Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013) Best Quotes

Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Christina Applegate, Dylan Baker, Meagan Good, Judah Nelson, James Marsden, Greg Kinnear, Josh Lawson, Kristen Wii, Fred Willard, Chris Parnell, Harrison Ford, Bill Kurtis, Sacha Baron Cohen, Marion Cotillard, Will Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Carrey, Tina Fey, Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler, John C. Reilly, Vince Vaughn, Kanye West

OUR RATING: ★★★★☆

Story:

Comedy sequel directed and co-written by Adam McKay. Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013) continues the adventures of broadcaster Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), who now with his wife, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), co-anchor the national news in New York. However, things change drastically when Veronica is promoted and Ron is fired, which leads to them separating. Feeling rejected Ron’s life falls apart until he’s given a second chance when he’s offered the job to work at the world’s first 24-hour news network which leads to Ron reassembling his Channel 4 news team, Champ Kind (David Koechner), Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd) and Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), and proving their total incompetence is actually a perfect fit for the 24-hour news cycle.

Our Favorite Quotes:

'As the wise man once said, “So?”' - Ron Burgundy (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Best Quotes

Narrator: There are many places we could begin the next chapter of the legend of Ron Burgundy. This is one such place. However, we won’t begin our tale here. No, our story begins in a place all newsmen dream of. In New York City. It was a time before cell phones and steroids. And for Ron and his now wife Veronica, life was good.

Soul Brother: Ron Burgundy! That lady’s got a** like the Loch Ness Monster. Thing is mysterious and ever sought after.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, aren’t you going to say something to him?
Ron Burgundy: Hey, when you’ve got an a** like the North Star, wise men are going to want to follow it.

Ron Burgundy: [doing voice exercises] The Tooth Fairy’s exposed breast made the child uncomfortable. The bishop wore buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah. Bat mitzvah. The garden gnome had a normal size p**is. The garden gnome had a normal size p**is.

Mack Tannen: I’ve been doing the evening news now for over thirty-five years.
Ron Burgundy: Done a hell of a job.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, sir.
Ron Burgundy: A hell of a job!
Mack Tannen: I’ve gone through four wives. I have six or seven kids that I haven’t got the time to tell I love them.
Veronica Corningstone: To be honest, they sound a little needy.
Mack Tannen: I killed four men in Okinawa.
Ron Burgundy: W-W-Two.
Mack Tannen: And that was two weeks ago.

Mack Tannen: What are you? Finnish?
Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough, I’m hundred percent full-blown Mexican, from the state of Oaxaca.
Veronica Corningstone: No, you’re not, honey.

Mack Tannen: You’re going to be the first female full-time network news anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Mack Tannen: And you, Mr. Burgundy…
Ron Burgundy: I’m going to be the first lactose intolerant anchor.
Mack Tannen: Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Yes?
Mack Tannen: You’re fired.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
Mack Tannen: Fired. You are the worst anchorman I have ever seen.
Ron Burgundy: But what did I do wrong? Name one thing.

Ron Burgundy: Tony, did I just curse? Are you kidding me? S**t! I mean, s**t. Shoot!

Ron Burgundy: Folks, I’m sorry. I hold myself to a high professional standard, and you shouldn’t hear that language, okay? I’m having a s**tty day. Oh, f***-stick!

Ron Burgundy: [referring to Veronica becoming the news anchor] I forbid it!
Veronica Corningstone: You forbid it? What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
Ron Burgundy: Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don’t follow the NBA.

'When you've got an ass like the North Star, wise men are going to want to follow it.' - Ron Burgundy (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Veronica Corningstone: Look, I am so sorry that this happened, Ron. But you and I, we’re partners, sweetheart. And when something good happens to me, it also happens to you.
Ron Burgundy: That’s ridiculous! It clearly just happened to you!

Veronica Corningstone: Walter, honey, why don’t you just go to bed, alright? Mommy and Daddy are just having a discussion.
Ron Burgundy: No! He needs to hear this. He’s six years-old. He’s a man.

Ron Burgundy: Walter, listen to me. Life isn’t a fairy tale, it’s not a bunch of jumping rope and grabbing a**. It’s complicated. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?
Walter Burgundy: I want to be an astronaut, or a cowboy!
Ron Burgundy: You’re never going to be any of those, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Ron Burgundy: You’ve got to set the bar a lot lower. Service industry, fry cook, prison guard. Maybe you’re a lighting guy at a porn shoot. Which basically means you hold up a flashlight while adults do things.
Veronica Corningstone: He is a child, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: No, no, no, no! He’s got hair on his nugs. He’s old enough to hear this.
Lupita: Your father is a wise man.

Ron Burgundy: Veronica, here’s the bottom line. It’s a very simple decision. It’s either me or the job.
Veronica Corningstone: It doesn’t have to be a choice, Ron. Don’t do this. Don’t throw away everything that we’ve worked so hard for.
Ron Burgundy: Me, or the job.

Ron Burgundy: [six months later, at Sea World] Good afternoon, everyone. And welcome to world famous Sea World, here in San Diago, California. Here’s a fun fact, dolphins aren’t fish, they’re mammals. Here’s another fun fact. I haven’t felt the loving embrace of a human being in over three months. I’m so lonely I paid a hobo to spoon with me.

Ron Burgundy: I want to kiss you.
Sea World Trainer: No.
Ron Burgundy: Or I’ll kiss your friend.
Sea World Trainer: No.
Ron Burgundy: [to the crowd] How about the two trainers kiss each other? What do you say, huh?

Sea World Trainer: So, let’s say hello to the stars of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
Ron Burgundy: For your information, Chippy was rehabilitated and Roo-roo is an a**hole. Wooh! Look, they’re swimming and doing tricks. Folks, what do you expect? They’re dolphins.
Ron Burgundy: [to the dolphin] What did you say? Look at you, with that permanent smile. You think you’re so smart with your secret language. You just fart out of the top of your head.
Sea World Kid #1: You’re a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Sea World Kid #2: Booooo.
Sea World Kid #3: Children and animals hate you, Ron Burgundy!
Ron Burgundy: I would eat dolphins if it was legal!

Ron Burgundy: [to the Sea World guards] Unhand me, you buffoons!
Sea World Manager: Alright, first, you threw up in the shark tank. Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro? And now this? You’re fired, you washed-up drunk!

Ron Burgundy: [as he decides to hang himself from the fluorescent light] This is the end of the road, I’m not turning back. Well, I know it’s not a pretty sight. And you’re going to be the sole witness. If you can’t handle it, you leave the room. It’s too late, Baxter. I’m going the way of the ancient samurai who, when dishonored, would hang themselves from a fluorescent light. Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
Ron Burgundy: [as he jumps off the chair, the light to breaks and he falls] Sweet cream on nipples!

'I'm so lonely I paid a hobo to spoon with me.' - Ron Burgundy (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Freddie Shapp: [after Ron’s failed suicide attempt] Oh, my God! What the hell happened?
Ron Burgundy: I tried to hang myself? Because my life’s a mess? And I saw no other option?
Freddie Shapp: I think you’re telling the truth, but why are you saying it like you’re lying?
Ron Burgundy: It was a call for help? But it didn’t work because I’m too heavy, and the ceiling lamp broke? Something like that?

Ron Burgundy: These are first-rate flapjacks. I’m telling you, suicide makes you hungry. I don’t care what anyone says.

Freddie Shapp: My name is Freddie Shapp, and I’m a producer of a new kind of news. We’re starting a twenty-four hour news channel, first of its kind. GNN, The Global News Network.
Ron Burgundy: That is without a doubt the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You mean news going twenty-four hours around the clock? A channel that’s never off, in other words?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah. Yeah. Just twenty-four hours.
Ron Burgundy: No offense, but you are a stupid a**hole.
Freddie Shapp: Mr. Burgundy, I assure you we are a hundred percent for real.

Ron Burgundy: I don’t think you understand, Freddie. My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was the worst journalist he’d ever seen. I’m not good enough.
Freddie Shapp: Here. This is your first week’s salary.
Ron Burgundy: [as he looks at the cash] By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
Freddie Shapp: What do you say, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: I’ll take the job. And I swear I’ll be number one again. I’ll take back my son, restore my reputation, and make everything right with Veronica. But more importantly, I’m going to do what God put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do. Have salon-quality hair and read the news.

Champ Kind: Meet the crew! I’m local San Diego legend Champ Kind, and I believe in two things. Good chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay. So come on by and grab a wing. Because when you do, you’ll say, “Whammy!” No Catholics or Jews admitted.

Champ Kind: So, anyway, Harken sat me down, he said, “Champ, you’re a dangerous alcoholic, a racist and I don’t think you know a lick about sports.” And I said, “Ed, you dirty Polack, it’s ten in the morning. Let’s go have some drinks, go to a baseball game where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns.” Then he fires me. Fortunately, on the way out the door, I fake a work injury. With the settlement, I bought this place.
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m glad to see you landed on your feet, Champ.

'I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it's not right.' - Brick Tamland (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Ron Burgundy: Listen, can I ask you a question?
Champ Kind: Sure. Anything.
Ron Burgundy: [referring to the fried chickens] Is this chicken?
Champ Kind: Hell, no. It’s really impossible to turn a profit if you serve real chicken. Yeah. We use mainly bats.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Champ Kind: Yeah. But the good quality kind.
Ron Burgundy: That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard.
Champ Kind: Yeah? You got to do what you got to do, right?
Ron Burgundy: So what you got to do is serve fried bats?
Champ Kind: Yep.

Champ Kind: Do you know what they call bats?
Ron Burgundy: Bats.
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.
Ron Burgundy: No one calls them Chicken of the Cave. Who’s “they”, by the way?
Champ Kind: There’s a guy I met named Paco, sells bikers speed at the pier.
Ron Burgundy: So that guy calls them Chicken of the Cave.
Champ Kind: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not “they”.

Champ Kind: Why don’t you have a bite and stop judging it?
Ron Burgundy: I’m not going to bite into a fried bat.
Champ Kind: It’s delicious.
Ron Burgundy: It’s all tendon, look at it.
Ron Burgundy: [suddenly a bat flies through the restaurant] Was that a bat?
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.

Ron Burgundy: Wow, this place is spectacular!
Champ Kind: It’s amazing.
Brian Fantana: A bit chaotic today. We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out, you know how that can be. I’ve been living in a tent for the last two years.
Brian Fantana: Oh, yeah, this is not that. We got a sauna in the kitchen. A lot of people think that’s weird, but I keep wine in it. I’m not a wine guy, but I know you got to keep it hot.

Ron Burgundy: I hate Mondays. I’m not a Monday guy.
Champ Kind: Ron hates Mondays. Hell, I’m not crazy about them either. I also don’t like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays.

'I can type fifty words a minute with only three hundred errors.' - Chani Lastnamé (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Brian Fantana: [at Brick’s funeral] Brick was lost at sea about a year ago. Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it, he never came back.
Ed Harken: We all loved Brick, even though he never had a phone number, or address, or a social security number. In six years of working at the station, he never cashed a paycheck.
Ron Burgundy: That sweet Brick.
Ed Harken: He was a sensitive man though. He told me he wanted to donate his organs to science before he died, so he could see where they ended up. He’ll long be remembered and he’ll be sorely missed.
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Reverend.

Brick Tamland: Brick was a great man.
Ron Burgundy: Really?
Brick Tamland: And I will miss him so much. And I will not rest until I find his killer.
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: His killer?
Brick Tamland: It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.
Brian Fantana: He’s not gone!
Brick Tamland: I feel that I just saw him yesterday!
Ron Burgundy: You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.
Brick Tamland: When I got the news, I didn’t even know how to make sense out of it!
Brian Fantana: None of us understand!

Brick Tamland: Why? Why? Why did you take him from us?
Ron Burgundy: You’re clearly standing in front of us, Brick.
Brick Tamland: Goddamn you!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Brick Tamland: Brick is dead!
Champ Kind: No, Brick’s alive.
Brick Tamland: [points to his own picture] Brick is dead! Look at him!
Ron Burgundy: He’s not dead.
Champ Kind: He’s not dead, Brick. You’re not dead.
Ron Burgundy: You’re Brick!

'I don't have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing. Always get your teeth involved.' - Brick Tamland (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) Click To Tweet

Brian Fantana: [as they are driving to New York in Ron’s van] What about the time that you dared Champ to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?
Ron Burgundy: He drained it faster than you could say, “No, don’t do it. That’s the equivalent of drinking poison.”
Champ Kind: Oh, Lord. I was in a six month coma. They said from the neurological damage, there’s no way I’d live past fifty-five!
Ron Burgundy: You got three years left, my friend.
Brick Tamland: You’re going to die!

See more Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Quotes

Brick Tamland: Hey, hey, remember, I was by myself, and I had that dream about the orange tree, but instead of oranges, it had babies on it? It was a baby tree!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, how could we remember? It’s your dream.
Brick Tamland: I don’t know. It’s all the same thing.
Ron Burgundy: I mean, it’s an interesting dream, but we’re telling stories involving the entire news team from the past.
Brick Tamland: Or how about the time when I was born, and I came out of the v***na? I was screaming, “Here I come! Ooh! Here I come, Mom!”
Ron Burgundy: First off, Brick, I highly doubt you remember your own birth. And, once again, we weren’t there.

Brian Fantana: Man, this just feels right! The news team is back!
Champ Kind: Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
Brick Tamland: That old man is so little and hairy!
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron, who’s driving?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay. It’s on cruise control.

Ron Burgundy: Who wants some chimichangas? Huh? Best thing I ever did was install this deep fryer in the ‘bago.
Champ Kind: Ron, why do you have this bag of bowling balls and this terrarium filled with scorpions?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s a long crazy story.
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron. Cruise control just regulates speed, it doesn’t steer.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
Ron Burgundy: [after the van steers off the road causing it to topple over] Well, that is going to make one hell of a story.

Champ Kind: [as they drive into New York] Why do they call it the Big Apple, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: It’s because New York has an apple tree on every street.

Freddie Shapp: [showing them around GNN] And the best in the biz. Jack Lime, out of Chicago. Rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year.
Champ Kind: That’s crazy. Who’s worth that kind of money?
Champ Kind: [Jack Lime turns and they’re all mesmerized by his good looks] Oh, my God! He’s absolutely magnificent!
Ron Burgundy: I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.

Freddie Shapp: [whispering to Ron] Stop making that face.
Ron Burgundy: Is this face better?
Jack Lime: Oh, I don’t like… Oh, that new face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!
Freddie Shapp: You’re getting him mad.
Ron Burgundy: I only have so many faces.
Jack Lime: I’m just grinding your gears, man. Welcome to the station! We’re going to have a good time together.
Freddie Shapp: Oh, my God. That’s vintage Jack Lime.

Freddie Shapp: This is Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Black. Black.
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, just stop, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop saying black, the word black.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.

Linda Jackson: Stop saying black.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Freddie Shapp: Stop saying it!
Ron Burgundy: If I don’t say it, I’ll pass out.

Ron Burgundy: I want to say, on behalf of the entire news team, we are huge supporters of all African and Americans.
Brick Tamland: Veronica got so tanned.
Ron Burgundy: I remember the first African and American I ever saw.
Linda Jackson: It’s African-American.
Ron Burgundy: Are you sure?
Linda Jackson: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Absolutely a hundred percent positive? It isn’t like fish and chips?

Brian Fantana: Hey, we’re all the same on the inside, stinky and pink.
Champ Kind: When I was in high school, me and my buddies used to sneak in the girls locker room. We’d peek at the girls in the shower, and I’d look at all of them, no matter what color they were, so.
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, this is the worst meeting I’ve ever been in.

Brick Tamland: A black man follows me everywhere when it’s sunny.
Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that’s your shadow, Brick.
Brick Tamland: I call him Leon.
Ron Burgundy: And if it’s a cloudy day, what happens to Leon?
Brick Tamland: He goes home.
Ron Burgundy: It’s your shadow. He’s talking about his shadow.

Linda Jackson: So you have a black boss, and it’s freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit.
Linda Jackson: You freaked out?
Ron Burgundy: To be honest.
Linda Jackson: Is it freaking you out?!
Champ Kind: Oh, she’s got a knife!
Linda Jackson: I don’t give a s**t!

Linda Jackson: We’re not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: So as long as you guys get numbers, we are going to get along just fine. Now, if you don’t, I am going to be icy and unpleasant. You dig?
Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.
Brick Tamland: I like to dig. One time I went digging for treasure and I found half a body.

Ron Burgundy: When do we begin our broadcast?
Freddie Shapp: Well, the big launch is tomorrow at twelve noon.
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Freddie Shapp: You guys are slotted for the 2 AM to 5 AM slot.
Ron Burgundy: What? That’s the graveyard shift!
Brick Tamland: I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

Chani Lastnamé: I’m getting ready for Secret Santa. When is that again?
Chani’s Boss: It’s at Christmas time. When else would it be?

Brick Tamland: I’m Brick. I was dead last week.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m Chani. I like the place between your head and your body.
Brick Tamland: I like your hair. It looks like wet popcorn.
Chani Lastnamé: Thank you.

Chani Lastnamé: [to Brick] Do you want to see the face I make when I see a snake made out of candy?

Chani Lastnamé: What’s your favorite time of day?
Brick Tamland: Now. What’s your favorite time of day?
Chani Lastnamé: A minute ago.

Ron Burgundy: Look, it doesn’t matter whose fault the break-up was, okay? I was stubborn. You were like a mentally ill whore having PMS from the 1800s.
Veronica Corningstone: What’s your point, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The point is, I’m back home. And I want to spend the rest of my life…
Gary: Honey, who is it? Hi, Ron. I’m Gary, Veronica’s lover.

Ron Burgundy: So when were you going to tell me about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, you walked out on me. What did you expect me to do?
Gary: Ron, this is awkward, I know. I’m sitting here with your wife. We make love.
Ron Burgundy: I’m this close to shooting a flare gun at your d**k.

Veronica Corningstone: Gary is actually one of the most successful psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Gary: Oh, really sweet.
Ron Burgundy: Are you reading my mind right now?
Gary: Ron, do you even know what a psychologist is?
Ron Burgundy: F*** you.

Ron Burgundy: [to Gary] You knew I was going to throw that punch because you’re reading my mind!

Veronica Corningstone: Walter, your father has a gift for you.
Ron Burgundy: I have a gift specifically for you, Walter. There you go. Yes, Gary.
Veronica Corningstone: [Walter opens the box and takes out the lacy lingerie] Okay, that’s actually for me, Walter.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not. It’s for Walter. It’s a superhero costume.
Walter Burgundy: What is it?
Ron Burgundy: It’s Lace Man. It’s a brand new superhero.
Walter Burgundy: I’m going to be Lace Man!

Ron Burgundy: You, Veronica, are unfit to be a mother!
Veronica Corningstone: Need I remind you that you took that child to a cock fight?
Ron Burgundy: The game of champions!
Walter Burgundy: I’m Lace Man!
Ron Burgundy: He had the time of his life!
Veronica Corningstone: He came home splattered in blood!
Ron Burgundy: He picked eight winning cocks, it’s never been done!

Ron Burgundy: Goodbye, Walter, my little man. You promise to do good in school, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: And stay away from the he-shes down in the Bowery.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Gary: Ron, I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks, they got the curves, they got the chi-chi’s. And then at some point during the evening, you reach down below the belt looking to get a little muffellita, and you get a handful of the battle of the bulge. You hear what I’m saying, Walter?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I do.

Champ Kind: [referring to Jack] Look at him, he’s a goddamn prince!
Brian Fantana: Man, there’s just something about him, you know? I’d give anything to be friends with him.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t see what the big deal is. You know? He’s not that great.
Jack Lime: [turns to the group and shouts across the room] What did you say?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
Jack Lime: I heard you say something.
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.
Jack Lime: No, I heard you say something.
Brick Tamland: He said you’re not that great!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Jack Lime: Is that what you said about me?
Champ Kind: He’s coming over here.
Ron Burgundy: I know!
Jack Lime: I’m going to rip this guy in half.

Jack Lime: [to Ron] Aren’t you the guy who lost his job to his wife? Shouldn’t you be doing her makeup?
Freddie Shapp: Alright, guys. That’s enough.
Ron Burgundy: No, shut up, Freddie! And you can shut your mouth! Okay, Jack Lame!
Jack Lime: Yeah. Mr. Butt-V***na’s got some fight in him.

Ron Burgundy: [betting that his show will beat Jack’s show rating] If we lose, I’ll leave New York. And I’ll never read the news again.
Jack Lime: And if by some snowball’s chance in hell Mr. Mustache here pulls a miracle out of his a**?
Ron Burgundy: You change your name to Jack Lame, legally.
Jack Lime: I like this! You’re on, Stretch. Everyone heard him? Freddie, you heard him?

Jack Lime: This ain’t local news anymore. We s**t standing up here.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Brian Fantana: It’s a huge mess. But damn, is it cool!

Ron Burgundy: Does anyone else speak Australian?
Champ Kind: I thought they talked like us.
Kench Allenby: Can I get you to say with me, “How bloody are you?!”
Ron Burgundy: We can’t quite understand you.
Kench Allenby: How’s this? I’m Kench Allenby.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, yes!

Kench Allenby: I’m Kench Allenby and you all know my story. I’m a self-made man. My late, great father, Vadge Allenby, gave me three hundred million dollars, and I toiled my whole bloody life to turn that into three hundred and five million dollars. True story. True story. But this twenty-four hour news station, this is history. This is like Columbus discovering the New World. And the captain for this fantastic voyage is the best newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!

Ed Harken: Twenty-four hours of news. How are they going to keep coming up with this stuff?
Garth: My guess is they’ll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Ed Harken: No, I have a feeling they’ll stick with their integrity and only report the news that needs to be reported.

Ron Burgundy: What if we get one of those wildlife handlers? We have him bring in big cats, big game cats. You know, wild, dangerous tigers, and lions, and leopards, and the such. We let them loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens. We play rock music, and we just call it Let Her Rip.
Brian Fantana: I’d watch that. I’d watch that.
Freddie Shapp: Let Her Rip? You’re describing the end of civilization. That’s not news!
Ron Burgundy: If that’s the end of times, I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn, and a greasy half-live chicken leg.

Ron Burgundy: Freddie! Come on! We’re just brainstorming here. We’re trying to figure out how to make the news less boring, and you act like we peed in your milkshake.
Freddie Shapp: The news is supposed to be boring, Ron! This is serious stuff. You’re the one that made this stupid bet!

Ron Burgundy: Why do we have to tell the people what they need to hear? Why can’t we just tell them what they wan to hear?
Freddie Shapp: And what do they want to hear, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: That we live in the greatest country God ever created.
Champ Kind: Damn straight!
Freddie Shapp: Made him happy.
Ron Burgundy: And we should do stories on patriots. Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets. Why blonds have more fun.
Brian Fantana: And serious investigative pieces. About how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.
Champ Kind: And only the best sports highlights. Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns, and no soccer.

Ron Burgundy: People love hurricanes. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we’ll throw Brick right in the middle of it.
Brian Fantana: You’d do that?
Ron Burgundy: People will go nuts. I’d watch that!
Freddie Shapp: No, this goes against every rule of broadcast journalism I know.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie, as the wise man once said, “So?”

Chani Lastnamé: Tell me something about you.
Brick Tamland: Well, I’m nineteen years-old. My middle name is Courtney. I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it’s not right. What about you?
Chani Lastnamé: My name is Chani Lastnamé. I’m a real go-getter and a person people. I can type fifty words a minute with only three hundred errors. I’m trained and certified…
Brick and Chani: To fire a military-grade missile launcher.
Brick Tamland: Me too.

Chani’s Boss: Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week. You mailed them to me?
Chani Lastnamé: How else was I going to get them to you?
Chani’s Boss: You hand them to me.
Chani Lastnamé: Oh.

Brick Tamland: [referring to Chani] She has butterflies in her heart!

Chani Lastnamé: [referring to her boss] You saved my life. She was trying to set me on fire.
Brick Tamland: I didn’t ask for these powers. I was given them.
Chani Lastnamé: Last night a bird chased me and I wished it was you.
Brick Tamland: Can we go to a date?
Chani Lastnamé: Yes.

Ron Burgundy: [as they’re about to go live] Dear God, please help me pull this off. I swear, if you help me, I will become a monk. I will shave my head and become a monk in your dedica… No. Who are we kidding? I’m not going to do that.

Ron Burgundy: Too much of the news is about what’s wrong with America.
Guy with Knife in Head: [watching Ron on TV] Amen, brother!
Ron Burgundy: Well, tonight, our top story is what’s right with America.
Redneck: [watching Ron on TV] Someone’s finally talking sense on the TV.
Ron Burgundy: For starters, we kick butt. Nazi butt. Russian butt.
GNN Director: What the hell is he doing?
GNN Crew Member: He’s talking about America. Why, do you have a problem with that?

Brian Fantana: [as their show continues] Tonight I begin part one of my eleven part series on the power and mystery of the human v***na. This series will be a tasteful look at just what makes a v***na tick, as well as a look at the fifty greatest v***nae of the 20th century.
Linda Jackson: [as she watches Brian on TV] Son of a b**ch!
Ron Burgundy: One final question, and I’ll let you go. Who tops the list of the top fifty greatest v***nas?
Brian Fantana: Well, I don’t want to give anything away.
Ron Burgundy: I thought I had you.
Brian Fantana: I will give you number two.
Ron Burgundy: Please.
Brian Fantana: Madame Curie.
Ron Burgundy: Of course. Of course.

Champ Kind: [giving recaps of baseball players hitting home runs] Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Back to you, Ron.

Brick Tamland: [doing a weather report] The wind is really windy.
Ron Burgundy: Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
Brick Tamland: I can’t hear you, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Okay. But you’re answering the question, so I think you can hear me.
Brick Tamland: No, I can!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, do you think there is any danger to the average person out there?
Brick Tamland: I’m afraid for the animals of New York, Ron. I saw a woman, and her dog never touched the ground.
Ron Burgundy: You’re saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet?
Brick Tamland: It looked like she was walking a dog balloon.

Ron Burgundy: Well, for all of us here at GNN, I’m Ron Burgundy. And don’t just have a great night, have an American night.

Linda Jackson: You changed the format of the entire show without consulting me? That’s unacceptable!
Ron Burgundy: Damn straight, sister. We just done went and brought it! And here’s the truth. You can’t handle it, little mama!

Linda Jackson: I’m going to make that mustache of yours all bloody.
Ron Burgundy: Well…
Brian Fantana: Seems like you’re buying time, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m not buying time.
Champ Kind: Ron, just do what men have been doing for thousands of years and punch the woman. Punch her!

Ron Burgundy: [after Linda punches him in the gut] Mama, your baby’s hurt! Your baby!
Champ Kind: What is that sound you’re making? Good Lord!
Brian Fantana: You sound like a balloon. Pull yourself together, man.
Linda Jackson: Security!
Ron Burgundy: They saw my pee-pee! The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!
Brian Fantana: Did you say that they saw your pee-pee?
Ron Burgundy: In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee!
Brian Fantana: [to Linda] You just knocked him back into fifth grade.

Kench Allenby: Bugger me with a didgeridoo. Well, we knew we’d struggle to start, but these ratings are lower than I’d even imagined.

Ron Burgundy: [after Linda fires them] Brian, any idea what you might do next?
Brian Fantana: Going to head back to LA. I got a good group of buddies out there. OJ Simpson, Phil Spector, Robert Blake.
Ron Burgundy: Sounds like a fun crew.
Brian Fantana: We go out cruising chicks. Call ourselves The Ladykillers.
Ron Burgundy: I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.
Brian Fantana: Hey, that’s not a bad idea.

Freddie Shapp: Forget it. Forget I was even here. Forget that GNN wants you back for a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
Ron Burgundy: Quit yanking our p**ises, Freddie! What’s the deal?
Brick Tamland: Yeah! Quit yanking our a**ses.
Freddie Shapp: No. No. I’m not yanking your…

Freddie Shapp: Your ratings went through the roof! I mean, people love what you did. You’re a success! Get it? You’re a great, big, fat success!
Ron Burgundy: By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
Freddie Shapp: It’s total crap, and they can’t stop watching!

Narrator: The news team had been famous in San Diego, but that was small time compared to New York. This fame was a rocket ship. A rocket ship that had free drinks and topless stewardesses.

Jack Lime: That’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Jack Lame.

Brick Tamland: [doing an advert for butter] I’m weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter. Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.
[without using his hands takes a bite out of the slab of butter]

Ron Burgundy: There’s something new on the New York social scene. It’s fun, relatively benign, and costs about as much as a soda pop at the local drugstore. Here’s Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone is lighting up to smoke crack. Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack and we’re going to smoke it right here in the studio.

Brian Fantana: [as they are about to light up the crack] Now, what you’re going to do is, you’re going to put your rock in the pipe. Is that where the phrase “Put it in your pipe and smoke it” comes from?
Brian Fantana: I don’t care.
Champ Kind: I love it when you do cooking segments.

Ron Burgundy: [as they’re smoking crack] Wow, that’s good. That’s good. That’s an immediate state of euphoria.
Brian Fantana: [as he gets high] You’ll be surprised at the effect. It happens very…
Ron Burgundy: It’s just refreshing.
GNN Director: They’re actually enjoying it.
GNN Crew Member: Of course they’re enjoying it. It’s crack.
Ron Burgundy: [we then see them being handcuffed and removed by policemen] Well, now we know, guys, you can’t smoke crack on live television.

Ron Burgundy: Hey, gang. You know what would make this great day even better?
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Perms for everyone!

Ron Burgundy: [as he enters Linda’s office] If this is about sweeps, I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story. It’s about airplane parts that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky and hitting the ground, people. We’re calling it Death From Above.

Linda Jackson: You don’t follow the format. You pretty much walk around like you’re king of the world.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just a worker bee, that’s all I am.
Linda Jackson: You know what?
Ron Burgundy: What?
Linda Jackson: [pushes Ron against window] I find it hot as s**t!
Ron Burgundy: Are you going to hurt me?
Linda Jackson: Here’s the thing, Mr. Burgundy. You’re a shooting star, and I want to go for a ride.
Ron Burgundy: God, I’m so afraid right now.

Ron Burgundy: [as Linda barks in his face] It’s sexual and yet frightening. It’s an odd mixture.

Freddie Shapp: Ron, Jack wants to know if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame. He’s really struggling with it, and it’s…
Ron Burgundy: No. Can’t. It’s a bet.
Jack Lime: Oh, Jesus!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to change it, you can.
Jack Lime: Like what?
Ron Burgundy: Art Areola.
Jack Lime: No! No, that’s worse! You know it’s worse!
Ron Burgundy: How about this one? You can call yourself D**k F***. Spell it P-H-U-C, you’ll be huge in the Vietnamese community.

Linda Jackson: Well. This meeting has been very productive. You can pick me up at eight.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, I’m very confused by what’s going on here.
Linda Jackson: Get out!

Ron Burgundy: I think our boss just raped me.
Champ Kind: What?!
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know what happened. All a bit of a blur. There was hands, and hair, and breath, and lips. And there might have been other people. I don’t know.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like she wants you.

Brian Fantana: Hey, man. Women have been all over me since we got crazy famous. Not to brag or anything, but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.
Ron Burgundy: That is in no way a brag, Brian. That’s horrible.
Brian Fantana: Hey, it’s just doing something beautiful, that two people do, except one of them has microscopic dust mites all over his p**is and testicles.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying, the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.
Brian Fantana: I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
Champ Kind: Sounds to me like it’s her fault for being a randy gal.

Brick Tamland: I have a date!
Champ Kind: Brick has a date?
Ron Burgundy: Good for Brick!
Brick Tamland: What’s a date?
Ron Burgundy: A date is simply when two people get together, do something social, have a few drinks, yada yada yada. Take their shirts off…

Brian Fantana: [opens his closet to reveal an array of condoms] First things first. We need to get you a little protection.
Ron Burgundy: Ah. There it is. Brian Fantana’s glorious cabinet of condoms. Oh, Brian, I know. How about The Hooded Guest?
Brian Fantana: I like the cut of your jib.
Ron Burgundy: That one is ultra-ribbed. It’s like you’re wearing an armadillo shell on your privates. It takes two hours to get on.
Brian Fantana: It’s hooded, she’ll never see you coming.

Brian Fantana: [referring to the condom] You thinking what I’m thinking?
Ron Burgundy: Lou Dobin’s Good Time Weiner Pouch, that’s a good one.
Brian Fantana: Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex. They’re made of denim, so they look better after each washing.
Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride.

Brian Fantana: I think I have it. Po’ Boy Condom.
Brian Fantana: It’s a terrific condom. Although it does burn a bit because it’s covered in Cajun spices.
Champ Kind: It’ll put a blister on your po’ boy.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, what’s the nickname for your p**is whenever you wear a Po’ Boy?
Brian Fantana: Fat Tuesday.

Brian Fantana: The Rigid Ghost. That’s the best damn rubber on the market. I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.
Ron Burgundy: But, Brian, isn’t that the whole point of wearing a condom? To not impregnate the woman?
Brian Fantana: Well, you know the old expression. Nope.

Brick Tamland: [he looks behind him] Where’s my map? There’s no map, it’s just green.
Ron Burgundy: No, there’s a map there. Look at the monitor.
Brick Tamland: [as he looks at the monitor, sees his leg have disappeared] Right. Oh, God. Ron, where’s my legs? Where are my legs?
Ron Burgundy: Your legs are there.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have any legs, Ron! I don’t even know how I’m standing up.
Ron Burgundy: No. Brick, your legs are fine. The color of your pants just matches the…
Brick Tamland: Ron, I don’t have any legs!

Ron Burgundy: Can I ask you a question? Is that your foot between my legs?
Linda Jackson: No.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m sorry. It was my hand.

Ron Burgundy: When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice.
Linda Jackson: Well, I don’t mind, because I am going to have you tonight.
Ron Burgundy: Then let’s leave and go have interracial sex!

Chani Lastnamé: [having their date in a laundromat] This is the nicest soda machine anyone’s ever taken me to.
Brick Tamland: The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.

Chani Lastnamé: Can I ask you a personal question?
Brick Tamland: I’m not sure what that is, but yes.
Chani Lastnamé: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Brick Tamland: Do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count?
Chani Lastnamé: Of course.
Brick Tamland: Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

Chani Lastnamé: I’ve only kissed people in my dreams. So, I’ve only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing. Always get your teeth involved.
Chani Lastnamé: I think I’m ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.
[suddenly grab each other and start kissing passionately]

Kench Allenby: I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running. You see, some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately. Is it a problem? Yeah. Is it being fixed? I don’t know. Probably. But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.
Linda Jackson: We can’t just pull the story, that would be unethical.
Kench Allenby: We own the news. We can do whatever we want, that’s one of the perks. It’s called “synergy”. One company working with another. To synergy.

Linda’s Mother: So, how long have you and Linda been dating?
Linda Jackson: Mother.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s alright. It’s a logical question. Ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly. And it gets hot, and sweaty, and stanky. There’s some stank on that love.
Linda’s Mother: What are you talking about?
Ron Burgundy: Let’s put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
Linda’s Father: Oh, now, we don’t have conversations like that over dinner.
Linda Jackson: What are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: I’m addressing the white elephant in the room. I’m breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation, and that’s all I’m doing.
Linda Jackson: Well, you’re coming off like a jerk.
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s going well.

Ron Burgundy: Look at big Papa down here. He’s saying to himself, “S**t! Look at this honky. Sitting at my table, eating my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?” I have. I have touched your daughter.
Linda Jackson: Honey…
Ron Burgundy: We have done things, Papa. You ain’t going to like. You ain’t going to like it none!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ d**k, and a fat wallet, and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. Let’s get some smoke going in this place, right?
Linda’s Brother: This ain’t no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?

Ron Burgundy: Oh, I don’t think that dinner could’ve gone any better.
Linda Jackson: Are you nuts?!
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m not! I had a wonderful evening!
Linda Jackson: My dad was kicking you in the head!
Ron Burgundy: I thought it was like being jumped into a gang, only with dinner guests!
Linda Jackson: You called my family “pipe-hitting b**ches”!
Ron Burgundy: I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.

Ron Burgundy: So your mom thought we should get together, spend a little time. She doesn’t think I connect with you as a child. Can you believe that bulls**t? This is hard. Things you say to a six year-old. Oh, guess what? I slept with a black woman.
Walter Burgundy: What?
Ron Burgundy: Nothing.

Walter Burgundy: Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
Ron Burgundy: Nope. Don’t care for him. Never have. Don’t like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh. He comes off like a real d**khead, real poser.
Walter Burgundy: What’s a poser?
Ron Burgundy: A poser is Gary, that’s what a poser is.

Ron Burgundy: By the way, how is that s**theel?
Walter Burgundy: What’s a s**theel?
Ron Burgundy: A s**theel is a real fun term that you should call Gary every time you see him. When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, “Oh, good morning, s**theel.” He’ll probably give you five dollar,s or some candy. Does that sound good?
Walter Burgundy: Yeah. You’re a s**theel, Dad. Good. You should just call Gary that, because it makes him really happy. It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.

Ron Burgundy: You really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I really do.
Ron Burgundy: Voodoo.
Walter Burgundy: Voodoo?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, voodoo. That s**t will mess you up, and it is one hundred percent real. Promise me that you’ll never go to Haiti.
Walter Burgundy: I promise, Dad.

Veronica Corningstone: [referring to Walter] What did you tell him?
Ron Burgundy: I didn’t tell him anything.
Veronica Corningstone: He hasn’t slept for four days, Ron! Everywhere we go, he asks me if we’re going to Haiti! What does that even mean?
Ron Burgundy: I am so sick and tired that you’ve sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!

Ron Burgundy: [referring to Walter] Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to be funny here. Are you sure he’s not a midget with a learning disability?
Veronica Corningstone: He is seven years-old, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Alright.

Jack Lime: Well, that’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m D**k Phuk.

Ron Burgundy: Let’s face it, I’m the one who gets the ratings. I’m starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.
Brick Tamland: Chani likes clowns, except for the scary ones.
Ron Burgundy: Shut up, Brick! Just shut up for once!
Brick Tamland: Ron yelled at me.
Ron Burgundy: You’re damn right I yelled at you!
Brian Fantana: You don’t yell at Brick. Are you still smoking crack?
Ron Burgundy: No. I only smoked crack that one time. That’s a lie. I’ve done it six more times.
Champ Kind: You made Brick cry. You’ve gone ratings crazy, Ron. But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?

Brian Fantana: You know what, Ron? We’re a news team, and that’s a bond for life. But I don’t like the man you’ve become. You know, we were happy when you found us. Right? I was taking pictures of pu**ies. Champ was serving bats to people. And Brick was dead. We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here. But I’m starting to realize, this was all about you, and beating Veronica at all costs. It had nothing to do with the news, it nothing to do with the team.

Brian Fantana: You know, I might not be the smartest guy, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I know that if you’re pleasuring a woman down south, you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet around the bubble. Around her bubble.
Brick Tamland: The vulva!
Brian Fantana: The Volvo.

Brian Fantana: I know that synergy is a completely made-up word. I know that washing your hands is for nerds, especially if you don’t mind pinkeye. And I know, that no matter what, you always stand by your friends.
Ron Burgundy: You’ll have to excuse me, Brian. I’ve got a sore back from carrying your a** around for the last fifteen years.
Brian Fantana: You know what, Burgundy? I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn’t, can’t even do anything with.
Ron Burgundy: Fine, go! I don’t need you! I’ll do the news by myself!

Ron Burgundy: [referring to the car chase] You know what? Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
Freddie Shapp: No. That’s not news, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Give it to me live, okay? And don’t question me again.
Freddie Shapp: Bill!
Narrator: Now to you, the modern viewer, reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace, but in 1980, it was unheard of.

Walter Burgundy: When is Dad going to be here?
Gary: He’ll be here. Are you a little upset? Do you want to do that thing where we sort of talk about our feelings?
Walter Burgundy: Oh, God, no.

Linda Jackson: Tell Ron to speculate who’s driving the car.
Freddie Shapp: [over earpiece] Ron, speculate on who’s driving the car.
Ron Burgundy: We believe the driver may be on drugs. He’s probably 6’7″, 6’8″. But a skinny 6’7″, 6’8″, about one-sixty. He may have a hostage or two, we don’t know.

Veronica Corningstone: Who covers a car chase? I am sitting here with the most important f***ing interview of my entire career, and they’re cutting to a car chase?
Yasser Arafat: I would like to watch the car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to shut your mouth.

Ron Burgundy: [referring to the car chase] And he just loses it! Wow! That’s exactly what we needed. It was getting a little boring.

Gary: I don’t think your dad’s coming. I’m sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.
Walter Burgundy: [throws a punch at Gary which he easily dodges] Stop reading my mind!
Gary: [suddenly the lights in the hall are turned off] Okay. I mean, this is what I worry about.
Walter Burgundy: Did you do that with your mind?
Gary: No.
Walter Burgundy: Liar.

Ron Burgundy: We’re just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman. He’s eighty years-old, and he was simply confused.

Narrator: In the myth of Icarus, Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, flew too high and the sun melted his wings. Burgundy’s fame was bigger than he ever imagined and the fall was dizzying.

Dr. Brangley: [after Ron’s accident] Well, Ron, it looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Dr. Brangley: No other way to put this, but you’re blind.
Ron Burgundy: Milton, I’m an anchorman! I read the news off the teleprompter. It’s what I do! How will I live?
Dr. Brangley: I’m no career counselor, but there are many things you can do. Be an oracle, or a mystic.

Narrator: The world of the blind. Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium, had forever entered this realm of darkness.

Brian Fantana: [two months after Ron’s blindness] Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron. Jack Lime’s been filling in for you since you’ve been gone. And you know, he’s really not such a bad guy after all. He goes by Jack Lamé now.
Ron Burgundy: Well, he shouldn’t be doing that. He should be going by Jack Lame.

Champ Kind: So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day? You’re just out here pretty much away from everything.
Ron Burgundy: Well, every day begins about the same. I wake up screaming in terror because of the blackness and I think I’m dead.
Champ Kind: Every day?
Ron Burgundy: Yes! Every day! And then I begin what’s called The Great Adventure. Making breakfast. I’ve eaten everything from nails to drink coasters. One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray, thinking it was a savory waffle. I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth.
Brian Fantana: Couldn’t you tell the ashtray wasn’t hot like a waffle?
Ron Burgundy: No! I couldn’t, because I’m blind! I’m not blind twenty-three hours a day, or twenty-two hours a day, I’m blind the whole Goddamn time!

Ron Burgundy: Do you have any idea what it’s like to drink a half a bottle of ketchup thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Châteauneuf-du- Pape? I even decanted it.
Brian Fantana: If you drank half a bottle of that’s like nine or ten gulps. I mean, you couldn’t tell that was ketchup?
Ron Burgundy: Did I stutter? I’m ba-lind!

Champ Kind: You’re having a tough time, Ron, I know.
Ron Burgundy: You know what the biggest indignity is? I can’t even m*****bate!
Brian Fantana: Why?
Ron Burgundy: Heck, one morning, I spent twenty minutes aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, where’s the sensation? Where’s the pleasure coming?
Brian Fantana: You rubbed your shin thinking it was a p**is?

Ron Burgundy: I know you think I’m stupid, don’t you?
Brian Fantana: No!
Ron Burgundy: The weirdo who lives in the weird lighthouse in the middle of nowhere.
Brian Fantana: Ron, it was your choice to live in a weird lighthouse.
Ron Burgundy: You know why I live here? Let me say it real slow, and real loud. I’m blind!

Champ Kind: I guess we should get out of here.
Ron Burgundy: Maybe you should go. Yes. Why don’t you guys get out of here! Despite my complete and utter isolation, your gentlemen’s visit has actually made it worse!

Ron Burgundy: I’m alone! Why have you done this to me, God? Why? Couldn’t you have cured a sick child, or created a new animal? But, no. You had to make Ron Burgundy blind!

Ron Burgundy: Cher, is that you?
Veronica Corningstone: You can’t recognize me by my voice?
Ron Burgundy: Jan-Michael Vincent?
Veronica Corningstone: Really?

Veronica Corningstone: Every news station is copying what you did, Ron. All the stories are about animals, or car chases, or strip clubs.
Ron Burgundy: The genie has been let out of the bottle, and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.

Veronica Corningstone: I’m here for our son, Ron. Walter needs you. I need you to start taking responsibility for him and for yourself.
Ron Burgundy: Do you realize you’re talking to a man who just, this morning, tried to brush his teeth with a live lobster?
Veronica Corningstone: What? You would’ve known that the second that you touched it.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying it’s not going to be a cakewalk.

Walter Burgundy: [referring to the baby shark] Can I name him?
Ron Burgundy: Of course you can, son.
Walter Burgundy: What about Crackers?
Ron Burgundy: Give me a goddamned break. Seriously, you’ve got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean, and you’re going to name him Crackers?
Walter Burgundy: In the future when you say I can name something, don’t be a d**k about it.

Ron Burgundy: [referring to the baby shark] Why don’t we do this? Let’s name him Doby.
Walter Burgundy: You talk all that smack, and that’s the best name you come up with?
Ron Burgundy: Well, we’re not going to get any better than that. I mean, you obviously can’t name him anything that sounds good.
Walter Burgundy: How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I don’t know what to do. We might as well poison the water and let him die.
Walter Burgundy: Woh, woh, woh. Let’s just go with Doby.

Narrator: Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight, he had never seen so clearly. And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron’s heart.

Ron Burgundy: [as he and Veronica kiss] What about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: We split up two weeks ago. He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying!

Ron Burgundy: [as they free Doby into the ocean] I hear his tail splashing! He’s actually swimming away! Is he looking back for us over his shoulder?
Veronica Corningstone: Sharks don’t have shoulders, Ron. No, he just swam away, and he’s instantly looking for fish to eat.
Walter Burgundy: He was my best friend.

Ron Burgundy: You swam with strength. You loved with grace. You touched us all with your expressionless face. Doby, oh, Doby. May you find many treasures. Both emotional and monetary. You were wise, and loving, and never contrary. Doby. Oh, Doby. I’ll never forget thee. No.

Walter Burgundy: [watching Doby swim away] I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby.

Ron Burgundy: [referring to Veronica deleting the message from the doctor] You lied to me! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, my smile, my seed. You lied to me.
Walter Burgundy: Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Sweetheart.
Walter Burgundy: No! Dad! Don’t leave, Dad! Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, sweetheart, we have to let him go. He needs to go free, just like Doby.
Walter Burgundy: [as they hear Ron drive off] He’ll be back, he promised.
Ron Burgundy: [after he crashes the car] Could you please call me a damn cab? I’m blind!

Chani Lastnamé: [after Ron regains his sight and returns to GNN] Brick and I are having a baby! We’re going to name him Tortilla Jackson.
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m twenty-two months pregnant.

Veronica Corningstone: Please, don’t take this the wrong way. But if you touch Ron again, I will shoot you in the cooch with a BB gun.
Linda Jackson: Oh, you can talk big all you want, but guess what? This kitten’s got claws, b**ch.
Veronica Corningstone: Don’t mess with me, Linda, because this White Thunder rolls deep and it rolls nasty.
Ron Burgundy: I was feeling a little bit down, but this is definitely picking up my mood.

Freddie Shapp: Actress Sheila Blackledge, you know, the mom from the hit sitcom Four’s a Family, Five’s a Crowd? She just found out her husband cheated on her, and she severed his p**is while he slept!
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness.
Freddie Shapp: The police arrived, she fled in her white Bronco, and now they’re engaged in a high-speed car chase! We’ve got an exclusive on the live feed. But we’ve got to go, right now! Ron, this can be your comeback.

Ron Burgundy: Good evening, America. After some time off, it’s good to be back with you. I’m Ron Burgundy. We have a story tonight involving an affair, a cut-off p**is, a TV star, and a car chase.

Ron Burgundy: You see, folks, I’ve read a lot of news in my day, but it’s taken me until now to realize what real news is. Real news is supposed to let people know what the powerful are up to, so that power doesn’t become corrupt. But what happens when the powerful own the news?
Kench Allenby: Oh, you piece of s**t!
Freddie Shapp: S**t, he’s blowing the whole thing up.

Ron Burgundy: Recently, I’ve been on a bit of a personal journey. I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman. I became blind. I bottle fed and raised a shark. And I smoked a fair amount of crack. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that there was an emptiness left after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see my child’s recital, and tell the woman I love that I still love her. Good night, America, and never forget, you deserve the truth.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, also, one other thing. Koala Airlines is a really s**tty airline.
Kench Allenby: You son of a b**ch! You son of a b**ch!

Ron Burgundy: Guys, I’m sorry. For a while there, I don’t know what became of Ron Burgundy. Brick, I’m sorry I yelled at you. Brian, no reason why I killed that story of yours, it was excellent reporting. And, Champ, I’m sorry I said no to all those offers for late night deep-tissue rubdowns.
Brick Tamland: Ron, you’re a good man. But you have fallen victim to your own ego, and your own hubris, and before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself.
Ron Burgundy: What was that, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I’m wearing two pairs of pants.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you.

Brian Fantana: So that’s it, huh? You’re sorry? You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like a**holes. Everyone’s got one and everyone’s got a shoe box full of Polaroids of them under the bed.

Brick Tamland: I’m Brick Tamland for GNN News. The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Linda Jackson: Once again, Mr. Burgundy, you are the ballsiest white man I’ve ever known.
Ron Burgundy: What the hell? One more for old times’ sake.
[he grabs her, kisses her, walks away]

Ron Burgundy: I don’t have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.
Jack Lime: Well, that’s funny, because I got nowhere to be. Because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making me call myself Jack Lame? It was a living hell!

Champ Kind: Ain’t a day that will be or has been that we don’t have Ron Burgundy’s back.
Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I’m done with these mutts, I’m going to wipe my shoes on the curb.
Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I’m done with you, my mom’s going to pick me up and take me home.

BBC News Anchor: [as Ron and Jack’s team are about to attack each other] Wait! Here’s a headline for you, “Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader From a Superior Country.” For we are the BBC News Service!
Ron Burgundy: [as the BBC news team yells] No. Not now.

MTV Host: If y’all are going to get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in.
Brian Fantana: What’s MTV?
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s a venereal disease.
MTV Host: The most requested video of the day, a new band called “Burgundy’s Sucking Chest Wound.”

Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: It wouldn’t be a battle without Jill Janson.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.
BBC News Anchor: Entertainment news is an abomination!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it’s your own blood!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: Today’s celebrity birthdays, none. Today’s celebrity deaths, all you d**k-licks.
Brian Fantana: I like the way they’re put together.

Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I like to c*** punt cowboys.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: You eat pu**y?
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: You’re going to.

Scott Riles: Hey! There’s not going to be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
Female Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles: Give it a rest, hey?
Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can’t have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles: We’re going to mop the floor with you! We’re going to put the boots to you! Sorry.
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry. We’re going to gouge your eyes out and kick your head in!
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
Brick Tamland: I like your ginger ale!

ESPN Reporter: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight’s play of the day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body.
Brian Fantana: Holy s**t, there’s a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy: It’s true, the market is becoming saturated.

History Channel Reporter: Hey, the History Network wants in on this. We’re news too. Only news told much, much later.
Ron Burgundy: Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
History Channel Reporter: Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
Jack Lime: I don’t know about this, man. The Minotaur isn’t even history! He’s mythology!

Ron Burgundy: Let’s not downplay the fact that that’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.

Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You’re too old for this!
Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there’s the thing. When there’s an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind: He’s on our side, right, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: [suddenly Tannen turns into a were-hyena] He’s a were-hyena!
MTV Host: I’m going to call Michael Jackson. I got a video idea.

Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I’m so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
Scott Riles: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry.
Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: [as she blows her horn] I am El Trousias! Hear my siren song!

Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?
Brick Tamland: It’s a gun from the future.
MTV Host: No fair! He’s got a gun from the future!
Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?

The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: [as the news teams are fighting] Fill that gap! Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning! There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son. Release your soul to me.

Brian Fantana: [as the news teams are fighting] Sex Panther powers activate.

Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! Everyone, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! Why do we have to fight? There’s so much I could learn from you.

BBC News Anchor: In the name of Margaret Thatcher…
Ron Burgundy: No!
BBC News Anchor: I sentence you to death!
Ron Burgundy: Please, no!

Gary: [as the news teams are fighting] You and I never got along, but using the power of my mind, I was able to see in the future that you would do good. Now, go.
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Gary: Go to your son’s recital.
Ron Burgundy: I knew you had mind powers!
Gary: And make it the greatest day of your life!

Wes Mantooth: Old MacDonald had a farm. And then four guys on bikes showed up.
Ron Burgundy: Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!
Jack Lime: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? This is a national news fight.
Wes Mantooth: You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.
Ron Burgundy: It’s actually pronounced San Diago.

Wes Mantooth: Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything, but we share the bond of being from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.
Jack Lime: Well, ain’t that cute? But you’re outnumbered three to one. Why don’t you go back to your mama?
Wes Mantooth: Don’t you use my mom’s name in vain. Dorothy Mantooth was a hard working single woman who raised seven children on her own, and she remained sexually active till the day she died.
Ron Burgundy: She brought pole dancing into the mainstream.

Wes Mantooth: Now here’s the thing. While I’ve been talking, my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet. I drop this smoke and every one of you goes poof.
Jack Lime: Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman. You drop that smoke, you die too.
Wes Mantooth: With the things I’ve done in my life? Oh, I know I’m going to burn in hell. So I sure as s**t ain’t afraid to burn here on Earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! That’s the most bada** thing I have ever heard.
Jack Lime: Alright! Looks like this fight’s over.

Ron Burgundy: [after Walter’s piano recital] Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here. And I’d do it again.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, together we can defeat voodoo!

Narrator: Ron had finally learned how to love his son and his wife more than his career. And as it turned out, his walking off the news was the highest-rated TV event of the year. He and his news team, along with Veronica, could have any job they wanted. But before that, they had one little thing to take care of.

Chani Lastnamé: [at their wedding] My dearest Brick, everything I have is yours. My four lawnmowers, my sister, my thirty-five ferrets. My massive student loan and real estate debt. It’s all yours.
Brick Tamland: Oh, Chani. I will never forget the exact moment I saw you. My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought, “Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick.”

Champ Kind: [as Ron sees Doby and starts swimming towards him] Ron! That’s a shark!
Veronica Corningstone: He will eat you!
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
Champ Kind: Oh, my God! The shark actually recognizes him!
Brian Fantana: Nope. He’s viciously attacking him.

Narrator: If a man dies with love in his heart, does he truly die? Absolutely! But on this day, Ron Burgundy’s grapple with this denizen from the deep was halted by twenty-eight pounds of furry providence.

Ron Burgundy: [as he’s swimming away from Doby] I bottle-fed you! Ah! Baxter!
Baxter: [barks, subtitles] I banish thee, Doby.
Ron Burgundy: [Doby swims off and Baxter swims into Ron’s arms] Baxter! Baxter! Ah! Yes!
Baxter: [barks, subtitles] I seriously question why I maintain this friendship!
Ron Burgundy: I know! I know, I love you too. Come on.

Ron Burgundy: [post-credits lines] You guys think that what, I don’t know how to use a computer. Hey, fellas? I just saw Jack Lime out there. He’s a goddamn iceman. Scared the crap out of me.

Trailer: