Starring: Cameron Diaz, Lucy Punch, Jason Segel, Justin Timberlake, Phyllis Smith, John Michael Higgins, Dave Allen, Jillian Armenante, Matthew J. Evans, Kaitlyn Dever, Kathryn Newton, Igal Ben Yair, Aja Bair, Andra Nechita, Noah Munck, Finneas O’Connell, Daniel Castro, Adrian Kali Turner, Eric Stonestreet, Thomas Lennon
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Story:
Comedy directed by Jake Kasdan. The story centers on teacher Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) who can’t wait to marry a rich man and quit her job, but she has to rethink her plans when her fiancé dumps her. Then Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), a rich substitute teacher arrives and Elizabeth sets her plan in motion to win him over, but she faces stiff competition from Amy (Lucy Punch), a popular and perky colleague. Elizabeth also finds herself fighting off the advances of a sarcastic, irreverent gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel). The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, her coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 75)
[during the faculty members celebration]
Principal Wally Snur: But as summer draws upon us, it’s time not only to say goodbye to another school year, but sadly also to say goodbye to one of our faculty members.
[there’s a sigh of sadness by the crowd of faculty members]
Principal Wally Snur: Yes. Uh, Elizabeth? Is Elizabeth Halsey here?
[there’s a parting in the crowd and we see her waving]
Principal Wally Snur: There she is. Elizabeth, can you come on up here?
[Elizabeth walks towards Principal Snur and the crowd claps]
Principal Wally Snur: Yes, that’s appropriate applause I think. Elizabeth, um, even though you were only with us for one short year, um, please know that we will always consider you part of the Jams family. And we got you a little something. Tada!
[he hands her a small gift card which she opens to see the collection amount of $37]
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh! Thank you. Wow! Almost forty dollars. Thank you.
Principal Wally Snur: You’re very welcome.
[giving her speech to the faculty members after receiving her parting gift]
Elizabeth Halsey: Well, I’m really terrible at these types of things. So. I’ll make it quick. Uh, I know I’ve only been here a year, but there’s so much I will miss. My students probably most.
[we see a flash back Elizabeth running away as she spots a crying student]
Elizabeth Halsey: And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better.
[we see a flash back of Elizabeth running away when she spots celebration of one of the teachers birthdays]
Elizabeth Halsey: But between four classes and planing a wedding, my plate was full. Still I know out students are in good hands. And even though I’ll never teach again professionally, I’ve realized that I don’t need a blackboard or a classroom to set an example.
[as she walks through the front door of her house]
Elizabeth Halsey: Babydoll, I’m home!
[shouting form another room]
Mark: In here!
Elizabeth Halsey: Get yourself hard, cause I’m going to suck your dick like a meth addict!
[she walks into the living room to see her Mark sitting on the couch with his mom]
Elizabeth Halsey: Look! You’re mom’s here!
Mark: I’m starting to think that maybe we need to take a break.
Mrs. Pubich: Forever!
Mark: Mom!
Mrs. Pubich: Tell her what the accountant said!
Mark: Mom!
[to Elizabeth]
Mark: Steven said that you spent sixteen thousand dollars last month. He thinks you’re bad news.
Mrs. Pubich: I know women like you!
Mark: Dammit, mom! I told you I could handle this!
Mrs. Pubich: Do you truly love my son?
Elizabeth Halsey: I love him so much, it hurts!
Mrs. Pubich: All right then. When is his birthday?
Mark: Mom!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m not…! You know, that is just offensive, that you would even ask me that!
Mrs. Pubich: It’s today.
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine! I’ll sign the prenup.
Mark: It’s over, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Halsey: Mark, I’m pregnant!
Mark: No, you’re not.
Mrs. Pubich: Bullshit!
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine. I’m not actually pregnant.
Mark: You know what? I’m starting to wander whether this has always been about the money. You never loved me!
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t love you? I have been listening to you whine about opera for the last year!
Mark: Okay, if the younger generation doesn’t get into opera, then guess what? No more opera! An art form has died! If opera goes away we’re fucked!
[Elizabeth walks into her classroom]
Amy Squirrel: I am so excited we’re going to be across the hall mates. But I am so sad it’s because your relationship ended.
Elizabeth Halsey: Who are you again?
Amy Squirrel: Amy Squirrel.
Elizabeth Halsey: Squirrel?
Amy Squirrel: Yeah! You know?
[she puts her hands in front of her mouth imitating a squirrel]
Amy Squirrel: Don’t worry, you were kinda of a lone wolf last year and so busy planning the wedding.
Elizabeth Halsey: I found him in bed with somebody else.
Amy Squirrel: Oh, my gosh!
Elizabeth Halsey: It was another man.
Amy Squirrel: Shut the front door!
Elizabeth Halsey: You know Lynn, when I first started teaching I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons. Shorter hours. Summers off. No accountability.
Lynn Davies: Oh, I love my summers. Fresh corn, mmm.
Elizabeth Halsey: From now on, my full time job is finding a guy who’s going to take care of me.
Lynn Davies: God, I pray for that.
[to Lynn]
Elizabeth Halsey: You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun, I got some cool souvenirs. But those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean, they all wear condoms. Then they take the condoms with them! That’s how paranoid they are! Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I might get eight, eight and a half. But if I got a new pair of tits, right?
Lynn Davies: You don’t want to do that. You’re already so pretty.
Elizabeth Halsey: You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types.
Lynn Davies: Yeah, that’s true. We’re not getting any younger.
[to her students on her first day back at school]
Elizabeth Halsey: Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show of hands.
[no one shows their hands]
Elizabeth Halsey: You kidding me? Edward James Olmos? Lou Diamond Phillips?
[the classroom is silent]
Elizabeth Halsey: Wow! All right.
[pointing to two students]
Elizabeth Halsey: You! And you. Grab a TV and roll it up front.
Sasha Abernathy: We’re watching a movie on the first day?
Chase Rubin-Rossi: I think it’s awesome. You rock!
[Elizabeth takes a bite from one of the cookies Sasha had given her but quickly spits it out]
Elizabeth Halsey: Urgh! These cookies suck!
[in the school cafeteria]
Russell Gettis: So, I heard about the whole engagement thing. That blows.
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog? Peanut butter everywhere.
Russell Gettis: That’s gross. Anyway, hey, uh, it might be too soon, but do you want to grab a bite or something sometime?
Elizabeth Halsey: You still a gym teacher?
Russell Gettis: I am. Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: Then, no. I don’t date co-workers.
Russell Gettis: I won’t tell anyone.
Elizabeth Halsey: I also said no.
Russell Gettis: Okay, cool! Well, this has been awesome!
Amy Squirrel: Listen, I don’t want to tell you how to run your class. But maybe it might be fun to try some ice breakers. Like telephone charades or the string game.
Elizabeth Halsey: Are we going to have a problem, me and you?
Amy Squirrel: Go, no! Eliz, if I gave you that impression, well I’m so sorry! Because actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates.
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know what you heard, but I don’t eat muff pie.
Amy Squirrel: No, of course not. I don’t even know what that is. I just meant friends.
Elizabeth Halsey: Tell you what friend? I got to get going. Cover me.
[she leaves the school cafeteria]
Scott Delacorte: I’m the new sub.
Elizabeth Halsey: Welcome! Welcome!
[looking at his watch]
Elizabeth Halsey: Is that a Jaeger LeCoultre?
Scott Delacorte: Good eye!
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks. I love mens watches. It’s kind of a hobby.
Scott Delacorte: Well, sometimes I get self conscious about it. But my grandfather made it, so.
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh, your grandfather designs watches?
Scott Delacorte: The family business, yeah. My mother’s maiden name is LeCoultre.
Elizabeth Halsey: Shut up!
Elizabeth Halsey: So did you and your wife just move to town?
Scott Delacorte: I’m not married. I actually just got out of a relationship. Catherine. Yeah, it’s been a year. She’s still the wallpaper on my phone.
[takes out his phone and shows her the photo of Catherine wearing a bikini]
Scott Delacorte: She had such a big heart.
Elizabeth Halsey: Looks like enormous.
[calculating the breast enlargement operation costs]
Angela: The double is ninety three hundred for the surgery plus one nights stay at our facility. How would you like to pay?
Elizabeth Halsey: That’s absurd! I’m a teacher, not a dealer!
Angela: We accept all major credit cards.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yep. Well, my credit situation is a little complicated.
Angela: I’m sorry, but if you can’t pay then I can’t schedule the appointment.
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ll be back.
Elizabeth Halsey: What?
Sasha Abernathy: I’m the student leader for the trip to Springfield.
Elizabeth Halsey: [sarcastically] Shocker!
Sasha Abernathy: We’re having our car wash this weekend. If you’re around, maybe we could wash your car? The Springfield trip is the best part of seventh grade. Last years car wash raised six thousand dollars.
Elizabeth Halsey: Woh!
Principal Wally Snur: Did I hear that right? That you were showing movies all last week?
Elizabeth Halsey: Mmm, some clips maybe. But you know, in a lot of ways, I think that movies are the new books.
Principal Wally Snur: Uh-huh.
[looks at his dolphin collection and picks up one]
Elizabeth Halsey: Is this new? God, I love it! You know, I’ve always said that, dolphins are the humans of the sea.
Principal Wally Snur: I have a bumper sticker that says that!
Elizabeth Halsey: No way?
Principal Wally Snur: I’m not kidding! It’s on my car!
Elizabeth Halsey: Come on!
Principal Wally Snur: Hold on a sec.
[takes out a certificate of a dolphin he’s sponsored and holds it up]
Principal Wally Snur: His name is, uh, Simon. And he lives in the Cayman Islands, with his brother, A. Jackson.
Elizabeth Halsey: Wow! What a great story.
Elizabeth Halsey: I was thinking that I want to get more involved. You know, I don’t know? Something like, uh, maybe supervising the seventh grade car wash.
Principal Wally Snur: Uh, you know Amy has been running that, for like, two years.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, but she does so much already. It might be nice to give her a little rest.
Principal Wally Snur: That’s so nice, to see you become a real member of the Jams family.
Elizabeth Halsey: Just feels so good to help.
[at the school car wash event]
Scott Delacorte: Miss Halsey, I’m impressed.
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks! I’ve been working out.
[thinking he’s referring to her body, she gives him a little twirl but he ignores her]
Scott Delacorte: What a turn out!
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh, yeah! And the kids are just having a blast.
Scott Delacorte: Well, that’s what it’s all about.
Elizabeth Halsey: God, you know? We should go get a drink tonight. I feel like getting drunk. I mean not drunk drunk! Strong buzz. Still be able to drive.
Scott Delacorte: I’m sorry. I can’t yet, I’m just not ready. But, if you’re patient, I think I might be worth your while.
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re worth the wait.
Scott Delacorte: I think so too.
Amy Squirrel: Now, I don’t want to speak out of school, but from where I was sitting I think, it seemed like Miss Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money.
Principal Wally Snur: Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the seventh grade car wash?
Amy Squirrel: Wally, we barely know anything about her!
Principal Wally Snur: Yeah, you know what? They raised almost seven thousand dollars. So whatever she did, worked. Leah Humes dad called, he said the car wash was a raging success. And Loren Richmond’s dad called, he said we should have a car wash every weekend!
Amy Squirrel: Oh!
Principal Wally Snur: So instead of accusing her, you might want to ask her for some pointers!
Amy Squirrel: Well, if those pointers include wearing provocative beach wear, for money? I think I’ll pass.
[referring to Scott as he walks into the cafeteria]
Lynn Davies: I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.
Elizabeth Halsey: I want to sit on his face.
[referring to a student]
Scott Delacorte: Is everything okay with Gabby?
Amy Squirrel: She’ll be fine. I told her, Gabby if you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t expect others to be happy with you. It starts with you.
Scott Delacorte: I’m sure she appreciated that.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah. And it’s exactly what I told Elizabeth, when she told me about this upcoming fake breast job.
Scott Delacorte: Oh!
[Elizabeth gives Amy an evil look]
Amy Squirrel: Sorry! Sorry! I thought you were telling everyone.
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you?
Scott Delacorte: Well, I’m pro choice. I believe every one should choose whatever makes them happiest. Accept abortion, of course.
Elizabeth Halsey: Of course!
Amy Squirrel: Obviously!
Scott Delacorte: Looks like algebra is calling. I hate math. Wish me luck.
[with a thick foreign accent]
Amy Squirrel: Hi, I’m a math terrorist with close ties to alge-bra. I have weapons of math instruction!
Amy Squirrel: Hi! I got you something.
Scott Delacorte: What? You didn’t have to do that!
[she hands him a gift bag]
Amy Squirrel: It’s nothing. It’s, well, my favorite book.
[he takes out the gift and looks at it in amazement]
Scott Delacorte: Eat, Pray, Love.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah
Scott Delacorte: This is my favorite book too.
Amy Squirrel: What’s your favorite part?
Scott Delacorte: Love.
[Sasha catches Elizabeth smoking marijuana in her car]
Elizabeth Halsey: What do you want?
Sasha Abernathy: Is that marijuana?
Elizabeth Halsey: No. It’s medicinal marijuana. I have a prescription and everything. But I’m not going to tell you why, because it’s between me and my doctor.
Sasha Abernathy: Oh! Okay. Well, feel better!
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, word to the wise. Stop dressing like you’re running for congress.
Sasha Abernathy: I don’t want to run for congress. I want to be president.
Elizabeth Halsey: See, that’s what I’m talking about. Keep saying shit like that, you’re going to get punched. You really want to be president or is that something your parents want?
[Sasha shrugs he shoulders]
Elizabeth Halsey: Look, you don’t have to decide right now. You know, who knows, one day you wake up you decide you want to be a masseuse. Salary plus tips. Think about it.
Sasha Abernathy: If I think about it, will I get extra credit?
Elizabeth Halsey: Hopeless!
[at the School Christmas party]
Russell Gettis: want to go get high?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah! Give me a nug. I’ll go get some from my car.
Russell Gettis: Wow! No! I mean do you want to get high with me.
[dancing and singing along to 867-5309/Jenny by Tommy Tutone]
Scott Delacorte: They don’t make songs like this anymore, right?
Russell Gettis: You know, that’s actually not true Scott. I’m writing a song right now called, eight five five eight two four one seven seven seven. Extension seven seven.
Scott Delacorte: I don’t know how to say this. I’m kinda nervous. This all just happening so quickly.
Elizabeth Halsey: You can tell me anything, Scott. You’re one of my best friends.
Scott Delacorte: I’m crushing on someone.
Elizabeth Halsey: I think you’re pretty great too.
Scott Delacorte: Thanks. It’s Amy.
[referring to Amy]
Scott Delacorte: She’s been amazing, helping me deal with my breakup.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, I don’t know her that well. I know all the other teacher really hate her fucking guts, but I stay above all that stuff. Can I be honest with you?
Scott Delacorte: Of course.
Elizabeth Halsey: It’s nothing personal, but I don’t think that you’re Amy’s type.
Scott Delacorte: Really?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah.
Scott Delacorte: Always seemed so, I don’t know, sympatico.
Elizabeth Halsey: Trust me. She’s only using you for your money.
Scott Delacorte: What? Well, I feel stupid.
Elizabeth Halsey: No! Scott! Scott! Look at me? I’m going to get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months and when I recover from my surgery, you and I are going to go out and we are going to find awesome people for each other.
Scott Delacorte: That sounds nice.
[trying to give Lynn some weed to smoke]
Elizabeth Halsey: Just try it? Try it!
Russell Gettis: Can you please stop pressuring her!
Elizabeth Halsey: How does she know she doesn’t like it, if she’s never tried it before?
Lynn Davies: You know we should probably be getting back.
Elizabeth Halsey: Just fucking do it. Weed is awesome!
[challenging Russell to climb up the gym rope]
Russell Gettis: Are you sure you want to do this?
Elizabeth Halsey: Gym teacher.
Russell Gettis: You understand this is what I do?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, I got it.
Russell Gettis: Like for a living?
Elizabeth Halsey: Mhmm.
Russell Gettis: Right
[he grabs hold of the rope and tries to haul himself up but he’s unable to climb up it]
Elizabeth Halsey: You have no upper body strength.
Russell Gettis: Yes, I do! Just not in my arms or my chest. But I have cat-like reflexes. Makes up for it.
[Elizabeth quickly hits him on the arm]
Elizabeth Halsey: So, Russell?
Russell Gettis: Mhmm.
Elizabeth Halsey: What has to go wrong in someones life for them to end being a middle school gym teacher?
Russell Gettis: Well, uh, granted that it wasn’t the original plan, as a young boy I wanted to be a professor of Physical Education at Harvard. But I don’t know! I like it here. What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know. Maybe I was a bad person in another life.
Russell Gettis: We should like go have a drink, sometime, together. Like over winter break.
Elizabeth Halsey: Nah. Got something brewing.
Russell Gettis: Can I say something for the record?
Elizabeth Halsey: Fine.
Russell Gettis: It’s about your, the big fake tities. Are you really going to do that?
Elizabeth Halsey: Uh-huh.
Russell Gettis: Why would you do that? Your tits are fine. I like your tits. Ask my room mate.
[having Christmas dinner at Garrett Tiara’s house]
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, I’m really sorry. I have to eat and run. I got to head over to the shelter, so.
Garrett’s Mom: Aaah!
Philip: The shelter? Ah! That’s so inspiring.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. I really love helping bums.
[referring to his poem]
Garrett Tiara: This is called The Chase, by Garrett Tiara.
[reads his poem out loud]
Garrett Tiara: “X O, X O. My love for you is X O, X O. About her smile, that I would walk a mile for. About her personality, that makes me see the best in me. One glance, one dance. Because together we can achieve bal-ance.” Thank you.
Elizabeth Halsey: So, your poem is about that girl?
Garrett Tiara: Yeah. Chase. If I could just talk to her and tell her how I feel. I know she’d understand.
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, it’s not going to happen buddy. I was that hot girl. Hotter even! And I would have never gone out with you. And I’m not saying that to be mean. I’m saying that to be helpful.
Garrett Tiara: What do you know? You don’t even know our name!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ll tell you what I know. A kid who wears the same gymnastic sweatshirt three days a week, isn’t getting laid until he’s twenty nine. That’s what I know.
Garrett Tiara: Sweatshirt was my dad’s. It’s all he left me, when he left me.
Elizabeth Halsey: There’s a reason he didn’t pack it. Just saying.
Lynn Davies: A bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period Five play. Do you want to come?
Elizabeth Halsey: Period Five?
Lynn Davies: Yeah. The teacher band.
Elizabeth Halsey: I’d rather get shot in the face.
[just after Elizabeth has said no to Lynn to go see band Period Five]
Scott Delacorte: So, are you guys coming to The Palace tonight? My band’s going to do a few songs.
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re in Period Five!
Scott Delacorte: You’re looking at the new rhythm guitarist and back up vocalist. Should be fun.
Elizabeth Halsey: Should be amazing! Lynn, you want to come?
[give Elizabeth a confused look]
Lynn Davies: Yes. Yes.
Elizabeth Halsey: You should go talk to someone, Lynn.
Lynn Davies: Uh, I’m fin here.
Elizabeth Halsey: Come on, Lynn! You need to loosen up and live a little. When was the last time you had a good dicking?
Russell Gettis: A good dicking!
Elizabeth Halsey: Go talk to those guys over there.
[Lynn looks over and sees two guys in cowboy hats]
Lynn Davies: In the cowboy hats?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah.
Lynn Davies: What? Come on!
Elizabeth Halsey: You come on! Now go talk to them.
Lynn Davies: What am I going to talk about?
Elizabeth Halsey: It doesn’t matter. Look, you go and you start with one of them. Then you start talking to the other one. And then you go back to the first one, but still be touching the other one. And then you just choose. Text book!
Russell Gettis: Yeah. From the worlds weirdest text book.
Elizabeth Halsey: What are you doing here anyway?
Russell Gettis: I thought it was poetry slam night. I was going to get drunk and mock them.
Elizabeth Halsey: Sounds fun actually.
Russell Gettis: I’ll let you know next time I go.
Elizabeth Halsey: Not that fun.
Russell Gettis: Okay, just so you know, that shit does not faze me at all! I’m like the fucking terminator, dude. I’m just going to keep coming after you. Just so we’re clear.
Elizabeth Halsey: Good luck with that.
[referring to Scott]
Lynn Davies: Forget him. At least now you can stop worrying about him and be the best teacher you can be. I mean, who knows? Maybe, you’ll win the bonus.
Elizabeth Halsey: What bonus?
Lynn Davies: For the state test. Whichever teacher has highest scoring class gets a bonus. Amy wins every year.
Elizabeth Halsey: How much?
Lynn Davies: Fifty seven hundred dollars.
[Elizabeth slams the car breaks hard making Lynn hit her head on the dashboard]
Lynn Davies: Son of a bitch!
Elizabeth Halsey: Fifty seven hundred?
Lynn Davies: Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: God dammit, Lynn! You never tell me anything!
[to her students]
Elizabeth Halsey: Things are about to change around here! Recess is over!
[stops Spencer from hitting Elizabeth with a basketball]
Russell Gettis: Twilight, look at me? What did we talk about in class? Your weight should be evenly distributed. You have to throw off the back foot. Don’t throw at her. Throw through her!
[the other kids cheer him to throw the ball to hit Elizabeth and he does]
[to Lynn and Russell in the teachers break room talking about their weekend]
Amy Squirrel: And we discovered this new Ethiopian restaurant
Scott Delacorte: They finally got their own cuisine. Progress.
[in the teachers break room]
Scott Delacorte: I just love people who are so passionate about what they do. It’s so inspirational.
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks. Yeah, you know, some teachers just sail by doing that bare minimum thing. I don’t know, it’s just not me!
Scott Delacorte: It’s good to know there’s still some actual educators out there.
Principal Wally Snur: Amy, do you see this beautiful little glass dolphins figurine?
Amy Squirrel: Mmm.
[Amy’s sitting with her back to Snur]
Principal Wally Snur: Look at it.
Amy Squirrel: Yep.
Principal Wally Snur: Look at it!
[she turns]
Amy Squirrel: I’m looking at it!
Principal Wally Snur: Elizabeth gave this to me. She is a thoughtful young woman and she is teaching for all the right reasons.
Amy Squirrel: Wally! Can’t you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?
Principal Wally Snur: No. What I see is that you are getting worked up. And what I would hate to see, is for you to get overwhelmed. Like you did in 2008.
[to her class after marking their quiz]
Elizabeth Halsey: Pathetic! This is why the Japs are taking us. And believe me, I don’t mean you!
[points to Japanese looking student]
Sasha Abernathy: But we’re working really hard.
[she throws all their quiz papers into the air]
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re not working hard enough! I need results!
[addressing the school staff]
Amy Squirrel: If anyone has any information regarding the missing Annie wig, please let me ASAP.
Russell Gettis: Come on, guys! There’s a wig missing.
Amy Squirrel: Because, if that wig isn’t found, you can bet your bottom dollar the sun will not come out tomorrow.
[after Elizabeth has won the bonus for having the highest scoring class]
Amy Squirrel: Elizabeth, I am so proud of you. I mean, if someone told me at the beginning of the year that you would get the bonus, well I would have said to whomever it was, ‘no way! Absolutely not!’ And now, here we are.
Scott Delacorte: We should go out and celebrate.
[pointing to Elizabeth]
Scott Delacorte: You’re treat.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah. Unfortunately Elizabeth, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for the Springfield trip.
Scott Delacorte: Oh!
Amy Squirrel: Yeah! We’re the chaperones. We’re going together. We’re dating, so. It’ll also be romantic.
Elizabeth Halsey: How fun.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah. You’re not seeing anyone now, right?
Scott Delacorte: So, are you excited about your surgery?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ve never been more excited about anything.
Scott Delacorte: It’s a pretty inspiring message to the kids. We should never stop working on ourselves. Like you with your little boobs. Or me experimenting with ethnic food.
[after finding out Elizabeth had stolen the Annie wig and also stolen the scores for her class]
Amy Squirrel: This time I have a witness and like I said, Wally, she stole the Annie wig. We’re dealing with a criminal mastermind. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wall. You know how much we all loved her.
Principal Wally Snur: Okay. Well, you know, I have to call the superintendent. We’re going to have to cross-check her entire classes scores. This is a real shit sandwich!
Amy Squirrel: Of course, you know what scares me the most, Wall? This is just what we know, right? Who knows what else she’s capable of!
[smiles to herself and then becomes serious]
Amy Squirrel: So awful!
Scott Delacorte: You know, when President Lincoln abolished slavery, it was not a popular opinion
Elizabeth Halsey: Mmm.
Scott Delacorte: I just hate slavery so, so much!
Elizabeth Halsey: Slavery’s the worst.
Scott Delacorte: If I could go back in time and undo slavery, I would. I hate it!
Russell Gettis: I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Can I tell you guys what I hate?
Scott Delacorte: Mmm.
Russell Gettis: Sharks.
Scott Delacorte: Mmm. Well, sharks can tare families apart.
Russell Gettis: But they’re also so majestic.
Scott Delacorte: They are beautiful creatures.
Russell Gettis: But they’re also so ferocious!
Scott Delacorte: So ferocious! One of nature’s cruel jokes, I guess.
Scott Delacorte: God, we are so simpatico.
Elizabeth Halsey: Maybe next time, we can dry hump without our clothes on.
Scott Delacorte: I’m pretty sure I’d like that.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah.
[Scott leans close to her as if to kiss her lips but instead kisses her forehead]
Scott Delacorte: Even your forehead is sexy.
[after admitting to Chase the he loves her and getting rejected by her]
Garrett Tiara: She’s never going to like me, is she?
Elizabeth Halsey: Are we still on this?
Garrett Tiara: She’s my everything!
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, here’s the deal, man. I cannot keep sugar coating this for you. This girl, is never going to be interested in you. Never! You clearly have a rich interior life, with the poems and the whatever. But, she wants a guy like Ian what’s his face! Ian Mental-bomb, the rapper?
[Elizabeth nods her head]
Garrett Tiara: He’s an idiot!
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, he’s a fucking mo-ron! But she doesn’t care. She’s superficial and her priorities are all fucked up! She likes him because he’s hot and popular dude. You are sensitive.
Garrett Tiara: Yes! Thank you!
Elizabeth Halsey: That’s not a compliment.
Elizabeth Halsey: You have some rough road ahead of you. Seventh grade is not your moment.
Garrett Tiara: Yeah. Eight grade will be better.
Elizabeth Halsey: Probably not. I’m thinking college. That’s your window. Be ready.
Garrett Tiara: If I go back out there, everyone’s going to laugh at me.
Elizabeth Halsey: Maybe this’ll help.
Garrett Tiara: What are you doing?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m giving you a gift.
[she slips her bra off from her under her jumper]
Garrett Tiara: Wow!
Elizabeth Halsey: We are going to change the news cycle. Trust me on this.
[taking her bra]
Garrett Tiara: Thought it would be heavier.
Elizabeth Halsey: Don’t be weird. And take this off!
[slaps his hat off]
Elizabeth Halsey: Remember, fucking weird again! What are you, crazy?
Russell Gettis: It’s a nice thing you did.
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know what you’re taking about.
Russell Gettis: Really? Cause I couldn’t help but notice that you’re not wearing a bra. And those, uh, those kids over there are playing with one.
Elizabeth Halsey: Lots of people don’t wear bras.
Russell Gettis: Definitely. Lots of teachers.
Elizabeth Halsey: Well, if you must know, I was helping a student through a rough time.
Russell Gettis: I’m going through such a tough time. Can I have your panties?
Elizabeth Halsey: I’m not wearing any.
[confronting Elizabeth]
Amy Squirrel: I know! Ev-ery-thing! Carl Halabi! The state test. The blatant disregard for the school syllabus. And let’s not forget the sleeping with my boyfriend.
[turns to Scott]
Amy Squirrel: Scott, your phone accidently called me last night. I can’t believe you’d let her take advantage of you like that. You are too trusting.
Scott Delacorte: I am. I didn’t know what was happening!
Amy Squirrel: I hope you haven’t spent that bonus check or anything. Because you’re about to give it back, and then some. Jail time! Jail time!
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you ever think that maybe…
Amy Squirrel: Save it, doll face! You can explain it all tomorrow, to the principal and the superintendent. When you got your meeting with the principal and the superintendent tomorrow. At the meeting! Tomorrow!
Carl Halabi: I guess I should begin by saying that my statement from earlier in the week was not true.
School Superintendent: What part of it, exactly?
Carl Halabi: All of it, pretty much.
[pointing to Elizabeth sat next to him]
Carl Halabi: I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.
Amy Squirrel: Belloni!
School Superintendent: You seemed very certain a couple of days ago.
Carl Halabi: I did. Because…
[Elizabeth clears her throat loudly to warn him]
Carl Halabi: Um, I’m a casual drug user. That’s my thing. And everybody knows it. So that explains me making absolutely no sense. Thank you.
[he gets up to leave]
Elizabeth Halsey: A re-test on? Come on! Do we really want to tell our young people, that if they study, sacrifice and achieve the highest scores in the state, that they’re rewarded with suspicion? I don’t! I find these kinds of accusations troubling. And quite frankly, reckless. I worked my ass off for this school and I know I am not perfect. But show me the perfect teacher? You can’t. There are even teachers in this very school, who use drugs.
Amy Squirrel: They do! They do use drugs!
Elizabeth Halsey: They do!
Amy Squirrel: They do!
Elizabeth Halsey: They do!
Amy Squirrel: Wally, do you remember how I told you there are teachers here who use and abuse drugs?
School Superintendent: God dammit! And I’m hearing about this now?
[giving her goodbye speech at the school staff]
Amy Squirrel: Wally, thank you for those kind words. And thank you all. My decision, that I made myself, to leave, was super difficult. But when the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools in the state, well, you say yes! And boy I am looking forward bringing my brand of zany energy to those under privileged students, at Malcolm X High School. Thank you!
Elizabeth Halsey: Here, sign my year book.
Russell Gettis: Hold my ball sack.
[hands her his bag of soccer balls]
Russell Gettis: Hey, uh, you’re going to teach again next year, are you?
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know. It’s the only thing I’m good at.
Russell Gettis: I’m just saying, maybe you should consider doing something else. Like anything else. Like any other job in the entire world.
Elizabeth Halsey: You know, the two of us, it’s never going to happen.
Russell Gettis: Clearly.
Elizabeth Halsey: I mean, how would that even work? Where do you even live? You know, some weird apartment with some creepy roommate?
Russell Gettis: No, my creepy roommate moved out. So now it’s just, it’s just me and the dogs.
Elizabeth Halsey: How many dogs do you have?
Russell Gettis: Four.
Elizabeth Halsey: Four dogs?
Russell Gettis: Yeah. Four Dobermans.
Elizabeth Halsey: Any family money?
Russell Gettis: Yeah. You bet. We’re talking like three figures. Almost seven hundred bucks.
Elizabeth Halsey: So basically, if I was going to go out with you, I would be making the conscious choice to be dating a gym teacher, who lives in a shop with four dogs?
Russell Gettis: I prefer to think of it as two people, with amazing bodies, sharing those bodies with each other. Giving each other the gift of these bodies.
Russell Gettis: Anyway, actually none of this really matters. Um, I’ve sort of started seeing somebody.
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh! Really? That’s, congratulations. I didn’t, I didn’t realize that, so.
Russell Gettis: Yeah.
Elizabeth Halsey: I feel stupid.
Russell Gettis: Yeah. I’m just fucking with you.
Elizabeth Halsey: Guess I deserve that one.
Russell Gettis: Yeah, you most certainly did. I think it’s about time you realize that the whole world…
[she suddenly kisses]
[back to school from summer break]
Lynn Davies: You didn’t get your tits?
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. I thought about it and you know, I realized I don’t even need them. Plus, they’re really expensive, you know, per tit.
Lynn Davies: Yeah, and you got to get two of them.
Elizabeth Halsey: Hmm. And I met a guy.
[just then Russell walks past them in the hallway]
Lynn Davies: Oh, tell me everything. Did you find your prince charming?
[she turns to look at Russell and he sticks his tongue out in a crude sexual gesture]
Elizabeth Halsey: Something like that.
Total Quotes: 75
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