By Craig Singleton (Wigan, England)


It wasn’t a giant meteor that killed the dinosaurs, it was transformers. Also they were present for the moon landings… sounds a bit too far-fetched for me. Michael Bay, even though he said he would just do a trilogy is back for maybe another trilogy so kill me now please. This film had the longest third act ever, the action just wouldn’t end.

After the battle of Chicago the Autobots have gone into hiding and no, not behind people’s houses like they tried before. They are being hunted down by CIA elite units because they think they’re a threat to Earth, however they are working with transformers themselves so that makes sense. Also Cade Yeager (funny name) played by Mark ‘breathy’ Wahlberg, a rubbish inventor stumbles across a beat-down Optimus Prime. It’s only a matter of time before they are found by the government then all the usual Michael Bay things start to happen. You know, explosions, slo-mo’s, close-ups on a good-looking teenage girl’s arse. That kind of stuff.

Okay, Bay has near enough burnt this franchise to the ground, like the cities his characters end up in. Each film has gotten more worse than the other so there’s one main thing he needs to do if he’s going to keep the franchise going. He has to fire the screenwriter Ehren Kruger. He keeps on writing terrible, cringing dialogue and the plot is all over the place. Please do this Michael Bay, also give over with all the slo-mo! Bay is obsessed with this technique that he doesn’t know when to use it. Who in the world wants to see Mark Wahlberg hit some grass in a very, very slow speed? Not me. Is it his mission to have more slow-motion shots in the film than his last or something? He even put it in Pain & Gain when Wahlberg was running down a street. It reminded me very much of Baywatch.

The way the plot unfolds and how the writing just gets worse in this film astounded me. The humans in every Transformers film are depicted of being the most stupid people that you cannot actually believe that they could exist. In this one, the character of Joshua Joyce (JJ!) played by Stanley Tucci creates his own version of transformers from the leftover parts of Megatron. It completely contradicts the plot. The U.S government and the CIA want rid of all Transformers so why are they creating new ones? It’s a terrible idea. Megatron is evil for a start so isn’t the new transformers spawned from him likely to be evil as well? They really don’t think things through in these films.

My score for the film is 40%. Lowest mark for writing, highest for visuals. The visuals weren’t actually on par either in this film. The human created transformers transformed in a different way to the Autobots and the Decepticons that it looked like 3D graphics straight from a computer screen ambushed the scene, weird. In summary the film had terrible lines, terrible acting, terrible characters, terrible plot and terrible… EVERYTHING!!

I’m bailing on the next film unless Ehren isn’t the writer and Bay promises to change his ways. The constant slo-mo’s, the low angle shots, the shallow way of only casting beautiful women for main parts and far, far too many explosions have to be stopped if he wants any kind of critical success if he has any pride in his work. Just because it makes a lot of money, it doesn’t mean it’s any good Bay.

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