Tropic Thunder Quotes(Page 2)
[the bat that took Portnoy’s cocaine bag falls. Portnoy catches it trying to rip the bat open with his teeth]
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah, now you’re dead! You OD’d!
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah. I’m not feeling so good right now. Seriously, my skin hurts!
Tugg Speedman: Enough from the peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies!
Kirk Lazarus: No, no, no man. Let me take a look at that map right quick.
Tugg Speedman: Why is everybody all obsessed with the map?
Kirk Lazarus: Cause we’re tired of being your trail donkeys! Acting like you some one-man GPS! God damn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man!
Tugg Speedman: I don’t believe you people.
Kirk Lazarus: Huh? What do you mean “you people”?
Alpa Chino: What do you mean, “you people”?
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?
Kevin Sandusky: I…I think what, uh…Tugg means is…
Kirk Lazarus: No, look at his eyes, man.
Kevin Sandusky: …you people, you actors. You people…
Kirk Lazarus: Look at them beady, white devil eyes.
[Speedman shoots his rifle into the air to stop them all arguing]
Tugg Speedman: Chill! Alright? Just chill it. Now, let’s go get those Viet Congs.
Alpa Chino: “Viet Cong”!
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It’s “Viet Cong.” There’s no “S.” It’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses.”
Kirk Lazarus: Alright, that’s enough of this insubordination! If the machine breaks down, we break down. Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
[Lazarus walks up to stand in front of Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: That’s kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Oh, Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo one but two.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman: Well, I’m not that…I mean, that’s what I’m going for, but you know…
Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus: What’s the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman: It’s a diet. I’m just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I’m trying to come up a little, but it’s just… it’s tough.
Tugg Speedman: You look good.
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
Tugg Speedman: What?
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman: There’s, like, the pineapple…
[Lazarus quickly snatches the map from Speedman’s hand]
Kirk Lazarus: Give me that goddamn map!
Tugg Speedman: Hey!
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman: That’s fucking bullshit! It’s a chump move.
Tugg Speedman: This is insane! Are you really going to abandon this movie? We’re supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit!
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg, you have no idea where you’re going!
Tugg Speedman: Yes, I do!
[reads from the scene list]
Tugg Speedman: I’m going to, “Exterior, rain forest, dusk.” Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle.” Suck on that unit, Kirk!
[Lazarus is leading the actors through the jungle and Sandusky is following behind him]
Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they’re pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the, uh…the most successful. Uh…but, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it…
Kirk Lazarus: You talkin’ to me this whole time?
Kevin Sandusky: I…I was talking to whoever was listening to me.
Jeff Portnoy: Oh, God! It’s cold! Brrrr…it’s freezing. I’m fucking cold.
Alpa Chino: You want my flak jacket?
Jeff Portnoy: What, are you insane? It’s boiling! It’s like a sweat lodge out here!
Kirk Lazarus: Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams.
Jeff Portnoy: I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!
Kirk Lazarus: Y’all might be in for a treat. You know, back before the war broke out, I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens. Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo. Ha! And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? Hell yeah, hah!
Alpa Chino: Hell, yeah! Hah! That’s how we all talk? We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh, hah! Yeah, mmm-hmm get some crawfish and some ribs, hah! Ye-aah! You’re Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.
[Alpa hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: I get excited about my foods, man.
[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea. I’ve never been outside the States.
Cody: Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude, were you even in the fucking service?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.
Cody: Coast Guard!
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh, my God! You’re a fucking garbage man! Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I’m a patriot!
Cody: Yeah, you’re the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay?
Cody: I don’t wanna be next to you.
Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time.
[to the guard that’s just bursts in]
Cody: Can I be tied to another post? Okay.
[on the phone]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick. The thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: Vivica, get off the line now!
Rick Peck: A hooker? Alright, you killed a hooker. Calm down. Here’s what you’re gonna do. Get your hands on some bleach, some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime.
Tugg Speedman: No, a panda. I killed a panda.
Rick Peck: Amanda? Come on, dude. I mean, that’s probably not even her real name.
Tugg Speedman: No, a panda!
Rick Peck: A panda?
Tugg Speedman: A sweet, cuddly, vicious little panda.
Rick Peck: Jesus Christ, Tugg! Man, don’t scare me like that!
Rick Peck: Alright, man. Hey, how’s the TiVo working out?
Tugg Speedman: Screw TiVo. I’m way beyond TiVo. Last I checked, they hadn’t hooked it up, though.
Tugg Speedman: It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve moved on.
Rick Peck: Where have you moved on to? Another agency? Who’s with you? It’s Nick Stevens, isn’t it? That little fucker. You are still my client, Tugg Speedman! I am getting the TiVo! Jacket’s on, I’m out the door! Tugg? Please don’t fire me.
[referring to Portnoy]
Kevin Sandusky: He doesn’t look too good.
Jeff Portnoy: Must drink, so I can throw something up!
[Portnoy crawls to the edge of the river and starts drinking water from the river]
Kevin Sandusky: No, no. Don’t drink that water! That water’s like a petri dish! No, don’t! Uh…Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin’ on some of Alpa’s ass water. That’ll bring him around. It’s a cure-all.
Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie.
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain’t funny.
Alpa Chino: I’m just fuckin’ with you, Kangaroo Jack! I’m sorry a dingo ate your baby.
Kirk Lazarus: You know that’s a true story? Lady lost her kid. You about to cross some fuckin’ lines.
Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax and stuff.
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I’m sick of this koala-huggin’ nigga tellin’ me…
[Lazarus slaps Alpa and he goes to punch back but Lazarus blocks the punch and pulls Alpa into an embrace]
Kirk Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: It took a whole lot of tryin’ just to get up that hill. Now we up in the big leagues, getting our turn at bat. Long as we live, it’s you and me, baby.
Alpa Chino: That’s the theme song for The Jeffersons. You really need help!
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah. Just cause it’s the theme song, don’t make it not true.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, stay away from that animal.
[Portnoy heads towards an ox]
Jeff Portnoy: I’m gonna bite his hide. I need…I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t nobody doin’ nothin’ to no one or body! Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don’t wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
Kevin Sandusky: Maybe he’s not, you know, Ridley Scott or something, but I think Renny Harlin’s a tremendous filmmaker like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane, you know, as far as an Andrew Dice Clay vehicle goes, it’s pretty decent. And you know Cliffhanger, Cliffhanger’s incredible. As far as the whole like, man against nature type of movies go, it’s…it’s absolutely amazing.
Jeff Portnoy: Shut the fuck up!
Kevin Sandusky: I see moss on both sides of that tree.
Kevin Sandusky: Well, you know, maybe if I wasn’t the only one at boot camp…
[Portnoy is flopped over on his stomach on an ox]
Jeff Portnoy: My belly really hurts, you guys! I’m not joking around, I’m nauseous. Let me off, I gotta puke! I don’t wanna die like Hendrix!
[they’ve just noticed the Flaming Dragon compound]
Kevin Sandusky: We were in that chopper for hours. I don’t even think we’re in Vietnam anymore.
Jeff Portnoy: Fuck.
Alpa Chino: Shit. We ain’t even in ‘Nam?
Kevin Sandusky: No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck is Laos?
Kevin Sandusky: It’s the Golden Triangle.
Jeff Portnoy: Oh, fuck. We’re dead. No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV. Fucking boats, airplanes, UFOs and shit, they all just vanish!
Alpa Chino: Yo, that’s the Bermuda Triangle, dumbass. This is the Golden Triangle.
Kevin Sandusky: It’s the world’s hard drug superhighway.
Kirk Lazarus: How do you know that?
Kevin Sandusky: It was a really long trip. I read the in-flight magazine.
[after being captured and taken to the Flaming Dragon compound]
Tugg Speedman: Were there some re-writes that I missed?
[Tran, the leader of the Flaming Dragon compound, burns a cigar on Speedman’s chest and start hitting him with a stick]
Tran: [shouting] Do you want to die? Do you?
Tugg Speedman: No! Puh-puh-pulease, do-do-don’t hurt m-m-meeee.
Tran: Say that again.
Tugg Speedman: Please, don’t hurt me!
Tran: No! Like you did before! Say it! Say it!
Tugg Speedman: Puh-puh-pulease, do-do-don’t h-h-hurt meeee.
Tran: You are Simple Jack.
Tugg Speedman: You saw Simple Jack?
Tran: We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack. We do not have many luxury here. And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess.
[Tran shows him a battered VHS box of Simple Jack]
Tugg Speedman: Oh…I see you got the VHS.
Tran: We’ve watched it many, many times.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: You should’ve got Oscar.
Tugg Speedman: Well, you know. It’s…just to be nominated…
Tran: You were nominated?
Tugg Speedman: No, no, no. I wasn’t nominated. I’m just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice. It’s just…it’s very political. You have to take out ads…
Tran: Shut up now!
[Peck bursts into Grossman’s office unannounced interrupting his meeting]
Les Grossman: What do you need, Peck?
Rick Peck: No, more like what do YOU need, Les? Glasses?
Les Grossman: What?!
Rick Peck: So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract that guarantees my client, Tugg Speedman, some form of digital video recorder on location.
Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy, so why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass?
[turns to his assistant]
Les Grossman: No, not you Helen. But I will rip your tits off if you don’t get me those theaters.
[on the phone thinking it’s Speedman]
Rick Peck: Hey, Tuggernuts, I’ve got you on speakerphone. I’m standing here with Les Grossman, and he is dying to tell you why he’s apparently wiped his ass with the TiVo clause from your contract.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: We are Flaming Dragon.
[grabs hold of Peck’s phone]
Les Grossman: This is Les Grossman. Who is this?
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: This is Flaming Dragon!
Les Grossman: Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face! Now, I don’t know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you’re trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you better think again. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to head down there, and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you. You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I will fuck you up!
[Speedman is brought onto a makeshift stage with really bad looking makeup and wig]
Tran: You wear these. More like Simple Jack teeth.
[gives Speedman false teeth just taken out of an old man’s mouth]
Tugg Speedman: Oh, okay. Hey. Look, I know you’re a big fan, and that’s great…
[Tran hits him in the stomach with back of his rifle]
Tran: Put teeth in!
[Speedman puts the false teeth in his mouth]
Tran: Now do movie.
Tugg Speedman: The whole movie? I can’t. I don’t…I don’t know the whole…
Tran: You perform! You perform or die! Monkey swine!
Tugg Speedman: Oh, Pa.
[Tran hits him in the stomach again with back of his rifle]
Tran: More stupid!
Tugg Speedman: Oooohhh…puh-puh-Pa! Wh-why you guh-got to muh-muh-make me ffffffeeel baaad?
Kevin Sandusky: Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don’t do something soon.
Jeff Portnoy: Yeah. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, which is in the other direction!
Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t right. What would’ve happened in The Great Escape if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?
Kevin Sandusky: Well, that’s what that movie was about. They were escaping. They ran away.
Kirk Lazarus: I’m trying to agree with you. The point is they did something.
Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh? Cause he’s cleaning a gun with no bullets.
Alpa Chino: Yeah, that’s a plan.
Kirk Lazarus: I’m just like a little boy, playin’ with his dick when he’s nervous.
Jeff Portnoy: I got an idea. This might be a little crazy.
Kirk Lazarus: Crazy’s better than nothin’.
Jeff Portnoy: Back in ’98, I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinemax. Sex Camp. Remember it?
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah.
Jeff Portnoy: Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girl camp. So, what we did, we built a catapult out of logs and underwear, and they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down.
[the others all look at him and then just ignore him and continue talking]
Kevin Sandusky: Look, you guys, we already know the plan.
Jeff Portnoy: Are you fucking kidding me? I’m giving you gold.
Kevin Sandusky: We do it just like in the book, Chapter 26, “The Wet Offensive”.
Kirk Lazarus: The book of Tropic Thunder.
Kevin Sandusky: Yeah, did you guys read the book?
Jeff Portnoy: Ah, the flap, I read the back flap and saw the pictures.
Kevin Sandusky: Well, it’s okay. It’s exactly the same as in the script.
Kirk Lazarus: Cool.
Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?
Kirk Lazarus: I don’t read the script, script reads me.
Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?
Kirk Lazarus: What you gettin’ at with the books, scripts? Spit that shit out, man!
[after Sandusky explain what “The Wet Offensive” plan is]
Alpa Chino: Yeah…but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah! And we trained actors, motherfucka. Time to man up. And I ain’t gonna sugarcoat it. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like not on the same flight?
Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I’s already wearing Earth Mama’s natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!
Kirk Lazarus: Sorry.
[on the phone to the Flaming Dragon Bodyguard]
Les Grossman: Les Grossman.
Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: We not get money yet. Price now 100 million! You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack die!
Les Grossman: Great. Ah, let me get this down. 100 million…oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of 100 million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese? Then you kill him! Do your thing! Skin the fucking bastard! Go to town, man! Go to town!
Rick Peck: No…
Les Grossman: In the meantime, and as usual, go fuck yourself!
Rick Peck: No.
Les Grossman: We don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[after Grossman has refused to pay the ransom to free Speedman]
Rick Peck: They’re gonna kill him!
Rob Slolom: And?
Rick Peck: “And?”
Les Grossman: It’s a cold, hard world. Shit happens. We’ll weep for him, in the press. Set up a scholarship in his name. Eventually, and I’m talking way, way down the road, we file an insurance claim.
Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.
Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house, all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the third runner-up “Sexiest Man Alive” 1998, and you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS? Let’s face it. The kids aren’t dressing up as Scorcher for Purim anymore. Speedman is a dying star, a white dwarf heading for a black hole. That’s physics. It’s inevitable.
Rob Slolom: We’ve been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on Flo Rider’s “Low” and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.
Rob Slolom: Yeah.
Les Grossman: Ask…and you shall receive.
Rob Slolom: Alright.
Les Grossman: You play ball, we play ball. I knoowww you want the goodies.
Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goody room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? Cause I’m talking G5 for the Pecker. That’s how you’re gonna roll. No more frequent flier bitch miles for my boy. Oh yeah! Playa. Playa! Big dick playa.
Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby.
Rob Slolom: Yep.
[Grossman turns off the music]
Les Grossman: Or…you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
[Peck pauses before replying]
Rick Peck: A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: Yes…and lots of money…playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]
Les Grossman: Yeah! Smack it up, flip it, rub it down! Wooow!
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