Slydell and Bob
Slydell: Let's see. You are Michael...Bolton? Michael Bolton: Yeah. Bob Porter: Is
that your real name? Michael Bolton: Yeah. Bob Porter: Are
you any relation to the pop singer? Michael Bolton: No.
just a coincidence. Bob Slydell: I'll
be honest with you, I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton
fan. For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he
sings "When a Man Loves a Woman". Bob Porter: But,
you must really love his music. Michael Bolton: Yeah.
He's, he's, he's pretty, he's pretty good, I guess. Bob Slydell: You're
god damn right he is. [they laugh] Bob Porter: So
tell me. What's your favorite song of his? Michael Bolton: Hmm.
I don't, I don't know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like 'em all. [the Bobs laugh] Bob Slydell:
That's why I feel the exact same way. But it must be twice as hard for
you, being having
the same name as him. I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue. Anyway,
let's get down to business, Michael! Michael Bolton: You
know, you, you can just call me Mike. [the Bobs
stare stare at him]
[Peter is sitting at a
table in Flingers when Joanna enters] Joanna: Hi. Peter Gibbons: Hey. [referring to her work
uniform] Joanna: I
wonder if I'm allowed to uh...wear this in here. Peter Gibbons: I
think you'll be okay. Would you like to sit down? Joanna: Okay. Wow!
This place is really...nice. Peter Gibbons: Yeah,
is it? Joanna: Yeah, my
God, compared to Chotchkie's. I like the uniforms better anyway. Peter Gibbons: I
Peter Gibbons: What's
a piece of flair? Joanna: Oh,
it's uh...it's where you know like the...the suspenders and buttons
are all sort of...We're actually required to wear um...fifteen pieces
of flair. Quite stupid actually. Peter Gibbons: Do
you get to pick 'em yourself? Joanna: Yeah.
Yeah. We do. Although I didn't actually choose these. I, um, I just
sorta grabbed fifteen buttons and just...I don't even know what they
Y'know, I don't really care. I don't really like talking about my flair. Peter Gibbons: Okay.
where do you uh, work, Peter? Peter Gibbons:
In...yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons:
I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna: What's
that? Peter Gibbons:
Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space,
they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead
of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and,
uh...it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I
don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna: You're
just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. Joanna: Won't
you get fired? Peter Gibbons:
I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna: So
you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons:
Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh...I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna: Uh...when
did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons:
About an hour ago. Joanna: Oh,
really? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Joanna: About
an hour ago. So you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons:
I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna: Well,
what are you going to do about money and bills and... Peter Gibbons: You
know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do
that, either. Joanna:
Uhh...well, so what do you wanna do? Peter Gibbons:
I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my
apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung
Fu? Joanna: I
love Kung Fu. Peter Gibbons:
Channel 39. Joanna:
Totally. Peter Gibbons:
You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight. Joanna: Okay. Peter Gibbons: Great. Joanna:
Okay. Can we order lunch first? Peter Gibbons:
Milton. What's happening? Um,
I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and move your desk again. So,
if you could go ahead and get
it to as far back against that wall as possible, that would be
great. Milton Waddams: No,
no, because I was, I was told... Bill Lumbergh: That
way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put
in here. Milton Waddams: No..no... [Lumbergh sees the
Swingline stapler on Milton's desk] Bill Lumbergh: And
there it is. Milton Waddams: What? Bill Lumbergh: Here,
me just go ahead and get that from ya. Great. So if you could
just get to that
soon as possible, that would be terrific. Okay? Have a nice
Bye. [he walks off] Milton Waddams:[to himself] Okay.
I'll set the building on fire.
[Peter enters the office
late in his casual clothes] Michael
Bolton: What the hell's going on, man? I thought you were
to come in here and start shooting.
Peter Gibbons: No.
I just came
to get my address book. I'm not gonna stay. I've got a phone number,
Mike, that I don't wanna lose.
What?! Peter, you're in deep shit! You were supposed to come in on
What were you doing? Peter Gibbons:
Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything
that I thought it could be. Michael Bolton: Well,
I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh.
Michael Bolton: You
you're supposed to be having your interview right now with the
consultants. Peter Gibbons:
With who? Michael Bolton: The
consultants. What has gotten into you? Peter Gibbons:
Oh yeah. Right! Michael Bolton: Wait.
Peter, postpone it man. Tell them you were sick. Make something up. Peter Gibbons:
Ah, no way. I feel great. It's the best day of my life.
[after Peter walks into
room where the Bob's are] Bob Slydell:
I'm Bob Slydell and this is my associate, Bob Porter. Peter Gibbons: Oh
hi, Bob. Bob. Bob Slydell:
Why don't you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute? Bob Slydell:
You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're just, we're
trying to get
a feel for how people spend their day at work. So, if you would, would
you walk us through a typical day for you? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. Bob Slydell:
Great. Peter Gibbons:
Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Uh, I use the
side door, that way Lumbergh can't see me. And, uh, after that I just
sorta space out for about an hour. Bob Porter:
Da-uh? Space out? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, I just stare at my desk but it looks like I'm working. I do that
for uh, probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week
probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. Bob Slydell: Uh,
you be a good sport and indulge us and just tell us a little more? Peter Gibbons: Oh,
me tell you something about TPS reports.
thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care. Bob Porter:
Don't...don't care? Peter Gibbons:
It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and
Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's
the motivation? And here's something else, Bob. I have eight different
bosses right now. Bob Slydell:
I beg your pardon? Peter Gibbons:
Eight bosses. Bob Slydell:
Eight? Peter Gibbons:
Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight
different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real
motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job.
But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough
not to get fired.
Bob Slydell: Would
you bear with me for just a second, please? Peter Gibbons:
Slydell: What if, and believe me this is a
hypothetical, but what if
you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program.
Would that do anything for you? Peter Gibbons:
I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. Uh, it's been really nice
talking to both of you guys. [he shakes their hands] Bob Slydell:
Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me. Peter Gibbons:
Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really
well. Bob Porter:
Excellent. Bob Slydell: Great...wow!
to talk about your flair. Joanna: Really?
I...I have fifteen pieces on. I, uh... [she shows him her flair
buttons] Stan: Well,
okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay? Joanna: Okay. Stan: Now,
you know it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare
minimum. Or uh...well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces
of flair, okay. And a
terrific smile. Joanna: Okay.
want me to wear more? Stan: Look.
Joanna. Joanna: Yeah. Stan: People
can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie's for the
atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That's what the flair's about. It's
fun. Joanna: Yeah.
So more then, yeah? Stan: Look,
we want you to express yourself, okay? Now if you feel that the bare
enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage
that, okay? You do want to express yourself, don't you? Joanna: Yeah.
Yeah. Stan: Okay.
Great. That's all I ask. Joanna: Okay. [she walks away]
[telling Lumbergh who's
going to be fired] Bob Slydell: Right,
three more people we can easily lose, and then there's Tom Smykowski.
He's useless. Gone. Dom Portwood:
Sounds good to
Here's a peculiar...uh...Milton Waddams Dom Portwood:
You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot. Dom Portwood: Oh,
yeah. Bob Slydell:
Yeah, we...we can't actually find a record of him being a current
here. Bob Porter:
I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened
is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about
it. But through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still
gets a paycheck. Bob Slydell:
So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch. Bill Lumbergh:
Great. Dom Portwood:
So, uh, Milton has been let go? Bob Slydell: Well,
just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch.
won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out
naturally. Bob Porter:
We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. Problem is
solved from your end.
I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance
to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with
upper management written all over him. Bill Lumbergh: Ooh,
I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you
there. Yeah. Uh, he's been real flaky lately and I'm just not sure that
the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He's also
been having some
problems with his TPS reports. Bob Porter: [to Bob] I'll
handle this. Bob Porter: [to Lumbergh] We
feel that the
problem isn't with Peter. Bob Slydell: [shaking his head] Uh-um. Bob Porter: It's
that you haven't challenged him enough to get him really motivated. Bob Slydell: There
it is. Bill Lumbergh: Yeah.
I'm just not sure about that right now. Bob Porter: Yeah,
Bill, let me
ask you a real quick question here. How much time would you say you
spend each week dealing with these TPS reports? Bill Lumbergh: Yeah...
[Peter in casual clothes
is sitting at his cubicle with only one wallesk, munching
chips and playing computer game] Bill Lumbergh: So,
Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have
those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons:
No. Bill Lumbergh: Uh.
Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk.
Hmm? Peter Gibbons: Not
right now, Lumbergh, I'm...I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna
ask you to go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting
with the Bobs in a couple of minutes. Bill Lumbergh:
Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons:
Yeah, they called me at home. [Peter walks away] Bill Lumbergh: That
sounds good, Peter. And uh, we'll go ahead and get this all
fixed up for you. Great.
Bill Lumbergh: Hi,
Milton. What's happening? Milton Waddams: I,
I, I, I, I didn't receive my paycheck this week. Bill Lumbergh: Um,
you're gonna have to talk to Payroll about that. Milton Waddams: I
did and, and
they said... Bill Lumbergh: Milt,
gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into Storage B. Milton Waddams: No...I...I... Bill Lumbergh: Uh,
we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can
get. Milton Waddams: No...no,
told, if, no...no...but there's no space... Bill Lumbergh: So
if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down
there, that would be terrific. Okay? [he walks away] Milton Waddams: Uh,
I believe you have my staple?
Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. Peter Gibbons:
I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob. [they all start laughing]
Bob Slydell: I...I'm
you...you've, you've heard some of
the rumors circulating around the hallways about how we're going to be
little 'housecleaning' with some of the software people. Peter Gibbons: Well,
Bob, I have heard that and you gotta do what you gotta do. Bob Porter: We're
getting rid of these people here. Uh, first, Mr.
Samir Nagahe... Bob
Slydell: Naga... Bob Porter: Naga...Not
work here anymore, anyway! [the Bobs laugh] Bob Slydell: And
Mike Bolton. Who's gonna miss him? Peter Gibbons: You're
gonna layoff Samir and Michael? Bob Porter: Oh,
gonna bring in some uh, entry level graduates for us to work in
that's the usual deal. Bob Slydell: Well,
it's standard operating procedure. Peter Gibbons: Do
they know about this yet? Bob Slydell: No!
No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a
Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an
incident if you do it at the end of the week. Anyway, Peter, what we
would like to do is put you into a position to have as
many as four people working right underneath you. Bob Porter: This
is a big promotion, Pete. Bob Slydell: It's
huge. Peter Gibbons:
So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give me
more money? [both Bob's nod] Peter Gibbons: Wow!
[after Peter's just been
told by the Bob's that Michael and Samir are to be layed off] Peter Gibbons: Michael,
comes a point in a man's life and maybe that time for you is
now, when it doesn't hurt to start think about the future. Michael Bolton: Uh,
no offense, there, Peter, but speak for yourself there, sport. I'm not
one who's been flaking out at work. I know you had this religious
or whatever the hell that was, but you better snap out of it and get
your shit together or you're gonna
Peter Gibbons: Listen,
virus you're always talking about. Like the one
that could uh, rip off the company for a bunch of money. Michael Bolton: Yeah?
What about it?
Peter Gibbons: Well,
how does it work? Michael Bolton: It's
pretty brilliant. What it does is every time there's a bank transaction
where interest is computed, you know, thousands a day, the computer
ends up with these fractions of a
cent, which it usually rounds off. What this does is it takes those
remainders and puts it into an account. Peter Gibbons: This
sounds familiar. Michael Bolton: Yeah.
They did it in Superman III. Peter Gibbons: Right Michael Bolton: Yeah.
great movie actually. And
there were a
bunch of hackers that did this in the 70's as well. One of them got
busted. Peter Gibbons: Well,
so they check for this now? Michael Bolton: No,
thing. Initech's so backed up with all the software
we're updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice. Peter Gibbons: You're
right. And even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code. Michael Bolton: Thumbs
their asses. Thumbs up their asses. Peter Gibbons: So,
Michael, what's to stop you from doing this? Michael Bolton: It's
not worth the risk. I got a good job. Peter Gibbons: What
if you didn't have a good job?
[after finding out that
they are to be layed off] Michael Bolton:
Cockos! Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place.
And you, you
haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job. Peter Gibbons:
Actually, I'm being promoted. Michael Bolton: What?! Peter Gibbons: I
Michael. It's completely unfair. And I realized something today.
It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of
us together. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist
don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when
I saw that fat man keel over and die, Michael, we don't have a lot of
time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings
were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens
all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different
bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I
told those fudge-packers I liked
Michael Bolton's music. Peter Gibbons:
Oh. That is not
right, Michael. For five years now, you've worked your
at Initech, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing or
something. Five years of your mid-twenty's now, gone. And you're gonna
in tomorrow and they're gonna throw you out on the street. You know
why? So that Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point. Michael Bolton: [angrily] Ahh! Peter Gibbons:
make that stock go down. And let's take enough money out of that place
so that we never, ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. Your
software works, right? Michael Bolton: Of
works. That's not the point. Look, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know
how to install it. I don't know the credit union software loan well
enough, okay? Peter Gibbons:
Yeah. But Samir
[after Peter's told
Samir about his
plan of stealing from Initech] Peter Gibbons:
Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed
around. Aren't you? Samir: Yes,
Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal. Peter Gibbons:
Illegal? Samir, this is America! Come on, sit down. Come on! This isn't
Riyadh. You know
they're not gonna saw your hands off here, all right? The worst they
would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a
white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do
you know, they have conjugal visits there? Samir:
Really? Peter Gibbons:
Yes. Michael Bolton:
Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
[trying to decide if he
should go along with Peter's plan of stealing from Initech] Peter
you came here looking for a land of opportunity. And this is the knock
of that opportunity. Tomorrow's your last day at Initech. You have two
unemployment or early retirement. What's it gonna be?
have a question. Peter Gibbons: Yes? Samir:
In...in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women? Peter Gibbons: Yep,
you sure can. Samir: Okay,
I'll do it. Peter Gibbons: That's
what I'm talking about! I'm talking about America!
[referring to their plan
to steal from Initech] Peter Gibbons:
But listen, before we go any further, all right, we have to
that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no
girlfriends, nobody. Samir: Of
course. Michael Bolton: Agreed. [from the next apartment
through the wall] Lawrence:
Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either. Michael Bolton: Who
the fuck is that? Peter Gibbons: No,
don't worry about him. He's cool. All right.
[Drew's just told Peter,
Michael the story of Tom getting laid off and his botched suicide
attempt and getting hit by a drunk driver] Peter Gibbons: Is
he okay? Drew: Sort
of. He broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back. But
check it out. He's gonna get a huge settlement out of this. Like seven
figures. He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow and he's gonna
throw a big party this weekend to celebrate. We're all invited. I'm
thinking I might take that
new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O
face. "Oh...Oh...Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about.
Right. See you guys there.
Michael Bolton: Wow,
our last day at Initech. Samir: I
can't believe they had security escort us out. Not like we're going to
steal something. Peter Gibbons: I
stole something. Michael Bolton: Oh,
yeah. I guess we all did. Peter Gibbons: No,
I stole something else. Samir: What
did you steal? Peter Gibbons: We'll
call it a going away present. [cut to them in a field
taking turns to bashing the printer from their office to pieces]
they've been dancing and drinking] Samir: [rapping] Back up
in your ass with
[trying to explain their
plan of stealing from Initech] Peter Gibbons: All
right, so when the sub routine compounds the interest, right, it uses
extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the
whole thing, we just, we round them all down and just drop the
remainder into an
account that we opened. Joanna: [confused] So
you're stealing? Peter Gibbons: Uh,
no. No, you don't understand. Uh, it's very complicated. It's
aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And uh, over
time they add up to a lot. Joanna: Oh,
okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right? Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Joanna:
Right. It's not yours? Peter Gibbons: Uh,
it becomes ours. Joanna: How
is that not stealing? Peter Gibbons:
I don't uh...I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Joanna: Okay. Peter Gibbons:
Um...the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray? Joanna: From
the cripple children? Peter Gibbons:
No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. The....the...you know
that are for everybody? Joanna: Oh,
for everybody. Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
those are whole pennies. Joanna: Right. Peter Gibbons: All
just talking about fractions of a
penny here, okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a
a million times. So, what's wrong with that?
[after Peter's explained
about how he
took money from Initech] Joanna: I
dunno, it just seems wrong. Peter Gibbons: It's
not wrong! Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all right?
Chotchkie's is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in
the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair? Joanna: Yeah,
but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register. Peter Gibbons: Well,
maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair they
made the Jews wear. Joanna: