22 Jump Street Quotes – ‘How you bitches like Jump Street now?’

by | Movie Quotes

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Peter Stormare, Wyatt Russell, Amber Stevens, Jillian Bell, Ice Cube, The Lucas Brothers, Nick Offerman, Jimmy Tatro, Caroline Aaron, Craig Roberts, Marc Evan Jackson, Joe Chrest, Eddie J. Fernandez, Rye Rye, Johnny Pemberton, Stanley Wong, Dax Flame, Richard Grieco, Anna Faris, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle, Seth Rogen

OUR RATING: ★★★½

Story:

Buddy cop action comedy sequel directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. The story follows police officers Morton Schmidt and Greg Jenko (Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum) as they go undercover at a college in order to find the supplier of a new drug.

 

Best Quotes    (Total Quotes: 162)

 

[first lines]
Voice Over: Previously on 21 Jump Street.
[a young long haired Jenko notices a young Schmidt in his Slim-Shady in the school hallway]
Jenko: You’re a fucking nerd.
[then it cuts to Jenko sitting in his principals office]
Principal: Boy, you’re lucky you even graduated.
[next it cuts to the police academy with Jenko slamming Schmidt to his back on the wrestling mat]
Schmidt: Fuck! You’re good at this, huh?
Jenko: Yeah.
[next it cuts to Jenko failing his test and Schmidt passing with top grades]
Jenko: You’re really good at this?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jenko: Hey, you want to be friends?
[we see them training together and becoming friends as they graduate the academy]

 

[we see some footage from the previous film when they are fooling around in a park pointing their guns at each other]
Schmidt: This isn’t loaded.
[we see them on their last case in 21 Jump Street going back to high school, then fooling around with some lobsters at Schmidt’s house]
Jenko: Just touch it! Just touch it.
Schmidt: Seriously!
[then Jenko takes a photo of Schmidt holding the lobster]
Schmidt: Alright, alright, alright.
[Schmidt places the lobster in a large pan; next it cuts to when they took down the drug dealers Mr. Walters and Eric Molson and Jenko takes a bullet for Schmidt]
Schmidt: You took a bullet for me, man!
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick!
[next it cuts to Jenko and Schmidt walking back into the police station and everyone cheering for them and then cuts to the end when Dickson tell them they’re going to college]
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!

 

[at college a professor is giving a lecture to his class]
University of Internet Professor: Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive, and it’s associated with water in femininity. While Yang, by contrast is…
[we then see Schmidt and Jenko are watching the lecture on their iPad as they stand by their car in a parking lot]
Schmidt: Man, this is B.S. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college, listening to coded messages and lectures.
Jenko: What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for?
Schmidt: You’re right. Partners for life.
[they fist pump each other then look back at the screen as the professor gives them the coded message]
University of Internet Professor: At Metro City Port, the tide comes in at 10:30 a.m., then it will return to the sea.
Jenko: That’s our port. In and out.
[they open up the trunk to reveal a lot of handguns]
Schmidt: Let’s do this.
[they start fooling around whilst holding the guns]
Schmidt: Surprise, there’s two more arms.

 

[they head to Metro City Port and Schmidt notices the wanted drug lord, The Ghost]
Schmidt: Shit! That’s The Ghost.
Jenko: The Ghost?
Schmidt: Lousten Nielsen. The biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Mexico City. Then he teamed up with the Mexican cartel and running all this shit through the poor. What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
Jenko: I don’t know.
[Schmidt starts buttoning up his shirt]
Jenko: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Huh? I got a new identity that’s going to be killed. I’m going to be throwing it to you to make it legit.
[Jenko sighs]
Jenko: Okay.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise, okay?
Jenko: I don’t know how to improvise.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise.
Jenko: I don’t fucking want to improvise, I don’t know what we’re doing.

 

Schmidt: Okay, I need absolute silence until I can form the character.
Jenko: What? What do you mean…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence while I form the character.
[Schmidt closes his eyes and puts his fingers by the bridge of his nose to concentrate]
Jenko: Can you give me like a head start on the character…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence. I need absolute silence.
Jenko: Can you please just…
Schmidt: I need absolute, absolute silence.

 

[Schmidt gets out of the car now looking like his character, wearing a bandanna on his head and sunglasses, Jenko joins him carrying a bag, they start walking with Schmidt doing his character’s walk]
Jenko: Oh, are you fucking serious right now?
[the head over to meet with Ghost and his men]
The Ghost: Alright! I hate people who are late.
Schmidt: We’re trying to see that product.
[pointing to the van]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. Yoh, Sleepy! What’s up, homie? You know my cousin Savoy?
Scarface: I think you’ve got the wrong guy, homes?
Schmidt: That’s bullshit. man! You’re Sleepy. Everyone’s saying Nebario’s Sleepy, he’s like the Mexican Wolverine and shit. Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product.
Scarface: Why ain’t he talking?
[Jenko hesitates before replying in a high pitched Mexican voice]
Jenko: My name is Jeff.
Schmidt: He’s half A, man.

 

[to Jenko]
Schmidt: Hey, but tell him about Massey Kissi dinner, man. Tell him about that crazy adventure you guys had.
[Jenko look at Schmidt uncomfortably]
Jenko: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Schmidt: Oh, man! When you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The details was so rich.
Jenko: I don’t know.
Schmidt: It was rich detail. Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story so that we all know.
[Jenko looks uncomfortable]
Jenko: Oh, yes. Uh, it was Dora, and Diego and Swiper.
Scarface: Swiper?
Schmidt: And who was that you choked out, man? Oh, he had it coming. Who was that?
Jenko: Boots.
Schmidt: No, man! That wasn’t Boots! Boots isn’t a real name. You got to tell them the real story, man. Start over from the top! That’s a made up name!

 

[The Ghost walks over and looks at Schmidt and Jenko with suspicion]
The Ghost: Can’t believe the punks I have to deal with these days.
[he pulls out a switchblade and ejects the blade]
The Ghost: Really makes me miss the 90s.
[he places the edge of the knife against Schmidt’s throat for a moment]
The Ghost: When we had professional around.
[he then turns the knife around and offers it to them]
The Ghost: You want to check out the goods? Check it out.
[Schmidt takes the knife]
The Ghost: And shut up. Right?
[to Scarface; referring to Ghost]
Schmidt: Where did you find this gringo, man? The fucking Mumford & Sons concert and shit?
[he laughs]

 

[Schmidt and Jenko get into the back of Ghost’s truck and open a crate]
Jenko: What is it? Guns? Drugs?
[suddenly an octopus jumps on Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Oh! Oh, no! No!
Jenko: Ew!
[the octopus then starts inking in Schmidt’s mouth]
Schmidt: It’s inking in my mouth!
[Jenko tries to get the octopus off Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Tenticle is in me!
[Jenko tries to pry the octopus off of Schmidt’s face]
Jenko: It’s so strong! It’s got a pretty strong hold, man.
Schmidt: Get it off my face!
[finally Jenko manages to pull the octopus off of Schmidt’s face, not realizing that in their panic they had drop their accents]
Schmidt: Ah! Shit!
Jenko: We got murdered by exotic animals. It’s like we expected it to be in there.
The Ghost: Your accents are gone, man. Take them out, guys. They’re cops.
[suddenly Ghost and his men start shooting at them]

 

[as Ghost’s men are shooting at them, Ghost gets into the truck and starts pulling away]
Jenko: What was that?
Schmidt: I think we’re moving.
[Ghost drives off in the truck]
Schmidt: We’re definitely moving!
[as the animals in the crates are set loose]
Jenko: There’s fucking bird and shit in here!
[some birds fly past them]
Schmidt: What the fuck?!
[then Jenko notices a reptile]
Jenko: There’s a fucking dragon in here!
[suddenly Jenko screams when a bird lands on his back]

 

[as Ghost drives off he hits into Schmidt’s and Jenko’s car making it explode]
Jenko: What was that?
[they look out to see their car burning]
Jenko: Dude, that was our car! We shared so much in that car! I’m going to shoot him in the face, man! That was our fucking car!
[suddenly Jenko hops on top of the truck]
Schmidt: What are you doing? I can’t t-move onto the truck! Don’t make me do the move!
Jenko: Just get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t do that!
Jenko: Then fucking climb around, come on! Climb around!
[Schmidt goes to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Come on, buddy! You go it!
[Schmidt dangles on the side of the truck]
Schmidt: This is so scary! Don’t leave me out here!
[to Scarface as Schmidt is trying to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Shoot him!
[Scarface takes his gun out and tries to shoot Schmidt]
Scarface: I’m all out!
The Ghost: You stupid moron!

 

[finally Jenko manages to help Schmidt climb onto the truck’s roof]
Jenko: Come up.
Schmidt: Fuck!
Jenko: Alright! You good?
Schmidt: Yeah!
Jenko: All you got to do is follow me now, okay?
[Jenko turns to go and as Schmidt goes to follow him his foot in a rope, he falls over the edge, dangling over the edge of the truck]
Jenko: Shit!
Schmidt: Aaaah!
Jenko: Dude, get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t!
Jenko: Alright, fine! I can do this.
Schmidt: I’m going to die!
Jenko: You’re not going to die! Just get the fuck up here!
[Jenko uses the end of the rope to drag Schmidt across the truck as he continues to dangle over the edge]
Jenko: Pull yourself up. Use your foot. Come on, come on, come one!
[Jenko manages to pull Schmidt up and onto the roof]
Jenko: Yeah! You good to stand on your own now?
Schmidt: Yeah!

 

Scarface: I think we lost them.
[suddenly Jenko leaps onto front of the truck]
Scarface: Shit!
[then Jenko breaks something off the roof]
Scarface: He’s like the fucking Terminator!
[Jenko starts hitting the windshield and breaks it]
Jenko: You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the fucking truck over, right fucking now!
[he puts his arms inside through the whole in the windshield and grabs hold of Ghost]
Jenko: You owe me a car! It better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!
[at the same time Schmidt finally manages to stand on the roof]
Schmidt: I did it!

 

[as he’s holds onto Ghost through the broken windshield]
Jenko: You have the right to remain silent!
[Schmidt suddenly notices a beam coming up ahead]
Schmidt: Oh, shit!
[Schmidt goes smack straight into the beam sending him flying and as Jenko is tied to Schmidt via the rope, Jenko goes off the hood as well and the both hang off the beam]
The Ghost: Holy Moses!
[Ghost and Scarface get away as Schmidt and Jenko hang off the beam]
Jenko: Shit! What happened?
Schmidt: I think they got away.

 

[Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of Hardy, who simply stares at Schmidt]
Deputy Chief Hardy: Is that a hickey?
[Schmidt turns his head to reveal massive marks on the side of his neck]
Schmidt: Oh, this, uh, this was actually, uh, an octopus from the incident. Um, I opened a crate, and, uh, the octopus had leapt onto my face and it has apparently they have many many arms. Um…
Deputy Chief Hardy: They have eight tentacles.
Schmidt: Yes. And, uh…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the Jump Street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. We’ve doubled their budget, as if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
[Jenko chuckles]
Jenko: Yeah. Like that’s going to work.

 

Deputy Chief Hardy: Yeah. Well, the Commissioner’s convinced this debacle happened because you weren’t doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn’t get that it’s always worse the second time around. You settle into worn out roles.
[pointing to Schmidt then Jenko]
Deputy Chief Hardy: One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow painful unraveling as all of the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound like us. I mean…
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m getting a divorce.
[there’s a small pause]
Jenko: We don’t want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling, you got to find another ceiling and you got to bust through that one. And you just got to keep hammering ceilings…
Schmidt: Okay, okay, okay.
Jenko: What if we actually went to the Secret Service and like try to protect the White House? I think, I’m saying we can…
Schmidt: I don’t think, I don’t think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m going to ask you to stop talking.
Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone’s happy.

 

[Jenko and Schmidt are standing outside the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
Jenko: I can’t believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Schmidt: Yeah. But I mean good thing there was even a bigger abandoned church directly across the street.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s convenient.
Schmidt: Yes, it is convenient.
[they walk over to the bigger church at 22 Jump Street]
Jenko: Next year we’ll probably be just right back across the street, just next door.
Schmidt: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jenko: I’m not ahead of ourselves, it’s right next to us.
[as they walk into the church at 22 Jump Street we see behind them is a sign for “23 Jump Street Condominiums”]

 

Captain Dickson: And we got some new dumb-ass interns.
[to the interns]
Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Look alive!
Jenko: Ha-ha! Boys!
Delroy: Yoh, Jenko!
[he holds up his and curls his fist like he’s strangling Jenko’s neck, Jenko pretends he’s being strangled then holds up his and pretends to do the same to Delroy]
Roman: Hey, Schmidt!
[Roman tries to do the same to Schmidt, but Schmidt just looks at them and shakes his head]
Schmidt: Don’t do that.

 

[Jenko and Schmidt are sat in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: So you want the same shit, so here we go.
[he throws a folder to Schmidt and Jenko]
Captain Dickson: Same identities, same assignment.
Jenko: We’re going back to high school?
Captain Dickson: Your ass look like you’re about fifty. You’re going to MC State.
Schmidt: We’re going to college, for real?
Captain Dickson: Somebody’s out here, they’re cooking up a new drug. It’s Adderall mixed with Ecstasy, mixed with God knows what else.
[Jenko looks at his file and tries to read the name of drug which is “WHYPHY”]
Jenko: Wipey?
Captain Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker. Why-Phy. Stands for: Work Hard? Yes, Play Hard? Yes. Now these kids take this shit and they get laser focused for about four hours studying and then they party it’s like Goddamn 1999.
[referring to the photo of a girl in his file]
Schmidt: Who’s this?
Captain Dickson: That’s Cynthia Watson. She was a student at MC State, took Why-phy, got locked out of her dorm, ended up falling off the roof. Now she’s dead.

 

[Dickson passes a folder with photo’s of Cynthia Watts to Jenko]
Captain Dickson: That’s her buying drugs on campus, and that’s the dealer. Find him and we’ll find the supplier.
Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie really how much we care.
Schmidt: Um, no we’re not. If it was a white person I wouldn’t even care. One less crackerass crackhead to worry about.
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!

 

[Jenko and Schmidt arrive at MC Stat campus]
Schmidt: You alright?
Jenko: Yeah. It’s just I’m the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
[Schmidt gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]
Schmidt: Best part is we get to do it together.
[they walk together down the dorm hallway carrying all their stuff]
Jenko: What’s up, college?
[referring to their dorm room number]
Schmidt: Three-twenty-two.
[to one of the students]
Jenko: What’s up, bro? Fuck high school, right?
[he gives the student a high five]
Schmidt: Fuck me, that is cool.

 

[as they enter their dorm room]
Jenko: Oh, so tight!
Schmidt: Oh, this is so baller. Hey!
[Jenko jumps onto his bed and hits his head on the mattress]
Jenko: Shit.
Schmidt: Oh. Yoh, that’s, uh, that looks like cum.
[Jenko quickly gets off the bed]
Jenko: It’s cum, okay. Alright.
[Schmidt steps outside and says to the student passing by]
Schmidt: Already got cum on the mattress, dog.

 

[they look at the stuff they’ve brought to college]
Schmidt: Welcome to college.
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
[they face each other holding their hampers]
Jenko: Pop-up hamper.
[they release their pop-up hamper at the same time]
Schmidt: Shower caddy.
[Schmidt holds the shower caddy and places something in it]
Jenko: Hot plate.
[Jenko holds out the box containing the hot plate]
Schmidt: Bean bag chair.
[Schmidt holds out the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
[Jenko holds up a shirt with slogan “Beer Pong”]
Jenko: Three shower poofs.
[holds them up]
Schmidt: Some bacon machine that my mom got me. I do not understand how it works.
[holds up the box containing the machine]
Jenko: This thing.
[Jenko holds up a retro looking desk lamp]
Schmidt: Q-tips.
[Jenko smacks the box of Q-tips out of Schmidt’s hand by hitting him with the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Bean bag chair.
[they both hold one end of the comforter]
Jenko: Comforter that I will not wash for the next 6 months.
Schmidt: That’s true.
[we see their weapons and bullets]
Jenko: Super high tech police gear.
[Schmidt holds up a gun]
Schmidt: Carte blanche with the budget, motherfucker.

 

[Jenko sticks up a poster of a Lamborghini on the wall in their dorm room]
Schmidt: I’m going to veto that poster, it’s a touch childish.
Jenko: Okay. What do Lambo’s have to do with touching children?
Schmidt: Lambo’s are lame.
Jenko: I get one choice. I get one thing that I’m not, I can just do whatever I want to.
Schmidt: It’s just that we have to agree. You know what I mean?
[they are then interrupted by two students]
Kenny Yang: What up, fellas? We’re your across the hall neighbors.
Schmidt: Oh, hey.
Jenko: Oh, you’re twins. What’s up, man?
Kenny Yang: We’re the Yangs, man.
Jenko: What’s going on, man?
Kenny Yang: Kenny Yang. What’s up?
Schmidt: What’s going on?
Keith Yang: Keith Yang.
Kenny Yang: How you doing, man?
[they all shake hands]

 

Jenko: Did you say the Yangs?
Kenny Yang: Yeah, dad’s Chinese, man.
Keith Yang: Our mom’s not Chinese, she’s black.
Schmidt: Oh.
Jenko: Okay.
Keith Yang: She’s like real black.
Kenny Yang: Like Wesley Snipes black.
Keith Yang: Exactly.
Schmidt: We’re brothers too.
[the Yangs laugh]
Jenko: No, he’s not, he’s not kidding. He’s serious.
Keith Yang: Oh, really?
Kenny Yang: Is like one of you older?
Jenko: Mm.

 

[pointing to Schmidt and Jenko]
Keith Yang: You got crows feet under your eyes, man.
[to Schmidt]
Keith Yang: You specific.
Schmidt: We’re actually just normal college age.
Kenny Yang: I mean even if you were older, that’s cool, man. Because, you know, girls here love older dudes.
Keith Yang: That’s true.
Kenny Yang: Plus, the girls are here, especially during Spring Break.
Jenko: I love Spring Break. But I do have to say I’ve fucked a thousand girls by now, and I don’t know, at the end of the day you just kind of want something that’s just a little deeper really.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, balls deeper.
[they turn to each other and say at the same time]
Keith & Kenny Yang: James bought me a coke. Oh, snap, man. We’re still saying the same thing! This is amazing! Carrots, pumpernickels, glow sticks, twins!
Kenny Yang: Cool, dude.
Keith Yang: That was so sweet.

 

Schmidt: That’s crazy. We have that brother connection too.
Jenko: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Are you ready?
Jenko: Yep.
[the turn to each other and say at the same time]
Schmidt: Pirates!
Jenko: Paper clips!
Schmidt: Babies!
Jenko: Bananas!
Schmidt: Socks!
Jenko: I don’t know!
Schmidt: Anger!
Jenko: Words!
Schmidt: Questions!
Jenko: Shoes!
Schmidt: Boom!
Jenko: Yeah.
Keith Yang: That was awesome.
Kenny Yang: That’s great.

 

[later as they are getting washed up in the bathroom]
Schmidt: It’s going to be super fun. Alright? Same as last time.
Jenko: If it’s like last time, you’re going to have an awesome time and it’s going to suck for me.
Schmidt: No. You’re going to have an awesome time too because I’m going to make sure of it. You took a bullet for me.
Jenko: That’s right, I did, and it sucked. I won’t do it again.
Schmidt: No way, it’s my turn. I owe you a life debt.
[just then a girl wearing nothing but a towel enters]
Jenko: Girl coming through.
Schmidt: What?
[the girl stands next to Schmidt and starts brushing her teeth, Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. I’m not going to take a shit the entire time I’m here.
Jenko: I know.

 

[to the girl in the bathroom]
Jenko: Hey.
Schmidt: How are you doing?
Girl in Bathroom: Hi.
[Jenko leaves]
Schmidt: What’s up?
Girl in Bathroom: What’s up?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use.
[the girl looks at Schmidt as he leaves]

 

[as the enter the college library]
Jenko: They still have books! I thought they just put books inside the computers.
Schmidt: Yeah, I guess the kids just use this to hide and have sex. So we’ll go to all of Cynthia’s classes and activities, ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is.
Jenko: Yeah, it’s just like last time.
Schmidt: Exactly like last time.
[looking at his classes timetable]
Jenko: Dude, in Human Sexuality do you get to fuck or do you just get to watch people fuck?
Schmidt: Neither.
Jenko: Then what the fuck am I taking it for then?

 

[list of Cynthia Watson’s classes shows Psychology 101 – Intro to Psychology, Schmidt takes the Psychology class]
Psychology Professor: Obviously we’ve all heard the statement before, “first impressions are important.” I’ve got a first impression for you.
[he clears his throat then suddenly lowers his voice doing impression]
Psychology Professor: “I don’t like Psychology.” Tracy Morgan.
[there’s an awkward silence as the entire class just looks at him]
Psychology Professor: Nobody?
[Schmidt whispers to the stoned looking student sat close to him]
Schmidt: Work hard, play hard, am I right?
[the student looks around him before replying]
Stoned-Looking Kid: You looking for some Why-Phy?
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m going to be sick.
Stoned-Looking Kid: Go to the Police Station, walk in and ask your Captain to see the evidence room, because you’re a fucking narc.
Schmidt: I think you’re mistaking me…
Stoned-Looking Kid: You’re literally wearing a badge.
[Schmidt looks down at his shirt]
Stoned-Looking Kid: Did you really just check to see if you were wearing a badge? This guy’s a fucking cop.
Schmidt: I didn’t look down.

 

[Jenko goes to the next class in Cynthia’s class list which is in History]
Professor Jacobs: “Wait, Professor Jacobs. Doesn’t history happen a long time ago?” Well, history happened every second of every day…
[Jenko notices a student who look like football player, Rooster, sat behind him; to his friend]
Rooster: This class is such a gut.
[to Rooster as Jenko sees the football in his hand]
Jenko: Hey, you guys play football?
Rooster: [sarcastically] No, this is actually my laptop. Yeah, I’m taking notes right now, huh? I’m kidding, it’s a football.
[suddenly the professor addresses Jenko]
Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade?
Jenko: Covalent bonds.
Professor Jacobs: What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Jenko: Why would you ask me? I’m not a cop.
Professor Jacobs: Because this is a college seminar and that’s how college seminars work. A Professor gets into a lively conversation with a student, friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Jenko: Well, it’s definitely harder to get drugs. I can personally tell you that.
Professor Jacobs: The average price of cocaine has dropped seventy percent in the last thirty years.
Jenko: Then your dealer’s probably selling you some pretty stepped on shit.
[the students laugh]

 

Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade, college is a wonderful place. This is where you get to decide who you actually are instead of the person that you’re clearly pretending to be right now. Which everyone sees through, by the way. You got to decide do I just keep doing the same thing, or am I going to choose a different path? And question my convictions.
Jenko: I don’t have any prior convictions.
[Jacobs stares at Jenko]
Jenko: Why are you saying this stuff?
Professor Jacobs: That’s exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. McQuade! I want you to question what I’m saying! This is the basis of this whole course, and that’s the beauty of college! You can say whatever you want! You can be whatever you want! I mean I have tenure, I can really say whatever I want. George Washington was a black lesbian. The Eiffel Tower’s made of dildos. They can’t fire me. I’m indestructible. I’m sleeping with two of my students.
[pointing to the students]
Professor Jacobs: Her and her, I actually am. Now, just like you did before, I want you, right now, to say whatever you want. Say whatever you want.
Jenko: F-f-Fighto.
Professor Jacobs: Fighto! Not a word, but I’m going to accept it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. McQuade. The only way you can fail this class is by not becoming who you truly are!
[to the female student sat in the front]
Professor Jacobs: Please respond to my text.

 

[next the duo go to an “Open Mic Night” which is on the Cynthia Watson’s list of activities]
Improv Student: Okay, we got time for just one more improv game. For this one we need a ton of different suggestions. So, uh, we just need you guys to fill in the blank in the sentence that we’re going to set up. So, it’ll go like this, “Oh, I’m so hungry. I wish I had a…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out]
Jenko: Tampon!
Improv Student: Okay. But we want it, we want it to be actual food, so that it like makes sense with the game. It’s more fun that way. So, uh, let’s try it one more time. “Oh, I’ve got to get home so I can feed my…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out again]
Jenko: Boner!
Improv Student: You know what? Let’s just play the game, okay?

 

[Schmidt notices a female student, Maya, entering the hall]
Schmidt: That girl’s in my Psych class.
Jenko: Damn, she’s hot. Go talk to her.

 

Schmidt: You come talk to her with me.
Jenko: Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go.
[Schmidt starts to make his way towards Maya, at the same time the improv students on stage finish their segment and walk off the stage]
Rathskellar Host: Alright, alright. Coming to the stage we got…
[the host gets distracted by one of the female students walking off stage]
Rathskellar Host: J-Bones, AKA, J…
[Schmidt stands next to Maya]
Schmidt: Hey.
Maya: Hi.
Schmidt: I think we’re in the same Psych class.
Maya: Oh, yeah. Hi.
Schmidt: Yeah.

 

[Maya and Schmidt watch the slam poet act on the stage]
Slam Poet #1: Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills! Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes Amanda Bynes. Drop that raggedy Andy Serkis. Circle jerkus!
[Jenko goes to sit next to the two improv students that were on the stage earlier]
Jenko: Oh, you guys are in the improv class, right?
Improv Student: You’re the guy with the terrible suggestions.
Jenko: Yeah, yeah. You’re welcome, man. Yeah.
[meanwhile the poet on stage finishes]
Slam Poet #1: Thanks, guys. Um, Lady J’s going to be up next for you.

 

[to Maya]
Schmidt: Cynthia, that girl who died, she used to come here all the time, right?
Maya: Hm.
[they watch as the next slam poet comes on stage]
Slam Poet #2: This piece is called “Areolas.”
Schmidt: Did you know her?
Maya: Yeah, she lived across the hall from me.
Schmidt: Yeah?
Maya: So why do you care so much?
Schmidt: I’m, uh, I’m writing a, um…
[trying to come up with a reason, Schmidt looks at the poet on the stage delivering her performance]
Schmidt: Uh, a slam poem in her honor. Early stages, very early stages.
Maya: Really?
Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah.

 

[back to Jenko and the improv students]
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better just to like plan stuff out ahead of time and make sure it’s funny and you’re not saying anything in front of people to embarrass yourself?
Improv Student: That’s, uh, that’s a thing that people do, that’s stand-up comedy.
Jenko: That’s probably what you should because that stuff is funny.
[back to the slam poet on stage]
Slam Poet #2: My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation.
[to Maya as they watch the poet]
Schmidt: What do you think of this?
Maya: I actually think it’s really powerful.
Schmidt: That’s cool that you said that because I actually thought it was really powerful too, when a girl is talking about her nips and shit.

 

[the slam poet finishes and the host comes back on stage]
Rathskellar Host: Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share?
[to Schmidt]
Maya: Let’s see your do your act.
Rathskellar Host: Anymore poets in the audience?
[Schmidt is aught off guard]
Schmidt: I’m, I’m…
Maya: You do really do poetry?
Schmidt: I do, and I will.
Rathskellar Host: Improvisers. Dancers.
[to the host]
Maya: We got somebody!
Schmidt: What?
Rathskellar Host: Okay, we got somebody. Alright! Give it up, guys.
Maya: Yeah.
[Maya claps for Schmidt to get up on stage]
Maya: Let’s see you up there.
Schmidt: Okay. Okay.
Maya: No pressure.
Schmidt: You’ll see, it’s good.
Maya: Yeah!
[Schmidt makes his reluctantly to the stage]

 

[Jenko laughs to himself as Schmidt makes his way to the stage]
Schmidt: Um, this is a working progress. So, uh…
[he nervously looks at the silent audience and then begins]
Schmidt: Slam. Poetry. Yelling. Angry. Waving my hands a lot. Specific point of view on things. Cynthia. Cyn-thi-a. Jesus died for our Cynthia’s. Jesus cried. Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts. Julia, why.
[he picks up a tambourine and drops it to the ground making Maya laugh]
Schmidt: Hurts. Cynthia. Mmm, Cynthia. You’re dead. You are dead. Bah-boo-beep-bap- bap-boo-bap. You’re dead.
[he looks at Jenko who’s giving him the cut off sign to end it]
Schmidt: That’s for Cynthia, who’s dead.
[Schmidt walks off the stage and surprisingly the audience applauds him]

 

[after attending all of Cynthia’s classes and activities]
Schmidt: I don’t have a single lead.
Jenko: I do. I hear you can get Why-Phy on campus anywhere twenty-four-seven.
Schmidt: Do you think they mean Why-Phy the drug or Wi-Fi like the internet?
Jenko: What, what…
[suddenly realizes how stupid he’s been]
Jenko: Fuck you, brain. How did we find the dealer so easily the first time?
Schmidt: Well, his number was literally on a sticker.
Jenko: Well let’s go find this guy’s sticker.
Schmidt: I don’t think this guy does stickers.
Jenko: Well, we need help. We need to consult an expert.
[just then they hear Keith and Kenny playing a video game in their room]
Keith Yang: Yoh, dude, you shot him in the dick.
[they high five each other]
Kenny Yang: I got him in the dick.
Keith Yang: Yeah!
[as they both have the same thought Jenko and Schmidt turn to each other]
Schmidt, Jenko: Shot him in the dick.

 

[the duo go to prison to visit Mr. Walters]
Mr. Walters: Ho! If it isn’t Turner and Hooch in the flesh!
[to Jenko]
Mr. Walters: Holy shit, you are looking fit! Mm!
[shouting to Eric in he cell behind him]
Mr. Walters: Hey! You should get some tip from this guy, he’s looking good! Look at those pectoral muscles. That’s the kind of definition I want out of you, man.
Jenko: What’s up, Eric?
Eric looking very depressed from behind the bars replies
Eric Molson: Hey.

 

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, we should, um, or I should apologize for, uh…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my penis off?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Mr. Walters: Yeah. Don’t sweat it, brother. I’m liberated. Totally! You know they gave me a vagina. It’s awesome. You guys want to see it?
[Walters rises to open his overalls]
Schmidt, Jenko: No! No, no, no, no!
Schmidt: No, no, no!
Jenko: No, it’s fine.
Mr. Walters: Alright. Eric’s seen it. Eric’s been all over that shit. Isn’t that right, Eric?
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Eric Molson: You guys got to get me the fuck out of here.
Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what? I’m Eric’s bitch.
Eric Molson: No, you’re not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! I’m your bitch! Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t mean that, you know that, right?

 

Mr. Walters: I’m such a bitch when the old flow shows up. It bleeds so much, it’s crazy! It’s like the elevator doors opening in The Shining.
Eric Molson: Your vagina doesn’t fucking work, man.
Mr. Walters: Worked for you last night!
[Walters chuckles then sticks his tongue out]
Schmidt: You’re so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship.
Mr. Walters: Eric, am I forcing you into anything?
Eric Molson: Yes.
Mr. Walters: See.
Schmidt: Look, they sent us undercover to college to find the dealer of this new synthetic and no one will tell us anything.
Mr. Walters: It’s because you guys look like fucking narcs. Alright? College kids aren’t dumb like Eric.
Eric Molson: I was supposed to go to Berkeley.

 

Schmidt: Well, they gave us pictures, so we do have that.
[Jenko slides a picture towards Walters]
Mr. Walters: Well that’s you lead, motherfucker! That’s what you start with!
Schmidt: I know, but we can’t see his face. We don’t know who it is.
[Walter screws up his face and repeats Schmidt’s words to mock him]
Mr. Walters: “We don’t know who it is. I’m Schmidt, my pants are so dirty. Ugh!” That’s you.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything like me.
Jenko: You sort of sound like that.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything…
[Walters screws up his face and mocks Schmidt again]
Mr. Walters: “That doesn’t anything like me.”
Jenko: It’s not not you.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything like me!
Mr. Walters: Eric, close your eyes and tell me who’s talking, right now!
[screws his face up and whines like a baby to mock Schmidt, Eric replies with his eyes closed]
Eric Molson: That’s Schmidt being a little bitch.
Schmidt: It’s just a good impression.

 

[Walters looks at the picture of the drug dealer]
Mr. Walters: Woh! Nice job, super sleuths. Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture?
Jenko: Yeah.
Mr. Walters: Huh? There’s a reflection right here.
[he points to the dealers arm in the picture which has a tattoo]
Mr. Walters: Your fucking guy’s got a tattoo. Find the tattoo, find the dealer.

 

[the duo visit a tattoo parlor and show him the picture of the tattoo]
Tattoo Artist: Fuck, man. I don’t know. I do stupid tattoos to drunk kids.
Jenko: Do you remember that stupid tattoo?
[the picture shows the tattoo on his arm is of a bazooka with “BOOM” written in a cloud]
Tattoo Artist: A bazooka? I think I might have did it on a football player? A guy with a red mawhawk. I don’t know, they all start to look the same.
Jenko: I think I know exactly who he’s talking about.

 

[the duo try out for the football team and watch as Rooster tackles another student roughly to the ground]
Rooster: Yeah! Fuck you! Fuck you, you little walk-on, fuck!
[to Jenko as he touches his shoulder pads]
Schmidt: I can’t like move around in these things.
Rooster: God, I love walk-on day!
[Jenko smiles to himself looking happy and says quietly]
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
[Schmidt watches as Jenko Q-tips his ear]
Schmidt: Is this a good time to be Q-tipping?
[to the walk-ons]
Rooster: You’re all fucking pussies!

 

Jenko: Dude, you don’t have to do this.
Schmidt: What?
Jenko: I just don’t want you to get hurt.
Schmidt: I’m not going to get hurt…
[just then Rooster pushes past Schmidt rudely]
Rooster: Whoops!
Schmidt: Aah!
Jenko: Shit.
[Schmidt stumbles onto Jenko who gets pushed into Rooster’s friend, Zook, which makes him drop his sandwich to the ground]
Jenko: Oh, dude, I’m so sorry.
Zook: It’s alright, man. Don’t worry about it, man.
Jenko: You sure?
Zook: Yeah.
Jenko: Aright.
[just then they both bend down at the same time to pick up the sandwich and smack their heads together]
Zook: I’ll get it.
Jenko: Okay. I got it.
[they both bend down again to grab the sandwich and hit their heads again]
Zook: Ow!

 

[Schmidt watches as Jenko and Zook are still trying to pick up Zook’s sandwich off the ground]
Zook: That’s fine.
Jenko: Oh, my God. I got.
Zook: No, no. Let me get it. Let me get it.
Jenko: No, I got it. Let me just get it.
Zook: No, I got it. I got it.
Jenko: Let me get it.
[they both bend down again to get the sandwich when Jenko notices his Q-tip has fallen into Zook’s sandwich, he picks it up]
Jenko: Dude, I’m sorry. I got my Q-tip in your meat.
Zook: No, man. I got my, I got my meat in your Q-tip. It’s like a whole new type of sandwich. It’s like a meat-Q-tip.
[Zook chuckles]
Jenko: Like a meat-Q.
[they both laugh]
Zook: Like a meat-Q! That’s funny.
[to the other football players]
Zook: Hey, you guys, want some of this sandwich? It’s a meat-Q sandwich. Me and this guy are having a meat-Q.
[Zook and Jenko laugh]

 

Zook: You’re hilarious, dude. What’s your name?
Jenko: Brad.
Zook: Brad.
[Jenko shakes Zook’s hand]
Jenko: Wait, uh, yeah. Yeah, it’s Brad.
Zook: I’m Zook. Nice to meet you.
Jenko: Nice to meet you too, man.
[Jenko then shows impressive skills on the field as he plays and knocks down Rooster who tries to tackle him]
Jenko: You love walk-on day now?
[Jenko gives Rooster a hand to stand and Rooster winces in pain as he appears to have hurts his arm]
Jenko: Arm alright? You want to take the sleeve off?
Rooster: Yeah, I’m good.
[Rooster gives Jenko an unfriendly look then turns and walks away]

 

Zook: Dude, holy shit! What a great fucking catch!
[they shake hands]
Jenko: If you see that safety line at that ID line it would be quicker.
Zook: Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn’t know you had wheels like that, bro.
[just then Schmidt joins them]
Schmidt: It’s funny, because he’s my brother, so.
Zook: Um, hey, uh, you know, uh, we have this fresh party. Uh, Zeta, I don’t know if you’re thing, but I thought, you know, you could come by and meet the guys, it’d be really fun.
Jenko: Yeah.
Schmidt: Maybe we will.
Zook: Yeah. Are you guys like together?
Jenko: Yeah, he’s my bro.
[Zook laughs]
Zook: Funny. Funny, dude. That’s funny.
[realizing Jenko is being serious]
Zook: Oh, uh, really? Wow. Um, okay. Yeah, man. Sure. You too, you can come too.
Jenko: We’ll see what we can do.
Schmidt: Yeah. Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier that you didn’t acknowledge, so.
[to Jenko, not acknowledging Schmidt]
Zook: Great catch.
Schmidt: Cool, yeah.
Zook: Bye. See you then.
[Zook touches helmets with Jenko, ignores Schmidt, turns and walks off]
Schmidt: I see you don’t want to address that…
[to Jenko as Zook walks away]
Schmidt: What the fuck is up with that guy?

 

[as they get ready to go the party]
Schmidt: All we have to do now is watch the frat long enough to confirm that Rooster has the bazooka tattoo.
Jenko: Look, man, do you think it’s cool if you come? Because, I mean, he kind of really just asked me, and I just don’t want to throw it off with this guy.
[Schmidt chuckles]
Schmidt: Dude, you’re tripping. We do everything together. You should lose the puka shells though.
[Jenko touches the necklace he’s wearing]
Schmidt: Things are different since you didn’t go to college.

 

[later as the duo arrive at the Zeta house for the frat party]
Zook: Yoh, Brad! What’s up, dude?
[Zook notices Jenko’s puka shells]
Zook: Same puka, dude!
[he holds up his own puka shells he’s wearing around his neck]
Jenko: You got the same?
Zook: Holy shit!
[they laugh and do a high five as Schmidt looks at them with obvious jealousy]
Zook: Oh, my God! Look at we’re wearing? And the same jewelry.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s too… Man!
Zook: Dude.
Jenko: I knew that we were going to be connected just like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, why don’t you guys tie your dicks together and get married?

 

[Rooster joins Jenko, Schmidt and Zook]
Jenko: Rooster! What’s up, bro?
[Rooster and Jenko do a quick hug]
Schmidt: What’s up? How are you doing, man?
[Rooster ignores Schmidt and looks at Jenko’s puka]
Rooster: You look good in the puka.
Jenko: Thanks, dude. I can’t believe we’re wearing the same.
Schmidt: How are you doing, Rooster?
[to Schmidt as Rooster turns and walks off]
Jenko: Rooster is getting some punch, why don’t you go check him out?

 

[as the party continues, Jenko is standing in the corner alone drinking looking awkward, he watches as Jenko and Zook continue to bond, then he notices Rooster next to him also watching Jenko and Zook]
Schmidt: Hey, what’s up?
Rooster: What’s up? Rooster.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, I know. Uh, we met before.
Rooster: Oh, really? I don’t remember that all. You must have a really plain face.
Schmidt: Yeah, they call me “old plain face.”
Rooster: They call you that?
Schmidt: So do you have any body art or like any ink I could see?
[Rooster looks at Schmidt with suspicion]
Rooster: That’s a pretty random question.
Schmidt: Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man.
[Schmidt extends his hand to shake Roosters]
Rooster: Nice to meet you, man.
[as they shake hands suddenly Schmidt grabs Rooster’s arm and tries to pull up his sleeve and Rooster quickly pushes his hand away]
Rooster: Yoh! Fuck!
Schmidt: What the fuck are you doing, dude?
Rooster: Are you serious right now?
Schmidt: You’re being weird. You’ve been dissed.
[Schmidt walks off]

 

[Schmidt finds Jenko and Zook continuing to bond outside and goes to join them, but they ignore his presence]
Zook: Hey, hey, dude, do you want to go see the roof?
Jenko: Of course I want to see the roof, dude! Come on, let’s go. Let’s go.
[to Schmidt]
Jenko: Come on over to the roof. Come on over to the roof.
[Jenko suddenly runs over to the balcony pillar ahead, jumps up grabs the edge of the balcony and pulls himself into the balcony, Zook then does the same]
Jenko: Come on, you can do it. Come on! Come on! Come on!
Zook: I miss climbing so much.
[Schmidt watches them from below]
Schmidt: Okay.
[to Schmidt]
Jenko: Come on, let’s go! Come on.
Schmidt: Alright. Uh…
[Schmidt runs awkwardly to the pillar, tries to jump and climb up it but fails]
Jenko: One more time.
Schmidt: I’m just going to go home. I don’t know hard core, so.
Jenko: Okay.

 

[after leaving the party Schmidt is walking back home when Maya notices him]
Maya: Hey, Maya Angelou!
Schmidt: Poetry. Okay, I got it.
[Schmidt walks over to Maya]
Schmidt: Make fun of the poetry major.
Maya: So, I guess you have no interest in having a real job in the future?
Schmidt: Absolutely not.
Maya: No, right?
[they both laugh]
Schmidt: What about you?
Maya: Um, I’m an art major.
Schmidt: Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit, because…
Maya: No, I can’t. I’m cannot.
Schmidt: You’re never going to make any money in art.
[Schmidt laughs]
Maya: I’m never going to make any money, so don’t tell my parents.
Schmidt: When I talk to your parents tonight I will not tell them about your major.
[Maya laughs]
Maya: Okay, thank you.
Schmidt: You’re welcome.

 

Schmidt: Alright, Art Major. What do you think about that?
[he points to the two egg shaped sculptures opposite them]
Maya: Um, I would say that it’s these two beings leaning up against each other in perfect balance. If one where to fall, they would just lose each other. So, it’s just about support.
Schmidt: You can’t admit that it looks exactly like testicles?
[Maya smiles]
Maya: That’s exactly what it looks like.
[they both laugh]
Schmidt: So is there someone who supports you?
Maya: No, I’m one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself.
Schmidt: Tell me about. I love to be alone. I am like the best at it. I just love when you’re sitting there in a room, and you’re just there with your thoughts and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh! I’m alone. And will anyone ever love me.” Or whatever, and like, “Do I know anyone who would care if I just ever came out of this room or not.” Or whatever, and like, I don’t know, it’s just peaceful. I just like it.
Maya: Yeah, well, if you don’t want to be alone tonight, we are going to go and hang out at the art building. Do you want to come?
Schmidt: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

 

[back at the frat house as Jenko carries on partying and bonding with Zook]
Jenko: I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn’t expect it. What I didn’t expect was tonight would go in the exact way that you would expect. You know what I mean?
Zook: Totally.
[back to Schmidt who’s at the art building with Maya’s friends]
Schmidt: So you guys hang out here a lot?
Spencer: Yeah. I mean, we’re not into the whole frat party kind of stuff. We like to sit around and drink some good wine and talk about some important stuff.
[back to the frat party with Jenko]
Zook: Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day.
Jenko: Those are two of my favorite things to do.
[back to Schmidt with Maya at the art building]
Schmidt: You are like a slightly less attractive version of…
Maya: Picasso?
Schmidt: Picasso.
Maya: Right? I’ve been told that before.
[the rest of the night we see both Jenko and Schmidt bonding with their respective new friends]

 

[Schmidt and Maya are walking towards her dorm room]
Maya: Oh, that’s Cynthia Watson’s room.
[she goes to open the door to her room]
Maya: Oh, it’s only 2. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in?
Schmidt: It’s only 2? I usually go to dinner at like 2 a.m. and stuff. Sure, yeah. Why not?
[Maya leads a happy looking Schmidt into her room]

 

[Jenko and Schmidt are sat on the football goal post]
Rooster: I’m going to do it! I just got to get it at the right angle.
[Rooster rushes to the goal past and tries to pick it up]
Zook: Will you stop!
Rooster: Stupid fucking goal post!
Zook: It’s not possible! You can’t fucking do it.
[to Jenko]
Zook: Fans use to rush the field after every win and pick up the goal post. Coach hated it, so he cemented them in. They strung the field and still tried to do it, they just bounced around.
Rooster: Fucking goal post, bro. You guys might want to hold on because this shit is coming down!
[Rooster takes of his shirt and Jenko notices that Rooster does have a tattoo on his arm but it’s not of a bazooka]
Jenko: Yoh, what is that? The tattoo? What’s that right there?
Rooster: Oh, oh, this?
Jenko: Mm-hmm.
Rooster: It’s my old high school team, “The Plainview Red Herrings.” Look at it swim.
[Rooster starts flexing his muscle, Jenko looks visibly upset that his theory about Rooster was wrong]
Jenko: Shit.
Rooster: What?
Jenko: Shit, that’s a really outside of the box high school mascot.
Rooster: Hold on, guys.
[Rooster rushes towards the goal post and goes head first into it knocking himself out]

 

Zook: Hey, why didn’t you come to practice today? I mean, you’re obviously good enough to play on the team.
Jenko: Look I’m not supposed to be here to play football.
Zook: What?
Jenko: I’m just here to do my assignments and get out, that’s it.
Zook: I mean, yeah, school’s important and whatever, but when I was throwing you the passes, it was like, it was like I knew where you were going to before you went there. I had this vision of me throwing bullet T.D.’s to you, dude. And then all these fans just started going like, “Aaahh! Zook, McQuade! And Zook, McQuade!” They were chanting and chanting, then the goal posts came down.
Jenko: Dude, I have had that exact vision like my entire life. Dude.
Zook: Dude.
Jenko: Bro.
Zook: Bro.
Jenko: Dude.
Zook: Bro
Jenko, Zook: Dude!
Zook: Look, well we fucking can. All you got to do is join team.
[Jenko hesitates before replying]
Jenko: Yeah, why not?
Zook: Yes!
[they shake hands]
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
Zook: Fuck, yeah, dude.

 

[as they hold onto each others hand Jenko suddenly notices something on Zook’s arm]
Jenko: What’s that?
Zook: My tattoo. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
[he rolls up his sleeve to reveal his tattoo which is of a bazooka]
Zook: Look, that’s me. Zook. I got a fucking bazooka for an arm, know what I mean?
[Jenko looks visibly shocked]
Zook: Dude, I’m so fucking pumped that you’re going to be on this team, bro.
Jenko: Yeah.
[they shake hands again]
Jenko: Yep.

 

[the next morning Schmidt wakes up in Maya’s bed with Maya sleeping beside him]
Schmidt: What’s up? How are you doing?
Maya: Hi. Good.
Schmidt: How was the, um, how was the sex for you? It was fun for me, it was a good time.
[Maya smiles]
Maya: Yeah, right.
[Schmidt laughs]
Schmidt: I enjoyed it.
Maya: Yeah.
[as they both laugh we see a girl, Mercedes, sitting on the bed across the room watching them]
Mercedes: This is why I don’t drink.
Maya: Oh.

 

Schmidt: Hey. How you doing?
Mercedes: I’m fine. I mean, when I’m not listening to you guys fornicate all night long.
Maya: Okay.
Mercedes: Thrusting and pumping. I thought your hip popped out at one point. I’m just saying it’s like all fun and games and then you wake up in bed next to a forty year-old freshman.
Schmidt: I’m nineteen, so.
Mercedes: Nineteen minutes late to pinochle? Where you’re meeting your old friends in the park?
Schmidt: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Mercedes: Oh, my gosh. Maya, look at him. He’s still so sharp. This one’s firing. Tell us about the war, any one of them. You’re like the loudest climaxer I’ve ever heard. It was like the sound of like a thirty year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time.
Schmidt: Okay. Well, so lovely talking with you. You’re a lovely person.
Mercedes: Hm. Nice to meet you.
[Mercedes grabs her wash bag, gets up and starts to leave the room]

 

[after Mercedes leaves the room]
Maya: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: She seems nice.
Maya: She’s horrible.
[Maya chuckles]
Maya: God. She was Cynthia’s room mate and I felt bad for her so I told her I would room with her, so.
[there’s a moments awkward silence]
Maya: So you probably have a bunch of stuff you have to do today, right?
Schmidt: No.
Maya: Oh. Okay. Um…
Schmidt: Look, I just want you to know I’m not like “a hit and quit it” type of fella. I’m like “a hit it, continue to hit it, both physically and emotionally” kind of guy.
Maya: Hey, Doug, you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?
Schmidt: No.
Maya: I mean, you’re cool with just hooking up?
Schmidt: Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I’m glad you said something.
Maya: Because I don’t even know if I like you when I’m sober.
Schmidt: No! I know, and it’s like, that doesn’t even hurt, like at all. Okay, so, um, I’m going to split. I’ll text you later. Um, great, that was great sex. You’re good at it.
[Schmidt gets up and starts to leave]
Schmidt: And I’ll text you, in five minutes or something?
Maya: Alright.
[Schmidt leaves]

 

[Schmidt and Jenko are at the headquarters to report to Dickson, both are standing in front of a chart they’ve made with all the leads they’ve found so far, which isn’t any]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck is this? This is bullshit! Are you two fucking around the school again? We got to pay for this shit, we need results!
Schmidt: No, no, no, no! Look, we are looking aggressively for this very specific tattoo.
Jenko: Or the tattoo could just be a dead end.
[Schmidt gives Jenko a surprised look]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck? It’s the same case! Do the same thing!
Schmidt: Well, it’s not exactly the same case, because, uh, one of got laid last night.
Captain Dickson: Schmidt?!
Schmidt: Ssh. Don’t wake up my dick. Fluid on the red eye, it hasn’t got a wink of sleep.
Jenko: Damn.
Schmidt: We’re talking missionary. We’re talking missionary. We’re talking, when I’m on top and she’s on her back. She’s smart, she’s an Art major.
Captain Dickson: She can’t be that smart, she has a fucking Art major.
Schmidt: Come on.
Captain Dickson: I will give you some dap, Schmidt
[Schmidt goes towards Dickson]
Schmidt: Come on, give me some daps, man!
[Dickson extends his hand and Schmidt hits it]
Captain Dickson: Give me some, give me some.
Schmidt: Come on!

 

[in their dorm room, Jenko is reading a book on human sexuality]
Jenko: My Human Sexuality class is blowing my mind. Did you know I used gay slurs in high school?
Schmidt: Yes, directed at me.
Jenko: Dude, I’m so sorry for being a homophone.
Schmidt: Are we going to talk about how weird you were today with Dickson?
Jenko: Look I don’t think the tattoo means what you think it means. I mean, for all we know a lot of people could have that tattoo.
[holding up the photo of the tattoo on the dealers arm]
Schmidt: This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo? Name me one other person who has this?
Jenko: For starters, Zook has it.
Schmidt: Zook has a tattoo?!
Jenko: I think it’s pretty popular.
Schmidt: What the fuck? We’ve been looking for this tattoo for days! Don’t you think this means that Zook is the dealer?
Jenko: I really want you guys to hang out.
Schmidt: We have hung out, he’s completely ignored me. I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to investigate your new BFF. We’re going to put cameras everywhere and we’re going to monitor the fuck out of what he’s doing.
Jenko: We can’t just walk into Zeta House and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay? There’s dudes there everywhere. Alright, your plan is stupid, I’m sorry.
Schmidt: My plan is stupid. That’s interesting.
Jenko: What, what, okay…
[just then the Yang twins enter their room]

 

[the Yang twins watch as Schmidt and Jenko are bickering]
Schmidt: How did you know?
Jenko: From basically like watching you.
Schmidt: Okay. Yeah, exactly. I’m the fucking stupid one.
Jenko: Oh, that’s really fucking stupid.
Keith Yang: Man, it must be hard being so different. We’re exactly the same, it makes everything so much easier.
Jenko: Guys, can you just give some space? We’re really trying to figure something out and we need to focus, okay?
[Jenko takes a bite of the krispie treats he’s been eating]
Keith Yang: You’re not going to have trouble focusing, man.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, man. Yeah, man, those krispie treats got mad Why-Phy in them.
Keith Yang: Yeah, we made a batch for the whole dorm, man.
[Schmidt holds up a piece of the krispie treat]
Schmidt: I’ve eaten six of these.
Keith Yang: Then you’re going to be real focused.
Kenny Yang: Real focused.
Keith Yang: And in about four hours…
Keith & Kenny Yang: …you’re going to be tripping.
[Schmidt drops down onto his bean bag]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck.
Keith & Kenny Yang: It’s alright, man.
Jenko: Who sold you Why-Phy?
Keith Yang: Nobody sold it to us.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, man. Cynthia gave us a buttload and in exchange we wrote her logic paper for her.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Alright, man.
Keith Yang: We’ll see you guys later. Enjoy the food.
[the Yangs turn and leave the room]

 

Schmidt: Maybe this is a good thing. Since we’re going to be focused, let’s use that focus to figure out a way to get into Zook’s house.
Jenko: You feel anything?
Schmidt: No, do you feel anything?
Jenko: No. I have a super high tolerance.
[suddenly the drug takes effect and their pupils shrink]

 

[later that night, still high on the drug the duo sneak to infiltrate Zook’s frat house]
Jenko: I’m so focused!
Schmidt: I’m so focused too!
[they crawl closer to the frat house and Jenko lands on top of Schmidt]
Schmidt: You don’t have to be on top of me.
Jenko: Yes, I do.
Schmidt: Why?
Jenko: Camouflage.
Schmidt: Go, go, go!
[they make to the edge of house and Jenko places camera on the porch]
Schmidt: Let’s go.
[inside the house Zook is leading a meeting about which new student they should recruit for their frat]
Frat Guy: No fucking way.
[Zook points to the photo of the student]
Zook: Okay, so no to Dane?
[the other students put their hands up]
Zook: Alright, out. Alright.

 

[Schmidt shoots a rope gun at the roof of the frat building and manages to get it to land on the edge of the roof]
Schmidt: Bullseye.
Jenko: Bingo.
[as Jenko gets Schmidt toed to the rope to pull him to the roof]
Jenko: That helmet looks kind of lame.
Schmidt: You know what’s not lame? Safety.
[as Schmidt gets slowly pulled up by the rope Jenko quickly jumps onto the balcony and climbs to the top, after reaching the attic window, Jenko uses his laser beamer like he’s cutting through the glass]
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Jenko: I’m cutting glass
Schmidt: It’s a laser pointer, you can’t cut glass.
[Schmidt pushes the window and it opens]
Jenko: What? That’s no fun at all.
[after they enter inside the attic]
Schmidt: I’m so focused.
Jenko: Let’s do this.
Schmidt: I’m so focused.
Jenko: Let’s do this.

 

[Jenko drills several holes through the ceiling, and places cameras through to where Zook and the rest of the frat boys are holding their meeting]
Jenko: Give me another.
Schmidt: We don’t have any more cameras.
[Jenko doesn’t listen and continues to drill holes]
Schmidt: You don’t need to drill any more holes, I don’t have any more…
[Jenko still doesn’t listen and continues to drill holes]
Jenko: Yep, that one’s perfect. Okay, put it through that one.
Schmidt: I don’t have any more cameras, I’ve said it five times.
[after they’ve set up the cameras in the attic]
Schmidt: Alright, let’s look.
Jenko: Okay.
[Jenko gets the iPad and brings up the footage showing Zook holding the frat recruitment meeting]
Schmidt: Time to prove that Zook’s the dealer.
Jenko: Or not the dealer.

 

[the duo watch the footage of Zook carrying on with the frat recruitment meeting]
Zook: Next up is Brad McQuade.
[everyone one in the meeting gives an excited approval of yes, Jenko looks pleased as he watches them]
Jenko: Yes!
Zook: Obviously, right? I mean the guy is, the guy is all time. The guy seems to be honest. I mean, like he was opening up beer cans with his eyes balls.
[to Schmidt as they watch Zook]
Jenko: He’s so sweet, isn’t he?
Zook: So, Brad’s in.
[next comes up Schmidt’s picture]
Zook: Uh, Doug McQuade.
[there’s an immediate chorus of no’s and Schmidt looks clearly upset]
Zook: He’s Brad’s brother, he follows him around everywhere. So I doubt we’d get Brad without Doug.
[to Jenko]
Schmidt: That’s not true, I have a serious girlfriend.

 

[Schmidt and Jenko watch Rooster talking to Zook about Schmidt]
Rooster: I got a bad feeling about this guy.
Zook: Why?
Rooster: I was talking to him for a second, he’s got a big mouth. Okay? I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us.
[to Schmidt as they listen]
Jenko: You see! You’re fucking this up. You talk way too much.
[back to Zook and Rooster]
Zook: They guy’s harmless, dude. Look at him, he’s nice.
Rooster: He looks like a thirty year old eighth grader.
Zook: He’s going to be fine.
Rooster: I’m just saying, the kid sucks.
Zook: Okay. And Brad could be like our guy. He could like be a part of my thing.
Schmidt: Our thing?
Jenko: Yeah. Ssh! I’m trying to hear them be nice about me.
[just then Schmidt moves his hand back and it know over mannequin which falls to the attic floor]
Schmidt: Shit!
[the noise causes Zook and Rooster to look up]
Zook: Somebody up there?
Schmidt: Shit.
[Schmidt and Jenko get up to leave]

 

Zook: Did you lock the door?
Rooster: I did, man. I checked, twice.
[as Zook makes his way to the attic to check, Schmidt and Jenko quickly cover up all their cameras and make a run for it, when Zook enters the attic he looks out the window and sees them running off]
Zook: Shit!
[as they are running back to their dorm]
Schmidt: Do you think he saw us?
Jenko: No. You’re just paranoid because we’re about to trip off.
Schmidt: I’m not being paranoid! This could be dangerous.
Jenko: No, we’re fine. Look at us, we made it.
[they reach their dorm building and as Jenko opens the door they are caught by Zook and his guys, they put bags over their heads and are then stuffed in a trunk of a car]

 

[from inside the trunk of the car]
Jenko: I can’t breath.
Schmidt: They made us! They’re going to kill us! Jenko! Where are you going?
[he feels Jenko leave his side, then lifts his hood and snaps the bonds tying his hands together]
Schmidt: I think we’re tripping. Oh, fuck!
[he looks around to see he’s in a dark secluded place surrounded by sharp edge rocks]
Schmidt: I’m having a bad trip! I’m having a bad Trip!
[we then see Jenko is also tripping but he is experiencing a colorful happy high surrounded by large stuffed rainbows and sunshine]
Jenko: I think we are tripping. This is great.
Schmidt: My side’s so much scarier than yours.
Jenko: No, shit. Your trip sucks. You should come over here, it’s way better.
Schmidt: Okay.
[as they are both having their trips standing side by side, Schmidt tries to walk over to Jenko’s side but is stopped by an invisible wall]
Schmidt: It’s some kind of weird sponge screen!
[Schmidt tries to push through the spongy wall]
Schmidt: Jenko! Jenko!
[we see Jenko is riding on a small Lamborghini toy car]
Jenko: I’m riding on my lambo. Hey, Schmidt, look! Look!
[he starts laughing in a high pitched voice]

 

[on Schmidt side he trip get darker and it starts to rain, then as Jenko dances to happy music in his trip, Schmidt is listening to depressing music]
Schmidt: My legs are tired.
[the happy and depressing music continues for the duo in their respective highs]
Schmidt: Help! No more music!
[he then hears his own voice echoing around him]
Schmidt: You’ll always be alone.
[he starts seeing Cynthia Watson’s photo and police file and he freaks out and looks over to Jenko’s side]
Schmidt: Hey, Jenko?
Jenko: What?
[Jenko starts floating upwards]
Schmidt: Where are you going?
Jenko: I’m just going to go up for a while, okay?
Schmidt: Stay! Stay here!
Jenko: No, I want to stay and have fun! This is amazing.
Schmidt: No!
[Jenko starts floating up higher and Schmidt tries to push through the spongy wall separately them to keep him down]
Jenko: Oh, my God!
Schmidt: No! Stay here!
[Schmidt manages to break through the spongy wall and grab Jenko’s hand]
Jenko: No! Dude, stop it! You’re dragging me down! Why would you drag me down! I’m flying!
[Schmidt finally pulls Jenko down]
Jenko: Noooo!

 

[after coming down from their Why-Phy trip suddenly the trunk door is opened and Zook and Rooster are stood over them pointing guns at them]
Zook: Wake up! Get out the car! Get out of the car!
[Schmidt and Jenko get out of the trunk]
Zook: Get on the ground! Get on your fucking knees! Get on your knees!
[Schmidt and Jenko kneel before Zook and Rooster]
Zook: You already know, don’t you?
Jenko: What?
Zook: Do you have anything to say?
Schmidt: Please don’t kill us!
Zook: If you don’t have anything to fucking say, open your fucking mouth!
[Zook and Rooster points their guns at Schmidt and Jenko and pull the trigger suddenly a stream of liquid hits their face]
Jenko: What the fuck?
Schmidt: Is that vodka?!
Zook: Welcome to Zeta, pledges.
[Rooster laughs]
Rooster: Yeah, bro!
[Rooster starts squirting the liquid from the gun into his mouth as the other frat boys rush towards them cheering]

 

Total Quotes: 162

 




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