By Cameron

 

I wonder how Bram Stoker the creator of Dracula would react to the modern age of vampires, How they’re nothing like the vampires from his era. How would he feel about the current state of vampires in movies if he was alive?

Pre-Review: What I thought of vampires back when I was a little kid that they were dark scary cloaked ghouls who lived in dark spooky castles who loved to suck the blood of human flesh. For many years that was what they were famous for back in the 1940’s then to the Christopher Lee Dracula movies and to that retelling of the original book with Gary Oldman back in the early 90’s. It wasn’t until Stephenie Meyer introduced a new age of vampires where vampires are young attractive models who are no longer out for human blood but out for human love. This spawned a bunch of rip-offs and including movies based off her books. That’s why I’m here to talk about the first of the quin-trilogy that is known as Twilight.

I remember how huge these movies were back in the day, they were probably as big as The Harry Potter movies. Until just recently I was never interested in watching or reading anything Twilight related. It was my Mum who thought I should watch these movies because apparently I watch too many violent depressing movies so her compromise is a movie about vampires falling in love while also constantly talking about killing their lover sounded like a better alternate.

Notice: Anyway before we start any book lovers out there who reads this and gets mad me at for my lack of knowledge and uses the ‘They explain that in the books’ or ‘The books did this better’ excuse all I can say is that ‘I don’t care’ because this a movie and should stand on its own. Also there will be spoilers in this review, if you don’t like those then go away, or if you like those don’t away. As simple as that.

The Plot: The movie follows Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) as she leaves her home in Arizona and moves to a small town in the state of Washington called Forks. She then goes to High School and fits in just nicely until she meets a mysterious young boy named Edward Cullen (Robert Patterson) who Bella quickly discovers he’s not a normal teenage boy but a Vampire. The two soon form a bond and it’s a tale of the two falling for each other.

My Thoughts: Twilight was painful to sit through. The story is boring and formulaic. The action is poorly filmed. The camera work is terrible. The setting looks very ugly. The soundtrack is bad and the acting is god awful, especially from our leads but we’ll get into that in a bit. Pretty much everything is wrong with this movie. I’m very confused how this movie spawned a franchise (Oh wait). While doing some research I found out this movie was made during that Writers Strike from a couple years back. (Don’t know what that is, here’s a good place to start https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007%E2%80%9308_Writers_Guild_of_America_strike). So that might explain why this movie feels so rushed and how much of a mess it ended up being.

Handsome Vampire Guy & Stupid Teenage Girl: This maybe the worst couple I’ve seen in a film. Bella likes Edward because he’s hot and wants to be a Vampire too. Edward likes Bella because she’s a living breathing piece of cocaine to him. Throughout the movie I never bought their romance. They always just stare at each other a lot, talk about their feelings a lot and Edward is always concerned and Bella looks like she couldn’t a damn about his or anyone’s problems. It doesn’t help they both give an awful performance. Especially Kristen Stewart. I have a theory the reason why Edward can’t read her mind is because she’s a machine and that’s why she’s obsessed with vampires and never shows any emotion about her current situation.

Other Characters: Bella’s high school friends feel like filler after Edward is introduced. Edward’s family are all very boring same with Bella’s dad. The villain is as weird as Edward. A creepy stalker who’s obsessed with Bella and Jacob (Taylor Lautner). I just saw him as an unnecessary exposition info dumper (He’s on the same page as Bella’s constant Google searches) who’s just as weird as Edward except with longer hair.

Whiteness: The movie: This movie I’ve noticed is very white. Not just the characters but the setting or the backgrounds. So whenever someone is talking I can’t help but look around at the whiteness and think about how ugly this movie looks. Also the action scenes are shot terribly. Things move really fast so you don’t know what’s going on. Everything just looks extra terrible when someone is about to get into a fight. This leads into my next section. Also that soundtrack was a pretty good distraction to take me out of the movie. All you need to know is you’ll have to make a pretty good threat to make me buy the Twilight soundtrack.

Vampires Make No Sense: So Edward was bitten like 100 years ago as a teenager. So that’s why he looks incredibly handsome was his age and it’ll make the romance scenes less awkward. So vampires still have to suck human blood to survive but Edward’s family instead sucks other animal’s blood. So they’re vegetation’s for vampires I guess. Also they live in this town because it’s always cloudy. (Only this town!) If they do go out in the sun they become crystal or whatever and on stormy days they’re just more powerful or something and they use their great power on a game of Baseball.

Vampires can also run fast, jump high, they’ve super strength. But Edward and only Edward can read minds except for Bella’s for some reason and Edward’s sister and only Edward’s sister can see the future and is as usual as Counsellor Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Edward can also teleport or he can sense when Bella needs him because she’s like a giant Coke beacon. I’m sorry I can’t get behind this. So The Cullen’s live forever and do all of this cool stuff and do absolutely nothing with their gifts.

Why not do something useful powers like become a team of superheroes or why not just kill like everyone so we can all be vampires too that can resolve all diseases and wars since we’ll all be immortal vampires? But no, they just roam the wild during whatever they want going to school when they don’t need too or going to work when they don’t need to. This doesn’t make sense because vampires are monsters not people and they should be doing what the villains are do and hunt people and sucking people’s blood not having normal lives and doing nothing useful with your powers.

The Story: What’s left the story? Well its Two hours long so good luck making it to the end without falling asleep (Luckily I don’t fall asleep in movies). Two hours of my life I’ll never get back because I watched this awful movie instead of watching the old Dracula movies. Also if you’re familiar with this genre you may have a good idea how this movie will play out and unluckily for me I could see all the pieces before I got them out of the box.

Final Thoughts: So in the end this movie is the definition of terrible. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that I actually liked about the movie. So it’s a perfect 1/10 I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you’re the opposite of me or loves to tear apart bad movies and I’m glad you could enjoy it more than me.

Those are my thoughts on Twilight if you agree or disagree please let me know in the comments. If you haven’t notice I’m a huge fan of movies and I’m willing to suffer for my audience (if I have any) so let me know on what I should review next.

Thanks for reading this review and I’ll see you again in the next review.

Rating: 1/5

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