Starring: Channing Tatum, Jason Mantzoukas, Olivia Munn, Bobby Moynihan, Raoul Max Trujillo, Killer Mike, Judy Greer, Andy Samberg, Simon Pegg, Will Forte
OUR RATING: ★★½
Netflix’s adult animated comedy directed by Matt Thompson. In this revisionist history, America: The Motion Picture (2021) follows a chainsaw-wielding George Washington (Channing Tatum), who assembles a team of rabble rousers, including beer-loving bro Samual Adams (Jason Mantzoukas), famed scientist Thomas Edison (Olivia Munn), acclaimed horseman Paul Revere (Bobby Moynihan), and a very pi**ed off Geronimo (Raoul Max Trujillo), to defeat Benedict Arnold (Andy Samberg), and King James (Simon Pegg) in the American Revolution.
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Abraham Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago, I swore an oath to never tell a lie. To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand. Which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you, your prices are f***ing insane!
John Wilkes Booth: Wow, easy. Take it up with the King.
Abraham Lincoln: George, you are a wild man.
George Washington: What can I say? Somebody’s got to balance out all your boring politics.
Abraham Lincoln: George, I guess that’s what makes us such a good team. A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, in our forties.
Abraham Lincoln: But I do wish you cared about more than just partying.
George Washington: Abe! I care about more than that, alright? I also care about how good we look!
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, George. You paid thirty-five bucks for a T-blouse?
George Washington: No, I paid seventy bucks for two T-blouses. Twinsies!
Benedict Arnold: The only problem is, you assumed, all this time, that I’m part of your “we”, when, in fact, I’m with a different “we” now.
Abraham Lincoln: I don’t get it.
Benedict Arnold: I changed teams, a**holes.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, Ben, good for you! I’m so glad that you’re embracing your true self.
Benedict Arnold: I’m going to be f***ing rich.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy. Would love to meet him. Maybe we could do a double date?
Benedict Arnold: I think you’re misunderstanding. I will be doing the Redcoat Shuffle.
Abraham Lincoln: Hey. Whatever you guys do in private is your business. That’s one of the things we’re fighting for!
Benedict Arnold: Stop being so damn accepting for a minute! I have aligned myself with the Brits.
George Washington: [to Lincoln] Oh, my God! Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show? Look, I don’t do well with interactive theater, okay? It kind of freaks me out.
George Washington: Abe, are you okay?
Abraham Lincoln: No, my throat has been roadhoused.
George Washington: Ah, it’s in my mouth.
Abraham Lincoln: I’m dying, George.
George Washington: No, you will not die! You shut your mouth!
Abraham Lincoln: I will shut my mouth. Forever.
Abraham Lincoln: Free the colonies. Found a new country. Name her…
George Washington: Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her. Goddamn it! You son of a b**ch! Whatever you tell me to name her, that’s what I’m going to name her, Abie!
Abraham Lincoln: Name her America.
George Washington: Is that like your top choice? Maybe we can spitball some options, see if we can beat it.
Benedict Arnold: Subdue him. I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue.
George Washington: That cherry tree didn’t chop its f***ing self down!
George Washington: [to Arnold] I can’t believe we ever let you into the Three F***ateers! I’m changing our Netflix password!
Martha Washington: And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter.
George Washington: The same.
Martha Washington: Abraham Lincoln’s best friend.
George Washington: Forever.
George Washington: [looking at photos of young Lincoln] This is his seventh birthday. I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his.
Martha Washington: Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark?
George Washington: [looking at photos of young Lincoln] Oh, prom! Wow! We lost our virginities that night. Together.
Martha Washington: Oh, I get it. I’ve been to Paris.
Martha Washington: You know what you must do.
George Washington: Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better?
Martha Washington: That’ll work in the short term.
George Washington: Okay. That’s a great idea.
Martha Washington: You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league. I totally know him.
George Washington: Hold the phone! Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him?
What’s a phone? And no, no, no, no. That’s Samuel Adems, with an E. This is Samuel Adams, Martha Washington: with an A. The rabble rouser.
George Washington: I’m George Washington.
Samuel Adams: George Washington, the dinosaur rancher?
George Washington: Ah, no, no. That’s George Washingten, with an E. I’m George Washington, with an O, the future king of America.
Samuel Adams: America? What the f*** is America, bro?
Samuel Adams: [referring to beer] It’s made from rotten grass. Try this s**t. You’re going to love it. You don’t even have to put cow d**k milk in it.
George Washington: So we share an enemy. A cause. And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude.
George Washington: So, like, I don’t know, how do we even know which one’s the best horseman?
Samuel Adams: Oh, you’ll know, bro. These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time.
Paul Revere: Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends? I mean, new just friends, because I have tons of human friends already, and not just horse friends.
Samuel Adams: Ah, the British are such a drag. They’re like the world’s s**ttiest stepdad.
Paul Revere: [neighs] That’s what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses. But I definitely wasn’t. I have a human dad, just like you guys.
Redcoat Soldier: Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis. Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, you are hereby sentenced to death by fire.
George Washington: Thomas Edison, you are said to be the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, eons ahead of all your contemporaries. We seek to recruit you for a mission. We literally cannot succeed without you!
Thomas Edison: I’m an immigrant. I came here from another country. Like you.
Samuel Adams: Oh, no! No, no, no. My people have always been here. That’s why we make the rules, baby!
Thomas Edison: Except you don’t, dumba**.
Paul Revere: Ooh, you got burned!
Samuel Adams: Now that I’m thinking about it, sorcerers are so 1775, am I right?
Thomas Edison: Cool, because I’m not a sorcerer. I’m a scientist.
Samuel Adams: [laughs] There’s no such thing as science!
Samuel Adams: There’s got to be another Thomas Edison, right? Like a man Thomas Edison.
Thomas Edison: Oh, yeah, there is. Yeah, there’s Thomas Edisen with an E, the professional wrestler.
Samuel Adams: Ah, that’s him. Let’s go get him.
Thomas Edison: Yeah, he’s cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you’re into that.
Narrator: He was a tracker, best in the world, until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Now, he prowls the badlands, tracking for those who can’t track for themselves. If you have a problem, and you can find him, maybe you can hire Geronimo.
Geronimo: This doesn’t feel right. It kind of feels like you’re going to try to f*** me.
George Washington: What? We wouldn’t, never!
Geronimo: Yeah. No, I think you might. Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants. I got a sixth sense for this s**t.