Starring: Channing Tatum, Jason Mantzoukas, Olivia Munn, Bobby Moynihan, Raoul Max Trujillo, Killer Mike, Judy Greer, Andy Samberg, Simon Pegg, Will Forte
OUR RATING: ★★½
Netflix’s adult animated comedy directed by Matt Thompson. In this revisionist history, America: The Motion Picture (2021) follows a chainsaw-wielding George Washington (Channing Tatum), who assembles a team of rabble rousers, including beer-loving bro Samual Adams (Jason Mantzoukas), famed scientist Thomas Edison (Olivia Munn), acclaimed horseman Paul Revere (Bobby Moynihan), and a very pi**ed off Geronimo (Raoul Max Trujillo), to defeat Benedict Arnold (Andy Samberg), and King James (Simon Pegg) in the American Revolution.
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Abraham Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago, I swore an oath to never tell a lie. To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand. Which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you, your prices are f***ing insane!
John Wilkes Booth: Wow, easy. Take it up with the King.
Abraham Lincoln: George, you are a wild man.
George Washington: What can I say? Somebody’s got to balance out all your boring politics.
Abraham Lincoln: George, I guess that’s what makes us such a good team. A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, in our forties.
Abraham Lincoln: But I do wish you cared about more than just partying.
George Washington: Abe! I care about more than that, alright? I also care about how good we look!
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, George. You paid thirty-five bucks for a T-blouse?
George Washington: No, I paid seventy bucks for two T-blouses. Twinsies!
Benedict Arnold: The only problem is, you assumed, all this time, that I’m part of your “we”, when, in fact, I’m with a different “we” now.
Abraham Lincoln: I don’t get it.
Benedict Arnold: I changed teams, a**holes.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, Ben, good for you! I’m so glad that you’re embracing your true self.
Benedict Arnold: I’m going to be f***ing rich.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy. Would love to meet him. Maybe we could do a double date?
Benedict Arnold: I think you’re misunderstanding. I will be doing the Redcoat Shuffle.
Abraham Lincoln: Hey. Whatever you guys do in private is your business. That’s one of the things we’re fighting for!
Benedict Arnold: Stop being so damn accepting for a minute! I have aligned myself with the Brits.
George Washington: [to Lincoln] Oh, my God! Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show? Look, I don’t do well with interactive theater, okay? It kind of freaks me out.
George Washington: Abe, are you okay?
Abraham Lincoln: No, my throat has been roadhoused.
George Washington: Ah, it’s in my mouth.
Abraham Lincoln: I’m dying, George.
George Washington: No, you will not die! You shut your mouth!
Abraham Lincoln: I will shut my mouth. Forever.
Abraham Lincoln: Free the colonies. Found a new country. Name her…
George Washington: Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her. Goddamn it! You son of a b**ch! Whatever you tell me to name her, that’s what I’m going to name her, Abie!
Abraham Lincoln: Name her America.
George Washington: Is that like your top choice? Maybe we can spitball some options, see if we can beat it.
Benedict Arnold: Subdue him. I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue.
George Washington: That cherry tree didn’t chop its f***ing self down!
George Washington: [to Arnold] I can’t believe we ever let you into the Three F***ateers! I’m changing our Netflix password!
Martha Washington: And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter.
George Washington: The same.
Martha Washington: Abraham Lincoln’s best friend.
George Washington: Forever.
George Washington: [looking at photos of young Lincoln] This is his seventh birthday. I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his.
Martha Washington: Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark?
George Washington: [looking at photos of young Lincoln] Oh, prom! Wow! We lost our virginities that night. Together.
Martha Washington: Oh, I get it. I’ve been to Paris.
Martha Washington: You know what you must do.
George Washington: Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better?
Martha Washington: That’ll work in the short term.
George Washington: Okay. That’s a great idea.
Martha Washington: You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league. I totally know him.
George Washington: Hold the phone! Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him?
What’s a phone? And no, no, no, no. That’s Samuel Adems, with an E. This is Samuel Adams, Martha Washington: with an A. The rabble rouser.
George Washington: I’m George Washington.
Samuel Adams: George Washington, the dinosaur rancher?
George Washington: Ah, no, no. That’s George Washingten, with an E. I’m George Washington, with an O, the future king of America.
Samuel Adams: America? What the f*** is America, bro?
Samuel Adams: [referring to beer] It’s made from rotten grass. Try this s**t. You’re going to love it. You don’t even have to put cow d**k milk in it.
George Washington: So we share an enemy. A cause. And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude.
George Washington: So, like, I don’t know, how do we even know which one’s the best horseman?
Samuel Adams: Oh, you’ll know, bro. These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time.
Paul Revere: Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends? I mean, new just friends, because I have tons of human friends already, and not just horse friends.
Samuel Adams: Ah, the British are such a drag. They’re like the world’s s**ttiest stepdad.
Paul Revere: [neighs] That’s what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses. But I definitely wasn’t. I have a human dad, just like you guys.
Redcoat Soldier: Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis. Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, you are hereby sentenced to death by fire.
George Washington: Thomas Edison, you are said to be the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, eons ahead of all your contemporaries. We seek to recruit you for a mission. We literally cannot succeed without you!
Thomas Edison: I’m an immigrant. I came here from another country. Like you.
Samuel Adams: Oh, no! No, no, no. My people have always been here. That’s why we make the rules, baby!
Thomas Edison: Except you don’t, dumba**.
Paul Revere: Ooh, you got burned!
Samuel Adams: Now that I’m thinking about it, sorcerers are so 1775, am I right?
Thomas Edison: Cool, because I’m not a sorcerer. I’m a scientist.
Samuel Adams: [laughs] There’s no such thing as science!
Samuel Adams: There’s got to be another Thomas Edison, right? Like a man Thomas Edison.
Thomas Edison: Oh, yeah, there is. Yeah, there’s Thomas Edisen with an E, the professional wrestler.
Samuel Adams: Ah, that’s him. Let’s go get him.
Thomas Edison: Yeah, he’s cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you’re into that.
Narrator: He was a tracker, best in the world, until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Now, he prowls the badlands, tracking for those who can’t track for themselves. If you have a problem, and you can find him, maybe you can hire Geronimo.
Geronimo: This doesn’t feel right. It kind of feels like you’re going to try to f*** me.
George Washington: What? We wouldn’t, never!
Geronimo: Yeah. No, I think you might. Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants. I got a sixth sense for this s**t.
George Washington: They all have all these rules. No one’s allowed to have a single independent thought, and they’re always taxing the s**t out of everybody!
Geronimo: Yeah, yeah. That sounds rough. My issue is just that they took my land, poisoned my people to the brink of extinction, and murdered everyone I’ve ever cared for. So, real buzzkill.
Geronimo: So you’re telling me that if I help you, when you win this land back from King James, you’ll give it back to me and my family?
George Washington: Absolutely.
Samuel Adams: Totally.
Geronimo: All of it? The whole enchilada?
George Washington: Well, I mean…
Samuel Adams: Yeah, you bet we will.
King James: What is the point of being a ruler if people are not following your rules? This is like King S**t 101!
Samuel Adams: Dudes, are we close yet? I’m getting hangry.
Thomas Edison: I could definitely eat. Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings about a mile back.
Samuel Adams: What’s a mile? And I could totally crush some B-dubs right now.
Thomas Edison: Guys, we could be here for years and accomplish nothing.
George Washington: You’re right. But we’d be accomplishing nothing for America. Guys, I can’t ask you to go in there with me.
Paul Revere: Phew!
Samuel Adams: Yeah, good. Because, no.
Thomas Edison: Great. Good luck.
George Washington: I never know the right thing to say when I’m trying to lead. This sucks! So, yeah, I guess I am. I’m asking you to go in there with me. Will you please go in there with me?
Thomas Edison: Huh, well, with a pep talk like that, how could I say no?
George Washington: Ding-dong! It’s America, m**herf***er!
Benedict Arnold: Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised.
George Washington: Oh, I’ll color you f***ing dead, Ben!
Benedict Arnold: Bravo! Did you practice that line in the car on your way here?
George Washington: What the f*** is a car?!
George Washington: Yeah. Well, that could’ve gone better.
Samuel Adams: You think? Edison almost got everybody killed!
Thomas Edison: Everybody almost got everybody killed!
Geronimo: I won’t live with this curse. Hand me my ax.
Thomas Edison: Are you sure?
Geronimo: Does my grandfather s**t in the woods?
Thomas Edison: Does he? I didn’t know him.
George Washington: And, Sam, your propensity for murder is extraordinary.
Samuel Adams: Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick.
George Washington: The candle maker?
Samuel Adams: Yeah! That dude is a f***ing psycho!
George Washington: This feels like the end of the first act of my life. All hope is lost.
George Washington: Yeah, Edison’s right, everybody. Let’s just give up.
Thomas Edison: That is not what I said.
George Washington: What? Dudes, look, we tried.
Thomas Edison: One thing. We literally tried one thing.
George Washington: Yeah, and it didn’t work!
Thomas Edison: Oh, my God. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Sam. This is not India.
Geronimo: Also, you’re a f***ing racist.
Samuel Adams: No, Paul’s the racist. He’s the best horse racist in the colonies.
Paul Revere: Yeah, I’m a great racist.
Geronimo: Holy s**t.
Martha Washington: No! George Bon Jovi Washington, you do not get to party.
Martha Washington: So achieve those goals. Realize those dreams. And then, you can party like a rich white man who will never face adversity for the rest of his glorious life!
Thomas Edison: What have the fun police done to you?
Blacksmith: Look around. I’m a small business owner. And what’s a small business owner’s greatest enemy?
George Washington: Ooh. Large businesses.
Thomas Edison: Razor thin profit margins.
Samuel Adams: Rising lube costs.
Geronimo: White people stealing everything you own.
Paul Revere: Having a squirrel for a friend?
George Washington: Staff turnover.
Thomas Edison: Tesla being a little b**ch?
Samuel Adams: Not getting drunk at lunch?
Geronimo: White people stealing everything you own.
Paul Revere: Constant instinct to second-guess having risked your savings on unproven business acumen?
Blacksmith: No, it’s taxes.
Paul Revere: Taxes. Correct.
George Washington: So you’ll help us then? You’ll craft the silver bullet free of charge?
Blacksmith: What? Are you white m**herf***ers crazy? I just told you I’m a small business owner. You think I’m going to give you silver for free?
Samuel Adams: What’s up with these a**holes and flyers?
Paul Revere: Well, it’s a great way to communicate with a widespread audience, much like direct mail, or the Pony Express, where my brother does not work.
George Washington: We need a plan.
Samuel Adams: Why?
George Washington: Well, last time we didn’t have one and things got s**tty.
Blacksmith: You want me, a Black dude, to sit here in the dark, alone, to play lookout for you while you break the law? Oh, hell no!
George Washington: Enough with all of the planning! Did Magellan have a plan when he circumnavigated the globe?
Thomas Edison: Yes. That actually took a lot of preparation.
Thomas Edison: They’re steeping the colonists in tea!
George Washington: Turning them British. James, you sick b****rd!
Samuel Adams: Look, if anybody asks, the Titanic hit an iceberg. We were never here, baby.
George Washington: Can I ask a question, real quick? Why is my dream world so s**tty?
Abraham Lincoln: Well, we ran out of money.
George Washington: My dream ran out of money?
Abraham Lincoln: Sure. Yeah. Look, I’ve been told by the, you know, “dream producers”, that we could use this money more effectively elsewhere. Like in an epic ending battle happening sometime in the next thirty minutes or so.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I had this whole idea worked out. You were going to fight a dream-hydra.
George Washington: Woh, that’s cool.
Abraham Lincoln: I know. And it was made up of all of King James rules. And for every rule you cut down, another appeared.
Abraham Lincoln: Be a leader for them, George. A leader for all people!
George Washington: I get it. I get it, Abe. But I would’ve got it a lot better if I was kicking an a** of a giant dream-hydra, but I’m just saying, I get it. I got it.
George Washington: When Edison invents the Internet next year, I’ll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself. “Benedict Arnold, great swimmer, and a total f***ing a**wipe.”
Benedict Arnold: Well, I’ll just change it back.
George Washington: No, you won’t, because you’ll be dead!
George Washington: Not many people know this, but Abe wasn’t just America’s premier celebrity chef. He was also its most capable cryptographer.
Samuel Adams: Plip-plopipher?
Thomas Edison: Cryptographer. You know, someone who crafts and solves codes and ciphers.
Samuel Adams: Yeah, a plip-plopipher. That’s what I said. We’re saying the same thing.
Geronimo: What the f*** just happened? Did I just lose a game that white people didn’t explain the rules to? I can’t carry all the silver. I only got the one arm.
Samuel Adams: And whose fault is that?
Geronimo: That would be yours. For screwing up Vietnam.
Samuel Adams: What are you talking about? We won Vietnam.
Thomas Edison: You started a war against the most powerful country on Earth to make friends?
Paul Revere: Yes. Yes, I did. I never had people friends.
Thomas Edison: Listen, lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.
Paul Revere: Well, I’m friends with a lot of sheep, and, boy, are they opinionated.
Samuel Adams: I guess we should’ve scouted the area. Right, guys?
Thomas Edison: But, hey, then we wouldn’t have had George’s awesome code-cracking scene, right?
George Washington: Really? I mean, you thought that was awesome? I mean, it wasn’t, you know, too indulgent?
Samuel Adams: No way, dude. Totally realistic.
Paul Revere: And entirely too short.
George Washington: Redcoats, standing around a table. And there’s only one reason grown men would stand around a table.
Samuel Adams: To j**k off.
George Washington: To plot. What?
Blacksmith: Can you imagine being so used to winning at everything for your whole life, that even when you lose, your brain’s just like, “Yoh, we must’ve won that s**t, right?” That’s the definition of privilege, right there.
Geronimo: Oh, I’ve tried to tell them that so many times, but they don’t even hear me. You want to get through to them, you’d have to put your message in like, I don’t know, the dumbest thing possible, like a cartoon, or something.
Clara Barton: I think I can save him. But it will require the full breadth of my cybernetic research to do so.
George Washington: Meaning?
Clara Barton: Meaning, when I’m done…
Thomas Edison: He’ll be more machine than animal.
Clara Barton: And there’s also a chance that at some point in the distant future, he’ll rise up against us and…
George Washington: The horse owes me three bucks, so do what you got to do, Doc.
King James: Say what you will about these colonists, but frying a chicken, and putting it in a bucket, that’s a solid idea.
George Washington: No matter, we’ll all sleep soon enough, in the beds of vanquished kings.
Thomas Edison: Wow, that was beautiful phrasing, George. You’re getting pretty good at this.
George Washington: You like that? Really? Check this out. Teamwork, it makes the dream work.
George Washington: And, Mr. Smith, you’ll join the fight as well?
Blacksmith: I figured, if we’re going to end up with an old white dude in charge, we could do a hell of a lot worse than you, George Washington. You’re one of the good-ish ones.
George Washington: I’m just spitballing here, but maybe this style of blouse will become the uniform of the first ever American national pastime. It’ll be like cricket, but with actual rules.
Samuel Adams: And you won’t even have to be athletic to participate.
Geronimo: Or have two arms.
Thomas Edison: And women can play too.
George Washington: Now, let’s go start a f***ing revolution!
Blacksmith: What is that thing?
Thomas Edison: It’s a weather control device. Look at the tea bags. It’s designed to seed the clouds with tea!
Blacksmith: Teabagging them? Literally? But why?
Thomas Edison: To make them rain tea. Every man, woman, and child beneath these spacious skies will be turned British instantly.
Thomas Edison: I reversed the polarity of the tea.
Blacksmith: So, if it ain’t tea no more, what the f*** is it?
Thomas Edison: The exact opposite of tea.
Samuel Adams: It’s beer! Beer won the war!
Thomas Edison: What? No, beer didn’t win. No, science!
George Washington: You obviously pulled a Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold: A what?
George Washington: A Benedict Arnold. You’re a thing now, bro. Whenever you get f***ed over by a trusted friend, it’s called getting Benedict Arnolded.
Benedict Arnold: No. You can’t just do that.
George Washington: Oh, yeah, we can. Because we all voted on it. And that’s called…
All: F***ing Democracy!
Abraham Lincoln: Who are you, Demi Moore? Why you got to screw a ghost like that, George?
George Washington: My fellow Americans, on this day, July 4th, 1776, we are all finally free!
Man in Crowd: What about your slaves?
George Washington: Oh! Um…
George Washington: Oh, God. We’re going to f*** this up, aren’t we?