Office
Space
Quotes: Wickedly Funny!
(Total
Quotes: 89)
Office Space quotes are a hilarious study of life in a 'cubicle' to which just about everyone can relate, well, at least everyone who has ever had to get up every day, go to work, then go home and do it all over again the next day! Life in the office couldn't be portrayed more accurately than in this wicked satire and the more you watch this movie the funnier it gets. The characters, story and dialogue are very sharp and wickedly humorous. If you hate your job and want to feel a little better about it then this movie is for you. Cheer yourself up with this collection of Office Space quotes.
Directed by: Mike Judge
Written by: Mike Judge (screenplay & Milton animated shorts)
Starring:
Ron Livingston - Peter Gibbons
Jennifer Aniston - Joanna
David Herman - Michael Bolton
Ajay Naidu - Samir Nagheenanajar
Diedrich Bader - Lawrence
Stephen Root - Milton Waddams
Gary Cole - Bill Lumbergh
Richard Riehle - Tom Smykowski
Alexandra Wentworth - Anne
Joe Bays - Dom Portwood
John C. McGinley - Bob Slydell
Paul Willson - Bob Porter
Kinna McInroe - Nina
Todd Duffey - Brian
Greg Pitts - Drew
Michael McShane - Dr. Swanson
Mike Judge - Stan
Orlando Jones - Steve
Barbara George-Reiss - Peggy
Office
Space Quotes Page
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[first
lines; Samir is
sitting in traffic, he grabs the steering wheel and shakes it in
frustration]Samir: Mother...shitter...son of a... ass! You...I just!
[punches steering wheel]
[answering the different phone lines]
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
[she repeats this over and over]
Bill Lumbergh: Hello, Peter. What's happening? Uh…we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I, I forgot.
Bill Lumbergh: Mmmm...yeah. You see, we're putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have the memo right here. I just uh...forgot. But, uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow, so there's no problem.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mmmkay? Bye bye, Peter.
Peter Gibbons: No, I...I have the memo. I've got it. It's right...
[Lumbergh isn't listening and walks away from Peter's cubicle]
[Peter can hear the sound of a radio coming from Milton's cubicle which is next to his]
Peter Gibbons: Milton? Hi, uh...could you turn that down just a little bit?
Milton Waddams: But I...I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I'm collating….
Peter Gibbons: Yeah,
no,
no. I know you're allowed to. I was just thinking maybe like, you know,
a
personal favor?Milton Waddams: Well, I, I told Bill that if...if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones while she's...while she's filing, then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating.
Peter Gibbons: Uh-huh.
Milton Waddams: So I don't see why...
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Milton Waddams: ...I should have to turn down the radio...
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. All right. Okay.
Milton Waddams: ...because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
[Peter walks back to his seat in his cubicle]
Peter Gibbons: Thanks, Milton.
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
[he walks away. Peter's phone rings and he answers it]
Peter Gibbons: Peter Gibbons.
[he listens then answer]
Peter Gibbons: Yes. I have the memo.
[standing
by the printer
Samir sees
that there's a paper jam]Samir: Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?!! I swear to God, one of these days, I...I...I just kick this piece of shit out the window!
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
[Samir grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it]
Samir: Piece of shit!
Female Temp: Michael...Bolton?
Michael Bolton: That's me.
Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: Yeah.
Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy?
Michael Bolton: No, it's just a coincidence.
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's...it's not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm...well, why don't you just uh...go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What's up, G?
Peter Gibbons: Wanna go to Chotchkie', get some coffee?
Samir: It's a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days...one of these days it's just gonna be like...
[he mimics a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, does it too, in Peter's face]
Brian: [laughing] So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
Peter
Gibbons:
What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I...I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doing it, because, uh...because I'm a big pussy. Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, okay?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
[Peter notices Joanna talking to her boss]
Peter Gibbons: Oh, there she is.
Samir: Peter, you, you always talk about this girl. If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?
Peter Gibbons: No, I can't do that! I'm just another asshole customer. You can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.
Peter Gibbons: Oh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday. Uh, I'm gonna see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
Michael Bolton: Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I...I know! Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. You know, sometimes I think that...I keep thinking that she's cheating on me.
Michael Bolton: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Samir: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: What is that supposed to mean?
Michael Bolton: Nothing. Look, why don't you just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis and you want to play poker with us?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off. And besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she's anorexic!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist is gonna help you solve any of your problems.
[to Peter]
Michael Bolton: Hey, and speaking of problems, what's this I hear about you having problems with your TPS reports?
Samir: Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
[Peter sigh]
Tom Smykowski: Have you seen this? I knew it! I knew it!
[he hands them a piece of paper]
Michael Bolton: What? It's the staff meeting. So what?
Tom Smykowski: So what? We're all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech.
Samir: What are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?
Tom Smykowski: How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know. That's what this staff meeting is all about! It happened at Initrode last year. You have to interview with this consultant, they call in efficiency experts. But what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job!
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're gonna lose your job and you're still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those scumbags!
Tom Smykowski: You know there are people in this world that don't have to put up with
all this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind, come up with some
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Michael Bolton: That is the worse idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Tom Smykowski: Ah, look..uh...I gotta get outta here. I'll see you guys later, if I still have a job.
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars, didn't have to work. And invariably whatever you'd say that was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto-mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who work in uh, securities...
Michael Bolton: Samir...Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
[printer starts beeping, Michael reads the printer's display]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
[he knocks off the paper tray]
[shouting through the wall from his apartment]
Lawrence: Hey Peter, man! check out channel nine, check out this chick!
Peter Gibbons: Dammit! Lawrence, can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?
Lawrence: Oh, sorry man! Ann over there or somethin'?
Peter Gibbons: No! But, if you wanna to talk to me, just come over.
Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit...
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess...I, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just...
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
Lawrence: We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, how?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him.
[Peter offers him a beer bottle opener]
Lawrence: That's all right, I got it. On the last few hours on Friday. Duck out early, turn off your answering machine. You should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A, man!
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man; two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He's broke, don't do shit.
[addressing the staff]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, y'know, if you want to, go ahead and uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
[talking on the phone to Peter]
Milton Waddams: But I, I said, I, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I,
then
I'm
quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be
over by
the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but
then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I
kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept
the staples for the Swingline stapler.Peter Gibbons: Okay, Milton.
Milton Waddams: No, it's not okay because if they make me, if they, if they take my, my stapler then I...I'll...I'll have to, I'll set the building on fire...
Peter Gibbons: Okay, well that sounds uh...that sounds great. Uh...I'll talk to you later, all right. Bye.
[Peter tries to shut down his computer to leave early to avoid Lumbergh but he's too late]
Bill Lumbergh: Hello Peter. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. Mmmkay?
[he starts to walk away]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Uh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too. Okay? We, uh, lost some people this week and uh, we need to sorta catch up. Thanks.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, um...every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
Peter Gibbons: Is there any way that you could, sorta just sock me out so that like I...I don't know that I'm at work?
[pointing to his head]
Peter Gibbons: In here? Could I come home and think that I've been fishing all day or something?
Dr. Swanson: That's really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, beginning with your toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to relax your legs. You're beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy as you slip deeper and deeper into a state of complete relaxation. All your cares and concerns are disappearing. Deeper and deeper, way down, your concern about your job melts away. Way, way down. Now when I count backwards from three, you'll be in a state of complete relaxation. your worries, cares and ambitions will be gone. And you will remain in that state until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way, way down. Two. Deeper and deeper. Way down. On..On..One...
[Swanson faints and fall out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid, except for Peter]
[on the phone to Anne after sleeping in on the Saturday he's supposed to be at work]
Peter Gibbons: Huh?
Anne: It's three thirty. Why aren't you at work?!
Peter Gibbons: Because I...I...I didn't feel like it.
Anne: Peter, what's gotten into you? First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson dies and you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my friends. And don't blame this on hypnosis either. That's total bull!
[Peter hangs up. Anne calls back and Peter lets the call go the answering machine]
Anne: Listen, Asshole. Nobody hangs up on me. We're through! Oh...uh, and one more thing. I've been cheating on you!
[Peter gets back into bed]
Peter Gibbons: I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have
lunch with me?
Joanna: Are you...are you serious?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Yeah, um...I don't uh...think I'm supposed to do that.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. Okay, well I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go next door and get a
table and if you'd like to join me, uh...no big deal. All right? And if not, that's cool too. Okay?
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: All right.
[he starts to walk away]
Joanna: When you uh...say "next door", do you mean uh, Chili's or Flingers?
Peter Gibbons: Flingers.
Joanna: Okay.
[Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Tom]
Bob Slydell: What you do at Initech, is you take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers?
Tom Smykowski: Yes. Ye...yes. That...that's right.
Bob Porter: Well, then I just have to ask, why couldn't the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?
Tom Smykowski: Well, I...I'll tell you why. Uh, because engineers are not good at dealing with customers.
Bob Slydell: Uh-huh. So, you physically take the specs from the customer?
Tom Smykowski: Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or the fax.
Bob Slydell: Ah.
Bob Porter: So, then you must physically bring them to the software people.
Tom Smykowski: Well...no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
Bob Slydell: What...what would you say you do here?
Tom Smykowski: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so
the engineers don't have to. I have people skills. I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?!
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Total
Quotes: 89
