Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Peter Stormare, Wyatt Russell, Amber Stevens, Jillian Bell, Ice Cube, The Lucas Brothers, Nick Offerman, Jimmy Tatro, Caroline Aaron, Craig Roberts, Marc Evan Jackson, Joe Chrest, Eddie J. Fernandez, Rye Rye, Johnny Pemberton, Stanley Wong, Dax Flame, Richard Grieco, Anna Faris, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle, Seth Rogen
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Buddy cop action comedy sequel directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. The story follows police officers Morton Schmidt and Greg Jenko (Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum) as they go undercover at a college in order to find the supplier of a new drug.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 162)
Voice Over: Previously on 21 Jump Street.
[a young long haired Jenko notices a young Schmidt in his Slim-Shady in the school hallway]
Jenko: You’re a fucking nerd.
[then it cuts to Jenko sitting in his principals office]
Principal: Boy, you’re lucky you even graduated.
[next it cuts to the police academy with Jenko slamming Schmidt to his back on the wrestling mat]
Schmidt: Fuck! You’re good at this, huh?
[next it cuts to Jenko failing his test and Schmidt passing with top grades]
Jenko: You’re really good at this?
Jenko: Hey, you want to be friends?
[we see them training together and becoming friends as they graduate the academy]
[we see some footage from the previous film when they are fooling around in a park pointing their guns at each other]
Schmidt: This isn’t loaded.
[we see them on their last case in 21 Jump Street going back to high school, then fooling around with some lobsters at Schmidt’s house]
Jenko: Just touch it! Just touch it.
[then Jenko takes a photo of Schmidt holding the lobster]
Schmidt: Alright, alright, alright.
[Schmidt places the lobster in a large pan; next it cuts to when they took down the drug dealers Mr. Walters and Eric Molson and Jenko takes a bullet for Schmidt]
Schmidt: You took a bullet for me, man!
Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick!
[next it cuts to Jenko and Schmidt walking back into the police station and everyone cheering for them and then cuts to the end when Dickson tell them they’re going to college]
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!
[at college a professor is giving a lecture to his class]
University of Internet Professor: Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive, and it’s associated with water in femininity. While Yang, by contrast is…
[we then see Schmidt and Jenko are watching the lecture on their iPad as they stand by their car in a parking lot]
Schmidt: Man, this is B.S. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college, listening to coded messages and lectures.
Jenko: What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for?
Schmidt: You’re right. Partners for life.
[they fist pump each other then look back at the screen as the professor gives them the coded message]
University of Internet Professor: At Metro City Port, the tide comes in at 10:30 a.m., then it will return to the sea.
Jenko: That’s our port. In and out.
[they open up the trunk to reveal a lot of handguns]
Schmidt: Let’s do this.
[they start fooling around whilst holding the guns]
Schmidt: Surprise, there’s two more arms.
[they head to Metro City Port and Schmidt notices the wanted drug lord, The Ghost]
Schmidt: Shit! That’s The Ghost.
Jenko: The Ghost?
Schmidt: Lousten Nielsen. The biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Mexico City. Then he teamed up with the Mexican cartel and running all this shit through the poor. What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
Jenko: I don’t know.
[Schmidt starts buttoning up his shirt]
Jenko: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Huh? I got a new identity that’s going to be killed. I’m going to be throwing it to you to make it legit.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise, okay?
Jenko: I don’t know how to improvise.
Schmidt: I’m going to need you to improvise.
Jenko: I don’t fucking want to improvise, I don’t know what we’re doing.
Schmidt: Okay, I need absolute silence until I can form the character.
Jenko: What? What do you mean…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence while I form the character.
[Schmidt closes his eyes and puts his fingers by the bridge of his nose to concentrate]
Jenko: Can you give me like a head start on the character…
Schmidt: I need absolute silence. I need absolute silence.
Jenko: Can you please just…
Schmidt: I need absolute, absolute silence.
[Schmidt gets out of the car now looking like his character, wearing a bandanna on his head and sunglasses, Jenko joins him carrying a bag, they start walking with Schmidt doing his character’s walk]
Jenko: Oh, are you fucking serious right now?
[the head over to meet with Ghost and his men]
The Ghost: Alright! I hate people who are late.
Schmidt: We’re trying to see that product.
[pointing to the van]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. Yoh, Sleepy! What’s up, homie? You know my cousin Savoy?
Scarface: I think you’ve got the wrong guy, homes?
Schmidt: That’s bullshit. man! You’re Sleepy. Everyone’s saying Nebario’s Sleepy, he’s like the Mexican Wolverine and shit. Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product.
Scarface: Why ain’t he talking?
[Jenko hesitates before replying in a high pitched Mexican voice]
Jenko: My name is Jeff.
Schmidt: He’s half A, man.
Schmidt: Hey, but tell him about Massey Kissi dinner, man. Tell him about that crazy adventure you guys had.
[Jenko look at Schmidt uncomfortably]
Jenko: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Schmidt: Oh, man! When you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The details was so rich.
Jenko: I don’t know.
Schmidt: It was rich detail. Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story so that we all know.
[Jenko looks uncomfortable]
Jenko: Oh, yes. Uh, it was Dora, and Diego and Swiper.
Schmidt: And who was that you choked out, man? Oh, he had it coming. Who was that?
Schmidt: No, man! That wasn’t Boots! Boots isn’t a real name. You got to tell them the real story, man. Start over from the top! That’s a made up name!
[The Ghost walks over and looks at Schmidt and Jenko with suspicion]
The Ghost: Can’t believe the punks I have to deal with these days.
[he pulls out a switchblade and ejects the blade]
The Ghost: Really makes me miss the 90s.
[he places the edge of the knife against Schmidt’s throat for a moment]
The Ghost: When we had professional around.
[he then turns the knife around and offers it to them]
The Ghost: You want to check out the goods? Check it out.
[Schmidt takes the knife]
The Ghost: And shut up. Right?
[to Scarface; referring to Ghost]
Schmidt: Where did you find this gringo, man? The fucking Mumford & Sons concert and shit?
[Schmidt and Jenko get into the back of Ghost’s truck and open a crate]
Jenko: What is it? Guns? Drugs?
[suddenly an octopus jumps on Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Oh! Oh, no! No!
[the octopus then starts inking in Schmidt’s mouth]
Schmidt: It’s inking in my mouth!
[Jenko tries to get the octopus off Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: Tenticle is in me!
[Jenko tries to pry the octopus off of Schmidt’s face]
Jenko: It’s so strong! It’s got a pretty strong hold, man.
Schmidt: Get it off my face!
[finally Jenko manages to pull the octopus off of Schmidt’s face, not realizing that in their panic they had drop their accents]
Schmidt: Ah! Shit!
Jenko: We got murdered by exotic animals. It’s like we expected it to be in there.
The Ghost: Your accents are gone, man. Take them out, guys. They’re cops.
[suddenly Ghost and his men start shooting at them]
[as Ghost’s men are shooting at them, Ghost gets into the truck and starts pulling away]
Jenko: What was that?
Schmidt: I think we’re moving.
[Ghost drives off in the truck]
Schmidt: We’re definitely moving!
[as the animals in the crates are set loose]
Jenko: There’s fucking bird and shit in here!
[some birds fly past them]
Schmidt: What the fuck?!
[then Jenko notices a reptile]
Jenko: There’s a fucking dragon in here!
[suddenly Jenko screams when a bird lands on his back]
[as Ghost drives off he hits into Schmidt’s and Jenko’s car making it explode]
Jenko: What was that?
[they look out to see their car burning]
Jenko: Dude, that was our car! We shared so much in that car! I’m going to shoot him in the face, man! That was our fucking car!
[suddenly Jenko hops on top of the truck]
Schmidt: What are you doing? I can’t t-move onto the truck! Don’t make me do the move!
Jenko: Just get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t do that!
Jenko: Then fucking climb around, come on! Climb around!
[Schmidt goes to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Come on, buddy! You go it!
[Schmidt dangles on the side of the truck]
Schmidt: This is so scary! Don’t leave me out here!
[to Scarface as Schmidt is trying to climb onto the roof]
Jenko: Shoot him!
[Scarface takes his gun out and tries to shoot Schmidt]
Scarface: I’m all out!
The Ghost: You stupid moron!
[finally Jenko manages to help Schmidt climb onto the truck’s roof]
Jenko: Come up.
Jenko: Alright! You good?
Jenko: All you got to do is follow me now, okay?
[Jenko turns to go and as Schmidt goes to follow him his foot in a rope, he falls over the edge, dangling over the edge of the truck]
Jenko: Dude, get up here!
Schmidt: I can’t!
Jenko: Alright, fine! I can do this.
Schmidt: I’m going to die!
Jenko: You’re not going to die! Just get the fuck up here!
[Jenko uses the end of the rope to drag Schmidt across the truck as he continues to dangle over the edge]
Jenko: Pull yourself up. Use your foot. Come on, come on, come one!
[Jenko manages to pull Schmidt up and onto the roof]
Jenko: Yeah! You good to stand on your own now?
Scarface: I think we lost them.
[suddenly Jenko leaps onto front of the truck]
[then Jenko breaks something off the roof]
Scarface: He’s like the fucking Terminator!
[Jenko starts hitting the windshield and breaks it]
Jenko: You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the fucking truck over, right fucking now!
[he puts his arms inside through the whole in the windshield and grabs hold of Ghost]
Jenko: You owe me a car! It better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!
[at the same time Schmidt finally manages to stand on the roof]
Schmidt: I did it!
[as he’s holds onto Ghost through the broken windshield]
Jenko: You have the right to remain silent!
[Schmidt suddenly notices a beam coming up ahead]
Schmidt: Oh, shit!
[Schmidt goes smack straight into the beam sending him flying and as Jenko is tied to Schmidt via the rope, Jenko goes off the hood as well and the both hang off the beam]
The Ghost: Holy Moses!
[Ghost and Scarface get away as Schmidt and Jenko hang off the beam]
Jenko: Shit! What happened?
Schmidt: I think they got away.
[Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of Hardy, who simply stares at Schmidt]
Deputy Chief Hardy: Is that a hickey?
[Schmidt turns his head to reveal massive marks on the side of his neck]
Schmidt: Oh, this, uh, this was actually, uh, an octopus from the incident. Um, I opened a crate, and, uh, the octopus had leapt onto my face and it has apparently they have many many arms. Um…
Deputy Chief Hardy: They have eight tentacles.
Schmidt: Yes. And, uh…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the Jump Street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure Jump Street keeps going. We’ve doubled their budget, as if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
Jenko: Yeah. Like that’s going to work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Yeah. Well, the Commissioner’s convinced this debacle happened because you weren’t doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn’t get that it’s always worse the second time around. You settle into worn out roles.
[pointing to Schmidt then Jenko]
Deputy Chief Hardy: One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow painful unraveling as all of the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound like us. I mean…
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m getting a divorce.
[there’s a small pause]
Jenko: We don’t want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling, you got to find another ceiling and you got to bust through that one. And you just got to keep hammering ceilings…
Schmidt: Okay, okay, okay.
Jenko: What if we actually went to the Secret Service and like try to protect the White House? I think, I’m saying we can…
Schmidt: I don’t think, I don’t think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy: I’m going to ask you to stop talking.
Jenko: I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy: Do the same thing as last time. Everyone’s happy.
[Jenko and Schmidt are standing outside the Korean church at 21 Jump Street]
Jenko: I can’t believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Schmidt: Yeah. But I mean good thing there was even a bigger abandoned church directly across the street.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s convenient.
Schmidt: Yes, it is convenient.
[they walk over to the bigger church at 22 Jump Street]
Jenko: Next year we’ll probably be just right back across the street, just next door.
Schmidt: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jenko: I’m not ahead of ourselves, it’s right next to us.
[as they walk into the church at 22 Jump Street we see behind them is a sign for “23 Jump Street Condominiums”]
Captain Dickson: And we got some new dumb-ass interns.
[to the interns]
Captain Dickson: Hey, hey! Look alive!
Jenko: Ha-ha! Boys!
Delroy: Yoh, Jenko!
[he holds up his and curls his fist like he’s strangling Jenko’s neck, Jenko pretends he’s being strangled then holds up his and pretends to do the same to Delroy]
Roman: Hey, Schmidt!
[Roman tries to do the same to Schmidt, but Schmidt just looks at them and shakes his head]
Schmidt: Don’t do that.
[Jenko and Schmidt are sat in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: So you want the same shit, so here we go.
[he throws a folder to Schmidt and Jenko]
Captain Dickson: Same identities, same assignment.
Jenko: We’re going back to high school?
Captain Dickson: Your ass look like you’re about fifty. You’re going to MC State.
Schmidt: We’re going to college, for real?
Captain Dickson: Somebody’s out here, they’re cooking up a new drug. It’s Adderall mixed with Ecstasy, mixed with God knows what else.
[Jenko looks at his file and tries to read the name of drug which is “WHYPHY”]
Captain Dickson: No, you dumb motherfucker. Why-Phy. Stands for: Work Hard? Yes, Play Hard? Yes. Now these kids take this shit and they get laser focused for about four hours studying and then they party it’s like Goddamn 1999.
[referring to the photo of a girl in his file]
Schmidt: Who’s this?
Captain Dickson: That’s Cynthia Watson. She was a student at MC State, took Why-phy, got locked out of her dorm, ended up falling off the roof. Now she’s dead.
[Dickson passes a folder with photo’s of Cynthia Watts to Jenko]
Captain Dickson: That’s her buying drugs on campus, and that’s the dealer. Find him and we’ll find the supplier.
Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she’s black.
Jenko: I think what he’s really trying to say is that we care equally. It’s a tie really how much we care.
Schmidt: Um, no we’re not. If it was a white person I wouldn’t even care. One less crackerass crackhead to worry about.
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!
[Jenko and Schmidt arrive at MC Stat campus]
Schmidt: You alright?
Jenko: Yeah. It’s just I’m the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
[Schmidt gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]
Schmidt: Best part is we get to do it together.
[they walk together down the dorm hallway carrying all their stuff]
Jenko: What’s up, college?
[referring to their dorm room number]
[to one of the students]
Jenko: What’s up, bro? Fuck high school, right?
[he gives the student a high five]
Schmidt: Fuck me, that is cool.
[as they enter their dorm room]
Jenko: Oh, so tight!
Schmidt: Oh, this is so baller. Hey!
[Jenko jumps onto his bed and hits his head on the mattress]
Schmidt: Oh. Yoh, that’s, uh, that looks like cum.
[Jenko quickly gets off the bed]
Jenko: It’s cum, okay. Alright.
[Schmidt steps outside and says to the student passing by]
Schmidt: Already got cum on the mattress, dog.
[they look at the stuff they’ve brought to college]
Schmidt: Welcome to college.
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
[they face each other holding their hampers]
Jenko: Pop-up hamper.
[they release their pop-up hamper at the same time]
Schmidt: Shower caddy.
[Schmidt holds the shower caddy and places something in it]
Jenko: Hot plate.
[Jenko holds out the box containing the hot plate]
Schmidt: Bean bag chair.
[Schmidt holds out the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
[Jenko holds up a shirt with slogan “Beer Pong”]
Jenko: Three shower poofs.
[holds them up]
Schmidt: Some bacon machine that my mom got me. I do not understand how it works.
[holds up the box containing the machine]
Jenko: This thing.
[Jenko holds up a retro looking desk lamp]
[Jenko smacks the box of Q-tips out of Schmidt’s hand by hitting him with the bean bag chair]
Jenko: Bean bag chair.
[they both hold one end of the comforter]
Jenko: Comforter that I will not wash for the next 6 months.
Schmidt: That’s true.
[we see their weapons and bullets]
Jenko: Super high tech police gear.
[Schmidt holds up a gun]
Schmidt: Carte blanche with the budget, motherfucker.
[Jenko sticks up a poster of a Lamborghini on the wall in their dorm room]
Schmidt: I’m going to veto that poster, it’s a touch childish.
Jenko: Okay. What do Lambo’s have to do with touching children?
Schmidt: Lambo’s are lame.
Jenko: I get one choice. I get one thing that I’m not, I can just do whatever I want to.
Schmidt: It’s just that we have to agree. You know what I mean?
[they are then interrupted by two students]
Kenny Yang: What up, fellas? We’re your across the hall neighbors.
Schmidt: Oh, hey.
Jenko: Oh, you’re twins. What’s up, man?
Kenny Yang: We’re the Yangs, man.
Jenko: What’s going on, man?
Kenny Yang: Kenny Yang. What’s up?
Schmidt: What’s going on?
Keith Yang: Keith Yang.
Kenny Yang: How you doing, man?
[they all shake hands]
Jenko: Did you say the Yangs?
Kenny Yang: Yeah, dad’s Chinese, man.
Keith Yang: Our mom’s not Chinese, she’s black.
Keith Yang: She’s like real black.
Kenny Yang: Like Wesley Snipes black.
Keith Yang: Exactly.
Schmidt: We’re brothers too.
[the Yangs laugh]
Jenko: No, he’s not, he’s not kidding. He’s serious.
Keith Yang: Oh, really?
Kenny Yang: Is like one of you older?
[pointing to Schmidt and Jenko]
Keith Yang: You got crows feet under your eyes, man.
Keith Yang: You specific.
Schmidt: We’re actually just normal college age.
Kenny Yang: I mean even if you were older, that’s cool, man. Because, you know, girls here love older dudes.
Keith Yang: That’s true.
Kenny Yang: Plus, the girls are here, especially during Spring Break.
Jenko: I love Spring Break. But I do have to say I’ve fucked a thousand girls by now, and I don’t know, at the end of the day you just kind of want something that’s just a little deeper really.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, balls deeper.
[they turn to each other and say at the same time]
Keith & Kenny Yang: James bought me a coke. Oh, snap, man. We’re still saying the same thing! This is amazing! Carrots, pumpernickels, glow sticks, twins!
Kenny Yang: Cool, dude.
Keith Yang: That was so sweet.
Schmidt: That’s crazy. We have that brother connection too.
Jenko: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Are you ready?
[the turn to each other and say at the same time]
Jenko: Paper clips!
Jenko: I don’t know!
Keith Yang: That was awesome.
Kenny Yang: That’s great.
[later as they are getting washed up in the bathroom]
Schmidt: It’s going to be super fun. Alright? Same as last time.
Jenko: If it’s like last time, you’re going to have an awesome time and it’s going to suck for me.
Schmidt: No. You’re going to have an awesome time too because I’m going to make sure of it. You took a bullet for me.
Jenko: That’s right, I did, and it sucked. I won’t do it again.
Schmidt: No way, it’s my turn. I owe you a life debt.
[just then a girl wearing nothing but a towel enters]
Jenko: Girl coming through.
[the girl stands next to Schmidt and starts brushing her teeth, Schmidt whispers to Jenko]
Schmidt: Oh, shit. I’m not going to take a shit the entire time I’m here.
Jenko: I know.
[to the girl in the bathroom]
Schmidt: How are you doing?
Girl in Bathroom: Hi.
Schmidt: What’s up?
Girl in Bathroom: What’s up?
Schmidt: Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use.
[the girl looks at Schmidt as he leaves]
[as the enter the college library]
Jenko: They still have books! I thought they just put books inside the computers.
Schmidt: Yeah, I guess the kids just use this to hide and have sex. So we’ll go to all of Cynthia’s classes and activities, ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is.
Jenko: Yeah, it’s just like last time.
Schmidt: Exactly like last time.
[looking at his classes timetable]
Jenko: Dude, in Human Sexuality do you get to fuck or do you just get to watch people fuck?
Jenko: Then what the fuck am I taking it for then?
[list of Cynthia Watson’s classes shows Psychology 101 – Intro to Psychology, Schmidt takes the Psychology class]
Psychology Professor: Obviously we’ve all heard the statement before, “first impressions are important.” I’ve got a first impression for you.
[he clears his throat then suddenly lowers his voice doing impression]
Psychology Professor: “I don’t like Psychology.” Tracy Morgan.
[there’s an awkward silence as the entire class just looks at him]
Psychology Professor: Nobody?
[Schmidt whispers to the stoned looking student sat close to him]
Schmidt: Work hard, play hard, am I right?
[the student looks around him before replying]
Stoned-Looking Kid: You looking for some Why-Phy?
Schmidt: Yeah, I’m going to be sick.
Stoned-Looking Kid: Go to the Police Station, walk in and ask your Captain to see the evidence room, because you’re a fucking narc.
Schmidt: I think you’re mistaking me…
Stoned-Looking Kid: You’re literally wearing a badge.
[Schmidt looks down at his shirt]
Stoned-Looking Kid: Did you really just check to see if you were wearing a badge? This guy’s a fucking cop.
Schmidt: I didn’t look down.
[Jenko goes to the next class in Cynthia’s class list which is in History]
Professor Jacobs: “Wait, Professor Jacobs. Doesn’t history happen a long time ago?” Well, history happened every second of every day…
[Jenko notices a student who look like football player, Rooster, sat behind him; to his friend]
Rooster: This class is such a gut.
[to Rooster as Jenko sees the football in his hand]
Jenko: Hey, you guys play football?
Rooster: [sarcastically] No, this is actually my laptop. Yeah, I’m taking notes right now, huh? I’m kidding, it’s a football.
[suddenly the professor addresses Jenko]
Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade?
Jenko: Covalent bonds.
Professor Jacobs: What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Jenko: Why would you ask me? I’m not a cop.
Professor Jacobs: Because this is a college seminar and that’s how college seminars work. A Professor gets into a lively conversation with a student, friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Jenko: Well, it’s definitely harder to get drugs. I can personally tell you that.
Professor Jacobs: The average price of cocaine has dropped seventy percent in the last thirty years.
Jenko: Then your dealer’s probably selling you some pretty stepped on shit.
[the students laugh]
Professor Jacobs: Mr. McQuade, college is a wonderful place. This is where you get to decide who you actually are instead of the person that you’re clearly pretending to be right now. Which everyone sees through, by the way. You got to decide do I just keep doing the same thing, or am I going to choose a different path? And question my convictions.
Jenko: I don’t have any prior convictions.
[Jacobs stares at Jenko]
Jenko: Why are you saying this stuff?
Professor Jacobs: That’s exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. McQuade! I want you to question what I’m saying! This is the basis of this whole course, and that’s the beauty of college! You can say whatever you want! You can be whatever you want! I mean I have tenure, I can really say whatever I want. George Washington was a black lesbian. The Eiffel Tower’s made of dildos. They can’t fire me. I’m indestructible. I’m sleeping with two of my students.
[pointing to the students]
Professor Jacobs: Her and her, I actually am. Now, just like you did before, I want you, right now, to say whatever you want. Say whatever you want.
Professor Jacobs: Fighto! Not a word, but I’m going to accept it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. McQuade. The only way you can fail this class is by not becoming who you truly are!
[to the female student sat in the front]
Professor Jacobs: Please respond to my text.
[next the duo go to an “Open Mic Night” which is on the Cynthia Watson’s list of activities]
Improv Student: Okay, we got time for just one more improv game. For this one we need a ton of different suggestions. So, uh, we just need you guys to fill in the blank in the sentence that we’re going to set up. So, it’ll go like this, “Oh, I’m so hungry. I wish I had a…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out]
Improv Student: Okay. But we want it, we want it to be actual food, so that it like makes sense with the game. It’s more fun that way. So, uh, let’s try it one more time. “Oh, I’ve got to get home so I can feed my…”
[he points to the audience and Jenko shouts out again]
Improv Student: You know what? Let’s just play the game, okay?
[Schmidt notices a female student, Maya, entering the hall]
Schmidt: That girl’s in my Psych class.
Jenko: Damn, she’s hot. Go talk to her.
Schmidt: You come talk to her with me.
Jenko: Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go.
[Schmidt starts to make his way towards Maya, at the same time the improv students on stage finish their segment and walk off the stage]
Rathskellar Host: Alright, alright. Coming to the stage we got…
[the host gets distracted by one of the female students walking off stage]
Rathskellar Host: J-Bones, AKA, J…
[Schmidt stands next to Maya]
Schmidt: I think we’re in the same Psych class.
Maya: Oh, yeah. Hi.
[Maya and Schmidt watch the slam poet act on the stage]
Slam Poet #1: Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills! Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes Amanda Bynes. Drop that raggedy Andy Serkis. Circle jerkus!
[Jenko goes to sit next to the two improv students that were on the stage earlier]
Jenko: Oh, you guys are in the improv class, right?
Improv Student: You’re the guy with the terrible suggestions.
Jenko: Yeah, yeah. You’re welcome, man. Yeah.
[meanwhile the poet on stage finishes]
Slam Poet #1: Thanks, guys. Um, Lady J’s going to be up next for you.
Schmidt: Cynthia, that girl who died, she used to come here all the time, right?
[they watch as the next slam poet comes on stage]
Slam Poet #2: This piece is called “Areolas.”
Schmidt: Did you know her?
Maya: Yeah, she lived across the hall from me.
Maya: So why do you care so much?
Schmidt: I’m, uh, I’m writing a, um…
[trying to come up with a reason, Schmidt looks at the poet on the stage delivering her performance]
Schmidt: Uh, a slam poem in her honor. Early stages, very early stages.
Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah.
[back to Jenko and the improv students]
Jenko: Wouldn’t it be better just to like plan stuff out ahead of time and make sure it’s funny and you’re not saying anything in front of people to embarrass yourself?
Improv Student: That’s, uh, that’s a thing that people do, that’s stand-up comedy.
Jenko: That’s probably what you should because that stuff is funny.
[back to the slam poet on stage]
Slam Poet #2: My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation.
[to Maya as they watch the poet]
Schmidt: What do you think of this?
Maya: I actually think it’s really powerful.
Schmidt: That’s cool that you said that because I actually thought it was really powerful too, when a girl is talking about her nips and shit.
[the slam poet finishes and the host comes back on stage]
Rathskellar Host: Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share?
Maya: Let’s see your do your act.
Rathskellar Host: Anymore poets in the audience?
[Schmidt is aught off guard]
Schmidt: I’m, I’m…
Maya: You do really do poetry?
Schmidt: I do, and I will.
Rathskellar Host: Improvisers. Dancers.
[to the host]
Maya: We got somebody!
Rathskellar Host: Okay, we got somebody. Alright! Give it up, guys.
[Maya claps for Schmidt to get up on stage]
Maya: Let’s see you up there.
Schmidt: Okay. Okay.
Maya: No pressure.
Schmidt: You’ll see, it’s good.
[Schmidt makes his reluctantly to the stage]
[Jenko laughs to himself as Schmidt makes his way to the stage]
Schmidt: Um, this is a working progress. So, uh…
[he nervously looks at the silent audience and then begins]
Schmidt: Slam. Poetry. Yelling. Angry. Waving my hands a lot. Specific point of view on things. Cynthia. Cyn-thi-a. Jesus died for our Cynthia’s. Jesus cried. Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts. Julia, why.
[he picks up a tambourine and drops it to the ground making Maya laugh]
Schmidt: Hurts. Cynthia. Mmm, Cynthia. You’re dead. You are dead. Bah-boo-beep-bap- bap-boo-bap. You’re dead.
[he looks at Jenko who’s giving him the cut off sign to end it]
Schmidt: That’s for Cynthia, who’s dead.
[Schmidt walks off the stage and surprisingly the audience applauds him]
[after attending all of Cynthia’s classes and activities]
Schmidt: I don’t have a single lead.
Jenko: I do. I hear you can get Why-Phy on campus anywhere twenty-four-seven.
Schmidt: Do you think they mean Why-Phy the drug or Wi-Fi like the internet?
Jenko: What, what…
[suddenly realizes how stupid he’s been]
Jenko: Fuck you, brain. How did we find the dealer so easily the first time?
Schmidt: Well, his number was literally on a sticker.
Jenko: Well let’s go find this guy’s sticker.
Schmidt: I don’t think this guy does stickers.
Jenko: Well, we need help. We need to consult an expert.
[just then they hear Keith and Kenny playing a video game in their room]
Keith Yang: Yoh, dude, you shot him in the dick.
[they high five each other]
Kenny Yang: I got him in the dick.
Keith Yang: Yeah!
[as they both have the same thought Jenko and Schmidt turn to each other]
Schmidt, Jenko: Shot him in the dick.
[the duo go to prison to visit Mr. Walters]
Mr. Walters: Ho! If it isn’t Turner and Hooch in the flesh!
Mr. Walters: Holy shit, you are looking fit! Mm!
[shouting to Eric in he cell behind him]
Mr. Walters: Hey! You should get some tip from this guy, he’s looking good! Look at those pectoral muscles. That’s the kind of definition I want out of you, man.
Jenko: What’s up, Eric?
Eric looking very depressed from behind the bars replies
Eric Molson: Hey.
Schmidt: Mr. Walters, we should, um, or I should apologize for, uh…
Mr. Walters: For shooting my penis off?
Mr. Walters: Yeah. Don’t sweat it, brother. I’m liberated. Totally! You know they gave me a vagina. It’s awesome. You guys want to see it?
[Walters rises to open his overalls]
Schmidt, Jenko: No! No, no, no, no!
Schmidt: No, no, no!
Jenko: No, it’s fine.
Mr. Walters: Alright. Eric’s seen it. Eric’s been all over that shit. Isn’t that right, Eric?
[to Schmidt and Jenko]
Eric Molson: You guys got to get me the fuck out of here.
Mr. Walters: Hey, guess what? I’m Eric’s bitch.
Eric Molson: No, you’re not!
Mr. Walters: Yes, I am! I’m your bitch! Oh, my God. I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t mean that, you know that, right?
Mr. Walters: I’m such a bitch when the old flow shows up. It bleeds so much, it’s crazy! It’s like the elevator doors opening in The Shining.
Eric Molson: Your vagina doesn’t fucking work, man.
Mr. Walters: Worked for you last night!
[Walters chuckles then sticks his tongue out]
Schmidt: You’re so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship.
Mr. Walters: Eric, am I forcing you into anything?
Eric Molson: Yes.
Mr. Walters: See.
Schmidt: Look, they sent us undercover to college to find the dealer of this new synthetic and no one will tell us anything.
Mr. Walters: It’s because you guys look like fucking narcs. Alright? College kids aren’t dumb like Eric.
Eric Molson: I was supposed to go to Berkeley.
Schmidt: Well, they gave us pictures, so we do have that.
[Jenko slides a picture towards Walters]
Mr. Walters: Well that’s you lead, motherfucker! That’s what you start with!
Schmidt: I know, but we can’t see his face. We don’t know who it is.
[Walter screws up his face and repeats Schmidt’s words to mock him]
Mr. Walters: “We don’t know who it is. I’m Schmidt, my pants are so dirty. Ugh!” That’s you.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything like me.
Jenko: You sort of sound like that.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything…
[Walters screws up his face and mocks Schmidt again]
Mr. Walters: “That doesn’t anything like me.”
Jenko: It’s not not you.
Schmidt: That doesn’t sound anything like me!
Mr. Walters: Eric, close your eyes and tell me who’s talking, right now!
[screws his face up and whines like a baby to mock Schmidt, Eric replies with his eyes closed]
Eric Molson: That’s Schmidt being a little bitch.
Schmidt: It’s just a good impression.
[Walters looks at the picture of the drug dealer]
Mr. Walters: Woh! Nice job, super sleuths. Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture?
Mr. Walters: Huh? There’s a reflection right here.
[he points to the dealers arm in the picture which has a tattoo]
Mr. Walters: Your fucking guy’s got a tattoo. Find the tattoo, find the dealer.
[the duo visit a tattoo parlor and show him the picture of the tattoo]
Tattoo Artist: Fuck, man. I don’t know. I do stupid tattoos to drunk kids.
Jenko: Do you remember that stupid tattoo?
[the picture shows the tattoo on his arm is of a bazooka with “BOOM” written in a cloud]
Tattoo Artist: A bazooka? I think I might have did it on a football player? A guy with a red mawhawk. I don’t know, they all start to look the same.
Jenko: I think I know exactly who he’s talking about.
[the duo try out for the football team and watch as Rooster tackles another student roughly to the ground]
Rooster: Yeah! Fuck you! Fuck you, you little walk-on, fuck!
[to Jenko as he touches his shoulder pads]
Schmidt: I can’t like move around in these things.
Rooster: God, I love walk-on day!
[Jenko smiles to himself looking happy and says quietly]
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
[Schmidt watches as Jenko Q-tips his ear]
Schmidt: Is this a good time to be Q-tipping?
[to the walk-ons]
Rooster: You’re all fucking pussies!
Jenko: Dude, you don’t have to do this.
Jenko: I just don’t want you to get hurt.
Schmidt: I’m not going to get hurt…
[just then Rooster pushes past Schmidt rudely]
[Schmidt stumbles onto Jenko who gets pushed into Rooster’s friend, Zook, which makes him drop his sandwich to the ground]
Jenko: Oh, dude, I’m so sorry.
Zook: It’s alright, man. Don’t worry about it, man.
Jenko: You sure?
[just then they both bend down at the same time to pick up the sandwich and smack their heads together]
Zook: I’ll get it.
Jenko: Okay. I got it.
[they both bend down again to grab the sandwich and hit their heads again]
[Schmidt watches as Jenko and Zook are still trying to pick up Zook’s sandwich off the ground]
Zook: That’s fine.
Jenko: Oh, my God. I got.
Zook: No, no. Let me get it. Let me get it.
Jenko: No, I got it. Let me just get it.
Zook: No, I got it. I got it.
Jenko: Let me get it.
[they both bend down again to get the sandwich when Jenko notices his Q-tip has fallen into Zook’s sandwich, he picks it up]
Jenko: Dude, I’m sorry. I got my Q-tip in your meat.
Zook: No, man. I got my, I got my meat in your Q-tip. It’s like a whole new type of sandwich. It’s like a meat-Q-tip.
Jenko: Like a meat-Q.
[they both laugh]
Zook: Like a meat-Q! That’s funny.
[to the other football players]
Zook: Hey, you guys, want some of this sandwich? It’s a meat-Q sandwich. Me and this guy are having a meat-Q.
[Zook and Jenko laugh]
Zook: You’re hilarious, dude. What’s your name?
[Jenko shakes Zook’s hand]
Jenko: Wait, uh, yeah. Yeah, it’s Brad.
Zook: I’m Zook. Nice to meet you.
Jenko: Nice to meet you too, man.
[Jenko then shows impressive skills on the field as he plays and knocks down Rooster who tries to tackle him]
Jenko: You love walk-on day now?
[Jenko gives Rooster a hand to stand and Rooster winces in pain as he appears to have hurts his arm]
Jenko: Arm alright? You want to take the sleeve off?
Rooster: Yeah, I’m good.
[Rooster gives Jenko an unfriendly look then turns and walks away]
Zook: Dude, holy shit! What a great fucking catch!
[they shake hands]
Jenko: If you see that safety line at that ID line it would be quicker.
Zook: Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn’t know you had wheels like that, bro.
[just then Schmidt joins them]
Schmidt: It’s funny, because he’s my brother, so.
Zook: Um, hey, uh, you know, uh, we have this fresh party. Uh, Zeta, I don’t know if you’re thing, but I thought, you know, you could come by and meet the guys, it’d be really fun.
Schmidt: Maybe we will.
Zook: Yeah. Are you guys like together?
Jenko: Yeah, he’s my bro.
Zook: Funny. Funny, dude. That’s funny.
[realizing Jenko is being serious]
Zook: Oh, uh, really? Wow. Um, okay. Yeah, man. Sure. You too, you can come too.
Jenko: We’ll see what we can do.
Schmidt: Yeah. Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier that you didn’t acknowledge, so.
[to Jenko, not acknowledging Schmidt]
Zook: Great catch.
Schmidt: Cool, yeah.
Zook: Bye. See you then.
[Zook touches helmets with Jenko, ignores Schmidt, turns and walks off]
Schmidt: I see you don’t want to address that…
[to Jenko as Zook walks away]
Schmidt: What the fuck is up with that guy?
[as they get ready to go the party]
Schmidt: All we have to do now is watch the frat long enough to confirm that Rooster has the bazooka tattoo.
Jenko: Look, man, do you think it’s cool if you come? Because, I mean, he kind of really just asked me, and I just don’t want to throw it off with this guy.
Schmidt: Dude, you’re tripping. We do everything together. You should lose the puka shells though.
[Jenko touches the necklace he’s wearing]
Schmidt: Things are different since you didn’t go to college.
[later as the duo arrive at the Zeta house for the frat party]
Zook: Yoh, Brad! What’s up, dude?
[Zook notices Jenko’s puka shells]
Zook: Same puka, dude!
[he holds up his own puka shells he’s wearing around his neck]
Jenko: You got the same?
Zook: Holy shit!
[they laugh and do a high five as Schmidt looks at them with obvious jealousy]
Zook: Oh, my God! Look at we’re wearing? And the same jewelry.
Jenko: Yeah, that’s too… Man!
Jenko: I knew that we were going to be connected just like that.
Schmidt: Yeah, why don’t you guys tie your dicks together and get married?
[Rooster joins Jenko, Schmidt and Zook]
Jenko: Rooster! What’s up, bro?
[Rooster and Jenko do a quick hug]
Schmidt: What’s up? How are you doing, man?
[Rooster ignores Schmidt and looks at Jenko’s puka]
Rooster: You look good in the puka.
Jenko: Thanks, dude. I can’t believe we’re wearing the same.
Schmidt: How are you doing, Rooster?
[to Schmidt as Rooster turns and walks off]
Jenko: Rooster is getting some punch, why don’t you go check him out?
[as the party continues, Jenko is standing in the corner alone drinking looking awkward, he watches as Jenko and Zook continue to bond, then he notices Rooster next to him also watching Jenko and Zook]
Schmidt: Hey, what’s up?
Rooster: What’s up? Rooster.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, I know. Uh, we met before.
Rooster: Oh, really? I don’t remember that all. You must have a really plain face.
Schmidt: Yeah, they call me “old plain face.”
Rooster: They call you that?
Schmidt: So do you have any body art or like any ink I could see?
[Rooster looks at Schmidt with suspicion]
Rooster: That’s a pretty random question.
Schmidt: Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man.
[Schmidt extends his hand to shake Roosters]
Rooster: Nice to meet you, man.
[as they shake hands suddenly Schmidt grabs Rooster’s arm and tries to pull up his sleeve and Rooster quickly pushes his hand away]
Rooster: Yoh! Fuck!
Schmidt: What the fuck are you doing, dude?
Rooster: Are you serious right now?
Schmidt: You’re being weird. You’ve been dissed.
[Schmidt walks off]
[Schmidt finds Jenko and Zook continuing to bond outside and goes to join them, but they ignore his presence]
Zook: Hey, hey, dude, do you want to go see the roof?
Jenko: Of course I want to see the roof, dude! Come on, let’s go. Let’s go.
Jenko: Come on over to the roof. Come on over to the roof.
[Jenko suddenly runs over to the balcony pillar ahead, jumps up grabs the edge of the balcony and pulls himself into the balcony, Zook then does the same]
Jenko: Come on, you can do it. Come on! Come on! Come on!
Zook: I miss climbing so much.
[Schmidt watches them from below]
Jenko: Come on, let’s go! Come on.
Schmidt: Alright. Uh…
[Schmidt runs awkwardly to the pillar, tries to jump and climb up it but fails]
Jenko: One more time.
Schmidt: I’m just going to go home. I don’t know hard core, so.
[after leaving the party Schmidt is walking back home when Maya notices him]
Maya: Hey, Maya Angelou!
Schmidt: Poetry. Okay, I got it.
[Schmidt walks over to Maya]
Schmidt: Make fun of the poetry major.
Maya: So, I guess you have no interest in having a real job in the future?
Schmidt: Absolutely not.
Maya: No, right?
[they both laugh]
Schmidt: What about you?
Maya: Um, I’m an art major.
Schmidt: Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit, because…
Maya: No, I can’t. I’m cannot.
Schmidt: You’re never going to make any money in art.
Maya: I’m never going to make any money, so don’t tell my parents.
Schmidt: When I talk to your parents tonight I will not tell them about your major.
Maya: Okay, thank you.
Schmidt: You’re welcome.
Schmidt: Alright, Art Major. What do you think about that?
[he points to the two egg shaped sculptures opposite them]
Maya: Um, I would say that it’s these two beings leaning up against each other in perfect balance. If one where to fall, they would just lose each other. So, it’s just about support.
Schmidt: You can’t admit that it looks exactly like testicles?
Maya: That’s exactly what it looks like.
[they both laugh]
Schmidt: So is there someone who supports you?
Maya: No, I’m one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself.
Schmidt: Tell me about. I love to be alone. I am like the best at it. I just love when you’re sitting there in a room, and you’re just there with your thoughts and you’re like, “Oh, my gosh! I’m alone. And will anyone ever love me.” Or whatever, and like, “Do I know anyone who would care if I just ever came out of this room or not.” Or whatever, and like, I don’t know, it’s just peaceful. I just like it.
Maya: Yeah, well, if you don’t want to be alone tonight, we are going to go and hang out at the art building. Do you want to come?
Schmidt: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
[back at the frat house as Jenko carries on partying and bonding with Zook]
Jenko: I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn’t expect it. What I didn’t expect was tonight would go in the exact way that you would expect. You know what I mean?
[back to Schmidt who’s at the art building with Maya’s friends]
Schmidt: So you guys hang out here a lot?
Spencer: Yeah. I mean, we’re not into the whole frat party kind of stuff. We like to sit around and drink some good wine and talk about some important stuff.
[back to the frat party with Jenko]
Zook: Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day.
Jenko: Those are two of my favorite things to do.
[back to Schmidt with Maya at the art building]
Schmidt: You are like a slightly less attractive version of…
Maya: Right? I’ve been told that before.
[the rest of the night we see both Jenko and Schmidt bonding with their respective new friends]
[Schmidt and Maya are walking towards her dorm room]
Maya: Oh, that’s Cynthia Watson’s room.
[she goes to open the door to her room]
Maya: Oh, it’s only 2. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in?
Schmidt: It’s only 2? I usually go to dinner at like 2 a.m. and stuff. Sure, yeah. Why not?
[Maya leads a happy looking Schmidt into her room]
[Jenko and Schmidt are sat on the football goal post]
Rooster: I’m going to do it! I just got to get it at the right angle.
[Rooster rushes to the goal past and tries to pick it up]
Zook: Will you stop!
Rooster: Stupid fucking goal post!
Zook: It’s not possible! You can’t fucking do it.
Zook: Fans use to rush the field after every win and pick up the goal post. Coach hated it, so he cemented them in. They strung the field and still tried to do it, they just bounced around.
Rooster: Fucking goal post, bro. You guys might want to hold on because this shit is coming down!
[Rooster takes of his shirt and Jenko notices that Rooster does have a tattoo on his arm but it’s not of a bazooka]
Jenko: Yoh, what is that? The tattoo? What’s that right there?
Rooster: Oh, oh, this?
Rooster: It’s my old high school team, “The Plainview Red Herrings.” Look at it swim.
[Rooster starts flexing his muscle, Jenko looks visibly upset that his theory about Rooster was wrong]
Jenko: Shit, that’s a really outside of the box high school mascot.
Rooster: Hold on, guys.
[Rooster rushes towards the goal post and goes head first into it knocking himself out]
Zook: Hey, why didn’t you come to practice today? I mean, you’re obviously good enough to play on the team.
Jenko: Look I’m not supposed to be here to play football.
Jenko: I’m just here to do my assignments and get out, that’s it.
Zook: I mean, yeah, school’s important and whatever, but when I was throwing you the passes, it was like, it was like I knew where you were going to before you went there. I had this vision of me throwing bullet T.D.’s to you, dude. And then all these fans just started going like, “Aaahh! Zook, McQuade! And Zook, McQuade!” They were chanting and chanting, then the goal posts came down.
Jenko: Dude, I have had that exact vision like my entire life. Dude.
Jenko, Zook: Dude!
Zook: Look, well we fucking can. All you got to do is join team.
[Jenko hesitates before replying]
Jenko: Yeah, why not?
[they shake hands]
Jenko: Fuck, yeah.
Zook: Fuck, yeah, dude.
[as they hold onto each others hand Jenko suddenly notices something on Zook’s arm]
Jenko: What’s that?
Zook: My tattoo. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
[he rolls up his sleeve to reveal his tattoo which is of a bazooka]
Zook: Look, that’s me. Zook. I got a fucking bazooka for an arm, know what I mean?
[Jenko looks visibly shocked]
Zook: Dude, I’m so fucking pumped that you’re going to be on this team, bro.
[they shake hands again]
[the next morning Schmidt wakes up in Maya’s bed with Maya sleeping beside him]
Schmidt: What’s up? How are you doing?
Maya: Hi. Good.
Schmidt: How was the, um, how was the sex for you? It was fun for me, it was a good time.
Maya: Yeah, right.
Schmidt: I enjoyed it.
[as they both laugh we see a girl, Mercedes, sitting on the bed across the room watching them]
Mercedes: This is why I don’t drink.
Schmidt: Hey. How you doing?
Mercedes: I’m fine. I mean, when I’m not listening to you guys fornicate all night long.
Mercedes: Thrusting and pumping. I thought your hip popped out at one point. I’m just saying it’s like all fun and games and then you wake up in bed next to a forty year-old freshman.
Schmidt: I’m nineteen, so.
Mercedes: Nineteen minutes late to pinochle? Where you’re meeting your old friends in the park?
Schmidt: Yeah, that’s what I meant.
Mercedes: Oh, my gosh. Maya, look at him. He’s still so sharp. This one’s firing. Tell us about the war, any one of them. You’re like the loudest climaxer I’ve ever heard. It was like the sound of like a thirty year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time.
Schmidt: Okay. Well, so lovely talking with you. You’re a lovely person.
Mercedes: Hm. Nice to meet you.
[Mercedes grabs her wash bag, gets up and starts to leave the room]
[after Mercedes leaves the room]
Maya: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: She seems nice.
Maya: She’s horrible.
Maya: God. She was Cynthia’s room mate and I felt bad for her so I told her I would room with her, so.
[there’s a moments awkward silence]
Maya: So you probably have a bunch of stuff you have to do today, right?
Maya: Oh. Okay. Um…
Schmidt: Look, I just want you to know I’m not like “a hit and quit it” type of fella. I’m like “a hit it, continue to hit it, both physically and emotionally” kind of guy.
Maya: Hey, Doug, you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?
Maya: I mean, you’re cool with just hooking up?
Schmidt: Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I’m glad you said something.
Maya: Because I don’t even know if I like you when I’m sober.
Schmidt: No! I know, and it’s like, that doesn’t even hurt, like at all. Okay, so, um, I’m going to split. I’ll text you later. Um, great, that was great sex. You’re good at it.
[Schmidt gets up and starts to leave]
Schmidt: And I’ll text you, in five minutes or something?
[Schmidt and Jenko are at the headquarters to report to Dickson, both are standing in front of a chart they’ve made with all the leads they’ve found so far, which isn’t any]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck is this? This is bullshit! Are you two fucking around the school again? We got to pay for this shit, we need results!
Schmidt: No, no, no, no! Look, we are looking aggressively for this very specific tattoo.
Jenko: Or the tattoo could just be a dead end.
[Schmidt gives Jenko a surprised look]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck? It’s the same case! Do the same thing!
Schmidt: Well, it’s not exactly the same case, because, uh, one of got laid last night.
Captain Dickson: Schmidt?!
Schmidt: Ssh. Don’t wake up my dick. Fluid on the red eye, it hasn’t got a wink of sleep.
Schmidt: We’re talking missionary. We’re talking missionary. We’re talking, when I’m on top and she’s on her back. She’s smart, she’s an Art major.
Captain Dickson: She can’t be that smart, she has a fucking Art major.
Schmidt: Come on.
Captain Dickson: I will give you some dap, Schmidt
[Schmidt goes towards Dickson]
Schmidt: Come on, give me some daps, man!
[Dickson extends his hand and Schmidt hits it]
Captain Dickson: Give me some, give me some.
Schmidt: Come on!
[in their dorm room, Jenko is reading a book on human sexuality]
Jenko: My Human Sexuality class is blowing my mind. Did you know I used gay slurs in high school?
Schmidt: Yes, directed at me.
Jenko: Dude, I’m so sorry for being a homophone.
Schmidt: Are we going to talk about how weird you were today with Dickson?
Jenko: Look I don’t think the tattoo means what you think it means. I mean, for all we know a lot of people could have that tattoo.
[holding up the photo of the tattoo on the dealers arm]
Schmidt: This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo? Name me one other person who has this?
Jenko: For starters, Zook has it.
Schmidt: Zook has a tattoo?!
Jenko: I think it’s pretty popular.
Schmidt: What the fuck? We’ve been looking for this tattoo for days! Don’t you think this means that Zook is the dealer?
Jenko: I really want you guys to hang out.
Schmidt: We have hung out, he’s completely ignored me. I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to investigate your new BFF. We’re going to put cameras everywhere and we’re going to monitor the fuck out of what he’s doing.
Jenko: We can’t just walk into Zeta House and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay? There’s dudes there everywhere. Alright, your plan is stupid, I’m sorry.
Schmidt: My plan is stupid. That’s interesting.
Jenko: What, what, okay…
[just then the Yang twins enter their room]
[the Yang twins watch as Schmidt and Jenko are bickering]
Schmidt: How did you know?
Jenko: From basically like watching you.
Schmidt: Okay. Yeah, exactly. I’m the fucking stupid one.
Jenko: Oh, that’s really fucking stupid.
Keith Yang: Man, it must be hard being so different. We’re exactly the same, it makes everything so much easier.
Jenko: Guys, can you just give some space? We’re really trying to figure something out and we need to focus, okay?
[Jenko takes a bite of the krispie treats he’s been eating]
Keith Yang: You’re not going to have trouble focusing, man.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, man. Yeah, man, those krispie treats got mad Why-Phy in them.
Keith Yang: Yeah, we made a batch for the whole dorm, man.
[Schmidt holds up a piece of the krispie treat]
Schmidt: I’ve eaten six of these.
Keith Yang: Then you’re going to be real focused.
Kenny Yang: Real focused.
Keith Yang: And in about four hours…
Keith & Kenny Yang: …you’re going to be tripping.
[Schmidt drops down onto his bean bag]
Schmidt: Oh, fuck.
Keith & Kenny Yang: It’s alright, man.
Jenko: Who sold you Why-Phy?
Keith Yang: Nobody sold it to us.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, man. Cynthia gave us a buttload and in exchange we wrote her logic paper for her.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Alright, man.
Keith Yang: We’ll see you guys later. Enjoy the food.
[the Yangs turn and leave the room]
Schmidt: Maybe this is a good thing. Since we’re going to be focused, let’s use that focus to figure out a way to get into Zook’s house.
Jenko: You feel anything?
Schmidt: No, do you feel anything?
Jenko: No. I have a super high tolerance.
[suddenly the drug takes effect and their pupils shrink]
[later that night, still high on the drug the duo sneak to infiltrate Zook’s frat house]
Jenko: I’m so focused!
Schmidt: I’m so focused too!
[they crawl closer to the frat house and Jenko lands on top of Schmidt]
Schmidt: You don’t have to be on top of me.
Jenko: Yes, I do.
Schmidt: Go, go, go!
[they make to the edge of house and Jenko places camera on the porch]
Schmidt: Let’s go.
[inside the house Zook is leading a meeting about which new student they should recruit for their frat]
Frat Guy: No fucking way.
[Zook points to the photo of the student]
Zook: Okay, so no to Dane?
[the other students put their hands up]
Zook: Alright, out. Alright.
[Schmidt shoots a rope gun at the roof of the frat building and manages to get it to land on the edge of the roof]
[as Jenko gets Schmidt toed to the rope to pull him to the roof]
Jenko: That helmet looks kind of lame.
Schmidt: You know what’s not lame? Safety.
[as Schmidt gets slowly pulled up by the rope Jenko quickly jumps onto the balcony and climbs to the top, after reaching the attic window, Jenko uses his laser beamer like he’s cutting through the glass]
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Jenko: I’m cutting glass
Schmidt: It’s a laser pointer, you can’t cut glass.
[Schmidt pushes the window and it opens]
Jenko: What? That’s no fun at all.
[after they enter inside the attic]
Schmidt: I’m so focused.
Jenko: Let’s do this.
Schmidt: I’m so focused.
Jenko: Let’s do this.
[Jenko drills several holes through the ceiling, and places cameras through to where Zook and the rest of the frat boys are holding their meeting]
Jenko: Give me another.
Schmidt: We don’t have any more cameras.
[Jenko doesn’t listen and continues to drill holes]
Schmidt: You don’t need to drill any more holes, I don’t have any more…
[Jenko still doesn’t listen and continues to drill holes]
Jenko: Yep, that one’s perfect. Okay, put it through that one.
Schmidt: I don’t have any more cameras, I’ve said it five times.
[after they’ve set up the cameras in the attic]
Schmidt: Alright, let’s look.
[Jenko gets the iPad and brings up the footage showing Zook holding the frat recruitment meeting]
Schmidt: Time to prove that Zook’s the dealer.
Jenko: Or not the dealer.
[the duo watch the footage of Zook carrying on with the frat recruitment meeting]
Zook: Next up is Brad McQuade.
[everyone one in the meeting gives an excited approval of yes, Jenko looks pleased as he watches them]
Zook: Obviously, right? I mean the guy is, the guy is all time. The guy seems to be honest. I mean, like he was opening up beer cans with his eyes balls.
[to Schmidt as they watch Zook]
Jenko: He’s so sweet, isn’t he?
Zook: So, Brad’s in.
[next comes up Schmidt’s picture]
Zook: Uh, Doug McQuade.
[there’s an immediate chorus of no’s and Schmidt looks clearly upset]
Zook: He’s Brad’s brother, he follows him around everywhere. So I doubt we’d get Brad without Doug.
Schmidt: That’s not true, I have a serious girlfriend.
[Schmidt and Jenko watch Rooster talking to Zook about Schmidt]
Rooster: I got a bad feeling about this guy.
Rooster: I was talking to him for a second, he’s got a big mouth. Okay? I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us.
[to Schmidt as they listen]
Jenko: You see! You’re fucking this up. You talk way too much.
[back to Zook and Rooster]
Zook: They guy’s harmless, dude. Look at him, he’s nice.
Rooster: He looks like a thirty year old eighth grader.
Zook: He’s going to be fine.
Rooster: I’m just saying, the kid sucks.
Zook: Okay. And Brad could be like our guy. He could like be a part of my thing.
Schmidt: Our thing?
Jenko: Yeah. Ssh! I’m trying to hear them be nice about me.
[just then Schmidt moves his hand back and it know over mannequin which falls to the attic floor]
[the noise causes Zook and Rooster to look up]
Zook: Somebody up there?
[Schmidt and Jenko get up to leave]
Zook: Did you lock the door?
Rooster: I did, man. I checked, twice.
[as Zook makes his way to the attic to check, Schmidt and Jenko quickly cover up all their cameras and make a run for it, when Zook enters the attic he looks out the window and sees them running off]
[as they are running back to their dorm]
Schmidt: Do you think he saw us?
Jenko: No. You’re just paranoid because we’re about to trip off.
Schmidt: I’m not being paranoid! This could be dangerous.
Jenko: No, we’re fine. Look at us, we made it.
[they reach their dorm building and as Jenko opens the door they are caught by Zook and his guys, they put bags over their heads and are then stuffed in a trunk of a car]
[from inside the trunk of the car]
Jenko: I can’t breath.
Schmidt: They made us! They’re going to kill us! Jenko! Where are you going?
[he feels Jenko leave his side, then lifts his hood and snaps the bonds tying his hands together]
Schmidt: I think we’re tripping. Oh, fuck!
[he looks around to see he’s in a dark secluded place surrounded by sharp edge rocks]
Schmidt: I’m having a bad trip! I’m having a bad Trip!
[we then see Jenko is also tripping but he is experiencing a colorful happy high surrounded by large stuffed rainbows and sunshine]
Jenko: I think we are tripping. This is great.
Schmidt: My side’s so much scarier than yours.
Jenko: No, shit. Your trip sucks. You should come over here, it’s way better.
[as they are both having their trips standing side by side, Schmidt tries to walk over to Jenko’s side but is stopped by an invisible wall]
Schmidt: It’s some kind of weird sponge screen!
[Schmidt tries to push through the spongy wall]
Schmidt: Jenko! Jenko!
[we see Jenko is riding on a small Lamborghini toy car]
Jenko: I’m riding on my lambo. Hey, Schmidt, look! Look!
[he starts laughing in a high pitched voice]
[on Schmidt side he trip get darker and it starts to rain, then as Jenko dances to happy music in his trip, Schmidt is listening to depressing music]
Schmidt: My legs are tired.
[the happy and depressing music continues for the duo in their respective highs]
Schmidt: Help! No more music!
[he then hears his own voice echoing around him]
Schmidt: You’ll always be alone.
[he starts seeing Cynthia Watson’s photo and police file and he freaks out and looks over to Jenko’s side]
Schmidt: Hey, Jenko?
[Jenko starts floating upwards]
Schmidt: Where are you going?
Jenko: I’m just going to go up for a while, okay?
Schmidt: Stay! Stay here!
Jenko: No, I want to stay and have fun! This is amazing.
[Jenko starts floating up higher and Schmidt tries to push through the spongy wall separately them to keep him down]
Jenko: Oh, my God!
Schmidt: No! Stay here!
[Schmidt manages to break through the spongy wall and grab Jenko’s hand]
Jenko: No! Dude, stop it! You’re dragging me down! Why would you drag me down! I’m flying!
[Schmidt finally pulls Jenko down]
[after coming down from their Why-Phy trip suddenly the trunk door is opened and Zook and Rooster are stood over them pointing guns at them]
Zook: Wake up! Get out the car! Get out of the car!
[Schmidt and Jenko get out of the trunk]
Zook: Get on the ground! Get on your fucking knees! Get on your knees!
[Schmidt and Jenko kneel before Zook and Rooster]
Zook: You already know, don’t you?
Zook: Do you have anything to say?
Schmidt: Please don’t kill us!
Zook: If you don’t have anything to fucking say, open your fucking mouth!
[Zook and Rooster points their guns at Schmidt and Jenko and pull the trigger suddenly a stream of liquid hits their face]
Jenko: What the fuck?
Schmidt: Is that vodka?!
Zook: Welcome to Zeta, pledges.
Rooster: Yeah, bro!
[Rooster starts squirting the liquid from the gun into his mouth as the other frat boys rush towards them cheering]
[Zook and the rest of the frat boys start initiating Jenko and Schmidt into their fraternity]
Zook: Pledges, tonight we separate the weak from the strong. If you don’t make it through tonight, you’re dead to all of us! Rooster, light the torch!
Rooster: For Zeta!
[Rooster lights the torch and the frat boys cheer, the clock shows 11:32 p.m. when frat boys subject Schmidt and Jenko to drinking games as they chant to them]
Frat Boys: Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers! Drink, motherfuckers…
Jenko: Dude, no matter what happens you have to keep up. Okay?
Schmidt: I’m going to throw up!
Jenko: Another shot. Go!
[we then see the clock showing 1.18 a.m. and Schmidt and Jenko are subjected to dunking their heads into buckets of water]
Zook: Ready! Go!
[Schmidt and Jenko dunk their heads into the water to see how long they can hold their breath]
Zook: One! Two! Three…
[suddenly Schmidt’s head pops back up]
Schmidt: I can’t do it! I can’t do it no more!
Zook: Twenty is the record!
[as Zook keeps on counting Jenko still has his head in the water]
Zook: Thirty-three! Thirty-four…
[Jenko is still holding his head in the water as Zook continues to count]
[finally Jenko’s head emerges from the water and the frat boys all cheer]
[at 3.44 a.m. we see Jenko jumping over a high stack of beer bottles and boxes impressing the frat boys with his move while Schmidt clumsily just goes straight through the bottles and boxes knocking them all down; then at 4.27 a.m. they play their last game]
Jenko: You can do this. You can do this.
Schmidt: I can’t! This is disgusting! I can’t do this anymore!
Zook: And now, for my favorite event.
[Schmidt turns to see pigs being brought in]
Schmidt: Fuck this! I’m not doing this.
[Schmidt turns and starts to leave]
Jenko: Where are you going?
Schmidt: I’m not doing this, okay?
[Jenko follows Schmidt as he walks out the fraternity initiation]
Jenko: Hey Schmidt!
[Schmidt turns to face him]
Schmidt: What the fuck, man?
Jenko: What is your problem? You said you wanted to stick together! This is what we have to do to win their trust. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s just drinking and bonding games. It’s fun!
Schmidt: It’s fun for you, it’s not fun for me.
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe we should just, maybe we should just investigate different people.
Schmidt: Did you really just say that? Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people? That’s what you want?
Jenko: I don’t know, maybe. Maybe we should just, we should just branch out. Okay? Just sow our oats a little. Sow our cop oats. Look, I have an in with Zook. We have a thing and it’s good, and I don’t know, maybe I should just stay closer to him. And you should do your thing with your connections and channels with Cynthia’s roommate. You should see if she knows who sold her drugs.
Schmidt: I just, I just don’t want, don’t like the idea of us doing stuff separately.
Jenko: No, look, we can still investigate together. It’s just, you know, now it’ll be an open thing.
Schmidt: You want an open investigation?
Jenko: I don’t know if that’s what I want. Alright? I think it’s time right now for us to try.
[Schmidt looks visibly upset]
Jenko: I guess I’ll just catch you later then.
[Schmidt nods his head looking sad]
Jenko: You okay?
[Jenko goes towards him to comfort him]
Schmidt: No, you can’t hug me right now.
Jenko: Do you want to freak out?
Schmidt: No, I don’t want to freak out.
[Jenko turns and leaves; to himself]
Schmidt: I don’t know where the fuck I am right now.
[early in the next morning Schmidt walks to his dorm holding his shoes in his hand when he spots another student walking to the dorm too]
Schmidt: Hey, Lauren. I just want to get to bed and watch Friends all day.
[Schmidt watches the college football game in the crowd as Jenko runs onto the field with the rest of the players]
Football Game Announcer #1: Let’s hear it for your Metropolitan City State College Statesman!
Football Game Announcer #2: And the Statesmen take the field in the opening game against the University of College Generals.
Football Game Announcer #1: In a surprise start today with the walk-on freshman Brad McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #2: Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
Football Game Announcer #1: It’s the hormones in the milk, bud.
[as the game starts Zook catches the ball]
Football Game Announcer #1: Haythe drops back.
Football Game Announcer #2: And caught by McQuade, who beats Wilk like an egg white on my famous bread recipe.
[as the coach watches Jenko play]
MCS Coach: Holy shit, he’s good.
[to the other players]
MCS Coach: None of you tell him in the play that he’s good! Alright? If you do he’ll leave the City program.
Football Game Announcer #2: As the clock ticks down we’ve got time for one last play.
[Jenko catches the ball and does another touch down]
Football Game Announcer #2: Another perfect hook up between Haythe and McQuade.
Football Game Announcer #1: Even their celebrating is in perfect sync. It’s like these two share a single brain, Bob.
Football Game Announcer #2: That’s right, Jim. They both have one half a brain. And the crowd rush to the field to try and knock down the goal post.
[the coach watches the crowd trying to take the goal post down]
MCS Coach: It’s not coming down!
Football Game Announcer #2: Good luck, guys.
Football Game Announcer #1: Looks like MC State got a new power couple. Zook and McQuade!
[Schmidt sits alone staring in disbelief as everyone is rushing down to the field]
Stadium Fan: I got to get around you, man. I can’t jump up because I got a broken ankle.
[Schmidt moves his legs so the older fan can go past him]
[Schmidt is sat in his room watching Jenko and Zook doing bench press on his iPad with jealousy when he decides to send Jenko a text message]
[Schmidt watches as Jenko get the text and takes his phone out of his pocket to look]
[Jenko shakes his head and puts his phone back in his pocket]
Zook: Dude, who is that?
Jenko: Doesn’t matter.
Zook: Are you ready?
[Schmidt watches and looks upset and frustrated at being ignored by Jenko]
Zook: Alright! Come one! Focus!
Jenko: Focus. Focus.
[Schmidt continues to watch them as they continue do their bench press together]
Zook: Come on!
[just then someone knocks on Schmidt’s door]
Schmidt: There’s a sock on the door! Don’t come in! I’m having sex with a human woman!
[he goes back to watching Jenko and Schmidt]
Zook: Oh, God!
[as Schmidt is walking through the college campus he suddenly get an unwelcome surprise from his parents]
Annie Schmidt: Hey!
David Schmidt: Look at you!
Schmidt: What are you guys doing here?
Annie Schmidt: What, are you kidding? It’s parents weekend.
[Annie hugs Schmidt]
[later as they walk through the campus]
Annie Schmidt: That’s wonderful. You’re dating someone.
Schmidt: Thanks, Mom. Listen, we’re undercover.
[Maya is getting a ticket for something]
Maya: Thank you.
[she looks up to see Schmidt with his parents]
Schmidt: Maya! Hey.
Schmidt: These are my parents.
Annie Schmidt: Oh, so this is the girl?
Annie Schmidt: Hi, I’m Annie. I’m your new mother in-law.
[Annie laughs as she goes to hug a confused looking Maya, Schmidt looks embarrassed]
Maya: Nice to meet you.
[quietly to himself]
Schmidt: We’re students.
David Schmidt: Hi.
[they shake hands]
Maya: Nice to meet you.
Maya: Well, uh, my parents are here too.
[just then Maya’s father calls out to her]
Captain Dickson: Maya! Hurry up. Your mama done found a table she want.
[just then Schmidt and Dickson notice each other, Dickson walks over to Maya]
Captain Dickson: How do you know this person?
Maya: Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I’m dating.
Captain Dickson: What the fuck?
Schmidt: I was…
Captain Dickson: How’s your classes going, Doug?
Schmidt: …was just in the neighborhood…
Annie Schmidt: I have an idea. Why don’t we all sit together? Wouldn’t that be fun?
Maya: Yes, thank you.
[Dickson is giving Schmidt the evil eye as they are sat in awkward silence at the restaurant]
Schmidt: So, do you like weather?
Mrs. Dickson: Do you two know each other?
Captain Dickson: No.
Schmidt: It’s crazy all these, uh, student and parents, potential witnesses.
Mrs. Dickson: How did you two meet?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, I love meet-cute stories.
Maya: We met at a Poetry Slam and then he stalked me back to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson: Stalked her?
Annie Schmidt: Oh, that’s so beautiful.
Captain Dickson: Then what happened?
Maya: And then we hung out and we watched a movie. Actually we watched it a couple times.
[Maya grabs Schmidt’s hand and he let’s go of it as he feels Dickson getting angrier]
Schmidt: Yeah, babe.
Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! It’s fu…! Waiter! What can a black man do get some water around here?!
Schmidt: Give the fucking guy some water! He’s black, he’s been through a lot!
Mrs. Dickson: For the sake of your daughter, please keep it together.
Captain Dickson: I’m going to need a motherfucking crane before I go crazy. I’ll be right back.
[Dickson gets up and walks off]
David Schmidt: So, uh, where are you from originally?
Mrs. Dickson: I’m straight out of Compton. But my husband’s from Northridge.
[Dickson walks over to the food counter where the waiter is serving]
Captain Dickson: My man, hook me up.
[the waiter dishes out some beans onto his plate]
Captain Dickson: What the fuck are ya’ll doing? Are ya’ll rationing around here? Come on! Hook me up.
[the waiter places more beans on his plate]
Captain Dickson: Two little fucking string beans. Give me the Goddamned string beans!
[suddenly he puts his hands in the bowl of beans and picks a handful up and dumps it on his plate then goes around the table picking up the rest of the food with his hand and slams it on his plate]
Captain Dickson: I want some fucking deviled eggs! I like fruit! Don’t you like fruit? I like fruit!
[he picks up the lid on one of the good containers]
Captain Dickson: This pork shit! Goddammit!
[he tosses the food container aside in anger]
[as they hear Dickson having a fit at the food service area]
Schmidt: He’s really taking it out on the wrong…
[Dickson continues on shouting in the background]
Captain Dickson: That shit is nasty!
[to Schmidt and his parents]
Mrs. Dickson: He’s under a lot of pressure at work.
[back to Dickson shouting as he makes his way around the food service area]
Captain Dickson: What’s up? want to go to the movies?
[he starts stabbing a cooked chicken]
Captain Dickson: Break your motherfucking legs! Break your legs!
[he tosses the chicken aside, Maya then gets up from the table and leaves, back to Dickson who turns to face a massive flower plant by the food service table]
Captain Dickson: What? How you doing Mr. Nice Plant? Get your fucking ass in there!
[he kicks the plant aside]
[Jenko is with Zook and his buddy’s celebrating at their frat house]
Zook: Hey, you want another drink?
Jenko: Yeah, yeah.
[Zook leaves to get Jenko a drink when Jenko notices a small bag of Why-Phy drug in Zook’s bag, later as Jenko is working out with Zook]
Jenko: Hey, look man, you know you can always tell me something if you want to get it off your chest. You know I’m always here for you, right?
Zook: What are you trying to say?
Jenko: No, nothing. Alright, everything that happened with Cynthia and Why-Phy. I just don’t want you to screw up.
Zook: You don’t think I know what I’m doing?
Zook: I know exactly what I’m doing here.
Zook: I’m going to tell you something, alright? Can I trust you?
Jenko: Yeah, of course.
Zook: I have a friend who knows a guy at UMC, he’s a scout, and they’re QB, he’s not playing well, they’re unhappy with the situation, they want me to make a tape. And I want you to be on it with me.
[Jenko looks a little surprised]
Jenko: N-n-nothing else?
Zook: And they had five guys in draft last year. Brad, this could be our shot. We’re like the dynamic duo, bro. We’re like Batman and Robin, but we’re both Batman. What do you want to be? Like a stock broker? Or a cop? Dude, your ceiling is like so high. You can just bust right in it.
[he raises his hand and uses his other hand to punch through it]
Jenko: Just break through it.
[they both simultaneously bust through the palm of their hand with the other hand and chant]
Jenko, Zook: Right through it. Right through it. Right through it.
Jenko: You really think I can make it to UMC?
Zook: Dude, you can make it into the hall of fame.
Jenko: No, that’s you. You’re going to be in like the annals of football history.
Zook: Dude, you could make it into the annals of football history too. We’re going to have to tear those annals up.
Zook: We’re going to fucking tear it up.
Jenko: I mean, it’s just a tape, right?
[after the dinner with their parents Maya and Schmidt return to her room]
Maya: I fucking hate my dad so much. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a guy like that telling you what to do all the time.
Schmidt: I can only imagine.
Maya: I just don’t understand what his problem is with you specifically? I don’t…
[just then Schmidt gets a text from Dickson]
“What up, “Doug”?”
Maya: Oh, Jesus. That make no sense to me.
[Dickson follows that up with another text message]
“I’m going to kill you, “Doug”.”
Maya: I mean you are a perfectly good guy, you’re very honest and nice.
[Schmidt gets two more text messages from Dickson]
“U are a dead man, “Doug”.”
[the next message shows symbols for a skull, gun, knife, hammer and the word “Doug”]
Maya: Why does my dad have your phone number?
Schmidt: Uh, I don’t know. Maybe a school directory or something.
Maya: Let’s do something, let’s do something that would distract us.
Maya: So we don’t have to think about him anymore.
[Maya starts kissing him which makes Schmidt uncomfortable and he pulls away]
Schmidt: Alright, um, Maya, is it okay if we just talk?
Maya: Okay, let’s talk.
[Maya and Schmidt are sat on the couch talking]
Maya: No way!
Schmidt: Yeah. I was Peter Pan but then I was like late.
Maya: You were a lot closer to your brother then, it seems like.
[Schmidt looks a little sad as he agrees]
Schmidt: Yeah. Yeah.
[we then see Jenko with Zook making their football tape on the computer and laughing]
Zook: You’re a fucking genius, dude!
Jenko: Are you sure it’s not too much though?
[they keep working on it until the next morning]
Jenko: All night. We were up all night!
Zook: Yeah, but it’s going to be so worth it, dude. It’s going to be fucking worth it, I promise.
Jenko: Alright, here we go.
Zook: You know what this needs? Another…
[they both speak at the same time]
Zook, Jenko: Star wipe. Jinks. Buy me a beer. Nice twist. On what?
Maya: I can’t believe we’ve been talking all night.
[looking at her phone]
Maya: Oh, my God! It’s eight o’clock. I have a class actually.
Maya: Um, uh, yeah, you can help yourself to whatever you need. And, um, I’m so sorry about this. I’ll see you.
[she kisses Schmidt]
Maya: I’ll see you later.
Maya: Best night ever. Okay. Bye!
[looking happy Maya leaves Schmidt]
[moment after Maya leaves Schmidt hears someone clear their throat, he looks across the room and sees Mercedes sitting n her bed staring at him]
Schmidt: How long have you been there?
Mercedes: Like the longest amount of time you could think of right now.
Schmidt: This stuff wasn’t meant for you, it was meant to be private.
Mercedes: So am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You got ninety-nine problems, but being young isn’t one.
Schmidt: You’re just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection.
Mercedes: I’m pretty close with my Grandpa too. You’re more messed up than Cynthia was, and she went to the school shrink three times a week.
Mercedes: I don’t know, but he gave her a ton of pills and shit. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face.
[Schmidt is sat in the hallway of Cynthia’s therapist office waiting for Jenko when he finally appears]
Schmidt: You’re late.
Jenko: No, actually I was busy with the investigation.
Schmidt: This is Cynthia’s therapist office, this is our investigation.
[they go towards Murphy’s office, Schmidt looks around]
[they enter Murphy’s office]
Schmidt: Watch the door.
Jenko: Oh, then, I’m good for just watching the fucking door.
[as Schmidt starts looking around the office Jenko gets a text message from Zook]
Schmidt: Got it!
[Schmidt finds Cynthia’s file and starts reading from it]
Schmidt: Patient suffers drug induced paranoia, thinks her life is in danger.
[at the same time Jenko gets distracted Zook’s text which reads]
“Where U @?”
“B there soon. Thing w my bro is taking forever.”
[just then the office door opens]
Jenko: Door! Door!
[Murphy enters his office]
[as Murphy enters his office he looks suspiciously at Schmidt and Jenko]
Dr. Murphy: I wasn’t told that I had a 9 a.m. session.
Schmidt: Yeah. No, we are 9 a.m., that’s us.
Jenko: And we are cured, thank you very much. You’re an amazing doctor.
[Jenko goes to leave]
Dr. Murphy: Please, you think you’re the first partners to come in here looking for help only try to run when you’re first faced with talking with me?
Jenko: How the fuck did you know we were partners?
Schmidt: He doesn’t know we’re partners.
Dr. Murphy: I suspect your partners.
[after Schmidt and Jenko are forced to sit and have a session with Murphy]
Dr. Murphy: A relationship is something that requires constant work.
Schmidt: Which is what I thought we were in high school.
Dr. Murphy: So you are high school sweethearts. I picked up on that early. Please, continue the dialogue.
Schmidt: Doc, I just feel like sometimes he’s not even trying anymore. Like this isn’t even worth saving.
Jenko: Oh, okay. Well sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the Yangs.
Schmidt: Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful Zook.
Jenko: Oh, go fuck yourself!
Schmidt: You go fuck yourself!
Dr. Murphy: Okay. Okay.
Schmidt: You’re so selfish!
Dr. Murphy: Alright, aright.
Jenko: Oh, my God.
Dr. Murphy: There’s a lot of fucking. Given all these strong feelings sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Why don’t you hold hands?
Jenko: I’m not doing that.
Dr. Murphy: Hm?
Schmidt: Do you see?
Dr. Murphy: Reach out your hand.
[Schmidt holds out his hand towards Jenko]
[Jenko shakes his head]
Dr. Murphy: He’s literally reaching out for you.
Schmidt: He won’t hold my hand.
Jenko: I’m not doing that.
Dr. Murphy: I kind of need you do it.
Schmidt: He won’t hold my hand.
Jenko: Oh, you fuck!
[reluctantly Jenko holds Schmidt’s hand and Jenko struggles to interlock their fingers]
Schmidt: You got to interlock it though.
Schmidt: If you don’t interlock it…
Dr. Murphy: Okay, you can stop.
Schmidt: I’m not hand holding.
Schmidt: Might as well be just be friends.
Schmidt: And not partners.
[Jenko now interlocks his hand with Schmidt]
Dr. Murphy: Nice, right?
[holding up their interlocked hands]
Jenko: Okay, you see this? This is strong. What I want to be able to have is this.
[he tries to untangles his fingers and hand from Schmidt’s who’s holding it tightly]
Jenko: Is this!
[he finally manages to free his hand from Schmidt’s]
Jenko: I want to be able to have that, that same thing, in like without actually having to do it.
Dr. Murphy: Are you embarrassed of your partner?
Jenko: No, not at all. Okay, and why the fuck are you guys ganging up on me? Gang up on him. Okay? Seriously.
Schmidt: Okay. Okay.
Jenko: He’s clingy, he literally gets terrified of being by himself.
Schmidt: Look, I know Zook’s your buddy and you don’t want him to be guilty, but he’s our guy.
Jenko: No, he’s actually not our guy, I would know.
Dr. Murphy: No, you know, we sometimes cling to things because they’re familiar and comfortable. I teach about a principle called “embedding.”
Schmidt: Look at the facts!
Dr. Murphy: As a matter of fact I…
Schmidt: Zook has the tattoo.
Dr. Murphy: Uh…
Schmidt: He knew Cynthia. I know the first time he met you you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot and he smiled at you, but you are completely blind to the fact…
[Schmidt suddenly realizes something and turns to Murphy]
Schmidt: What did you say “embedding” was?
Dr. Murphy: “Embedding?” Oh, “embedding” is our tendency to latch onto the first bit of information that we’re offered and overlooking or even ignoring contradictory information.
Jenko: It’s a fascinating principle…
Schmidt: Shut up, I’m thinking.
Schmidt: Do you think it’s possible that we embedded?
Jenko: What like when we were drunk or something we embedded each other?
Dr. Murphy: Okay, I’m going to write that you two…
Schmidt: Okay, you can leave the room. Just get the fuck out.
Jenko: Get the fuck out, you heard him.
Dr. Murphy: This took a turn.
Dr. Murphy: Okay.
[Murphy gets up and turns to leave]
Dr. Murphy: Yep. Good session.
[Murphy leaves the room]
Schmidt: The first time we saw the photo of Cynthia buying Why-Phy, Dickson said, “This guy’s the deal.” Everything we’ve done or thought has been based on that fact, but what if Dickson was wrong?
Jenko: And we’ve ignored all the other clues.
Schmidt: What if Cynthia wasn’t the buyer? What if Cynthia was the dealer?
[the duo are in Dickson’s office at the headquarters]
Jenko: Captain, we have something really really important to tell you about…
[he’s interrupted by Schmidt as he plays with the Velcro of his bulletproof vest]
[looking at Schmidt]
Jenko: Are you wearing Kevlar?
[Dickson, who’s holding a gun, looks coldly at Schmidt]
Captain Dickson: Now, gentlemen, we’re not going to sit here and pretend there’s not a big assed elephant in the room.
[he places his gun on his desk]
Jenko: What the fuck is going on?
[Captain turns his photo of Maya on his desk around to show Jenko]
Captain Dickson: This is what the fuck is going on.
[Jenko looks at Maya’s photo then at Schmidt for a moment before realizing what’s happened]
Jenko: Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
[Jenko starts laughing]
Jenko: Oh, shit! No! That is not happening right now!
[he turns and walks out of Dickson’s office]
[Jenko goes into the main area of headquarter and announces to everyone]
Jenko: Hey, y’all he’s fucking the Captain’s daughter! Yoh! Oh, my fuck!
Captain Dickson: Every time he say that shit, that’s another foot in your ass!
[Jenko returns outside Dickson’s office]
Jenko: Schmidt, you clearly…
[he slams against the glass walls of the office]
Jenko: Yoh, this is the best thing ever!
[he laughs and runs around the headquarters yelling]
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter!
Jenko: Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter! Schmidt fucked the Captain’s daughter!
[he enters Dickson’s office]
Jenko: Shit! Fuck!
[to Schmidt as he continues to laugh hard]
Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson’s daughter? Captain? What the fuck? You bragged to him to his face! To his actual face. Captain. Do you understand that this face…
[pointing to Dickson’s cold angry face]
Jenko: …right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko: You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh, my God! This is…
[Dickson picks his gun up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko, Jenko quietens down, sits and composes himself]
Jenko: It’s really not that funny.
Schmidt: I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State.
Captain Dickson: I think it’s bizarre that I haven’t cut your motherfucking nuts off.
Jenko: What if Captain gets to punch you in the face one time, really, really, really hard.
Captain Dickson: Nah, I got something way better than that.
[we see Dickson tasing Schmidt in the balls]
[back in Dickson’s office]
Captain Dickson: You think Cynthia was the dealer? How the fuck are we going to infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead?
Schmidt: We have to stop treating this like it’s exactly the same as last time.
Captain Dickson: And we got a bigger problem. No more money in the budget.
Jenko: What? I thought we had Cate Blanchett.
Captain Dickson: Cate Blanchett?
Jenko: Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget.
Schmidt: You mean carte blanche.
Jenko: That one.
Captain Dickson: Welcome back dumb-dumb. We did have carte blanche. Not no more. You got that expensive chasing in the beginning, that expensive equipment, this fucking office. This look like some shit Iron Man would have. Shit’s expensive! I got on eight hundred dollar shoes and you can’t even see the motherfuckers!So now you two motherfuckers are in a crosshairs. Warning: find the supplier or don’t cost the department no more.
[as they leave the headquarters building]
Schmidt: Look I apologized about the Zook thing. You were right, he’s not the dealer.
Jenko: Okay, great. You apologized. What’s that worth, man? Now we have no leads. What are we supposed to do now?
Schmidt: Police work.
[the duo they enter Cynthia’s room and start searching, as they search Jenko comes across a massive dildo and throws it at Schmidt]
Schmidt: Aah! Don’t throw a fucking dead person’s dildo at me. We’re at work now, okay?
[Jenko notices some books]
Jenko: They still check out books, right?
Schmidt: I didn’t think they’d know how to read.
[Jenko opens the book and they see a square hole has been cut in the middle of the book, they look at each other and say at the same time]
Jenko: Book place.
[looking at Jenko]
Jenko: The suppliers putting drugs inside the books in the library where literally no one goes anymore, man.
Schmidt: And the dealers check out the books. We’re going to catch the supplier.
[just then Jenko gets a call and gets his phone from his pocket]
Schmidt: Dude, do you realize…
Jenko: Wait, wait, wait, a second! It’s Zook. It’s Zook.
[Jenko answers his call]
Jenko: What’s up, dude?
Schmidt: Hey, dude, where are you? We’re warming up, the game is about to start.
Jenko: Alright, man. Um, look, I’m just going to, I’m coming. Alright, later.
[Jenko ends the call]
Schmidt: What are you doing? Don’t leave me hanging.
Jenko: I got to go and warm up or I’ll blow my cover. Okay? You can do this alone, I’ll be back in two hours. You got this.
[Jenko turns and starts running off]
[as Jenko goes off to join Zook and the team to play football, Schmidt goes to the library and hears some voices]
Library Goon: This is the place? You’d think that for somebody that wants to show us the operation, at least be on time.
[Jenko slowly peeks through a book shelf and sees Ghost and his goons]
The Ghost: Look at this crap, huh?
[whispering to himself]
Schmidt: Jesus. What’s he doing here?
The Ghost: I do miss the days when people did normal drugs.
[Jenko starts texting Jenko]
“Come to the library right now. I’m in the stacks. Ghost is here.”
The Ghost: What is this? Jelly beans? Crap.
[back to the football game with Jenko and Zook]
Football Game Announcer #1: McQuade crosses. It’s a trick play! These two are practically interchangeable. McQuade throws down the field at Haythe.
[Jenko throws the ball and watches as Zook catches it]
Football Game Announcer #1: And he hands out with a touch down!
Football Game Announcer #2: These two are peas in a pod, Bob. But instead of little green balls they are human football players.
[back to Schmidt texting Jenko again as he keeps an eye on Ghost and his goons]
“Hello??? R U ignoring me?”
[back at the football field Jenko and Zook take a seat on the bench for a break]
Football Game Announcer #2: Let’s hear it once again, MC State, for your dynamic duo!
[the crowd cheers, then Jenko hears his cell phone vibrating and looks at his phone reading Schmidt’s text message]
Jenko: Oh, shit! My brother needs me again.
Zook: You know, loyalty’s cool, I admire it. I know he’s your brother and everything, but you can’t allow yourself to be held down by a guy just because he won’t let go.
[Jenko looks as his phone as he gets another begging text from Schmidt]
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I’ve got to take care of this.
[Jenko stands and starts to leave]
The kid’s pretty rude to make us wait like this.
The Ghost: Can you shut it. What’s wrong with the classic drugs of the nineties? Heroin, you know?
[just then Jenko enters the library, still wearing his football gear, and goes over to where Schmidt is hiding out]
Jenko: Hey. Hey.
Schmidt: Woh! Shit.
Jenko: I can fucking hear you down the…
Schmidt: Ssh! Ghost is right there, okay? He’s about to meet up with the supplier.
[Ghost and his goons hear the noise Schmidt and Jenko are making; to his goon]
The Ghost: Hey, check that out.
[Ghost’s goon starts making his way to the back; to Jenko]
Schmidt: Ssh! I fucking told you to be quiet.
[suddenly Schmidt pushes Jenko down to his knees in front of him as the goon comes over to them]
Library Goon: What’s going on here?
Schmidt: Shit! Um, you’re interrupting a really stellar blow job. Oh! fuck, I just came so hard!
The Ghost: What the hell is going on?
Library Goon: It’s okay. It’s just a couple of faggots.
Jenko: Yoh, what the fuck did you say? Did you just call us faggots?
Library Goon: He said you were sucking his dick.
Jenko: It’s 2014, asshole. You can’t fucking use faggot. Gay’s okay, homosexual maybe and if you know the person you might be able to call them queer, if they have a great sense of humor, but I don’t.
Schmidt: I’m sorry, he took one Human Sexuality class and he thinks he’s Harvey Milk.
[turning to Schmidt]
Jenko: Oh, my God! Will you please just for once just back me up!
Schmidt: Why can’t you just use your head for once?
Jenko: Oh, you want me to use my head?
[suddenly Jenko turns and head butts the goon who collapses to the floor]
[Jenko takes off his football helmet as she faces Ghost and his goons]
Jenko: Oh, yeah! What’s up now, motherfuckers! You remember me? I’m your best nightmare, I’m your worst nightmare.
The Ghost: Oh, man. It’s my memory, it’s getting worse lately. Are you the police?
Jenko: Yeah, that’s right. And you motherfuckers are all under arrest.
[Schmidt appears and stands behind Jenko]
The Ghost: Where’s your gun?
The Ghost: Do you have guns?
Jenko: No. No, I don’t.
The Ghost: Because we have guns.
[the two goons standing behind Ghost point their guns at Jenko and Schmidt]
Jenko: Well, why don’t you put your guns down and let’s fight like men?
The Ghost: Because, we have guns.
[he gets his own gun out, suddenly Jenko throws his helmet at Ghost and his goons]
Jenko: Schmidt, run!
[to his goons]
The Ghost: Get them!
[they both start running]
[the duo get shot at by Ghost’s goons as they try to get away from them in the library]
The Ghost: Shoot them!
[the goons keep shooting at Schmidt and Jenko]
Schmidt: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
The Ghost: Shoot them!
[the duo make it out of the library and onto a balcony, Jenko looks down]
Jenko: Come on, this way it’s faster.
[Schmidt ignores him and heads towards the balcony stairs]
Jenko: No, just come this way! Schmidt! Schmidt! Aah!
[Schmidt’s stars running down the stairs, Jenko climbs over the balcony railing]
Jenko: Hurry up, okay?
[Jenko jumps down and grabs hold of the lower floor balcony railing and notices Schmidt running across towards the next set of stairs]
Jenko: Yoh, Schmidt, will you hurry up?
Schmidt: Stop yelling at me, you’re distracting me!
[Jenko jumps down the next level while Schmidt is still running down the stairs]
Jenko: Schmidt, come on!
Schmidt: I can’t jump down! I’m not like fucking Spider-Man.
Jenko: I’m going to get the car!
[Jenko turns and jumps over the railing]
Schmidt: The stairs are so much faster.
[as Schmidt finally runs down the last set of stair Jenko pulls up in helmet-shaped car]
Schmidt: That’s the car you got?
Jenko: I’m sorry it’s not a fucking Lambo! Shut up and get in!
[Jenko gets in]
Schmidt: Are they still chasing us?
Jenko: Yes, they’re chasing us!
[Jenko drives off]
[Ghost and his goons chase the duo in a hummer whilst their car is going slowing going across the campus]
Schmidt: Why did you do that when we were about to catch the supplier? What’s wrong with you?
Jenko: Look, if you don’t say something people will never stop discriminating!
[slamming onto the car dashboard]
Jenko: Will you please do something about how slow this thing’s going?
[Schmidt reaches down and pull something which causes the car to speed up and Jenko to lose control]
Jenko: Oh, shit!
Schmidt: Watch out, watch out!
[they just miss hitting the concrete MC State sign on the grass when Ghost’s hummer comes up behind them and smashes straight through it]
The Ghost: That thing’s like a little helmet machine.
[Ghost and his goons chase the duo all across the campus]
Schmidt: We can’t destroy anymore stuff! We can’t waste anymore of the department’s money! Watch out for that cash machine!
[Jenko narrowly misses hitting the cash machine but Ghost’s hummer crashes straight into it]
[as they come across a campus sign]
Jenko: Which way? Which way? Which way?!
Schmidt: Which ever way’s cheaper.
[Jenko swerves the helmet car to go towards the Meditation Sculpture Quadrangle instead of the parking lot]
Schmidt: Jenk, you went right?! You could have gone to the parking lot, but you went to sculpture garden? Do you know how expensive that’s going to be?!
[as Ghost’s hummer chases after them they crash into the sculpture causing a large amount of damage]
Jenko: It’s like they’re trying to hit them or something! I mean it looks cool, but I mean it’s just so wasteful.
Schmidt: They’re destroying everything! Captain is going to kill us! What are we going to do?
Jenko: Alright, we’re going to lose them in the robotics lab.
[Jenko turns the car towards the lab with Ghost’s hummer following them breaking through the glass window, we hear more thing breaking and being damaged as they leave the lab]
Schmidt: Oh, no! Oh, they broke everything!
Jenko: I know, they got some expensive stuff in there.
[Ghost and his goons start shooting at them]
Jenko: Oh, shit!
[to his goon as they follow Schmidt and Jenko in their helmet vehicle]
The Ghost: They’re going into the stadium!
[as they head towards the stadium]
Jenko: Listen, Schmidt, I got to tell you something. I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year, and Zook said I could room with him. You know, so I was thinking that I could do that maybe.
Schmidt: What?! You can’t be a cop and stay here and play football with Zook!
Jenko: No, look, I know, okay? It’s just since first time in meeting Zook, we’re the same.
Schmidt: Do you want out? If you want out just say it!
Jenko: No, I don’t want out! Okay? It’s just when I’m on the football field and I’m diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly! Alright? And when I’m with you, it just feels like you hold me down. I just wish you could fly with me.
[back at the stadium the football game comes to an end]
Football Game Announcer #1: Now the Statesman win, thirty-four, fourteen. And here are the fans onto the field.
[just then as Jenko drives them under the stadium, Ghost and his goons smash their car into the low ceiling, Jenko then drives them onto the stadium field]
[Ghost gets out of his hummer hugging his shoulder in pain]
The Ghost: Jesus Christ!
[as they are driving on the stadium field Jenko tries to stop their car using the brakes but they don’t work]
Jenko: Schmidt, the breaks are off!
Jenko: You got to jump! You got to jump, jump, jump!
[Schmidt and Jenko jump out of the vehicle which veers off heading towards the goal post]
MCS Coach: No!
[the vehicle then crashes and explodes into the goal post]
MCS Coach: Fuck!
[the crowd rushes onto the field; to Ghost]
Scarface: We got to go.
[Zook and the rest of the football players crowd around Jenko]
Zook: We did it, bro!
[the cops rush in to arrest Schmidt]
Cop: You’re under arrest, sir.
[Schmidt holds up his badge]
Schmidt: Hey, I’m an officer, alright? Just take me and I’ll explain later.
[the other cop goes to arrest Jenko]
Schmidt: No, no, no. Hey, he’s a student, he didn’t do anything.
[to Schmidt as he’s being taken away by the two cops]
Jenko: Woh, woh! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Schmidt: I, um, I decided for you. Just stick with football. I can’t give you the same feeling that these guys can. Maybe we’re only supposed to do this once.
[just then Zook and the rest of the football team grab Jenko to celebrate and Jenko watches with sadness as Schmidt is taken away by the cops]
[as Schmidt is being picked up by his parents to leave the campus]
Maya: Hey, Maya Angelou. Thanks for lying to me.
[Maya, looking coldly at Schmidt turns and leaves, Schmidt turns to his mother who embraces him in comfort, we then see Jenko moving into Zook’s room, the both put up posters of Lamborghini car on the wall, then turn to face each other]
Jenko, Zook: Lambro’s! Yeah!
[we then see Zook helping Jenko in the gym lift weights]
Jenko, Zook: Brad McQuade! Brad McQuade! Brad McQuade! Brad…!
[we see Schmidt back in his police uniform riding his bike alone in the rain doing park duty, later he’s sat alone in a restaurant when the waiter comes over to him]
Waiter: How are you doing tonight, sir?
Schmidt: Good, thanks.
Waiter: Were you waiting on anybody or are you dining alone?
Schmidt: Someone may swing by, but we can, we can order without them.
[Schmidt watchs the news on the TV which shows Hardy confirming an arrest has been made in regards to Why-Phy drug case]
Deputy Chief Hardy: We have identified and arrested one Dr. Carl Murphy, who was found with Why-Phy residue throughout his office…
Schmidt: That’s bullshit.
Deputy Chief Hardy: …and had a close personal relationship with the deceased. Exactly like a case we had recently at a high school. Exactly the same. The case is closed.
[we see Jenko watching the same news in his room with Zook]
Zook: You know like what you’re going to do after you’re out of here?
[we see Schmidt whilst on park duty at the lake throwing rocks into the water]
Boy at the Pond: You’re not supposed to throw rocks.
Boy at the Pond: You’re not supposed to throw rocks.
[suddenly Schmidt throws the rock in his hand at the kid, later at the precinct he notices the closed Why-Phy case file and takes it, then it’s back to the restaurant where he’s sat alone ordering his food]
Schmidt: And the lobster for one person. Enough for one person only.
[Schmidt then starts reading the Why-Phy case file]
[Schmidt goes to Hardy with the Why-Phy case file]
Schmidt: I found something in this Why-Phy case that caught my atten…
Deputy Chief Hardy: Get the fuck out of my office.
Schmidt: Sir, you don’t under…
Deputy Chief Hardy: We caught the guy!
[back to Jenko and Zook training together in the gym]
Jenko, Zook: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[later as Zook is working out Jenko is sat looking bored]
Jenko: Hey, you want to do anything else other than workout today?
Zook: Like what?
[we see Jenko has placed lobsters all over the floor in their room]
Jenko: Go on, you can do this. They’re just lobsters, dude. Come on! No, don’t be afraid.
[he picks one up and holds is close to Zook’s face who is clearly not enjoying this]
Jenko: It’s going to claw your face. It’s going to claw your face. It’s going to claw your face.
[Zook then puts the lobsters in a pan as Jenko holds the lids to the pot silently; later we see Schmidt and Jenko celebrating their birthdays, Schmidt is at the restaurant where the waiters clap for him as he blows out his 30th candle, Jenko is at a party with Zook looking sad]
Zook: It’s going to be like this, dude, for the rest of our lives.
[Schmidt and Jenko meet up in the park]
[they look at each other for a moment]
Schmidt: What are you doing here?
Jenko: I just came to see how you are.
Schmidt: I’m doing fucking great. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, so just having a great time with myself.
Jenko: Glad you’re having a good time with yourself.
Schmidt: I’m a solo artist now, like BeyoncÃ©. I used to have the other Destiny’s Children, but now I’m just a lone superstar.
Jenko: I’m happy for you.
Schmidt: I’m just a light skinned princess with a dream and an amazing voice.
Jenko: That’s great.
Schmidt: How are you?
Jenko: I’m pretty great. I just chill, and you know how chill Zook is.
Schmidt: Zook’s such a chilled guy.
Jenko: Just like ice.
Schmidt: It makes me so happy for you.
Jenko: So look, I just wanted to say that I was thinking about the case, and I was worried they got the wrong guy for you.
Schmidt: I don’t think he’s the guy either.
Schmidt: I looked into Ghost’s background and I saw that he pays tuition for a student at MC State.
Jenko: Do you think The Ghost could be the supplier’s dad?
Jenko: Okay, that’s a pretty good piece of information.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Jenko: Well, I heard Why-Phy’s coming back in a big way. Someone’s bringing a shit ton of that stuff down to Puerto Mexico for Spring Break. And if that happens, Why-Phy’s going viral. It’s going to be at every college in the country.
Schmidt: I think my information was stronger.
Jenko: Look, if you, if you want to, we could go down there.
Schmidt: Like together?
Jenko: We don’t have to put a label on it. Just like one time, one time thing, no big commitments or stress to each other. Just like one time for old time’s sake.
Schmidt: What about school, football and your wonderful new life?
Jenko: I have time off. I’m on Spring Break.
[the guys go to Puerto Mexico and get ready in their hotel room, Jenko puts some talc powder down his crotch]
Jenko: Cool tingling.
[Schmidt picks up a grenade]
Schmidt: Got room for one of these babies.
[he places the grenade down his crotch]
Jenko: A grenade. Why are you putting it there? It’s just unsanitary.
Schmidt: It feels right.
[as they get cleaned up in the bathroom Schmidt looks at Jenko as he moisturizes]
Schmidt: Missed a spot.
[Schmidt puts some moisturizer in his hand and then starts rubbing it onto Jenko’s neck]
Jenko: You know this is just a one time thing, right?
Schmidt: I know.
Jenko: So you’re not going to be weird about this?
[Schmidt shakes his head]
[they then look into the mirror and put on their sun glasses]
Schmidt, Jenko: Perfect.
[they look at each other]
Schmidt, Jenko: Spring Break, motherfucker.
[they both turn at the same time, walk towards the door and as they both try to go through the it together they get stuck]
Jenko: Did you not see I was going first?
Schmidt: Excuse you. Excuse you.
Jenko: Do you want to go first?
[the duo go to a big party on the beach and watch as Why-Phy is being sold everywhere, they find the person taking all the money is Mercedes and follow her to a club warehouse]
Schmidt: Upstairs. Upstairs. Let’s go.
[Mercedes is holding a meeting with the drug distributes where Ghost is also at]
Mercedes: Okay, so here’s the plan. We’re going to get all these kids at Spring Break hooked on Why-Phy. Then you’re going to bring it back to your turf and you’re going to sell the shit out of it.
[she points to a board where the instructions are listed]
Mercedes: “Sell shit out of it.” Do you see that? And if you rat me out, I framed my Psych Prof. just for giving me a B minus. He’s in jail now, so don’t fuck with me.
[Schmidt and Jenko sneak in the back to listen]
Mercedes: We’re going to build a nationwide network.
[whispering to Schmidt]
Jenko: Dude, be quiet.
The Ghost: Why don’t you sell those old classic drugs from the nineties, like cocaine, heroin and, uh…
Mercedes: Dad, those are like old people drugs. Just like what they did on The Golden Girls. Like Blanche did heroin.
The Ghost: Alright, I’ll just sit here and be silent.
Jenko: Blanche never did heroin.
Mercedes: Okay, Yangs, you’ll take my dead roommates spot.
Keith Yang: Cool.
Kenny Yang: Cool.
Mercedes: Are you kidding me, Yangs? Are you fucking high?
Keith Yang: Of course.
Keith & Kenny Yang: Yeah, Man.
Mercedes: Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of “don’t get high on your own supply?”
Keith Yang: We didn’t.
Kenny Yang: No.
Keith Yang: I didn’t do that.
Kenny Yang: Yeah, I used his and he used mine.
Mercedes: Okay, well now I have to make a fucking example out of you.
[she takes out a gun and points it at the Yangs]
Kenny Yang: That’s a gun.
Keith Yang: Yeah.
Mercedes: Who first?
[pointing to each other]
Keith Yang: Dude, you want to go first?
Kenny Yang: I don’t want to die. You die.
Keith Yang: No, I don’t want to die. You want to do rock-paper-scissors?
Kenny Yang: We could play rock-paper-scissors.
Keith Yang: Let’s do rock-paper-scissors.
Kenny Yang: That’s how we do this. Alright.
[they start playing, and both bring up rock]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Fuck.
[they play again and both bring up paper]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Fuck.
[they play again and both bring up scissors]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Fuck.
[they look at Mercedes]
Keith Yang: We won’t figure this out.
Mercedes: I’ll shoot both of you.
The Ghost: Darling, if you’re going into the family business, you will have to have a clean record. That’s why we have these guys to do it for us.
[one of his goons steps forward, takes out his gun and points it at the Yangs]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Oh, fuck.
[to each other]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Jinx.
[to Jenko as they watch all this from their hiding place]
Schmidt: We got to move right now.
[to each other]
Keith & Kenny Yang: Want to play a cool game? Jinx again.
[just then Schmidt and Jenko come out of hiding and bust in on them]
Schmidt: Put your guns down!
Jenko: Fucking put your guns down!
Schmidt: My name’s not Doug. Schmidt. And guess what? Cops.
[puts up her hands in mock fear]
Mercedes: Oh, my God.
Mercedes: Yeah, everybody knows.
Mercedes: You guys look like the stars of a cop show called “Hawaiian Dads.”
The Ghost: Alright, enough is enough! Boys, move in!
Mercedes: Oh, do we have company?
The Ghost: Yeah!
[more of Ghosts goons appear pointing guns at Schmidt and Jenko]
Mercedes: Drop your guns.
Jenko: Drop yours first.
Mercedes: We have way more guns than you, drop your fucking guns.
Jenko: That’s a good point.
[Schmidt and Jenko drop their guns to the floor]
Mercedes: Wow. I mean was this really your entire plan? Coming in here with no backup?
Schmidt: Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan.
Schmidt: Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now.
Jenko: May, what? You have the fucking tracking device, I don’t have it.
Schmidt: That’s the one motherfucking thing you were supposed to remember.
Jenko: You’re the smart person, you get the track device shit, that’s your domain. I get the physical shit.
Schmidt: You know what? I may drag you down sometimes, but every possible time you can do something dumb, you do the dumbest possible thing.
Jenko: No, the fucking dumbest possible thing is letting two cops blah blah blah while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in.
Schmidt: Oh, so you mean I brought the tracking device?
[Schmidt takes out the tracking device from his pocket and holds it up]
Jenko: Yeah. What’s up now, huh?
Keith Yang: That seemed like such a real argument.
Jenko: That’s improv, bitch.
[Dickson busts and joins Schmidt and Jenko, all pointing their guns]
Captain Dickson: Spring Break yourself, fool.
[then the rest of the Jump Street devision bust in pointing their weapons]
Jr. Jr.: We shoot dicks off in Jump Street.
Delroy: We’re here, as well.
Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we’re about to jump in your ass.
Schmidt: Right in the crack.
[one of the goons goes to shoot]
Captain Dickson: Don’t do it, leatherface!
[Dickson and his team start shooting at the goons, Ghost grabs Mercedes’ bag with the drugs and makes run for it]
Captain Dickson: He’s got the drugs!
[Dickson goes after Ghost]
Mercedes: This is so boring, no one’s getting shot.
[just then one of the goons get shot and falls beside her]
Mercedes: Oh, my God. Did you just get shot? Like right up by my fucking side?
[she starts laughing]
Mercedes: Can I have your gun? It’s bigger.
[Dickson runs through the club after Ghost]
Captain Dickson: Stop! I’m going to shoot you down!
[just then Maya appears]
Captain Dickson: Maya?!
[Dickson sees Ghost running out of the club, he then turns to Maya]
Captain Dickson: What are you doing here? This is a shoot out! You know what happens in a shoot out! They always kidnap the girl!
[suddenly Mercedes appears from behind with her gun pointed Dickson’s neck]
Mercedes: Not always.
Mercedes: You’re coming with me.
Captain Dickson: Bitch, please. I ain’t going no where with you.
[suddenly Mercedes shoots Dickson’s foot]
Maya: Dad, what do I do?
Mercedes: Is that my bathing suit?
[she shoots at the ceiling]
Mercedes: Just ask, it’s polite.
[Mercedes takes Dickson out of the club]
Captain Dickson: You shot me in my foot!
Mercedes: Move. Move. Faster, now!
Captain Dickson: I’m taking my time. Shit, you shot me in my Goddamn foot.
[Dickson starts limping off with Mercedes behind him pointing her gun at him]
[back in the club Maya notices Schmidt]
Maya: Doug? Doug!
Maya: Mercedes just took my dad that way!
Schmidt: Okay, we’re on it.
[Schmidt and Jenko rush out of the club to follow Mercedes and Dickson, just then a car goes passed them and they hear Dickson shout]
Captain Dickson: If I die I’m going to kill both of you, motherfuckers!
Jenko: Fuck, how are we going to catch them?
[they look behind them and notice a yellow Lamborghini]
[they rush over to the Lamborghini and Jenko holds out his badge to the car owner]
Jenko: Policia! Policia!
Lamborghini Owner: Fuck off!
[Jenko punches the owner in the face and knocks him out]
Schmidt: Shit, there’s Ghost!
Jenko: What? What do we do?
Schmidt: Uh, we need to split up.
Jenko: Are you okay with that?
Schmidt: Yeah, I can do it.
Jenko: Are you sure?
Schmidt: I need to drive, because you’re faster on foot.
Jenko: What? I won’t get to drive the Lambo?
Schmidt: No, you don’t. Let’s go, come on!
Jenko: But I want…
Schmidt: Who gives a shit about the Lambo? Just go!
[Schmidt goes to grab the keys from Jenko who won’t let go]
Schmidt: Let go of the fucking keys!
I can’t let them go. You’re going to have to take them.
[Jenko finally gives Schmidt they keys]
Jenko: Take care of her, okay? It will be glorious, I promise.
[Jenko turns to go after Ghost and Schmidt goes to get into the Lamborghini]
Schmidt: How do you drive this thing?
Jenko: You got to let her drive you, bro.
[Schmidt tries to open the car door]
Schmidt: I can’t get in.
[as Jenko goes after Ghost on foot, Schmidt gets into the Lamborghini and tries to drive it]
Schmidt: It’s so confusing!
[then we see Mercedes driving off with Dickson as her hostage with his hands cuffed to the car handle]
Captain Dickson: Easy, bitch. My hands are hurting.
[Schmidt awkwardly drives the Lambo as he chases after Mercedes]
Captain Dickson: Do you know who’s behind us in that car? That’s one of the best drivers that we got…
[Dickson looks behind him and notices it’s Schmidt driving and looking very confused]
Captain Dickson: Fuck!
Schmidt: Oh, shit.
[as he continues to awkwardly drive in the Lambo]
Schmidt: Fucking complicated! What is this?
[he puts his foot down on the accelerator and the car takes off really fast]
Schmidt: Holy shit!
[as he’s running after Ghost]
Jenko: You fucked up me driving the Lamborghini, you dick!
[he runs through some pigeons]
Jenko: Ah! Fuck you, Ghost!
[back to Schmidt in the Lambo]
Schmidt: It’s like the Batmobile.
[as he watches Schmidt chase after them]
Captain Dickson: Come on, Schmidt!
[back to Ghost running into a large crowd of kids partying]
The Ghost: Old man coming through!
[Jenko chases after him through the crowd]
Jenko: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!
[Zook who’s in the party crowd notices Jenko]
[Jenko stops, looks up and sees a helicopter going to the hotel roof]
Jenko: I really got to go! I got to go!
[he rushes off]
[Mercedes pulls over at hotel; to Mercedes]
Captain Dickson: This is far enough. You need to let this go and drop all this.
[Schmidt continues to chase after them towards the hotel]
Schmidt: Get out of the way!
[as he drives into the hotel lobby really fast and is unable to stop]
Schmidt: Going too fast!
[the Lambo suddenly spins, swerves and comes to a stop in the hotel lobby]
Schmidt: That was way too fast, and pretty furiou…wait, a little bit too furious.
Captain Dickson: Schmidt! Get over here and unhandcuff…
[just then Mercedes shoots into the crowd from the above balcony]
Mercedes: Give it up, asshole! And nice parking job!
[she runs off]
Captain Dickson: Fuck!
Schmidt: I’ll be right back! I got to go! I’ll be right back! Sorry!
[Schmidt rushes off to chase after Mercedes]
Captain Dickson: That’s a direct order, motherfucker! Come over here!
[as Schmidt runs down the hotel hallway suddenly Mercedes smacks into Schmidt and starts fighting with him]
Mercedes: Get your wrinkly hands off me!
[she punches Schmidt hard in the face; back to Ghost who finds his goons as Jenko catches up with him]
The Ghost: Where the hell have you been?
[Jenko punches Ghost in the face]
The Ghost: You want to fight like a man? Then you better fight like two men!
[two of his goons, who are twins step forward]
Jenko: Really? Twins!
[back to Mercedes who pushes Schmidt into a room]
Mercedes: Get up, Old Man River! Come on!
[Schmidt gets up and holds up his hand]
Mercedes: Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy!
Schmidt: I’m not going to fight a girl, so just stop!
Mercedes: It shouldn’t matter. If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman, you’d hit me and not feel bad about it!
[she punches him hard in the face]
Mercedes: Bring it! Come on.
Schmidt: It’s on now, dog. Girl fight.
[Schmidt punches Mercedes hard in the face she yells out in pain making Schmidt feel bad]
Schmidt: Oh, my God.
Mercedes: Is there blood in my eye? I think there’s blood in my eye…
Schmidt: God, are you alright?
[suddenly Mercedes punches him hard in the face again]
Mercedes: Fucking learn how to hit!
[Schmidt then punches her hard in the face]
Mercedes: That’s a little better! That’s a little better!
[she punches Schmidt in the face again then grabs him, leans in as if trying to kiss him]
[Schmidt pushes her away]
Mercedes: What were you doing?
Schmidt: What am I doing?
Mercedes: Why did you try to kiss me?
Schmidt: I didn’t fucking try and kiss you!
Mercedes: Yes, you did!
Schmidt: You are so weird!
Mercedes: You’re fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smithing me!
Schmidt: I’m not Mr. and Mrs. Smithing you! This wasn’t a sexy fight!
Mercedes: Oh, like you haven’t wanted to kiss me the whole time!
Schmidt: I never once wanted to kiss you!
[she takes a step towards him]
Schmidt: Never! No!
Mercedes: You just did it again!
Mercedes: Stop it!
Schmidt: You’re making a face! That sexy face!
Mercedes: I don’t want to kiss you!
Schmidt: Well then stop trying!
Mercedes: You keep trying!
Schmidt: I’ve never tried to kiss you!
Mercedes: You gave me “kiss me eyes!”
Schmidt: No, I didn’t! My eyes were eyes that are “I got a punch in the face eyes”, they weren’t “kiss me eyes.”
Mercedes: I don’t even like you!
Schmidt: Neither do I, so stop kissing me!
[Mercedes starts to lean towards him again]
Schmidt: Woh! You’re leaning in again!
Mercedes: I didn’t know if we were going to punch or kiss!
Schmidt: You’re making it so uncomfortable! This is the most uncomfortable fist fight I’ve ever been in. I’m going to give you an out by punching you in the face, okay?
Schmidt: And then we’re going to go down fighting and we’ll pretend this never happened, because I feel so awkward.
[Schmidt punches her hard in the face]
[back to Jenko who manages to fight off the twin goons on the beach using a stoned girl as a weapon then a drunk student vomits in his face]
Jenko: Fucking hate Spring Break!
[Jenko head butts the drunk kid; back to Mercedes and Schmidt who are back to punching each other]
[Mercedes breaks a bottle over his head]
[Schmidt takes a bottle and hits Mercedes with it but the bottle doesn’t break, so he starts to repeatedly hit her over the head with the bottle to try and break it]
Mercedes: Are you kidding me? It’s plastic, it doesn’t even hurt.
[she pushes him the ground]
Mercedes: Isn’t this the Spring Break you imagined?
[she picks up a bottle of lube]
Mercedes: How about this? You want a little fun?
[she sprays the lube into Schmidt’s face]
Schmidt: What is that?
Mercedes: Oh, what? Baby?
Schmidt: Stop putting lube in my face!
[he smacks Mercedes in the head which hits the side table and Schmidt gets up]
[Schmidt tries to leave the room wiping the lube from his face]
Schmidt: Lube in my face!
[suddenly Mercedes attacks him from behind and he pushes her on to the bed]
Schmidt: You’re just so violent!
[he tries to push her down as she goes to attack him again]
Mercedes: Get off me, unless you’re going to fuck me!
Schmidt: I’m not going to fuck you!
Mercedes: Are we going to fuck?
Schmidt: No, we’re not!
Mercedes: Is that what’s happening?
Schmidt: No, I’m not going to fuck you!
[suddenly she shoves him off her and makes a run for it picking up her gun along the way, Schmidt chases after her]
Schmidt: Hey! Hey!
[Mercedes suddenly stops, turns and points her gun at Schmidt]
Mercedes: What? What are you going to do? Choke me with your liver-spotted hands? You’re going to push me over with your walker? I’m impressed you caught up to me. You probably haven’t ran that fast since you played stickball in the field behind old Pop Wiggledy’s sweet shop.
[Dickson suddenly appears behind Schmidt pointing his gun at Mercedes]
Captain Dickson: Freeze, bitch!
Schmidt: Oh, thank God.
Captain Dickson: Look who got off the motherfucking leash?
[Mercedes takes Schmidt and holds him at gunpoint]
Captain Dickson: Now who’s the damsel in distress?
Mercedes: Well, I guess it’s him.
Captain Dickson: I don’t have a clean shot, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Then don’t take the shot!
Captain Dickson: Maybe I want to take the dirty shot, kind of like the dirty shot you took on my daughter.
Schmidt: I didn’t take a dirty shot on your daughter, okay? We talked a lot and we care about each other. All the good qualities you have, I could feel inside Maya.
Captain Dickson: I’m going to take the shot!
Schmidt: Don’t take the shot!
Captain Dickson: I can shoot right through your shoulder, hit the bitch right in the chest.
Schmidt: No, don’t take the shot.
Captain Dickson: I’m taking the shot.
Mercedes: I’ll take the fucking shot.
Captain Dickson: Nobody takes the shot before me.
Mercedes: How about we take it at the same time?
Schmidt: No one take a shot.
Captain Dickson: Wait, wait, wait! Now, Maya!
[suddenly Maya appears and whacks Mercedes over the head with a metal fish]
[Schmidt starts handcuffing Mercedes]
Schmidt: You have the right to remain silent…!
Captain Dickson: No, no, no. I got this. You go handle The Ghost, he’s on roof.
Schmidt: I’m on it.
[Schmidt takes off, Maya picks up Mercedes gun]
Maya: I got it.
[Maya finishes handcuffing Mercedes]
Captain Dickson: What are you looking at?
Captain Dickson: Good job in the cuffs there, girl.
[Maya smiles at him]
[Schmidt and Jenko run up the stairs to the hotel roof at the same time with Schmidt struggling and becoming out of breath]
Schmidt: So many fucking stairs.
[as they reach the top they suddenly face each other pointing their guns]
Schmidt: It’s me! It’s me!
Jenko: Shit. You made it, dude. Did you get Mercedes?
Schmidt: Yeah, all my myself.
Schmidt: Mainly by myself.
Schmidt: And, dude, you were right. That Lambo was…
Jenko: I just can’t hear that right now.
Schmidt: Is a shitty made car, it’s not good.
Jenko: Alright, let’s go. We got to go. How many bullets you got left?
Jenko: I’ll take him out, you put bullets in.
[they turn to go to the roof]
[Schmidt and Jenko find Ghost and his goon standing by the helicopter waiting to take them off]
Scarface: We got to go!
The Ghost: We have to wait for Pudding!
[as they head towards Ghost Schmidt notices a goon near them pointing his gun at them, so he jumps trying to take the bullet for Jenko]
[Schmidt lands on the ground before the goon takes the shot and as he does the bullet hits Jenko in the arm but Jenko manages to shoot down the goon]
Scarface: Go! Go!
[Ghost gets into the helicopter; back to Schmidt and Jenko]
Jenko: Here take this.
[he give his gun to Schmidt]
Schmidt: Okay. I tried to take a bullet for you, man.
Jenko: I know, but you didn’t.
Schmidt: But I tried, it’s the thought that matters.
Jenko: No, it’s not the thought that counts. It is fucking taking the bullet.
[Ghost’s goons starts shooting at them]
Jenko: Cover me, I’m going to go in alone.
[as Schmidt starts shooting at he goon, Jenko rushes off and manages to knock down the goon before going after Ghost, but he’s tool late and Ghost starts taking off in the helicopter]
The Ghost: Bye, bye, Terminator!
[Jenko suddenly jumps and grabs onto the helicopter]
The Ghost: Hey, get off of my chopper!
[to his pilot]
The Ghost: Can you shake him off?
Jenko: I’m coming for you, motherfucker!
[to his pilot]
The Ghost: Come on, just lower this thing down. He’s holding on one arm!
Jenko: I have to keep one arm to punch you in the dick!
The Ghost: Shake him off! Make him jump! Don’t be a pussy!
[Schmidt then runs and manages to successfully jump onto the helicopter next to Jenko]
Jenko: Oh! Holy shit!
Schmidt: I did it! That was so fucking badass!
Jenko: Oh, my God!
Schmidt: That was crazy!
Jenko: Why did you leap, man? Why did you do that?
Schmidt: Because you did it! I couldn’t leave you hanging, man!
Jenko: What are you talking about? I was fine, I had it…
[suddenly Jenko’s hand slips and he starts to fall but Schmidt catches him, holding onto him with one arm]
Schmidt: I got you!
Jenko: Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt: I got you!
Jenko: You saved my life! I just realized something! You don’t hold me down, man! You lift me up!
Schmidt: Literally and figuratively!
Jenko: Yeah, I know! I meant both!
Schmidt: You don’t drag me down either! I mean, except right now, you’re dragging me down, you’re heavy! Hey, listen, there’s a grenade in my shorts. Can you reach it? You got to go in from underneath!
Jenko: Oh, shit!
[Jenko shoves his hand under Schmidt’s shorts and tries to find the grenade]
Jenko: Is that it?
Schmidt: That’s my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That’s my dick also!
Jenko: Why is it hard?
Schmidt: Because you’re tickling it right now!
[he starts to laugh]
Schmidt: Stop it! It’s tickling me!
Jenko: I can’t find it!
Schmidt: That’s it! Grab it!
[Jenko grabs the grenade and put the chord in his mouth]
Schmidt: Oh, shit!
Jenko: I know, I got it in my mouth!
[he pulls the grenade chord with his mouth]
Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!
Jenko: One, two, three!
[they slip and fall from the helicopter, but Jenko manages to throw the grenade into the helicopter]
Jenko: Something cool!
[they both land in the sea, Ghost sees them from inside the helicopter]
The Ghost: They’re gone! Oh, I feel so alive…!
[suddenly the helicopter explodes and drops into the sea]
[the duo are applauded by the crowd at the beach, including Rooster and Zook as they get out of the water]
Jenko: We did it!
[Jenko slaps Schmidt’s hand but winces in pain due to the bullet wound in his arm]
Schmidt: Holy shit! Sorry!
Jenko: Dude, I missed you so much, man.
Schmidt: I missed you too. You were like a tiny little flower seed, and I was, I was clutching you in my fist. But flower can’t grow in a fist.
Schmidt: The little seedlings, they fly away free and find its soil.
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I tried to soil myself and, dude, I didn’t like it. I wanted a relationship without friction. Dude, you need friction to create fire, and that’s what we have, we have fire. Dude, I’m in. I’m all in.
Schmidt: Thank God.
Jenko: This is what I’ve always wanted. Just me and you, buddy. I love you.
[Jenko and Schmidt embrace]
Schmidt: I love you too. I love you, man.
[the crowd applauds them, which includes Zook and Rooster]
Zook: You know what? That’s who we should be with. Yeah.
Schmidt: Hey, what did you say when you threw that grenade up there?
Jenko: Yeah, I said “something cool.”
Schmidt: What did you say?
Jenko: I said “something cool.”
Schmidt: Well, then what did you say?
Jenko: Yeah, I know. I said “something cool.”
[they sit on a police car on the beach]
Jenko: I didn’t expect Spring Break to be this stinky.
Schmidt: It’s pretty gross.
Jenko: I think we’re getting too old for this shit.
Schmidt: We started off too old for this shit.
Jenko: You’re right about that.
Schmidt: Dude, we’re even about that arm thing, okay? Right?
Schmidt: What? What do you want to do?
[next shot shows Jenko standing opposite Schmidt pointing his gun at him]
Schmidt: Look, alright. Just get it over with.
Jenko: Don’t move. One…
Schmidt: Just graze my arm, I don’t want you to hit the bone.
Jenko: Two, three!
[last lines; as Jenko shoots, Schmidt quickly moves to the side, the bullet bounces off and hits Jenko in the arm]
Schmidt: Oh, my God! Are you alright?
Jenko: Shit! Why am I always getting hurt in my arms?
[just then Dickson turns up]
Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing?
Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around.
Jenko: Hey, Captain.
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to unfuckup the situation you originally fucked up.
Captain Dickson: I wish you could unfuck my daughter, but I’m going to let that be the past. Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches are going to medical school!
[we see Jenko wheeling Schmidt out of a hospital dressed as a doctor whilst they are getting shot at, then a movie poster promoting 23 Jump Street: Medical School is shown, this carries into the credits, as Dickson keeps assigning them to new schools]
Captain Dickson: Next time, foreign exchange students.
Captain Dickson: In Russia.
[we see Schmidt and Jenko in Russia dressed in traditional Russian clothing pointing their guns]
Jenko: Vodka soda.
[a movie poster promoting 24 Jump Street: Foreign Exchange Students is shown]
Captain Dickson: Next assignment, a semester at sea!
[movie poster for 25 Jump Street: A Semester at Sea is shown, then we see Schmidt dressed in punk clothing and make up after which a movie poster for 26 Jump Street: Art School is shown]
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to culinary school.
[we see Schmidt and Jenko dressed in chef clothing]
Schmidt: There’s a microchip in this empanada.
[the villainous chef appears pointing a gun at them]
Culinary School Villain: Old family recipe, that’s the key to deceit.
[suddenly Jenko grabs a knife, throws it at the villain stabbing him in the chest]
Culinary School Villain: Oh, shit!
[we see movie poster for 27 Jump Street: Culinary School, then a poster for 28 Jump Street: Veterinary School]
Captain Dickson: New assignment.
Jenko: Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?
[we see Seth Rogen sat next to Jenko taking on the role of Schmidt]
Captain Dickson: No, that’s Schmidt. I don’t know what you’re talking about, man. He looks exactly the same to me.
Morton Schmidt: I got new glasses?
Captain Dickson: Yeah, man. He just got some new glasses, man. Goddamn.
[whispering to Jenko]
Morton Schmidt: No one’s going to fucking notice.
[we see new Schmidt and Jenko getting out of a car dressed as priests]
Jenko: Let’s do this, Schmidt.
Morton Schmidt: Yeah. Just like we always do, Jenkins.
[whispering to the new Schmidt]
Jenko: Schmidt, it’s Jenko.
Morton Schmidt: Sorry.
[we see poster for 29 Jump Street: Sunday School]
[we see the original Schmidt back sat next to Jenko for their next assignment]
Jenko: Really glad you’re back, Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I’ve been here the whole time.
Captain Dickson: Man, shut the fuck up. How about a flight academy?
[we see Schmidt and Jenko in flight academy with a cameo from Anna Faris, poster promotes 30 Jump Street: Flight Academy]
Anna: Undercover just got a whole lot sexier.
[next poster shows 31 Jump Street: Ninja Academy, then poster for 32 Jump Street: Fireman School, after which we see a cameo from Richard Grieco as Booker]
Booker: You’re Jump Street, right?
Jenko: Yeah, how the fuck do you know that?
Booker: I’m Booker.
Jenko: Holy shit.
[they shake hands]
Jenko: Man, you’re a legend.
[we see poster promoting 33 Jump Street: Generations; next we see Ghost getting out of the sea having survived the helicopter explosion and then poster promoting 34 Jump Street: Return of The Ghost]
[as the credits roll Dickson continues to send the duo to new assignments]
Captain Dickson: Traffic school!
[we see poster promoting 35 Jump Street: Traffic School]
Captain Dickson: Military school.
[we see poster promoting 36 Jump Street: Military School]
Captain Dickson: Scuba class.
[we see poster promoting 37 Jump Street: Scuba Class]
Captain Dickson: Dance academy.
Schmidt: Yes! Finally something I’m amazing at.
[we see poster promoting 38 Jump Street: Dance Academy and then spawning into video games]
Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches is going to be in a video game.
[their video game characters are running and shooting at the bad guys]
Schmidt: [voice] Let’s blow shit up.
Jenko: [voice] Jump street style.
[then it’s Jump Street: Action Figures]
Captain Dickson: [voice] Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.
Schmidt: [voice] It’s inking in my mouth!
Captain Dickson: [voice] Don’t fuck my daughter.
[we see Jump Street merchandise, Jump Street: The Animated Series, 39 Jump Street: The Electronic Game]
[last lines; during credits]
Captain Dickson: Alright, new assignment.
[we see a much older looking Schmidt and Jenko]
Jenko: Six hours of makeup.
Schmidt: We’re getting too old for this shit.
[we see poster for 40 Jump Street: Retirement Home, then 41 Jump Street: Magic School, 42 Jump Street: Beauty School, 43 Jump Street: Mariachi School and finally 2121 Jump Street,; we then see Schmidt and Jenko in a car chase and throwing a grenade at a helicopter]
Schmidt, Jenko: Something cool!
[the movie ends with the helicopter exploding]
[post-credits scene; Walters and Eric are lying in bed in their prison cell]
Mr. Walters: Eric. Eric, are you awake?
[Eric’s eyes are open staring ahead, looking depressed]
Eric Molson: No.
Mr. Walters: I’m late.
[Eric’s mouth starts to tremble as if he’s about to cry]
Total Quotes: 162