Bad Teacher Movie Quotes: Patchy Crude Farce

Bad Teacher Quotes Page  1   2

[during the faculty members celebration]
Principal Wally Snur: But as summer draws upon us, it’s time not only to say goodbye to another school year, but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members.
[there’s a sigh of sadness by the crowd of faculty members]
Principal Wally Snur: Yes. Uh…Elizabeth? Is Elizabeth Halsey here?
[there’s a parting in the crowd and we see her waving]
Principal Wally Snur: There she is. Elizabeth, can you come on up here?
[Elizabeth walks towards Principal Snur and the crowd claps]
Principal Wally Snur: Yes, that’s appropriate applause I think. Elizabeth, um…even though you were only with us for one short year, um…please know that we will always consider you part of the Jams family. And we got you a little something. Tada!
[he hands her a small gift card which she opens to see the collection amount of $37]
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh! Thank you. Wow! Almost forty dollars. Thank you.
Principal Wally Snur: You’re very welcome.

[giving her speech to the faculty members after receiving her parting gift]
Elizabeth Halsey: Well, I’m really terrible at these types of things. So. I’ll make it quick. Uh…I know I’ve only been here a year, but there’s so much I will miss. My students probably most.
[we see a flash back Elizabeth running away as she spots a crying student]
Elizabeth Halsey: And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better.
[we see a flash back of Elizabeth running away when she spots celebration of one of the teachers birthdays]
Elizabeth Halsey: But between four classes and planing a wedding, my plate was full. Still I know out students are in good hands. And even though I’ll never teach again professionally, I’ve realized that I don’t need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example.

[as she walks through the front door of her house]
Elizabeth Halsey: Babydoll, I’m home!
[shouting form another room]
Mark: In here!
Elizabeth Halsey: Get yourself hard, cause I’m gonna suck your dick like a meth addict!
[she walks into the living room to see her Mark sitting on the couch with his mom]
Elizabeth Halsey: Look! You’re mom’s here!

Mark: I’m starting to think that maybe we need to take a break.
Mrs. Pubich: Forever!
Mark: Mom!
Mrs. Pubich: Tell her what the accountant said!
Mark: Mom!
[to Elizabeth]
Mark: Steven said that you spent sixteen thousand dollars last month. He thinks you’re bad news.
Mrs. Pubich: I know women like you!
Mark: Dammit, mom! I told you I could handle this!

Mrs. Pubich: Do you truly love my son?
Elizabeth Halsey: I love him so much, it hurts!
Mrs. Pubich: All right then. When is his birthday?
Mark: Mom!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m not…! You know, that is just offensive, that you would even ask me that!
Mrs. Pubich: It’s today.

Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine! I’ll sign the prenup.
Mark: It’s over, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Halsey: Mark, I’m pregnant!
Mark: No, you’re not.
Mrs. Pubich: Bullshit!
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine. I’m not actually pregnant.

Mark: You know what? I’m starting to wander whether this has always been about the money. You never loved me!
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t love you? I have been listening to you whine about opera for the last year!
Mark: Okay, if the younger generation doesn’t get into opera, then guess what? No more opera! An art form has died! If opera goes away we’re fucked!

[Elizabeth walks into her classroom]
Amy Squirrel: I am so excited we’re gonna be across the hall mates. But I am so sad it’s because your relationship ended.
Elizabeth Halsey: Who are you again?
Amy Squirrel: Amy Squirrel.
Elizabeth Halsey: Squirrel?
Amy Squirrel: Yeah! You know?
[she puts her hands in front of her mouth imitating a squirrel]
Amy Squirrel: Don’t worry, you were kinda of a lone wolf last year and so busy planning the wedding.
Elizabeth Halsey: I found him in bed with somebody else.
Amy Squirrel: Oh, my gosh!
Elizabeth Halsey: It was another man.
Amy Squirrel: Shut the front door!

Elizabeth Halsey: You know Lynn, when I first started teaching I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons. Shorter hours. Summers off. No accountability.
Lynn Davies: Oh, I love my summers. Fresh corn…mmm.
Elizabeth Halsey: From now on, my full time job is finding a guy who’s gonna take care of me.
Lynn Davies: God, I pray for that.

[to Lynn]
Elizabeth Halsey: You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun, I got some cool souvenirs. But those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean, they all wear condoms. Then they take the condoms with them! That’s how paranoid they are! Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom!

Elizabeth Halsey: I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I might get eight, eight and a half. But if I got a new pair of tits, right?
Lynn Davies: You don’t wanna do that. You’re already so pretty.
Elizabeth Halsey: You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types.
Lynn Davies: Yeah, that’s true. We’re not getting any younger.

[to her students on her first day back at school]
Elizabeth Halsey: Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show of hands.
[no one shows their hands]
Elizabeth Halsey: You kidding me? Edward James Olmos? Lou Diamond Phillips?
[the classroom is silent]
Elizabeth Halsey: Wow! All right.
[pointing to two students]
Elizabeth Halsey: You! And you. Grab a TV and roll it up front.
Sasha Abernathy: We’re watching a movie on the first day?
Chase Rubin-Rossi: I think it’s awesome. You rock!
[Elizabeth takes a bite from one of the cookies Sasha had given her but quickly spits it out]
Elizabeth Halsey: Urgh! These cookies suck!

[in the school cafeteria]
Russell Gettis: So, I heard about the whole engagement thing. That blows.
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog? Peanut butter everywhere.
Russell Gettis: That’s gross. Anyway, hey, uh…it might be too soon, but do you wanna grab a bite or something sometime?
Elizabeth Halsey: You still a gym teacher?
Russell Gettis: I am. Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: Then, no. I don’t date co-workers.
Russell Gettis: I won’t tell anyone.
Elizabeth Halsey: I also said no.
Russell Gettis: Okay, cool! Well, this has been awesome!

Amy Squirrel: Listen, I don’t wanna tell you how to run your class. But maybe it might be fun to try some ice breakers. Like telephone charades or the string game.
Elizabeth Halsey: Are we gonna have a problem, me and you?
Amy Squirrel: Go…no! Eliz…if I gave you that impression, well I…I’m so sorry! Because actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates.
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know what you heard, but I don’t eat muff pie.
Amy Squirrel: No, of course not. I don’t even know what that is. I just meant friends.
Elizabeth Halsey: Tell you what friend? I gotta get going. Cover me.
[she leaves the school cafeteria]

Scott Delacorte: I’m the new sub.
Elizabeth Halsey: Welcome! Welcome!
[looking at his watch]
Elizabeth Halsey: Is that a Jaeger LeCoultre?
Scott Delacorte: Good eye!
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks. I love mens watches. It’s kind of a hobby.
Scott Delacorte: Well, sometimes I get self conscious about it. But my grandfather made it, so.
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh, your grandfather designs watches?
Scott Delacorte: The family business, yeah. My mother’s maiden name is LeCoultre.
Elizabeth Halsey: Shut up!

Elizabeth Halsey: So did you and your wife just move to town?
Scott Delacorte: I’m not married. I actually just got out of a relationship. Catherine. Yeah, it’s been a year. She’s still the wallpaper on my phone.
[takes out his phone and shows her the photo of Catherine wearing a bikini]
Scott Delacorte: She had such a big heart.
Elizabeth Halsey: Looks like…enormous.

[calculating the breast enlargement operation costs]
Angela: The double is ninety three hundred for the surgery plus one nights stay at our facility. How would you like to pay?
Elizabeth Halsey: That’s absurd! I’m a teacher, not a dealer!
Angela: We accept all major credit cards.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yep. Well, my credit situation is a little complicated.
Angela: I’m sorry, but if you can’t pay then I can’t schedule the appointment.
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ll be back.

Elizabeth Halsey: What?
Sasha Abernathy: I’m the student leader for the trip to Springfield.
Elizabeth Halsey: [sarcastically] Shocker!
Sasha Abernathy: We’re having our car wash this weekend. If you’re around, maybe we could wash your car? The Springfield trip is the best part of seventh grade. Last years car wash raised six thousand dollars.
Elizabeth Halsey: Woh!

Principal Wally Snur: Did I hear that right? That you were showing movies all last week?
Elizabeth Halsey: Mmm…some clips maybe. But you know, in a lot of ways, I think that movies are the new books.
Principal Wally Snur: Uhuh.

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