What's Your Number Quotes

(Page 2)

Page   1   2   THE NOVEL


[after her drink with Simon, she returns to her apartment where Colin is waiting for her]
Ally Darling: Cross Simon off the list.
Colin Shea: What happened?
Ally Darling: Well, my British accent was a little rusty and half way through darts I started sounding like Eliza Doolittle.
[Ally has flashback with Simon in the pub where her English accent got worse]
Simon: So, you were saying you got sacked.
Ally Darling: Yep. Losing me job wasn’t the end of the world. Still got me mates and a roof over me head. I don’t need much. Just a room somewhere, far away from the cold night air.

[back with Colin recalling her disastrous date with Simon]

Ally Darling: And then when I tried to pull out of it, for some reason I panicked and went whole Borat.
[flashback to Ally back with Simon at the pub where she’s now talking like Borat]
Ally Darling: So, I order another round?
Simon: Mm…no. No, I think we better call it a night.whats-your-number-7
Ally Darling: Oh, no! I talk all the time! I know nothing about you!
[there’s an awkward silence, Ally then starts speaking in a Swedish accent]
Ally Darling: So, what’s next for Svorgen?
[back with Colin]
Colin Shea: Svorgen?
Ally Darling: I turned into this Swedish chef from the Muppets.
Colin Shea: He was my favorite.
Ally Darling: Okay, who else we got?


[looking at her list of ex-boyfriends]
Colin Shea: We got ten possibilities left. Jay, from Club Med Turkoise. I’m trying, but I need more info.
Ally Darling: I’m sorry, it was spring break. Jay may not even be his real name. I’m certainly not Kelly with an I.
Colin Shea: Uh…Barrett Ingold, lives in Miami. I know it’s not geographically desirable, but he is a doctor now.
Ally Darling: I don’t care. I hate Miami. I think too much sun makes people stupid.
Colin Shea: Okay. Uh…how do you feel about Denver. I found the mountain man, and that guy has got a caboose worth relocating for.
Ally Darling: Pass! He always wanted to breath fresh air. Do you know how exhausting it was to pretend to enjoy the outdoors with that kind of enthusiasm?
Colin Shea: More exhausting than pretending to be British?
Ally Darling: I never had to wipe myself with a leaf when I was pretending to be British.
Colin Shea: Touché.


Colin Shea: What about Jerry Perry? He’s a puppeteer, so he’s single.
[she has flashback to when she first met Jerry and had sex with him with his puppet looking at them]
Ally Darling: I don’t wanna go out with Jerry Perry. Where is Jake Adams?
Colin Shea: Ouagadougou.
What? Where the hell is that?
Colin Shea: Africa. He runs his family philanthropic foundation and he’s overseeing the construction of a school there.


Colin Shea: If he was so perfect, why didn’t it work out in the first place?
Ally Darling: Well we made this pact that we would lose our virginity to each other, but Jake went abroad in junior year and while he was gone, I broke the pact.
Colin Shea: With who? Which one of the twenty could have possibly been better than Jake Adams? And why aren’t we looking for him?
Ally Darling: You already found him.
Colin Shea: Jerry Perry? You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?
[Colin starts laughing]
Ally Darling: I know! I felt bad for him.
Colin Shea: Oh, Ally, I underestimated you. That’s amazing. That’s…that’s my new favorite thing about you.


[after Ally blurts out to her mom that Daisy has invited their father to her wedding]
Daisy Darling: You have to fix this.
Ally Darling: I’ll talk to her when I get back.
Daisy Darling: Where are you going?
Ally Darling: Miami, for a Pap smear.
Daisy Darling: Why?
Ally Darling: Do you remember Barrett Ingold?
Daisy Darling: The guy who threw up in our dishwasher?
Ally Darling: Yeah, he’s a gynecologist now.
Daisy Darling: But you hate Miami.
Ally Darling: I know, but I’m not having as much luck as I’d hope locally and I’m running out of time, money and viable eggs.
Daisy Darling: So, you’re telling me that tracking down your ex-boyfriends is more important than helping me plan my wedding?
Ally Darling: I know it sounds stupid to you, but it is important. I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives but me.
Daisy Darling: Ally, I’m all for moving on, I really am, but it just feels like this quest you’re on is a little nuts.
Ally Darling: You know what? If you hadn’t given your ex-boyfriend a second chance, you wouldn’t even be having a wedding! Besides, I need a Pap smear and he takes my insurance.
[she turns to leave]
Ally Darling: I’m late for my spray tan!


[as Ally is gets ready for her Pap smear, Barrett walks into the room]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hello, Alison.
Ally Darling: Barrett? Oh, my God! Is that you?
[Barrett looks blankly at Ally, not recognizing her]whats-your-number-6
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Hi.
Ally Darling: It’s Ally. Ally Darling.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh, yeah. From spinning.
Ally Darling: No!
Dr. Barrett Ingold: From…oh! Greg’s Birthday party.
Ally Darling: We went to college together.
[Barrett looks at her blankly again]
Ally Darling: We dated.
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Oh! How about that? Well, that was a long time ago. So let’s see how things are going now. Can you scooch?
[he puts her legs up and starts examining her and suddenly he remembers her]
Dr. Barrett Ingold: Ally! Of course.


[back at her apartment building after returning back from visiting Barrett in Miami]
Ally Darling: He recognized my vagina! What’s going on down there? I gotta say, I’m a little freaked out.
Colin Shea: Well, I’d be happy to take a look for you.
Ally Darling: Oh, I used all my miles for that! Cross Barrett off the list. You know what? Cross the list off the list! What am I doing? Unemployed! Spending every last dime trying to track down these assholes who already broke up with me once. Maybe I should just quit.
Colin Shea: Well that’s too bad, cause I found Tom Piper.
Ally Darling: Keep talking.
Colin Shea: He’s in D.C., like you said, he’s working as an aid for Senator Mitchell.
Ally Darling: I don’t have anything that a politicians wife would wear.
[she thinks for a moment]
Ally Darling: Ooh! I do have a store credit for Ann Taylor. Huh!


[as Ally returns to her apartment she sees Colin sat naked, with only his guitar covering him, next to Daisy on the couch]
Ally Darling: Jesus! Tell me you’re not naked on my couch next to my sister.
[Colin moves his guitar up from his lap to reveal that he’s wearing boxer shorts]
Daisy Darling: Thankfully he doesn’t like to play without his underwear. The guitar gets cold against his penis.
Ally Darling: So, you two have met. Hey, remember Tom Piper? Colin found him in D.C., so I’m going there tomorrow…wearing this!
[she takes out a grey suit from her shopping bag]
Ally Darling: I’m so excited!
Colin Shea: Then why would you wear a pant suit?
Daisy Darling: Don’t you have your interview at Chefield and Bloom tomorrow?
Ally Darling: That’s the beauty of a pant suit! You know? It works for both a super boring interview and for an accidental-on-purpose encounter with my future husband.
Colin Shea: Hey, did you ever try and sell those freaky little sculptures you make?
Daisy Darling: No, she needs a real job.
Ally Darling: Oh, yeah. Those are just a hobby.
Colin Shea: I think they’re amazing. You should try, not everyone can do that, you know.


Daisy Darling: Excuse me, would you mind giving me and Ally a little bit of privacy please.
Ally Darling: She has to poo.
Daisy Darling: Ally!
Ally Darling: Hey, hasn’t your lady friend left yet?
Colin Shea: Uh, no. I guess this one’s a late sleeper.
Daisy Darling: Wait, are you…is he hiding out here because there’s a woman in his apartment?
Colin Shea: He is.
Daisy Darling: That’s it. I’m going to Anthony’s Bakery. Excuse me.
Colin Shea: You wanna grab me a cannoli?
[Daisy gets up and walks out of the apartment]
Colin Shea: No?


[after Ally gets rid of one Colin’s one night stands]
Ally Darling: Hey, wouldn’t it be easier if you just spent the night at their apartment and left in the morning like a normal guy?
Colin Shea: No. I once stayed in a relationship with a girl because of a picture she had on her bedside table. It was her, dressed as Cinderella on her fifth Birthday.
[pointing to the pillow by his bed]
Colin Shea: Grab that.
Ally Darling: So?
Colin Shea: So, every time I tried to split with her, I’d picture that little girl in the blue dress, happy, excited about Monty, her new gerbil, who she would later kill by accidently putting him in the drier. I just couldn’t break that little girl’s heart.
Ally Darling: So you’re saying it’s easier to sleep with girls and never call them again if you don’t know anything about them? Kind of like a serial killer.
Colin Shea: Yeah, I guess so.


[as Ally is about to find Tom Piper in Washington she bumps into Donald]
Ally Darling: Donald!
Disgusting Donald: Ally! What are you doing here?
Ally Darling: Visiting my fiancée.
Disgusting Donald: Your fiancée who…who was at the North Pole?
Ally Darling: Yep. He’s back. Pierre is back.
Disgusting Donald: [sarcastically] Wow! Pierre just happens to be in Washington D.C. at the same time that I have a conference?
Ally Darling: Yep. He is meeting with the President.
Disgusting Donald: Ooh, what a coincidence?
Ally Darling: I know! It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Disgusting Donald: Yep, it is. It’s exactly what it is. Okay.
[he turns and walks off]


[talking to Colin on the phone in her hotel room after meeting Tom Piper]
Ally Darling: Oh, my God! He’s taking me to this party tonight. I offered to stay at the Best Western, but he insisted on putting me up at the Omni!
Colin Shea: He dropped you off at the hotel and didn’t come up for ‘it’s good to see you sex’? What did you do to turn him off?
Ally Darling: Nothing. He’s a gentleman.
Colin Shea: You wore that pant suit, didn’t you?
Ally Darling: That pant suit is sexy. It’s very Katharine Hepburn.
Colin Shea: Alright, let’s clear something up right now. Katharine Hepburn was not sexy. Audrey Hepburn was sexy. Katharine Hepburn was a dude.
Ally Darling: Well, Tom is just a good guy. Besides, you wouldn’t know a gentleman if he tiptoed up behind you and tickled your balls.
[someone knocks on her door and she answers it as she’s talking to Colin to find a hotel staff delivering a box to her]
Ally Darling: Oh! I just got a present! Oh! He just sent over the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen! I feel like Cinderella!
Colin Shea: Be careful. If you’re not home by midnight, it might turn into a pant suit.


[as Ally walks towards him, walking awkwardly as the dress she’s wearing is too tight]
Tom Piper: Wow! Look at you.
Ally Darling: You don’t…you don’t think it’s a little small?
[Tom laughs]
Tom Piper: I’m sorry. It was hard to tell what was going on underneath the pant suit. Uh…perfect. You ready?
Ally Darling: Okay.


Tom Piper: I can’t believe Senator Phillips and his wife were talking to us for like fifteen minutes!
Ally Darling: I know!
Tom Piper: He didn’t even know my name before tonight, now he wants to hear my ideas about the tobacco reform bill.
Ally Darling: And she wants to take me out to lunch! Some place with popovers!
[Tom laughs]
Tom Piper: We make a great team. With you by my side, we could own this town.
Ally Darling: We could totally own it.
Tom Piper: I mean it, Ally. I have my eyes on a senate seat and then the presidency. Now if tonight is an indication, I think together we could go all the way.


Ally Darling: Oh, let’s do it!
Tom Piper: So we’re doing it?
Ally Darling: Yeah! What are we doing?
Tom Piper: We’re getting married!
Ally Darling: Oh!
Tom Piper: Yeah!
Ally Darling: Well, maybe we should kiss first and see how that goes.
Tom Piper: Kiss? No, Ally…no! I want you to be my beard. I’m gay.
Ally Darling: What?
Tom Piper: I’m gay, like, super gay. Like one down here, one here, one here, one here gay. I thought you knew that. America’s ready for a black president, not ready for a gay black president. And we have history. Ally, I mean, I wouldn’t have known I was gay if I hadn’t dated you. So what do you say?
Ally Darling: Can I get back to you?

[Ally returns home dejected, and finds Colin in her apartment]

Ally Darling: What are you doing here? I’m not depressed enough to sleep with you.
Colin Shea: Close your eyes.
Ally Darling: That won’t help.
[Ally closes her eyes]
Colin Shea: And open them.
[he surprises her with some lit displays for her sculptures that he has set up]
Colin Shea: What do you think?
[Ally looks speechless]


Colin Shea: My wiring is a little spotty, every time these go on, your bathroom light burns out, but I think it’s worth it.
Ally Darling: What did you do?
Colin Shea: I think it really brings out the detail, you know?
[referring to one of her sculptures]
Colin Shea: I never noticed Louis’ gold tooth before. I named him Louis by the way.
Ally Darling: I can’t believe it. This is amazing.
Colin Shea: Yeah, well, you sounded depressed on the phone, so. You hungry?
Ally Darling: I’m starving.


Colin Shea: So I got good news. I found Julie from college, she is a man now and she’s single. She’s cute. Looks like Ralph Macchio.
[Ally smiles]
Ally Darling: You know what? Even if he were straight, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. You gotta be a lady to be the first lady, and I ain’t no lady.
Colin Shea: You’re a lady. You’re lots of lady. You’re once, twice, twenty times a lady.
[Colin then starts playing and singing her a song on his guitar and she starts dancing to it]


[after dancing to Colin’s song]
Ally Darling: Wow! Oh, shit! I need to lie down or throw up.
Colin Shea: You okay?
Ally Darling: Yeah. No. I have to go to my sister’s wedding alone.
Colin Shea: I’ll go with you.
Ally Darling: You’d do that?
Colin Shea: Yeah. Why not?
Ally Darling: Well, thanks. I really appreciate that. I still think I’m gonna throw up.
Colin Shea: Let’s get some air.


[after they enter Madison Square Garden]
Colin Shea: Ever played a horse in the garden?
Ally Darling: No.
[she takes the basketball and shoots it straight in the net]
Ally Darling: But I have played horse.
Colin Shea: Okay. Okay.
[he shoots the basketball and misses the net]
Ally Darling: Oh, no! H for you my friend.


[Colin sits and starts taking his shoes off]whats-your-number-9
Ally Darling: What are doing?
Colin Shea: We’re playing strip horse. Is there another kind?
Ally Darling: There’s the kind where you keep your clothes on.
Colin Shea: What’s fun about that? Alright, H.
Ally Darling: Backboard.
[they start shooting hoops, Ally shoots the ball in the net every time but Colin keeps missing and strips down to his shorts, Ally then finally misses and has to take off her dress]
Ally Darling: This is not fair. I miss one shot and then I’m almost totally naked.
Colin Shea: Well, that’s the game.
Ally Darling: Well, the game’s changing. It’s now one on one.
[as they start playing, the security guard enters and they make a run for it leaving her red dress on the basketball net]


Page   <<      1   2
Total Quotes: 85



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