The Sitter Quotes(Page 2)
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[counting the money he’d stolen from the Bat Mitzvah party]
Noah Griffith: Three thousand bucks.
Blithe: Is that good?
Noah Griffith: No, it’s not! We need seven thousand more and it’s almost eleven o’clock.
Blithe: Hey Noah, I have an idea. How about you start your own signature fragrance?
Noah Griffith: That’s a great idea! I’ll just alert my team of scientists, have them invent a new perfume. We’ll starting selling it and we’ll have seven grand in the next forty five minutes!
Blithe: I’m just trying to help! All I know is that I’m gonna be a famous celebrity, who designs on the side, and I’m gonna be rich.
Noah Griffith: What the hell are you talking about? You do know that just being a celebrity and having a good time is not a real job, right?
Blithe: Yeah, it is! Being a famous celebrity is the greatest thing in the world. I mean, people take your picture and you could have Birthday parties at the coolest clubs and dance on tables.
Noah Griffith: Even for a small child, you sound like an idiot.
[Noah meets Karl and Julio at Wing’s Fish Market to hand over the cash he’s raised]
Julio: My man, you got three thousand dollars here. You are short seven thousand dollars!
Noah Griffith: Okay, I have uh…I have checks.
Karl: Are you kidding me?
Noah Griffith: Checks. Yes.
Karl: Checks! What’s the matter with you?
[reading the name on one of the checks]
Julio: Who the fuck is Wendy Sapperstein?
Noah Griffith: The Sapperstein’s are uh…loaded. So they’re not gonna miss the money at all. So you can sign the checks over to yourself.
Julio: Sign the checks over?
Noah Griffith: Yeah, so if you sign the checks over to yourself.
Karl: Hug me tight.
[Noah goes into Karl’s arms and Karl whispers in his ear]
Karl: It’s okay, it’s our little secret. Okay, I want you to think about something. Garv was my third best friend in the world and I shot him in the feet for being a bad listener.
[he takes Noah’s face in his hand]
Karl: You’re my eighth best friend in the world and you stole from me. From my home! You’re gonna meet me at that party at midnight. And if you don’t get my seven grand, let’s just say it’s gonna be bad. Real fucking bad! Now get out of here!
[smiles at Noah]
Karl: Stop staring at me with those gorgeous eyes.
[Noah goes to his father’s house where his new wife answers the door]
Bethany: Noah! What are you doing here?
Noah Griffith: I’m uh…babysitting these children. Looks like we finally have something in common, right?
Bethany: I’m not your babysitter anymore, Noah.
Noah Griffith: Oh, you’re not! That’s right. Because you fucked my dad while he was still married to mom and ruined my life. I forgot! Is he home by the way?
Jim Griffith: There is no way in hell I’m giving you seven grand, so.
Noah Griffith: Dad, you screwed mom and I out of child support and alimony. Just…just do this one thing, we’ll call it even. Alright?
Jim Griffith: You know, I have to say it is always some justification with you. You are never gonna grow up with that attitude.
Noah Griffith: Okay. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Okay? Don’t pretend like you care how I turn out. Let’s be very very straightforward with one another. Okay? I’m in a jam, okay? That’s why I’m here, because I need your help. And I’m sorry. I just need you to be my dad for a day, that’s it.
Jim Griffith: And I’m sorry, I can’t help you. You know what, pal? It’s not my problem. I mean, it’s really not my problem.
Noah Griffith: Okay.
[as they are driving away in his father’s car after Noah stole the keys from his house]
Blithe: Was that woman at the door your babysitter?
Noah Griffith: She was, until I found out my tipping her extra when he’d drive her home at night.
[as Noah is stealing some diamonds from his father’s Diamond store]
Blithe: Can I tell you my gossip now?
Noah Griffith: Shit! Yeah, Blithe. Look, not now. I think we should go, okay? Let’s go. We gotta go.
Blithe: I saw my daddy kissing his assistant, Debra. That’s why he always stays late at the hospital, cause he spends all night kissing Debra. My mom knows. She pretends like she doesn’t know, but she knows.
Noah Griffith: That’s not gossip, Blithe. You know that, right?
Noah Griffith: Sometimes people do messed up stuff to each other, okay?
Noah Griffith: One time I was walking down the street, punched my best friend, Darius, in the nutsack for no reason. Just both…both fists, just double punched him.
Blithe: Why would you do that?
Noah Griffith: I don’t know.
Blithe: You’re an idiot.
Noah Griffith: That’s probably true, I am an idiot. And so is your dad. Come on.
[in the car, everyone yells at Rodrigo for exploded the bathroom in the diamond store with a cherry bomb]
Noah Griffith: You can’t just go around blowing up bathrooms, it’s not cool! Why can’t you be more like your brother and sister. They’re at least half crazy, you’re full on nuts!
They are not my brother and sister! They are nothing to me! They are not my family
[pointing to Blithe]
Rodrigo: She does nothing all day but paint her face like a puta. She is a puta!
[referring to Slater]
Rodrigo: And this one is sick in the head. He goes to the head doctor four times a week.
Noah Griffith: Hey, stop acting crazy! Okay?
Rodrigo: He is the crazy one. He loco! He muy loco!
Noah Griffith: Relax!
Slater: Shut up!
Rodrigo: You shut up, with your stupid fanny pack! I take your fanny pack.
Slater: No! No! No! I need that!
[Rodrigo grabs Slater’s fanny pack and throws it out of the car window]
[as Slater is looking for his fanny pack]
Slater: I need those pills, okay? I need them!
Noah Griffith: No, you don’t.
Slater: Yes, I do! Okay, I have serious issues!
Noah Griffith: You don’t have serious issues.
Slater: Yes, I do! Those pills are the only thing that keep me normal and I need them!
Noah Griffith: I can’t do this.
Noah Griffith: Slater, you’re gay. Alright?
Slater: What the fuck are you talking about?
Noah Griffith: Nothing. Never mind. Never mind.
Slater: Take that back! Take it back, Noah!
Noah Griffith: You’re gay. Alright? You’re as queer as a football bat and that’s fine. And if your therapist hasn’t clued you into that by now, I think you should ask for your money back, pal. Did you ever think the reason you’re so upset you’re buddy Clayton doesn’t wanna hang out anymore is because you have a lot of special feelings for him that maybe he doesn’t feel back? It breaks your heart, man. And that breaks my heart cause I know what that feels like. I feel it all the time.
Slater: I don’t wanna be gay! I’m not gay!
Noah Griffith: Tough.
Slater: I don’t wanna be a faggot!
Noah Griffith: Hey, do not say shit like that! Do you understand me?
Slater: This is the worst night of my life.
Noah Griffith: Alright, high school is gonna suck. Coming out to your parents, it’s not gonna be a picnic either. But trust me when I tell you that when you get to college nobody will care. And then when you graduate college you’ll get an awesome job in the entertainment industry, you’ll be super organized and dress really well, you’ll smell good.
Slater: Smell good? What…what are you talking about, Noah?
Noah Griffith: Relax. Listen to me. My dad hates me. Alright? I got kicked out of college. Before tonight, this babysitting thing, I’ve only ever had one job and I was a life guard. I got fired after four day cause I kept falling asleep in the sun. I’m a constant disappointment to my mom, who’s the only decent person in my life. I ‘ve been arrested numerous times, I had a month long intense addiction to Robitussin. There’s only one freak out here. You’re looking at him. I’ve never had a gay thought in my life, so what does that tell you?
It tells me you’re pretty messed up.
Noah Griffith: I have seen Devil Wears Prada about nineteen times, but that’s because it’s a good movie. It’s a good flick. Devil Wears P, have you ever seen it? D Wears P?
Slater: I think like once, I don’t really remember it though.
Noah Griffith: Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re normal. Just super gay.
[Noah laughs making Slater smile]
Slater: You’re a dick.
Noah Griffith: Yes, that’s true. Enough with the pills, alright?
Slater: Alright. You know, deep down, I think I always kind of knew. But don’t tell anybody yet, okay?
Noah Griffith: I won’t. I won’t. What do you think I am? An asshole?
Slater: Yeah, sort of.
Noah Griffith: Come on, Ricky Martin. Let’s get out of here.
[outside a night club after tracking down their car that was stolen]
Blithe: This is my kind of club.
Slater: You know, let’s just go home.
Noah Griffith: No! I have a half hour to get to this party, pay off Karl, pick my girlfriend off the floor, get you kids home and be home in time for my mom to tell me how awesome her night was. I’m not gonna let some bullshit car thief fuck this up for me.
[as Noah and the kids walk into the club]
Soul Baby: You know this ain’t no place for no kids.
Noah Griffith: These aren’t kids, these are little people.
[pointing to Blithe]
Noah Griffith: This woman is forty eight years old. Her children have children.
Blithe: Hi! I’m a grandma.
Noah Griffith: What’s your name, baby?
Soul Baby: They call me Soul. Soul Baby.
Noah Griffith: Soul Baby?
Soul Baby: Yeah.
Noah Griffith: Keep it in control, baby.
Soul Baby: I hear you, baby.
Noah Griffith: My name is Noah Jaybird.
Soul Baby: Noah Jaybird?
[makes his hands into a bird flying]
Noah Griffith: Ka-kaah!
Soul Baby: Ah, you like to fly?
Noah Griffith: I fly, baby.
Soul Baby: Fly, fly, fly away, baby.
Noah Griffith: In the clouds, no grounds.
Soul Baby: Alright. Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Noah Griffith: Tears no fears, man.
Soul Baby: Is that right?
Noah Griffith: Respect it, don’t neglect it.
Soul Baby: Alright! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby. My brother.
[he shakes hands with Noah]
Noah Griffith: Treat it don’t beat ’em.
[Noah walks away from him]
Soul Baby: Alright, baby. You’re a bad ass motherfucker.
[Seeing Tina Noah figures out that it was her who stole the minivan and confronts her]
Noah Griffith: Alright, you’re gonna listen to me. Okay? You were right. I threw up in your grandmother’s ashes.
Tina: Hell, yeah! You did!
Noah Griffith: It was an accident.
Tina: Buck up.
Noah Griffith: I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been stuck babysitting these three kids. I was talked into buying cocaine for my girlfriend, who I realized is not even girlfriend! She’s just a girl who occasionally lets me stick my face in her crotch, and who’s mean to me all the time. Okay? And this time, making her happy is probably gonna get me killed. You’re acting all gangster, stealing cars, hanging out with thugs. You know what? A few years ago we went to the same lame ass high school. The point is, you and I are two fucked up kids meeting on the playground. And I came here for my motherfucking keys to my motherfucking minivan, and that’s what’s up!
Tina: I ain’t giving you shit.
Noah Griffith: It’s not a threat. I’m gonna put both my hands behind my back. You get one punch to my face as hard as you want.
Tina: I could punch you in the face?
Noah Griffith: No, you deserve to punch me in the face.
Jacolby: Go on, baby. Punch him in the face.
[closing his eyes and whispering]
Noah Griffith: My face is ready to receive you
[just then Roxanne shouts to him]
Roxanne: Noah, don’t!
[surprised, Noah turns opens his eyes and turns his face towards Roxanne]
Noah Griffith: What?
[at the same moment Tina punches him hard in the face]
[as Tina gives back the keys of the minivan to Noah]
Tina: Guess you ain’t the little pussy you used to be, huh, Noah?
Noah Griffith: No. I’m a whole different pussy now.
Tina: Alright, boy. Respect.
[they shake and hold hands]
Noah Griffith: Unlock it. What’s inside? Oh, shit. It’s a bomb
[Noah pretends to unlock Tina’s hand, opens her hand up and then makes a noise like debris is falling on her]
Tina: Hell, yeah! Feel that.
Noah Griffith: Let that debris fall across your face.
Jacolby: Look here, little homey. I like your style, you there?
Noah Griffith: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jacolby: You stand up for yours and I can respect that. If we ever need a crazy assed white boy to roll with us one day, and get punched in the face by motherfuckers, I’ll call you.
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