By Cameron


If your movie is a hit with young girls, mid-aged women, fans of the books and to no one else. If you’ve a movie sequel that grossed 26.3 million dollars just at the midnight screening then to be later over thrown by its sequel. If you were the owner of this gold mine would you make as many of these as you possibly can?

Pre-Review: If you haven’t read my review on Twilight I recommend it because I don’t feel the need to repeat myself twice. (Link here Anyway in my Twilight review I mentioned it wasn’t a fun time at all and I would rather watch any of the other movies that came out that year like that bad James Bond movie Quantum of the Solace or the boring superhero movie called The Incredible Hulk or even that brightly, colourful obnoxiously happy musical known as Mamma Mia. Any of those movies would do over that terrible romance between the main characters in Twilight. So one year later and they released a sequel with the same name but with another title next to it so you know it’s not the same movie. So here’s my thoughts on said sequel.

The Plot of Said Sequel: Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has turned 18 and wants her boyfriend Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) to turn her into a vampire. But he says no and ends their relationship and then his whole family disappears and Bella is left alone for months on end. Bella can’t live being by herself so she seeks comfort in her old friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). They get together and Bella dives deeper into the Vampire lore and Werewolf lore.

The Things I Liked of Said Sequel: This movie was as enjoyable to watch as the first movie but this one I can say there are somethings that I can say that are good I guess. Firstly the whiteness problem I had with the first movie is gone. It still looks kind of ugly in some places. But I could see an improvement which I’m very grateful for. When the characters went to Rome or Vampire Italy I liked the change of scenery from the boring woods. And I guess the guy that who plays Bella’s dad was decent, and Edward’s sister Twilight’s Troi looked like she was very into her role and I guess it’s nice to stare at Jacob’s shirtless body. That’s not a pro it’s just a …um? That’s about it with things I liked.

The Things I Didn’t Like of Said Sequel: Everything else. Everything that’s wrong with that first movie is still there in this one. I’m not going to go through all of them again for the sake of time but I will mention what this movie did worse than the last one. (Yeah, I know Twilight did something better than another movie.) First off the story is less interesting than the other one. Bella just sulks a lot and the only way she can get over that if shirtless hot men carry her around. The action scenes I think have gotten worse especially when the Werewolves are involved and those flashbacks! I forgot to mention them in my first review. But they’re much worse here. Whenever they reference the first movie they show a poorly edited flashback and a bunch of dream sequences with Bella having seizures. It happens like five or six times in the movie and it’s like We Get It!

The Worst Character in Existence, Hot Goth Vampire & Scrawny to Ripped in less than Two Movies: After watching this movie I’m convinced hands down that Bella is the worst main character I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t do anything but be escorted by different characters throughout the movie. The only times she does anything by herself is when she wants to kill herself and then gets one of her dumb boyfriends to rescue her. Bella is more machine than ever and she always has that same dumb stare and is it just me or has Kristen Stewart has stopped caring about her performance all together.

Edward is still boring. Before seeing this movie I saw a trailer of Remember Me with Robert Pattinson and it made me wish I was watching that instead. Jacob is just a lot stupider version of Bella and I’m convinced in his contract he was required to do 75% of the movie without a shirt. But the thing that annoys me the most about these two constantly change how they feel in an instant they go I love you and I can’t be with you. It’s annoying Stop Doing It! It’s as annoying as being vague a lot. I watched 6 seasons of Lost full of vagueness and it’s just as annoying in that show as it is in that show.

Vampires & Werewolves Don’t Make Any Sense: So the Cullen’s decide to leave their home because the old thirty year old Vampire is no longer looking his age so they have to leave. Can’t he get another job in a more remote location that’s near the town? Like a farmer or a marine biologist or an author. Or just change your hair a bit so you don’t need to leave. Also Edward can’t be with Bella because he’s too dangerous and has leave because of his feelings for her. Okay if this is the late 2000’s don’t you have Skype or mobile phones or Facebook or something to stay in contact? Or just call her on the home phone so she doesn’t try to kill herself and you have to keep sending Ghost Edward to deal with it. (Seriously what’s up with that ghost thing?) And isn’t leaving her putting her in more danger? You know there’s a Vampire out there to get her and abandoning her by herself sounds like a good way to give her the upper hand.

So we later find out Jacob is a part of wolf pack that is full of shirtless guys in swimming trunks. So we how people become Vampires but how do you become a Werewolf? Jacob said he was born with it. Okay so if that’s how you become one then they all should be related (But they’re not) and should only be like 20 or 30 Werewolves in the world. We are reminded in a flashback that the Cullen’s and shirtless Bros have a treaty. Okay we know Werewolves are faster but Vampires are immortal and the werewolves have only one female on their team so to resolve this Vampire just need to wait like 70 years and the werewolves will all be dead and they’ll own the whole land.

At the end of the movie Bella goes to Vampire Italy or whatever it’s called and she meets The Vampire Goth Lords and they want to kill her because she’s a human and she’s special or something. So The Cullen’s agree they’ll turn Bella into a vampire or the Vampire Goth Lords will eat her or something. Even after that boring voting scene Edward still doesn’t want to turn his precious Coke into a vampire and Jacob says the truce will be over if a Cullen kills a human. But he doesn’t mind if they do break the truce because he’s fine with the rules been broken when the plot calls for it. Whatever it ends on a real stinger with Edward asking Bella to marry him, even though she’s 18 and he’s 3 million years old or whatever it’s over now! Go home and watch Mamma Mia and become a Dancing Queen with bad Meryl Streep and Pierce Bronson singing. Yay!

Final Thoughts: Twilight’s New Moon is still a bad movie with bad performances, bad CGI, bad action scenes, annoying flashback/dream sequences, confusing character motivations, and one stupid main character we got another movie where most young girls, women and fans will see it no matter what and the rest of us wonder why these movies keep coming out but I think I know. If your movie features a young girl who can’t think for herself, has boring hot guys and has the words Vampire or Twilight in the title and your movie will be a massive success. In the end it’s a 3/10 abs on Jacob’s body. Avoid it as much as vampires avoid the sunlight at Vampire Italy.

Those are my thoughts on Twilight: New Moon if you agree or disagree please let me know in the comments. If you can share it with your loved ones and if you haven’t notice I’m a huge fan of movies and I’m willing to suffer for my audience (If I have any) so let me know on what I should review next.

Thanks for reading this review and I’ll see you again in the next review.

Rating: 2/5



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