quotes are a
hilarious study of life in a 'cubicle' to which just about everyone can
relate, well, at least everyone who has ever had to get up every day,
go to work, then go home and do it all over again the next day! Life in
the office couldn't be portrayed more accurately than in this wicked
satire and the more you watch this movie the funnier it gets. The
characters, story and dialogue are very sharp and wickedly humorous. If
you hate your job and want to feel a little better about it then this
movie is for you. Cheer yourself up with this collection of
by: Mike Judge
Written by: Mike Judge (screenplay & Milton
- Peter Gibbons
Jennifer Aniston -
- Michael Bolton
- Samir Nagheenanajar
- Milton Waddams
Gary Cole -
- Tom Smykowski
Alexandra Wentworth -
Joe Bays -
John C. McGinley
- Bob Slydell
- Bob Porter
- Dr. Swanson
Orlando Jones -
lines; Samir is
sitting in traffic, he grabs the steering wheel and shakes it in
Mother...shitter...son of a... ass! You...I just!
[punches steering wheel]
[answering the different
Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
[she repeats this over
Peter. What's happening? Uh…we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You
apparently didn't put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
yeah. I'm sorry about that. I, I forgot.
see, we're putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they
go out. Did you see the memo about this?
Yeah. Yeah. I have the memo right here. I just uh...forgot.
uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow, so there's no
If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that
will be great. And uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy
of that memo. Mmmkay? Bye bye, Peter.
the memo. I've got it. It's right...
listening and walks
away from Peter's cubicle]
[Peter can hear the
sound of a radio
coming from Milton's cubicle which is next to his]
uh...could you turn that down just a little bit?
But I...I was told that I could listen to the radio at a
reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I'm collating….
no. I know you're allowed to. I was just thinking maybe like, you know,
I told Bill that if...if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones
she's...while she's filing, then I should be
able to listen to the radio while I'm collating.
I don't see
should have to turn down the radio...
listening at a
reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
[Peter walks back to his
seat in his
Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk
coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to
me about it.
Yeah. Did you get
Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the
problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care
of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports
before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to
do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
[he walks away. Peter's
and he answers it]
[he listens then answer]
have the memo.
by the printer
that there's a paper jam]
does it say
paper jam when there is no paper
jam?!! I swear to God, one of these days, I...I...I just kick this
piece of shit out the window!
You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
[Samir grabs the paper
out, tearing off the bottom part of it]
Is that your real name?
are you related to that singer guy?
it's just a coincidence.
one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's...it's not
hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about twelve
old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning
Hmm...well, why don't you just uh...go by Mike instead of Michael?
No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
What's up, G?
Wanna go to Chotchkie', get some coffee?
a little early.
I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
I'll tell ya, some days...one of these days it's just gonna be like...
[he mimics a machine
gun. Brian, a waiter, does it too, in Peter's face]
can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to
nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?
would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I...I
can tell already.
I'm gonna end up doing it, because, uh...because I'm a big pussy. Which
is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy,
I am also not a pussy.
[Peter notices Joanna
talking to her
Oh, there she is.
you, you always
talk about this girl. If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you
just ask her out?
No, I can't do that! I'm just another
customer. You can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.
Oh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able to
poker with you guys on Friday. Uh, I'm gonna see this
hypnotherapist with Anne.
An occupational hypnotherapist?!
Yeah. I...I know! Anne wants me to go. She
You know, sometimes I think that...I keep thinking that she's
I know what you mean.
What is that supposed to mean?
Look, why don't you just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis and
you want to
play poker with us?
I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off. And besides, I think that
the guy might actually be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose
Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
don't think any occupational hypnotherapist is gonna help you
solve any of your problems.
speaking of problems, what's this I hear about you having problems with
your TPS reports?
Didn't you get
this? I knew it! I knew it!
[he hands them a piece
staff meeting. So what?
all screwed, that's what! They're gonna downsize Initech.
are you talking
about Tom? How do you know that?
How do I know?
bringing in a consultant, that's how I know. That's what this staff
meeting is all about! It happened at Initrode last year. You
have to interview with this consultant, they call in
experts. But what you're really doing is interviewing for your
every week you say you're gonna lose your job and you're still here.
this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the
thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in
line with those scumbags!
know there are people in this world that don't have to put up with
this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see, that's
what you have to do. You have to use your mind, come up with some
really great idea like that, and you can make millions, never
to work again!
You think the pet rock was a really great
Sure it was. The
guy made a million dollars. You know, I
had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
was it, Tom?
Well, all right. It was a "Jump to
see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would
have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
is the worse idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
this is horrible,
look..uh...I gotta get outta here. I'll see you guys later, if I still
have a job.
[Peter, Michael, and
Samir are chatting around the printer]
high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would
a million dollars, didn't have to work. And invariably whatever you'd
say that was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old
cars then you're supposed to be an auto-mechanic.
what did you say?
I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
No, you're working at Initech because that
to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors,
because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest
half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over
to my friend Asadulah who work in uh, securities...
Samir...Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is
you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
[printer starts beeping,
Michael reads the printer's display]
"PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
[he knocks off the paper
[shouting through the
wall from his apartment]
Peter, man! check out channel nine, check out this chick!
can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?
Ann over there or somethin'?
But, if you
wanna to talk to me, just come over.
Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Yeah, a little bit...
Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Yeah. I guess...I, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's
cheating on me.
Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
What do you mean by that?
don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the
type of chick that just...
Let me ask you something. When you come in on
you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like
someone has a case of the Mondays?"
No. No, man. Shit,
no, man. I believe you'd get your ass
kicked sayin' something like that, man.
still goin' fishin' this weekend?
Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday. I just know it.
you can get out of that easily.
Well, when a boss wants you to work on a Saturday he generally asks you
at the end of the day, right?
all you gotta do is avoid him.
[Peter offers him a beer
all right, I
got it. On the last few hours on Friday. Duck
out early, turn off your answering machine. You should be home free,
That's a really good idea.
Fuckin' A, man!
Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?
tell you what I'd do, man; two chicks at the same time, man.
That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the
Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a
millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with
Well, not all chicks.
Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Well, what about you now? What would you do?
two chicks at the same time?
I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look
at my cousin. He's broke, don't do shit.
[addressing the staff]
Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So,
if you want to, go ahead and uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
[talking on the phone to
But I, I said,
I, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I
told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I,
quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be
the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but
then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I
kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept
the staples for the Swingline stapler.
okay because if they make me, if they, if they
take my, my stapler then I...I'll...I'll have to, I'll set the
building on fire...
Okay, well that sounds uh...that sounds great.
Uh...I'll talk to you later, all right. Bye.
[Peter tries to shut
down his computer to leave early to avoid Lumbergh but he's too late]
Hello Peter. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and
in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great.
[he starts to walk away]
oh, and I almost forgot. Uh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and
come in on Sunday too. Okay?
We, uh, lost some people this week and uh, we need to sorta catch up.
So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I
started working, um...every single day of my life has been worse than
day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me,
that's on the worst day of my life.
What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Wow, that's messed up.
way that you could, sorta just sock me out so that like I...I don't
know that I'm at work?
[pointing to his head]
here? Could I come
home and think that I've been fishing all day or something?
really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think I can
help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. I want you to try
and relax. I want you to relax every muscle in your body, beginning
toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to relax your legs. You're
beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy as you slip deeper
and deeper into a state of complete relaxation. All your cares and
concerns are disappearing. Deeper and deeper, way down, your concern
about your job
melts away. Way, way down. Now when I count backwards from three,
you'll be in a state of complete relaxation. your worries, cares and
ambitions will be gone. And you will remain in that state until I snap
my fingers. Three. Deeper and deeper. Way, way down. Two. Deeper and
[Swanson faints and fall
out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid, except for Peter]
[on the phone to Anne
after sleeping in on the Saturday he's supposed to be at work]
what's going on?!
three thirty. Why
aren't you at work?!
I...I...I didn't feel like it.
Peter, what's gotten into you? First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson
dies and you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my
friends. And don't blame this on hypnosis either. That's total bull!
up. Anne calls back and Peter lets the call go the answering
Listen, Asshole. Nobody hangs up on me. We're through! Oh...uh, and one
more thing. I've been cheating on you!
[Peter gets back into
what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have
lunch with me?
uh...think I'm supposed to do that.
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go next door and get a
table and if you'd like to join me, uh...no big deal. All right? And if
not, that's cool too. Okay?
[he starts to walk away]
"next door", do you mean uh, Chili's or Flingers?
[Bob Slydell and Bob
Porter are interviewing Tom]
What you do at Initech, is you take the specifications from the
you bring them down to the software engineers?
then I just
have to ask, why couldn't the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?
tell you why. Uh, because engineers are not good at dealing with
physically take the specs from the customer?
no, my, my secretary does that, or the fax.
you must physically bring them to the software people.
Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
you say you do here?
look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so
engineers don't have to. I have people skills. I am good at
dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong
with you people?!