Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Kathy Bates, Christina Hendricks, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Ryan Hansen
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Black comedy crime sequel directed by Mark Waters. Bad Santa 2 (2016) follows Willie Soke (Billy Bob Thornton), still a halfway decent thief and a truly terrible mall Santa. Willie and Sunny (Kathy Bates), his tough-as-nails, foul mouthed mean mother, try to scam a charity headed by Diane (Christina Hendricks) and her husband Regent (Ryan Hansen). Although Diane looks prim and proper on the outside, she apparently “has a thing for shady lowlifes in a Santa costume,” so Willie should be just her type.
Thurman Merman: [after Willie tries to hang himself in his motel room] Willie? Willie? It’s me, Thurman.
Thurman Merman: [walks in the room and sees Willie hanging from the ceiling] Willie, what are you doing? Did you get yourself stuck up there? Okay, I’ll go. But this package came to my house for you, Willie. There’s a lot of money in it, and a phone, and a note.
Marcus Skidmore: What? Chair!
Thurman Merman: Chair?
Marcus Skidmore: Chair!
Thurman Merman: Chair.
Marcus Skidmore: Give me the goddamn chair.
Thurman Merman: [as the ceiling light Willie was trying to hang himself from breaks] Willie, you fell.
Marcus Skidmore: Goddamn, are you a complete f***ing retard?
Thurman Merman: No, the Hungry Hoagies people tested me. I’m top of the spectrum, so they made me a full-time sandwich consultant.
Marcus Skidmore: Well, I’m glad you followed your passion.
Thurman Merman: Is the oven on? Are you making Hot Pockets? We do hot sandwiches at Hungry Hoagies now, but I always burn my hand getting them out of oven. Darlene says I should put butter on my hand, but that’s stupid. We only put butter on food. Hand isn’t food.
Marcus Skidmore: I know we left on bad terms, but you got to understand, it was only business. We were partners and I broke that sacred bond. It’s not an excuse, but Lois got all up in my kitchen. Crazy b**ch had me all turned around with her magical Laotian pu**y.
Willie Soke: Don’t blame it on the snapper.
Marcus Skidmore: I was pu**y-blind. I’m ashamed.
Willie Soke: You tried to murder me, you little p**ck. Remember that? And not with some little nubbin-d**k gun, but with adult man-sized bullets.
Marcus Skidmore: And now I’m here to make it up to you.
Willie Soke: Why are you even out of the joint anyway? Some pity case on account of you’re a genetic defect? You know, they used to sterilize guys like you. Keep the world from becoming some N**** Land of Oz.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the f*** up! Early release. Overcrowding.
Willie Soke: Well, it must’ve been packed to the gills if they couldn’t cram your three-foot a** in there.
Marcus Skidmore: We got a job, Willie. That two grand is just to show I’m serious. Can you still crack a safe? Or did you get carpal tunnel from jacking off?
Willie Soke: I can crack just fine, thanks.
Marcus Skidmore: I’m talking millions this time.
Willie Soke: Where at?
Marcus Skidmore: Chi-Town.
Willie Soke: I thought you were all done with the gooks.
Marcus Skidmore: Chicago, you racist moron f***! I got an associate out there who has got this thing all lined up.
Willie Soke: What associate?
Marcus Skidmore: I’m not at liberty to disclose just yet, but they know your work and they want to bring us in and put us up in some fine-a** metropolitan digs and finance the whole operation.
Willie Soke: You’re out of your f***ing skull.
Marcus Skidmore: What are you going to do? Try and kill yourself again?
[Willie starts to get up from their diner booth]
Willie Soke: That’s none of your goddamn business what I do. Don’t let the door hit you in the a**, or I won’t let it hit me in the a**, whatever the f*** it is.
Marcus Skidmore: Did you even score once while I was away? I’m talking two mil here. That’s a lot of fat-a** b**ches and whiskey.
Willie Soke: F*** you.
Thurman Merman: Why do you have to go so soon? We just got back together.
Willie Soke: Cut that s**t out. We’re not back together.
Thurman Merman: Guess you don’t know what today is.
Willie Soke: I don’t even know what f***ing year it is, kid.
Thurman Merman: It’s my birthday.
Willie Soke: Today is your f***ing birthday?
Thurman Merman: Uh-huh. I’m twenty-one, officially a man.
Willie Soke: Goddamn. You’re twenty-one already. That’s creepy.
Thurman Merman: Are you still going to pop my cherry?
Willie Soke: Am I going to what? No! F*** no!
Thurman Merman: But you said that when I was twenty-one that you’d pop my cherry.
Willie Soke: I said I’d get it done by somebody else. Besides that, I’m a f***ing guy. You didn’t turn funny, did you?
Thurman Merman: Am I funny?
Willie Soke: So you haven’t done it with anybody yet. Not a man or a woman or an animal or anything.
Thurman Merman: No, I waited for you.
Willie Soke: But surely, you jerked off or…
Thurman Merman: You mean m******ate, don’t you?
Willie Soke: Well, if you want to be scientific, yeah, I guess so.
Thurman Merman: My friend Ronnie says, it’s when you play with your wiener and think about your mother. I did it once, but it felt weird. She’s in heaven with God, you know. Watching me.
Willie Soke: Okay, so here’s how it’s going to go down. He’s already asked me where his cherry is. So you could tell him to put his d**k in your purse and he wouldn’t know any f***ing difference. It’s going to be the easiest twenty bucks you ever made.
Opal: Twenty bucks? You must be high on some strong s**t, Willie. A hundred, or I’m going to carry my a** out of this old piece of a room right now.
Willie Soke: Alright. Fifty, or I’ll just go get your mother.
Willie Soke: Alright.
Opal: And nothing up my a**. You done took all that, Willie.
Willie Soke: Okay.
Opal: Well, let’s get to it. I got to pick up my grandson from ballet.
Willie Soke: [giving Thurman advice on how to have sex with Opal] Now, listen, here’s how it works. She’s going to pull her rig off ad she’s going to get on all fours. Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig. Then you’re going to see something that looks like some kind of Japanese food. It ain’t, so don’t eat it. That’s the bulls-eye. Then you just start tugging on your little soldier. Wait till he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep poking it in there till he spits up. You’re going to need a raincoat. She’ll have one, so don’t worry about that. As soon as you’re done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way, you don’t wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so that you don’t puke. Shouldn’t be a problem for you. You got it?
Opal: [to Thurman] Come on, baby. Come on. Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.
Marcus Skidmore: You got one job this time. Open a safe. Till then, just keep your drunken deviant f***ing mouth shut.
Willie Soke: You know what you need? You need some pu**y. I’ll see if I can find you a cat somewhere.
Willie Soke: I traveled all the way across the country to rob a goddamn charity?
Marcus Skidmore: Why? You got a problem with that?
Willie Soke: Yeah, you damn right I got a problem with it. No way these a**holes have two million bucks.
Marcus Skidmore: Will you keep it down, man. Moron.
Willie Soke: I don’t know.
Willie Soke: [they reenter the building] I see they made you some chairs already.
Marcus Skidmore: F*** you.
Diane Hastings: Come on in, fellas.
Willie Soke: Goddamn.
Marcus Skidmore: That’s Diane Hastings, she and her husband run the joint.
Diane Hastings: So like I was saying, finish filling out these forms and you can drop them off at the front desk, please. And then, you can go to the common room and pick up your uniforms.
Willie Soke: [quietly to Marcus] I bet that pu**y got lips like an orangutan.
Diane Hastings: Excuse me, Mr…
Marcus Skidmore: Cook. Randall Cook.
Willie Soke: What’s up?
Diane Hastings: Have you been drinking?
Willie Soke: [Marcus quickly goes to stand in front of Willie to cover his hard-on] I don’t know. Some vodka.
Diane Hastings: Because we don’t allow alcohol or drugs of any kind at Giving City.
Willie Soke: Why’s that?
Diane Hastings: You may not be aware of this, Mr. Cook, but we’re a charity. When you walk out those doors, you’re representing us. So please try and make us look good.
Marcus Skidmore: Oh, we’ll make you look great. Promise.
Willie Soke: Yeah.
Marcus Skidmore: [after Diane walks off] A hard-on? You sick f***. I’m the one that’s been in prison for ten years.
Willie Soke: It’s just a semi, don’t get all bent out of shape.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the f*** up.
Willie Soke: Lying little f***. You didn’t tell me I’d have to get in the f***ing suit again.
Marcus Skidmore: I thought it would be a bonus. And I just want to remind you of something. It’s Christmas, a time for forgiveness, for family.
Willie Soke: I’m going to remind you to f*** yourself.
Sunny Soke: S**tstick! What’s it been? Fifteen years? Twen…
Sunny Soke: [Willie punches her in the face] Well, one thing hasn’t changed. You still hit like your f***ing father.
Willie Soke: F***ing associate. No goddamn way. Not working with that poison b**ch. Never again.
Willie Soke: You tricked me, you little s**thole! You know f***ing well you did.
Marcus Skidmore: But I thought your dad was the one you hated.
Willie Soke: I hate him more than anything in the goddamn world! Except her.
Marcus Skidmore: Willie, stop! Willie!
Sunny Soke: [Willie stops in his tracks when Sunny comes around the corner] Okay, s**tstick, just give me back the money for the train ticket, then we’re square. Or you could do your dumb-a** self a favor, at least hear me out before you quit.
Sunny Soke: Boy, you been selling your blood for booze? You look like a f***ing albino scarecrow. Anyway, still good to see you.
Willie Soke: I can’t say I feel the same. Goddamn, what a s**t hole. You conned me, you little p**ck.
Marcus Skidmore: F*** you!
Sunny Soke: Make yourselves at home. Bedroom’s mine. That sofa folds out, so you guys can fight over that. I got chicken feet in the fridge, so that’s what smells like nut sack. Boy, have a beer. I even got minis for the midget.
Marcus Skidmore: Don’t you ever f***ing call me that.
Sunny Soke: Hey, listen, little man, I don’t speak politically correct, so if you got a problem with that, you take it up with the Lollipop Guild.
Marcus Skidmore: Shut the hell up!
Willie Soke: And when do you pull your little Roy Rogers pistol out on me again?
Marcus Skidmore: I said I was sorry. You got to let that s**t go, Willie!
Willie Soke: No, I think I’ll hang on to it.
Sunny Soke: Oh, Christ. If I cut ties with every numbnut who tried to shoot me, I never would’ve gotten pregnant with you. Come on, boy. It’ll be just like old times.
Willie Soke: Old times?
Sunny Soke: Mm-hmm.
Willie Soke: You mean a living f***ing nightmare? Why didn’t you say so? I’m in. You got to be s**tting me. Good luck with the shakes.
Sunny Soke: Willie, come on. Just give it a chance.
[Willie leaves Sunny’s apartment]
Marcus Skidmore: What, you don’t trust your mother?
Willie Soke: Yeah, I trust her about as far as I can throw you. And I trust you about as far as I can throw her.
Marcus Skidmore: Come on, Willie, I need this. And I know your sorry a** does too. Look at you, man.
Willie Soke: Okay, if you want me in on this, it’s you and me against her. You got it? She don’t get a f***ing nickel of what’s in that safe. Get me?
Marcus Skidmore: We’ll cut her out after the grab.
Willie Soke: Damn right.
Sunny Soke: [Willie and Marcus enter Sunny’s apartment] I knew you couldn’t stay away. You always were your mama’s boy.
Willie Soke: You just pipe down about the family stuff, okay? I’m in this for the dough, period. You get me?
Sunny Soke: Well, it’s starting to feel like Christmas.
Willie Soke: [in his Santa suit collecting money on a street corner] Spare some change. Think about somebody else besides your f***ing self.
Sunny Soke: [a man comes up with his baby to put some money in their charity bucket] Look at those cheeks!
Sunny Soke: [after the man walks away] That’s the ugliest f***ing baby on the planet.
Willie Soke: I guess the abortion didn’t take.
Sunny Soke: [as another passerby puts money in the collection bucket] Well, bless your heart.
Sunny Soke: [as the guy leaves she looks in the bucket] Cheap little f***er.
Willie Soke: F***ing dimes? Are you s**tting me?
Sunny Soke: This ain’t no strip joint.
Marcus Skidmore: What a f***ing Sokes family. This is what happens when you screw your cousins.
Sunny Soke: I taught this muskrat everything he knows.
Marcus Skidmore: [to Willie] Well, you don’t know s**t, then, do you?
Sunny Soke: Hey, listen, before we had midget…
Sunny Soke: [Marcus gives her a stern look] Excuse me, little people, we had Willie. He was my original elf. Remember those times, Willie? There ain’t enough booze to forget it.
Willie Soke: [dressed in his Santa suite collecting money] Okay, feed the kids. Come on. Give it up. You’ve seen them babies with beer bellies. Ho, ho! Come on, you got Jesus and the lambikins watching over you, checking their list twice. Here you go, lady, how about a little money? You know what, you’d better hope the orphans don’t riot. They’ll eat your fat a** right off the bat. You know, a lot of these kids don’t got any arms and legs and s**t. You’re lucky. See, ma’am? Yours got all their parts.
Buttslap Santa: [to Willie who’s dressed as Santa collecting money on the street corner] My spot. You are standing on my spot.
Willie Soke: Really? That’s funny, I don’t see your f***ing name on it anywhere.
Buttslap Santa: Well, in fairness, I did leave it unattended, but that’s only because I had to run off to the little boys room.
Willie Soke: What are you, a f***ing game show host or something? Dial it back a notch.
Buttslap Santa: But now I am back.
Buttslap Santa: I am going to have to ask you to watch your language when you’re representing the suit.
Willie Soke: And I’m going to have to ask you to suck my f***ing d**k.
Buttslap Santa: I’m warning you. Nothing and no one is getting in the way of me spreading my joy!
Willie Soke: You know what, I think you’re some kind of pervert and you’re afraid I’m muscling in on your f***ing fondle territory. That’s what I think.
Buttslap Santa: I see what’s going on here. Yes, I see. You are hurting inside.
Willie Soke: Is that right?
Buttslap Santa: And there’s only one thing that can change that.
Willie Soke: Yeah? What’s that?
Buttslap Santa: A hug.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind?
Buttslap Santa: A hug from Santa!
Willie Soke: [the Santa hugs Willie] No, I don’t need no f***ing hug from Santa. Let go of me, m**herf***er.
Buttslap Santa: Melt all that stress away.
Buttslap Santa: [quietly to Willie as he hugs him] Would you cool it, pal? You’re scaring all the kids away. You know what I mean?
Willie Soke: You are a f***ing pedophile!
Buttslap Santa: Let go of me.
[Willi starts hitting the Santa]
Willie Soke: [to the crowd that’s gathered as Willie continues to hit the Santa] This guy’s a pedophiliac, here, and he’s after all your kids. You better get out of here. You f***ing perverted f***ing a**hole!
Willie Soke: [just then twp cops arrive and start to drag Willie off the Santa] What the f***? Hang on a second. He’s the f***ing kid diddler, not me. I’m a hero!
Diane Hastings: You can turn in your suit when you clean yourself up.
Willie Soke: Now, hang on a second. You’re firing me? I rooted out a pervert. You should be throwing me a f***ing parade.
Diane Hastings: And we’re very grateful, but you reek of whiskey. You know the rules and you’re flouting them.
Willie Soke: Flouting? I never sucked jizz out of nobody’s a**. I mean, with a straw.
Diane Hastings: I believe that’s felching.
Willie Soke: Not that I would know.
Diane Hastings: I am all about those kids and the Christmas concert. We all participate. Volunteers, staff. If you’re interested, you could join us.
Willie Soke: Are you out of your goddamn mind? I ain’t dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and s**t. Because I’m all about the birth of Christmas. You know, the wise guys kicked him out of the hotel, and the ejaculate conception and the drummer that didn’t have s**t to give him but some perfume. And the King Midas or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half, turn him into gold, and but, see, I… It’s a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.
Diane Hastings: Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?
Willie Soke: Exactly.
Diane Hastings: Right.
Marcus Skidmore: [Marcus is all suited up] How do I look?
Willie Soke: You look like one of those trolls that gang-f***ed Willy Wonka.
Sunny Soke: [laughing] Good one, s**tstick. Hey, Shaft, you ready to stick it to this chick tonight?
Marcus Skidmore: B**ch, let me tell you something. When I was at the pen, everyone called me tripod.
Willie Soke: Well, if your legs are six inches long, that’s not that big of a f***ing deal, see. Now, if you’re six foot five and they called you tripod, then you’re talking about something.
Marcus Skidmore: Miserable f***s, both of you.
Diane Hastings: [pulls over next to Willie] Fine, get in. Regent and I haven’t had sex in over a decade. We stay together for the charity. I’m a good girl, Mr. Cook, but sometimes I need to be bad. Now get your filthy a** in the car.
Willie Soke: Now, see, that’s what I thought.
Diane Hastings: [as they’re having sex behind a dumpster in an alleyway] f*** me like the dirty little slut that I am.
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: What?
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: Don’t be weird. Tell me how dirty this is.
Willie Soke: Call me Santa.
Diane Hastings: Shut up. And spit on me. F***! Tell me how dirty it is.
Willie Soke: Okay. It’s a dumpster in an alley. It’s pretty, pretty f***ing dirty, I guess.
Diane Hastings: Tell me it’s f***ing dirty!
Willie Soke: Okay, it’s f***ing dirty. It’s dirty. Yes, it’s dirty.
Diane Hastings: Oh, oh, f*** me. I’m so dirty.
Willie Soke: Yeah.
Willie Soke: What can Santa Claus get you? What the hell are you looking at me so funny for?
Peeing Boy: Sorry, Santa, I had to go.
Willie Soke: [we see the boy has peed himself and it’s dripped onto the floor] Oh, is that you? I thought it was me.
Grand Rapids Girl: Hey, you’re wet.
Willie Soke: No s**t. What can I do for you?
Grand Rapids Girl: Will you be able to find me at my grandma’s house in Grand Rapids? Because no one’s going to be at our Chicago house for two weeks.
Willie Soke: Oh, yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll find you.
Grand Rapids Girl: But, hey, do Santy a favor, will you? You know the address of where you’re not going to be? Write it down on a piece of paper and bring it back to Santy, will you?
Willie Soke: [the girls writes down the address] Alright, honey. Good girl.
Willie Soke: [a young boy is sat on his knee to give his Christmas wishlist] What do you want?
Video Game Boy: I want Minecraft, Halo 5 Guardians, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Project X Zone Two, Assassin’s Creed Chronicles Trilogy, As…
Willie Soke: Yeah. Yeah. That’s great, that’s great. I, I don’t know.
Video Game Boy: Call of Duty Black Ops III…
Willie Soke: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have no idea what that s**t is. You could be speaking f***ing Swahili and I wouldn’t know any better.
Video Game Boy: Grand Theft Auto V.
Willie Soke: No, I don’t care.
Willie Soke: [dressed as Santa with a little girl sat on his knee] What can I get you?
Stuffed Cow Girl: A stuffed cow that moos but doesn’t poop. Some duct tape so I can build a boat.
Willie Soke: What?!
Willie Soke: Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get you?
Penguin Girl: A penguin. It doesn’t have to be alive.
Willie Soke: What’s up, champ?
Hand Grenade Boy: I want a hand grenade.
Willie Soke: Yeah, well, I want a hand release, but you don’t see me holding my breath, do you?
Hand Grenade Boy: What’s a hand release?
Willie Soke: It’s kind of a compromise. Anyway, Santy ain’t no arms dealer, so I can’t help you out.
Willie Soke: I ain’t exactly what you call the romantic type, you know. I don’t go in for all the sappy s**t, but I got to tell you, you got gigantic titties. And that’s no s**t.
Diane Hastings: Thanks?
Willie Soke: No sweat. See you.
Willie Soke: [over phone] This better be an emergency.
Thurman Merman: Willie, where are you? I’m in Chicago, but I can’t find you anywhere.
Willie Soke: Wait, hang on a second. What are you doing in f***ing Chicago?
Thurman Merman: I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. The best Christmas gifts are always a surprise.
Willie Soke: Are you off of your goddamn nut? Is that what you do? You follow people all the way across the f***ing country?
Thurman Merman: Not everyone. Just you. Are you surprised?
Willie Soke: No, this s**t happens every day.
Thurman Merman: It does?
Willie Soke: No. On what f***ing planet…? Never mind. What the f*** are you doing?
Thurman Merman: Willie, it’s really cold here. I didn’t bring a coat, only my gloves.
Willie Soke: Goddamn it. You got to be s**tting me. Do you got a pencil or some s**t to write on?
Sunny Soke: Is this your spawn?
Willie Soke: Do I look like I made him?
Sunny Soke: Well, if this ain’t fetal alcohol syndrome, then what the f*** is it? He keeps trying to make me a sandwich.
Willie Soke: That’s what he does.
Thurman Merman: [just then Marcus enters the apartment] Elf!
Sunny Soke: Hey! You get that key?
Thurman Merman: You got smaller.
Marcus Skidmore: [referring to Thurman] What the… Am I tripping?
Sunny Soke: You might be, because, you know, certain pu**ies has hallucinogenic aftereffects if you eat too much of it. I found out the hard way once when I messed with my own kind.
Thurman Merman: One time, I ate too much turkey bacon, I didn’t poop for two weeks. For four weeks.
Willie Soke: Hey, kid, listen. This is really not the right place for you to be, okay?
Thurman Merman: Because there’s not enough beds? I only counted one, plus a couch.
Willie Soke: Exactly.
Thurman Merman: You should get bunk beds, Willie.
Willie Soke: Yeah, maybe we’ll do that. But in the meantime, let’s you and me head out, alright?
Thurman Merman: Bye, Elf. Bye, Willie’s mom. My mom’s in Jesus’s house with Mary and Joseph and the talking walnut.
Sunny Soke: You a hundred percent sure he’s not yours?
Willie Soke: Yeah.
Sunny Soke: Well, then, cut him loose. Set some boundaries, for chrissake. You can’t have every stray following you around like a lost puppy.
Willie Soke: Jesus, I said I’m going, okay?
Thurman Merman: Can we get a Chicago pizza? It’s like pizza, but in Chicago.
Willie Soke: Yeah, we’ll get a pizza. No sweat.
Thurman Merman: [after Willie’s bought some pizza] This is really fun, Willie. I didn’t even know you had a mom.
Willie Soke: What did you think? I was just hatched?
Thurman Merman: Well, where were you born?
Willie Soke: I was born in the Pulaski County Juvenile Detention Center in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Thurman Merman: Oh, that sounds really nice.
Willie Soke: Well, it wasn’t nice. And she’s a mean f***ing b**ch, so don’t go getting any ideas, alright?
Thurman Merman: Well, sometimes you’re not nice, but you’re still Santa.
Willie Soke: Listen kid, seriously. You’re all grown-up and s**t now, okay? You got to stop that.
Thurman Merman: Well, I know you’re not the Santa. But you’re still my Santa.
Willie Soke: Come on. Let’s go.
Volunteer Greeter: Would you like to join us, Thurman? This looks like it might fit.
Thurman Merman: I get to wear this?
Volunteer Greeter: Of course you do. You’re a Santa now, Thurman. Go ahead, put it on.
[Thurman turns, pulls his pants down and we see he’s buck naked butt]
Willie Soke: Well, I guess this is what they call a happy ending. But as far as Christmas miracles go, s**t, I don’t know. That a**hole Regent ended up getting busted while I got off clean by ratting out my steaming pile of s**t mother. Guess I did learn one thing about family from that crazy b**ch. And that is, if yours happens to be a bag of d**ks, then f*** them. Start over.
Willie Soke: So maybe there is no such thing as a Christmas miracle, or whatever. But I’ve worn the suit enough to know a perfect Christmas gift when I see one. And like the kid says, “The best gifts are always a surprise.” So if a happy ending is staring at you right in the f***ing face, then just say, “Alright, I guess I’ll take it.”