22 Jump Street (2014) Best Movie Quotes

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Peter Stormare, Wyatt Russell, Amber Stevens, Jillian Bell, Ice Cube, The Lucas Brothers, Nick Offerman, Jimmy Tatro, Caroline Aaron, Craig Roberts, Marc Evan Jackson, Joe Chrest, Eddie J. Fernandez, Rye Rye, Johnny Pemberton, Stanley Wong, Dax Flame, Richard Grieco, Anna Faris, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle, Seth Rogen

OUR RATING: ★★★½

Story:

Buddy cop action comedy sequel directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. 22 Jump Street (2014) follows police officers Morton Schmidt and Greg Jenko (Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum) as they go undercover at a college in order to find the supplier of a new drug.

Best Quotes

Schmidt: Man, this is BS. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college, listening to coded messages and lectures.
Jenko: What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for?
Schmidt: You’re right. Partners for life.

Schmidt: Huh? I got a new identity that’s going to be killed. I’m going to be throwing it to you to make it legit.
Jenko: Okay.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise, okay?
Jenko: I don’t know how to improvise.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise.
Jenko: I don’t f***ing want to improvise. I don’t know what we’re doing.

Schmidt: Oh, s**t. Yoh, Sleepy! What’s up, homie? You know my cousin Savoy?
Scarface: I think you’ve got the wrong guy, homes?
Schmidt: That’s bulls**t. man! You’re Sleepy. Everyone’s saying Nebario’s Sleepy, he’s like the Mexican Wolverine and s**t.

The Ghost: [looks at Schmidt and Jenko with suspicion] Can’t believe the punks I have to deal with these days. Really makes me miss the 90s. When we had professional around.

Schmidt: [to Scarface, referring to Ghost] Where did you find this gringo, man? The f***ing Mumford & Sons concert and s**t?

Scarface: [referring to Jenko] He’s like the f***ing Terminator!

Jenko: [Ghost] You owe me a car! It better be a f***ing Lamborghini, you b**ch!

Deputy Chief Hardy: Is that a hickey?
Schmidt: Oh, this was actually an octopus from the incident.I opened a crate, and the octopus had leapt onto my face. And it has apparently, they have many, many arms.
Deputy Chief Hardy: They have eight tentacles.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Look, ladies, nobody gave a s**t about the Jump Street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. We’ve doubled their budget, as if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
Jenko: Yeah. Like that’s going to work.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Yeah. Well, the Commissioner’s convinced this debacle happened because you weren’t doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn’t get that it’s always worse the second time around. You settle into worn out roles.
Deputy Chief Hardy: [points to Schmidt then Jenko] One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow painful unraveling as all of the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound like us. I mean…
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m getting a divorce.

Jenko: We don’t want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling. You got to find another ceiling, and you got to bust through that one. And you just got to keep hammering ceilings…
Schmidt: Okay, okay, okay.
Jenko: What if we actually went to the Secret Service, and like try to protect the White House? I think, I’m saying we can…
Schmidt: I don’t think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m going to ask you to stop talking.
Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone’s happy.

Jenko: [outside the Korean church at 21 Jump Street] I can’t believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Schmidt: Yeah. But I mean good thing there was even a bigger abandoned church directly across the street.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s convenient.
Schmidt: Yes, it is convenient.
Jenko: Next year we’ll probably be just right back across the street, just next door.
Schmidt: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jenko: I’m not ahead of ourselves, it’s right next to us.

Captain Dickson: So you want the same s**t, so here we go. Same identities, same assignment.
Jenko: We’re going back to high school?
Captain Dickson: Your a** look like you’re about fifty. You’re going to MC State.
Schmidt: We’re going to college, for real?

Jenko: [reading the name of the drug WHYPHY] Wipey?
Captain Dickson: No, you dumb m**herf***er. Why-Phy. Stands for: Work Hard? Yes, Play Hard? Yes.

Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie really how much we care.
Schmidt: No we’re not. If it was a white person I wouldn’t even care. One less crackera** crackhead to worry about.
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the f*** up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!

Schmidt: You alright?
Jenko: Yeah. It’s just I’m the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
Schmidt: Best part is we get to do it together.

Schmidt: Welcome to college.
Jenko: F***, yeah.
Jenko: Pop-up hamper.
Schmidt: Shower caddy.
Jenko: Hot plate.
Schmidt: Bean bag chair.
Jenko: Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
Jenko: Three shower poofs.
Schmidt: Some bacon machine that my mom got me. I do not understand how it works.
Jenko: [holds up a retro looking desk lamp] This thing.
Schmidt: Q-tips.
Jenko: Bean bag chair. Comforter that I will not wash for the next 6 months.
Schmidt: That’s true.
Jenko: Super high tech police gear.
Schmidt: Carte blanche with the budget, m**herf***er.

Keith Yang: [to Schmidt and Jenko] You got crows feet under your eyes, man.
Keith Yang: [to Schmidt] You specific.
Schmidt: We’re actually just normal college age.
Kenny Yang: I mean, even if you were older, that’s cool, man. Because, you know, girls here love older dudes.

Jenko: I love Spring Break. But I do have to say I’ve f***ed a thousand girls by now, and I don’t know, at the end of the day you just kind of want something that’s just a little deeper really.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, balls deeper.

Schmidt: It’s going to be super fun. Alright? Same as last time.
Jenko: If it’s like last time, you’re going to have an awesome time, and it’s going to suck for me.
Schmidt: No. You’re going to have an awesome time too because I’m going to make sure of it. You took a bullet for me.
Jenko: That’s right, I did, and it sucked. I won’t do it again.
Schmidt: No way, it’s my turn. I owe you a life debt.

Girl in Bathroom: What’s up?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook, or whatever website people our age use.

Jenko: They still have books! I thought they just put books inside the computers.
Schmidt: Yeah, I guess the kids just use this to hide and have sex.

Jenko: Dude, in Human Sexuality do you get to f***, or do you just get to watch people f***?
Schmidt: Neither.
Jenko: Then what the f*** am I taking it for then?

Stoned-Looking Kid: You looking for some Why-Phy?
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m going to be sick.
Stoned-Looking Kid: Go to the Police Station, walk in, and ask your Captain to see the evidence room, because you’re a f***ing narc.
Schmidt: I think you’re mistaking me…
Stoned-Looking Kid: You’re literally wearing a badge. Did you really just check to see if you were wearing a badge? This guy’s a f***ing cop.
Schmidt: I didn’t look down.

Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade?
Jenko: Covalent bonds.
Professor Jacobs: What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Jenko: Why would you ask me? I’m not a cop.
Professor Jacobs: Because this is a college seminar, and that’s how college seminars work. A Professor gets into a lively conversation with a student, friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Jenko: Well, it’s definitely harder to get drugs. I can personally tell you that.
Professor Jacobs: The average price of cocaine has dropped seventy percent in the last thirty years.
Jenko: Then your dealer’s probably selling you some pretty stepped on s**t.

Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade, college is a wonderful place. This is where you get to decide who you actually are instead of the person that you’re clearly pretending to be right now. Which everyone sees through, by the way. You got to decide do I just keep doing the same thing, or am I going to choose a different path? And question my convictions.
Jenko: I don’t have any prior convictions. Why are you saying this stuff?
Professor Jacobs: That’s exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. McQuade! I want you to question what I’m saying! This is the basis of this whole course, and that’s the beauty of college! You can say whatever you want! You can be whatever you want! I mean I have tenure, I can really say whatever I want. George Washington was a black lesbian. The Eiffel Tower’s made of d***os. They can’t fire me. I’m indestructible. I’m sleeping with two of my students.

Improv Student: Okay, we got time for just one more improv game. For this one we need a ton of different suggestions. So, we just need you guys to fill in the blank in the sentence that we’re going to set up. So, it’ll go like this, “Oh, I’m so hungry. I wish I had a…”
Jenko: Tampon!
Improv Student: Okay. But we want it, we want it to be actual food, so that it like makes sense with the game. It’s more fun that way. So, let’s try it one more time. “Oh, I’ve got to get home so I can feed my…”
Jenko: Boner!
Improv Student: You know what? Let’s just play the game, okay?

Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better just to like plan stuff out ahead of time, and make sure it’s funny, and you’re not saying anything in front of people to embarrass yourself?
Improv Student: That’s a thing that people do. That’s stand-up comedy.
Jenko: That’s probably what you should do because that stuff is funny.

Schmidt: Slam. Poetry. Yelling. Angry. Waving my hands a lot. Specific point of view on things. Cynthia. Cyn-thi-a. Jesus died for our Cynthia’s. Jesus cried. Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts. Julia, why. Hurts. Cynthia. Mmm, Cynthia. You’re dead. You are dead. Bah-boo-beep-bap-bap-boo-bap. You’re dead. That’s for Cynthia, who’s dead.

Schmidt: I don’t have a single lead.
Jenko: I do. I hear you can get Why-Phy on campus anywhere twenty-four-seven.
Schmidt: Do you think they mean Why-Phy the drug, or Wi-Fi like the internet?

Jenko: How did we find the dealer so easily the first time?
Schmidt: Well, his number was literally on a sticker.
Jenko: Well let’s go find this guy’s sticker.
Schmidt: I don’t think this guy does stickers.

See more 22 Jump Street Quotes

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, we should, or I should apologize for…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my p**is off?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Mr. Walters: Yeah. Don’t sweat it, brother. I’m liberated. Totally! You know they gave me a v***na. It’s awesome. You guys want to see it?
Schmidt, Jenko: No! No, no, no, no!

Eric Molson: You guys got to get me the f*** out of here.
Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what? I’m Eric’s b**ch.
Eric Molson: No, you’re not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! I’m your b**ch! Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t mean that, you know that, right?

Mr. Walters: I’m such a b**ch when the old flow shows up. It bleeds so much, it’s crazy! It’s like the elevator doors opening in The Shining.
Eric Molson: Your v***na doesn’t f***ing work, man.
Mr. Walters: Worked for you last night!
Schmidt: You’re so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship.
Mr. Walters: Eric, am I forcing you into anything?
Eric Molson: Yes.
Mr. Walters: See.

Schmidt: Look, they sent us undercover to college to find the dealer of this new synthetic, and no one will tell us anything.
Mr. Walters: It’s because you guys look like f***ing narcs. Alright? College kids aren’t dumb like Eric.
Eric Molson: I was supposed to go to Berkeley.

Jenko: Dude, I’m sorry. I got my Q-tip in your meat.
Zook: No, man. I got my, I got my meat in your Q-tip. It’s like a whole new type of sandwich. It’s like a meat-Q-tip.
Jenko: Like a meat-Q.
Zook: Like a meat-Q! That’s funny. Hey, you guys, want some of this sandwich? It’s a meat-Q sandwich. Me and this guy are having a meat-Q.

Schmidt: [as they’re getting ready for the party] All we have to do now is watch the frat long enough to confirm that Rooster has the bazooka tattoo.
Jenko: Look, man, do you think it’s cool if you come? Because, I mean, he kind of really just asked me, and I just don’t want to throw it off with this guy.
Schmidt: Dude, you’re tripping. We do everything together. You should lose the puka shells though. Things are different since you didn’t go to college.

Zook: Oh, my God! Look at what we’re wearing? And the same jewelry.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s too… Man!
Zook: Dude.
Jenko: I knew that we were going to be connected just like that.
Schmidt: Yeah. Why don’t you guys tie your d**ks together and get married?

Rooster: What’s up? Rooster.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, I know. We met before.
Rooster: Oh, really? I don’t remember that all. You must have a really plain face.
Schmidt: Yeah, they call me “old plain face”.
Rooster: They call you that?

Maya: Hey, Maya Angelou!
Schmidt: Poetry. Okay, I got it. Make fun of the poetry major.
Maya: So, I guess you have no interest in having a real job in the future?
Schmidt: Absolutely not.
Maya: No, right?
Schmidt: What about you?
Maya: I’m an art major.
Schmidt: Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any s**t, because…
Maya: No, I can’t. I’m cannot.
Schmidt: You’re never going to make any money in art.

Schmidt: So is there someone who supports you?
Maya: No, I’m one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself.
Schmidt: Tell me about. I love to be alone. I am like the best at it. I just love when you’re sitting there in a room, and you’re just there with your thoughts and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh! I’m alone. And will anyone ever love me.” Or whatever, and like, “Do I know anyone who would care if I just ever came out of this room or not.” Or whatever, and like, I don’t know, it’s just peaceful. I just like it.

Jenko: I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn’t expect it. What I didn’t expect was tonight would go in the exact way that you would expect. You know what I mean?
Zook: Totally.

Schmidt: You are like a slightly less attractive version of…
Maya: Picasso?
Schmidt: Picasso.
Maya: Right? I’ve been told that before.

Maya: Oh, it’s only two. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in?
Schmidt: It’s only two? I usually go to dinner at like 2 AM and stuff. Sure, yeah. Why not?

Zook: I mean, yeah, school’s important and whatever. But when I was throwing you the passes, it was like I knew where you were going to before you went there. I had this vision of me throwing bullet TD’s to you, dude. And then all these fans just started going like, “Aaahh! Zook, McQuade! And Zook, McQuade!” They were chanting, and chanting. Then the goal posts came down.
Jenko: Dude, I have had that exact vision like my entire life. Dude.

Schmidt: Hey. How you doing?
Mercedes: I’m fine. I mean, when I’m not listening to you guys fornicate all night long.
Maya: Okay.
Mercedes: Thrusting and pumping. I thought your hip popped out at one point. I’m just saying, it’s like all fun and games, and then you wake up in bed next to a forty year-old freshman.
Schmidt: I’m nineteen, so.
Mercedes: Nineteen minutes late to pinochle? Where you’re meeting your old friends in the park?
Schmidt: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Mercedes: Oh, my gosh. Maya, look at him. He’s still so sharp. This one’s firing. Tell us about the war, any one of them.

Maya: I mean, you’re cool with just hooking up?
Schmidt: Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I’m glad you said something.
Maya: Because I don’t even know if I like you when I’m sober.
Schmidt: No! I know. And it’s like, that doesn’t even hurt, like at all. Okay. So, I’m going to split. I’ll text you later. Great, that was great sex. You’re good at it. And I’ll text you, in five minutes or something?

Captain Dickson: What the f***? It’s the same case! Do the same thing!
Schmidt: Well, it’s not exactly the same case, because one of got laid last night.
Captain Dickson: Schmidt?!
Schmidt: Shh. Don’t wake up my d**k. Fluid on the red eye, it hasn’t got a wink of sleep.
Jenko: Damn.
Schmidt: We’re talking missionary. We’re talking missionary. We’re talking, when I’m on top, and she’s on her back. She’s smart, she’s an Art major.
Captain Dickson: She can’t be that smart, she has a f***ing Art major.

Jenko: My Human Sexuality class is blowing my mind. Did you know I used gay slurs in high school?
Schmidt: Yes, directed at me.
Jenko: Dude, I’m so sorry for being a homophone.

Jenko: Guys, can you just give some space? We’re really trying to figure something out and we need to focus, okay?
Keith Yang: You’re not going to have trouble focusing, man.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Those krispie treats got mad Why-Phy in them.
Keith Yang: Yeah, we made a batch for the whole dorm, man.
Schmidt: I’ve eaten six of these.
Keith Yang: Then you’re going to be real focused.
Kenny Yang: Real focused.

Jenko: That helmet looks kind of lame.
Schmidt: You know what’s not lame? Safety.

Zook: [referring to Schmidt] They guy’s harmless, dude. Look at him, he’s nice.
Rooster: He looks like a thirty year-old eighth grader.

Jenko: What is your problem? You said you wanted to stick together! This is what we have to do to win their trust. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s just drinking and bonding games. It’s fun!
Schmidt: It’s fun for you, it’s not fun for me.
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe we should just investigate different people.
Schmidt: Did you really just say that? Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people? That’s what you want?
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe. Maybe we should just branch out. Okay? Just sow our oats a little. Sow our cop oats.

Schmidt: I just don’t want, don’t like the idea of us doing stuff separately.
Jenko: No, look, we can still investigate together. It’s just, you know, now it’ll be an open thing.
Schmidt: You want an open investigation?
Jenko: I don’t know if that’s what I want. Alright? I think it’s time right now for us to try.

Football Game Announcer #1: In a surprise start today with the walk-on freshman Brad McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #2: Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
Football Game Announcer #1: It’s the hormones in the milk, bud.

Football Game Announcer #2: Another perfect hook up between Haythe and McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #1: Even their celebrating is in perfect sync. It’s like these two share a single brain, Bob.
Football Game Announcer #2: That’s right, Jim. They both have one half a brain. And the crowd rush to the field to try and knock down the goal post.

Captain Dickson: How do you know this person?
Maya: Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I’m dating.
Captain Dickson: What the f***?
Schmidt: I was just in the neighborhood.
Captain Dickson: How’s your classes going, Doug?

Mrs. Dickson: [referring to Schmidt] Do you two know each other?
Captain Dickson: No.
Schmidt: It’s crazy all these student and parents, potential witnesses.

Mrs. Dickson: [referring to Schmidt] How did you two meet?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, I love meet-cute stories.
Maya: We met at a Poetry Slam, and then he stalked me back to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson: Stalked her?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, that’s so beautiful.
Captain Dickson: Then what happened?
Maya: And then we hung out, and we watched a movie. Actually we watched it a couple times.

Zook: [to Jenko] Brad, this could be our shot. We’re like the dynamic duo, bro. We’re like Batman and Robin, but we’re both Batman. What do you want to be? Like a stock broker? Or a cop? Dude, your ceiling is like so high. You can just bust right in it.

Zook: Dude, you can make it into the hall of fame.
Jenko: No, that’s you. You’re going to be in like the annals of football history.
Zook: Dude, you could make it into the annals of football history too. We’re going to have to tear those annals up.
Jenko: Alright.
Zook: We’re going to f***ing tear it up.
Jenko: I mean, it’s just a tape, right?

Maya: I f***ing hate my dad so much. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a guy like that telling you what to do all the time.
Schmidt: I can only imagine.

Schmidt: How long have you been there?
Mercedes: Like the longest amount of time you could think of right now.
Schmidt: This stuff wasn’t meant for you, it was meant to be private.
Mercedes: So am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You got ninety-nine problems, but being young isn’t one.
Schmidt: You’re just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection.
Mercedes: I’m pretty close with my Grandpa too.

Mercedes: You’re more messed up than Cynthia was, and she went to the school shrink three times a week.
Schmidt: Why?
Mercedes: I don’t know, but he gave her a ton of pills and s**t. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face.

Dr. Murphy: I wasn’t told that I had a 9 AM session.
Schmidt: Yeah. No, we are 9 AM. That’s us.
Jenko: And we are cured, thank you very much. You’re an amazing doctor.
Dr. Murphy: Please, you think you’re the first partners to come in here looking for help only try to run when you’re first faced with talking with me?
Jenko: How the f*** did you know we were partners?
Schmidt: He doesn’t know we’re partners.
Dr. Murphy: I suspect your partners.

Dr. Murphy: A relationship is something that requires constant work.
Schmidt: Which is what I thought we were in high school.
Dr. Murphy: So you are high school sweethearts. I picked up on that early. Please, continue the dialogue.

Schmidt: Doc, I just feel like sometimes he’s not even trying anymore. Like this isn’t even worth saving.
Jenko: Oh, okay. Well sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the Yangs.
Schmidt: Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful Zook.
Jenko: Oh, go f*** yourself!
Schmidt: You go f*** yourself!

Dr. Murphy: There’s a lot of f***ing. Given all these strong feelings sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Why don’t you hold hands?
Schmidt: Okay.
Jenko: I’m not doing that.
Schmidt: Do you see?

Jenko: He’s clingy, he literally gets terrified of being by himself.
Schmidt: Look, I know Zook’s your buddy, and you don’t want him to be guilty, but he’s our guy.
Jenko: No, he’s actually not our guy, I would know.
Dr. Murphy: No, you know, we sometimes cling to things because they’re familiar and comfortable. I teach about a principle called “embedding”.

Schmidt: What did you say “embedding” was?
Dr. Murphy: Embedding? Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch onto the first bit of information that we’re offered, and overlooking, or even ignoring contradictory information.
Jenko: It’s a fascinating principle.
Schmidt: Shut up, I’m thinking. Do you think it’s possible that we embedded?
Jenko: What like when we were drunk, or something we embedded each other?
Dr. Murphy: Okay, I’m going to write that you two…
Schmidt: Okay, you can leave the room. Just get the f*** out.
Jenko: Get the f*** out, you heard him.
Dr. Murphy: This took a turn.

Captain Dickson: Now, gentlemen, we’re not going to sit here and pretend there’s not a big a**ed elephant in the room.
Jenko: What the f*** is going on?

Jenko: [referring to Schmidt] Hey, y’all he’s f***ing the Captain’s daughter! Yoh! Oh, my f***!
Captain Dickson: [to Schmidt] Every time he say that s**t, that’s another foot in your a**!

Jenko: You f***ed Captain Dickson’s daughter? Captain? What the f***? You bragged to him to his face! To his actual face. Captain. Do you understand that this face, right here! You bragged to that face! You actually high-fived Schmidt for f***ing your daughter? Holy S**t! Oh, my God! This is…
Jenko: [as Dickson places his gun on the table with barrel facing Jenko] It’s really not that funny.

Schmidt: I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State.
Captain Dickson: I think it’s bizarre that I haven’t cut your m**herf***ing nuts off.
Jenko: What if Captain gets to punch you in the face one time, really, really, really hard.
Captain Dickson: No, I got something way better than that.
[we see Dickson tasing Schmidt in the balls]

Schmidt: We have to stop treating this like it’s exactly the same as last time.
Captain Dickson: And we got a bigger problem. No more money in the budget.
Jenko: What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett.
Captain Dickson: Cate Blanchett?
Jenko: Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget.
Schmidt: You mean carte blanche.
Jenko: That one.
Captain Dickson: Welcome back dumb-dumb. We did have carte blanche. Not no more. You got that expensive chasing in the beginning, that expensive equipment, this f***ing office. This look like some s**t Iron Man would have. S**t’s expensive! I got on eight hundred dollar shoes, and you can’t even see the m**herf***ers! So now you two m**herf***ers are in a crosshairs. Warning, find the supplier, or don’t cost the department no more.

Football Game Announcer #2: [referring to Jenko and Zook] These two are peas in a pod, Bob. But instead of little green balls they are human football players.

Jenko: It’s 2014, a**hole. You can’t f***ing use fa**ot. Gay’s okay, homosexual maybe. And if you know the person, you might be able to call them queer, if they have a great sense of humor, but I don’t.
Schmidt: I’m sorry, he took one Human Sexuality class and he thinks he’s Harvey Milk.
Jenko: Oh, my God! Will you please just for once just back me up!
Schmidt: Why can’t you just use your head for once?
Jenko: Oh, you want me to use my head?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jenko: Fine.
[suddenly Jenko turns and head butts the goon who collapses to the floor]

Jenko: [to Ghost] Oh, yeah! What’s up now, m**herf***ers! You remember me? I’m your best nightmare. I’m your worst nightmare.

Jenko: Listen, Schmidt, I got to tell you something. I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year, and Zook said I could room with him. You know, so I was thinking that I could do that maybe.
Schmidt: What?! You can’t be a cop, and stay here, and play football with Zook!
Jenko: No, look, I know, okay? It’s just since first time in meeting Zook, we’re the same.
Schmidt: Do you want out? If you want out just say it!
Jenko: No, I don’t want out! Okay? It’s just when I’m on the football field and I’m diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly! Alright? And when I’m with you, it just feels like you hold me down. I just wish you could fly with me.

Schmidt: I decided for you. Just stick with football. I can’t give you the same feeling that these guys can. Maybe we’re only supposed to do this once.
Jenko: What?

Jenko: I just came to see how you are.
Schmidt: I’m doing f***ing great. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, so just having a great time with myself.
Jenko: Glad you’re having a good time with yourself.
Schmidt: I’m a solo artist now, like Beyoncé. I used to have the other Destiny’s Children, but now I’m just a lone superstar.
Jenko: I’m happy for you.
Schmidt: I’m just a light skinned princess with a dream and an amazing voice.
Jenko: That’s great.

Jenko: [referring to going to Puerto Mexico for Spring Break] Look, if you, if you want to, we could go down there.
Schmidt: Like together?
Jenko: We don’t have to put a label on it. Just like one time, one time thing, no big commitments or stress to each other. Just like one time for old time’s sake.
Schmidt: What about school, football and your wonderful new life?
Jenko: I have time off. I’m on Spring Break.

Jenko: [as Schmidt puts a grenade down his crotch] A grenade. Why are you putting it there? It’s just unsanitary.
Schmidt: It feels right.

The Ghost: Why don’t you sell those old classic drugs from the nineties, like cocaine, heroin, and…
Mercedes: Dad, those are like old people drugs. Just like what they did on The Golden Girls. Like Blanche did heroin.
The Ghost: Alright, I’ll just sit here and be silent.
Jenko: [to Schmidt] Blanche never did heroin.

Mercedes: Are you kidding me, Yangs? Are you f***ing high?
Keith Yang: Of course.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, Man.
Mercedes: Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of “don’t get high on your own supply”?
Keith Yang: We didn’t.
Kenny Yang: No.
Keith Yang: I didn’t do that.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, I used his and he used mine.

Schmidt: My name’s not Doug. Schmidt. And guess what? Cops.
Jenko: Boom.
Mercedes: Oh, my God. Yeah, everybody knows.
Jenko: Really?
Mercedes: You guys look like the stars of a cop show called Hawaiian Dads.

Mercedes: Wow. I mean was this really your entire plan? Coming in here with no backup?
Schmidt: Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan. Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now.
Jenko: What? You have the f***ing tracking device, I don’t have it.
Schmidt: That’s the one m**herf***ing thing you were supposed to remember.
Jenko: You’re the smart person, you get the track device s**t, that’s your domain. I get the physical s**t.

Schmidt: You know what? I may drag you down sometimes, but every possible time you can do something dumb, you do the dumbest possible thing.
Jenko: No, the f***ing dumbest possible thing is letting two cops blah blah blah while other cops are getting in position to bust their s**t in.
Schmidt: Oh, so you mean I brought the tracking device?
Jenko: Yeah. What’s up now, huh?
Keith Yang: That seemed like such a real argument.
Jenko: That’s improv, b**ch.

Captain Dickson: Spring Break yourself, fool.
Jr. Jr.: We shoot d**ks off in Jump Street.
Delroy: We’re here, as well.
Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we’re about to jump in your a**.
Schmidt: Right in the crack.

Captain Dickson: Maya?! What are you doing here? This is a shoot out! You know what happens in a shoot out! They always kidnap the girl!
Mercedes: Not always.
Maya: Mercedes?
Mercedes: You’re coming with me.
Captain Dickson: B**ch, please. I ain’t going no where with you.
Mercedes: [suddenly shoots Dickson’s foot] Now.

Captain Dickson: [to Schmidt and Jenko] If I die I’m going to kill both of you, m**herf***ers!

Schmidt: [referring to the Lamborghini] How do you drive this thing?
Jenko: You got to let her drive you, bro.

Schmidt: [referring to the Lamborghini] It’s like the Batmobile.

Mercedes: You’re f***ing Mr. and Mrs. Smithing me!
Schmidt: I’m not Mr. and Mrs. Smithing you! This wasn’t a sexy fight!
Mercedes: Oh, like you haven’t wanted to kiss me the whole time!
Schmidt: I never once wanted to kiss you!

Schmidt: I’ve never tried to kiss you!
Mercedes: You gave me “kiss me eyes”!
Schmidt: No, I didn’t! My eyes were eyes that are “I got a punch in the face eyes”, they weren’t “kiss me eyes”s
Mercedes: I don’t even like you!
Schmidt: Neither do I. So stop kissing me!
Mercedes: Okay!

Schmidt: Woh! You’re leaning in again!
Mercedes: I didn’t know if we were going to punch or kiss!
Schmidt: You’re making it so uncomfortable! This is the most uncomfortable fist fight I’ve ever been in. I’m going to give you an out by punching you in the face, okay?
Mercedes: Okay.
Schmidt: And then we’re going to go down fighting, and we’ll pretend this never happened, because I feel so awkward.

Mercedes: [to Schmidt] What? What are you going to do? Choke me with your liver-spotted hands? You’re going to push me over with your walker? I’m impressed you caught up to me. You probably haven’t ran that fast since you played stickball in the field behind old Pop Wiggledy’s sweet shop.
Captain Dickson: Freeze, b**ch!
Schmidt: Oh, thank God.

Captain Dickson: [Mercedes holds Schmidt at gunpoint] Now who’s the damsel in distress?
Mercedes: Well, I guess it’s him.

Captain Dickson: I don’t have a clean shot, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Then don’t take the shot!
Captain Dickson: Maybe I want to take the dirty shot, kind of like the dirty shot you took on my daughter.
Schmidt: I didn’t take a dirty shot on your daughter, okay? We talked a lot, and we care about each other. All the good qualities you have, I could feel inside Maya.

Captain Dickson: I’m going to take the shot!
Schmidt: Don’t take the shot!
Captain Dickson: I can shoot right through your shoulder, hit the b**ch right in the chest.
Schmidt: No, don’t take the shot.
Captain Dickson: I’m taking the shot.
Mercedes: I’ll take the f***ing shot.
Captain Dickson: Nobody takes the shot before me.
Mercedes: How about we take it at the same time?
Schmidt: No one take a shot.
Captain Dickson: Wait, wait, wait! Now, Maya!
Mercedes: What?
[suddenly Maya appears and hits Mercedes over the head with a metal fish]

Jenko: S**t. You made it, dude. Did you get Mercedes?
Schmidt: Yeah, all by my myself.
Jenko: Really?
Schmidt: Mainly by myself.

Schmidt: Okay. I tried to take a bullet for you, man.
Jenko: I know, but you didn’t.
Schmidt: But I tried, it’s the thought that matters.
Jenko: No, it’s not the thought that counts. It is f***ing taking the bullet.

Jenko: You saved my life! I just realized something! You don’t hold me down, man! You lift me up!
Schmidt: Literally and figuratively!
Jenko: Yeah, I know! I meant both!
Schmidt: You don’t drag me down either! I mean, except right now. You’re dragging me down, you’re heavy! Hey, listen, there’s a grenade in my shorts. Can you reach it? You got to go in from underneath!
Jenko: Oh, s**t!

Jenko: [as he’s trying to grab the grenade inside Schmidt’s shorts] Is that it?
Schmidt: That’s my d**k!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That’s my d**k also!

Schmidt: [referring to the grenade] Say something cool when you throw it!
Jenko: One, two, three! Something cool!

Jenko: Dude, I missed you so much, man.
Schmidt: I missed you too. You were like a tiny little flower seed, and I was clutching you in my fist. But flower can’t grow in a fist.
Jenko: No.
Schmidt: The little seedlings, they fly away free and find its soil.
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I tried to soil myself, and, dude, I didn’t like it. I wanted a relationship without friction. Dude, you need friction to create fire, and that’s what we have, we have fire. Dude, I’m in. I’m all in.
Schmidt: Thank God.
Jenko: This is what I’ve always wanted. Just me and you, buddy. I love you.
Schmidt: I love you too. I love you, man.

Schmidt: Hey, what did you say when you threw that grenade up there?
Jenko: Yeah, I said, “Something cool.”
Schmidt: What did you say?
Jenko: I said, “Something cool.”
Schmidt: Well, then what did you say?
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I said, “Something cool.”

Jenko: I didn’t expect Spring Break to be this stinky.
Schmidt: It’s pretty gross.
Jenko: I think we’re getting too old for this s**t.
Schmidt: We started off too old for this s**t.
Jenko: You’re right about that.

Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to unf***up the situation you originally f***ed up.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Captain Dickson: I wish you could unf*** my daughter, but I’m going to let that be the past. Now, for your next mission, you two sons of b**ches are going to medical school!
Jenko: What?

Captain Dickson: [for 24 Jump Street: Foreign Exchange Students] Next time, foreign exchange students.
Schmidt: Awesome!
Jenko: Yes!
Captain Dickson: In Russia.
Jenko: What?

Captain Dickson: [for 29 Jump Street: Sunday School] New assignment.
Jenko: Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?
Captain Dickson: [we see Seth Rogen taking the role of Schmidt] No, that’s Schmidt. I don’t know what you’re talking about, man. He looks exactly the same to me.
Morton Schmidt: I got new glasses?
Captain Dickson: Yeah, man. He just got some new glasses, man. Goddamn.
Morton Schmidt: [whispering to Jenko] No one’s going to f***ing notice.

Jenko: [for 30 Jump Street: Flight Academy, we see the original Schmidt back] Really glad you’re back, Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I’ve been here the whole time.
Captain Dickson: Man, shut the f*** up. How about a flight academy?

Captain Dickson: [for 38 Jump Street: Dance Academy] Dance academy.
Schmidt: Yes! Finally something I’m amazing at.

Captain Dickson: [mid-credits lines, for 40 Jump Street: Retirement Home] Alright, new assignment.
Jenko: [we see the duo looking older] Six hours of makeup.
Schmidt: We’re getting too old for this s**t.
Jenko: No.

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