Movie Info
Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Kathy Bates, Christina Hendricks, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Ryan Hansen
Story: Black comedy crime sequel directed by Mark Waters. Bad Santa 2 (2016) follows Willie Soke (Billy Bob Thornton), still a halfway decent thief and a truly terrible mall Santa. Willie and Sunny (Kathy Bates), his tough-as-nails, foul mouthed mean mother, try to scam a charity headed by Diane (Christina Hendricks) and her husband Regent (Ryan Hansen). Although Diane looks prim and proper on the outside, she apparently “has a thing for shady lowlifes in a Santa costume,” so Willie should be just her type.
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Top Bad Santa 2 Quotes
Willie Soke: Let’s just say my whole life has been one long f***ing miserable nightmare most of the time. And pure s**t on a good day.
Willie Soke: I even almost had a friend once. Sure, he was a mouth-breathing, snot-dripping eight year-old who couldn’t find his fat a** with both hands, but he was clueless enough to think I wasn’t the worthless piece of s**t everybody else thinks I am. Including me.
Willie Soke: You can only puke in somebody’s lap so many times before the romance takes a s**t.
Willie Soke: So you see, happy endings are bulls**t. Actually, there aren’t such things as endings at all, because when some s**t gets over with, some other whole thing starts that sucks a**. Merry f***ing Christmas.
Thurman Merman: [walks in the room and sees Willie hanging] Willie, what are you doing? Did you get yourself stuck up there? Okay, I’ll go.
Marcus Skidmore: Are you a complete f***ing retard?
Thurman Merman: No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me. I’m top of the spectrum. So they made me a full-time sandwich consultant.
Marcus Skidmore: Well, I’m glad you followed your passion.
Marcus Skidmore: Can you still crack a safe? Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?
Willie Soke: I can crack just fine, thanks.
Thurman Merman: Guess you don’t know what today is.
Willie Soke: I don’t even know what f***ing year it is, kid.
Willie Soke: Today is your f***ing birthday?
Thurman Merman: Uh-huh. I’m twenty-one. Officially a man.
Willie Soke: Goddamn. You’re twenty-one already. That’s creepy.
Thurman Merman: Are you still going to pop my cherry?
Willie Soke: Am I going to what? No! F*** no!
Thurman Merman: But you said that when I was twenty-one that you’d pop my cherry.
Willie Soke: I said I’d get it done by somebody else. Besides that, I’m a f***ing guy. You didn’t turn funny, did you?
Thurman Merman: Am I funny?
Willie Soke: [giving Thurman advice on how to have sex] Now, listen, here’s how it works. She’s going to pull her rig off and she’s going to get on all fours. Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig. Then you’re going to see something that looks like some kind of Japanese food. It ain’t, so don’t eat it. That’s the bullseye. Then, you just start tugging on your little soldier. Wait until he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep poking it in there till he spits up. Now, you’re going to need a raincoat. She’ll have one, so don’t worry about that. As soon as you’re done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way, you don’t wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so that you don’t puke. Shouldn’t be a problem for you. You got it?
Marcus Skidmore: I just want to remind you of something. It’s Christmas. A time for forgiveness. For family.
Willie Soke: I’m going to remind you to f*** yourself.
Sunny Soke: [to Willie] Boy, you been selling your blood for booze? You look like a f***ing albino scarecrow.
Sunny Soke: I got chicken feet in the fridge. So that’s what smells like nut sack. Boy, have a beer. I even got minis for the midget.
Marcus Skidmore: Don’t you ever f***ing call me that.
Sunny Soke: Hey, listen, little man, I don’t speak politically correct, so if you got a problem with that, you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.
Willie Soke: And how do you know all this s**t?
Sunny Soke: Because I work there, dumba**. It’s a part of my release from the joint. I’ve been there three months. Just did a little digging, a little Googling, a dry hand-job to Isaac in Accounting… Boom.
Sunny Soke: [to Willie] If I cut ties with every numbnut who tried to shoot me, I never would’ve gotten pregnant with you.
Marcus Skidmore: What, you don’t trust your mother?
Willie Soke: Yeah, I trust her about as far as I can throw you. And I trust you about as far as I can throw her.
Willie Soke: [collecting money dressed as Santa] Spare some change. Think about somebody else besides your f***ing self.
Sunny Soke: That’s the ugliest f***ing baby on the planet.
Willie Soke: I guess the abortion didn’t take.
Willie Soke: [as they’re collecting money] F***ing dimes? Are you s**tting me?
Sunny Soke: This ain’t no strip joint.
Marcus Skidmore: If we got no access to the safe, there’s no reason for me to be standing out here, freezing my f***ing nuts off!
Willie Soke: You mean your nuts haven’t been scraped off because they’re so low to the ground already?
Marcus Skidmore: [to Willie] You know every time you’re passed out, I lay ’em on your forehead and take a picture of it. I got a whole Instagram with that s**t of me tea-bagging you. Four thousand followers and counting, m*****f***er.
Willie Soke: [collecting money dressed as Santa] Here you go, lady, how about a little money? You know what, you’d better hope the orphans don’t riot. They’ll eat your fat a** right off the bat.
Buttslap Santa: I am going to have to ask you to watch your language when you’re representing the suit.
Willie Soke: And I’m going to have to ask you to suck my f***ing d**k.
Buttslap Santa: I’m warning you. Nothing and no one is getting in the way of me spreading my joy!
Buttslap Santa: You are hurting inside.
Willie Soke: Is that right?
Buttslap Santa: And there’s only one thing that can change that.
Willie Soke: Yeah? What’s that?
Buttslap Santa: A hug.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind?
Willie Soke: Why do I care? I’ll tell you why I care. Because the world’s a f***ing s**t hole. But when I put this suit on, I feel like…Well, I feel like General MacArthur must have felt when he put his uniform on and went and killed all them Filipinos. Look, I put up with a lot of s**t from kids. For the kids. I won’t pi** on this suit. I really won’t. I mean, give a broke-d**k m*****f***er a chance, will you?
Bartender: You can’t smoke here, sir.
Willie Soke: So call the f***ing law. And while they’re rolling their fat a**es down here, I’ll be smoking like an old Buick, alright?
Sunny Soke: You think I was really ready to be a mom at thirteen? Huh? We were going to wait at least another year. I mean, the one time your son-of-a-b**ch father didn’t put it in my a**, I had to go and get pregnant.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind? I ain’t dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and s**t. Because I’m all about the birth of Christmas. You know, the wise guys kicked him out of the hotel, and the ejaculate conception and the drummer that didn’t have s**t to give him but some perfume. And the King Midas, or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half, turn him into gold, and see, I… It’s a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.
Diane Hastings: Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?
Willie Soke: Exactly.
Marcus Skidmore: How do I look?
Willie Soke: You look like one of those trolls that gang-f***ed Willy Wonka.
Marcus Skidmore: When I was at the pen, everyone called me Tripod.
Willie Soke: Well, if your legs are six inches long, that’s not that big of a f***ing deal, see. Now, if you’re six foot five, and they called you Tripod, then you’re talking about something.
Diane Hastings: Tell me how dirty it is.
Willie Soke: Well, it’s a dumpster in an alley. It’s pretty, pretty f***ing dirty, I guess.
Grand Rapids Girl: Will you be able to find me at my grandma’s house in Grand Rapids? Because no one’s going to be at our Chicago house for two weeks.
Willie Soke: Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll find you. But, hey, do Santy a favour, will you? You know the address of where you’re not going to be? Write it down on a piece of paper and bring it back to Santy, will you?
Willie Soke: [as Santa] What can I get you?
Stuffed Cow Girl: A stuffed cow that moos but doesn’t poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
Willie Soke: What?!
Willie Soke: What can Santy Claus get you?
Penguin Girl: A penguin. It doesn’t have to be alive.
Hand Grenade Boy: I want a hand grenade.
Willie Soke: Yeah, well, I want a hand release, but you don’t see me holding my breath, do you?
Hand Grenade Boy: What’s a hand release?
Willie Soke: It’s kind of a compromise. Anyway, Santy ain’t no arms dealer, so I can’t help you out.
Thurman Merman: I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. The best Christmas gifts are always a surprise.
Willie Soke: Are you off of your goddamn nut? Is that what you do? You follow people all the way across the f***ing country?
Thurman Merman: Not everyone. Just you. Are you surprised?
Sunny Soke: [referring to Thurman] Is this your spawn?
Willie Soke: Do I look like I made him?
Sunny Soke: Well, if this ain’t foetal alcohol syndrome, then what the f*** is it?
Thurman Merman: My mom’s in Jesus’s house with Mary and Joseph and the talking walnut.
Sunny Soke: [to Willie] You a hundred percent sure he’s not yours?
Thurman Merman: Can we get a Chicago pizza? It’s like pizza, but in Chicago.
Thurman Merman: This is really fun, Willie. I didn’t even know you had a mom.
Willie Soke: What did you think? I was just hatched?
Thurman Merman: [to Willie] Well, I know you’re not “the” Santa. But you’re still my Santa.
Willie Soke: Now, listen, don’t be sitting on any toilet seats. If you got to take a s**t just stand over it, couple of feet away, take aim and blow it in there. Because I’m pretty sure crabs can jump.
Willie Soke: [to Thurman] I’ve been chasing your a** off ever since I f***ing met you. Do you not take a hint? I f***ing told you that I ain’t that guy. Life sucks a big, giant d**k, kid. But you’re a f***ing man now and you got to face up to it. Welcome to the s**t show.
Thurman Merman: You’re my family.
Willie Soke: No, I’m not your family.
Thurman Merman: Okay. I’ll try to be a man. For you.
Willie Soke: No, not for me. For you.
Sunny Soke: I tried seducing the girl myself, but she’s strictly d**kly.
Thurman Merman: [to Willie] I know you’re not my real family, but when you don’t have real family, then you have to make a new one. And it’s actually better because then you get to pick the people who are in your family. And you’re the family I picked. And that’s why I followed you to Chicago. Because I didn’t want you to spend Christmas alone.
Willie Soke: Well, I guess this is what they call a happy ending. But, far as Christmas miracles go, s**t, I don’t know.
Willie Soke: I guess I did learn one thing about family from that crazy b**ch. And that is, if yours happens to be a bag of d**ks, then f*** them. Start over.
Willie Soke: So maybe there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle, or whatever. But I’ve worn the suit enough to know a perfect Christmas gift when I see one. And like the kid says, “The best gifts are always a surprise.” So if a happy ending is staring at you right in the f***ing face, then just say, “Alright, I guess I’ll take it.