Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Christina Applegate, Dylan Baker, Meagan Good, Judah Nelson, James Marsden, Greg Kinnear, Josh Lawson, Kristen Wii, Fred Willard, Chris Parnell, Harrison Ford, Bill Kurtis, Sacha Baron Cohen, Marion Cotillard, Will Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Carrey, Tina Fey, Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler, John C. Reilly, Vince Vaughn, Kanye West

OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆

Story:

Comedy sequel directed and co-written by Adam McKay. The story continues the adventures of broadcaster Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) who now with his wife, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), co-anchor the national news in New York. However, things change drastically when Veronica is promoted and Ron fired which leads to them separating. Feeling rejected Ron’s life falls apart until he’s given a second chance when he’s offered the job to work at the world’s first 24-hour news network which leads to Ron reassembling his Channel 4 news team, Champ Kind (David Koechner), Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd) and Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), and proving their total incompetence is actually a perfect fit for the 24-hour news cycle.

 

Best Quotes   (Total Quotes: 132)


 

[first lines]
Narrator: [voice over] There are many places we could begin the next chapter of the legend of Ron Burgundy. This is one such place.
[we see Ron screaming as he frantically tries to swim away from a shark]
Narrator: [voice over] However, we won’t begin our tale here. No, our story begins in a place all newsmen dream of. In New York City.
[we see Ron and Veronica walking together in New York City]
Soul Brother: Ron Burgundy! That lady’s got a ass like the Loch Ness Monster. Thing is mysterious and ever sought after.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, aren’t you going to say something to him?
Ron Burgundy: Hey, when you’ve got an ass like the North Star, wise men are going to want to follow it.
Narrator: [voice over] It was a time before cell phones and steroids. And for Ron and his now wife Veronica, life was good.


 

[Ron and Veronica are preparing for broadcasting the news at the World Broadcast news station]
Ron Burgundy: The Tooth Fairy’s exposed breast made the child uncomfortable. The bishop wore buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah. Bat mitzvah. The garden gnome had a normal size penis. The garden gnome had a normal size penis.
[Veronica starts doing voice exercises]
Veronica Corningstone: Corningstone. Corningstone.
[Ron also starts making high pitch noises]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, no! Oh, no! They’re coming in through the back door! Oh, no! Oh, no! Grab the children! Save the children!
WBC Stage Manager: Five, four…
[turning to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Have a great broadcast.
Veronica Corningstone: You, too, darling.
[the stage manager uses to his finger to count down and signal going live]
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. This is the weekend edition of WBC News at six-thirty. I’m Ron Burgundy.
Veronica Corningstone: And I’m Veronica Corningstone. Our top story tonight. The U.N. today announced sanctions against…
[the stage manager turns to their boss, Mack Tannen]
Mack Tannen: When the broadcast is over, send these two up to my office. Time to make a change.


 

[on the elevator as they go to meet with Tannen]
Ron Burgundy: Rumor has it that after thirty-five years of manning the helm, Mack Tannen is thinking about stepping down.
Veronica Corningstone: That’s right. Do you, do you think we could be, we could be getting the Nightly News, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: I think that’s exactly what’s about to happen.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my God. That’s what’s happening, isn’t it?
Ron Burgundy: That’s what I think is about to happen. I’m hyperventilating.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I see that. Please calm down.
Ron Burgundy: Look at me.
Veronica Corningstone: You… Well.
[Ron starts laughing in a strained manner]
Ron Burgundy: I’m laughing like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Veronica Corningstone: You are. Let’s stop that before we get in there. Don’t do that in there, darling.


 

[as they meet with Tanning]
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.
Mack Tannen: I’ve been doing the evening news now for over thirty-five years.
Ron Burgundy: Done a hell of a job.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, sir.
Ron Burgundy: A hell of a job!
Mack Tannen: I’ve gone through four wives. I have six or seven kids that I haven’t got the time to tell I love them.
Veronica Corningstone: To be honest, they sound a little needy.
Mack Tannen: I killed four men in Okinawa.
Ron Burgundy: W-W-Two.
Mack Tannen: And that was two weeks ago. The point is, this is a very demanding job.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Mack Tannen: But I’m close to thinking that you may have what it takes. Now, let me look at you.
[suddenly Tanning comes up close to Ron’s face]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my God. Would it be wrong to say you smell terrific?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, please!
Ron Burgundy: Okay.


 

[as he’s looking closely at Ron]
Mack Tannen: What are you? Finnish?
Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough, I’m hundred percent full-blown Mexican, from the state of Oaxaca.
Veronica Corningstone: No, you’re not, honey.
[Tanning moves over to Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: Hello, sir. Oh, my heart is racing.
[Tanning bends down to look closely at Veronica, he touches her neck]
Ron Burgundy: I just have to say, this is super creepy and unorthodox.
[Veronica looks at Ron as if to say “be quiet”]
Ron Burgundy: You like-a da merchandise, huh?
[Tanning gives Ron a cold look]
Ron Burgundy: Sorry.


 

[after he finishes inspecting Veronica]
Mack Tannen: Alright. We’re about to make network news history. Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes?
Mack Tannen: You’re going to be the first female full-time network news anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Mack Tannen: And you, Mr. Burgundy…
Ron Burgundy: I’m going to be the first lactose intolerant anchor.
Mack Tannen: Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Yes?
Mack Tannen: You’re fired.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
Mack Tannen: Fired. You are the worst anchorman I have ever seen.
Ron Burgundy: But what did I do wrong? Name one thing.


 

[we see footage of Ron yelling the news because the teleprompter text was in all caps]
Ron Burgundy: Korean soldiers were fired upon in the DMZ!
[he stops reading the text]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, jeez. I am so sorry. Someone put the story in all capital letters, and I, I thought I was supposed to yell it.
[we see another footage of Ron as he’s reading the news]
Ron Burgundy: President Parter… Oh, shit! I mean, President Carter will speak at the summit Tuesday.
[looks off camera to the stage manager]
Ron Burgundy: Tony, did I just curse? Are you kidding me? Shit! I mean, shit. Shoot!
[we see another footage of Ron as he’s reading the news]
Ron Burgundy: The slain Civil Rights leader was eulogized…
[suddenly Ron sneezes onto the camera lens]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, wow! Did you see that? Right on the lens!
[then another footage of Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Folks, I’m sorry. I hold myself to a high professional standard and you shouldn’t hear that language, okay? I’m having a shitty day. Oh, fuck-stick!


 

[to Ron and Veronica]
Mack Tannen: Now, I know this is tricky given your relationship, so I’m going to give you the evening to think about it.
[cuts to Ron and Veronica entering their home]
Ron Burgundy: I forbid it!
Veronica Corningstone: You forbid it? What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
Ron Burgundy: Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don’t follow the NBA.
Veronica Corningstone: Look, I am so sorry that this happened, Ron. But you and I, we’re partners, sweetheart. And when something good happens to me, it also happens to you.
Ron Burgundy: That’s ridiculous! It clearly just happened to you!
Veronica Corningstone: You’re…
[to Ron as they hear someone walking downstairs]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, be quiet.
Walter Burgundy: Mom?
Lupita: I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy. He don’t go to sleep.
Ron Burgundy: Dammit, Lupita. What have you been doing up there, eating nachos?
Walter Burgundy: Mommy? Daddy? Why are you yelling at each other? Did Mom touch Dad’s hair again?
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, honey, why don’t you just go to bed, alright? Mommy and Daddy are just having a discussion.
Ron Burgundy: No! He needs to hear this. He’s six years old, he’s a man.


 

Ron Burgundy: Walter, listen to me. Life isn’t a fairy tale, it’s not a bunch of jumping rope and grabbing ass. It’s complicated. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?
Walter Burgundy: I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy!
Ron Burgundy: You’re never going to be any of those, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Ron Burgundy: You’ve got to set the bar a lot lower. Service industry, fry cook, prison guard. Maybe you’re a lighting guy at a porn shoot. Which basically means you hold up a flashlight while adults do things.
Veronica Corningstone: He is a child, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Nah, nah, nah, nah! He’s got hair on his nugs. He’s old enough to hear this.
Lupita: Your father is a wise man.
[to Lupita]
Veronica Corningstone: I will lock you in a closet!
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, here’s the bottom line. It’s a very simple decision. It’s either me or the job.
Veronica Corningstone: It doesn’t have to be a choice, Ron. Don’t do this. Don’t throw away everything that we’ve worked so hard for.
Ron Burgundy: Me, or the job.


 

[six months later; at Sea World]
Announcer: Hello, and welcome to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at Sea World, sponsored by British Petroleum. BP Oil, nature’s best friend. And now, here’s your host, Ron Burgundy.
[a drunk Ron appears holding his microphone in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other]
Ron Burgundy: Good afternoon, everyone. And welcome to world famous Sea World, here in San Diago, California. Here’s a fun fact, dolphins aren’t fish, they’re mammals. Here’s another fun fact, I haven’t felt the loving embrace of a human being in over three months.
[he starts sobbing and the people in the crowd look at him with confusion]
Ron Burgundy: I’m so lonely I paid a hobo to spoon with me. Let’s bring out our world class trainers here, Jesse and Paula.
[the two women walk onto the platform]
Sea World Trainer: Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Sometimes I try to kiss ’em.
[Ron starts to laugh and the trainer laughs awkwardly with him]
Sea World Trainer: Ron Burgundy, everyone.
Ron Burgundy: I want to kiss you.
Sea World Trainer: No.
Ron Burgundy: Or I’ll kiss your friend.
Sea World Trainer: No.
[to the crowd]
Ron Burgundy: How about the two trainers kiss each other? What do you say, huh?
[some of the crowd starts cheering]


 

Sea World Trainer: So, let’s say hello to the stars of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
[the two dolphins appears from under the water]
Ron Burgundy: For your information, Chippy was rehabilitated and Roo-roo is an asshole.
[the crowd claps as the dolphins swim around the pool on their tail]
Ron Burgundy: Wooh! Look, they’re swimming and doing tricks. Folks, what do you expect? They’re dolphins.
[one of the dolphins comes to the edge of the pool and starts squeaking]
Ron Burgundy: What did you say? Look at you, with that permanent smile. You think you’re so smart with your secret language. You just fart out of the top of your head.
[Ron starts mocking the dolphin by blowing raspberries and the crowd starts booing him]
Sea World Kid #1: You’re a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Sea World Kid #2: Booooo…
Sea World Kid #3: Children and animals hate you, Ron Burgundy!
Ron Burgundy: I would eat dolphins if it was legal!


 

[Ron is being escorted into his dressing room by two Sea World guards]
Ron Burgundy: Unhand me, you buffoons!
[they throw Ron to the ground]
Sea World Manager: Alright, first, you threw up in the shark tank. Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro? And now this? You’re fired, you washed-up drunk!
[he turns to leave the room]
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, Trevor?
[the manager leaves the room and shuts the door]
Ron Burgundy: Every morning I get here a half hour early and I sexually assault a starfish!
[Ron decides to hang himself from the fluorescent light]
Ron Burgundy: This is the end of the road, I’m not turning back.
[his dog starts barking as Ron ties the rope around the fluorescent light]
Ron Burgundy: Well, I know it’s not a pretty sight. And you’re going to be the sole witness. If you can’t handle it, you leave the room.
[his dog starts whining as Ron puts the other end of the rope around his neck]
Ron Burgundy: It’s too late, Baxter. I’m going the way of the ancient samurai who, when dishonored, would hang themselves from a fluorescent light.
[Baxter barks at him]
Ron Burgundy: Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
[as Ron jumps off the chair his weight causes the light to break and he falls to the floor]
Ron Burgundy: Sweet cream on nipples!


 

[after Ron’s failed suicide attempt Freddie Shapp enters the room]
Freddie Shapp: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I…
[he notices Ron on the floor with the rope still around his neck and broken glass everywhere]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, my God! What the hell happened?
Ron Burgundy: Um, uh, um, I tried to hang myself? Because my life’s a mess? And I saw no other option?
Freddie Shapp: I think you’re telling the truth, but why are you saying it like you’re lying?
Ron Burgundy: It was a call for help? But it didn’t work cause I’m too heavy and the ceiling lamp broke? Something like that?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah…
Ron Burgundy: Yeah, yeah.
Freddie Shapp: I think you’re telling the truth.
Ron Burgundy: Well, yeah. That’s what happened.


 

[later Ron and Freddie are eating at a diner]
Ron Burgundy: These are first-rate flapjacks. I’m telling you, suicide makes you hungry, I don’t care what anyone says.
Freddie Shapp: My name is Freddie Shapp, and I’m a producer of a new kind of news. We’re starting a twenty-four hour news channel, first of its kind. GNN, The Global News Network.
[Ron starts laughing]
Ron Burgundy: That is without a doubt the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You mean news going twenty-four hours around the clock? A channel that’s never off, in other words?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah. Yeah. Just twenty-four hours, it’s, it’s,, uh,
[Ron laughs again]
Ron Burgundy: No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.
Freddie Shapp: Mr. Burgundy, I assure you we are a hundred percent for real. We’ve got state of the art facilities in Manhattan, and Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire and owner of Koala Airlines.
Ron Burgundy: So glad he was acquitted of murder. I’m a big Kench Allenby guy.
Freddie Shapp: He’s funding the whole network. He believes in it.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t think you understand, Freddie. My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was the worst journalist he’d ever seen. I’m not good enough.
[Shapp opens his briefcase and takes out an envelope]
Freddie Shapp: Here. This is your, uh, first week’s salary.
[he hands the envelope to Ron who opens it and looks at the cash]
Ron Burgundy: By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
Freddie Shapp: What do, what do you say, Ron?
[Ron hesitates a moment before replying]
Ron Burgundy: I’ll take the job. And I swear I’ll be number one again. I’ll take back my son, restore my reputation and make everything right with Veronica. But more importantly, I’m going to do what God put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do; have salon-quality hair and read the news.
Freddie Shapp: Ron, you’ve made my day.
Ron Burgundy: I’ve got the best damn news team in the world.
Freddie Shapp: Your call.
Ron Burgundy: I just have to find them.


 

[Ron drives in his truck to San Diego]
Ron Burgundy: San Diago.
[to Baxter who’s sat on the passenger seat next to him]
Ron Burgundy: Looks like we begin our search right here at home. Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired for being drunk on the air and saying, “The only Olympic sport Filipinos are good at is eating cats and dogs.”
[Baxter barks; we then see Champ doing an advert for his fried chicken restaurant called Whammy Chicken]
Champ Kind: Who loves chicken? You do!
Whammy Chicken Girls: We do!
Champ Kind: Delicious chicken, swing on through! Meet the crew! I’m local San Diego legend Champ Kind, and I believe in two things: good chicken, and that the census is a way for the U.N. to make your children gay. So come on by and grab a wing. Cause when you do, you’ll say, “Whammy!” No Catholics or Jews admitted.
[we then see Champ serving a customer as his ad plays on the TV in the background]
Champ Kind: Alright, there you go. One Whammy Special with Whammy Slaw.
Whammy Chicken Customer: There’s a used Band-Aid in my coleslaw!
Champ Kind: Oh, my gosh. Let me take care of that.
[Champ bends to take something from behind the counter and suddenly brings out baseball bat]
Champ Kind: Get out of here before I smash your head in, you Commie bastard! If you’re from the census, you take me off your list!
[the customer runs out and at that moment Ron walks in]


 

Ron Burgundy: You never did have much of a bedside manner, Champ.
Champ Kind: Ron? Ron Burgundy? Get over here!
Ron Burgundy: How are you, friend?
[they embrace and Champ holds on tightly to Ron]
Champ Kind: God, I have longed for you.
Ron Burgundy: It’s good to see you, too.
[as Champ holds onto Ron with longing]
Champ Kind: Oh, this feels like home. Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Are you alright?
Champ Kind: Yeah, I’m fine. Better now.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, let’s break the huddle here, huh?
Champ Kind: Yeah. Okay.
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
[as Champ is reluctant to let go, Ron pulls Champ’s hands off him]
Champ Kind: You get back here!
[Champ goes to grab Ron again but Ron pushes his hand away again]
Ron Burgundy: Don’t be weird!


 

[later Champ and Ron are sat in Champ’s restaurant]
Champ Kind: So, anyway, Harken sat me down, he said, “Champ, you’re a dangerous alcoholic, a racist and I don’t think you know a lick about sports.”
Ron Burgundy: Mm.
Champ Kind: And I said, “Ed, you dirty Polack, it’s ten in the morning. Let’s go have some drinks, go to a baseball game where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns.” Then he fires me. Fortunately, on the way out the door, I fake a work injury. With the settlement, I bought this place.
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m glad to see you landed on your feet, Champ.
Champ Kind: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Listen, uh, can I ask you a question?
Champ Kind: Sure. Anything.
[he holds up one of the fried chickens being served at Whammy Chicken]
Ron Burgundy: Is this chicken?
Champ Kind: Hell, no. It’s really impossible to turn a profit if you serve real chicken. Yeah. We use mainly bats.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Champ Kind: Yeah. But the good quality kind.
Ron Burgundy: That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard.
Champ Kind: Yeah? You got to do what you got to do, right?
Ron Burgundy: So what you got to do is serve fried bats?
Champ Kind: Yep.


 

Champ Kind: Do you know what they call bats?
Ron Burgundy: Bats.
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.
Ron Burgundy: No one calls them Chicken of the Cave. Who’s “they,” by the way?
Champ Kind: There’s a guy I met named Paco, sells bikers speed at the pier.
Ron Burgundy: So that guy calls them Chicken of the Cave.
Champ Kind: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not “they.”
Champ Kind: Why don’t you have a bite and stop judging it?
Ron Burgundy: I’m not going to bite into a fried bat.
Champ Kind: It’s delicious.
Ron Burgundy: It’s all tendon, look at it.
[suddenly a bat flies through the restaurant and out the door making the customers gasp in shock]
Ron Burgundy: Was that a bat?
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.


 

Ron Burgundy: What brings you here, Ron?
Champ Kind: My friend, we’ve got a job, in New York City.
Ron Burgundy: Whammy! I’m in! You’ve got yourself a sportscaster.
[he shakes Ron’s hand]
Champ Kind: Oh, great.
[Champ turns to one of his employees]
Champ Kind: Denny!
[he throws the keys to Denny]
Champ Kind: Lock up!
Ron Burgundy: Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
Champ Kind: You haven’t heard? Fantana hit the big time.


 

[we see Brian in a photography studio holding a camera]
Brian Fantana: Oh, baby. Yeah, that’s it, play for me. Just play around. Roll around and lift those legs up. Mm. You are a hairy little thing, aren’t you?
[we see he’s taking photos of kittens]
Brian Fantana: Yeah. Oh, I like what’s happening! Oh, that’s it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you little fuzzball, that’s… Oh! I got it.
[as he finishes his crew clap for him]
Brian Fantana: It’s not getting any better than that.
Brian’s Female Assistant: That’s brilliant!
Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah.
[just then Ron and Champ walk in]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, Brian, you have any time for the little people?
[Brian looks surprised for a moment]
Brian Fantana: Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch.
[Brian and Ron laugh as they embrace]
Champ Kind: Hey, Brian.
Brian Fantana: Champ!
[Brian embraces Champ]
Champ Kind: Hi, how you doing?
[Champ then turns to embrace Ron]
Champ Kind: Hey!
Brian Fantana: This is a…
[Ron tries to push Champ away]
Ron Burgundy: Cool it!


 

Brian Fantana: Oh, I can’t believe it. Oh, wow! It’s great to see you! Welcome. Welcome to my doje.
Ron Burgundy: Wow, this place is spectacular!
Champ Kind: It’s amazing.
Brian Fantana: A bit chaotic today. We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out, you know how that can be.
Ron Burgundy: Mm.
Champ Kind: I’ve been living in a tent for the last two years.
Brian Fantana: Oh, yeah, this is not that.
[Brian then shows them around his house]
Brian Fantana: We got a sauna in the kitchen. A lot of people think that’s weird, but uh..I keep wine in it. I’m not a wine guy, but I know you got to keep it hot.
Ron Burgundy: Right.
Brian Fantana: Oh, and check this out. This was fun.
[he points to photo framed photo of a kitten stuck in a fish bowl with the caption “I hate Mondays!”]
Brian Fantana: We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
Ron Burgundy: Wow.
Champ Kind: You know what they call cats? Chicken of the rail yard.
Ron Burgundy: No.
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Don’t indulge him.
Brian Fantana: Yeah.
Champ Kind: There’s a lot of meat…
Brian Fantana: But I love it.
Ron Burgundy: And what’s so great about it is it’s so damn true. I hate Mondays. I’m not a Monday guy.
Champ Kind: Ron hates Mondays. Hell, I’m not crazy about ’em, either. I also don’t like Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays.
[they all laugh]


 

Brian Fantana: So why are you guys here, anyway?
Ron Burgundy: Well, Brian, we’re getting the news team back together again.
Brian Fantana: Really?
Ron Burgundy: And, of course, we want to know if you’ll join us.
Brian Fantana: Jeez, I don’t know. I kind of got the world by the tail her. I don’t know if I can.
Champ Kind: Christ, I get it. I mean, you’re the Quincy Jones of cat photographers. Why would you leave all this?
Ron Burgundy: Hey, Brian, I don’t know if you heard, but New York has all-nude strip clubs.
[we see Brian has joined Ron and Champ as Ron drives them to their next location]
Ron Burgundy: The question still remains, where’s Brick Tamland?
Brian Fantana: Oh. You guys didn’t hear?
Champ Kind: No, what happened?
Brian Fantana: Brick’s dead.


 

[at Brick’s funeral we see on his headstone it has the engraving “I like toasters. I also like mittens because they are easy to put on.”; to Ron and Champ]
Brian Fantana: Brick was lost at sea about a year ago. Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it, he never came back.
[they listen as their old boss, Ed Harken, says a few words]
Ed Harken: We all loved Brick, even though he never had a phone number or address or a social security number. In six years of working at the station, he never cashed a paycheck.
Ron Burgundy: That sweet Brick.
Ed Harken: He was a sensitive man, though. He told me he wanted to donate his organs to science before he died, so he could see where they ended up. He’ll long be remembered and he’ll be sorely missed.
[Ed turns steps aside and then next person to step up to say a few words is Brick]
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Reverend.
Brian Fantana: Oh.
Ed Harken: Oh, come on!
[everyone looks frustrated]
Brick Tamland: Brick was a great man.
Ron Burgundy: Really?
Brick Tamland: And I will miss him so much. And I will not rest until I find his killer.
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: His killer?
Brick Tamland: It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.
Brian Fantana: He’s not gone!
[Brick starts weeping]
Brick Tamland: I feel that I just saw him yesterday!
Ron Burgundy: You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.
Brick Tamland: When I got the news, I didn’t even know how to make sense out of it!
Brian Fantana: None of us understand!


 

[Brick starts yelling hysterically]
Brick Tamland: Why? Why? Why did you take him from us?
Ron Burgundy: You’re clearly standing in front of us, Brick.
[Brick still ignores them as he cries hysterically]
Brick Tamland: Goddamn you!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Brick Tamland: Brick is dead!
Champ Kind: No, Brick’s alive.
Brick Tamland: Brick is dead! Look at him!
[he points to his own picture]
Ron Burgundy: He’s not dead.
Champ Kind: He’s not dead, Brick. You’re not dead.
Ron Burgundy: You’re Brick!
Brian Fantana: Brick, it’s you!
Brick Tamland: He’s dead!
Ron, Brian, Champ: No!
Ron Burgundy: You are Brick! Touch yourself.
Brick Tamland: I am Brick?
Ron, Brian, Champ: Yes!
Brick Tamland: I’m alive?
Ron, Brian, Champ: Yes!
[Brick starts laughing with joy]
Ed Harken: Of course. Of course you are. Oh, for heaven’s sake.
[Brick embraces Harken]
Ron Burgundy: You kind of, you kind of want to slug him. You want to slug him.


 

[as they are driving to New York in Ron’s van]
Ron Burgundy: Do you remember our Easter trip to San Francisco? We got so drunk, we put Brick in a refrigerator box and threw him off the Golden Gate Bridge.
[they all laugh]
Brick Tamland: I broke my back!
Ron Burgundy: Yes!
Brian Fantana: What about the time that you dared Champ to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?
Ron Burgundy: He drained it faster than you could say, “No, don’t do it. That’s the equivalent of drinking poison.”
[they all laugh again]
Champ Kind: Oh, Lord, I was in a six month coma. They said from the neurological damage, there’s no way I’d live past fifty-five!
[they all laugh again]
Ron Burgundy: You got three years left, my friend.
Brick Tamland: You’re going to die!
[they continue to laugh]


 

Brick Tamland: Hey, hey, remember, I was by myself and I had that dream about the orange tree, but instead of oranges, it had babies on it?
[the others look at Brick as he laughs]
Brick Tamland: It was a baby tree!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, how could we remember? It’s your dream.
Brick Tamland: I don’t know. It’s all the same thing.
[Brick continues to laugh hard]
Ron Burgundy: I mean, it’s an interesting dream, but we’re telling stories involving the entire news team from the past.
Brick Tamland: Or how about the time when I was born and I came out of the vagina? I was screaming, “Here I come! Ooh! Here I come, Mom!”
Ron Burgundy: First off, Brick, I highly doubt you remember your own birth. And, once again, we weren’t there.
[Brick laughs again]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I can’t, Ron, I can’t stop laughing, Ron! Ron!
Brian Fantana: Put a pencil in his mouth.
Ron Burgundy: It’s okay.
[Brick starts to slow down his laughing]
Ron Burgundy: There you go.
Brick Tamland: I’m okay now.


 

Brian Fantana: Man, this just feels right! The news team is back!
Champ Kind: Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
[Baxter barks]
Brick Tamland: That old man is so little and hairy!
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron, who’s driving?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay, it’s on cruise control.
[we see that no one is driving the car]
Ron Burgundy: Who wants some chimichangas? Huh? Best thing I ever did was install this deep fryer in the ‘bago.
Champ Kind: Ron, why do you have this bag of bowling balls and this terrarium filled with scorpions?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s a long crazy story.
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron. Cruise control just regulates speed, it doesn’t steer.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
[suddenly the van steers off the road causing it to topple over which makes the hot oil from the deep fryer, the bowling balls and scorpions injure each of them as the can finally lands by the side of the road]
Ron Burgundy: Well, that is going to make one hell of a story.
[they all laugh]


 

[as they drive into New York]
Ron Burgundy: The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy is back.
Champ Kind: Why do they call it the Big Apple, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: It’s because New York has an apple tree on every street.
[at GNN station, Freddie shows them around]
Freddie Shapp: Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
Brian Fantana: I don’t know, Ron. Are you sure about this place?
Freddie Shapp: Guys, I know it’s a bit of a mess, but trust me, everything will be ready for the launch tomorrow. And we’ve culled the whole country for the best newsmen. There’s Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Curtis Knightfish. They don’t get any better than that.
Freddie Shapp: Yeah. And there’s Diane Yahwea from Carson City.
Champ Kind: Diane Yahwea. You know what they call her, right? “All the Way Yahwea.”
Brick Tamland: She’s my aunt.
Freddie Shapp: And the best in the biz. Jack Lime, out of Chicago. Rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year.
Champ Kind: That’s crazy. Who’s worth that kind of money?
[Jack Lime turns and the guys are mesmerized by his good looks]
Champ Kind: Oh, my God! He’s absolutely magnificent!
Ron Burgundy: I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.


 

[shouting across the room to Ron as he stares at Jack]
Jack Lime: Can I help you, guy?
Ron Burgundy: What was that?
Jack Lime: I said, can I help you, guy?
Ron Burgundy: Uh, what do you mean?
Jack Lime: Well, you’re staring at me, hotshot. Do you want my autograph?
[the men standing behind Jack laugh]
Ron Burgundy: No, he was just explaining who you were and I was looking at you. And then he said something and I was still looking at you.
[mocking Ron’s voice]
Jack Lime: Roo-ree-ra-ree-roo-ra-roh!
[Jack, along with Brian, Champ, Brick and Freddie all laugh]
Brick Tamland: Jack Lime is a great man!
Ron Burgundy: Is that what I sound like when I talk?
[Brick tries to copy Jack’s imitation of Ron talking]
Brick Tamland: Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!
Ron Burgundy: I guess it’s funny.


 

Jack Lime: Is there a problem?
Ron Burgundy: No, no, no. No, no, no. No problem.
Jack Lime: Well, you’re making a face like you got a problem.
Ron Burgundy: Um, I’m sorry that I’m making that face. I don’t mean to make a face that seems like I have a problem.
Jack Lime: I don’t like that face! You need to change it, change it quick.
[whispering to Ron]
Freddie Shapp: Stop making that face.
Ron Burgundy: Is this face better?
[Ron tries to change the expression of his face]
Jack Lime: Oh, I don’t like… Oh, that new face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!
Freddie Shapp: You’re getting him mad.
Ron Burgundy: I only have so many faces.
[Ron changes his face to show another expression]
Jack Lime: I’m just grinding your gears, man.
[Jack laughs]
Jack Lime: Welcome to the station! We’re going to have a good time together.
[Jack laughs again as he turns from them]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, my God. That’s, uh, vintage Jack Lime. Come on, guys. Let’s go meet the boss.


 

[as they wait in their new boss’s office]
Freddie Shapp: We’ll have separate cameras for you, and then sports and then weather.
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you this, Freddie, how’s the new head honcho?
Freddie Shapp: Well, Linda Jackson has a shelf full of Emmys. She’s as tough as nails. And Linda loves to win.
[their new boss, Linda Jackson, enters her office with her male assistant]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, hey! Linda! I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
[Ron ignores Linda and shakes Linda’s assistant’s hand]
Freddie Shapp: Ron.
Ron Burgundy: What?
[pointing to Linda]
Freddie Shapp: This is Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
[Ron looks visibly shocked]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Um, black. Black.
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, just stop, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop saying, black, the word black.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: Stop.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: Stop saying black.
[Ron closes his mouth trying hard not to say the word when it bursts out again]
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Freddie Shapp: Stop saying it!
Ron Burgundy: If I don’t say it, I’ll pass out.


 

Linda Jackson: Uh, Donna, can you please get me a cup of coffee?
Linda’s Assistant: Right away, Miss. Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Thank you.
[her assistant leaves the office]
Linda Jackson: Please be seated. Everyone.
Ron Burgundy: Sure.
Linda Jackson: Please be seated.
[they all take a seat]
Linda Jackson: Great. So I know that all of you are aware that the news community is laughing at what we’re trying to do here at 24-hour news. But that is why they brought me in.
Freddie Shapp: She’s the best.
Linda Jackson: You see, gentlemen, I don’t lose.


 

Ron Burgundy: Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.
Linda Jackson: Oh, please don’t.
Ron Burgundy: I want to say, on behalf of the entire news team, we are huge supporters of all African and Americans.
Brick Tamland: Veronica got so tanned.
Ron Burgundy: I remember the first African and American I ever saw.
Linda Jackson: It’s African-American.
Ron Burgundy: Are you sure?
Linda Jackson: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Absolutely a hundred percent positive? It isn’t like…
Freddie Shapp: Ron…
Ron Burgundy: Fish and chips?
Brian Fantana: Hey, we’re all the same on the inside, stinky and pink.
Champ Kind: When I was in high school, me and my buddies used to sneak in the girls locker room. We’d peek at the girls in the shower, and I’d look at all of them, no matter what color they were. So…
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, this is the worst meeting I’ve ever been in.


 

Brick Tamland: A black man follows me everywhere when it’s sunny.
Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that’s your shadow, Brick.
Brick Tamland: I call him Leon.
Ron Burgundy: And if it’s a cloudy day, what happens to Leon?
Brick Tamland: He goes home.
Ron Burgundy: It’s your shadow. He’s talking about his shadow.
Linda Jackson: Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
[Ron sits on the couch and Brick sits behind the couch]
Linda Jackson: What’s he doing?
Ron Burgundy: I think you scared him. You can’t shout at Brick.
Linda Jackson: Oh, is he, is he alright?
Ron Burgundy: Um, can you sing him a soothing siren song? Just a high melodic…
[he starts humming a tune]
Linda Jackson: I’m not singing along with you.
[Brick shows his face from behind the couch]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Come on, Brick. Brick! Linda has a balloon.
[Brick comes up from behind the couch and sits on the edge of the couch]
Ron Burgundy: You better get him a balloon.
Linda Jackson: Is this for real, Freddie?
Freddie Shapp: Linda, I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: No, it’s okay! It’s okay.


 

Linda Jackson: So you have a black boss, and it’s freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit…
Linda Jackson: You freaked out?
Ron Burgundy: To be honest.
Linda Jackson: Is it freaking you out?!
Champ Kind: Oh, she’s got a knife!
Linda Jackson: I don’t give a shit! We’re not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: So as long as you guys get numbers, we are going to get along just fine. Now, if you don’t, I am going to be icy and unpleasant. You dig?
Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.
Brick Tamland: I like to dig. One time I went digging for treasure and I found half a body.
Linda Jackson: Get out of my office!


 

[after they leave Linda’s office]
Ron Burgundy: I’m telling you, you can’t give an inch in those situations. And I think we held our ground pretty firmly.
Freddie Shapp: Guys. Guys, we got you an apartment on the Upper East Side and a whole new wardrobe.
Ron Burgundy: That’s wonderful. When do we begin our broadcast?
Freddie Shapp: Well, the big launch is tomorrow at twelve noon.
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Freddie Shapp: Uh, you guys are slotted for the 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. slot.
Ron Burgundy: What? That’s the graveyard shift!
Brick Tamland: I ain’t afraid of no ghost.
Freddie Shapp: Oh, come on. It’s going to be great. Let’s get your keys. Come on!
[they all follow Freddie except for Brick]
Ron Burgundy: Is there booze in the apartment?
Freddie Shapp: Of course there’s going to be booze. Of course.


 

[as the others leave with Freddie, Brick is stood staring at a woman, Chani Lastnamé, who’s staring at the phone as it rings, Brick walks over to Chani]
Brick Tamland: It won’t stop.
Chani Lastnamé: Sometimes it stops, but then it starts again.
[Chani’s boss walks over]
Chani’s Boss: What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
[she answers the phone]
Chani’s Boss: Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
[she puts down the phone and turns to Chani]
Chani’s Boss: Your job is to answer the phones.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m getting ready for Secret Santa. When is that again?
Chani’s Boss: It’s at Christmas time. When else would it be?
[she turns and walks off]


 

Brick Tamland: I’m Brick. I was dead last week.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m Chani. I like the place between your head and your body.
Brick Tamland: I like your hair. It looks like wet popcorn.
Chani Lastnamé: Thank you.
Brick Tamland: Would you like to see the smile that I use when I pose for photographs?
Chani Lastnamé: Yes, please.
[Brick smiles]
Chani Lastnamé: Do you want to see the face I make when I see a snake made out of candy?
Brick Tamland: Yes.
[Chani eyes open wide and she rolls her tongue over her mouth]
Brick Tamland: That’s good.
Chani Lastnamé: What’s your favorite time of day?
Brick Tamland: Now. What’s your favorite time of day?
Chani Lastnamé: A minute ago.
[Brick quickly touches her shoulder and runs off]


 

[a happy looking Ron goes to visit Ron goes to visit Veronica, he knocks on her door]
Ron Burgundy: Surprise! Big daddy’s back.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron. What are you doing here?
Ron Burgundy: I’m over at GNN. I’m living in the city again.
Veronica Corningstone: I really wish that you would have called first.
Ron Burgundy: Look, it doesn’t matter whose fault the break-up was, okay? I was stubborn. You were like a mentally ill whore having PMS from the 1800s.
Veronica Corningstone: What’s your point, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The point is, I’m back home. And I want to spend the rest of my life…
Gary: Honey, who is it?
[Veronica’s new boyfriend, Gary, comes over to join Veronica at the door]
Gary: Hi, Ron. I’m Gary, Veronica’s lover.


 

[Ron, Veronica and Gary sit in the living in awkward silence with Ron tapping on the gift box he’d brought for Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: So is that a gift for me, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh.
Ron Burgundy: It’s for Walter.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: So when were you going to tell me about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, you walked out on me. What did you expect me to do?
Gary: Ron, this is awkward, I know. I’m sitting here with your wife, we make love.
Ron Burgundy: I’m this close to shooting a flare gun at your dick.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: So what does this Gary do for a living, huh? Have you done a background check on him?
Veronica Corningstone: Gary is actually one of the most successful psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Gary: Oh, really sweet.
Ron Burgundy: Are you reading my mind right now?
Gary: Ron, do you even know what a psychologist is?
Ron Burgundy: Fuck you.
[Ron throws a punch at Gary but he dodges it]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Gary: It’s okay.
Veronica Corningstone: You stop that!
Gary: He’s externalizing, that’s okay.
Veronica Corningstone: No, it’s not okay!
Gary: He’s mad.
Ron Burgundy: You knew I was going to throw that punch cause you’re reading my mind!


 

Walter Burgundy: Mom! I’m home!
Gary: Hey, little guy.
Veronica Corningstone: Hey, darling.
Ron Burgundy: Hi, Walter.
Walter Burgundy: Hey, Dad.
[Walter embraces Ron]
Walter Burgundy: I missed you!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, your father has a gift for you.
Ron Burgundy: I have a gift specifically for you, Walter. There you go.
[Ron gives the gift box to Walter and looks at Gary]
Ron Burgundy: Yes, Gary.
[Walter opens the box and takes out the lacy lingerie that was meant for Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, that’s actually for me, Walter.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not. It’s for Walter. It’s a superhero costume.
Walter Burgundy: What is it?
Ron Burgundy: It’s Lace Man, it’s a brand new superhero.
Walter Burgundy: I’m going to be Lace Man!


 

Gary: Look, Ron, joint custody isn’t easy. But what we need to do is rally around this little guy right now, okay?
Ron Burgundy: Well that’s never going to happen.
Gary: Oh.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Ron Burgundy: Because you, Veronica, are unfit to be a mother!
Veronica Corningstone: Need I remind you that you took that child to a cock fight?
Ron Burgundy: The game of champions!
[as they argue Walter has put the lace lingerie over his head and is pretending to be a superhero]
Walter Burgundy: I’m Lace Man!
Ron Burgundy: He had the time of his life!
Veronica Corningstone: He came home splattered in blood!
Ron Burgundy: He picked eight winning cocks, it’s never been done!
Veronica Corningstone: You have never tried to connect with Walter.
Ron Burgundy: Alright, let’s keep it civil in front of the boy. It’s bad enough his mother likes to go down on rodeo clowns.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, you know what, out!
Gary: Alright. Get your things! Let’s go.
Ron Burgundy: Fine. I’m out of here. Don’t have to tell me twice.
Gary: Get your things.


 

[Ron gets up and puts his coat on to leave]
Ron Burgundy: Will see you guys later.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, you will.
Walter Burgundy: Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
Ron Burgundy: Goodbye, Walter, my little man. You promise to do good in school, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: And stay away from the he-shes…
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Ron Burgundy: …down in the Bowery.
Gary: Ron, I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks, they got the curves, they got the, the chi-chi’s, and then at some point during the evening, you reach down below the belt looking to, to get a little muffellita and you get a handful of the battle of the bulge.
[looks over to Walter]
Ron Burgundy: You hear what I’m saying, Walter?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I do.
Gary: Ron, it was nice meeting you. I think it’s time for you to go.
[Ron goes to throw another punch at Gary which he dodges again]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: You knew! You anticipated that because you’re reading my mind! That confirms it!


 

[at the GNN Champ notices Jack at the other end of the office]
Champ Kind: There’s Lime.
Ron Burgundy: Huh?
Champ Kind: Look at him, he’s a Goddamn prince!
Brian Fantana: Man, there’s just something about him, you know? I’d give anything to be friends with him.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t see what the big deal is. You know? He’s not that great.
[Jack turns to the group as they stare at him and shouts across the room]
Jack Lime: What did you say?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
Jack Lime: I heard you say something.
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.
Jack Lime: No, I heard you say something.
Brick Tamland: He said you’re not that great!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Jack Lime: Is that what you said about me?
[Jack starts coming over to them]
Champ Kind: He’s coming over here.
Ron Burgundy: I know!
Jack Lime: I’m going to rip this guy in half.


 

[his colleagues try to stop Jack from hitting Ron]
Jack Lime: No, no, no! No, no, no. Just give me a little piece of him.
Ron Burgundy: Uh, Jack, look, it’s just the guys look up to you so much, and I just was a little jealous. I just said some junk.
Jack Lime: That’s funny. Aren’t you the guy who lost his job to his wife?
Crowd in Office: Ooh.
Jack Lime: Shouldn’t you be doing her makeup?
[Ron looks visibly mad, Freddie interrupts them]
Freddie Shapp: Alright, guys, that’s enough.
Ron Burgundy: No, shut up, Freddie!
[to Jack]
Ron Burgundy: And you can shut your mouth! Okay, Jack Lame!
Crowd in Office: Oooh.
Jack Lime: Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina’s got some fight in him.


 

Ron Burgundy: You listen to this one, big fella.
Jack Lime: Yeah?
Ron Burgundy: I bet you that we beat your ratings tonight.
[everyone in the office laughs]
Jack Lime: I’m sorry! I’m trying to keep it together.
[to Ron]
Freddie Shapp: No, no, no. No, no, no. Don’t do this. Don’t do this. You’re on at 2:00 a.m., Jack has prime time!
Jack Lime: Maybe. No. Hey, Freddie. No, no, no. Hey. I’ll take that bet. What are the stakes?
Ron Burgundy: If we lose, I’ll leave New York. And I’ll never read the news again.
Jack Lime: And, uh, if by some snowball’s chance in hell Mr. Mustache here pulls a miracle out of his ass?
Ron Burgundy: You change your name to Jack Lame, legally.
Jack Lime: I like this! You’re on, Stretch. Everyone heard him? Freddie, you heard him?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, I heard him.
Jack Lime: This is on like Pong.
Ron Burgundy: Okay. Good.
[Jack and his team turn to leave with the other office workers cheering for them]


 

Brian Fantana: Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron? We’ve got the graveyard shift! We don’t have a chance!
[Jack shouts across the office again]
Jack Lime: Hey, guy!
Ron Burgundy: Huh?!
Jack Lime: This ain’t local news anymore. We shit standing up here.
Ron Burgundy: What?
[Jack and his team walk off]
Brian Fantana: It’s a huge mess. But damn, is it cool!


 

[before they are about to start broadcasting Linda addresses all the crew in the studio]
Linda Jackson: Alright, everyone! Ladies and gentlemen, today wouldn’t be possible without the visionary behind GNN. Mr. Kench Allenby!
[everyone claps as Allenby comes over to Linda and embraces her]
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, yeah!
Kench Allenby: Cheers, Linda.
[turning to the crew]
Kench Allenby: Alright, cheers. I tell you what, bad blood never made this one. Well, around this place, I tell you, I am jabbered, just jabbered. Full of beans, no doubt.
[everyone looks at him with confusion not understanding a word he’s saying due to his thick Australian accent]
Ron Burgundy: Does anyone else speak Australian?
Champ Kind: I thought they talked like us.
Kench Allenby: Can I get you to say with me, “How bloody are ya?!”
[Brick yells out trying to mumble what Allenby just said]
Ron Burgundy: We can’t quite understand you.
Kench Allenby: How’s this? I’m Kench Allenby.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, yes!
Champ Kind: Oh, there it is.
Ron Burgundy: That’s good.
Freddie Shapp: Yes. That’s good.
Ron Burgundy: There we go! Thank you so much.


 

Kench Allenby: I’m Kench Allenby and you all know my story. I’m a self-made man. My late, great father, Vadge Allenby, gave me three hundred million dollars and I toiled my whole bloody life to turn that into three hundred and five million dollars. True story. True story.
[everyone claps for him]
Kench Allenby: But this this 24-hour news station, this is history. This is like Columbus discovering the New World. And the captain for this fantastic voyage is the best newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!
[everyone claps for Jack as he goes to the front]
Freddie Shapp: Go get ’em, Jack! Go get ’em!
Jack Lime: Thank you. Hey, and, uh, good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.
Crowd: Ooh.
[Jack takes his seat behind the news desk and looks over to Ron]
Jack Lime: Getting nervous there, compadre? Let’s do this.
Brian Fantana: Did you see that? How he spun on that desk? That was so great.


 

[Jack’s team gather around him as they get him ready]
GNN Stage Manager: Alright. Quiet on the floor, please.
[as Jack is getting his make-up finished we see Brick among the make-up artists using a brush to powder Jack’s face]
Ed Harken: Alright. Alright, we’re up. Here we go, here we go. In five, four, three, two…
[Jack looks into the camera and begins]
Jack Lime: Good day, and welcome to GNN. Thank you for joining us on what we believe to be a whole new era of news. I’m Jack Lime, your guide for this journey of events we humbly call 24-hour news. Today’s top story, Mount St. Helen is showing signs off…
[at WBN the news team are all gathered around the TV watching Jack on GNN]
WBC Stage Manager: This is just a gimmick. It’s a flash in the pan.
Veronica Corningstone: We better hope so.
[Ed Harken and Garth are sat in a bar watching GNN on the TV]
Jack Lime: Residents are being asked to evacuate the area…
Ed Harken: Twenty-four hours of news. How are they going to keep coming up with this stuff?
Garth: My guess is they’ll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Ed Harken: No, I have a feeling they’ll stick with their integrity and only report the news that needs to be reported.


 

[Ron and his team are going through all the reports to find something news worthy]
Ron Burgundy: Let’s see here. “Global temperatures rise half a degree alarm climate scientists.” Boring. “China could dominate the world economy in the next decade.” Dan-dan- dan-dan-dan-dan-nope. Anyone else?
Brian Fantana: What if we show a porno instead of the news?
Freddie?
Freddie Shapp: No. Absolutely not.
Ron Burgundy: I know. What if we get one of those wildlife handlers? We have him bring in, uh, big cats, big game cats. You know, wild, dangerous tigers and lions and leopards and the such. We let ’em loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens. We play rock music, and we just call it “Let Her Rip.”
Brian Fantana: I’d watch that. I’d watch that.
Freddie Shapp: Let Her Rip? You’re describing the end of civilization. That’s not news!
Ron Burgundy: If that’s the end of times, I’m, I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn, and a, and a greasy half-live chicken leg.
Freddie Shapp: Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I’m done.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie! Come on! We’re just brainstorming here. We’re trying to figure out how to make the news less boring, and you act like we peed in your milkshake.
Freddie Shapp: The news is supposed to be boring, Ron! This is serious stuff. You’re the one that made this stupid bet!


 

Ron Burgundy: I just don’t know why we have to tell the people what they need to hear. Why can’t we just tell them what they want to hear?
Freddie Shapp: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again.
Ron Burgundy: I said, why do we have to tell the people what they need to hear? Why can’t we just tell them what they wan to hear?
Freddie Shapp: And what do they want to hear, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: That we live in the greatest country God ever created.
Champ Kind: Damn straight!
Freddie Shapp: Made him happy.
Ron Burgundy: And we should do stories on patriots. Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets. Uh, why blonds have more fun.
Brian Fantana: And serious investigative pieces…
Ron Burgundy: Mm-hmm.
Brian Fantana: About how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.
Champ Kind: And only the best sports highlights. Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer.
Brick Tamland: I like the wind.
Ron Burgundy: Brick’s right. People love hurricanes. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we’ll throw Brick right in the middle of it.
Brian Fantana: You’d do that?
[Brick shrugs his shoulders indicating yes]
Ron Burgundy: People’ll go nuts. I’d watch that!
Freddie Shapp: No, this..this goes against every rule of broadcast journalism I know.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie, as the wise man once said, “so?”
Freddie Shapp: We got ten hours till we go on.
Ron Burgundy: We’ll only need eight!


 

[as Brick leaves the teams meeting he sees Chani again and the shock of it makes him drop his files, he watches as she looks at a lipstick and then he slowly walks over to her]
Brick Tamland: Is that candy?
Chani Lastnamé: I don’t know.
[Brick takes the lipstick, bites off a piece from it and eats it making him slightly choke]
Brick Tamland: It is candy.
Chani Lastnamé: I like you.
Brick Tamland: I like you.
Chani Lastnamé: Tell me something about you.
Brick Tamland: Well, I’m nineteen years old. My middle name is Courtney. I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it’s not right. What about you?
Chani Lastnamé: My name is Chani Lastnamé. I’m a real go-getter and a person people. I can type fifty words a minute with only three hundred errors. I’m trained and certified…
Brick and Chani: To fire a military-grade missile launcher.
Brick Tamland: Me too.
[Chani’s boss interrupts them as she walks over to Chani]
Chani’s Boss: Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week. You mailed them to me?
Chani Lastnamé: How else was I going to get them to you?
Chani’s Boss: You hand them to me.
Chani Lastnamé: Oh.


 

Chani’s Boss: You are the dumbest person I’ve met in my entire life, and that’s not an exaggeration.
Chani Lastnamé: That makes me feel bad.
Chani’s Boss: Well, it’s the truth, Chani. I mean this is, and the day I’ve had today…
[suddenly Brick bursts out in anger]
Brick Tamland: You! Leave her alone!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me, sir!
Brick Tamland: Get your filthy hands off of her!
[Chani then starts yelling out]
Chani Lastnamé: Help, help, help!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me, sir!
Chani Lastnamé: Leave me alone, lady!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me!
Brick Tamland: She is a goddess among women!
[he starts yelling and Chani joins him]
Chani’s Boss: Glen!
[suddenly Brick grabs the phone message from Chani’s boss’s hands and throws them aside]
Chani’s Boss: My phone messages!
Chani Lastnamé: Leave him alone!
[Chani takes a paper tray from a desk and throws the papers on her boss]
Chani’s Boss: Not today!
Brick Tamland: She has butterflies in her heart!
Chani’s Boss: Chani! I can see you behind that desk, and you’re fired!
[she storms off]
Chani Lastnamé: Why?


 

[after her boss walks off Brick goes over to Chani]
Brick Tamland: Are you okay?
Chani Lastnamé: You saved my life. She was trying to set me on fire.
Brick Tamland: I didn’t ask for these powers. I was given them.
Chani Lastnamé: Last night a bird chased me and I wished it was you.
Brick Tamland: Can we go to a date?
Chani Lastnamé: Yes.
[Brick quickly touches her shoulder then turns to leave, he stops then turns back to Chani and bows slightly then goes to leave again but turns and bows his head again after which he turns and runs off]


 

[sat behind his news desk in the dark, Ron prays just before they go live]
Ron Burgundy: Dear God, please help me pull this off. I swear, if you help me, I will become a monk. I will shave my head and become a monk in your dedica… No. Who are we kidding? I’m not going to do that.
[in the production room]
GNN Crew Member: Oh, did you hear? Evan said there’s some strange copy in the prompter.
GNN Director: It’s 2:00 a.m., it’s Freddie Shapp’s ass, not mine. Let’s go.
Narrator: [voice over] People who change history are rarely aware of it while doing so. Ron and his news team simply thought they were making the news more fun. Little did they know they were changing the course of broadcast history forever.
[as they go live]
Ron Burgundy: Hello, America. It’s 2:00 a.m., Eastern time. I’m Ron Burgundy, and tonight’s top story is America. She’s the greatest country in the world. Heck, the history of the world!
[as they watch GNN news in a bar]
Bar Patron: You’re damn right! Wooh!
[a man watches Ron in the hospital emergency area with a knife stuck in his head]
Ron Burgundy: Too much of the news is about what’s wrong with America.
Guy with Knife in Head: Amen, brother!
Ron Burgundy: Well, tonight, our top story is what’s right with America.
[a redneck and his wife are sat at home watching Ron on TV]
Redneck: Someone’s finally talking sense on the TV.
Ron Burgundy: For starters, we kick butt. Nazi butt. Russian butt.
[from the production room]
GNN Director: What the hell is he doing?
GNN Crew Member: He’s talking about America. Why, do you have a problem with that?


 

[as their show continues, Fontana does his segment]
Brian Fantana: Tonight I begin part one of my eleven part series on the power and mystery of the human vagina. This series will be a tasteful look at just what makes a vagina tick, as well as a look at the fifty greatest vaginae of the 20th century.
[from her home Linda watches this in shock]
Linda Jackson: Son of a bitch!
[she throws her glass aside in anger and leaves the house]
Ron Burgundy: One final question, and I’ll let you go. Who tops the list of the top fifty greatest vaginas?
Brian Fantana: Well, I don’t want to give anything away.
[they both laugh]
Ron Burgundy: I thought I had you.
Brian Fantana: I will give you number two.
Ron Burgundy: Please.
Brian Fantana: Madame Curie.
Ron Burgundy: Of course. Of course.


 

[next it’s Champ doing the sports just showing shots of different baseball players hitting the ball]
Champ Kind: Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Back to you, Ron.
[next it’s Brick doing the weather report live from New York]
Brick Tamland: The wind has, is really windy.
Ron Burgundy: Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
Brick Tamland: I can’t hear you, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Okay, but you’re, you’re answering the question, so I think you can hear me.
Brick Tamland: No, I can!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, do you think there is any danger to the average person out there?
Brick Tamland: I’m afraid for the animals of New York, Ron. I saw a woman, and her dog was not, never touched the ground.
Ron Burgundy: You’re saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet?
Brick Tamland: It looked like she was walking a dog balloon.
[in the production room]
GNN Director: And go, switch.


 

Ron Burgundy: And for our eighth and final animal story of the night. It looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana, have found the cutest little patriot on God’s green earth.
[Ron laughs as they show footage of cute little puppy surrounded by little flags of America]
Ron Burgundy: Look at that little guy! Oh, wow. He was having some fun. Well, for all of us here at GNN, I’m Ron Burgundy. And don’t just have a great night, have an American night.
[the lights go dim and the camera pans outs]
GNN Stage Manager: And we’re out!
[Freddie laughs in excitement]
Freddie Shapp: Wow! I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen!
Ron Burgundy: Yes.
[Champ hugs Freddie]
Champ Kind: You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
Brian Fantana: That just felt right! That felt right!
[he embraces Champ]
Brick Tamland: I was outside!
Ron Burgundy: You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
[Ron and Brick embrace]
Ron Burgundy: You did and amazing, great job.


 

[as the team are congratulating themselves Linda rushes on stage in anger]
Linda Jackson: What the hell was that?! What the hell was that?!
Freddie Shapp: Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda. We were just trying something new.
Linda Jackson: You changed the format of the entire show without consulting me? That’s unacceptable!
Ron Burgundy: Damn straight, sister. We just done went and brought it! And here’s the truth. You can’t handle it, little mama!
Linda Jackson: Get out! You are all terminated immediately!
Ron Burgundy: If you were a man, I’d knock you out.
Linda Jackson: Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
[she pushes Ron in anger]
Linda Jackson: Take a swing! Take your best shot! Huh? I have five brothers, and two of them are defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!
Ron Burgundy: You want me to do it?
Linda Jackson: Yeah.


 

[Ron holds up his fist]
Ron Burgundy: This thing’s not going to feel good.
Champ Kind: Do it, Ron. Just do it.
Linda Jackson: Are you scared? What’s the, what’s the problem? Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
[she starts mocking Ron by doing a chicken impression]
Ron Burgundy: I’m not a chicken at all.
Linda Jackson: I’m going to make that mustache of yours all bloody.
[Ron chuckles]
Ron Burgundy: Well…
Brian Fantana: Seems like you’re buying time, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m not buying time.
Champ Kind: Ron, just do what men have been doing for thousands of years and punch the woman. Punch her!
Brian Fantana: You’re stalling.
Champ Kind: Punch the woman!
[holding up his fist again]
Ron Burgundy: Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard!
[as Ron goes to punch Linda, she dodges his punch, hits him in the gut and Ron falls to the floor]
Brick Tamland: Ron! No!
[Brick suddenly tackles Freddie and knocks him to the ground]
Freddie Shapp: I didn’t do it!


 

[as he lies on the floor in pain, Ron starts squealing like a child]
Ron Burgundy: Mama, your baby’s hurt! Your baby!
Champ Kind: What is that sound you’re making? Good Lord!
Brian Fantana: You sound like a balloon. Pull yourself together, man.
Linda Jackson: Security!
[Ron continues squealing]
Ron Burgundy: They saw my pee-pee! The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!
Brian Fantana: Did you say that they saw your pee-pee?
Ron Burgundy: In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee!
[to Linda]
Brian Fantana: You just knocked him back into fifth grade.
[the security guard comes over them]
Linda Jackson: Get him out of here!


 

[the next morning Allenby is looking at last night ratings]
Kench Allenby: Bugger me with a didgeridoo. Well we knew we’d struggle to start, but these ratings are lower than I’d even imagined.
GNN Producer: Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike, it really saved our whole launch.
Kench Allenby: Spike? What are you talking about?
Linda Jackson: What spike?
[looking at the ratings report]
Kench Allenby: Burgundy. Who’s Ron Burgundy? No, no, no. This can’t be right. His team start at a point two, and then they finish at a five point six? That’s unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime’s numbers! How is that even possible? Who are these guys?
Linda Jackson:, uh, they’re a local team out of San Diego.
Kench Allenby: You little beauty!
Linda Jackson: Oh, well, they no longer work for us. I fired them.


 

[the team is gathered in Ron’s apartment as Ron packs]
Ron Burgundy: Well, guys, it goes without saying I owe you gentlemen an apology. I dragged you out here and this thing was a disaster from the word go.
Champ Kind: No, Ron, don’t you beat yourself up.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, it’s alright, Ron.
[Brick throws downs his playing cards on the table]
Brick Tamland: Gin!
Ron Burgundy: Brian, any idea what you might do next?
Brian Fantana: going to head back to L.A. I got a good group of buddies out there. O.J. Simpson, Phil Spector, Robert Blake.
Ron Burgundy: Sounds like a fun crew.
Brian Fantana: We go out cruising chicks. Call ourselves “The Ladykillers.”
Ron Burgundy: I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.
Brian Fantana: Hey, that’s not a bad idea.


 

[Freddie enters Ron’s apartment]
Freddie Shapp:, uh, guys? Hey. I,, uh, got some news.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie, we don’t exactly want to hear the word “news” right now.
Brian Fantana: Yeah.
Freddie Shapp: You’re right. Forget it., uh, forget I was even here. Forget that GNN wants you back for a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
Ron Burgundy: Quit yanking our penises, Freddie! What’s the deal?
Brick Tamland: Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.
Freddie Shapp: No, no. I’m not yanking your… Your ratings went through the roof! I mean, people love what you did. You’re a success! Get it? You’re a great, big, fat success!
Ron Burgundy: By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
Freddie Shapp: It’s total crap and they can’t stop watching!
[the team huddle together and embrace each other]
Narrator: [voice over] The news team had been famous in San Diego, but that was small time compared to New York. This fame was a rocket ship. A rocket ship that had free drinks and topless stewardesses.


 

[Jack looks into the camera as he finishes delivering the news]
Jack Lime: That’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Jack Lame.
[to the production team]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! More graphics, alright?
GNN Director: But there’s already a lot.
Freddie Shapp: Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
[as Ron is doing a debate on “Unicorn or Unihorn?” we see the screen is surrounded by more graphics]
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask a question here, for God’s sake! Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for just half a second?
[Veronica is watching this at home with Gary]
Veronica Corningstone: This is against everything that I have worked for my entire life.
Gary: Oh, honey, come on.


 

[we see the news team getting more successful as their ratings rise; Brian does an advert for underwear]
Brian Fantana: If you’re like me, you need an underwear that fits your active lifestyle.
[Brian poses wearing the underwear crouched down with another male model standing beside him]
Ad Sales Guy: [voice over] At finer specialty and department stores.
[we see Brick doing an advert for butter]
Brick Tamland: I’m weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter. Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.
[he bends down and without using his hands takes a bite out of the slab of butter]
Brick Tamland: [voice over] Butter!
[we then see Ron doing his slot delivering the news]
Ron Burgundy: There’s something new on the New York social scene. It’s fun, relatively benign and costs about as much as a soda pop at the local drugstore. Here’s Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone is lighting up to smoke crack. Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack and we’re going to smoke it right here in the studio.
[Ron’s gets a tray from under the table with the crack equipment on it]
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know if we can get a shot of that.
[as they watch this in the production room]
GNN Director: What is that? Did you know they were going to have that?
GNN Crew Member: No.

 


Total Quotes: 132

 




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