Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Christina Applegate, Dylan Baker, Meagan Good, Judah Nelson, James Marsden, Greg Kinnear, Josh Lawson, Kristen Wii, Fred Willard, Chris Parnell, Harrison Ford, Bill Kurtis, Sacha Baron Cohen, Marion Cotillard, Will Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Carrey, Tina Fey, Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler, John C. Reilly, Vince Vaughn, Kanye West
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Comedy sequel directed and co-written by Adam McKay. The story continues the adventures of broadcaster Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) who now with his wife, Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), co-anchor the national news in New York. However, things change drastically when Veronica is promoted and Ron fired which leads to them separating. Feeling rejected Ron’s life falls apart until he’s given a second chance when he’s offered the job to work at the world’s first 24-hour news network which leads to Ron reassembling his Channel 4 news team, Champ Kind (David Koechner), Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd) and Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), and proving their total incompetence is actually a perfect fit for the 24-hour news cycle.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 132)
Narrator: [voice over] There are many places we could begin the next chapter of the legend of Ron Burgundy. This is one such place.
[we see Ron screaming as he frantically tries to swim away from a shark]
Narrator: [voice over] However, we won’t begin our tale here. No, our story begins in a place all newsmen dream of. In New York City.
[we see Ron and Veronica walking together in New York City]
Soul Brother: Ron Burgundy! That lady’s got a ass like the Loch Ness Monster. Thing is mysterious and ever sought after.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, aren’t you going to say something to him?
Ron Burgundy: Hey, when you’ve got an ass like the North Star, wise men are going to want to follow it.
Narrator: [voice over] It was a time before cell phones and steroids. And for Ron and his now wife Veronica, life was good.
[Ron and Veronica are preparing for broadcasting the news at the World Broadcast news station]
Ron Burgundy: The Tooth Fairy’s exposed breast made the child uncomfortable. The bishop wore buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah. Bat mitzvah. The garden gnome had a normal size penis. The garden gnome had a normal size penis.
[Veronica starts doing voice exercises]
Veronica Corningstone: Corningstone. Corningstone.
[Ron also starts making high pitch noises]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, no! Oh, no! They’re coming in through the back door! Oh, no! Oh, no! Grab the children! Save the children!
WBC Stage Manager: Five, four…
[turning to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Have a great broadcast.
Veronica Corningstone: You, too, darling.
[the stage manager uses to his finger to count down and signal going live]
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. This is the weekend edition of WBC News at six-thirty. I’m Ron Burgundy.
Veronica Corningstone: And I’m Veronica Corningstone. Our top story tonight. The U.N. today announced sanctions against…
[the stage manager turns to their boss, Mack Tannen]
Mack Tannen: When the broadcast is over, send these two up to my office. Time to make a change.
[on the elevator as they go to meet with Tannen]
Ron Burgundy: Rumor has it that after thirty-five years of manning the helm, Mack Tannen is thinking about stepping down.
Veronica Corningstone: That’s right. Do you, do you think we could be, we could be getting the Nightly News, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: I think that’s exactly what’s about to happen.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my God. That’s what’s happening, isn’t it?
Ron Burgundy: That’s what I think is about to happen. I’m hyperventilating.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I see that. Please calm down.
Ron Burgundy: Look at me.
Veronica Corningstone: You… Well.
[Ron starts laughing in a strained manner]
Ron Burgundy: I’m laughing like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Veronica Corningstone: You are. Let’s stop that before we get in there. Don’t do that in there, darling.
[as they meet with Tanning]
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Tannen, you are an inspiration, sir.
Mack Tannen: I’ve been doing the evening news now for over thirty-five years.
Ron Burgundy: Done a hell of a job.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, sir.
Ron Burgundy: A hell of a job!
Mack Tannen: I’ve gone through four wives. I have six or seven kids that I haven’t got the time to tell I love them.
Veronica Corningstone: To be honest, they sound a little needy.
Mack Tannen: I killed four men in Okinawa.
Ron Burgundy: W-W-Two.
Mack Tannen: And that was two weeks ago. The point is, this is a very demanding job.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Mack Tannen: But I’m close to thinking that you may have what it takes. Now, let me look at you.
[suddenly Tanning comes up close to Ron’s face]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my God. Would it be wrong to say you smell terrific?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, please!
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
[as he’s looking closely at Ron]
Mack Tannen: What are you? Finnish?
Ron Burgundy: Oddly enough, I’m hundred percent full-blown Mexican, from the state of Oaxaca.
Veronica Corningstone: No, you’re not, honey.
[Tanning moves over to Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: Hello, sir. Oh, my heart is racing.
[Tanning bends down to look closely at Veronica, he touches her neck]
Ron Burgundy: I just have to say, this is super creepy and unorthodox.
[Veronica looks at Ron as if to say “be quiet”]
Ron Burgundy: You like-a da merchandise, huh?
[Tanning gives Ron a cold look]
Ron Burgundy: Sorry.
[after he finishes inspecting Veronica]
Mack Tannen: Alright. We’re about to make network news history. Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes?
Mack Tannen: You’re going to be the first female full-time network news anchor.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Mack Tannen: And you, Mr. Burgundy…
Ron Burgundy: I’m going to be the first lactose intolerant anchor.
Mack Tannen: Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Yes?
Mack Tannen: You’re fired.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
Mack Tannen: Fired. You are the worst anchorman I have ever seen.
Ron Burgundy: But what did I do wrong? Name one thing.
[we see footage of Ron yelling the news because the teleprompter text was in all caps]
Ron Burgundy: Korean soldiers were fired upon in the DMZ!
[he stops reading the text]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, jeez. I am so sorry. Someone put the story in all capital letters, and I, I thought I was supposed to yell it.
[we see another footage of Ron as he’s reading the news]
Ron Burgundy: President Parter… Oh, shit! I mean, President Carter will speak at the summit Tuesday.
[looks off camera to the stage manager]
Ron Burgundy: Tony, did I just curse? Are you kidding me? Shit! I mean, shit. Shoot!
[we see another footage of Ron as he’s reading the news]
Ron Burgundy: The slain Civil Rights leader was eulogized…
[suddenly Ron sneezes onto the camera lens]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, wow! Did you see that? Right on the lens!
[then another footage of Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Folks, I’m sorry. I hold myself to a high professional standard and you shouldn’t hear that language, okay? I’m having a shitty day. Oh, fuck-stick!
[to Ron and Veronica]
Mack Tannen: Now, I know this is tricky given your relationship, so I’m going to give you the evening to think about it.
[cuts to Ron and Veronica entering their home]
Ron Burgundy: I forbid it!
Veronica Corningstone: You forbid it? What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
Ron Burgundy: Who the hell is Julius Caesar? You know I don’t follow the NBA.
Veronica Corningstone: Look, I am so sorry that this happened, Ron. But you and I, we’re partners, sweetheart. And when something good happens to me, it also happens to you.
Ron Burgundy: That’s ridiculous! It clearly just happened to you!
Veronica Corningstone: You’re…
[to Ron as they hear someone walking downstairs]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, be quiet.
Walter Burgundy: Mom?
Lupita: I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Burgundy. He don’t go to sleep.
Ron Burgundy: Dammit, Lupita. What have you been doing up there, eating nachos?
Walter Burgundy: Mommy? Daddy? Why are you yelling at each other? Did Mom touch Dad’s hair again?
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, honey, why don’t you just go to bed, alright? Mommy and Daddy are just having a discussion.
Ron Burgundy: No! He needs to hear this. He’s six years old, he’s a man.
Ron Burgundy: Walter, listen to me. Life isn’t a fairy tale, it’s not a bunch of jumping rope and grabbing ass. It’s complicated. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up?
Walter Burgundy: I want to be an astronaut or a cowboy!
Ron Burgundy: You’re never going to be any of those, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Ron Burgundy: You’ve got to set the bar a lot lower. Service industry, fry cook, prison guard. Maybe you’re a lighting guy at a porn shoot. Which basically means you hold up a flashlight while adults do things.
Veronica Corningstone: He is a child, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Nah, nah, nah, nah! He’s got hair on his nugs. He’s old enough to hear this.
Lupita: Your father is a wise man.
Veronica Corningstone: I will lock you in a closet!
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, here’s the bottom line. It’s a very simple decision. It’s either me or the job.
Veronica Corningstone: It doesn’t have to be a choice, Ron. Don’t do this. Don’t throw away everything that we’ve worked so hard for.
Ron Burgundy: Me, or the job.
[six months later; at Sea World]
Announcer: Hello, and welcome to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at Sea World, sponsored by British Petroleum. BP Oil, nature’s best friend. And now, here’s your host, Ron Burgundy.
[a drunk Ron appears holding his microphone in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other]
Ron Burgundy: Good afternoon, everyone. And welcome to world famous Sea World, here in San Diago, California. Here’s a fun fact, dolphins aren’t fish, they’re mammals. Here’s another fun fact, I haven’t felt the loving embrace of a human being in over three months.
[he starts sobbing and the people in the crowd look at him with confusion]
Ron Burgundy: I’m so lonely I paid a hobo to spoon with me. Let’s bring out our world class trainers here, Jesse and Paula.
[the two women walk onto the platform]
Sea World Trainer: Thank you. Thank you, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Sometimes I try to kiss ’em.
[Ron starts to laugh and the trainer laughs awkwardly with him]
Sea World Trainer: Ron Burgundy, everyone.
Ron Burgundy: I want to kiss you.
Sea World Trainer: No.
Ron Burgundy: Or I’ll kiss your friend.
Sea World Trainer: No.
[to the crowd]
Ron Burgundy: How about the two trainers kiss each other? What do you say, huh?
[some of the crowd starts cheering]
Sea World Trainer: So, let’s say hello to the stars of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo!
[the two dolphins appears from under the water]
Ron Burgundy: For your information, Chippy was rehabilitated and Roo-roo is an asshole.
[the crowd claps as the dolphins swim around the pool on their tail]
Ron Burgundy: Wooh! Look, they’re swimming and doing tricks. Folks, what do you expect? They’re dolphins.
[one of the dolphins comes to the edge of the pool and starts squeaking]
Ron Burgundy: What did you say? Look at you, with that permanent smile. You think you’re so smart with your secret language. You just fart out of the top of your head.
[Ron starts mocking the dolphin by blowing raspberries and the crowd starts booing him]
Sea World Kid #1: You’re a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Sea World Kid #2: Booooo…
Sea World Kid #3: Children and animals hate you, Ron Burgundy!
Ron Burgundy: I would eat dolphins if it was legal!
[Ron is being escorted into his dressing room by two Sea World guards]
Ron Burgundy: Unhand me, you buffoons!
[they throw Ron to the ground]
Sea World Manager: Alright, first, you threw up in the shark tank. Then you fed the seals a chicken gyro? And now this? You’re fired, you washed-up drunk!
[he turns to leave the room]
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, Trevor?
[the manager leaves the room and shuts the door]
Ron Burgundy: Every morning I get here a half hour early and I sexually assault a starfish!
[Ron decides to hang himself from the fluorescent light]
Ron Burgundy: This is the end of the road, I’m not turning back.
[his dog starts barking as Ron ties the rope around the fluorescent light]
Ron Burgundy: Well, I know it’s not a pretty sight. And you’re going to be the sole witness. If you can’t handle it, you leave the room.
[his dog starts whining as Ron puts the other end of the rope around his neck]
Ron Burgundy: It’s too late, Baxter. I’m going the way of the ancient samurai who, when dishonored, would hang themselves from a fluorescent light.
[Baxter barks at him]
Ron Burgundy: Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
[as Ron jumps off the chair his weight causes the light to break and he falls to the floor]
Ron Burgundy: Sweet cream on nipples!
[after Ron’s failed suicide attempt Freddie Shapp enters the room]
Freddie Shapp: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Hello, I…
[he notices Ron on the floor with the rope still around his neck and broken glass everywhere]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, my God! What the hell happened?
Ron Burgundy: Um, uh, um, I tried to hang myself? Because my life’s a mess? And I saw no other option?
Freddie Shapp: I think you’re telling the truth, but why are you saying it like you’re lying?
Ron Burgundy: It was a call for help? But it didn’t work cause I’m too heavy and the ceiling lamp broke? Something like that?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah…
Ron Burgundy: Yeah, yeah.
Freddie Shapp: I think you’re telling the truth.
Ron Burgundy: Well, yeah. That’s what happened.
[later Ron and Freddie are eating at a diner]
Ron Burgundy: These are first-rate flapjacks. I’m telling you, suicide makes you hungry, I don’t care what anyone says.
Freddie Shapp: My name is Freddie Shapp, and I’m a producer of a new kind of news. We’re starting a twenty-four hour news channel, first of its kind. GNN, The Global News Network.
[Ron starts laughing]
Ron Burgundy: That is without a doubt the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You mean news going twenty-four hours around the clock? A channel that’s never off, in other words?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah. Yeah. Just twenty-four hours, it’s, it’s,, uh,
[Ron laughs again]
Ron Burgundy: No offense, but you are a stupid asshole.
Freddie Shapp: Mr. Burgundy, I assure you we are a hundred percent for real. We’ve got state of the art facilities in Manhattan, and Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire and owner of Koala Airlines.
Ron Burgundy: So glad he was acquitted of murder. I’m a big Kench Allenby guy.
Freddie Shapp: He’s funding the whole network. He believes in it.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t think you understand, Freddie. My hero, Mack Tannen, told me I was the worst journalist he’d ever seen. I’m not good enough.
[Shapp opens his briefcase and takes out an envelope]
Freddie Shapp: Here. This is your, uh, first week’s salary.
[he hands the envelope to Ron who opens it and looks at the cash]
Ron Burgundy: By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
Freddie Shapp: What do, what do you say, Ron?
[Ron hesitates a moment before replying]
Ron Burgundy: I’ll take the job. And I swear I’ll be number one again. I’ll take back my son, restore my reputation and make everything right with Veronica. But more importantly, I’m going to do what God put Ron Burgundy on this Earth to do; have salon-quality hair and read the news.
Freddie Shapp: Ron, you’ve made my day.
Ron Burgundy: I’ve got the best damn news team in the world.
Freddie Shapp: Your call.
Ron Burgundy: I just have to find them.
[Ron drives in his truck to San Diego]
Ron Burgundy: San Diago.
[to Baxter who’s sat on the passenger seat next to him]
Ron Burgundy: Looks like we begin our search right here at home. Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired for being drunk on the air and saying, “The only Olympic sport Filipinos are good at is eating cats and dogs.”
[Baxter barks; we then see Champ doing an advert for his fried chicken restaurant called Whammy Chicken]
Champ Kind: Who loves chicken? You do!
Whammy Chicken Girls: We do!
Champ Kind: Delicious chicken, swing on through! Meet the crew! I’m local San Diego legend Champ Kind, and I believe in two things: good chicken, and that the census is a way for the U.N. to make your children gay. So come on by and grab a wing. Cause when you do, you’ll say, “Whammy!” No Catholics or Jews admitted.
[we then see Champ serving a customer as his ad plays on the TV in the background]
Champ Kind: Alright, there you go. One Whammy Special with Whammy Slaw.
Whammy Chicken Customer: There’s a used Band-Aid in my coleslaw!
Champ Kind: Oh, my gosh. Let me take care of that.
[Champ bends to take something from behind the counter and suddenly brings out baseball bat]
Champ Kind: Get out of here before I smash your head in, you Commie bastard! If you’re from the census, you take me off your list!
[the customer runs out and at that moment Ron walks in]
Ron Burgundy: You never did have much of a bedside manner, Champ.
Champ Kind: Ron? Ron Burgundy? Get over here!
Ron Burgundy: How are you, friend?
[they embrace and Champ holds on tightly to Ron]
Champ Kind: God, I have longed for you.
Ron Burgundy: It’s good to see you, too.
[as Champ holds onto Ron with longing]
Champ Kind: Oh, this feels like home. Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Are you alright?
Champ Kind: Yeah, I’m fine. Better now.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, let’s break the huddle here, huh?
Champ Kind: Yeah. Okay.
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
[as Champ is reluctant to let go, Ron pulls Champ’s hands off him]
Champ Kind: You get back here!
[Champ goes to grab Ron again but Ron pushes his hand away again]
Ron Burgundy: Don’t be weird!
[later Champ and Ron are sat in Champ’s restaurant]
Champ Kind: So, anyway, Harken sat me down, he said, “Champ, you’re a dangerous alcoholic, a racist and I don’t think you know a lick about sports.”
Ron Burgundy: Mm.
Champ Kind: And I said, “Ed, you dirty Polack, it’s ten in the morning. Let’s go have some drinks, go to a baseball game where the Mexicans hit some touchdowns.” Then he fires me. Fortunately, on the way out the door, I fake a work injury. With the settlement, I bought this place.
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m glad to see you landed on your feet, Champ.
Champ Kind: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Listen, uh, can I ask you a question?
Champ Kind: Sure. Anything.
[he holds up one of the fried chickens being served at Whammy Chicken]
Ron Burgundy: Is this chicken?
Champ Kind: Hell, no. It’s really impossible to turn a profit if you serve real chicken. Yeah. We use mainly bats.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Champ Kind: Yeah. But the good quality kind.
Ron Burgundy: That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard.
Champ Kind: Yeah? You got to do what you got to do, right?
Ron Burgundy: So what you got to do is serve fried bats?
Champ Kind: Yep.
Champ Kind: Do you know what they call bats?
Ron Burgundy: Bats.
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.
Ron Burgundy: No one calls them Chicken of the Cave. Who’s “they,” by the way?
Champ Kind: There’s a guy I met named Paco, sells bikers speed at the pier.
Ron Burgundy: So that guy calls them Chicken of the Cave.
Champ Kind: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not “they.”
Champ Kind: Why don’t you have a bite and stop judging it?
Ron Burgundy: I’m not going to bite into a fried bat.
Champ Kind: It’s delicious.
Ron Burgundy: It’s all tendon, look at it.
[suddenly a bat flies through the restaurant and out the door making the customers gasp in shock]
Ron Burgundy: Was that a bat?
Champ Kind: Chicken of the Cave.
Ron Burgundy: What brings you here, Ron?
Champ Kind: My friend, we’ve got a job, in New York City.
Ron Burgundy: Whammy! I’m in! You’ve got yourself a sportscaster.
[he shakes Ron’s hand]
Champ Kind: Oh, great.
[Champ turns to one of his employees]
Champ Kind: Denny!
[he throws the keys to Denny]
Champ Kind: Lock up!
Ron Burgundy: Any idea where Brian Fantana is?
Champ Kind: You haven’t heard? Fantana hit the big time.
[we see Brian in a photography studio holding a camera]
Brian Fantana: Oh, baby. Yeah, that’s it, play for me. Just play around. Roll around and lift those legs up. Mm. You are a hairy little thing, aren’t you?
[we see he’s taking photos of kittens]
Brian Fantana: Yeah. Oh, I like what’s happening! Oh, that’s it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you little fuzzball, that’s… Oh! I got it.
[as he finishes his crew clap for him]
Brian Fantana: It’s not getting any better than that.
Brian’s Female Assistant: That’s brilliant!
Brian Fantana: Yeah, yeah.
[just then Ron and Champ walk in]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, Brian, you have any time for the little people?
[Brian looks surprised for a moment]
Brian Fantana: Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch.
[Brian and Ron laugh as they embrace]
Champ Kind: Hey, Brian.
Brian Fantana: Champ!
[Brian embraces Champ]
Champ Kind: Hi, how you doing?
[Champ then turns to embrace Ron]
Champ Kind: Hey!
Brian Fantana: This is a…
[Ron tries to push Champ away]
Ron Burgundy: Cool it!
Brian Fantana: Oh, I can’t believe it. Oh, wow! It’s great to see you! Welcome. Welcome to my doje.
Ron Burgundy: Wow, this place is spectacular!
Champ Kind: It’s amazing.
Brian Fantana: A bit chaotic today. We got the Cat Fancy cover coming out, you know how that can be.
Ron Burgundy: Mm.
Champ Kind: I’ve been living in a tent for the last two years.
Brian Fantana: Oh, yeah, this is not that.
[Brian then shows them around his house]
Brian Fantana: We got a sauna in the kitchen. A lot of people think that’s weird, but uh..I keep wine in it. I’m not a wine guy, but I know you got to keep it hot.
Ron Burgundy: Right.
Brian Fantana: Oh, and check this out. This was fun.
[he points to photo framed photo of a kitten stuck in a fish bowl with the caption “I hate Mondays!”]
Brian Fantana: We shot this over two weeks in Prague.
Ron Burgundy: Wow.
Champ Kind: You know what they call cats? Chicken of the rail yard.
Ron Burgundy: No.
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Don’t indulge him.
Brian Fantana: Yeah.
Champ Kind: There’s a lot of meat…
Brian Fantana: But I love it.
Ron Burgundy: And what’s so great about it is it’s so damn true. I hate Mondays. I’m not a Monday guy.
Champ Kind: Ron hates Mondays. Hell, I’m not crazy about ’em, either. I also don’t like Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays.
[they all laugh]
Brian Fantana: So why are you guys here, anyway?
Ron Burgundy: Well, Brian, we’re getting the news team back together again.
Brian Fantana: Really?
Ron Burgundy: And, of course, we want to know if you’ll join us.
Brian Fantana: Jeez, I don’t know. I kind of got the world by the tail her. I don’t know if I can.
Champ Kind: Christ, I get it. I mean, you’re the Quincy Jones of cat photographers. Why would you leave all this?
Ron Burgundy: Hey, Brian, I don’t know if you heard, but New York has all-nude strip clubs.
[we see Brian has joined Ron and Champ as Ron drives them to their next location]
Ron Burgundy: The question still remains, where’s Brick Tamland?
Brian Fantana: Oh. You guys didn’t hear?
Champ Kind: No, what happened?
Brian Fantana: Brick’s dead.
[at Brick’s funeral we see on his headstone it has the engraving “I like toasters. I also like mittens because they are easy to put on.”; to Ron and Champ]
Brian Fantana: Brick was lost at sea about a year ago. Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it, he never came back.
[they listen as their old boss, Ed Harken, says a few words]
Ed Harken: We all loved Brick, even though he never had a phone number or address or a social security number. In six years of working at the station, he never cashed a paycheck.
Ron Burgundy: That sweet Brick.
Ed Harken: He was a sensitive man, though. He told me he wanted to donate his organs to science before he died, so he could see where they ended up. He’ll long be remembered and he’ll be sorely missed.
[Ed turns steps aside and then next person to step up to say a few words is Brick]
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Reverend.
Brian Fantana: Oh.
Ed Harken: Oh, come on!
[everyone looks frustrated]
Brick Tamland: Brick was a great man.
Ron Burgundy: Really?
Brick Tamland: And I will miss him so much. And I will not rest until I find his killer.
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: His killer?
Brick Tamland: It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.
Brian Fantana: He’s not gone!
[Brick starts weeping]
Brick Tamland: I feel that I just saw him yesterday!
Ron Burgundy: You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.
Brick Tamland: When I got the news, I didn’t even know how to make sense out of it!
Brian Fantana: None of us understand!
[Brick starts yelling hysterically]
Brick Tamland: Why? Why? Why did you take him from us?
Ron Burgundy: You’re clearly standing in front of us, Brick.
[Brick still ignores them as he cries hysterically]
Brick Tamland: Goddamn you!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Brick Tamland: Brick is dead!
Champ Kind: No, Brick’s alive.
Brick Tamland: Brick is dead! Look at him!
[he points to his own picture]
Ron Burgundy: He’s not dead.
Champ Kind: He’s not dead, Brick. You’re not dead.
Ron Burgundy: You’re Brick!
Brian Fantana: Brick, it’s you!
Brick Tamland: He’s dead!
Ron, Brian, Champ: No!
Ron Burgundy: You are Brick! Touch yourself.
Brick Tamland: I am Brick?
Ron, Brian, Champ: Yes!
Brick Tamland: I’m alive?
Ron, Brian, Champ: Yes!
[Brick starts laughing with joy]
Ed Harken: Of course. Of course you are. Oh, for heaven’s sake.
[Brick embraces Harken]
Ron Burgundy: You kind of, you kind of want to slug him. You want to slug him.
[as they are driving to New York in Ron’s van]
Ron Burgundy: Do you remember our Easter trip to San Francisco? We got so drunk, we put Brick in a refrigerator box and threw him off the Golden Gate Bridge.
[they all laugh]
Brick Tamland: I broke my back!
Ron Burgundy: Yes!
Brian Fantana: What about the time that you dared Champ to drink that beer stein full of Woolite?
Ron Burgundy: He drained it faster than you could say, “No, don’t do it. That’s the equivalent of drinking poison.”
[they all laugh again]
Champ Kind: Oh, Lord, I was in a six month coma. They said from the neurological damage, there’s no way I’d live past fifty-five!
[they all laugh again]
Ron Burgundy: You got three years left, my friend.
Brick Tamland: You’re going to die!
[they continue to laugh]
Brick Tamland: Hey, hey, remember, I was by myself and I had that dream about the orange tree, but instead of oranges, it had babies on it?
[the others look at Brick as he laughs]
Brick Tamland: It was a baby tree!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, how could we remember? It’s your dream.
Brick Tamland: I don’t know. It’s all the same thing.
[Brick continues to laugh hard]
Ron Burgundy: I mean, it’s an interesting dream, but we’re telling stories involving the entire news team from the past.
Brick Tamland: Or how about the time when I was born and I came out of the vagina? I was screaming, “Here I come! Ooh! Here I come, Mom!”
Ron Burgundy: First off, Brick, I highly doubt you remember your own birth. And, once again, we weren’t there.
[Brick laughs again]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I can’t, Ron, I can’t stop laughing, Ron! Ron!
Brian Fantana: Put a pencil in his mouth.
Ron Burgundy: It’s okay.
[Brick starts to slow down his laughing]
Ron Burgundy: There you go.
Brick Tamland: I’m okay now.
Brian Fantana: Man, this just feels right! The news team is back!
Champ Kind: Ron, Brian, Brick, me, even Baxter!
Brick Tamland: That old man is so little and hairy!
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron, who’s driving?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay, it’s on cruise control.
[we see that no one is driving the car]
Ron Burgundy: Who wants some chimichangas? Huh? Best thing I ever did was install this deep fryer in the ‘bago.
Champ Kind: Ron, why do you have this bag of bowling balls and this terrarium filled with scorpions?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s a long crazy story.
Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron. Cruise control just regulates speed, it doesn’t steer.
Ron Burgundy: Come again?
[suddenly the van steers off the road causing it to topple over which makes the hot oil from the deep fryer, the bowling balls and scorpions injure each of them as the can finally lands by the side of the road]
Ron Burgundy: Well, that is going to make one hell of a story.
[they all laugh]
[as they drive into New York]
Ron Burgundy: The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy is back.
Champ Kind: Why do they call it the Big Apple, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: It’s because New York has an apple tree on every street.
[at GNN station, Freddie shows them around]
Freddie Shapp: Here we are. Welcome to GNN.
Brian Fantana: I don’t know, Ron. Are you sure about this place?
Freddie Shapp: Guys, I know it’s a bit of a mess, but trust me, everything will be ready for the launch tomorrow. And we’ve culled the whole country for the best newsmen. There’s Curtis Knightfish from Houston.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Curtis Knightfish. They don’t get any better than that.
Freddie Shapp: Yeah. And there’s Diane Yahwea from Carson City.
Champ Kind: Diane Yahwea. You know what they call her, right? “All the Way Yahwea.”
Brick Tamland: She’s my aunt.
Freddie Shapp: And the best in the biz. Jack Lime, out of Chicago. Rumor is Allenby is giving him one mil a year.
Champ Kind: That’s crazy. Who’s worth that kind of money?
[Jack Lime turns and the guys are mesmerized by his good looks]
Champ Kind: Oh, my God! He’s absolutely magnificent!
Ron Burgundy: I bet his poop smells like sandalwood.
[shouting across the room to Ron as he stares at Jack]
Jack Lime: Can I help you, guy?
Ron Burgundy: What was that?
Jack Lime: I said, can I help you, guy?
Ron Burgundy: Uh, what do you mean?
Jack Lime: Well, you’re staring at me, hotshot. Do you want my autograph?
[the men standing behind Jack laugh]
Ron Burgundy: No, he was just explaining who you were and I was looking at you. And then he said something and I was still looking at you.
[mocking Ron’s voice]
Jack Lime: Roo-ree-ra-ree-roo-ra-roh!
[Jack, along with Brian, Champ, Brick and Freddie all laugh]
Brick Tamland: Jack Lime is a great man!
Ron Burgundy: Is that what I sound like when I talk?
[Brick tries to copy Jack’s imitation of Ron talking]
Brick Tamland: Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!
Ron Burgundy: I guess it’s funny.
Jack Lime: Is there a problem?
Ron Burgundy: No, no, no. No, no, no. No problem.
Jack Lime: Well, you’re making a face like you got a problem.
Ron Burgundy: Um, I’m sorry that I’m making that face. I don’t mean to make a face that seems like I have a problem.
Jack Lime: I don’t like that face! You need to change it, change it quick.
[whispering to Ron]
Freddie Shapp: Stop making that face.
Ron Burgundy: Is this face better?
[Ron tries to change the expression of his face]
Jack Lime: Oh, I don’t like… Oh, that new face is driving me crazy! Change it, now!
Freddie Shapp: You’re getting him mad.
Ron Burgundy: I only have so many faces.
[Ron changes his face to show another expression]
Jack Lime: I’m just grinding your gears, man.
Jack Lime: Welcome to the station! We’re going to have a good time together.
[Jack laughs again as he turns from them]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, my God. That’s, uh, vintage Jack Lime. Come on, guys. Let’s go meet the boss.
[as they wait in their new boss’s office]
Freddie Shapp: We’ll have separate cameras for you, and then sports and then weather.
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you this, Freddie, how’s the new head honcho?
Freddie Shapp: Well, Linda Jackson has a shelf full of Emmys. She’s as tough as nails. And Linda loves to win.
[their new boss, Linda Jackson, enters her office with her male assistant]
Freddie Shapp: Oh, hey! Linda! I want to introduce you to Ron Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Linda Jackson. How are you, my friend?
[Ron ignores Linda and shakes Linda’s assistant’s hand]
Freddie Shapp: Ron.
Ron Burgundy: What?
[pointing to Linda]
Freddie Shapp: This is Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
[Ron looks visibly shocked]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Um, black. Black.
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, just stop, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop saying, black, the word black.
Linda Jackson: Hello, Mr. Burgundy.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: Stop.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: Stop saying black.
[Ron closes his mouth trying hard not to say the word when it bursts out again]
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Freddie Shapp: Stop saying it!
Ron Burgundy: If I don’t say it, I’ll pass out.
Linda Jackson: Uh, Donna, can you please get me a cup of coffee?
Linda’s Assistant: Right away, Miss. Jackson.
Linda Jackson: Thank you.
[her assistant leaves the office]
Linda Jackson: Please be seated. Everyone.
Ron Burgundy: Sure.
Linda Jackson: Please be seated.
[they all take a seat]
Linda Jackson: Great. So I know that all of you are aware that the news community is laughing at what we’re trying to do here at 24-hour news. But that is why they brought me in.
Freddie Shapp: She’s the best.
Linda Jackson: You see, gentlemen, I don’t lose.
Ron Burgundy: Listen, I feel like I need to clear the air.
Linda Jackson: Oh, please don’t.
Ron Burgundy: I want to say, on behalf of the entire news team, we are huge supporters of all African and Americans.
Brick Tamland: Veronica got so tanned.
Ron Burgundy: I remember the first African and American I ever saw.
Linda Jackson: It’s African-American.
Ron Burgundy: Are you sure?
Linda Jackson: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Absolutely a hundred percent positive? It isn’t like…
Freddie Shapp: Ron…
Ron Burgundy: Fish and chips?
Brian Fantana: Hey, we’re all the same on the inside, stinky and pink.
Champ Kind: When I was in high school, me and my buddies used to sneak in the girls locker room. We’d peek at the girls in the shower, and I’d look at all of them, no matter what color they were. So…
Freddie Shapp: Jesus, this is the worst meeting I’ve ever been in.
Brick Tamland: A black man follows me everywhere when it’s sunny.
Ron Burgundy: Actually, I think that’s your shadow, Brick.
Brick Tamland: I call him Leon.
Ron Burgundy: And if it’s a cloudy day, what happens to Leon?
Brick Tamland: He goes home.
Ron Burgundy: It’s your shadow. He’s talking about his shadow.
Linda Jackson: Shut your damn mouths! Sit down!
[Ron sits on the couch and Brick sits behind the couch]
Linda Jackson: What’s he doing?
Ron Burgundy: I think you scared him. You can’t shout at Brick.
Linda Jackson: Oh, is he, is he alright?
Ron Burgundy: Um, can you sing him a soothing siren song? Just a high melodic…
[he starts humming a tune]
Linda Jackson: I’m not singing along with you.
[Brick shows his face from behind the couch]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Come on, Brick. Brick! Linda has a balloon.
[Brick comes up from behind the couch and sits on the edge of the couch]
Ron Burgundy: You better get him a balloon.
Linda Jackson: Is this for real, Freddie?
Freddie Shapp: Linda, I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: No, it’s okay! It’s okay.
Linda Jackson: So you have a black boss, and it’s freaking you out. Is it freaking you out?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit…
Linda Jackson: You freaked out?
Ron Burgundy: To be honest.
Linda Jackson: Is it freaking you out?!
Champ Kind: Oh, she’s got a knife!
Linda Jackson: I don’t give a shit! We’re not all here to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
Ron Burgundy: Black.
Linda Jackson: So as long as you guys get numbers, we are going to get along just fine. Now, if you don’t, I am going to be icy and unpleasant. You dig?
Ron Burgundy: I dig. We all dig.
Brick Tamland: I like to dig. One time I went digging for treasure and I found half a body.
Linda Jackson: Get out of my office!
[after they leave Linda’s office]
Ron Burgundy: I’m telling you, you can’t give an inch in those situations. And I think we held our ground pretty firmly.
Freddie Shapp: Guys. Guys, we got you an apartment on the Upper East Side and a whole new wardrobe.
Ron Burgundy: That’s wonderful. When do we begin our broadcast?
Freddie Shapp: Well, the big launch is tomorrow at twelve noon.
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Freddie Shapp: Uh, you guys are slotted for the 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. slot.
Ron Burgundy: What? That’s the graveyard shift!
Brick Tamland: I ain’t afraid of no ghost.
Freddie Shapp: Oh, come on. It’s going to be great. Let’s get your keys. Come on!
[they all follow Freddie except for Brick]
Ron Burgundy: Is there booze in the apartment?
Freddie Shapp: Of course there’s going to be booze. Of course.
[as the others leave with Freddie, Brick is stood staring at a woman, Chani Lastnamé, who’s staring at the phone as it rings, Brick walks over to Chani]
Brick Tamland: It won’t stop.
Chani Lastnamé: Sometimes it stops, but then it starts again.
[Chani’s boss walks over]
Chani’s Boss: What are you doing, Chani? Answer it!
[she answers the phone]
Chani’s Boss: Hi. Yes, let me transfer you.
[she puts down the phone and turns to Chani]
Chani’s Boss: Your job is to answer the phones.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m getting ready for Secret Santa. When is that again?
Chani’s Boss: It’s at Christmas time. When else would it be?
[she turns and walks off]
Brick Tamland: I’m Brick. I was dead last week.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m Chani. I like the place between your head and your body.
Brick Tamland: I like your hair. It looks like wet popcorn.
Chani Lastnamé: Thank you.
Brick Tamland: Would you like to see the smile that I use when I pose for photographs?
Chani Lastnamé: Yes, please.
Chani Lastnamé: Do you want to see the face I make when I see a snake made out of candy?
Brick Tamland: Yes.
[Chani eyes open wide and she rolls her tongue over her mouth]
Brick Tamland: That’s good.
Chani Lastnamé: What’s your favorite time of day?
Brick Tamland: Now. What’s your favorite time of day?
Chani Lastnamé: A minute ago.
[Brick quickly touches her shoulder and runs off]
[a happy looking Ron goes to visit Ron goes to visit Veronica, he knocks on her door]
Ron Burgundy: Surprise! Big daddy’s back.
Veronica Corningstone: Ron. What are you doing here?
Ron Burgundy: I’m over at GNN. I’m living in the city again.
Veronica Corningstone: I really wish that you would have called first.
Ron Burgundy: Look, it doesn’t matter whose fault the break-up was, okay? I was stubborn. You were like a mentally ill whore having PMS from the 1800s.
Veronica Corningstone: What’s your point, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: The point is, I’m back home. And I want to spend the rest of my life…
Gary: Honey, who is it?
[Veronica’s new boyfriend, Gary, comes over to join Veronica at the door]
Gary: Hi, Ron. I’m Gary, Veronica’s lover.
[Ron, Veronica and Gary sit in the living in awkward silence with Ron tapping on the gift box he’d brought for Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: So is that a gift for me, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh.
Ron Burgundy: It’s for Walter.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: So when were you going to tell me about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, you walked out on me. What did you expect me to do?
Gary: Ron, this is awkward, I know. I’m sitting here with your wife, we make love.
Ron Burgundy: I’m this close to shooting a flare gun at your dick.
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: So what does this Gary do for a living, huh? Have you done a background check on him?
Veronica Corningstone: Gary is actually one of the most successful psychologists in all of Manhattan, Ron.
Gary: Oh, really sweet.
Ron Burgundy: Are you reading my mind right now?
Gary: Ron, do you even know what a psychologist is?
Ron Burgundy: Fuck you.
[Ron throws a punch at Gary but he dodges it]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Gary: It’s okay.
Veronica Corningstone: You stop that!
Gary: He’s externalizing, that’s okay.
Veronica Corningstone: No, it’s not okay!
Gary: He’s mad.
Ron Burgundy: You knew I was going to throw that punch cause you’re reading my mind!
Walter Burgundy: Mom! I’m home!
Gary: Hey, little guy.
Veronica Corningstone: Hey, darling.
Ron Burgundy: Hi, Walter.
Walter Burgundy: Hey, Dad.
[Walter embraces Ron]
Walter Burgundy: I missed you!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, your father has a gift for you.
Ron Burgundy: I have a gift specifically for you, Walter. There you go.
[Ron gives the gift box to Walter and looks at Gary]
Ron Burgundy: Yes, Gary.
[Walter opens the box and takes out the lacy lingerie that was meant for Veronica]
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, that’s actually for me, Walter.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not. It’s for Walter. It’s a superhero costume.
Walter Burgundy: What is it?
Ron Burgundy: It’s Lace Man, it’s a brand new superhero.
Walter Burgundy: I’m going to be Lace Man!
Gary: Look, Ron, joint custody isn’t easy. But what we need to do is rally around this little guy right now, okay?
Ron Burgundy: Well that’s never going to happen.
Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
Ron Burgundy: Because you, Veronica, are unfit to be a mother!
Veronica Corningstone: Need I remind you that you took that child to a cock fight?
Ron Burgundy: The game of champions!
[as they argue Walter has put the lace lingerie over his head and is pretending to be a superhero]
Walter Burgundy: I’m Lace Man!
Ron Burgundy: He had the time of his life!
Veronica Corningstone: He came home splattered in blood!
Ron Burgundy: He picked eight winning cocks, it’s never been done!
Veronica Corningstone: You have never tried to connect with Walter.
Ron Burgundy: Alright, let’s keep it civil in front of the boy. It’s bad enough his mother likes to go down on rodeo clowns.
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, you know what, out!
Gary: Alright. Get your things! Let’s go.
Ron Burgundy: Fine. I’m out of here. Don’t have to tell me twice.
Gary: Get your things.
[Ron gets up and puts his coat on to leave]
Ron Burgundy: Will see you guys later.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, you will.
Walter Burgundy: Goodbye, Dad! Thanks for the present.
Ron Burgundy: Goodbye, Walter, my little man. You promise to do good in school, okay?
Veronica Corningstone: Okay.
Ron Burgundy: And stay away from the he-shes…
Veronica Corningstone: Ron!
Ron Burgundy: …down in the Bowery.
Gary: Ron, I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks, they got the curves, they got the, the chi-chi’s, and then at some point during the evening, you reach down below the belt looking to, to get a little muffellita and you get a handful of the battle of the bulge.
[looks over to Walter]
Ron Burgundy: You hear what I’m saying, Walter?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I do.
Gary: Ron, it was nice meeting you. I think it’s time for you to go.
[Ron goes to throw another punch at Gary which he dodges again]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: You knew! You anticipated that because you’re reading my mind! That confirms it!
[at the GNN Champ notices Jack at the other end of the office]
Champ Kind: There’s Lime.
Ron Burgundy: Huh?
Champ Kind: Look at him, he’s a Goddamn prince!
Brian Fantana: Man, there’s just something about him, you know? I’d give anything to be friends with him.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t see what the big deal is. You know? He’s not that great.
[Jack turns to the group as they stare at him and shouts across the room]
Jack Lime: What did you say?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
Jack Lime: I heard you say something.
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, what did I say? Oh, nothing.
Jack Lime: No, I heard you say something.
Brick Tamland: He said you’re not that great!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!
Jack Lime: Is that what you said about me?
[Jack starts coming over to them]
Champ Kind: He’s coming over here.
Ron Burgundy: I know!
Jack Lime: I’m going to rip this guy in half.
[his colleagues try to stop Jack from hitting Ron]
Jack Lime: No, no, no! No, no, no. Just give me a little piece of him.
Ron Burgundy: Uh, Jack, look, it’s just the guys look up to you so much, and I just was a little jealous. I just said some junk.
Jack Lime: That’s funny. Aren’t you the guy who lost his job to his wife?
Crowd in Office: Ooh.
Jack Lime: Shouldn’t you be doing her makeup?
[Ron looks visibly mad, Freddie interrupts them]
Freddie Shapp: Alright, guys, that’s enough.
Ron Burgundy: No, shut up, Freddie!
Ron Burgundy: And you can shut your mouth! Okay, Jack Lame!
Crowd in Office: Oooh.
Jack Lime: Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina’s got some fight in him.
Ron Burgundy: You listen to this one, big fella.
Jack Lime: Yeah?
Ron Burgundy: I bet you that we beat your ratings tonight.
[everyone in the office laughs]
Jack Lime: I’m sorry! I’m trying to keep it together.
Freddie Shapp: No, no, no. No, no, no. Don’t do this. Don’t do this. You’re on at 2:00 a.m., Jack has prime time!
Jack Lime: Maybe. No. Hey, Freddie. No, no, no. Hey. I’ll take that bet. What are the stakes?
Ron Burgundy: If we lose, I’ll leave New York. And I’ll never read the news again.
Jack Lime: And, uh, if by some snowball’s chance in hell Mr. Mustache here pulls a miracle out of his ass?
Ron Burgundy: You change your name to Jack Lame, legally.
Jack Lime: I like this! You’re on, Stretch. Everyone heard him? Freddie, you heard him?
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, I heard him.
Jack Lime: This is on like Pong.
Ron Burgundy: Okay. Good.
[Jack and his team turn to leave with the other office workers cheering for them]
Brian Fantana: Why? Why did you make that bet, Ron? We’ve got the graveyard shift! We don’t have a chance!
[Jack shouts across the office again]
Jack Lime: Hey, guy!
Ron Burgundy: Huh?!
Jack Lime: This ain’t local news anymore. We shit standing up here.
Ron Burgundy: What?
[Jack and his team walk off]
Brian Fantana: It’s a huge mess. But damn, is it cool!
[before they are about to start broadcasting Linda addresses all the crew in the studio]
Linda Jackson: Alright, everyone! Ladies and gentlemen, today wouldn’t be possible without the visionary behind GNN. Mr. Kench Allenby!
[everyone claps as Allenby comes over to Linda and embraces her]
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, yeah!
Kench Allenby: Cheers, Linda.
[turning to the crew]
Kench Allenby: Alright, cheers. I tell you what, bad blood never made this one. Well, around this place, I tell you, I am jabbered, just jabbered. Full of beans, no doubt.
[everyone looks at him with confusion not understanding a word he’s saying due to his thick Australian accent]
Ron Burgundy: Does anyone else speak Australian?
Champ Kind: I thought they talked like us.
Kench Allenby: Can I get you to say with me, “How bloody are ya?!”
[Brick yells out trying to mumble what Allenby just said]
Ron Burgundy: We can’t quite understand you.
Kench Allenby: How’s this? I’m Kench Allenby.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, yes!
Champ Kind: Oh, there it is.
Ron Burgundy: That’s good.
Freddie Shapp: Yes. That’s good.
Ron Burgundy: There we go! Thank you so much.
Kench Allenby: I’m Kench Allenby and you all know my story. I’m a self-made man. My late, great father, Vadge Allenby, gave me three hundred million dollars and I toiled my whole bloody life to turn that into three hundred and five million dollars. True story. True story.
[everyone claps for him]
Kench Allenby: But this this 24-hour news station, this is history. This is like Columbus discovering the New World. And the captain for this fantastic voyage is the best newsman in America, Mr. Jack Lime!
[everyone claps for Jack as he goes to the front]
Freddie Shapp: Go get ’em, Jack! Go get ’em!
Jack Lime: Thank you. Hey, and, uh, good luck to Ron Burgundy, too.
[Jack takes his seat behind the news desk and looks over to Ron]
Jack Lime: Getting nervous there, compadre? Let’s do this.
Brian Fantana: Did you see that? How he spun on that desk? That was so great.
[Jack’s team gather around him as they get him ready]
GNN Stage Manager: Alright. Quiet on the floor, please.
[as Jack is getting his make-up finished we see Brick among the make-up artists using a brush to powder Jack’s face]
Ed Harken: Alright. Alright, we’re up. Here we go, here we go. In five, four, three, two…
[Jack looks into the camera and begins]
Jack Lime: Good day, and welcome to GNN. Thank you for joining us on what we believe to be a whole new era of news. I’m Jack Lime, your guide for this journey of events we humbly call 24-hour news. Today’s top story, Mount St. Helen is showing signs off…
[at WBN the news team are all gathered around the TV watching Jack on GNN]
WBC Stage Manager: This is just a gimmick. It’s a flash in the pan.
Veronica Corningstone: We better hope so.
[Ed Harken and Garth are sat in a bar watching GNN on the TV]
Jack Lime: Residents are being asked to evacuate the area…
Ed Harken: Twenty-four hours of news. How are they going to keep coming up with this stuff?
Garth: My guess is they’ll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Ed Harken: No, I have a feeling they’ll stick with their integrity and only report the news that needs to be reported.
[Ron and his team are going through all the reports to find something news worthy]
Ron Burgundy: Let’s see here. “Global temperatures rise half a degree alarm climate scientists.” Boring. “China could dominate the world economy in the next decade.” Dan-dan- dan-dan-dan-dan-nope. Anyone else?
Brian Fantana: What if we show a porno instead of the news?
Freddie Shapp: No. Absolutely not.
Ron Burgundy: I know. What if we get one of those wildlife handlers? We have him bring in, uh, big cats, big game cats. You know, wild, dangerous tigers and lions and leopards and the such. We let ’em loose inside the studio with about a dozen chickens. We play rock music, and we just call it “Let Her Rip.”
Brian Fantana: I’d watch that. I’d watch that.
Freddie Shapp: Let Her Rip? You’re describing the end of civilization. That’s not news!
Ron Burgundy: If that’s the end of times, I’m, I got a front-row seat with a big tub of buttered popcorn, and a, and a greasy half-live chicken leg.
Freddie Shapp: Okay, so obviously this is a waste of time. I’m done.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie! Come on! We’re just brainstorming here. We’re trying to figure out how to make the news less boring, and you act like we peed in your milkshake.
Freddie Shapp: The news is supposed to be boring, Ron! This is serious stuff. You’re the one that made this stupid bet!
Ron Burgundy: I just don’t know why we have to tell the people what they need to hear. Why can’t we just tell them what they want to hear?
Freddie Shapp: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Say that again.
Ron Burgundy: I said, why do we have to tell the people what they need to hear? Why can’t we just tell them what they wan to hear?
Freddie Shapp: And what do they want to hear, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: That we live in the greatest country God ever created.
Champ Kind: Damn straight!
Freddie Shapp: Made him happy.
Ron Burgundy: And we should do stories on patriots. Cute, funny little animals, huh? Or diets. Uh, why blonds have more fun.
Brian Fantana: And serious investigative pieces…
Ron Burgundy: Mm-hmm.
Brian Fantana: About how much ejaculate is on hotel duvets.
Champ Kind: And only the best sports highlights. Home runs, slam dunks, touchdowns and no soccer.
Brick Tamland: I like the wind.
Ron Burgundy: Brick’s right. People love hurricanes. Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, we’ll throw Brick right in the middle of it.
Brian Fantana: You’d do that?
[Brick shrugs his shoulders indicating yes]
Ron Burgundy: People’ll go nuts. I’d watch that!
Freddie Shapp: No, this..this goes against every rule of broadcast journalism I know.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie, as the wise man once said, “so?”
Freddie Shapp: We got ten hours till we go on.
Ron Burgundy: We’ll only need eight!
[as Brick leaves the teams meeting he sees Chani again and the shock of it makes him drop his files, he watches as she looks at a lipstick and then he slowly walks over to her]
Brick Tamland: Is that candy?
Chani Lastnamé: I don’t know.
[Brick takes the lipstick, bites off a piece from it and eats it making him slightly choke]
Brick Tamland: It is candy.
Chani Lastnamé: I like you.
Brick Tamland: I like you.
Chani Lastnamé: Tell me something about you.
Brick Tamland: Well, I’m nineteen years old. My middle name is Courtney. I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if it’s not right. What about you?
Chani Lastnamé: My name is Chani Lastnamé. I’m a real go-getter and a person people. I can type fifty words a minute with only three hundred errors. I’m trained and certified…
Brick and Chani: To fire a military-grade missile launcher.
Brick Tamland: Me too.
[Chani’s boss interrupts them as she walks over to Chani]
Chani’s Boss: Chani, I just got these phone messages from last week. You mailed them to me?
Chani Lastnamé: How else was I going to get them to you?
Chani’s Boss: You hand them to me.
Chani Lastnamé: Oh.
Chani’s Boss: You are the dumbest person I’ve met in my entire life, and that’s not an exaggeration.
Chani Lastnamé: That makes me feel bad.
Chani’s Boss: Well, it’s the truth, Chani. I mean this is, and the day I’ve had today…
[suddenly Brick bursts out in anger]
Brick Tamland: You! Leave her alone!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me, sir!
Brick Tamland: Get your filthy hands off of her!
[Chani then starts yelling out]
Chani Lastnamé: Help, help, help!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me, sir!
Chani Lastnamé: Leave me alone, lady!
Chani’s Boss: Excuse me!
Brick Tamland: She is a goddess among women!
[he starts yelling and Chani joins him]
Chani’s Boss: Glen!
[suddenly Brick grabs the phone message from Chani’s boss’s hands and throws them aside]
Chani’s Boss: My phone messages!
Chani Lastnamé: Leave him alone!
[Chani takes a paper tray from a desk and throws the papers on her boss]
Chani’s Boss: Not today!
Brick Tamland: She has butterflies in her heart!
Chani’s Boss: Chani! I can see you behind that desk, and you’re fired!
[she storms off]
Chani Lastnamé: Why?
[after her boss walks off Brick goes over to Chani]
Brick Tamland: Are you okay?
Chani Lastnamé: You saved my life. She was trying to set me on fire.
Brick Tamland: I didn’t ask for these powers. I was given them.
Chani Lastnamé: Last night a bird chased me and I wished it was you.
Brick Tamland: Can we go to a date?
Chani Lastnamé: Yes.
[Brick quickly touches her shoulder then turns to leave, he stops then turns back to Chani and bows slightly then goes to leave again but turns and bows his head again after which he turns and runs off]
[sat behind his news desk in the dark, Ron prays just before they go live]
Ron Burgundy: Dear God, please help me pull this off. I swear, if you help me, I will become a monk. I will shave my head and become a monk in your dedica… No. Who are we kidding? I’m not going to do that.
[in the production room]
GNN Crew Member: Oh, did you hear? Evan said there’s some strange copy in the prompter.
GNN Director: It’s 2:00 a.m., it’s Freddie Shapp’s ass, not mine. Let’s go.
Narrator: [voice over] People who change history are rarely aware of it while doing so. Ron and his news team simply thought they were making the news more fun. Little did they know they were changing the course of broadcast history forever.
[as they go live]
Ron Burgundy: Hello, America. It’s 2:00 a.m., Eastern time. I’m Ron Burgundy, and tonight’s top story is America. She’s the greatest country in the world. Heck, the history of the world!
[as they watch GNN news in a bar]
Bar Patron: You’re damn right! Wooh!
[a man watches Ron in the hospital emergency area with a knife stuck in his head]
Ron Burgundy: Too much of the news is about what’s wrong with America.
Guy with Knife in Head: Amen, brother!
Ron Burgundy: Well, tonight, our top story is what’s right with America.
[a redneck and his wife are sat at home watching Ron on TV]
Redneck: Someone’s finally talking sense on the TV.
Ron Burgundy: For starters, we kick butt. Nazi butt. Russian butt.
[from the production room]
GNN Director: What the hell is he doing?
GNN Crew Member: He’s talking about America. Why, do you have a problem with that?
[as their show continues, Fontana does his segment]
Brian Fantana: Tonight I begin part one of my eleven part series on the power and mystery of the human vagina. This series will be a tasteful look at just what makes a vagina tick, as well as a look at the fifty greatest vaginae of the 20th century.
[from her home Linda watches this in shock]
Linda Jackson: Son of a bitch!
[she throws her glass aside in anger and leaves the house]
Ron Burgundy: One final question, and I’ll let you go. Who tops the list of the top fifty greatest vaginas?
Brian Fantana: Well, I don’t want to give anything away.
[they both laugh]
Ron Burgundy: I thought I had you.
Brian Fantana: I will give you number two.
Ron Burgundy: Please.
Brian Fantana: Madame Curie.
Ron Burgundy: Of course. Of course.
[next it’s Champ doing the sports just showing shots of different baseball players hitting the ball]
Champ Kind: Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Whammy! Back to you, Ron.
[next it’s Brick doing the weather report live from New York]
Brick Tamland: The wind has, is really windy.
Ron Burgundy: Brick? Brick, can you hear me?
Brick Tamland: I can’t hear you, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Okay, but you’re, you’re answering the question, so I think you can hear me.
Brick Tamland: No, I can!
Ron Burgundy: Brick, do you think there is any danger to the average person out there?
Brick Tamland: I’m afraid for the animals of New York, Ron. I saw a woman, and her dog was not, never touched the ground.
Ron Burgundy: You’re saying wind gusts as fast as a supersonic jet?
Brick Tamland: It looked like she was walking a dog balloon.
[in the production room]
GNN Director: And go, switch.
Ron Burgundy: And for our eighth and final animal story of the night. It looks like residents of North Yulk, Montana, have found the cutest little patriot on God’s green earth.
[Ron laughs as they show footage of cute little puppy surrounded by little flags of America]
Ron Burgundy: Look at that little guy! Oh, wow. He was having some fun. Well, for all of us here at GNN, I’m Ron Burgundy. And don’t just have a great night, have an American night.
[the lights go dim and the camera pans outs]
GNN Stage Manager: And we’re out!
[Freddie laughs in excitement]
Freddie Shapp: Wow! I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen!
Ron Burgundy: Yes.
[Champ hugs Freddie]
Champ Kind: You were electric, Ron! Whammy!
Brian Fantana: That just felt right! That felt right!
[he embraces Champ]
Brick Tamland: I was outside!
Ron Burgundy: You sure were, Brick. Wonderful job.
[Ron and Brick embrace]
Ron Burgundy: You did and amazing, great job.
[as the team are congratulating themselves Linda rushes on stage in anger]
Linda Jackson: What the hell was that?! What the hell was that?!
Freddie Shapp: Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Linda. We were just trying something new.
Linda Jackson: You changed the format of the entire show without consulting me? That’s unacceptable!
Ron Burgundy: Damn straight, sister. We just done went and brought it! And here’s the truth. You can’t handle it, little mama!
Linda Jackson: Get out! You are all terminated immediately!
Ron Burgundy: If you were a man, I’d knock you out.
Linda Jackson: Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!
[she pushes Ron in anger]
Linda Jackson: Take a swing! Take your best shot! Huh? I have five brothers, and two of them are defensive backs in the NFL, so come on!
Ron Burgundy: You want me to do it?
Linda Jackson: Yeah.
[Ron holds up his fist]
Ron Burgundy: This thing’s not going to feel good.
Champ Kind: Do it, Ron. Just do it.
Linda Jackson: Are you scared? What’s the, what’s the problem? Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?
[she starts mocking Ron by doing a chicken impression]
Ron Burgundy: I’m not a chicken at all.
Linda Jackson: I’m going to make that mustache of yours all bloody.
Ron Burgundy: Well…
Brian Fantana: Seems like you’re buying time, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’m not buying time.
Champ Kind: Ron, just do what men have been doing for thousands of years and punch the woman. Punch her!
Brian Fantana: You’re stalling.
Champ Kind: Punch the woman!
[holding up his fist again]
Ron Burgundy: Here comes the Toledo Express. All aboard!
[as Ron goes to punch Linda, she dodges his punch, hits him in the gut and Ron falls to the floor]
Brick Tamland: Ron! No!
[Brick suddenly tackles Freddie and knocks him to the ground]
Freddie Shapp: I didn’t do it!
[as he lies on the floor in pain, Ron starts squealing like a child]
Ron Burgundy: Mama, your baby’s hurt! Your baby!
Champ Kind: What is that sound you’re making? Good Lord!
Brian Fantana: You sound like a balloon. Pull yourself together, man.
Linda Jackson: Security!
[Ron continues squealing]
Ron Burgundy: They saw my pee-pee! The eighth grade boys saw my pee-pee!
Brian Fantana: Did you say that they saw your pee-pee?
Ron Burgundy: In the locker room, they saw my pee-pee!
Brian Fantana: You just knocked him back into fifth grade.
[the security guard comes over them]
Linda Jackson: Get him out of here!
[the next morning Allenby is looking at last night ratings]
Kench Allenby: Bugger me with a didgeridoo. Well we knew we’d struggle to start, but these ratings are lower than I’d even imagined.
GNN Producer: Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike, it really saved our whole launch.
Kench Allenby: Spike? What are you talking about?
Linda Jackson: What spike?
[looking at the ratings report]
Kench Allenby: Burgundy. Who’s Ron Burgundy? No, no, no. This can’t be right. His team start at a point two, and then they finish at a five point six? That’s unbelievable! They tripled Jack Lime’s numbers! How is that even possible? Who are these guys?
Linda Jackson:, uh, they’re a local team out of San Diego.
Kench Allenby: You little beauty!
Linda Jackson: Oh, well, they no longer work for us. I fired them.
[the team is gathered in Ron’s apartment as Ron packs]
Ron Burgundy: Well, guys, it goes without saying I owe you gentlemen an apology. I dragged you out here and this thing was a disaster from the word go.
Champ Kind: No, Ron, don’t you beat yourself up.
Brian Fantana: Yeah, it’s alright, Ron.
[Brick throws downs his playing cards on the table]
Brick Tamland: Gin!
Ron Burgundy: Brian, any idea what you might do next?
Brian Fantana: going to head back to L.A. I got a good group of buddies out there. O.J. Simpson, Phil Spector, Robert Blake.
Ron Burgundy: Sounds like a fun crew.
Brian Fantana: We go out cruising chicks. Call ourselves “The Ladykillers.”
Ron Burgundy: I love that name. You should get it on the back of matching jackets.
Brian Fantana: Hey, that’s not a bad idea.
[Freddie enters Ron’s apartment]
Freddie Shapp:, uh, guys? Hey. I,, uh, got some news.
Ron Burgundy: Freddie, we don’t exactly want to hear the word “news” right now.
Brian Fantana: Yeah.
Freddie Shapp: You’re right. Forget it., uh, forget I was even here. Forget that GNN wants you back for a prime time slot and a raise in pay.
Ron Burgundy: Quit yanking our penises, Freddie! What’s the deal?
Brick Tamland: Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.
Freddie Shapp: No, no. I’m not yanking your… Your ratings went through the roof! I mean, people love what you did. You’re a success! Get it? You’re a great, big, fat success!
Ron Burgundy: By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!
Freddie Shapp: It’s total crap and they can’t stop watching!
[the team huddle together and embrace each other]
Narrator: [voice over] The news team had been famous in San Diego, but that was small time compared to New York. This fame was a rocket ship. A rocket ship that had free drinks and topless stewardesses.
[Jack looks into the camera as he finishes delivering the news]
Jack Lime: That’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Jack Lame.
[to the production team]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! More graphics, alright?
GNN Director: But there’s already a lot.
Freddie Shapp: Hey, you heard the man. More graphics.
[as Ron is doing a debate on “Unicorn or Unihorn?” we see the screen is surrounded by more graphics]
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask a question here, for God’s sake! Can Father Ron please shut his mouth for just half a second?
[Veronica is watching this at home with Gary]
Veronica Corningstone: This is against everything that I have worked for my entire life.
Gary: Oh, honey, come on.
[we see the news team getting more successful as their ratings rise; Brian does an advert for underwear]
Brian Fantana: If you’re like me, you need an underwear that fits your active lifestyle.
[Brian poses wearing the underwear crouched down with another male model standing beside him]
Ad Sales Guy: [voice over] At finer specialty and department stores.
[we see Brick doing an advert for butter]
Brick Tamland: I’m weatherman Brick Tamland, and I like butter. Butter is nutritious and it tastes great.
[he bends down and without using his hands takes a bite out of the slab of butter]
Brick Tamland: [voice over] Butter!
[we then see Ron doing his slot delivering the news]
Ron Burgundy: There’s something new on the New York social scene. It’s fun, relatively benign and costs about as much as a soda pop at the local drugstore. Here’s Brian Fantana on why everyone who is someone is lighting up to smoke crack. Now, Brian, I understand we have some crack and we’re going to smoke it right here in the studio.
[Ron’s gets a tray from under the table with the crack equipment on it]
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know if we can get a shot of that.
[as they watch this in the production room]
GNN Director: What is that? Did you know they were going to have that?
GNN Crew Member: No.
[as they are about to light up the crack the crew frantically signal to them to stop]
Brian Fantana: Now, what you’re going to do is, you’re going to put your rock in the pipe.
[the crew continue to try and get them to stop but the team are oblivious to it all]
Ron Burgundy: Is that where the phrase “Put it in your pipe and smoke it” comes from?
Brian Fantana: I don’t, I don’t care.
Champ Kind: I love it when you do cooking segments.
Ron Burgundy: Hmm.
[to the crews dismay they light up the crack and start smoking]
Ron Burgundy: Oh. Oh, woh. You feel that right away. Wow, that’s good. That’s good. That’s an immediate state of euphoria.
Brian Fantana: You’ll be surprised at the effect, it happens very…
[just then Brian feels the effects of the crack as he gets high]
Ron Burgundy: It’s just refreshing.
[as they watch them from the production room]
GNN Director: They’re actually enjoying it.
GNN Crew Member: Of course they’re enjoying it. It’s crack.
[we then see the team lying face down on the ground outside having their handcuffed removed policemen]
Ron Burgundy: Well, now we know, guys, you can’t smoke crack on live television.
[as the team’s success rises they receive awards; we see then see the team walking down New York City]
Ron Burgundy: Hey, gang. You know what would make this great day even better?
Brian Fantana: What?
Ron Burgundy: Perms for everyone!
[they stop outside a hair salon and then jump up in excitement]
Ron, Brian, Champ, Brick: Yay!
[after getting the perm the team then strut down New York City]
[Ron enters Linda’s office]
Linda Jackson: Please come in and shut the door.
[Ron shuts the door and stands as far away as possible from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: If this is about sweeps,, um, I think Brian Fantana found an outstanding story. It’s about airplane parts that are falling off of airplanes out of the sky and hitting the ground, people. We’re calling it “Death From Above.” We might do some…
[Linda interrupts pointing her finger at Ron]
Linda Jackson: You. Come here.
[Ron slowly walks across the room over to Linda]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you.
Ron Burgundy: You have?
[Linda laughs and starts circling around Ron]
Linda Jackson: I’ve been watching you a lot, and you just do whatever you want.
[Ron chuckles nervously as he backs away from Linda]
Ron Burgundy: Well, I’m a bit of a maverick, I guess.
Linda Jackson: You don’t follow the format. You pretty much walk around like, uh, like you’re king of the world.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just a worker bee, that’s all I am.
Linda Jackson: You know what?
Ron Burgundy: What?
[Linda suddenly grabs hold of Ron and pushes him against the office window]
Linda Jackson: I find it hot as shit!
Ron Burgundy: Are you going to hurt me?
Linda Jackson: Here’s the thing, Mr. Burgundy. You’re a shooting star and I want to go for a ride.
Ron Burgundy: God, I’m so afraid right now.
Linda Jackson: Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat.
[she starts meowing and Ron nervously copies her]
Linda Jackson: Now, I want you to bark like a dog. Bark. Bark. Bark!
[Ron’s starts barking]
Linda Jackson: Like a puppy. Like a puppy.
[Ron does a softer bark and she joins in meowing then slaps him playfully in the face]
Linda Jackson: Yeah. Come on! Do it!
[still afraid of Linda, Ron starts to cry]
Linda Jackson: Oh, don’t cry.
[she barks in his face]
Ron Burgundy: It’s sexual and yet frightening. It’s an odd mixture.
[Ron and Linda’s are interrupted by someone knocking on her office door]
Linda Jackson:, um, come in.
[Freddie enters with Jack]
Freddie Shapp:, uh, Linda. Ooh,, uh, excuse me, Linda., uh, Ron, Jack wants to know if he can go back to calling himself Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame. He’s really struggling with it, and it’s…
Ron Burgundy: No. Can’t. It’s a bet.
Jack Lime: Oh, Jesus!
Ron Burgundy: If you want to change it, you can.
Jack Lime: Like what?
Ron Burgundy: Art Areola.
Jack Lime: No! No, that’s worse! You know it’s worse!
Ron Burgundy: How about this one? You can call yourself Dick Fuck. Spell it P-H-U-C, you’ll be huge in the Vietnamese community.
Jack Lime: Freddie, I can’t. Listen to me, Burgundy. This is far from over, do you hear me? I’ll see you on the playground.
[Jack and Freddie leave]
Linda Jackson: Well. This, uh, meeting has been very productive.
[Ron backs away from her]
Linda Jackson: You can pick me up at eight.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, I’m very confused by what’s going on here.
[Linda chuckles then shouts]
Linda Jackson: Get out!
[a confused looking Ron enters his office and finds Brian. Champ and Brick laughing hard at a “Garfield at Large” book]
Brian Fantana: Oh, Ron! Ron, you are missing some real high-quality Garfield laughs over here.
Ron Burgundy: I think our boss just raped me.
Champ Kind: What?!
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know what happened. All a bit of a blur. There was hands and hair, and breath, and lips. And there might have been other people, I don’t know.
Brian Fantana: Sounds like she wants you. Hey, man. Women have been all over me since we got crazy famous. Not to brag or anything, but I just gave Florence Henderson crabs.
Ron Burgundy: That is in no way a brag, Brian. That’s horrible.
Brian Fantana: Hey, it’s just doing something beautiful, that two people do, except one of them has microscopic dust mites all over his penis and testicles.
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying, the mom of The Brady Bunch had a fun time with you, and then woke up the next day and realized she had crabs.
Brian Fantana: I gave her a whole Brady Bunch of crabs.
Champ Kind: Sounds to me like it’s her fault for being a randy gal.
Brick Tamland: I have a date!
Champ Kind: Brick has a date?
Ron Burgundy: Good for Brick!
Brick Tamland: What’s a date?
Ron Burgundy: A date is simply when two people get together, do something social, have a few drinks, yada yada yada. Take their shirts off…
[Brick makes a noise as if he’s scared]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s okay.
Brian Fantana: No, it’s a fun thing. It’s fun. It’s alright. Look, don’t worry, Brick. We got your back, okay? First things first, we need to get you a little protection.
[Brian goes over to his “Jimmy closet”, opens it to reveal an array of condoms on display]
Ron Burgundy: Ah. There it is. Brian Fantana’s glorious cabinet of condoms. Oh, Brian, I know. How about “The Hooded Guest”?
Brian Fantana: I like the cut of your jib.
[Brian holds out the condom which shows a man’s hooded head on the packet]
Ron Burgundy: That one is ultra-ribbed. It’s like you’re wearing an armadillo shell on your privates. It takes two hours to get on.
Brian Fantana: It’s hooded, she’ll never see you coming.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Brian Fantana: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Ron Burgundy: “Lou Dobin’s Good Time Weiner Pouch”, that’s a good one.
[Brian holds out the condom packet showing a man standing over a couple as they are having sex]
Brian Fantana: Dobin. Just a drifter who loves to watch people have sex. They’re made of denim, so they look better after each washing.
Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride.
Brian Fantana: I think I have it. “Po’ Boy Condom.”
[he holds out the condom packet showing the American flag and some barbed wire]
Brian Fantana: It’s a terrific condom. Although it does burn a bit because it’s covered in Cajun spices.
Champ Kind: It’ll put a blister on your po’ boy.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, what’s the nickname for your penis whenever you wear a Po’ Boy?
Brian Fantana: Fat Tuesday. Wait a minute. I’ve got it.
[he holds up another condom packet showing a ghost hovering between a women’s legs]
Brian Fantana: “The Rigid Ghost.” That’s the best damn rubber on the market. I got four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.
Ron Burgundy: But, Brian, isn’t that the whole point of wearing a condom? To not impregnate the woman?
Brian Fantana: Well, you know the old expression. Nope.
[Brick is standing behind a green screen as he does his weather section]
Brick Tamland: Thank you, Ron. And happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of our Native American friends. On the big map…
[he looks behind him and hesitates as there’s no map]
Brick Tamland: Where’s my map? There’s no map, it’s just green.
Ron Burgundy: No, there’s a map there. Look at, look at the monitor.
Brick Tamland: Right.
[the monitor shows the weather map behind Brick, but Brick’s leg’s have disappeared as he’s wearing green trousers]
Brick Tamland: Oh, God. Ron, where’s my legs? Where are my legs?
Ron Burgundy: Your legs are there.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have any legs, Ron! I don’t even know how I’m standing up.
[Brick suddenly collapses]
Ron Burgundy: No. Brick, your legs are fine. The color of your pants just, just matches the…
[Brick begins to cry in distress]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I don’t have any legs!
Ron Burgundy: The Chroma-Key behind you.
[he points to the number 93 which is showing on his crotch area]
Brick Tamland: In ninety-three! Ninety-three!
[Brick continues to sob loudly]
Ron Burgundy: Relax.
[Ron starts wailing]
[Ron and Linda are out on a date having dinner]
Linda Jackson: And after I received my Masters in Journalism from Columbia, I got a job with the London Bureau for ABC News.
Ron Burgundy: Wow, London. You’re so impressive, and I’ve only been out of the United States twice. A handful of times in Mexico, and then the second time I left the country we went to Salem, Oregon.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?
Ron Burgundy: God, yes.
Linda Jackson: Did I scare you by coming on so strong?
Ron Burgundy: A little bit, sure. Look, it’s not that you’re not attractive…
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: It’s just I’m a little old-fashioned.
Linda Jackson: Well, I am a modern woman.
Ron Burgundy: Hm.
Linda Jackson: And let me tell you, when I see something that I want, I go for it.
Ron Burgundy: Can I ask you a question?
Linda Jackson: Mm-hmm.
Ron Burgundy: Is that your foot between my legs?
Linda Jackson: No.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m sorry. It was my hand.
[he brings up his hand from below the table]
Linda Jackson: So…
Ron Burgundy: We’re going to do this, aren’t we?
Linda Jackson: We most definitely are going to do this.
Ron Burgundy: I feel a little awkward, because, you know, I’m…
[he raises his voice so everyone in the restaurant can hear]
Ron Burgundy: I’m about to have sex with a black lady!
[to Linda; lowering his voice]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry! I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: Hm.
Ron Burgundy: That’s not the way I like to handle my business. When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice.
Linda Jackson: Well, I don’t mind, because I am going to have you tonight.
Ron Burgundy: Then let’s leave and go have…
[suddenly raises his voice again]
Ron Burgundy: …interracial sex!
Ron Burgundy: Sorry.
[they go back to his place and finally have sex which is then intercut with random footage of Jackie Robinson, the Kirk/Uhura kiss from “Star Trek” and a clip of “Diff’rent Strokes”]
[Brick and Chani are having their date in a laundromat, they both stand awkwardly in front of a soda machine holding a can of soda]
Chani Lastnamé: This is the nicest soda machine anyone’s ever taken me to.
Brick Tamland: The beauty of this soda machine pales in comparison to your beauty.
[they both drink a sip from their soda cans]
Chani Lastnamé: Can I ask you a personal question?
Brick Tamland: I’m not sure what that is, but yes.
Chani Lastnamé: Have you ever kissed anyone?
Brick Tamland: Do faces on the TV screen and Planet of the Apes action figures count?
Chani Lastnamé: Of course.
Brick Tamland: Then, yes. I have kissed Angie Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.
Chani Lastnamé: I’ve only kissed people in my dreams. So, I’ve only kissed a tiny dragon and a woman with her hair on fire.
Brick Tamland: I don’t have a lot of experience with kissing, but I do know one thing. Always get your teeth involved.
Chani Lastnamé: I think I’m ready to maybe try that kiss thing now.
[suddenly they both throw their soda cans on the floor, grab each other and start kissing passionately with Brick pushing Chani against the window, her dress then rolls up to reveal her underwear]
[Linda turns up to her office late when Allenby, who’s sat behind her desk drinking, surprises her by turning on her desk lamp]
Kench Allenby: Hello, Miss Jackson. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Linda Jackson: Mr. Allenby, I wasn’t expecting you to…
Kench Allenby: Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I. But then I heard about this little story that Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana are running. You see, some of the planes from my airline have had parts falling off them lately. Is it a problem? Yeah. Is it being fixed? I don’t know, probably. But if that story runs, then Koala stock will plummet.
Linda Jackson: We can’t just pull the story, that would be unethical.
Kench Allenby: We own the news. We can do whatever we want, that’s one of the perks. It’s called “synergy.” One company working with another.
[holding up his glass]
Kench Allenby: To synergy.
[Linda and Ron are sat in the back seat of a cab as Linda is taking Ron to meet her family]
Ron Burgundy: You seem a little quiet, I must say. Just so you know, I’m absolutely fine with going to this family dinner.
Linda Jackson: They’re going to love you.
[later as everyone is sat around the dinner table eating]
Ron Burgundy: Mm, this is delicious!
Linda’s Mother: So, how long have you and Linda been dating?
Linda Jackson: Mother.
Ron Burgundy: No, it’s alright. It’s a logical question., um, ours is a new love, but it burns very brightly.
Linda’s Mother: Oh.
Ron Burgundy: And it gets hot and sweaty and stanky. There’s some stank on that love.
Linda’s Mother: What are, what are you talking about?
Ron Burgundy: Let’s put it this way, I be busting nuts like a squirrel.
Linda’s Father: Oh, now, we don’t have conversations like that over dinner.
Linda Jackson: What are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: I’m addressing the white elephant in the room. I’m breaking down the barriers of race by assimilation, and that’s all I’m doing.
Linda Jackson: Well, you’re coming off like a jerk.
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s going well.
Linda’s Father: If you haven’t noticed, we don’t converse like that.
Ron Burgundy: Okay, okay. Look at big Papa down here. He’s saying to himself, “Shit! Look at this honky. Sittin’ at my table, eatin’ my food. In my house? Touching my daughter?” I have. I have touched your daughter.
[Linda, looking very uncomfortable tries to interrupt Ron]
Linda Jackson: Honey…
Ron Burgundy: We have done things, Papa. You ain’t going to like. You ain’t going to like it none!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my goodness!
Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. Let’s get some smoke going in this place, right?
Linda’s Brother: This ain’t no Super Fly. What is your problem, man?
[Ron smiles and holds his fist up]
Linda’s Mother: Linda, I don’t understand what you are doing with him.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, you know what I’m comin’ at you with, you big black mother of Linda. Mix it up in a pot! Makin’ it spicy!
Linda’s Mother: Oh, my Lord.
Linda’s Brother: Hey!
Ron Burgundy: In the back, cookin’ up chitlins. Big ol’ titties. Big ol’ titties.
Linda’s Mother: Excuse me?
Linda’s Brother: That’s my mama, man.
Ron Burgundy: Hey, wave your hands in the air.
[Ron holds his hands up and starts waving them]
Ron Burgundy: Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
Linda Jackson: Please, don’t do this.
Ron Burgundy: Now, which one of you pipe-hittin’ bitches can pass me the mashed potatoes?
[there’s a burst of outrage from around the table]
[as they are going home in a cab after the disastrous evening of Ron meeting’s Linda’s family is over]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I don’t think that dinner could’ve gone any better.
Linda Jackson: Are you nuts?!
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m not! I had a wonderful evening!
[Ron’s face looks as though it’s been beaten up]
Linda Jackson: My dad was kicking you in the head!
Ron Burgundy: I thought it was like being jumped into a gang, only with dinner guests!
Linda Jackson: You called my family “pipe-hittin’ bitches”!
Ron Burgundy: I hate to pin it on you, but you did invite me to dinner.
Linda Jackson: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Ron Burgundy: No, I’m sorry.
Linda Jackson: I just, I’m just under a lot of stress because, because Allenby, he doesn’t want you to do the story that you’re doing for sweeps.
Ron Burgundy: “Death From Above”, it’s an excellent story. Wonderful expose.
Linda Jackson: Listen, Ron. Have you ever heard of synergy?
[Ron is walking with Walter by the lake in the park]
Ron Burgundy: So your mom thought we should get together, spend a little time. She, uh, she doesn’t think I connect with you as a child. Can you believe that bullshit?
[Walter looks frustrated]
Ron Burgundy: This is hard. Things you say to a six-year-old.
[Ron hesitates for a moment]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, guess what? I slept with a black woman.
Walter Burgundy: What?
Ron Burgundy: Nothing.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, do you like Spider-Man?
Ron Burgundy: Nope. Don’t care for him. Never have. Don’t like the mask, the costume, the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh. He comes off like a real dickhead, real poser.
Walter Burgundy: What’s a poser?
Ron Burgundy: A poser is Gary, that’s what a poser is. By the way, how is that shitheel?
Walter Burgundy: What’s a shitheel?
Ron Burgundy: A shitheel is a real fun term that you should call Gary every time you see him. When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, “Oh, good morning, shitheel.” He’ll probably give you five dollars or some candy. Does that sound good?
Walter Burgundy: Yeah. You’re a shitheel, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: Good. You should just call Gary that, cause it makes him really happy. It makes me sort of happy, but it makes him really happy.
[Ron and Walter are sat on a swing in the park]
Walter Burgundy: Dad.
[Ron, who’s starting to dose off, suddenly opens his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Huh?
Walter Burgundy: Sometimes I hear sounds at night and I get scared. I think there’s a ghost in my closet.
Ron Burgundy: Now, you listen to me, son. There is no such thing as ghosts. Case closed.
Walter Burgundy: So what’s real that’s scary?
Ron Burgundy: You really want to know the one thing you should be afraid of?
Walter Burgundy: Yes, I really do.
Ron Burgundy: Voodoo.
Walter Burgundy: Voodoo?
Ron Burgundy: Yes, voodoo. That shit will mess you up, and it is one hundred percent real. Promise me that you’ll never go to Haiti.
Walter Burgundy: I promise, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: This was good, I enjoyed spending time with you.
Walter Burgundy: Me, too, Dad.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, and, hey? Do you want to go to Haiti sometime?
Walter Burgundy: No.
Ron Burgundy: Good. Good.
[Linda is on the phone to Ron; referring to Walter]
Veronica Corningstone: What did you tell him?
Ron Burgundy: I didn’t tell him anything.
Veronica Corningstone: He hasn’t slept for four days, Ron! Everywhere we go, he asks me if we’re going to Haiti! What does that even mean?
Ron Burgundy: I am so sick and tired that you’ve sheltered him from the evils of voodoo.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to learn to connect with him in a healthy way!
Ron Burgundy: Let me ask you something, and I’m not trying to be funny here. Are you sure he’s not a midget with a learning disability?
Veronica Corningstone: He is seven years old, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Veronica Corningstone: Now listen to me. He has a science fair tomorrow, at eight o’clock, and he wants you to be there.
Ron Burgundy: I will be there. Alright? Now, who do you have for sweeps week?
Veronica Corningstone: I’m not discussing work with you, Ron, okay? Just be there at the science fair tomorrow.
Ron Burgundy: Fine!
[Ron slams down the phone]
[the team are in Ron’s office watching Jack on TV doing his news section]
Jack Lime: Well, they’re calling it the interview of the decade. Veronica Corningstone will sit down with Yasser Arafat.
Brian Fantana: Yasser who?
Jack Lime: The head of the PLO and some say the key to peace in the Middle East. Of course, Ms. Corningstone is the ex-wife of Ron Burgundy, so you know that’s got to be a little stinger for Ronny.
Ron Burgundy: Tony Danza’s scrotum!
Jack Lime: Well, that’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Thank God for the events, thank me for the news. I’m Dick Phuk.
[Brian smiles as he watches Jack looking down and shaking his head]
Freddie Shapp: We’re going to get crushed in ratings, just crushed. I really thought we had a chance this time.
[Freddie goes to walk out of the office]
Brian Fantana: What about my “Death From Above” story?
Freddie Shapp: You better ask Ron about that.
Ron Burgundy: We’re pulling that story, Brian.
Brian Fantana: What? Why? I worked hard on that story.
Ron Burgundy: It was my call, alright, Brian? Just let it go. It’s synergy.
Brian Fantana: What does that mean?
Champ Kind: Take it easy, Ron. We got further than anybody thought we would. We’ll get ’em next time.
Ron Burgundy: You take it easy! I’m not in this to finish second!
Brian Fantana: I think Champ is just saying…
Ron Burgundy: I know what he was trying to say, Brian, okay? And it doesn’t surprise me that you guys don’t care. Let’s face it, I’m the one who gets the ratings. I’m starting to wonder what you clowns actually do.
Brick Tamland: Chani likes clowns, except for the scary ones.
Ron Burgundy: Shut up, Brick! Just shut up for once!
Brick Tamland: Ron yelled at me.
Ron Burgundy: You’re damn right I yelled at you!
[Champ and Brian rise from their seats]
Brian Fantana: You don’t yell at Brick. Are you still smoking crack?
Ron Burgundy: No. I only smoked crack that one time. That’s a lie. I’ve done it six more times.
Champ Kind: You made Brick cry.
[we see Brick weeping distraughtly on the sofa]
Champ Kind: You’ve gone ratings crazy, Ron. But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left?
Brian Fantana: You know what, Ron? We’re a news team, and that’s a bond for life. But I don’t like the man you’ve become. You know, we were happy when you found us. Right? I was taking pictures of pussies, Champ was serving bats to people, and Brick was dead. We took a gamble. Took a gamble to follow you here. But I’m starting to realize, this was all about you, and beating Veronica at all costs. It had nothing to do with the news, it nothing to do with the team.
Champ Kind: Brian, don’t.
Brian Fantana: You know, I might not be the smartest guy, but I know a thing or two about a thing or two. I know that if you’re pleasuring a woman down south, you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet around her, the bubble. Around her bubble.
Brick Tamland: The vulva!
Brian Fantana: The Volvo. I know that synergy is a completely made-up word. I know that washing your hands is for nerds, especially if you don’t mind pinkeye. And I know, that no matter what, you always stand by your friends.
Ron Burgundy: You’ll have to excuse me, Brian. I’ve got a sore back from carrying your ass around for the last fifteen years.
Brian Fantana: You know what, Burgundy? I think your mouth is writing checks that your body isn’t, can’t even do anything with.
[suddenly Brian punches Ron hard in the face making him fall to the ground, then Brian, Brick and Champ start to leave]
Ron Burgundy: Fine, go! I don’t need you! I’ll do the news by myself!
[just before Ron is about to go on air, he and Freddie watch the TV as Veronica is about to begin her big interview]
Veronica Corningstone: Tonight I interview Yasser Arafat, the secretive head of the PLO.
Ron Burgundy: This is terrible.
GNN Stage Manager: We’re on in twenty, Ron. Twenty.
Freddie Shapp: Alright.
Freddie Shapp: You ready?
Ron Burgundy: What’s that?
[Ron points to one of the TV’s showing a car chase]
Freddie Shapp: Huh? Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just a car chase on the satellite feed from Milwaukee.
Ron Burgundy: You know what? Give it to me live to start the broadcast.
Freddie Shapp: No. That’s not news, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: Give it to me live, okay? And don’t question me again.
Freddie Shapp: Bill!
[Ron goes to take his place behind the news desk]
Narrator: [voice over] Now to you, the modern viewer, reporting on a car chase may seem commonplace, but in 1980, it was unheard of.
[Ron begins his news section]
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I’m Ron Burgundy, reporting live from New York. We have breaking news developing in our nation’s heartland. A high-speed car chase is in progress…
[to the crew in the production room]
Freddie Shapp: Keep the “Breaking News” logo. Keep it up. Keep up the graphics.
[back to Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Reaching speeds of one hundred miles per hour. And for the first time in news history, we will stay with it live until it resolves in either a huge accident or a massive shootout.
[a woman sat with her daughter watching the news at home yells to her husband]
Housewife: Richard! Hurry. Get in here! There’s a car chase on the news!
[at the same time Walter is at his science fair waiting for Ron to show up]
Walter Burgundy: When is Dad going to be here?
Gary: He’ll be here. Are you a little upset? Do you want to, do you want to do that thing where we sort of talk about our feelings?
Walter Burgundy: Oh, God, no.
[Ron continues to report live on the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is the pulse of what’s going on in our country right now.
[Linda walks into the production room]
Linda Jackson: Freddie, what’s going on? Why is there a local car chase on TV?
Freddie Shapp: It’s Burgundy. He insisted!
Linda Jackson: Can’t you see what the son of a bitch is doing? We didn’t have a story, so he made one.
Freddie Shapp: You can’t do that!
Linda Jackson: Tell Ron to speculate who’s driving the car.
[into his headpiece]
Freddie Shapp: Ron, speculate on who’s driving the car.
Ron Burgundy:, uh, we believe the driver may be on drugs. He’s probably 6’7″, 6’8″. But a skinny 6’7″, 6’8″, about one-sixty. He may have a hostage or two., uh, we don’t know. He could have something…
[everyone gathers on the stage floor to watch Ron, including his team and Jack; to Linda and Freddie]
GNN Crew Member: The phone lines are lighting up. It’s about the chase! I’ve never seen anything like it!
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Arafat, is there any scenario by which peace could be reached with Israel?
Yasser Arafat: Peace is what burns in my heart. I am committed to…
[suddenly the red light on top of the camera goes out]
What was…? Excuse me.
[to her producer]
Veronica Corningstone: What happened to the…?
WBC Producer: The network cut to another developing story. Some kind of crazy car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: Who covers a car chase? I am sitting here with the most important…
Veronica Corningstone: …interview of my entire career, and they’re cutting to a car chase?
Yasser Arafat: I would like to watch the car chase.
Veronica Corningstone: You need to shut your mouth.
[Ron continues to report the car chase]
Ron Burgundy: This is extremely gripping. Oh! Oh! He just hit a car! He just hit a car! He hit a car! Did you see that?
Brick Tamland: He hit a car!
Ron Burgundy: Wow!
Freddie Shapp: He hit the car!
Linda Jackson: He hit the car!
[patrons in a bar are watching the car chase]
Bar Patron: When did the news get awesome?
[the other patrons cheer]
Ron Burgundy: And he just loses it! Wow! That’s exactly what we needed. It was getting a little boring.
[after Walter’s science fair is over Walter continues to wait for Ron to show up]
Gary: Hey. You did a great job.
Walter Burgundy: Thanks, Gary.
Gary: I don’t think your dad’s coming. I’m sorry, honey, but I think we need to go.
[suddenly Walter throws a punch at Gary which he easily dodges]
Walter Burgundy: Stop reading my mind!
[they continue to wait for Ron when suddenly the lights in the hall are turned off and they sit in darkness]
Gary: I mean, this is what I worry about.
Walter Burgundy: Did you do that with your mind?
Walter Burgundy: Liar.
Ron Burgundy: We’re just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. It turns out that he is an elderly gentleman, he’s eighty years old, and he was simply confused.
[as Champ, Brian and Brick watch Ron in the background]
Champ Kind: Unbelievable.
Ron Burgundy: I’m Ron Burgundy. Don’t just have a great night, have an American night.
GNN Stage Manager: And we are clear!
Ron Burgundy: Yes!
[all the crew start clapping]
Ron Burgundy: Great! Alright!
Freddie Shapp: I don’t believe it! You did it, Ron!
[he shakes Ron’s hand]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! Thanks, Freddie.
[Linda then jumps into Ron’s arms]
Ron Burgundy: I don’t deserve this. It was a team effort. It really was.
[we see newspaper clippings, one with the headline “GNN Beats Corningstone and Networks!”, “Ron Burgundy Breaks Ratings Records!”]
[a celebration is being held for Ron at an ice skating rink]
Kench Allenby: Now, ladies and gentlemen, now we all know there’s one reason that GNN have gotten to the top. And that reason is the greatest bloody newsman in the world. Long may he reign! Mr. Ron Burgundy!
[the crowd claps for him]
Freddie Shapp: Yeah, Ron! Yeah!
[Ron appears playing the flute while skating to a crowd]
Female in Crowd: Fire it up, Ronny!
[as Ron starts to show off ice skating his old friends start to get annoyed]
Brian Fantana: Let’s blaze.
Champ Kind: Yeah. To hell with Ron Burgundy.
[Brian and Champ leave; Ron skates over to Linda and gives her a single white rose]
Ron Burgundy: We did it, my onyx hellion.
Linda Jackson: You’re magic!
[as Brick watches Ron skate like a professional dancer]
Brick Tamland: Ron, you should see what you’re doing!
[when nobody is looking, Jack tosses a cable onto the skating rink]
Narrator: [voice over] In the myth of Icarus, Icarus, full of the folly that comes with pride, flew too high and the sun melted his wings. Burgundy’s fame was bigger than he ever imagined and the fall was dizzying.
[as Ron flips high into the air and lands back down his skate catches on the cable causing him to fall hard on the ice]
Linda Jackson: Oh, my God, Ronny! Ron!
Kench Allenby: Open the bloody gate!
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #1: Will somebody call an ambulance?
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #2: Do not die in front of us! Do not die in front of us!
[watching as the crowd go to help Ron]
Jack Lime: Stay classy, Ron Burgundy.
Crowd Member at Ice Rink #3: Somebody call an ambulance!
[after his accident Ron is in hospital as the doctor is checking the damage to his eyes]
Ron Burgundy: Damn it, Milton, what is it?
Dr. Brangley: Well, Ron, I, um, it looks as if both optic nerves are separated from their respective corneas.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Dr. Brangley: No other way to put this, but you’re blind.
Ron Burgundy: Milton, I’m an anchorman! I read the news off the teleprompter, it’s what I do! How will I live?
Dr. Brangley: I’m no career counselor, but there are many things you can do. Be an oracle, or a mystic.
Ron Burgundy: Clearly, there must be something in this new-fangled office of yours that can help me!
[Ron starts throwing things around in anger]
Dr. Brangley: Settle down.
Ron Burgundy: There’s got to be something in here!
Dr. Brangley: Settle down!
[two hospital orderlies grab hold of Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Zombies! Zombies!
[the doctor injects Ron with a sedative to calm him down]
Ron Burgundy: If you get my hands on me, I’ll kill you.
[Ron passes out]
Narrator: [voice over] The world of the blind. Ron Burgundy, a man who had flourished in a visual medium, had forever entered this realm of darkness.
[two months later; once again without a job and without any purpose, Ron is living in a lighthouse, he’s placing fire wood into the dishwasher when he hears someone knocking]
Ron Burgundy: Who is it?
[the door opens and it’s Brian, Champ and Brick come to visit him]
Brian Fantana: Ron, it’s us!
[after inviting them in, we see due to his blindness Ron has placed dried flowers into his oven and his shoes into the refrigerator]
Ron Burgundy: I’m sure you gentlemen are famished from your travels. I hope you like Triscuits and some Pimento loaf. Still hot off the griddle!
[he places the tray on the table and we see it actually contains some old coins, checkers pieces with caulk on top of them and a screw driver]
Ron Burgundy: There we go.
Brian Fantana: Well, everyone at the station really misses you, Ron. Jack Lime’s been filling in for you since you’ve been gone. And you know, he’s really not such a bad guy after all.
Ron Burgundy: Uh-huh.
Brian Fantana: He goes by Jack Lamé now.
Ron Burgundy: Well, he shouldn’t be doing that. He should be going by Jack Lame.
[Brick picks up one of the checker’s pieces with caulk on top of it from the tray Ron had brought in and goes to place it in his mouth]
Champ Kind: Brick! Brick! That’s checkers and caulk, don’t eat that.
[Brick takes a bite from the checker’s piece]
Ron Burgundy: What about Linda? She hasn’t called.
Champ Kind: Linda’s pretty busy.
[as he chews on the checkers piece]
Brick Tamland: Ron, I’m going to need your recipe.
Champ Kind: So, Ron, what do you do with yourself all day? You’re just out here pretty much away from everything.
Ron Burgundy: Well, every day begins about the same. I wake up screaming in terror because of the blackness and I think I’m dead.
Champ Kind: Every day?
Ron Burgundy: Yes! Every day! And then I begin what’s called “The Great Adventure.” Making breakfast. I’ve eaten everything from nails to drink coasters. One time I bit hard into a marble ashtray, thinking it was a savory waffle. I wanted that waffle so bad! Completely shattered my teeth.
Brian Fantana: Couldn’t you tell the ashtray wasn’t hot like a waffle?
Ron Burgundy: No! I couldn’t, because I’m blind! I’m not blind twenty-three hours a day or twenty-two hours a day, I’m blind the whole Goddamn time! Do you have any idea what it’s like to drink a half a bottle of ketchup thinking it was a bottle of 1946 Châteauneuf-du- Pape? I even decanted it.
Brian Fantana: If you drank half a bottle of that, that’s, that’s like, that’s like nine or ten gulps. I mean, you couldn’t tell that was ketchup?
Ron Burgundy: Did I stutter? I’m ba-lind!
Champ Kind: You’re having a tough time, Ron, I know.
Ron Burgundy: You know what the biggest indignity is? I can’t even masturbate!
Brian Fantana: Why?
Ron Burgundy: Heck, one morning, I spent twenty minutes aggressively rubbing my shin, wondering, where’s the sensation? Where’s the pleasure coming?
Brian Fantana: You rubbed your shin thinking it was a penis?
Ron Burgundy: I know you think I’m stupid, don’t you?
Brian Fantana: No!
Ron Burgundy: The weirdo who lives in the weird lighthouse in the middle of nowhere.
Brian Fantana: Ron, it was your choice to live in a weird lighthouse.
Ron Burgundy: You know why I live here? Let me say it real slow and real loud. I’m blind!
Champ Kind: I guess we should get out of here.
Ron Burgundy: Maybe you should go. Yes. Why don’t you guys get out of here! Despite my complete and utter isolation, your gentlemen’s visit has actually made it worse!
[the three get up and start leaving]
Brian Fantana: Goodbye, Ron.
[as they leave and the door closes]
Ron Burgundy: What? No, don’t go!
[Ron gets up to go after them]
Ron Burgundy: Please! Wait! I’m all alone! Come back!
[Ron steps outside just as the trio drive off]
Ron Burgundy: Wait! Come back! Come back!
[Ron sinks to his knees and starts crying]
Ron Burgundy: I’m alone! Why have you done this to me, God? Why? Couldn’t you have cured a sick child or created a new animal? But, no, you had to make Ron Burgundy blind!
[as Ron is still lying outside his lighthouse crying he hears Veronica’s voice]
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I never thought that I would see the Ron Burgundy full of so much self-pity.
Ron Burgundy: Who is it? What is that noise?
Veronica Corningstone: Take my hand.
[she extends her hand towards him]
Ron Burgundy: I can’t see it!
Veronica Corningstone: Reach for it, Ron! You have to learn to do for yourself now.
[Ron starts reaching out but can’t manage to grab Veronica’s hand]
Veronica Corningstone: Alright. This okay. Here we go. Get up. There we go.
[she grabs his hand and helps him stand]
Ron Burgundy: Cher, is that you?
[he touches her face]
Veronica Corningstone: You can’t recognize me by my voice?
Ron Burgundy: Jan-Michael Vincent?
Veronica Corningstone: Really?
[sat inside Ron’s kitchen, Veronica serves them tea]
Veronica Corningstone: Every news station is copying what you did, Ron. All the stories are about animals, or car chases or strip clubs.
Ron Burgundy: The genie has been let out of the bottle, and old Ron Burgundy popped the cork.
Veronica Corningstone: That’s why I quit WBC News.
Ron Burgundy: What?
Veronica Corningstone: There’s no real news being reported out there. It’s just all about ratings.
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, why are you here?
Veronica Corningstone: I’m here for our son, Ron. Walter needs you. I need you to start taking responsibility for him and for yourself.
Ron Burgundy: Do you realize you’re talking to a man who just this morning tried to brush his teeth with a live lobster?
Veronica Corningstone: What? You would’ve known that the second that you touched it…
Ron Burgundy: I’m just saying it’s not going to be a cakewalk.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, then we best get to it. Now, drink your tea.
[as Ron goes to grab his cup he knocks it over and sends it crashing to the floor]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh!
Ron Burgundy: Let me get a sponge. I’ll get it.
[Ron picks up an orange from the fruit basket next to him and thinking it’s a sponge he starts using it to wipe the table]
Veronica Corningstone: Alright. No, no, just stay there.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.
[Veronica tries to help Ron back on his feet, we see them as they run by the sea where Ron nearly runs fully clothed into the water, later Veronica is throwing an apple at Ron so that he can sense it and catch it but completely misses it]
Veronica Corningstone: Okay, let’s try this again.
Ron Burgundy: Did you throw it?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I threw it.
[later Veronica guides Ron as he sits to draw her]
Veronica Corningstone: Just remember the curves.
Ron Burgundy: The curves.
Veronica Corningstone: Green eyes.
Ron Burgundy: Green eyes.
Veronica Corningstone: You have to use your other senses now!
[in frustration Ron rips the paper]
Ron Burgundy: I can’t do it!
[Walter then comes in an interrupts them]
Walter Burgundy: Baxter found something on the beach!
[outside, Ron and Veronica run after Walter]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, be careful!
Ron Burgundy: It’s okay!
[Walter runs towards a baby shark trapped in a net]
Ron Burgundy: Walter, what is it?
Walter Burgundy: It’s some kind of fish!
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness!
Walter Burgundy: If he stays tangled in this net, he’s not going to survive.
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, sweetheart, it’s a shark.
Ron Burgundy: Son, don’t you worry, we won’t let this fellow die.
[Walter hold Ron’s hand]
Walter Burgundy: We’ll do it together, Dad.
[with Walter’s help Ron frees the baby shark and allow him to swim around in a small part of the ocean by the sand]
Ron Burgundy: That should keep him in there until he’s strong enough to swim out to the deep ocean.
Walter Burgundy: Can I name him?
Ron Burgundy: Of course you can, son.
Walter Burgundy: What about Crackers?
Ron Burgundy: Give me a Goddamned break. Seriously, you’ve got one of the most vicious predators in the ocean and you’re going to name him Crackers?
Walter Burgundy: In the future when you say I can name something, don’t be a dick about it.
Ron Burgundy: Why don’t we do this? Let’s name him Doby.
Walter Burgundy: You talk all that smack and that’s the best name you come up with?
Ron Burgundy: Well, we’re not going to get any better than that. I mean, you obviously can’t name him anything that sounds good.
Walter Burgundy: How about we forget about this whole name thing and you go straight to hell?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I don’t know what to do. We might as well poison the water and let him die.
Walter Burgundy: Woh, woh, woh. Let’s just go with Doby.
Ron Burgundy: Fine, then it’s settled. It’s Doby. We’ll call him Doby even though no one likes it.
Walter Burgundy: Alright, I can live with that.
Ron Burgundy: Don’t worry, Baxter. We won’t feed him your dog food.
[Ron and Walter laugh]
[we see Ron holding the baby shark in his arms as he feeds him milk from a bottle]
Narrator: [voice over] Even though Ron Burgundy had lost his sight, he had never seen so clearly.
[later we see Ron catching the apple Veronica throws at him]
Veronica Corningstone: You did it!
Narrator: [voice over] And with every inch Doby grew, so did Ron’s heart.
[we see Ron finishing a drawing of Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: It’s just a bunch of crazy lines, isn’t it?
Veronica Corningstone: No, it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful.
[Ron and Veronica then share an intimate kiss]
Ron Burgundy: What about Gary?
Veronica Corningstone: We split up two weeks ago. He was too emotionally stable. It was so annoying!
Narrator: [voice over] And so, just like the passing of the seasons, it came time for Doby to return to the deep waters he was meant to call home.
[Ron, Walter and Veronica free Doby into the ocean]
Ron Burgundy: I hear his tail splashing! He’s actually swimming away! Is he looking back for us over his shoulder?
Veronica Corningstone: Sharks don’t have shoulders, Ron. No, he just swam away, and he’s instantly looking for fish to eat.
Walter Burgundy: He was my best friend.
[as they stand and watch Doby swim away Ron starts singing]
Ron Burgundy: You, swam with strength. You, loved with grace. You touched us all with your expressionless face. Doby, oh, Doby. May you find many treasures. Both emotional and monetary. You were wise and loving and never contrary. Doby. Oh, Doby. I’ll never forget thee. No.
[they wave at Doby as he jumps up to catch a fish to eat it]
Walter Burgundy: Promise you’ll always be there for me, Dad?
Ron Burgundy: I promise. If I say I’ll be there for you, there’s nothing on God’s earth that will stop me.
Walter Burgundy: I love you, Dad.
Veronica Corningstone: Let’s get back up to the lighthouse, alright? Come on.
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Veronica Corningstone: Let’s go.
[Ron and Veronica starts walking back as Walter still looks out for Doby in the sea]
Walter Burgundy: I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby.
[Veronica enters the house with a bucket and sees Ron sitting in a chair]
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, there you are. I found the most beautiful clams down by the estuary. I thought we could steam them up tonight with a nice butter sauce and some wine.
Ron Burgundy: Veronica.
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, Ron?
Ron Burgundy: Can you explain this?
[he presses the play button on the answering machine and it starts playing a message left by his doctor]
Dr. Brangley: Ron, this is Dr. Brangley. I’ve left dozens of messages. Somehow, they must be getting erased. But there is a procedure that can possibly return your sight. Please get back to me if you’re interested.
[the message ends]
Ron Burgundy: Well? Have you been erasing these messages?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes. Ron, just let me explain.
Ron Burgundy: How could you?
Veronica Corningstone: We’ve never been this happy, and I just thought that…
Ron Burgundy: Thought that if I could see again, that somehow I couldn’t love you and Walter anymore?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes!
Ron Burgundy: Damn you, woman!
[Ron throws down and smashes a lamp in anger]
Ron Burgundy: You lied to me! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, my smile, my seed. You lied to me.
[Walter runs down the stairs]
Walter Burgundy: Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Sweetheart.
Walter Burgundy: No! Dad!
[Ron opens the front door and leaves]
Walter Burgundy: Don’t leave, Dad! Dad!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter, just, sweetheart, we have to let him go.
[they hear engine of the car as Ron starts the car]
Veronica Corningstone: He needs to go free, just like Doby.
[they hear Ron drive off]
Walter Burgundy: He’ll be back, he promised.
[suddenly they hear a crashing noise as Ron crashes the car]
Ron Burgundy: Could you please call me a damn cab? I’m blind!
Veronica Corningstone: Of course!
Dr. Brangley: Ron, the operation was a success. But we won’t know for sure until we remove the bandages.
[Brangley removes Ron’s bandages]
Dr. Brangley: Well?
Ron Burgundy: Yes. I can see.
[Ron returns to GNN where they office is holding a welcome back party for him]
Chani’s Boss: Oh, God. Oh, God. It’s Ron Burgundy, everyone!
[everyone claps for him]
Chani’s Boss: You are my inspiration.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, well, thank you.
Brian Fantana: Welcome back, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Thanks. Thanks, Bri, man.
Brick Tamland: Good luck in Vietnam.
Ron Burgundy: Brick.
Chani Lastnamé: Brick and I are having a baby! We’re going to name him Tortilla Jackson.
Ron Burgundy: Alright.
Chani Lastnamé: I’m twenty-two months pregnant.
Kench Allenby: Well, get over here, you bastard.
Freddie Shapp: Got you a drink, Ron. Come on.
Ron Burgundy:, uh, hold on to that drink., uh, I just want to grab some air.
[feeling overwhelmed Ron leaves the office party when Linda follows him]
Linda Jackson: How you doing there?
Ron Burgundy: Oh, I’m fine. Just, uh, just a lot of people in there.
Linda Jackson: Listen, Ron, I’m sorry that I never called or visited.
Ron Burgundy: There’s no need to explain. I mean…
Linda Jackson: But, listen, I mean, you’re back.
[suddenly Veronica interrupts them]
Veronica Corningstone: Hello, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: What are you doing here?
Veronica Corningstone: I had to come tell you something very important. But…
[she smiles at Linda]
Veronica Corningstone: You must be Linda Jackson.
Linda Jackson: You must be Veronica.
[they shake hands]
Veronica Corningstone: Yes, I am. It’s a pleasure.
Ron Burgundy: This is a touching moment for me.
Veronica Corningstone: Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you touch Ron again, I will shoot you in the cooch with a BB gun.
Linda Jackson: Oh, you can talk big all you want, but guess what? This kitten’s got claws, bitch.
Veronica Corningstone: Don’t mess with me, Linda, because this “White Thunder” rolls deep and it rolls nasty.
[Ron, looking like he’s enjoying the display of jealousy over him by the two women]
Ron Burgundy: I was feeling a little bit down, but this is definitely picking up my mood.
Linda Jackson: Well, I guess I’ll leave you two alone. And it’s, uh, been an absolute pleasure, Ms. Corningstone.
Veronica Corningstone: This has been great.
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys want to kiss real quick?
Veronica Corningstone: Ron. Read the room, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: I’ll take that as a no.
[Linda turns and starts walking away]
Veronica Corningstone: Bye, Linda.
Veronica Corningstone: I know why you haven’t been returning my messages. I wasn’t calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street. And he wrote a piece for you, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Walter.
Veronica Corningstone: It would mean the absolute world to him to have you there.
[suddenly they are interrupted by Freddie]
Freddie Shapp: Ron, I just got a call from the control room!
Freddie Shapp: Oh, big fan.
Freddie Shapp: Actress Sheila Blackledge, you know, the mom from the hit sitcom “Four’s a Family, Five’s a Crowd?” She just found out her husband cheated on her and she severed his penis while he slept!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my…
Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my goodness.
Freddie Shapp: The police arrived, she fled in her white Bronco, and now they’re engaged in a high-speed car chase! We’ve got an exclusive on the live feed, but we’ve got to go, right now! Ron, this can be your comeback.
[looking torn, Ron turns to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy: Veronica, I…
Veronica Corningstone: No, Ron. No. That will get sky-high ratings. Walter will understand.
Freddie Shapp: Walter will understand.
Veronica Corningstone: Go.
[Veronica turns and starts walking away]
Freddie Shapp: Come on, Ron. Priorities!
Ron Burgundy: Veronica!
Freddie Shapp: Come on!
[Freddie pulls Ron to leave]
[Ron goes to the studio to take his seat behind the news desk and get ready]
Linda Jackson: Can you hear me?
[Ron touches his earpiece]
Ron Burgundy: Yes, yes. You’re coming in loud and clear.
Linda Jackson: You’re back and you get this story. This is going to be huge.
Ron Burgundy: Right.
Linda Jackson: So, is it good to be back home?
Ron Burgundy:, um, yeah, I feel good.
[Allenby is in Linda’s office looking at Ron through the glass window]
Kench Allenby: God, look at him. Like a beacon in the night! My golden goose.
Linda Jackson: Alright, baby. So I’m just going to be giving you the details.
Ron Burgundy: Mm-hmm.
GNN Stage Manager: Five, four, three, two…
Ron Burgundy: Good evening, America. After some time off, it’s good to be back with you. I’m Ron Burgundy. We have a story tonight involving an affair, a cut-off penis, a TV star and a car chase.
Linda Jackson: And throw it to the feed.
[the monitor shows the car chase being shown]
Ron Burgundy: The only problem is…
Kench Allenby: What’s he doing?
Linda Jackson: Ron, are you okay?
[Ron ignores them and continues]
Ron Burgundy: It’s not news.
Kench Allenby: What?
[to the stage manager]
Ron Burgundy: Turn off the prompter.
[Ron hears Allenby through his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Ron, this is Kench. What the hell do you think you’re doing, mate? Just read what’s in front of you, or I will ruin you!
[Ron raises his hand remove his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Don’t! Don’t! You leave Kench inside your head!
[Ron removes his earpiece]
Kench Allenby: Goddamn it!
Freddie Shapp: He took out his earpiece.
Ron Burgundy: You see, folks, I’ve read a lot of news in my day, but it’s taken me until now to realize what real news is. Real news is supposed to let people know what the powerful are up to, so that power doesn’t become corrupt. But what happens when the powerful own the news?
Kench Allenby: Oh, you piece of shit!
Freddie Shapp: Shit, he’s blowing the whole thing up.
[Ron continues his speech]
Ron Burgundy: Recently, I’ve been on a bit of a personal journey. I made love to a proud, intelligent black woman. I became blind. I bottle fed and raised a shark. And I smoked a fair amount of crack. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that there was an emptiness left after turning my back on three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
[he looks over to Brian, Champ and Brick who are stood behind the camera watching him]
Brick Tamland: Hi, Ron!
Ron Burgundy: So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see my child’s recital and tell the woman I love that I still love her. Good night, America, and never forget, you deserve the truth.
[Ron stands, takes his microphone off and drops it on the desk and starts to leave]
Kench Allenby: Good. He’s dead, done. Linda, get the, the skirt in, the blonde. Anyone!
Freddie Shapp: He’s coming back!
[Ron comes back, picks up his microphone and speaks into it]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, also, one other thing. Koala Airlines is a really shitty airline.
Kench Allenby: You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!
[Ron goes over to Brian, Champ and Brick]
Ron Burgundy: Guys, I’m sorry. For a while there, I don’t know what became of Ron Burgundy. Brick, I’m sorry I yelled at you. Brian, I, no reason why I killed that story of yours, it was excellent reporting. And, Champ, I’m sorry I said no to all those offers for late night deep-tissue rubdowns.
Brick Tamland: Ron, you’re a good man. But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris, and before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself.
Ron Burgundy: What was that, Brick?
Brick Tamland: I’m wearing two pairs of pants.
Ron Burgundy: Thank you.
Brian Fantana: So that’s it, huh? You’re sorry? You know what, Burgundy? Apologies are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and everyone’s got a shoe box full of Polaroids of them under the bed.
Champ Kind: Ron, we’re a team, we need you.
Brian Fantana: Let him go, Champ.
[Ron turns and walks off]
Champ Kind: Ron!
[as Ron is walking out of the studio]
Champ Kind: Long live Ron Burgundy!
[as Ron leaves the studio Brick takes his seat at the news desk and starts speaking to the camera]
Brick Tamland: I’m Brick Tamland for GNN News. The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
[as Ron is leaving the building Allenby approaches him]
Kench Allenby: You little hack! Huh? Who the hell do you think you are? After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? Well, I will crush you!
[suddenly Linda opens the door and pushes Allenby out of the way]
Linda Jackson: Once again, Mr. Burgundy, you are the ballsiest white man I’ve ever known.
Ron Burgundy: What the hell? One more for old times’ sake.
[he grabs her and kisses her then starts to walk away]
[Veronica and Walter arrive at the school recital]
Veronica Corningstone: Thank you.
Walter Burgundy: Is Dad going to come?
Veronica Corningstone: No, sweetheart, Daddy has to work.
Walter Burgundy: He’s going to come. I know it.
[Ron runs of GNN building to hail a cab]
Ron Burgundy: Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
[as Ron reaches a cab it pulls away]
Ron Burgundy: Dammit! It’s so hard for a proud Mexican to get a taxi in this city!
[Ron starts runs down the street to get to the recital]
Ron Burgundy: I need to see my son!
[back to Walter’s recital]
Music Teacher: And now, to play an original composition that he wrote for his father, here is seven-year-old Walter Burgundy.
[the crowd claps as Walter steps onto the stage; Ron continues to run towards the school]
Ron Burgundy: I made a promise! I made a promise to my son!
[as Ron is running through the park he is ambushed by Jack and his team who are carrying axes]
Ron Burgundy: What the hell?
Jack Lime: Well, hello, Ron. You out for a jog?
Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime!
[Ron looks around and sees all the people in the park running off]
Ron Burgundy: Where’s everyone going? Please. I don’t have time to talk, okay? I have to be somewhere.
Jack Lime: Well, that’s funny, cause I got nowhere to be. Because you pretty much destroyed my career. Do you realize what it did to me, by making me call myself Jack Lame? It was a living hell!
Ron Burgundy: I’m telling you, you have to let me go!
Jack Lime: Oh, don’t worry. Four against one. This will be over fast.
[just then Brian appears from behind a tree with a crowbar in his hand]
Brian Fantana: Maybe not so fast!
[then Champ and Brick appear with carrying a large hammer and trident]
Ron Burgundy: My news team. Thank God!
[Brian, Champ and Brick come over to join Ron]
Champ Kind: Ain’t a day that will be or has been that we don’t have Ron Burgundy’s back.
Jack Lime: Not a problem. When I’m done with these mutts, I’m going to wipe my shoes on the curb.
Brick Tamland: Oh, yeah, Jack Lime? When I’m done with you, my mom’s going to pick me up and take me home.
[as Ron and Jack’s team are about to attack each other they are interrupted by the BBC news network team]
BBC News Anchor: Wait! Here’s a headline for you, “Moronic Yank Wankerman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From News Reader From a Superior Country.” For we are the BBC News Service!
BBC New Service Team: Raaahhh!
Ron Burgundy: No, not now.
[to his team]
Jack Lime: Fall back, fall back.
[they move back when the MTV news network team suddenly land in the park]
MTV Host: If y’all are going to get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV News crew want in.
Brian Fantana: What’s MTV?
Ron Burgundy: I think it’s a venereal disease.
MTV Host: The most requested video of the day, a new band called “Burgundy’s Sucking Chest Wound.”
[his team hold up their weapons ready to attack, just then they are interrupted by the entertainment news network team arriving in a car]
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: It wouldn’t be a battle without Jill Janson.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: And Wendy Van Peele from Entertainment News.
BBC News Anchor: Entertainment news is an abomination!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it’s your own blood!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: Today’s celebrity birthdays, none. Today’s celebrity deaths, all you dick-licks.
Brian Fantana: I like the way they’re put together.
Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I like to cunt punt cowboys.
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #2: You eat pussy?
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: You’re going to.
[they are all then interrupted by the Canadian news team]
Scott Riles: Hey! There’s not going to be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite
Canadian News team.
[his team hold up their hockey sticks and yell]
Female Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles: Give it a rest, hey?
Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can’t have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles: We’re going to mop the floor with you! We’re going to put the boots to you! Sorry.
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry. We’re going to gouge your eyes out and kick your head in!
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
Brick Tamland: I like your ginger ale!
[they are then interrupted by the sports news team]
ESPN Reporter: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight’s play of the day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body.
Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there’s a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy: It’s true, the market is becoming saturated.
[everyone is then interrupted by the History network team accompanied by famous ghosts]
History Channel Reporter: Hey, the History Network wants in on this. We’re news, too. Only news told much, much later.
Ron Burgundy: Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
History Channel Reporter: Yes, it is. And the mighty Minotaur.
Jack Lime: I don’t know about this, man. The Minotaur isn’t even history! He’s mythology!
[the Minotaur roars in anger]
Ron Burgundy: Let’s not downplay the fact that that’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
[just then Mack Tannen appears]
Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen! What are you doing here? You’re too old for this!
Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there’s the thing. When there’s an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind: He’s on our side, right, Ron?
[suddenly Tannen turns into a were-hyena]
Ron Burgundy: He’s a were-hyena!
MTV Host: I’m going to call Michael Jackson, I got a video idea.
Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up!
[Ron walks into the middle of the news teams gathered]
Ron Burgundy: By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return. People will die!
Entertainment Tonight Reporter #1: I’m so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured. In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual, no touching of the hair and face.
Scott Riles: Come on. What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry.
Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, maiden of the clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: I am El Trousias!
[everyone looks up to see the faux Greek goddess standing on a rooftop]
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: Hear my siren song!
[she starts blowing her horn]
ESPN Reporter: El Trousias, The Juicies.
[as she finishes blowing her horn]
El Trousias Maiden of the Clouds: That means you can start.
[referring to the futuristic weapon Brick is holding]
Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?
Brick Tamland: It’s a gun from the future.
MTV Host: No fair! He’s got a gun from the future!
Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?
[as Walter begins his piano recital the news network teams get ready to begin their battle]
BBC News Anchor: In the name of the King, the Queen and St. George.
BBC New Service Team: Huzzah!
[the battle begins with everyone using their weapons to attack each other, including Scott Riles who uses his hockey stick to take out someone’s eye]
Scott Riles: Guess you didn’t see that coming.
[the History new team use ancient bombs]
History Channel Reporter: Twenty degrees right.
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: Fill that gap! Fall upon your swords! Life has no meaning!
[to one of the news reporters that has been beaten down]
The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: There will be a mint julep waiting on the other side, son. Release your soul to me.
[he sucks the soul out of the reporters body, then the BBC News reporter shoots one of the Minotaur’s hands off, then the Canadian news team start throwing hockey balls at everyone with their hockey sticks]
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
Scott Riles: Sorry!
Female Canadian Anchor: Sorry!
[as Brian gets with a hockey ball]
Scott Riles: Sorry!
Brian Fantana: Sex Panther powers activate.
[Brian kills the Canadian news team with his super natural weapon, then Brick kills the MTV news team with his futuristic weapon]
[as the ghost of Stonewall Jackson appears before Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson! Everyone, it’s the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ron Burgundy: Why do we have to fight? There’s so much I could learn from you.
[Jackson starts sucking Ron’s soul out of his body but he’s interrupted by the BBC news team grabbing hold of Ron]
BBC News Anchor: In the name of Margaret Thatcher…
Ron Burgundy: No!
BBC News Anchor: I sentence you to death!
Ron Burgundy: Please, no!
[as the BBC News reporter hurls his axe at Ron it’s stopped mid-air just before it hits him, we see that Gary is the one who stopped it using his telepathic mind powers]
Ron Burgundy: What in the name of Dan lssel?
[Ron notices Gary is the one who stopped the axe]
Ron Burgundy: Gary!
Gary: Yes, Ron.
[he destroys the axe with his powers]
Gary: You and I never got along, but using the power of my mind, I was able to see in the future that you would do good. Now, go.
Ron Burgundy: I knew it!
Gary: Go to your son’s recital.
Ron Burgundy: I knew you had mind powers!
Gary: And make it the greatest day of your life!
[talking into a giant old fashioned cell phone]
ESPN Reporter: Almighty, Almighty, light the fuse on my call. Thirty-niner-niner-fourteen, cook these fools. I repeat, cook these fools.
[suddenly a jet flies in and starts shooting at everyone]
Ron Burgundy: We’ve got to get out of here. There’s too much news!
[Ron and his team make a run for it out of the park]
Brian Fantana: Man, what a rush!
Brick Tamland: The monster’s my friend!
Champ Kind: Ron, we can still make your kid’s recital!
[as the team make it out of the park they are stopped by Jack and his news team]
Jack Lime: Hey, Ronny!
Ron Burgundy: Jack Lime, please, I just want to get to my son’s recital.
Jack Lime: No! That is out of the question!
Brian Fantana: We’re outnumbered, Ron.
Jack Lime: Foam the runway, I’m coming in hot!
[as Jack and his team are about to attack suddenly a group of bikers ride in, their leader takes off his helmet to reveal it’s Wes Mantooth]
Wes Mantooth: Old MacDonald had a farm. And then four guys on bikes showed up.
Ron Burgundy: Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine news team!
Jack Lime: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? This is a national news fight.
Wes Mantooth: You made one mistake today. You messed with somebody from San Diego.
Ron Burgundy: It’s actually pronounced San Diago.
Wes Mantooth: Hell, Ron and I may not agree on everything, but we share the bond of being from the greatest city in the history of this Earth.
Jack Lime: Well, ain’t that cute? But you’re outnumbered three-to-one. Why don’t you go back to your mama?
Wes Mantooth: Don’t you use my mom’s name in vain. Dorothy Mantooth was a hard working single woman who raised seven children on her own, and she remained sexually active till the day she died.
Ron Burgundy: She brought pole dancing into the mainstream.
Wes Mantooth: Now here’s the thing. While I’ve been talking, my news team has emptied their gas tanks at your feet. I drop this smoke and every one of you goes poof.
Jack Lime: Well, you forgot one thing, leatherman. You drop that smoke, you die, too.
Wes Mantooth: With the things I’ve done in my life? Oh, I know I’m going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain’t afraid to burn here on Earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! That’s the most badass thing I have ever heard.
Jack Lime: Alright! Looks like this fight’s over.
[Jack’s team turns to leave]
Jack Lime: Let’s go, boys.
Brick Tamland: Yay! We won! Let’s celebrate!
[Brick holds up a lit sparkler]
Brick Tamland: Sparklers!
Ron Burgundy: No, no, no! Brick!
[Brick drops the sparkler]
[as the sparkler drops it starts a fire which then causes a massive explosion]
[as Walter finishes his piano recital, the crowd cheers and claps for him as he stands and bows he sees Ron and his team sitting in the crowd, next to Veronica cheering him on]
Veronica Corningstone: Bravo!
Ron Burgundy: Yeah!
Veronica Corningstone: Bravo!
Walter Burgundy: Dad!
Ron Burgundy: Son, I fought a Minotaur to be here. And I’d do it again.
Walter Burgundy: Dad, together we can defeat voodoo!
[Ron goes onto the stage and holds Walter up proudly and puts him on his shoulder]
Narrator: [voice over] Ron had finally learned how to love his son and his wife more than his career. And as it turned out, his walking off the news was the highest-rated TV event of the year. He and his news team, along with Veronica, could have any job they wanted. But before that, they had one little thing to take care of.
[the team are on the beach attending Brick’s wedding to Chani]
Priest: And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony, Brick and Chani ask us to join them as they exchange their vows.
[Chani reads from a long scroll]
Chani Lastnamé: My dearest Brick, everything I have is yours. My four lawnmowers, my sister, my thirty-five ferrets. My massive student loan and real estate debt. It’s all yours.
[Brick then reads from his scroll]
Brick Tamland: Oh, Chani. I will never forget the exact moment I saw you. My pee-pee got all uncomfortable in my pants, and I thought, “Here comes the warm milkshake out of the tip of my belly stick.”
[suddenly Walter stands and points to something]
Walter Burgundy: Wait! Look!
Veronica Corningstone: Walter! Walter! Honey! Sssh.
Walter Burgundy: Look in the water! It’s Doby!
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my God! It’s Doby! Doby!
[Ron runs towards the water]
Veronica Corningstone: Ron, what are you doing?
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
Veronica Corningstone: He’s not your friend!
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
[Ron gets into the water and starts swimming towards Doby]
Champ Kind: Ron! That’s a shark!
Veronica Corningstone: He will eat you!
[Ron swims underwater towards Doby and holds out his arms]
Ron Burgundy: Doby!
[he holds Doby’s head in his hands and kisses his head]
Champ Kind: Oh, my God! The shark actually recognizes him!
[suddenly Doby tries to attack Ron]
Brian Fantana: Nope. He’s viciously attacking him.
[last lines; as Doby continues to attack Ron]
Ron Burgundy: Doby! Doby, it’s me! Ron!
[Ron tries to swim away in panic]
Narrator: [voice over] If a man dies with love in his heart, does he truly die? Absolutely! But on this day, Ron Burgundy’s grapple with this denizen from the deep was halted by twenty-eight pounds of furry providence.
[Baxter comes forward barking and then runs into the water]
Ron Burgundy: I bottle-fed you! Ah!
[Baxter bites Doby on his side]
Ron Burgundy: Baxter!
[Baxter barks and we see subtitles, “I banish thee, Doby”, Doby then swims off and Baxter swims into Ron’s arms]
Ron Burgundy: Baxter! Baxter! Ah! Yes!
[Ron holds Baxter in his arms, Baxter barks and we see subtitles, “I seriously question why I maintain this friendship!”]
Ron Burgundy: I know! I know, I love you, too. Come on.
[with Baxter in his arms, Ron swims back towards the shore with the crowd cheering for them]
[after credits scene; the teams ends their first meeting after deciding what they want to broadcast]
Ron Burgundy: Alright, let’s do it.
[they all get up to leave]
Ron Burgundy: You guys think that what, I don’t know how to use a computer. Hey, fellas? I just saw Jack Lime out there.
[as the others walk off we see Brick is under the table eating a cookie from the floor]
Ron Burgundy: He’s a goddamn iceman. Scared the crap out of me.
[as Brick finishes eating he looks at the camera, smiles and waves at the audience]
Total Quotes: 132