Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Brie Larson, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle, DeRay Davis, Ice Cube, Dax Flame, Chris Parnell, Ellie Kemper, Jake M. Johnson, Nick Offerman, Holly Robinson Peete, Johnny Pemberton, Stanley Wong, Justin Hires, Brett Lapeyrouse, Lindsey Broad, Caroline Aaron, Joe Chrest
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Buddy cop action comedy directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. The story follows two police officers, Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum), who are forced to relive high school when they are assigned to go undercover as high school students to prevent the outbreak of a new synthetic drug and arrest its supplier.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 116)
[first lines; the movie opens in ‘The Year 2005’ Schmidt gets off the bus at high school, dressed like Eminem, he approaches a girl in the hallway]
Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.
Schmidt: Look, um, I know, uh, we’ve known each other for a really long time. And we live across the street from each other and stuff. And, uh, I know like, in four days. I’m sure uh, you know, prom’s like in four day…
Melodie: Oh, my God. You’re not asking me to prom, are you?
[Schmidt hears laughter from behind him and turns to see Jenko and his jock friends laughing at him]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck! No! No! I, no! No, I just, I mean, you probably going with someone.
Melodie: I’m sorry. I don’t know how to put this nicely.
Jenko: There’s not a nice way to put it. You’re a fucking nerd. And, you know, she’s, I don’t know, she’s hot.
[Schmidt looks at Jenko]
Jenko: Look at her. Look at her. Look at her! Look at her!
[Schmidt looking embarrassed turns to Melody]
Schmidt: I’ll see you later. I’ll see you later.
Jenko: Alright, buddy! Good talk!
[Jenko is called to the principle’s office]
Hamilton Principal: I’ll said it loud and clear, if you didn’t get your grades up, you weren’t going to the prom
[the principal holds up his paper which shows he’s got a grade F]
Hamilton Principal: You, my friend, are about to pay The Piper.
Jenko: I should pay who?
Hamilton Principal: You’re not going to the prom. Boy, you’re lucky you’re even graduating.
Jenko: But I’m going to be prom king.
Hamilton Principal: I’m glad you had a great time in school, because you ain’t learn nothing!
[‘7 Years Later’ Schmidt is entering the police academy, as he walks in, he sees that Jenko is line signing for the same training group, Jenko turns and notices Schmidt]
Jenko: Not so Slim Shady? What’s up? Holy shit!
[at the physical training camp, Jenko and Schmidt are partnered up, and Jenko quickly beats Schmidt]
Schmidt: You’re good at this, huh?
Jenko: Yeah, I am.
[at the class, Jenko gets his Officer’s Entrance Exam paper back with grade F]
Jenko: That’s bullshit!
[he looks over at Schmidt, who’s sat next to him, and sees he’s got a grade A on his paper]
Jenko: You’re really good at this.
Schmidt: Yeah, I am.
Jenko: Hey, you want to be friends?
[they team, Jenko helps Schmidt pass his physical and Schmidt helps Jenko pass his entrance exam paper]
[as they are about to graduate the academy]
Police Chief: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the graduates of Class One Thirty Seven.
[Jenko and Schmidt are standing next to each other]
Jenko: You ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfucker?
Schmidt: Oh, I am.
[cut to Schmidt and Jenko riding police bicycles around a park]
Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions. And less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.
[telling off a kid who’s got food in his hand threatening to feed the ducks]
Schmidt: Sign says, ‘Do Not Feed the Ducks’.
Jenko: Right there.
[the kid holds out his hand, dangling the food over the lake]
Schmidt: Don’t you…!
Jenko: Don’t! Stop it!
[the kid smiles and drops the food in the lake]
Schmidt: You did it. You fed the ducks. You feel like a big shot?
[Jenko and Schmidt notice a motorcycle gang in the park]
Jenko: No fucking way!
Schmidt: One Percenters? These guys are big time drug dealers. If we could take them down as our first bust, we’d be off park duty for sure.
[Jenko notices one of the men pass a joint to the other]
Jenko: You see what I see?
Schmidt: Cannabis sativa.
[Jenko puts on his sunglasses and goes to get his bicycle]
Jenko: Chaka Khan
Schmidt: Chaka Khan?
[as they approach the One Percenters smoking marijuana in the park]
Schmidt: Gentlemen, we having a little party?
Jenko: Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?
Domingo: Well, I have, um, glaucoma.
One-Percenter #1: I get nervous in crowds.
Tom Hanson: Herpes.
[the others laugh, Jenko smacks the joint out of Domingo’s hand]
Jenko: Then you won’t mind if I search your bike now, would you?
Domingo: Go ahead. You won’t shit!
Domingo: Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
[the other one One Percenters laugh]
Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I’m DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake laugh]
Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It’s hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So why don’t you show us a little respect?
Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I’ll beat your dick off with both hands. What’s up? Let’s go.
One-Percenter #1: That’s weird, man!
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he’s going to punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick’s just going to fall off.
[as he searches Domingo’s bike and he pulls out a smile white bag out of the saddlebag]
Jenko: Why do you have soap in your…?
Schmidt: That’s actual drugs!
Jenko: Oh, my God!
[Jenko grabs his gun and points it at Domingo]
Jenko: Get on the ground!
[suddenly Domingo makes a run for it and the other One Percenters make a run for it in the opposite direction]
Jenko: Hey! Come here! Now!
[Jenko starts running after Domingo]
Schmidt: What do I do?
Jenko: Chase someone!
Schmidt: Chase someone? Are you leaving your bike here?
[Schmidt gets on his bike to chase after the other guys]
[as he catches and handcuffs Domingo]
Jenko: Come here! You have the right to…
[he doesn’t remember the Miranda rights]
Jenko: …suck my dick, motherfucker!
[back at police headquarters, after thinking they’ve captured Domingo]
Deputy Chief Hardy: The department was forced to drop the charges, because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights. What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing you have to do when arresting someone?
Jenko: I did read him his rights. I did a version of that.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Let’s hear them then.
Jenko: You got a lot of stuff do, you don’t, you got a lot of…
Deputy Chief Hardy: No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt? We have time.
Schmidt: I have a thing, but I can probably push it back.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Go ahead. It’s four declamatory sentences followed by a question, for a total of fifty seven words.
Jenko: Okay. Uh, it’s, look it obviously starts with; ‘You have the right to remain silent.’ I know you heard this before. And then, like, uh…
[Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: You have the right to an attorney.
Jenko: Oh, right! You have the right to remain an attorney. And…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Where were you?
Schmidt: I was chasing my perp, sir.
Deputy Chief Hardy: And how did that go for you?
Schmidt: He, honestly he did get away, and he threw me down pretty hard. I actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.
[he holds up his injured elbow]
Deputy Chief Hardy: May I see that?
Schmidt: Yeah, actually it hurts because the dirt gets mushed into it.
[he holds his injured elbow close to Hardy and suddenly Hardy flips his finger hard at it]
Deputy Chief Hardy: Fortunately for you two, we’re reviving a canceled undercover police programme from the eighties, and revamping it for modern times. You see the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas. So all they do now is recycle shit from the past and expect us all not to notice. One of these programmes involves the use of young immature seeming officers.
Jenko: So you’re saying that you’re going to send us into like a child sex slavery ring?
Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck somebody’s dick, I will. It’s just I prefer not to.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I think you idiots are perfect. You’re officially transferred.
Jenko: That’s great. Uh, where should we report to?
Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street.
[he pauses for a moment]
Deputy Chief Hardy: No, that doesn’t sound right. It’s, uh…
[Schmidt and Jenko pull up at 21 Jump Street, at an old abandoned Korean church, they are met by Captain Dickson]
Captain Dickson: Everybody comfortable?
Captain Dickson: Get your motherfucking ass up when I’m talking!
Captain Dickson: You will be going undercover as high school students. You are here simply because you look young. You some Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus looking motherfuckers.
[Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: Captain’s sassy.
Captain Dickson: I know what you’re thinking. Angry, black Captain. It ain’t nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well guess what, motherfuckers? I’m black and I worked my ass off to be the Captain! And sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick! What I’m trying to show you is, embrace your stereotypes. Like this guy, right here.
[points to Jenko]
Captain Dickson: Handsome and he’s probably a dummy.
[points to Schmidt]
Captain Dickson: And then this guy. He’s short and insecure, and he’s probably good with money.
[Jenko whispers to Schmidt]
Jenko: Well, you are good with money.
[to Jenko and Schmidt who have come to the meeting with their police uniforms]
Captain Dickson: Didn’t somebody tell you tell you guys this was a undercover unit?
Schmidt: I don’t, I actually didn’t, I didn’t get a letter or anything.
Jenko: Yeah, like start…
Schmidt: Or a dress code…
Captain Dickson: Teenage the fuck up!
[as they are all getting ready to go undercover]
Captain Dickson: Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy?
Fugazy: Do not get expelled.
Captain Dickson: Nobody in the system knows you’re here. Alright? Nobody. You get kicked out of school, your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.
Captain Dickson: Rule number two. Burns?
Burns: Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.
[Dickson looks straight at Jenko]
Captain Dickson: You hear that? That’s you. Don’t do it, man.
Jenko: Why is he…?
Captain Dickson: Keep that dirty dick in your pants. Don’t fuck no students. Don’t fuck no teachers.
Schmidt: Sir, I know we come off as a couple of ladykillers, but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.
Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn’t talking to you, big titties! You cherub looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner over here, Fake ass handsome McGee! When I’m talking to him, I’m talking to him. When I say, shut the fuck up, I’m talking to you.
Captain Dickson: Now, you two sons of bitches in my office, now! Right now!
[in his office Dickson shows them a youtube video of a teenager taking a drug]
Captain Dickson: It’s a new synthetic drug, goes by the street name, HFS.
[Dickson puts the video of the teenager on youtube back on after he’s taken the drug]
Jenko: They put this on the internet for everybody to see?
Captain Dickson: They’re teenager, man. They’re really stupid, so you should blend right in.
[they continue to watch the kid going through phases of getting high on the drug]
Jenko: I could watch this all day!
Schmidt: Man, this kid rules.
Captain Dickson: Ruled. His parents found him OD’d in his room a few days ago. He’s dead. Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before. And as you can see, this kid is white. That means, people actually give a shit.
Schmidt: Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.
Captain Dickson: Right now, HFS is contained right there at Sagan High. Now once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days. Jenko, I looked at your old transcript. I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses, like, photography and drama. Get in with he burnouts and the cool kids, find out who’s slinging this shit.
[looking at Schmidt’s file]
Captain Dickson: Schmidt, it says you were a virgin through high school.
Schmidt: It says that?
Captain Dickson: No, I just assumed it. Due to your many years on the honor role and your membership to the juggling squad.
Schmidt: It’s a juggling society, but it’s fine. It’s fine.
Captain Dickson: They’re stealing the equipment from the chemistry lab. That’s what we think they’re cooking the dope with. I enrolled you into honors chemistry. Here’s your new identities. Brad and Doug McQuade. The mission is this, infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.
Jenko: We get to be brothers?
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Jenko: What if we find the supplier first? We don’t have to worry about the dealer?
Captain Dickson: Goddamn! Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
[Schmidt goes to pray at the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
Schmidt: Hey, Korean Jesus. I don’t know if you cater to Korean Christians, or if you even exist. No offense. I’m just really freaked out about going back to high school. It was just so fucking hard the first time. I know we haven’t made our first arrest or maybe I’m not the best cop. Korean Jesus, I just really don’t want to fuck this up. I’m sorry for swearing so much. The end? I don’t really know how to end a prayer. The end? Yeah.
[we see Jenko sneaking up behind Schmidt and starts to laugh at him, at that point Dickson opens the window from his office and shouts at them]
Captain Dickson: Hey! Hey! Stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain’t got time for your problems! He’s busy, with Korean shit! You two get to your mama’s house, ASAP!
Captain Dickson: You’re teenagers now! Alright? You two are staying at Schmidt’s parents house for the duration of this assignment.
[Schmidt whispers to himself]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck me.
[at Schmidt’s parents house, we see they have pictures of Schmidt from when he was young, all over their living room wall]
Schmidt: Guys, can we, can we get rid of this stuff? I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven’t moved on.
David Schmidt: If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.
[pointing the picture of himself when he was young posing naked]
Schmidt: I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years! But completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.
David Schmidt: That is a great picture, Morton.
Annie Schmidt: Mmhmm.
Jenko: You look like a young Jay Leno.
Schmidt: Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?
Annie Schmidt: Um…
Schmidt: No! I remember! You know why? Because I told it to a therapist about eight thousand times!
[Jenko starts to crack up, Schmidt points to a medal]
Schmidt: I mean this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer. It’s literally a medal for sucking!
Annie Schmidt: Now! Now!
David Schmidt: That is a medal for trying.
Annie Schmidt: Yes.
[turning to Jenko]
David Schmidt: Let me tell you something, this guy was always a great trier.
[as the door bell at Schmidt’s parents rings]
Annie Schmidt: Oh, that must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.
Schmidt: What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She’s going to tell the whole neighborhood! I told you, it’s an undercover assignment! It’s super secretive!
Annie Schmidt: Undercover, that’s so cute.
Schmidt: AAh! I’m going upstairs.
[as Schmidt looks through their high school files]
Schmidt: If you don’t know your identity, we’re screwed tomorrow. You got to study this stuff.
Jenko: Forget those identities, they’re bullshit! It says I was held back a year.
Schmidt: You were. You were held back two years.
Jenko: Just because it’s a fake back story, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
[as Jenko gets his clothes ready for their first day at school]
Jenko: Fuck! Socks don’t match. Now I got to start all over. First day at school, dude. got to look awesome.
Schmidt: You know, back in the day you were super popular and I wasn’t, as much. We didn’t really get along in high school. You don’t think that’s going to happen again, do you?
Jenko: No. Come on, man. We’re adults now, we’re best buds. That stuff ain’t going to happen again. We’re good.
[as they get ready in the morning for school, they practice saying the Miranda rights, but Jenko still doesn’t know the proper words]
Schmidt: Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You’re a cop!
Jenko: Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.
[as they are about to leave the house for school]
Schmidt: Alright, let’s do it.
Jenko: Woh! Woh! Woh!
Jenko: What are you doing?
Schmidt: What? What are you talking about?
Jenko: Are you two strapping?
Schmidt: My backpack? Yeah.
Jenko: I got to be seen with you. You got to one strap it. Seriously, I’d have no strap if that would even be possible.
Schmidt: Okay, what makes you the expert?
Jenko: I was, uh, cooler in high school than you were.
Schmidt: Okay, that makes sense. Continue.
Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.
Jenko: One; don’t try hard at anything. Okay? Two; make fun of people who do try. Three; be handsome. Four; if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five; drive a kick-ass car.
[as they walk up to car they’ll be driving in, Jenko sees it’s an old run down car]
[they go to a police impound lot to get a decent muscle car]
Officer Judy Hoffs: Alright, just don’t be driving it like teenage kids, revving up the engine and shit. Okay?
Schmidt: We would never!
Jenko: Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit
[cut to scene of them revving up the engine]
[as they mess around jumping across the car, Jenko does it perfectly, then when it comes to Schmidt’s turn he crashes into the windscreen and falls to the ground]
Jenko: You okay?
Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.
[when they arrive at Sagan they see that all the kids using two straps to wear their backpacks]
Schmidt: Dude, everybody’s two strapping it.
Jenko: Just stay with the one strap.
Schmidt: I can’t! I can’t! I can’t ride it out.
[he puts both straps of his backpack on]
Jenko: What are you doing? What are you doing? Don’t succumb to the pier pressure. What are you doing?
Schmidt: You’re supposed to use two straps! One strap is pier pressure.
Jenko: No! No! You’re fucking it up.
[as they walk down the school parking lot, they take note of all the different groups]
Jenko: Okay, those are Goths. Those are nerds.
[looking at a group of kids that don’t have an obvious look to them]
Jenko: I don’t know what they are.
[referring to a group of girls who all have dressed alike]
Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?
Jenko: I’m so confused right now.
Eric Molson: Hey, is that your car?
Eric Molson: What’s that thing get, ten miles to the gallon?
Jenko: No, try like, seven. What about you?
Schmidt: Smells like egg rolls.
Eric Molson: Yeah, it does. Runs on left over fry oil from Hutong Palace, but we try ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and what-not.
Jenko: Whatever, man. I don’t care about anything.
Eric Molson: Oh, you don’t care about the environment? That’s kind of fucked up, man.
[to Jenko and Eric]
Juario: Hey, will you all shut the hell up! I’m trying to study.
Jenko: Look at him! He’s trying. He’s actually trying! What a nerd? Look at the nerd. Look at him. Look at the nerd.
Juario: Who are you calling a nerd, man?
Jenko: I’m sorry. What was…?
[suddenly Jenko punches Juario in the face, knocking him to the ground]
Schmidt: Shit, dude!
Eric Molson: Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?
Jenko: Turn that gay-assed music off!
Juario: You punched me because I’m gay?
Jenko: What? No!
[all the kids in the school parking lot circle around them]
Jenko: Oh, come on!
Schmidt: That’s not cool, man.
Eric Molson: That is really insensitive.
Jenko: I didn’t punch him because he’s gay. I punched him, and then he’s happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.
Juario: I was gay when you punched me!
Schmidt: In a weird way it might have been homophobic not to punch you, just because you are gay.
[after Jenko’s punched Juario, both Jenko and Schmidt end up in the Principles office]
Principal Dadier: You punched a little gay black kid in the face? It’s not even second period. How do you explain that?
Jenko: Mr. Dadier, I’m so sorry about that. I just…
Principal Dadier: Guys, I’m going to relate to you. Okay? A kid died the other day from drugs. And nobody, including me, is doing anything about it. That’s weird, guys. And then you two show up with thirty days left, causing trouble in my school! I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face away from a nervous break down! Do I make myself clear? You guys cross my line again, and you walk into this office, I’m going to expel you. You got me?
Principal Dadier: Alright, let’s do this? Which of you is Doug?
[neither Schmidt and Jenko replies]
Principal Dadier: Let’s do that again and pretend you guys are weird. Which one of you is named Doug?
[Schmidt looks at Jenko as if to say you are Doug; Jenko looks at Schmidt and whispers]
Jenko: No, dude. I’m Brad.
Principal Dadier: Okay, good. So that means your name is Doug, son.
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m Doug.
Principal Dadier: Great. Here are your class schedules.
Principal Dadier: You know, it’s funny. I wouldn’t have taken you for the brainy type. I wouldn’t.
Principal Dadier: And you as a drama geek, far less surprising.
Schmidt: Thank you.
[after leaving the principles office]
Schmidt: Now we have the wrong identities, you dumbass! I’m in drama! I suck at drama! It’s girlie, embarrassing.
Jenko: Oh, my God! Relax, dude. Who cares? I can fake my way through band practice and AP Chemistry for a few weeks.
Schmidt: A.P. Chemistry! A.P. Chemistry! No, you can’t! Because you didn’t even know what it’s actually fucking called!
Jenko: It’s going to be fine. You go to my classes and I’m going to go to yours. Okay, now chemistry is the one with the shapes and shit, right?
[Schmidt looks away in disgust]
[in drama class, Schmidt starts talking Eric’s girlfriend asking about the kid that OD’d]
Schmidt: Hey, it’s really sad about that kid. He was talented.
Molly Tracey: So are you saying if he wasn’t talented it would be less sad?
Schmidt: No! No! No! No! I, uh, that’s not what I meant.
Molly Tracey: I was just busting you balls.
Schmidt: Oh! Okay. Good.
Schmidt: Do kids still do this stuff? Even after what happened to him?
Molly Tracey: Everyone’s saying that Billy had a heart murmur. Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it’s just not my thing.
Schmidt: It’s not really my thing either, but a buddy of mine really wants it. Who would he call if he wanted it?
Molly Tracey: Well you can tell your friend, if he really wanted it, it’s not so hard to find.
[she looks at a graffiti with a phone number, Schmidt realizes this is the dealers number]
Schmidt: Thank you.
Molly Tracey: Oh, you’re welcome.
[Schmidt starts to texts the dealer]
[as Schmidt is texting the dealer in drama class, his phone makes loud beeping noise]
Mr. Gordon: New person. Mister textie-textie, since you have so much to say to Molly, let’s see if you can be Peter to our Wendy. You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
Schmidt: Uh, I can’t. I’m fine just being a tree or something.
Mr. Gordon: Doug, you never won’t know what you can’t achieve if before you don’t achieve it.
[Schmidt looks at Gordon confused]
Mr. Gordon: My point is, you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.
[in the Chemistry class]
Ms. Griggs: Time for pop quiz nose.
Jenko: A what?
Ms. Griggs: Oh, I’m sorry. What? Is your name Brad?
Jenko: Brad. Yes, ma’am.
[Griggs looks at Jenko and how muscular he is]
Ms. Griggs: Wow! Look at you, Brad! Big. Uh, what is a, what is a pop quiz nose? It’s a quiz and the first person who finishes gets a ten dollar gift certificate to quiz nose.
Zach: You look really old. Were you held back or something?
Jenko: No. You’re super young. Were you held forward?
[Jenko realizes what he just said doesn’t make sense]
Jenko: I went to school in France, so and they do like, they do like two extra years of middle school there, it’s so lame.
[Zach speaks in French]
Zach: [subtitled] French, the language of love.
Jenko: Oh, that’s cool, man. It’s nice to meet you also.
[in drama class, Schmidt is auditioning for part of Peter Pan by singing, which he does very badly]
Mr. Gordon: Okay. Um, maybe try one cooler, and faster, and louder, and better, and less insecure, and more just cool.
[at that moment Schmidt’s phone beeps with text message from the dealer telling him to meet him in 5 mins at the Yearbook office]
Schmidt: Um, okay. Uh, yep, those are great notes. I’m just going to, I’m going to run outside. I’m going to utilize those and I’m going to come back.
[in Chemistry class, Jenko not understanding the questions on the pop quiz quickly guesses the answers and goes up the teacher with his paper]
Ms. Griggs: Wow! You’re fast. Not like that. Just let me check you out. I mean, check out your chest. Check out your test. I mean, I’m going to grade your quiz.
[at that moment Schmidt texts Jenko to tell him that he’s meet him in the hallway]
Jenko: Um, can, uh, can I go take a dump?
Ms. Griggs: Yeah, okay. That’s cool. Oh, uh, we have this hurry back rule. So if you’re not back in six minutes I have to send you to the principle. Rules are rules. So I guess this will have to be a quickie.
[as Schmidt and Jenko turn up at the Yearbook office they see Eric Molson is the dealer]
Eric Molson: You guys, huh?
Schmidt: Um, that was a total mix up, what happened earlier.
Schmidt: He feels awful.
Jenko: Totally. I was really nervous.
Schmidt: You’re a dealer? You’re the dealer guy?
Jenko: Is that you?
Eric Molson: Yep.
Schmidt: So do you make this stuff or…
Eric Molson: What, do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.
Jenko: He just sells it, man.
Schmidt: No, I’m sorry. I’m just…
Eric Molson: How many you guys want? Twenty bucks a pops.
Schmidt: Like one each. One pop each of drugs.
[as he’s about to give the the drug]
Eric Molson: Hey, you guys aren’t narcs, are you?
[Schmidt and Jenko laugh nervously]
Schmidt: We ain’t narcs!
Jenko: Woh! Woh!
Schmidt: Dude, come on!
Jenko: Maybe you’re the narc!
Eric Molson: Hey, you know who calls people narcs? Narcs, Narc.
Schmidt: First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself because if you call us narcs…
Schmidt: If narcs call people narcs…
Jenko: Yeah, because it..
Schmidt: And you called us narcs, then that’s kind of
Jenko: You just said that.
Eric Molson: Okay, I’m on top if this shit! You guys want to do this or not? Jesus!
Schmidt: Yes! Yes!
Jenko: Yes! No problem.
[Eric holds out the bag of drugs]
Eric Molson: Alright, take it so I know you’re cool.
Jenko: Um, I’m sorry. What? We were going to take it home.
Schmidt: I got to go back to class is the only thing.
Jenko: I was thinking that I was going to go home, maybe turn down the lights, getting snuggly, get a little weird.
Schmidt: I was going to take it and then masturbate later.
Eric Molson: Yeah, I’m not asking. Take it now or get the fuck out. I got to finish the girls volleyball page by lunch. Yeah?
[reluctantly Jenko and Schmidt take the drug from Eric]
Schmidt: Yeah. No, it’s all good.
Jenko: I love doing drugs at school.
Schmidt: Just, uh, take the drugs right here. Put it in our mouths and, uh…
Eric Molson: There you go, that’s it.
[Jenko and Schmidt take the drugs out of the plastic bag and put it in their mouth]
Jenko: What’s that? Barbecue flavor?
Eric Molson: Have fun.
[after taking the drug, Schmidt and Jenko run to the bathroom and try to vomit, but they can’t]
Schmidt: We got to throw up, man!
Jenko: I can’t!
Schmidt: We got to throw up! That kid, Billy, died! We got to throw up! Just think of something gross! Think of something gross!
Jenko: You fucking think of something!
Schmidt: Okay! Uh, your grandmother’s vagina! Um, there’s a dick going into it!
Jenko: What the fuck?!
Schmidt: I don’t know! I’m just trying! I’m trying!
Jenko: Fuck! Come on, man!
Schmidt: I’m just trying!
Jenko: Let’s just, let’s just finger each others mouths.
Schmidt: No, you’re not fingering my mouth!
Jenko: Do you want to die? Do you want to die?
Schmidt: Okay! Fine!
Jenko: Let’s go. Come on! Come on! Come on!
[they each place their finger in each others mouths, trying to make each other vomit]
Jenko: What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot? Just stick it in!
Schmidt: I don’t know! I’ve never done this before!
Just stick it in! Go!
[the janitor walks in the toilet and sees them, shakes his head and walks out]
[after failing to make each other vomit but putting their finger in each others mouths]
Schmidt: Is it me?
Jenko: I’m sorry! I just can’t sometimes.
[after failing to vomit the drugs out, they run back to class, the gym teacher stops them in the hallway]
Mr. Walters: You got a pass for running down the hallways like a couple of dingle-lings? Pass, in your hand. Hello?
[he takes the piece of paper out of Jenko’s hand]
Mr. Walters: Oh, damn! You guys are late. I’m going to have to take you to the principles office.
Jenko: No. No!
Schmidt: No! No, man.
Jenko: Come on. Please!
Schmidt: Please. Sorry.
[looking at Jenko]
Mr. Walters: You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man. When did you go through puberty? Like at seven or something?
Mr. Walters: You look like you’re in your mid twenties for crying out loud.
[pointing at Jenko]
Mr. Walters: McQuade, huh? Doug McQuade! I read your file. You got to lot of something special going on there, young man.
[Schmidt holds up his hand to interrupt, but Walters quickly knocks his hand down]
Mr. Walters: What the hell was that? God dammit, son! Don’t ever raise your hand to me like that again! Alright? I consider that a threat!
Schmidt: I was just saying that I’m Doug. I’m Doug McQuade.
[he points to the hall pass in Walters hand]
Schmidt: That’s the, that’s Brad. I’m…
[Walters knocks Schmidt’s hand away]
Schmidt: That’s Brad. I’m…
Mr. Walters: You’re the new kid who’s all county in track?
Schmidt: Yes. I’m Doug McQuade. The track star and this is Brad.
[suddenly Jenko starts laughing]
Schmidt: The science prodigy.
[Schmidt also begins to laugh, marking the beginning of them starting to trip out on the drug]
[as Schmidt and Jenko are going through phase two of their drug tripping, they start hallucinating]
Mr. Walters: Here’s the deal. My track team is full of physical incapable rejects. I mean, if I wasn’t the coach, I’d be laughing my ass off at how spastic they are.
[as Schmidt looks at Walters he sees Walters face has turned into a cartoon cat]
Mr. Walters: But I am the coach, so, I need you. I need me some Doug McQuade. You understand? I need you to run anchor in the four by four hundred at today’s track meet. You do that, and I’ll sign this pass.
[as Jenko is tripping he starts blowing his mouth and hears a horn blow whenever he blows]
Mr. Walters: Don’t blow on me, son.
[Schmidt replies to Walters slowly]
Schmidt: I have to train?
[as they continue tripping, Schmidt sees Walters head turn into an ice cream cone]
Mr. Walters: Guys, don’t make me take you to the principles office. Do we have a deal?
Mr. Walters: Nice.
[Schmidt sees Walters face, which is now an ice cream cone melting, so he sticks his tongue out as if he wants to lick it]
Mr. Walters: I don’t like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.
[he puts Schmidt’s tongue back in his mouth]
Mr. Walters: Put your tongue in your mouth and close it!
[Walters looks at Jenko who’s now also got his tongue sticking out of his mouth]
Mr. Walters: What are you doing? Stop it! Actually, that’s not bad.
[he signs Jenko’s hall pass]
Mr. Walters: Alright, here we go.
[as he goes to give the pass to Jenko, he looks at them both]
Mr. Walters: Are you guys on drugs?
[Jenko and Schmidt quickly shake their heads]
[back in his chemistry class, as Jenko is still tripping on the drug, we see he’s talking quickly and writing the board as the class watch him]
Jenko: One particle of unobtanium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor, carry the two, changing its atomic isotope into a radioactive spider.
[he turns to look at the class, we see that what he’s been writing on the boards is continues lines of the number 4 in all shapes and sizes]
Jenko: Fuck you science!
[after Schmidt goes through his crazy phase of the drug and he messes up his track meet by flinging his relay baton across the finish line and then using it as a pretend penis]
Eric Molson: Oh, speak of the devil! Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track team. Organizes sports is so fascist, it makes me sick!
Schmidt: Uh, it’s just what I do.
Eric Molson: Okay. Shit, man. See you around, right?
[as the Eric and his gang walks off, Jenko’s is pissed off that Schmidt is now the cool one]
Jenko: I don’t get this school.
Schmidt: That was awesome!
[back at 21 Jump Street, Schmidt and Jenko have made a chart for Captain Dickson with all the eco kid dealers photo’s and names]
Schmidt: Okay, so we stayed up all night making this. It’s awesome, you’re really going to like it. All yarn work was done by Jenko.
Jenko: Okay, Captain. Look, the dealers are the popular kids, but they’re not normal popular. They’re these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone that they’re cool. But they’re not cool. It’s backwards and unnatural and it’s got to be stopped.
Schmidt: The dealer, Eric Molson, Alpha dog, sick chicks, killer steeze, if Aids run this year. He’s getting into Berkeley, early admish, and he totally gets me.
Captain Dickson: Who put this together? Are you autistic?
Schmidt: It is artistic, sir.
[both Schmidt and Jenko start talking at the same time trying to explain their chart]
Schmidt: Because the thing is the yarn actually indicates all the different people. Like this guy he got drugs for this person…
Jenko: Um, we’re compiling a list of suspicious types at school who uses it. This kid here was actually talking to a tree this morning…
Captain Dickson: Cut the bullshit! I want to know who’s the supplier.
[Schmidt points to a picture with a silhouette of a face and giant question mark in the middle of it]
Schmidt: We don’t know. That’s why there’s a question mark on his face. That’s not the way his face looks, that’s just a question mark.
Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier! Simple!
[the girls make fun of Schmidt and Jenko after their presentation to the Captain]
Fugazy: I think you guys really cracked the whole case. Great job! You guys are on fire. So proud.
Schmidt: Like you could do any better?
Fugazy: We just brought down a group of want to-be thugs, stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.
Jr. Jr.: Mean while, you two were standing, finger popping each others assholes.
Schmidt: We’re not finger popping each others assholes. What we’re doing, is getting shit done.
Jenko: Yeah. As a matter of fact I’m about to infiltrate a super high-tech drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.
[Jenko goes the chemistry classroom thinking he’s infiltrated a manufacturing drug ring]
Jenko: What are you all doing? How did you get a key in here?
Zach: Ms. Griggs gave us one. So we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.
Jenko: Bakugan? You dealing drugs? Let me see them? You dealing drugs? Let me see it?
Delroy: No, it’s just a card game. It’s like a hybrid card game. You see! They open up
Jenko: You’re not doing anything illegal?
Zach: What are you doing in here?
Jenko: I’m here to study.
Zach: Good. You could use it, you’re pretty far behind, so.
Jenko: You’re behind. I’m ahead. I know everything.
Zach: Really? Uh, what’s a covalent bond?
Jenko: You know, fuck you, man! I don’t need to tell you!
Zach: I wasn’t trying to be rude. Sorry. I just, I don’t think you know everything.
Jenko: I know everything.
Jenko: What kind of bullshit do they say about a coviolent bond in this school?
Zach: They say it’s, uh, when two atoms share both their electrons, it, um, helps them to stick together. I could help you out, if you want, to tutor you for the test.
[referring to the little notes with phone numbers on them]
Jenko: What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
Zach: Uh, I crack and jailbreak kids phones, uh, trying to save for college. You know I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Jenko: Can you listen into phone calls and stuff?
Zach: No. No, I can’t, I can’t install a spyware to remotely monitor calls or anything that the mic picks up. I can’t do that at all.
[Zack smiles while he’s saying all this]
Jenko: What, you can’t do it?
[Zack smiles again]
Zach: No, I can’t.
[Jenko turns to Zack’s friends]
Jenko: Is he being sarcastic?
Delroy: I don’t know.
Jenko: So you can?
[Zack nods his head]
Schmidt: Liking comic books is popular, environmental awareness, being tolerant. If I was just born ten years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.
Jenko: I know. It’s bullshit. You know what? I totally know the cause. Glee. Fuck you Glee!
Schmidt: Man, I got to say it. This is kind of awesome. I might become popular. I might be in with the popular kids. If I could do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
Jenko: You saying we should throw a party?
Schmidt: I’ll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric. And that would be the quickest way for me to bro down with them.
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids group?
Schmidt: I think it would be better if you get in with the nerdy kids and see what’s going on over there. That would be the best thing for the case.
Jenko: I guess that makes sense.
[Schmidt makes a call to Molly]
Schmidt: Hey, is this, uh, is this Molly?
Molly Tracey: Speaking.
Schmidt: Hey! It’s, uh, it’s Schmidt.
[realizes he’s used his real name and quickly tries to cover it up]
Schmidt: Schmoug, uh, it’s Doug Schm…McQuade.
Molly Tracey: Oh! Hey, man! Uh, so weird that you’re calling me. I pretty much text, except for when a random old relative calls.
Schmidt: I’m just calling because we’re co-starring in this play together, and…
[just at that moment the phone beeps and Schmidt’s mom comes on the line]
Annie Schmidt: Hello? Hello?
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Get off the phone!
Annie Schmidt: Oh, sorry! Hi, Doug. My teen son.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom!
Annie Schmidt: I love you, honey. Dougy. Doug, Douglas McQuade.
Schmidt: [shouting] Mom! Shush! Stop!
[after Schmidt’s mom gets off the line]
Schmidt: Sorry. My mom’s such a dick. She’s just like, smothers me with affection. It makes me feel like I’m five years old.
Molly Tracey: Wow! You’re a sharer. I dig that. Well, I’m eighteen years old and my mom still packs my lunch for me everyday.
Schmidt: There was this one month where she bought me forty three stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn’t though, just to be clear.
Molly Tracey: Yeah, because you already had one.
Schmidt: Exactly. I already had a, and you don’t need two vagina’s. You just don’t.
Molly Tracey: Although, you could use one as a coin purse.
Molly Tracey: I never got any stuffed animals growing up. Oh, wait! Actually, that’s not true. I did. My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.
[Schmidt goes quite not knowing what to say]
Molly Tracey: I’m just fucking with you.
Schmidt: That was a weird joke. I thought your dad had bailed on your family.
Molly Tracey: No, he did walk out on us though.
Molly Tracey: He didn’t even leave me a stuffed puppy. Just broken dreams.
[Jenko walks into the room as Schmidt is on the phone to Molly and tries wrestling him]
Schmidt: Oh, man. I guess to that I would say, well, uh, that there are some good guys out there, and I wouldn’t let, you know, one experience take your, uh, memory…
[as Jenko hits Schmidt, Molly hears Schmidt shout]
Schmidt: Oh, my God!
Molly Tracey: Are you getting choked up? I’m sorry of I made you upset.
Schmidt: No. It’s just, you know, I don’t like when guys are mean to girls.
Molly Tracey: Yeah. Well, thanks.
Schmidt: Normal transition here. Um, actually, I’m having a party next weekend. You should come. You and Eric and Juario or whatever.
Molly Tracey: Do you mind if I just put like a posting on facebook?
[Jenko starts hitting Schmidt with a pillow]
Schmidt: Okay! Yeah! Yeah! Um, I should call you back. Well, alright. I’ll see you. I’ll see you. You’re a great person! Bye bye. Bye.
Molly Tracey: Bye.
[as Molly is about to end the call she hears Schmidt yell]
Schmidt: What the fuck are you doing?
[Schmidt and Jenko are in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: Are you all throwing a party?
Captain Dickson: There’s rumors, in the Twittersphere. And if any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they’ll find themself in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel!
Schmidt: That’s extremely vivid, thank you.
[as Schmidt and Jenko Schmidt and Jenko say goodbye to Schmidt’s parents]
Jenko: We love you! Enjoy the vineyard.
Annie Schmidt: Yeah, I can’t believe you guys did this for us. Bye!
[as his parents leave, Schmidt turns to Jenko]
Schmidt: We love you? Dude, why are you saying I love you to my mom?
Jenko: I’m in character, shut up.
Schmidt: That’s weird.
Jenko: I don’t know, dude. We’re kind of like brothers.
[as they get Schmidt’s parents house prepared for the party]
Schmidt: Wait. How are we going to buy alcohol?
Jenko: I don’t have a fake ID.
[they both laugh and high five each other and buy a ton of alcohol]
Schmidt: How are we going to get drugs for the party?
Jenko: Oh, no!
[they both laugh, then they break into evidence lockup at the police station]
[after breaking into evidence lockup]
Jenko: We got a pound of coke.
Schmidt: We just want to show them a good time not ruin their fucking lives!
Jenko: Pound of marijuana?
Schmidt: Best party ever!
[after Eric turns up to the party and Jenko steals his phone and gives it to the chem nerds to bug the phone]
Jenko: Okay, boys! Come on! We did it! We did it. We can do this. Let’s go! Let’s go as fast as you possibly can.
Zach: Taking out the SIM card. Taking out the SIM card.
Jenko: Come on. CSI the shit out of this thing.
[Jenko notices Zach is looking drunk]
Jenko: Are you drunk?
Jenko: Have you even been drunk before?
Zach: No, but, um…
[he grabs the bottle of alcohol from Delroy’s hand]
Jenko: Give me this!
Zach: Can we get some bitches up in here, because it’s just boys right now.
Jenko: No! You can’t get any bitches up here!
[as a bunch of teenagers from another school crash his party]
Schmidt: Hey, big player. I don’t know who you are.
Scott: Don’t worry about who I am.
Schmidt: I’m worried about it.
Schmidt: Because you’re in my party right now, dude. This is my temple. This is where I come to find peace to all. You coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop, metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew. And I’m like, what, Scott? What, Scott? What? What? What? What, Scott?
Scott: It’s that kind of party?
Schmidt: Yeah, dude! As a matter of fact, it’s getting hot in here, huh?
Scott: Oh, no. It’s getting real.
Schmidt: Yeah, it’s like seven strangers living in one house true story!
Scott: You want real world?
Schmidt: Yeah! Let’s do it, man. Come on!
Scott: Here’s real world.
[suddenly Scott punches Schmidt in the stomach, Jenko hears this and comes and joins the fight and him and Schmidt eventually win the fight]
[after Schmidt has won the fight with Scott, everybody at the party is cheers, suddenly everyone notices the Schmidt has been stabbed in the shoulder]
Schmidt: Oh, shit! When did I get stabbed?
[everyone just looks at him in shock]
Schmidt: That’s awesome!
[everyone at the party cheers and continues partying]
[after Schmidt’s parents return home and bust up the party, everybody runs away with Eric and Schmidt running in the same direction]
Eric Molson: Dude, that was so great! I swear, best party I’ve been to in years!
Schmidt: Dude, I’m doing crazy stuff like that, like all the time, man.
Eric Molson: I bet you are, dude. So angst right now!
Schmidt: Hey, man!
Eric Molson: Dude, I like you, man. How do you feel about making a little extra money?
Schmidt: Whatever it is, I’m in.
Eric Molson: Here’s the deal. I can’t sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like. Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we’re doing. I’ll introduce you to my hook up. How does that sound?
Schmidt: Cool with me.
Eric Molson: My, man!
[referring to the rude graffiti drawn on Schmidt’s baby photo’s at the party]
Annie Schmidt: ‘I love dick!’ You think that’s funny? ‘Wonder Years Douche’!
[she holds the photo in front of Schmidt and Jenko]
Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into an eight year olds mouth?!
Jenko: It could be, like airplane blowing up.
Annie Schmidt: You think I don’t know that’s a dick and balls! I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun! You know what? From now on you’re going to do some chores. You’re going to wash the laundry, you’re going to fold it, you’re going to do dishes, you’re going to mow the lawn.
Jenko: Dude, I have a surprise for you. Last night at the party, I took Eric’s phone and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it. So we’re going to get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.
Schmidt: Dude, I don’t know if that was a good idea.
Schmidt: What of you’d gotten found out?
Jenko: But it worked. This like the smartest move I’ve ever pulled. So, I’m sorry. What are you getting mad at me for?
Schmidt: I’m not getting mad at you. I’m glad. You have something to do.
[as Schmidt gets more popular with Eric, pretending to be selling the drugs while in fact he’s been taking them to Capt. Dickson, he also gets more friendly with Molly, flirt texting each other]
Eric Molson: Are you texting Molly?
Schmidt: Uh, what? I don’t, uh, Molly. Uh, maybe. Is that…?
Eric Molson: Woh! It’s cool, man. Come on! I’m not like, some like, fifties Letterman who pins a girl. I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes. But it’s not a thing. I just like, I don’t know. I don’t believe in possession, chowfeel.
Schmidt: Chowfeel? Chow definitely feel.
[while Schmidt is hanging out with the eco kids, Jenko is with the chem nerds and uses the mic on Eric’s cellphone to eavesdrop, Schmidt and Molly walk into the room where Eric’s phone is charging and Jenko overhears their conversation]
Schmidt: Are you, uh, are you excited about the play?
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: Yeah, you were just right in there with the statement.
Molly Tracey: Yes!
Schmidt: No hesitation.
Molly Tracey: I’m very excited.
Molly Tracey: Does that make me a super nerd?
Schmidt: No, not at all. We get to act together.
[as he’s listening into Schmidt and Molly’s conversation]
Jenko: What a vagina?! He has no chance with her.
Molly Tracey: You’re on the prom committee.
Molly Tracey: Do you think it’s going to be fun?
[as Jenko and the nerds listen in on their conversation]
Jenko: Did she just bring up prom on her own?
Delroy: She did! She just brought up prom.
Jenko: What’s she doing?
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: I think it’s going to be awesome.
Zach: Promy’s are dong.
Jenko: Alright, anyone who says they don’t care about prom, actually secretly does.
Delroy: Who’s going to take us to the prom? There’s no one that wants to go to the prom with us.
Jenko: Come on! Picture it! You pull up in a white stallion of a limo, you got fine-ass honey’s with you, you dress to the nines with your best buds! Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Zach: Doves? Why doves? Because doves make you look like a bad-ass, that’s why!
Molly Tracey: I am pretty skeptical, but maybe if someone asked me, I would go.
Schmidt: But are, isn’t, aren’t you and Eric, wouldn’t you and Eric go together?
Molly Tracey: Not that I know of.
[Schmidt has a flashback to high school in 2005 when he asked a girl to the prom and got rejected]
Schmidt: Uh, would you…
[listening in to their conversation]
Jenko: He’s going to choke. He always chokes. He’s going to choke, wait for it.
[back to Schmidt and Molly]
Schmidt: So would, would you maybe…
[suddenly Schmidt starts to choke]
Molly Tracey: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Schmidt: I am!
[Jenko laughs as he hears Schmidt choke]
Jenko: That is the actual sound of choking!
Schmidt: I was wondering if you, uh, would you, uh, maybe want to go to, uh, with me? To prom? Would you want to go with me? Will you go with me to prom?
Molly Tracey: Yes. I would love to go to prom with you.
[listening in to them]
Zach: What? She said yes!
Jenko: Good for you, Doug.
[after she’s accepted Schmidt’s invitation to go to the prom with him]
Molly Tracey: Thanks you for asking.
[she slowly comes towards him as if to kiss him, but suddenly Schmidt ruins the moment and holds out his hand instead]
Schmidt: Put it there, man! Just put it right there!
Molly Tracey: I’m putting it right here.
[she awkwardly shakes his hand]
[as the rest of the eco kids come inside and join Schmidt and Molly]
Lisa: Doug, okay, settle an argument. You and your brother aren’t related, right? Because he looks totally different.
Schmidt: He’s adopted. We all suspect he’s from a very lame family.
[Jenko overhears this and looks upset]
Lisa: Where is he tonight?
Schmidt: Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rainman? That’s like my life, except Brad is really shitty at Math.
[the eco kids laugh and Jenko with his chem nerd friends overhear this]
Zach: Your brother’s kind of a dick.
Jenko: Yeah, he kind of is, isn’t he?
Zach: Don’t listen to that.
[at 21 Jump Street, after finding out that their designer drug is spreading to other high schools]
Captain Dickson: You failed to stop the outbreak. And you have no leads! We are running out of time! You either find the supplier I’m a jump your asses off Jump Street!
Jenko: I totally understand where you’re coming from, sir. But look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday with somebody that sounded very suspect about meeting up with the stuff in a piÃ±ata.
Captain Dickson: Is that a code for sex?
[as they leave Dickson’s office]
Schmidt: Piñata? Really?
Jenko: Yep. Remember that wire tap I put on Eric’s phone? Well, when you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening. I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.
Schmidt: That’s all you heard?
[Jenko, wearing a KNO3 sweater, gets in front of the chemistry class to recite his poem on potassium nitrate]
Jenko: Potassium Nitrate. Don’t hate, it’s great. It can act as an oxidizer. I didn’t know that, but now I’m wiser. It has a crystalline structure. If you can’t respect that, you’re a butt-muncher. It’s a key ingredient in gun powder, KNO3. Don’t get no grief. It can be used to make corned beef. It’s also known as salt peter.
[just at that moment Jenko notices Eric leaving school and he excuses himself from class goes get Schmidt, who’s getting ready to go on stage as Peter Pan, and follow Eric]
[after following Eric and seeing he’s meeting up with the One Percenters gang and gave them a piÃ±ata full of drugs, as the One Percenters leave, Jenko and Schmidt duck their heads in the car]
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Jenko: If they see us, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: What? No!
Jenko: Yes! Stop!
Schmidt: You pretend like you’re sucking my dick!
Jenko: No, just pretend like you’re sucking my dick.
Schmidt: Why am I automatically blowing you?
Jenko: Because you’re in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
[after they accidently ram into the back of One Percenters, they chase Schmidt and Jenko who go on the run as they get stuck in traffic]
Jenko: What’s wrong with you? Run!
Schmidt: I can’t! I’m wearing tights!
Jenko: I got skinny jeans on! It’s the same fucking thing!
[a huge car chase starts as they steal a car on the highway with the One Percenters right behind them]
Schmidt: They’re coming! They’re coming!
Jenko: I got an idea! Why don’t you text them and ask them to stop chasing us!
[as the One Percenters start shooting at them, Schmidt grabs a gun left in the car and hesitates, failing to shoot one of the bikers, Jenko grabs the gun and shoots for him]
Schmidt: Why did you shoot for me?
Jenko: You weren’t shooting! You were chocking, so I had to save us!
Schmidt: I was going to shooting! You always do this, every single time!
Schmidt: Seriously, just take me back to school, man! If I miss this play, Molly’s going to freak out! She’s not going to go to prom with me!
Jenko: Are you fucking serious?
Schmidt: Fuck! Yes, I’m serious.
[as Jenko drives them back to school and Schmidt tries to make a run for it back to the play]
Schmidt: I can’t believe you made me late. You’re so selfish!
Jenko: I’m selfish?
Schmidt: Yes! You’re selfish!
Jenko: Are you fucking kidding me? Look at yourself? You’re in too deep, man. Yesterday I found a college application on your desk!
Schmidt: I don’t know how long this case is going to last. And Eric’s going to get into Berkeley! And honestly, I can get in too! Who knows, I could ride this thing out, I could be a doctor or something!
Jenko: Have you lost your fucking mind? You’ll screw this investigation all up.
Schmidt: At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
[Schmidt turns and leave a stricken looking Jenko]
[after Schmidt pushes his way on stage trying to take over the play, Jenko runs after him and jumps on Schmidt and they start fighting on stage]
Jenko: You made fun of me behind my back! Everybody laughs at me!
Schmidt: I was a loser for four years! You couldn’t handle it for five minutes! How does it feel, you motherfucker!
[back at 21 Jump Street in Dickson’s office, after getting expelled from school for fighting on stage]
Jenko: Is that it? You’re not going to, you’re not going to scream at us?
Captain Dickson: Nope. I’m going to just fire you.
[as Schmidt sees Jenko moving his stuff out of his parents place]
Schmidt: Moving out?
Jenko: Yep. Do you know what’s crazy to me? Because I think that I actually thought that we were brothers. I would have taken a bullet for you.
[Eric takes Schmidt and Jenko to a deserted alleyway and pulls]
Eric Molson: Some messed up shit went down yesterday. Yeah, after we made the exchange, our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops.
Schmidt: That’s insane, man. Are you serious?
Eric Molson: Okay, I just I don’t want to go to jail! You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail? It rhymes with grape! It rhymes with grape. I can’t let that happen, so I got these from my dad’s gun cabinet.
[he pulls out two guns]
Schmidt: Eric! Eric! Eric!
Jenko: Woh! Come on! Woh!
Eric Molson: Springfield 45, police issue, very powerful guns. You know how to use that?
Schmidt: We’re not really gun people, man. No.
Eric Molson: A lot of things have made me wonder about you.
[pointing to Jenko]
Jenko: Come on.
Eric Molson: You’re taste in music. The fact that you look like a fucking forty year old man. And after that shit at the play, I realized there’s no way you guys could be cops.
[Eric gives them his guns]
Eric Molson: I got this deal going down, the supplier’s going to be there. I need people I can trust. Okay? Right over here we’re going to shoot these bottles. We’re going to practice, okay?
[Schmidt and Jenko shoot the bottles hitting all of them perfectly]
Eric Molson: That was actually really fucking awesome.
Schmidt: Beginners luck.
Eric Molson: Alright, the supplier wants the deal to go down at prom. There’s going to be all these heavies there, but as long as you guys have my back, yeah?
Schmidt: We’ve always got your back.
[after they help each get ready for the prom]
Schmidt: Jenko, uh, will you go to the prom with me?
Jenko: I guess.
Schmidt: Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?
Jenko: I got some contacts that’ll help us.
[cut to scene of them rolling up to the prom in a white limo with doves flying out and the chem nerds are also with them with some hot looking dates]
[after getting to the prom, Schmidt notices Molly on the dance floor but she looks like she’s tripping on the designer drug]
Molly Tracey: Hey, pumpkin head. I’m very mad at you. Dance with me.
Schmidt: Are you on that shit?
Molly Tracey: So what if I am?
Schmidt: Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down. And I don’t want you to get hurt.
Molly Tracey: I’ve already been hurt, Doug. I don’t care.
Schmidt: You need to leave! You need to leave, you need to get of here, right now!
Molly Tracey: You’re making a lot of hand gestures.
Schmidt: Okay. My name is not Doug, it’s Schmidt.
Molly Tracey: What?
Schmidt: And I’m a cop.
Molly Tracey: What?
Schmidt: Okay? And I care about you, and I don’t want you to get busted. So you have to leave, right now! Leave the prom right now, Molly. I’m serious.
[Eric takes Schmidt and Jenko to the meeting with the supplier and they realize it’s the gym teacher]
Jenko: Mr. Walters?
Mr. Walters: Hey, beautiful Brad! And his brother.
[shaking Jenko’s hand]
Mr. Walters: Wow! You look great!
Jenko: You’re the supplier? You’re a teacher!
Mr. Walters: And I was stuck on a teacher’s salary, bro. Couldn’t barely pay my alimony.
[after the One Percenters arrive at the meeting, Jenko and Schmidt turn around, scared that they will get recognized]
Domingo: What? You’re having a party now? Who are these two motherfuckers?
Schmidt: Hey. How’s it going?
Eric Molson: No. No. It’s cool, man. They’re my boys, so.
Domingo: Are they?
Eric Molson: Yeah.
Domingo: I don’t like strangers
Eric Molson: How do you expect to make any new friends with that attitude? It’s like, everyone’s a stranger until you give them a chance, man.
Domingo: What the fuck are you talking about?
Eric Molson: I don’t even… Fucking around. Do your thing, man. Proceed.
Domingo: Hey, kid. Come here. Now you, you look familiar.
Schmidt: I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid. So people are like, you know, often say I think I know you. But I don’t think, I don’t think we’ve ever met before.
Domingo: Do I look like I eat French fries?
Schmidt: No, you look like you’re in great shape, but maybe you have like corn cheat day. Like a carb blow out. You know? I don’t know.
Schmidt: Yeah, I think you saw me I was like…
[he starts singing]
Schmidt: Come to Andrew’s French Fry Emporium, where friendship and French fries go hand in hand!
[as Molly reaches the crazy phase of her drug trip, she starts pounding on their door, calling Schmidt a cop]
Molly Tracey: I’m going to kill you! You stupid fucking cop!
Schmidt: Hey, you guys. She just called me a stupid fucking cop. That’s rude.
[Molly pounds on the door again, shouting]
Molly Tracey: Dick head! Fuck! Motherfucker!
Jenko: Did she just say, nighead, dark motherfucker? That’s just racist.
Domingo: I know these two.
Domingo: You’re boys are cops! They’re cops!
[everyone pulls out their guns]
Schmidt, Jenko: Police! Get on the ground!
Domingo: You get on the fucking ground!
Schmidt: We asked you first!
Domingo: I don’t give a damn!
Eric Molson: You’re fucking cops? We partied together, man. You bought us Taco Bell.
Schmidt: Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
Eric Molson: You made me this friendship bracelet.
Jenko: Well, he’s not really your friend! He was pretending the whole time, because it’s a fake bracelet.
[referring to the bracelet]
Eric Molson: I’m going to cut this the fuck off! I hate you!
[as Jenko, Schmidt and Eric are shouting at each other, Domingo turns to one his thugs]
Domingo: Woh! Woh! Shut this kid up!
[the thug hits Eric in the face]
[after Molly bursts into the room, Walters takes her hostage]
Mr. Walters: Drop the gun or she’s dead!
Schmidt: She looks dead already!
Mr. Walters: What? No!
[he looks at Molly, who’s now slumped in his arm]
Mr. Walters: Oh. Jesus.
[he gets his head closer to Molly]
Mr. Walters: Yeah, I can hear her breathing. She just passed out from the drugs, we’re good.
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Mr. Walters: Drop the guns!
Jenko: Alright! Just chill out! We’re going to drop out guns. You got to let the kids go and no one’s going to die, okay?
Mr. Walters: Just drop the guns and kick them over here.
[Jenko and Schmidt drop their guns]
Domingo: DB, shoot these motherfuckers.
Jenko: Oh, come on! That’s unfair! We put our guns down in good faith!
Schmidt: You’re a lier and you’re mean!
[Domingo’s thug walks over to Schmidt and Jenko and points his gun at them]
Schmidt: We’re all friends here! Let’s just relax and we can all leave here as friends.
Jenko: Yeah, let’s do that.
Tom Hanson: You all boys are stupid.
Schmidt: Oh, my God! We’re going to die. We’re going to die.
Tom Hanson: Goddammit!
[he turns and points his gun at Domingo]
Tom Hanson: Tom Hanson, DEA. On your knees!
Domingo: What the fuck?!
Tom Hanson: Now!
[Hanson starts taking off his disguise and suddenly another one of Domingo’s thugs joins Hanson]
Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You’re under arrest! Guns down! All of you! Domingo, tell them!
[to his men]
Domingo: Put them down. Put them down!
[Domingo’s men put their guns down]
Jenko: Nice! Yes!
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You little dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!
Schmidt: We had no idea, you’re like, an amazing actor, man.
Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister’s wedding, man!
Tom Hanson: Tough titty. I fucked her too!
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?
[showing his fake nose to Schmidt and Jenko]
Tom Hanson: You see this nose? That is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head, for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Schmidt: Worse things in the world.
Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!
Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.
Tom Hanson: What?
Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.
Jenko: Hey, look, no. I mean, look, we know what it’s like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.
Tom Hanson: Come on. You guys are with Jump Street?
Tom Hanson: That’s funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
Tom Hanson: Yeah!
Jenko: That’s crazy, man!
[suddenly Domingo shoots his gun hitting Hanson in the throat]
Schmidt: Woh! Oh, my God! Oh, shit!
[after Hanson gets shot at a gun fight breaks out and Schmidt starts firing his gun from behind a couch]
Schmidt: Did I hit anything?
Jenko: You were shooting at the fucking ceiling!
[during the gun fight, both DEA agents get shot, as they lie dying next to each other, Schmidt overhears Hanson speak to his partner]
Tom Hanson: I know sometimes I was a jerk to you since we were undercover. It’s just I didn’t feel good about myself. All that stuff I wore, like, the braceletes, the rings, the tight pants. It was just so that people would think I’m cool. The only approval that I ever needed, was from my best friend.
Officer Doug Penhall: Thanks, man.
[Schmidt is touched by this scene as they both die]
[as they are stuck behind the couch while Domingo’s men are shooting at them]
Jenko: We got to get out of here, man!
Schmidt: Are you telling me it’s on?
Jenko: Let’s do this.
Schmidt: Let’s make a baby.
Jenko: What? What are you talking about?
Schmidt: I don’t know. I was trying something out. Sorry.
Jenko: Let’s go!
[as Domingo is chasing Walters, Schmidt and Jenko chase Domingo, in the limo they’re driving they find Lisa, while the three groups are shooting at each other Lisa stands up and shouts]
Lisa: Hey, I’m living my dream of standing in a limo!
[Domingo, who’s in the car ahead turns and shoots his gun smashing her champagne bottle]
Lisa: That guy killed my dream!
[as Jenko is trying to shoot at Domingo from their limo, Lisa keeps trying to open his pants]
Jenko: I’m not trying to shoot people! Will you stop! Just two seconds! You’re really hot and you’re really slutty and that’s awesome! But I got to shoot people right now!
Lisa: You think I’m hot?
[as they run out of amo, Jenko comes up with an idea he got from his chemistry class]
Jenko: You still got those shot gun shells?
[he hands Jenko the gun shells]
Jenko: Pop quiz notes. What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate? That would be a covalent bond, brother. That’s when two atoms, they share electrons. You see, they both need what the other one has. That makes them stick together.
Schmidt: Are you saying we’re covalent bonds?
Jenko: What? No! We’re not atoms, dude!
[Jenko throws the alcohol bottle he put the shotgun shells in and chucks it into Domingo’ limo which explodes and the blast causes Walter’s limo to crash as well]
[as they try to stop Walter’s from escaping, Walters shoots at Schmidt, but Jenko jumps in front of the bullets,taking two in the chest and one in the arm]
Schmidt: You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
[to Jenko, who was wearing a bullet proof vest]
Mr. Walters: I didn’t mean to shoot you!
[referring to Schmidt]
Mr. Walters: I meant to shoot him!
Schmidt: Are you alive, buddy? Are you okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
Jenko: Yeah. I’m feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.
Mr. Walters: Didn’t you hear me? I said don’t move! I said that! You heard, right? Eric, you heard me! I said, don’t move!
[as Walters is distracted, Jenko whispers to Schmidt]
Jenko: You got this.
[Schmidt point his gun at Walters and has flash back to all the times he choked in his life, suddenly as Molly elbows Walters in the stomach and runs out of his arm]
Schmidt: You peeked in high school, motherfucker!
[Schmidt shoots his gun]
Schmidt: Oh, shit! I shot him in the dick.
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick! Oh, my God!
[Schmidt jumps up in happiness]
Schmidt: Yes! Yes! Yes!
[he goes towards Walters]
Schmidt: You are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent!
[Jenko gets up and joins him in saying the Miranda rights to Walters]
Schmidt, Jenko: Anything you say, can and will be used against you in the court of law! You have the right to an attorney and if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you! Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you! Yes!
[after arresting Walters and reading him the Miranda rights]
Schmidt: Yes! We did it, man! We did it.
Jenko: God, that feels so good.
Schmidt: We did it, man.
Jenko: You’re a Goddamn rock star. Do you feel that? Goddamn, you’re so cool. You just shot him in the dick. I’ve never seen that. Who does that?
Schmidt: Look, I’m sorry I called you Rainman. I know I didn’t say you were, but you’re smart. You’re a smart guy, and you’re thoughtful, and you’re sincere, and you’re sweet and you’re loyal. And I fucking cherish you.
[there’s a pause as Jenko just looks at him]
Schmidt: Shall we high five?
[Jenko nods and they jump to do a high five]
Schmidt: Ow! My hand!
[seeing that Jenko is in pain from his bullet wound]
Schmidt: Are you alright? Do you need to go to the hospital, man?
Jenko: You need to call somebody.
Mr. Walters: Yeah, call somebody. I got to get my dick sewn back on.
Jenko: Will you shut the fuck up!
Mr. Walters: That’s not funny.
[pointing to Walters dismembered dick lying on the ground]
Jenko: Is that it?
Mr. Walters: What?
[Walters screams when he sees his dismembered dick]
Mr. Walters: That’s my dick! Will you get my dick, please!
Schmidt: No! We’re not picking up your dick!
Mr. Walters: Fucking pick my dick up!
[since his hands are cuffed, Walters trys to pick up his dick with his mouth]
[after the ambulance and police have arrived, Schmidt walks up to Molly]
Schmidt: Molly, I’m really sorry. I know you wanted a guy to trust and I wanted to be that person so badly, and I let you down in a lot of ways. And it’s good that you’re mad at me. I think it’s good, I think you should be mad at more guys because you deserve a guy who’s good and who doesn’t lie to you. And you should never settle for less then that. There are good guys out there, who aren’t assholes like me.
Molly Tracey: Thanks for saving my life, asshole.
[Schmidt holds out his hand]
Schmidt: Put it there, partner.
[Molly smiles and kisses him]
[as they walks away from the crime scene]
Schmidt: We’re like in the end of Die Hard right now, but it’s our actual life! That’s crazy!
Jenko: Number one or two?
Schmidt: Three. Sam Jackson’s style!
[last lines; as Schmidt and Jenko return Jump Street church in triumph]
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you crazy sick vigilantly, motherfuckers. You got your first arrest, huh? Look, I got something made for you.
[he gives them a framed copy of their first arrest report]
Schmidt: You didn’t!
Jenko: Oh, God!
[Jenko goes to give Dickson a hug but Dickson stops him]
Captain Dickson: Enough, already. Enough. New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self esteem, I’m a send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland.
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Total Quotes: 116