Starring: Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Tamara Smart, Nonso Anozie, Colin Farrell, Judi Dench
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Story:
Sci-fi fantasy adventure directed by Kenneth Branagh. The story centers on young genius, Artemis Fowl (Ferdia Shaw), a descendant of a long line of criminal masterminds. As he seeks to find his father, who has mysteriously disappeared, with the help of his loyal protector, Domovoi Butler (Nonso Anozie), he uncovers an ancient, underground civilization, the amazingly advanced world of fairies. Deducing that his father’s, Artemis Sr. (Colin Farrell), disappearance is somehow connected to the secretive, reclusive fairy world, Artemis concocts a dangerous plan, so dangerous that he ultimately finds himself in a perilous war of wits with the all-powerful fairies.
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Our Favorite Quotes:
'Until I see you again, may the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may a friend be always near.' Click To Tweet 'A friend's eye is a good mirror.' - Artemis Fowl Click To Tweet 'Our world has never been so much in danger. It's not perfect. But it's ours. It's a light to guide us, and it's worth fighting for.' - Commander Root (Artemis Fowl) Click To Tweet
Best Quotes
Interrogator: What’s reality is that you are a common thief, who is somehow in league with a quite uncommon thief. We want to know everything about the man you work for.
Mulch Diggums: The man? Oh, no. This isn’t about the father. This is about the son.
Interrogator: The son?
Mulch Diggums: Do not underestimate the kid. Let me show you the infinite possibilities of magic. Let me tell you the story of Artemis Fowl.
[referring to Artemis]
Mulch Diggums: When he was ten, he cloned a goat and named it Bruce. Weird choice, but he’s an unusual kid. And you know when you’re that unusual, you’re going to stick out.
Dr. Po: The problem is that you don’t respect anyone enough to treat them as an equal.
Artemis Fowl: That’s ridiculous. I hold several people in the very highest esteem.
Dr. Po: Really? Who, for example?
Artemis Fowl: Albert Einstein. His theories were usually correct.
Dr. Po: How about someone you actually know?
Mulch Diggums: But, of course, Artemis wasn’t on his own, even if it may have seemed that way sometimes. For if there was one thing Artemis liked more than his own company, it was being at home with his dad.
Artemis Fowl: Just tell me when you’re leaving.
Artemis Fowl Sr.: The helicopter is being prepared for me right now, son. I’m sorry. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
Artemis Fowl: That’s what you said the last time, and the time before.
Artemis Fowl Sr.: I know, Arty. There’s just one very important thing I have to do. And I know it’s been hard, but, look, my work is coming to an end. And like the stories, you know, they all have an ending that just, well, it makes you smile. And this one will be no different. And when it ends, a new story will begin. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll be yours.
Artemis Fowl: I’m not a kid anymore, dad.
Artemis Fowl Sr.: Well, you used to believe in magic. You believed in the goblins, and you believed in the trolls. You believed in everything I told you about the Hill of Tara.
Artemis Fowl: All I really want is to believe in you.
[as he embraces Artemis]
Artemis Fowl Sr.: I love you, son. More than you could ever know.
Artemis Fowl: Then take me with you.
Artemis Fowl Sr.: You’re all I have now, Arty. Let me keep you safe for a little longer.
Artemis Fowl Sr.: And remember, until I see you again, may the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may a friend be always near. Good night, son.
Artemis Fowl: Good night, dad.
Mulch Diggums: Domovoi Butler. Friend, mentor, bodyguard. Ten years of martial arts training in Kyoto. Seven years of weapons training in Moscow. Six years of strength training at Gold’s Gym in Venice, California. Oh, and under no circumstances were you to ever call him “The Butler”, even though his last name was in fact Butler. You could call him Dom, or Domovoi, or “very large man in a suit”. But call him “The Butler”, and he’d snap you in half.
[as Artemis watches the news where it’s revealed Artemis Sr. has gone missing]
News Reporter: And the remaining question. Artemis Fowl, antiquities dealer, or criminal mastermind?
Artemis Fowl: How dare they! He’s not a criminal! He’s my dad! He’s my dad!
[answers a call]
Artemis Fowl: Hello?
Opal Koboi: Artemis Jr. I presume. I have your father.
Artemis Fowl: What? Who is this? Is this a hoax? If you have my father, I want proof.
Opal Koboi: Then you shall have some.
Artemis Fowl: Dad? Dad?
[we see a captured Artemis Sr.]
Artemis Fowl Sr.: Artemis. Artemis. You listen to me, son, you stay out of this. Okay? Do you hear me? There’s no way you can help me. It’s too big. Everything I’ve told you is true. It’s all true!
Opal Koboi: Your father stole something from me and hid it. My enemies have prevented me from retrieving it myself. You will do so on my behalf. Find the Aculos, or you will never see him again!
Artemis Fowl Sr.: Artemis!
Artemis Fowl: What’s the Aculos?
Opal Koboi: You’re a clever boy. You’ll work it out. You have three days.
Domovoi Butler: You weren’t supposed to see this yet.
[shows Artemis a hidden library in the house]
[inside the hidden library]
Domovoi Butler: Your father would kill me if he knew we were here. I’m showing you because I have no choice.
Artemis Fowl: What is all this?
Domovoi Butler: This is where your father kept his entire life’s work. And his father, and his father before him. It’s not what it looks like, Artemis. Everything in this room was acquired for a specific reason. Sometimes to protect its secrets, sometimes to keep it from falling into the wrong hands. These are relics from another world.
Artemis Fowl: I don’t understand.
Domovoi Butler: I was never meant to share the details of your family business. These relics have been passed down through the generations. They’re secrets that your father had intended to share with you when the time was right.
Artemis Fowl: But the fairies are a myth. None of this is actually true.
Domovoi Butler: Look around you, Arty. Maybe those stories can help us find him.
[referring to the Artemi Sr.]
Domovoi Butler: The only thing he kept private was his journal.
Artemis Fowl: Then that’s what we have to find.
Domovoi Butler: I wouldn’t know where to begin to look. Could your father have ever given you a clue as to where to start?
Artemis Fowl: He never told me how to start, but he may have told me how to end.
Domovoi Butler: End?
Artemis Fowl: Yeah.
Artemis Fowl: He read the same poem to me every night before bed, and every time he left. “May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rains fall soft upon your fields.”
Domovoi Butler: Who wrote this poem, Arty?
Artemis Fowl: Nobody knows. That’s just it.
Domovoi Butler: Then how do you find it?
Artemis Fowl: It’s known as The Irish Blessing.
[after finding Artemis Sr.’s journal]
Domovoi Butler: Go to the last entry.
[reads from the journal]
Artemis Fowl: “She’s hunting me now, and would kill me to find it. She knows the truth of what Beechwood gave me before he died. They know we have the Aculos.”
Domovoi Butler: The voice on the phone told you to find it.
Artemis Fowl: “The Aculos cannot fall into the wrong hands. It had to be protected, even from the fairies themselves. Time to believe.” Time to believe in fairies? But they’re not real. Are they?
[referring to fairies]
Mulch Diggums: But as Artemis would soon find out, they are very real, and they’ve been living right under your feet for a thousand years. And their cities at the center of the Earth are not something out of a storybook. Oh, no. They are just as real as you. Diverse, and strange, and beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wondrous, thriving metropolis that is Haven City, home of the fairies.
Mulch Diggums: See, this is my favorite part. Mainly because I’m in it.
Mulch Diggums: Keep an eye out, brothers. We dwarves got to watch each other’s backs, am I right? Lay low, I’ll get us out of here.
Dwarf Prisoner #1: You’re not a dwarf.
Mulch Diggums: No, I am. I’m a dwarf.
Dwarf Prisoner #2: No, you’re not.
Mulch Diggums: I am a giant dwarf.
Holly Short: What are you in for this time, Mulch?
Mulch Diggums: Ah, tunneling and entering. Put in a good word for me, will you? You know I’m an artist.
Holly Short: Yeah. A con artist.
Mulch Diggums: Art is art. Great artists are never understood.
Mulch Diggums: Hey, you and I would make a great team, you know? Me cracking safes, tunneling into banks, you watching my back with your tiny but effective fairy weapons.
Holly Short: That’s your plan?
Mulch Diggums: Less of a plan, more of a lifestyle choice. By the way, this your wallet?
Holly Short: Stop picking my pockets!
Mulch Diggums: Think of my children, Holly.
Holly Short: You don’t have children!
Mulch Diggums: Not yet.
Mulch Diggums: We’re the same, you know? Your last name is Short! My whole body is short!
Holly Short: You’re not short.
Dwarf Prisoner #2: I keep telling you that.
Mulch Diggums: That’s just discriminatory. I’ll write it off as ignorance because I love you!
Opal Koboi: You will infiltrate Fairy Command on my behalf.
Briar Cudgeon: I spy?
Opal Koboi: You spy or you die.
Commander Root: [to her army] Until the Aculos is safely returned, our entire civilization is at risk from the humans, or from enemies amongst our own kind. There is a dark force at work, and it will stop at nothing until it has the Aculos. So keep your eyes peeled. See it and report it. We must recover the Aculos and protect our anonymity. For the peace to remain, so must our secret existence. Preserve that at all costs. Jeopardize it, and I’ll have you incarcerated at Howler’s Peak.
Juliet: You’re not giving up, are you?
Artemis Fowl: Of course not. But I think I may know the problem. I’m not the one to find it.
Juliet: So, how do we summon this mysterious finder of Aculoses?
Artemis Fowl: The fairies, of course. They’ll help us.
Juliet: Will they?
Artemis Fowl: With a bit of persuasion.
Mulch Diggums: Foaly. Fairy tech genius and centaur. Do not ask him for a ride. I learned that the hard way.
Foaly: This is the quickest way we can take you to the surface, so pay attention. You’ll be sitting on two hundred thousand tons of molten lava, and traveling at over six hundred miles an hour. So, don’t get out until I give the all-clear. Otherwise, it’s goodbye, Holly. Rest in pieces.
Holly Short: No need to sound so excited about it.
Foaly: What can I say? I just love science.
[Artemis reads from his father’s diary]
Artemis Fowl Sr.: These are dangerous times. I’ve lost a friend, and soon, Artemis will begin to know the rumors about me and the thefts. Is he ready for the truth? That a darkness threatens both the human and the fairy worlds? When Beechwood came to me, I knew there was no choice. The Aculos was being targeted. In the wrong hands, it would mean access to the greatest spells in fairy lore. One could teleport armies, wipe out life. The wrong hands are now very close. They belong to a brilliant fairy. Perhaps the greatest of them all. But gone to the bad. Name, Opal Koboi.
[referring to Cudgeon]
Commander Root: Get the four-leaf clover out of here.
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