotten laid in seventeen years, so I think her bar is pretty low.
Gina: Really? Yeah. He’s good in bed, I hate to say it.
Scott: Alright. Well, I didn’t really need to know that.
Gina: Yeah. He’s got a beautiful c**k. I mean, it’s his only attribute. That big thick c**k kept me in it for eight years longer than I should have stayed. It’s a fact.
[after Ray throws Scott into the pool during their fight]
Scott: I’m going to tell my mom you tried to drown me!
Ray: In an above ground pool?! You’re like f***ing eight feet tall.
[as Margie catches them fighting in her backyard]
Scott: He’s an animal. He picked me up and he threw me in the pool. Alright? He has to go.
Margie: No, I need you to go. Now!
Scott: What? Why me? He the one who started it.
Ray: Yeah, that’s right. Get the hell out of here. And get a job and a life while you’re at it. Your freeloading days are over.
Margie: You, too. Get going.
Ray: Wait, what did I do?
Margie: You put your hands on my son! You’re not respecting my family! You’re an animal!
Margie: [to Ray] Do you ever shut up? Do you ever just shut the f*** up? You just talk, and you talk, and you talk, and you don’t know what you’re saying. It makes no sense. It’s like you picked up all these little pieces of information from all over. They don’t make any sense. They’re fragments. No sense. Nonsense.
Ray: I’m not talking.
Margie: I’ve had it up to here. I’m done. Both of you, get your s**t out of here.
[after Margie throws them both out]
Scott: Well, where do we go now?
Ray: What are you asking me for? You created this whole mess, you f***ing schmuck.
[after Scott visits Oscar in prison]
Oscar: And you know what? I need you to do me a favor.
Scott: Anything, bro. Just ask.
Oscar: You got to feed my cat, alright? For the next three to five months.
Scott: Is there anything else I could do? Because I’m kind of allergic to cats.
Oscar: You better look out for Sprinkles. Because I’m looking out for you, alright?
Scott: You got it.
Oscar: And, listen, man. I need you to spend time with Sprinkles. I don’t want you just going in there, feeding him and running out. You got to go in there, scratch his belly. You tell him I miss him, and I’ll see him soon.
[after Scott can’t find anyone to stay with he goes Kelsey and sleeps with her]
Kelsey: Did you just f*** me for shelter?
Scott: No, I didn’t f*** you for shelter. I didn’t do anything. What? I didn’t. I just need a place to stay.
Kelsey: Oh, God.
Kelsey: [to Scott] I’m not going to let myself be upset by you, but I’m going to tell you something. You make me feel so crazy. I’m not going to let myself be crazy now, but you make me feel crazy! You are so crazy that you make everyone around you feel f***ing crazy. The people meet you, and they’re normal people, and then they hang out with you, and then they’re f***ing Jack Nicholson in The Shining or something!
Kelsey: Get out.
Scott: Well, I don’t have anywhere to go.
Kelsey: It’s not my problem anymore. Thank you for the sex. It was wonderful, until you started talking. You got to go.
Scott: Could I sleep in your brother’s room?
Scott: But he has bunk beds.
Kelsey: He’s fourteen years-old.
[after Scott goes to Ray’s firehouse to apologize]
Ray: By the way, I’m not a gambler, okay? I day trade.
Scott: I don’t know the difference.
Ray: You should’ve found out before you shot your mouth off. I know you smoke a lot of weed, but you’re not dumb. You knew what the f*** you were doing. You went to the person that hates me the most to get the worst review you could possibly get. Why didn’t you come down here and ask these guys what they thought of me? Did you ever think of doing that?
Scott: I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re right.
Ray: You’re not sorry, or you wouldn’t have done it. So now what? Now you don’t have a place to stay? So now you come down here with your little puppy dog look on your face, and I’m supposed to feel bad?
Scott: Look, all I know is, if you’re not nice to me, then my mom will hate you forever, and she’ll never forgive you.
Ray: Really? You’re going to play that card?
Scott: It’s a, it’s a pretty good card. It’s all I got.
[after Ray let’s him stay at the firehouse]
Scott: Hey, I can’t sleep. I never go to sleep this early.
Ray: Oh. Well, you know what you should do? You should shut the f*** up. Go to sleep.
Ray: Can’t go to sleep. Why don’t you dip your weed in NyQuil, you f***ing drug addict?
[as the firehouse alarm goes off and the firefighters get up to leave]
Scott: Hey, what do I do?
Ray: Do what you always do. Sit there and do nothing.
Scott: Hey, where do you go to the bathroom around here?
Firefighter Thompson: Well, number one, down there. Number two, Dunkin’ Donuts across the street.
[after Papa agrees that Scott can stay at the firehouse]
Scott: Did you just, did you just make me a fireman?
Papa: No. Go clean the toilets, or get the f*** out. Did I make you a…
Firefighter Rivera: Hey, do me a favor. The bathroom downstairs, I used it. You could start there.
Firefighter Lockwood: Get gloves. It’s pretty muddy.
Firefighter Thompson: [to Scott] When you have bedbugs, everybody leaves. My parents stopped calling. My brothers and sisters stopped coming over. My girl left. Everybody’s gone. And you know who’s there for you at the end? Ironically, the bedbugs.
[as he’s washing the fire truck]
Scott: Why do we have to clean this thing anyway? It’s just going to get fire on it. You think the people that are burning alive give a f*** if the truck is shiny? Just saying. I don’t even know why you got to clean the truck. What, you’re trying to show up all sexy to a fire?
Papa: [to Ray] I like him.
Scott: I really understand where you were coming from before, you know, when you threw me out. I think I really got my s**t together now, and I’m ready to like come back.
Margie: [laughs] Okay. So like you think you know what hard work is?
Scott: Well, I wouldn’t say that. But, you know, I definitely have an idea.
Margie: You mopped a floor, and you cooked. You cleaned a bathroom once. Oh. Oh, Scott.
And how’s your shoulder feel after all that very hard work?
Scott: Oh, you’re making fun of me. Why are you making fun? I worked really hard. I did. Ask Ray.
Joy: He’s trying to get back.
Scott: Eat a d**k, Joy.
Joy: Had one for breakfast. I’m full.
[after Scott joins the firefighters on a job and watches Ray work]
Firefighter Lockwood: You know, everyone gets nervous during their first fire. You know, when I was a probie, I was so scared, I would follow my captain everywhere, just hold on to his jacket. You know, follow him around, hold on for dear life.
Papa: No, but, you know, everybody gets a little scared. I mean, you know, it keeps you honest. You know? No, if you don’t get scared, there’s something wrong with you.
[referring to his father]
Scott: You don’t understand. My mom tells me all these stories about how much he’s like a saint and all that s**t. Like I would love to hear a coke story. Please.
Ray: The PG-13 version.
Scott: No, you don’t. No, the real version. You don’t understand the amount of pressure I’m under, thinking this guy’s perfect.
[pointing to Papa]
Ray: This guy was the cokehead. You were the cokehead.
Papa: Alright. I stopped four years ago. You know that.
Ray: What are you talk… How do you think he stayed this skinny all these years?
Papa: No, I have a high metabolism.
Ray: They should have his face on a nickel in Bolivia.
[after sharing a story about how Scott’s dad was brave and heroic]
Papa: He would slap the s**t out of me if he heard me say this about him, but he was a hero. And heroes are necessary. And they should be allowed to have families, alright? But I know it means, you know, that people suffer. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Scott: Well, but I’m sorry for being a d**k. There’s two sides to every story.
Scott: Thank you for sharing with me. Thanks for taking me here.
Papa: Alright, we don’t have to get all Oprah.
[after Ray offers for Scott to tattoo on him]
Ray: Put it on my back. Yeah, use it for practice.
Scott: Well, you’re just saying this because you’re drunk, right?
Ray: Isn’t everybody drunk when they get their first tattoo?
Scott: Touché, Ray.
[referring to Ray offering Scott to tattoo his back]
Scott: You must really love me. I love you too.
Ray: I appreciate that, but I’m not ready…
Scott: You going to say it back?
Ray: I’m not ready to say something like that.
Scott: You got to say it back. What if I die tomorrow?
Ray: Then I’ll be that guy saying, “You know, even though I never said it…”
[they both laugh]
[as Scott is tattooing his back]
Ray: Dude, why do you get these?
Scott: Um, I don’t know. Whenever I’m going through something, I just, you know, I get one. It relaxes me and calms me down. Helps me like think things through, you know.
Ray: This relaxes you?
Ray: You ever think of taking like a yoga class? Meditating? Why don’t you just give blood? There’s still needles involved.
[as Scott is tattooing Ray’s back]
Ray: Is it supposed to hurt that much?
Scott: It’s a needle going into your back. Yeah.
Ray: I know, but I thought I had more back fat than that.
[after a wounded man comes by the firehouse when everyone is out on a job]
Scott: What happened? Are you okay? Did you get shot? Were you stabbed?
Wounded Man: It’s not really a big deal. My vape exploded in my pocket. Just, I didn’t stretch right before yoga. I was playing tennis. I slipped.
Scott: Well, which one is it?
Wounded Man: What do you want me to say? It was nothing. I just need some medical attention, but just by you.
Wounded Man: We don’t need to get the government involved into this situation. We can handle this together.
Scott: Dude, I’m so high. I can’t help you right now.
Wounded Man: I’m high too. Well, then you know how I feel.
[after Scott takes the wounded man to the hospital]
Scott: This guy’s been either shot or stabbed. I don’t know. He’s been kind of vague about it.
Admissions Nurse in ER: Sir, have you been shot? Stabbed?
Wounded Man: No. I fell in a thorn bush.
Admissions Nurse in ER: Okay. Have him fill out this paperwork, and the doctor will call you when he’s ready.
[as they’re waiting to be seen by a doctor]
Wounded Man: Do me a favor, man. Can we just switch identities?
Scott: What? No.
Wounded Man: Just let me use your driver’s license.
Scott: We look nothing alike, dude.
Wounded Man: No one’s going to know. Just trust me.
Wounded Man: Tell that f***ing c**ksucker, my father, that I hate him, and I love him at the same time, and I forgive him.
Scott: I do not need to do that, because you’re going to live.
Wounded Man: Tell my sister I know she’s my mother.
[after Ray helps Scott at the hospital and Margie sees the tattoos on Ray’s back]
Margie: Thank you for letting him do this, Ray.
Ray: Oh, I didn’t do anything. I just sat there. He did all the work. You liked going over the spine, didn’t you?
Scott: Took it like a champ.
Ray: I sat there wincing.
[Margie then kisses Ray]
Scott: Oh, my God. Can we at least close the curtain?
[as Margie is making them all hug]
Scott: Mom, I don’t want to hug him. He’s not wearing a shirt.
Ray: Come on, you can handle it.
Scott: Ah, dude, you’re so smooth. You’re like a sea otter.
[after Margie let’s Scott move back home; referring to his dad being out of control]
Scott: Why didn’t you just tell me?
Margie: I don’t know. I just, I wanted you to have some good memories to offset what happened. I didn’t know what to say. Was I going to say, “Your dad really loved watching cartoons with you because he was tripping all the time”?
Scott: Yeah. Sounds like a good dad to me.
[referring to his dad]
Scott: Knowing that he had his issues, and problems, just like everybody else, it makes me feel better. It really humanizes him.
Margie: Well, he was a great guy. He was a very complicated guy. He had a really big heart.
Scott: Like Ray?
Margie: Yeah, I guess. Like Ray, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Scott: I guess you could say that you have a type.
Margie: Uh-huh. Yeah. I have a type.
Scott: [to Margie] I really like Ray, but I, he’s got to lose that mustache. I mean, come on. When we go out in public, people think that I’m kidnapped, you know? The looks that we get at the supermarket. They’re like, people look at me like, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah. No, yeah. It’s my mom’s boyfriend.”
[as Scott is helping Kelsey prepare for her civil service exam]
Kelsey: You have to prove that you’re not stupid, and then you can work for the city.
Scott: Oh. Oh. So I can never work for the city.
Scott: [to Kelsey] I love you. A lot. I always have. And that’s why I always act so weird. Because I don’t know how to express myself.
[last lines; referring to her civil service exam]
Kelsey: Hey, will you wait for me while I do it, and then we can go back to Staten Island together?
Scott: Yeah. Of course. How long are you going to be?
Kelsey: Three and a half hours.
Scott: Yeah, I’ll go figure something out.
Scott: Alright. Cool. Good luck.
[she turns and starts walking towards the building]
Kelsey: Maybe do something cultural. Like broaden your horizons.
Scott: Alright. Good luck. Have fun.
Kelsey: Oh, my God, I’m freaking out! I’m scared.