Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Brie Larson, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle, DeRay Davis, Ice Cube, Dax Flame, Chris Parnell, Ellie Kemper, Jake M. Johnson, Nick Offerman, Holly Robinson Peete, Johnny Pemberton, Stanley Wong, Justin Hires, Brett Lapeyrouse, Lindsey Broad, Caroline Aaron, Joe Chrest



Buddy cop action comedy directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. The story follows two police officers, Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum), who are forced to relive high school when they are assigned to go undercover as high school students to prevent the outbreak of a new synthetic drug and arrest its supplier.


Best Quotes    (Total Quotes: 116)


[first lines; the movie opens in ‘The Year 2005’ Schmidt gets off the bus at high school, dressed like Eminem, he approaches a girl in the hallway]
Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.
Melodie: Hey.
Schmidt: Look, um, I know, uh, we’ve known each other for a really long time. And we live across the street from each other and stuff. And, uh, I know like, in four days. I’m sure uh, you know, prom’s like in four day…
Melodie: Oh, my God. You’re not asking me to prom, are you?
[Schmidt hears laughter from behind him and turns to see Jenko and his jock friends laughing at him]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck! No! No! I, no! No, I just, I mean, you probably going with someone.
Melodie: I’m sorry. I don’t know how to put this nicely.
Jenko: There’s not a nice way to put it. You’re a fucking nerd. And, you know, she’s, I don’t know, she’s hot.
[Schmidt looks at Jenko]
Jenko: Look at her. Look at her. Look at her! Look at her!
[Schmidt looking embarrassed turns to Melody]
Schmidt: I’ll see you later. I’ll see you later.
Melodie: Bye.
Jenko: Alright, buddy! Good talk!


[Jenko is called to the principle’s office]
Hamilton Principal: I’ll said it loud and clear, if you didn’t get your grades up, you weren’t going to the prom
[the principal holds up his paper which shows he’s got a grade F]
Hamilton Principal: You, my friend, are about to pay The Piper.
Jenko: I should pay who?
Hamilton Principal: You’re not going to the prom. Boy, you’re lucky you’re even graduating.
[Jenko laughs]
Jenko: But I’m going to be prom king.
Hamilton Principal: I’m glad you had a great time in school, because you ain’t learn nothing!


[‘7 Years Later’ Schmidt is entering the police academy, as he walks in, he sees that Jenko is line signing for the same training group, Jenko turns and notices Schmidt]
Jenko: Not so Slim Shady? What’s up? Holy shit!


[at the physical training camp, Jenko and Schmidt are partnered up, and Jenko quickly beats Schmidt]
Schmidt: You’re good at this, huh?
Jenko: Yeah, I am.


[at the class, Jenko gets his Officer’s Entrance Exam paper back with grade F]
Jenko: That’s bullshit!
[he looks over at Schmidt, who’s sat next to him, and sees he’s got a grade A on his paper]
Jenko: You’re really good at this.
Schmidt: Yeah, I am.
Jenko: Hey, you want to be friends?
[they team, Jenko helps Schmidt pass his physical and Schmidt helps Jenko pass his entrance exam paper]


[as they are about to graduate the academy]
Police Chief: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the graduates of Class One Thirty Seven.
[Jenko and Schmidt are standing next to each other]
Jenko: You ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfucker?
Schmidt: Oh, I am.
[cut to Schmidt and Jenko riding police bicycles around a park]
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions. And less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.


[telling off a kid who’s got food in his hand threatening to feed the ducks]
Schmidt: Sign says, ‘Do Not Feed the Ducks’.
Jenko: Right there.
[the kid holds out his hand, dangling the food over the lake]
Schmidt: Don’t you…!
Jenko: Don’t! Stop it!
Schmidt: Don’t
[the kid smiles and drops the food in the lake]
Schmidt: You did it. You fed the ducks. You feel like a big shot?


[Jenko and Schmidt notice a motorcycle gang in the park]
Jenko: No fucking way!
Schmidt: One Percenters? These guys are big time drug dealers. If we could take them down as our first bust, we’d be off park duty for sure.
[Jenko notices one of the men pass a joint to the other]
Jenko: You see what I see?
Schmidt: Cannabis sativa.
[Jenko puts on his sunglasses and goes to get his bicycle]
Jenko: Chaka Khan
Schmidt: Chaka Khan?


[as they approach the One Percenters smoking marijuana in the park]
Schmidt: Gentlemen, we having a little party?
Jenko: Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
Domingo: Well, I have, um, glaucoma.
One-Percenter #1: I get nervous in crowds.
Tom Hanson: Herpes.
[the others laugh, Jenko smacks the joint out of Domingo’s hand]
Jenko: Then you won’t mind if I search your bike now, would you?
Domingo: Go ahead. You won’t shit!


Domingo: Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
[the other one One Percenters laugh]
Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I’m DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake laugh]
Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It’s hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So why don’t you show us a little respect?
Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I’ll beat your dick off with both hands. What’s up? Let’s go.
One-Percenter #1: That’s weird, man!
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he’s going to punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick’s just going to fall off.


[as he searches Domingo’s bike and he pulls out a smile white bag out of the saddlebag]
Jenko: Why do you have soap in your…?
Schmidt: That’s actual drugs!
Jenko: Oh, my God!
[Jenko grabs his gun and points it at Domingo]
Jenko: Get on the ground!
[suddenly Domingo makes a run for it and the other One Percenters make a run for it in the opposite direction]
Jenko: Hey! Come here! Now!
[Jenko starts running after Domingo]
Schmidt: What do I do?
Jenko: Chase someone!
Schmidt: Chase someone? Are you leaving your bike here?
[Schmidt gets on his bike to chase after the other guys]


[as he catches and handcuffs Domingo]
Jenko: Come here! You have the right to…
[he doesn’t remember the Miranda rights]
Jenko: …suck my dick, motherfucker!


[back at police headquarters, after thinking they’ve captured Domingo]
Deputy Chief Hardy: The department was forced to drop the charges, because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights. What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing you have to do when arresting someone?
Jenko: I did read him his rights. I did a version of that.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: Yes.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Let’s hear them then.
Jenko: You got a lot of stuff do, you don’t, you got a lot of…
Deputy Chief Hardy: No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt? We have time.
Schmidt: I have a thing, but I can probably push it back.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Go ahead. It’s four declamatory sentences followed by a question, for a total of fifty seven words.
Jenko: Okay. Uh, it’s, look it obviously starts with; ‘You have the right to remain silent.’ I know you heard this before. And then, like, uh…
[Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: You have the right to an attorney.
Jenko: Oh, right! You have the right to remain an attorney. And…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.


Deputy Chief Hardy: Where were you?
Schmidt: I was chasing my perp, sir.
Deputy Chief Hardy: And how did that go for you?
Schmidt: He, honestly he did get away, and he threw me down pretty hard. I actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
[he holds up his injured elbow]
Deputy Chief Hardy: May I see that?
Schmidt: Yeah, actually it hurts because the dirt gets mushed into it.
[he holds his injured elbow close to Hardy and suddenly Hardy flips his finger hard at it]
Schmidt: Ow!


Deputy Chief Hardy: Fortunately for you two, we’re reviving a canceled undercover police programme from the eighties, and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas. So all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice. One of these programmes involves the use of young immature seeming officers.
Jenko: So you’re saying that you’re going to send us into like a child sex slavery ring?
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody’s dick, I will. It’s just I prefer not to.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I think you idiots are perfect. You’re officially transferred.
Schmidt: Alright.
Jenko: That’s great. Uh, where should we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street.
[he pauses for a moment]
Deputy Chief Hardy: No, that doesn’t sound right. It’s, uh…


[Schmidt and Jenko pull up at 21 Jump Street, at an old abandoned Korean church, they are met by Captain Dickson]
Captain Dickson: Everybody comfortable?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Captain Dickson: Get your motherfucking ass up when I’m talking!
[everybody stands]
Captain Dickson: You will be going undercover as high school students. You are here simply because you look young. You some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus looking motherfuckers.
[Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: Captain’s sassy.
Captain Dickson: I know what you’re thinking. Angry, black Captain. It ain’t nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well guess what, motherfuckers? I’m black and I worked my ass off to be the Captain! And sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick! What I’m trying to show you is, embrace your stereotypes. Like this guy, right here.
[points to Jenko]
Captain Dickson: Handsome and he’s probably a dummy.
[points to Schmidt]
Captain Dickson: And then this guy. He’s short and insecure, and he’s probably good with money.
[Jenko whispers to Schmidt]
Jenko: Well, you are good with money.
Schmidt: Fuck.


[to Jenko and Schmidt who have come to the meeting with their police uniforms]
Captain Dickson: Didn’t somebody tell you tell you guys this was a undercover unit?
Schmidt: I don’t, I actually didn’t, I didn’t get a letter or anything.
Jenko: Yeah, like start…
Schmidt: Or a dress code…
Captain Dickson: Teenage the fuck up!


[as they are all getting ready to go undercover]
Captain Dickson: Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy?
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the system knows you’re here. Alright? Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.
Captain Dickson: Rule number two. Burns?
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
[Dickson looks straight at Jenko]
Captain Dickson: You hear that? That’s you. Don’t do it, man.
Jenko: Why is he…?
Captain Dickson: Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don’t fuck no students. Don’t fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of ladykillers, but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.
Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn’t talking to you, big titties! You cherub looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here, Fake ass handsome McGee! When I’m talking to him, I’m talking to him. When I say, shut the fuck up, I’m talking to you.
Schmidt: Cool.
Captain Dickson: Now, you two sons of bitches in my office, now! Right now!


[in his office Dickson shows them a youtube video of a teenager taking a drug]
Captain Dickson: It’s a new synthetic drug, goes by the street name, HFS.
[Dickson puts the video of the teenager on youtube back on after he’s taken the drug]
Jenko: They put this on the internet for everybody to see?
Captain Dickson: They’re teenager, man. They’re really stupid, so you should blend right in.
[they continue to watch the kid going through phases of getting high on the drug]
Jenko: I could watch this all day!
Schmidt: Man, this kid rules.
Captain Dickson: Ruled. His parents found him OD’d in his room a few days ago. He’s dead. Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before. And as you can see, this kid is white. That means, people actually give a shit.
Schmidt: Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.


Captain Dickson: Right now, HFS is contained right there at Sagan High. Now once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days. Jenko, I looked at your old transcript. I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses, like, photography and drama. Get in with he burnouts and the cool kids, find out who’s slinging this shit.
[looking at Schmidt’s file]
Captain Dickson: Schmidt, it says you were a virgin through high school.
Schmidt: It says that?
Captain Dickson: No, I just assumed it. Due to your many years on the honor role and your membership to the juggling squad.
Schmidt: It’s a juggling society, but it’s fine. It’s fine.
Captain Dickson: They’re stealing the equipment from the chemistry lab. That’s what we think they’re cooking the dope with. I enrolled you into honors chemistry. Here’s your new identities. Brad and Doug McQuade. The mission is this, infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko: We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko: What if we find the supplier first? We don’t have to worry about the dealer?
Captain Dickson: Goddamn! Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!


[Schmidt goes to pray at the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
Schmidt: Hey, Korean Jesus. I don’t know if you cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist. No offense. I’m just really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven’t made our first arrest or maybe I’m not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don’t want to fuck this up. I’m sorry for swearing so much. The end? I don’t really know how to end a prayer. The end? Yeah.
[we see Jenko sneaking up behind Schmidt and starts to laugh at him, at that point Dickson opens the window from his office and shouts at them]
Captain Dickson: Hey! Hey! Stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain’t got time for your problems! He’s busy, with Korean shit! You two get to your mama’s house, ASAP!
Schmidt: What?
Captain Dickson: You’re teenagers now! Alright? You two are staying at Schmidt’s parents house for the duration of this assignment.
[Schmidt whispers to himself]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck me.


[at Schmidt’s parents house, we see they have pictures of Schmidt from when he was young, all over their living room wall]
Schmidt: Guys, can we, can we get rid of this stuff? I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven’t moved on.
David Schmidt: If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.
[pointing the picture of himself when he was young posing naked]
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years! But completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
David Schmidt: That is a great picture, Morton.
Annie Schmidt: Mmhmm.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
Annie Schmidt: Um…
Schmidt: No! I remember! You know why? Because I told it to a therapist about eight thousand times!
[Jenko starts to crack up, Schmidt points to a medal]
Schmidt: I mean this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It’s literally a medal for sucking!
Annie Schmidt: Now! Now!
David Schmidt: That is a medal for trying.
Annie Schmidt: Yes.
[turning to Jenko]
David Schmidt: Let me tell you something, this guy was always a great trier.


[as the door bell at Schmidt’s parents rings]
Annie Schmidt: Oh, that must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.
Schmidt: What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She’s going to tell the whole neighborhood! I told you, it’s an undercover assignment! It’s super secretive!
Annie Schmidt: Undercover, that’s so cute.
Schmidt: AAh! I’m going upstairs.


[as Schmidt looks through their high school files]
Schmidt: If you don’t know your identity, we’re screwed tomorrow. You got to study this stuff.
Jenko: Forget those identities, they’re bullshit! It says I was held back a year.
Schmidt: You were. You were held back two years.
Jenko: Just because it’s a fake back story, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
[as Jenko gets his clothes ready for their first day at school]
Jenko: Fuck! Socks don’t match. Now I got to start all over. First day at school, dude. got to look awesome.
Schmidt: You know, back in the day you were super popular and I wasn’t, as much. We didn’t really get along in high school. You don’t think that’s going to happen again, do you?
Jenko: No. Come on, man. We’re adults now, we’re best buds. That stuff ain’t going to happen again. We’re good.
Schmidt: Cool.


[as they get ready in the morning for school, they practice saying the Miranda rights, but Jenko still doesn’t know the proper words]
Schmidt: Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You’re a cop!
Jenko: Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.


[as they are about to leave the house for school]
Schmidt: Alright, let’s do it.
Jenko: Woh! Woh! Woh!
Schmidt: What?
Jenko: What are you doing?
Schmidt: What? What are you talking about?
Jenko: Are you two strapping?
Schmidt: My backpack? Yeah.
Jenko: I got to be seen with you. You got to one strap it. Seriously, I’d have no strap if that would even be possible.
Schmidt: Okay, what makes you the expert?
Jenko: I was, uh, cooler in high school than you were.
Schmidt: Okay, that makes sense. Continue.


Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Schmidt: Mmhmm.
Jenko: One; don’t try hard at anything. Okay? Two; make fun of people who do try. Three; be handsome. Four; if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five; drive a kick-ass car.
[as they walk up to car they’ll be driving in, Jenko sees it’s an old run down car]
Jenko: Shit.


[they go to a police impound lot to get a decent muscle car]
Officer Judy Hoffs: Alright, just don’t be driving it like teenage kids, revving up the engine and shit. Okay?
Schmidt: We would never!
Jenko: Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit
[cut to scene of them revving up the engine]


[as they mess around jumping across the car, Jenko does it perfectly, then when it comes to Schmidt’s turn he crashes into the windscreen and falls to the ground]
Jenko: You okay?
Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.


[when they arrive at Sagan they see that all the kids using two straps to wear their backpacks]
Schmidt: Dude, everybody’s two strapping it.
Jenko: Just stay with the one strap.
Schmidt: I can’t! I can’t! I can’t ride it out.
[he puts both straps of his backpack on]
Jenko: What are you doing? What are you doing? Don’t succumb to the pier pressure. What are you doing?
Schmidt: You’re supposed to use two straps! One strap is pier pressure.
Jenko: No! No! You’re fucking it up.


[as they walk down the school parking lot, they take note of all the different groups]
Jenko: Okay, those are Goths. Those are nerds.
[looking at a group of kids that don’t have an obvious look to them]
Jenko: I don’t know what they are.
[referring to a group of girls who all have dressed alike]
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?
Jenko: I’m so confused right now.


Eric Molson: Hey, is that your car?
Jenko: Yeah.
Eric Molson: What’s that thing get, ten miles to the gallon?
Jenko: No, try like, seven. What about you?
Zack: Biodiesel.
Schmidt: Smells like egg rolls.
Eric Molson: Yeah, it does. Runs on left over fry oil from Hutong Palace, but we try ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and what-not.
Jenko: Whatever, man. I don’t care about anything.
Eric Molson: Oh, you don’t care about the environment? That’s kind of fucked up, man.


[to Jenko and Eric]
Juario: Hey, will you all shut the hell up! I’m trying to study.
[Jenko laughs]


Jenko: Look at him! He’s trying. He’s actually trying! What a nerd? Look at the nerd. Look at him. Look at the nerd.
Juario: Who are you calling a nerd, man?
Jenko: I’m sorry. What was…?
[suddenly Jenko punches Juario in the face, knocking him to the ground]
Schmidt: Shit, dude!
Eric Molson: Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?
Jenko: Turn that gay-assed music off!
Juario: You punched me because I’m gay?
Jenko: What? No!
[all the kids in the school parking lot circle around them]
Jenko: Oh, come on!
Schmidt: That’s not cool, man.
Eric Molson: That is really insensitive.
Jenko: I didn’t punch him because he’s gay. I punched him, and then he’s happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.
Juario: I was gay when you punched me!
Schmidt: In a weird way it might have been homophobic not to punch you, just because you are gay.


[after Jenko’s punched Juario, both Jenko and Schmidt end up in the Principles office]
Principal Dadier: You punched a little gay black kid in the face? It’s not even second period. How do you explain that?
Jenko: Mr. Dadier, I’m so sorry about that. I just…
Principal Dadier: Guys, I’m going to relate to you. Okay? A kid died the other day from drugs. And nobody, including me, is doing anything about it. That’s weird, guys. And then you two show up with thirty days left, causing trouble in my school! I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous break down! Do I make myself clear? You guys cross my line again, and you walk into this office, I’m going to expel you. You got me?


Principal Dadier: Alright, let’s do this? Which of you is Doug?
[neither Schmidt and Jenko replies]
Principal Dadier: Let’s do that again and pretend you guys are weird. Which one of you is named Doug?
[Schmidt looks at Jenko as if to say you are Doug; Jenko looks at Schmidt and whispers]
Jenko: No, dude. I’m Brad.
Principal Dadier: Okay, good. So that means your name is Doug, son.
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m Doug.
Principal Dadier: Great. Here are your class schedules.
[to Jenko]
Principal Dadier: You know, it’s funny. I wouldn’t have taken you for the brainy type. I wouldn’t.
[to Schmidt]
Principal Dadier: And you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
Schmidt: Thank you.


[after leaving the principles office]
Schmidt: Now we have the wrong identities, you dumbass! I’m in drama! I suck at drama! It’s girlie, embarrassing.
Jenko: Oh, my God! Relax, dude. Who cares? I can fake my way through band practice and AP Chemistry for a few weeks.
Schmidt: A.P. Chemistry! A.P. Chemistry! No, you can’t! Because you didn’t even know what it’s actually fucking called!
Jenko: It’s going to be fine. You go to my classes and I’m going to go to yours. Okay, now chemistry is the one with the shapes and shit, right?
[Schmidt looks away in disgust]


[in drama class, Schmidt starts talking Eric’s girlfriend asking about the kid that OD’d]
Schmidt: Hey, it’s really sad about that kid. He was talented.
Molly Tracey: So are you saying if he wasn’t talented it would be less sad?
Schmidt: No! No! No! No! I, uh, that’s not what I meant.
Molly Tracey: I was just busting you balls.
[Schmidt laughs]
Schmidt: Oh! Okay. Good.


Schmidt: Do kids still do this stuff? Even after what happened to him?
Molly Tracey: Everyone’s saying that Billy had a heart murmur. Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it’s just not my thing.
Schmidt: It’s not really my thing either, but a buddy of mine really wants it. Who would he call if he wanted it?
Molly Tracey: Well you can tell your friend, if he really wanted it, it’s not so hard to find.
[she looks at a graffiti with a phone number, Schmidt realizes this is the dealers number]
Schmidt: Thank you.
Molly Tracey: Oh, you’re welcome.
[Schmidt starts to texts the dealer]


[as Schmidt is texting the dealer in drama class, his phone makes loud beeping noise]
Mr. Gordon: New person. Mister textie-textie, since you have so much to say to Molly, let’s see if you can be Peter to our Wendy. You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
Schmidt: Uh, I can’t. I’m fine just being a tree or something.
Mr. Gordon: Doug, you never won’t know what you can’t achieve if before you don’t achieve it.
[Schmidt looks at Gordon confused]
Mr. Gordon: My point is, you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.


[in the Chemistry class]
Ms. Griggs: Time for pop quiz nose.
Jenko: A what?
Ms. Griggs: Oh, I’m sorry. What? Is your name Brad?
Jenko: Brad. Yes, ma’am.
[Griggs looks at Jenko and how muscular he is]
Ms. Griggs: Wow! Look at you, Brad! Big. Uh, what is a, what is a pop quiz nose? It’s a quiz and the first person who finishes gets a ten dollar gift certificate to quiz nose.


Zach: You look really old. Were you held back or something?
Jenko: No. You’re super young. Were you held forward?
[Jenko realizes what he just said doesn’t make sense]
Jenko: I went to school in France, so and they do like, they do like two extra years of middle school there, it’s so lame.
[Zach speaks in French]
Zach: [subtitled] French, the language of love.
Jenko: Oh, that’s cool, man. It’s nice to meet you also.


[in drama class, Schmidt is auditioning for part of Peter Pan by singing, which he does very badly]
Mr. Gordon: Okay. Um, maybe try one cooler, and faster, and louder, and better, and less insecure, and more just cool.
[at that moment Schmidt’s phone beeps with text message from the dealer telling him to meet him in 5 mins at the Yearbook office]
Schmidt: Um, okay. Uh, yep, those are great notes. I’m just going to, I’m going to run outside. I’m going to utilize those and I’m going to come back.


[in Chemistry class, Jenko not understanding the questions on the pop quiz quickly guesses the answers and goes up the teacher with his paper]
Ms. Griggs: Wow! You’re fast. Not like that. Just let me check you out. I mean, check out your chest. Check out your test. I mean, I’m going to grade your quiz.
[at that moment Schmidt texts Jenko to tell him that he’s meet him in the hallway]
Jenko: Um, can, uh, can I go take a dump?
Ms. Griggs: Yeah, okay. That’s cool. Oh, uh, we have this hurry back rule. So if you’re not back in six minutes I have to send you to the principle. Rules are rules. So I guess this will have to be a quickie.


[as Schmidt and Jenko turn up at the Yearbook office they see Eric Molson is the dealer]
Eric Molson: You guys, huh?
Schmidt: Um, that was a total mix up, what happened earlier.
Jenko: Yeah.
Schmidt: He feels awful.
Jenko: Totally. I was really nervous.
Schmidt: You’re a dealer? You’re the dealer guy?
Jenko: Is that you?
Eric Molson: Yep.
Schmidt: So do you make this stuff or…
Eric Molson: What, do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.
Jenko: He just sells it, man.
Schmidt: No, I’m sorry. I’m just…
Eric Molson: How many you guys want? Twenty bucks a pops.
Schmidt: Like one each. One pop each of drugs.


[as he’s about to give the the drug]
Eric Molson: Hey, you guys aren’t narcs, are you?
[Schmidt and Jenko laugh nervously]
Jenko: Woh!
Schmidt: We ain’t narcs!
Jenko: Woh! Woh!
Schmidt: Dude, come on!
Jenko: Maybe you’re the narc!
Eric Molson: Hey, you know who calls people narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself because if you call us narcs…
Jenko: Mmhmm.
Schmidt: If narcs call people narcs…
Jenko: Yeah, because it..
Schmidt: And you called us narcs, then that’s kind of
Jenko: You just said that.
Eric Molson: Okay, I’m on top if this shit! You guys want to do this or not? Jesus!
Schmidt: Yes! Yes!
Jenko: Yes! No problem.


[Eric holds out the bag of drugs]
Eric Molson: Alright, take it so I know you’re cool.
Jenko: Um, I’m sorry. What? We were going to take it home.
Schmidt: I got to go back to class is the only thing.
Jenko: I was thinking that I was going to go home, maybe turn down the lights, getting snuggly, get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was going to take it and then masturbate later.
Eric Molson: Yeah, I’m not asking. Take it now or get the fuck out. I got to finish the girls volleyball page by lunch. Yeah?
[reluctantly Jenko and Schmidt take the drug from Eric]
Schmidt: Yeah. No, it’s all good.
Jenko: I love doing drugs at school.
Schmidt: Just, uh, take the drugs right here. Put it in our mouths and, uh…
Eric Molson: There you go, that’s it.
[Jenko and Schmidt take the drugs out of the plastic bag and put it in their mouth]
Jenko: What’s that? Barbecue flavor?
Eric Molson: Have fun.


Total Quotes: 116