Starring: Sebastian Maniscalco, Robert De Niro, Leslie Bibb, Kim Cattrall, Anders Holm, David Rasche, Brett Dier
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Story:
Comedy directed by Laura Terruso. About My Father (2023) centers on Sebastian (Sebastian Maniscalco) who is encouraged by his fiancée, Ellie (Leslie Bibb), to bring his immigrant, hairdresser father, Salvo (Robert De Niro), to a weekend get-together with her super-rich and exceedingly eccentric family, Tigger, Lucky, Doug, and Bill (Kim Cattrall, Anders Holm, Brett Dier, and David Rasche). The gathering soon develops into a culture clash, allowing Sebastian and Salvo to discover the true meaning of family.
Best Quotes
Sebastian: My name is Sebastian. And, yeah, that’s me. When my mother used to dress me for pre-school, like I was going to Studio 54.
Sebastian: A lot of folks like to call Sicily the big ball in front of the boot of Italy, which makes sense because the world’s been trying to kick our a** since the dawn of time.
Sebastian: For generations, my people have been threatened by wars, volcanoes, and testicle-crushing Speedos. But we survived it all through one unstoppable force. Family.
Sebastian: These are actual photos of my Sicilian ancestors. Note the signature Maniscalco look. With the curved spines and the resting b**ch face, like a bunch of pi**ed-off candy canes. Over the past few centuries, these proud hunchback men have operated with one goal. Do everything you can, to give your kids a better life than the one you had.
Sebastian: For my father, this meant leaving his beloved Sicily for Chicago. So he and my mother could give me opportunities they never got. Like shoveling snow. Growing a beautiful mullet. And going to the prom looking like a pit boss.
Sebastian: Growing up, my father busted his hump to instill in me certain rules of how a man should operate. Like, if you’re awake, you should be working.
Salvo: [to young Sebastian] You wanted me to buy you a skateboard, I built you one instead. Next year, I’m going to build you one of those Nintendos.
Sebastian: Never cheap out on your signature scent. At bedtime, our house smelled like an Uber in Las Vegas.
Ellie: Used to be, “If I propose.” You just said, “When I propose.”
Sebastian: Okay, babe, it’s just I’m aggravated. Words are just flying out of my mouth.
Ellie: Well, just so you know, the only way I will say yes, is if there is some element of public humiliation involved.
'They want to take a break from thinking about money. Where I come from, that's called dying.' - Salvo (About My Father) Share on X
Sebastian: I thought this trip was for family only.
Ellie: I know! I mean, I’m so torn between thinking this is great news, or that I might be dragging you into an Italian version of Get Out.
Sebastian: So, yeah, I’m a big crier. I love to just marinate in my own tears.
Sebastian: [referring to Ellie’s family] These people got class up the a**. I mean, look at these people with their perfect postures, and their perfect teeth. Even their dog went to better schools than I did.
Sebastian: So while my father came to chase the American dream, the Collins were the American dream, all the way up to Ellie’s dad. William Love Collins XII. Only Italian guys I knew with Roman numerals after their names are popes, and Rocky Balboa.
Salvo: [referring to Ellie] I got to tell you. I’m not sure about her. She put her feet up on my coffee table, I don’t know.
Sebastian: You put your feet up on your coffee table.
Salvo: Yeah, my coffee table, my feet.
'You don't just make major decisions based on instincts.' - Tigger (About My Father) Share on X
Sebastian: When I was a kid, I thought everything my dad did was normal. If some string beans went missing, I’d wake up to a yard full of poisoned squirrels, birds, chipmunks, basically anything that ever helped Cinderella get dressed, murdered in our backyard.
Salvo: [to Sebastian, referring to Ellie’s family] You got no respect for your roots. I mean, what are you talking about? You don’t eat the fruit till you make sure the tree ain’t sick. And per tradition, I need to look at the mother and the father’s eyes. I need to look them in the eyes to make sure there’s no rot. Because there could be rot. Not that there is, but there could be.
Sebastian: Come on, they’re classy people.
Salvo: Oh, yeah. The fancier, the dirtier. You never know what’s going on.
Salvo: Hold on. This is the first summer since we had to say goodbye to your poor dear mother, and you’re going to leave me alone for the goddamn Fourth of July?
Sebastian: Well, it’s just that, you know, her family invited me to their summer house.
Salvo: Oh, their summer home? Oh, most people got one home, but they got them for different seasons. Oh, that’s nice.
'Family isn't just one important thing, it's everything.' - Salvo (About My Father) Share on X
Sebastian: Come on, Dad. So they got more money than us. Who doesn’t? Plus, it’s just for one weekend.
Salvo: Oh, one weekend, he says. One weekend. Fifty years ago, I come to this country to give you a better life. Fifty years ago, I skip every weekend in Sicily for you. I joined the US Army to protect your freedoms. And what thanks do I get? You got celebrate the Fourth of July with some other family. Leaving me to burn the sparklers and eat the hot dogs alone! Alone! Thank you!
Salvo: Of course, I’m coming. What are we going to do instead? Spend the whole weekend alone, just the two of us in the house, burning the sparklers, and eating the hotdogs? Yeah, I’m coming.
Sebastian: That’s the same example you used to guilt trip me into not going.
Salvo: Well, what can I say. I got a way with words. You know me.
Sebastian: [to Salvo] Just remember the main goal is for you to meet the family, so I can get the ring and propose to Ellie. It’s not for you to price check their antique coffee tables.
Salvo: He’s worried his immigrant father’s going to make him look like some kind of goombah. Let me tell you something. You don’t remember this because I’m your dad, but a lot of people find me charming, pretty charming. That’s right. Right. Right, ladies? And these stuck-up rich people? They got a word for me.
Sebastian: I remember, it’s loud, it’s obnoxious, it’s over-cologned.
Salvo: No. No. “Refreshing. He’s refreshing. He’s so original.” I’ve heard that all. All the time I hear that. And I promise you Ellie’s parents are going to love me. I don’t know about you, but they’re going to love me.
Sebastian: What the hell are you doing? You can’t smoke here.
Salvo: What? I’m outside.
Sebastian: Next to an airplane!
'It turns out the only thing worse than you not trying is you trying.' - Sebastian (About My Father) Share on X
Sebastian: [referring to Lucky] I’d say his overall best skill was being a p**ck.
Lucky: You must be Sebastian’s brother.
Salvo: Hey. No, I’m his father. Salvo. How are you?
Lucky: No way! Seriously? That’s crazy. I can’t tell the age of anybody over forty.
Ellie: [to Sebastian] Suck on that lemon. Suck. Just suck! Suck, suck, suck!
Lucky: Sounds like my Saturday night.
Salvo: [referring to peacocks] They’re just a bunch of goddamn showoffs, if you ask me. I don’t like them. They’re lucky to be born that way. They could’ve been born like a chicken, or a pigeon. I mean, it just has fancy feathers, so all of a sudden, it gets more respect.
Salvo: [as Ellie is hugging her family] Family’s a little handsy, huh?
Sebastian: It’s called love and affection, Dad. Unlike you, when you met me in the delivery room and chose to shake my hand.
Salvo: What else was I supposed to do? We just met.
Tigger: So nice to finally meet you in person, Tigger. It’s just last week I was checking out your highlights on TV.
Salvo: Oh, the CNN, or the Fox ones?
Tigger: No. No. The blonde ones. You hair, if I can say, is just like a block of marble. I want to sink my tools into it.
Salvo: That’s a pretty big dog you got there.
Bill: Oh, that’s Duke. We don’t get too rough with him, because we’re afraid he’ll kill us.
Salvo: Oh, good for you, hanging up your kids art work like that.
Bill: No. These are original Grandma Moseses. Can you believe it? We found them…
Salvo: I’m sorry.
Bill: What?
Salvo: I’m sorry. I mean, I didn’t mean to insult your grandmother. I meant no disrespect. I had no idea. I mean, what was the matter with her?
Doug: You know, I can’t even bring my girlfriend here because I’m ashamed. She’s an African person.
Tigger: She is a person emailing you from Africa, and to whom you are sending back money. We have yet to confirm whether she’s a girl or a friend.
Doug: Before I was drinking kombucha, my feces looked like ripped, little pieces of paper, and then after I started drinking, they’re long, soft logs.
Bill: Salvo, this may sound very silly, but we don’t like to put prices on things, because it’s just an annoying reminder of money. Right?
Salvo: Oh! So, everything’s for free, you mean?
Bill: No. No, it is not free. I wish it were.
Tigger: Nothing is free.
Salvo: These people are strange.
Sebastian: Yeah, you think they are.
Salvo: They are strange. Are you kidding me? They want to take a break from thinking about money. Where I come from, that’s called dying.
Sebastian: [to Salvo] You raised me to marry an Italian who shouts when she’s happy, and grows hair in places I didn’t even know could grow.
Sebastian: They walk around, saying, “Oh, yes. The house is sixty thousand square feet, with thirteen bedrooms. But we like it because it’s cozy.”
Salvo: It can’t just be like a regular chair. It’s got to have like a whole back story.
Sebastian: Oh, yeah. I mean, what, “This is the chair Thomas Jefferson sat in when he signed the treaty of Who-the-Hell-Cares?”
Salvo: “Well, the toilet is where Abe Lincoln took a dump. There’s a plaque right there.”
Sebastian: “Oh, do they got a place for his hat in there too?”
Salvo: I mean, I don’t know if I’m in a house or I’m in a museum.
Sebastian: Look at this. Pink sheets?
Salvo: What? Well, we’re in a dollhouse.
Salvo: Well, I just hope nothing gets stolen this weekend, because these people love to blame the immigrants.
Salvo: I mean, I can’t stop thinking about how much work I’m missing. I could’ve done four dyes and a perm by now. Two electric bills I could’ve paid. Two.
Salvo: I mean, don’t these people have jobs?
Sebastian: It’s a holiday weekend. Plus, they got their money in the stock market. Not mayonnaise jars buried in their backyard.
Salvo: Look, I got sandals on. I’m relaxed.
Sebastian: You look like the guy who killed John Wick’s dog.
Lucky: Yoh, Sea Bass. Hope you got on your oven mitts. Because here comes the heat.
Bill: I got kicked out of Harvard for playing the sax. I know, it’s a long story. But my dad, he got mad. He said, “That’s it. You make it on your own.” He gave me one hotel. One.
Salvo: Wow. That’s impressive. My father gave me a mule. Next day it died.
Sebastian: [to Ellie, referring to Tigger] Listen, at least she stopped chest-bumping me. The only breasts I want to feel in this family are yours.
Tigger: [after Lucky is in the groin] Quick! Bill! Get a small cup of ice water for his testes.
Salvo: So how much this cost you?
Sebastian: [voice over] To all the immigrant kids watching, you know when you get that question, you always give them the parent price.
Sebastian: Forty dollars.
Salvo: Forty? You’re telling me you paid the price of a long hair blowout for somebody to teach you a game? I mean, what am I going to say?
Sebastian: [voice over] Now, just imagine how he’d react if I told him the actual price was eighty.
Sebastian: Stop acting like I’m joining a cult.
Salvo: Well, it is a cult. Only instead of Kool-Aid, they’re serving champagne.
Bill: Fun fact. I won this boat, playing backgammon with Sir Richard Branson. So for us, every voyage is a Virgin one.
Lucky: [after they offer Sebastian a job at their hotel] Dad, I thought you were saving that job for me.
Bill: We regularly drug test.
Lucky: Oh. Okay then.
Ellie: [after he comes out of the water] Oh, s**t! Sebastian, your suit!
Sebastian: It’s Versace. Do you like it?
Salvo: No, you moron! It’s not up!
Ellie: Look down!
Sebastian: Oh, God!
Lucky: Hey, Bubba Gump! Nice shrimp!
Salvo: What’s the matter with you? Pull up your pants!
Sebastian: I can’t reach it. Hey, what the hell do I do?
Bill: Son, your sail is at half-mast.
Salvo: Oh, no, no. It looks like it’s full mast.
Ellie: [after Sebastian smacks half naked into the boat window] Honey, my mom can’t unsee that.
Salvo: [to Sebastian] Look, I know I haven’t seen you naked since the delivery room, but is it possible your pisellino hasn’t even grown since then?
Sebastian: Dad, I’m in love with Ellie. That wouldn’t change if I accidentally showed my balls to the entire world.
Salvo: Oh, is that what you got planned for tomorrow?
Sebastian: I was nervous to bring you here. Because I knew you would just sit here, and judge with your black shirt, your zipper purse, your resting b**ch face.
Salvo: Hey, I don’t have resting b**ch face.
Sebastian: We look like Italian gargoyles. You look like you’re going to murder the entire neighborhood.
Salvo: You got no respect for your family.
Sebastian: I got enough respect to know we could go to bed angry, but not stinky. Come on. Now, come on, let’s do our night spritz.
Doug: Hello.
Salvo: What are you doing?
Doug: I was just serenading the peacocks.
Sebastian: [voice over] Yesterday was a day of regrettable firsts. I yelled at my father, and I showed my balls to my future in-laws. But who knows? Maybe everybody forgot?
Bill: Well, there’s the big swimmer.
Salvo: I got up early. I didn’t want to wake you, so I snuck out, did my laundry, watched TV, fixed one of their bannisters, reorganized the spice rack. Then when the sun came up, I started making breakfast. Then I went for a walk to get to know the family.
Salvo: Good people, these Collins. Good people. Even the commie.
Doug: Oh, I’m a socialist.
Salvo: Well, whatever you say, Che Guevara.
Sebastian: I’ve never seen your legs before.
Salvo: Yeah, you haven’t. That’s right. They’re not too bad.
Sebastian: They look like pretzel sticks in socks.
Sebastian: What’s Family Fun Day?
Salvo: What, are you dense? Everything you need to know is in the name.
Sebastian: [referring to Salvo] I know I’d asked the man to start making an effort, but this was crazy. I felt like I created a monster. Except instead of looking scary, he was smiling, playing games, dressing like the American flag.
Sebastian: My father was having a great time, and suddenly, I was the one who was uncomfortable. I wanted him to make an effort, not change who he was completely.
Salvo: I just figured out how these people stay so rich. They do everything on the cheap.
Tigger: I have no one to do my hair.
Ellie: So we were thinking maybe you could help her out.
Salvo: I mean, that’s like asking Van Gogh to draw a smiley face.
Ellie: [referring to Salvo and Tigger] How’s it going?
Salvo: I can’t hear anything. So they’re either getting along, or they’re quietly stabbing each other.
Sebastian: [after Salvo cuts Tigger’s hair] Dad, couldn’t you just ditch the aura crap, and give her what she wanted?
Salvo: Woh! That’s like asking Caravaggio to go back in, and retouch up the beheading of Holofernes.
Tigger: [to Salvo] Well, I am supposed to go on TV in ten minutes, and you have made me look like a bitter old Italian man!
Tigger: You don’t just make major decisions based on instincts. You’ve got to listen to the people you’re servicing, or someone’s going to end up dead.
Sebastian: [to Salvo, referring to Tigger]] She wanted a touch up. You made her look like David Bowie.
Salvo: [referring to Tigger] I gave her a do that was very age appropriate and dignified. She should be thanking me.
Ellie: I wouldn’t hold my breath, Salvo.
Sebastian: Oh, is she really pi**ed off?
Ellie: When I left, she was googling homemade poisons. I don’t know if it was for Salvo or for herself.
Salvo: I don’t get it. Most women would be honored to have their hair done by East Chicago’s three-time Hair Stylist of the Year.
Sebastian: That was in the 80’s.
Salvo: The 80’s. So what? That’s the golden age of hair.
Salvo: I just want to tell you I’m sorry for giving you a very high-quality hairdo without your permission.
Tigger: I heard the word “sorry”. But then you followed it up with a compliment to yourself.
Salvo: A Maniscalco always finds a way to feed his family, right?
Sebastian: Yep. You got it.
Bill: I think it’s a wonderful idea. I mean, if you look like an Italian man, why not eat like one, huh? No. I mean, if you, I meant Italian…
Tigger: Shut up, Bill.
Bill: I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Sebastian: Seeing my future in-laws eat their family pet is is as close to an acid trip as I ever want to be.
Sebastian: This was proof the man was diabolical.
Salvo: I murdered Sergeant Feathers.
Sebastian: I can’t believe you fed them a peacock. How could you do this?
Salvo: Easy. My recipe called for chicken. All the stores were closed. So what does a great chef do? He improvises.
Sebastian: By murdering their beloved mascot?
Salvo: Oh, they still got three left. Are you kidding me?
Salvo: Where we come from, it’s called, “You got to do what you got to do to feed the family.” It’s called the peasant mentality.
Sebastian: Look around, Dad. These people aren’t peasants.
Sebastian: And you thought I was crazy for worrying that you were going to make us look like some bad Italian stereotype?
Salvo: Come on. You know I’m not doing that.
Sebastian: Are you blind? We are in the woods, in the middle of the night, trying to get rid of a freaking body.
Salvo: That’s right. To help me get rid of the evidence.
Sebastian: Why does it seem like you’ve done this before?
Salvo: I’m just making an effort like you asked me to do.
Sebastian: Well, it turns out the only thing worse than you not trying is you trying.
Salvo: Everything I’m doing for you, that I’ve ever done for you, is for your own good, to give you a better life.
Sebastian: You love to say that, but now that I’m going to get it, it’s like you’re trying to stop it.
Salvo: I’m trying to make sure that you don’t make an a** out of yourself by trying to be somebody you’re not. You’re your own person. You’re your own man. Be your own man. Otherwise, it’s embarrassing.
Sebastian: Oh, man. You know what? This is your problem. You’re so focused on other people being embarrassed, you can’t see who the most embarrassing person is. It’s you.
Ellie: It’s what you always do. You’re always, you’re just stealing our lessons. You bribe our way onto sports teams. You rewrite our college essays. You hire famous rappers to emcee our birthday parties.
Tigger: That was also not my idea.
Lucky: Okay. So what? Now you don’t like Warren G?
Ellie: Just being in this family is like bowling with bumpers. It’s like, no matter what I try to do, they’re always setting up rails to make sure that I win. And sometimes, I just want to free bowl, because then, that way if I bowl a strike, then that’s my strike. But if I gutter it, then that’s on me too.
Sebastian: I realized I had everything I wanted, but not what I needed.
Sebastian: I came here to tell you that you’re stubborn, you’re cheap, you’re obnoxious, you’re severely judgmental.
Salvo: Wait. Wait. This is what I’m getting off the plane for?
Sebastian: Dad, but the truth is all those quirks are part of what makes you the greatest dad that I could ever hope for.
Salvo: Okay. Now I’m listening.
Sebastian: I need you to be part of our lives, Dad.
Salvo: But you said I was embarrassing.
Sebastian: You are. You haven’t changed one bit since I was a kid. You know who did? I changed. And I think somewhere along the way, I forgot. You’re my hero, man.
Salvo: Stop.
Sebastian: No. You are. All the stuff you sacrifice. Everything that’s good in my life, I owe it to you.
Tigger: Oh, sweetie, did you lose your appetite?
Ellie: Do you want to buy me one?
Sebastian: Now, my father said something really profound this weekend. It’s an old Italian saying, “Family isn’t one important thing, it’s everything.” Now, yeah, they could be embarrassing. Smothering. Sometimes maybe express their love in ways that are pretty…
Ellie: Messed up.
Sebastian: Exactly. But at the end of the day they’re just trying to do what’s best for us. Because they love us.
Bill: Duke! What do you have in your mouth?
Sebastian, Salvo: Duke murdered a peacock.
Trailer: