Starring: Cameron Diaz, Lucy Punch, Jason Segel, Justin Timberlake, Phyllis Smith, John Michael Higgins, Dave Allen, Jillian Armenante, Matthew J. Evans, Kaitlyn Dever, Kathryn Newton, Igal Ben Yair, Aja Bair, Andra Nechita, Noah Munck, Finneas O’Connell, Daniel Castro, Adrian Kali Turner, Eric Stonestreet, Thomas Lennon
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Comedy directed by Jake Kasdan. Bad Teacher (2011) centers on teacher Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) who can’t wait to marry a rich man and quit her job, but she has to rethink her plans when her fiancé dumps her. Then Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), a rich substitute teacher arrives and Elizabeth sets her plan in motion to win him over, but she faces stiff competition from Amy (Lucy Punch), a popular and perky colleague. Elizabeth also finds herself fighting off the advances of a sarcastic, irreverent gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel). The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, her coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
Our Favorite Quotes:
Principal Wally Snur: [at the faculty members celebration] Elizabeth, even though you were only with us for one short year, please know that we will always consider you part of the Jams family. And we got you a little something. Tada!
Elizabeth Halsey: [Snur gives her a small gift card] Oh! Thank you. Wow! Almost forty dollars. Thank you.
Principal Wally Snur: You’re very welcome.
Elizabeth Halsey: I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better. But between four classes, and planing a wedding, my plate was full. Still, I know out students are in good hands. And even though I’ll never teach again professionally, I’ve realized that I don’t need a blackboard, or a classroom to set an example.
Elizabeth Halsey: [to Mark] Get yourself hard, because I’m going to suck your d**k like I’m mad at it.
Elizabeth Halsey: [as she walks into the living room] Look! You’re mom’s here! What a fun surprise.
Mrs. Pubich: Do you truly love my son?
Elizabeth Halsey: I love him so much, it hurts!
Mrs. Pubich: Alright then. When is his birthday?
Elizabeth Halsey: You know, that is just offensive that you would even ask me that!
Mrs. Pubich: It’s today.
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine! I’ll sign the prenup.
Mark: It’s over, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Halsey: Mark, I’m pregnant!
Mark: No, you’re not.
Mrs. Pubich: Bulls**t!
Elizabeth Halsey: Okay, fine. I’m not actually pregnant.
Mark: You know what? I’m starting to wander whether this has always been about the money. You never loved me!
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t love you? I have been listening to you whine about opera for the last year!
Mark: Okay, if the younger generation doesn’t get into opera, then guess what? No more opera! An art form has died! If opera goes away, we’re f***ed! I want my ring back.
Elizabeth Halsey: [referring to Mark] I found him in bed with somebody else.
Amy Squirrel: Oh, my gosh!
Elizabeth Halsey: It was another man.
Amy Squirrel: Shut the front door!
Elizabeth Halsey: I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.
Amy Squirrel: Well, I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them. That’s just something I say sometimes.
Elizabeth Halsey: Stupid.
Elizabeth Halsey: You know, Lynn, when I first started teaching I thought that I was doing it for all the right reasons. Shorter hours. Summers off. No accountability.
Lynn Davies: Oh, I love my summers. Fresh corn. Mmm.
Elizabeth Halsey: From now on, my full-time job is finding a guy who’s going to take care of me.
Lynn Davies: God, I pray for that.
'You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types.' - Elizabeth Halsey (Bad Teacher) Click To Tweet
Elizabeth Halsey: [to Lynn] You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun. I got some cool souvenirs. But those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean, they all wear condoms. Then they take the condoms with them! That’s how paranoid they are! Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom!
Elizabeth Halsey: I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m like an eight. Eight and a half. But if I got a new pair of tits, right?
Lynn Davies: You don’t want to do that. You’re already so pretty.
Elizabeth Halsey: You have no idea how difficult it is to compete against these Barbie doll types.
Lynn Davies: Yeah, that’s true. We’re not getting any younger.
Elizabeth Halsey: [to her students on her first day back at school] Anyone seen Stand and Deliver? Show of hands. You kidding me? Edward James Olmos? Lou Diamond Phillips? Wow! Alright.
Elizabeth Halsey: [points to two students] You! And you. Grab a TV and roll it up front.
Sasha Abernathy: We’re watching a movie on the first day?
Russell Gettis: So, I heard about the whole engagement thing. That blows.
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you know I walked in on him trying to f*** his dog? Peanut butter everywhere.
Amy Squirrel: Listen, I don’t want to tell you how to run your class. But maybe it might be fun to try some ice breakers. Like telephone charades, or the string game.
Elizabeth Halsey: Are we going to have a problem, me and you?
Amy Squirrel: Go, no! Eliz, if I gave you that impression, well I’m so sorry! Because, actually, I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates.
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know what you heard, but I don’t eat muff pie.
Amy Squirrel: No, of course not. I don’t even know what that is. I just meant friends.
Elizabeth Halsey: Tell you what friend? I got to get going. Cover me.
'Look, you don't have to decide right now. You know, who knows? One day you wake up, you decide you want to be a masseuse. Salary plus tips. Think about it.' - Elizabeth Halsey (Bad Teacher) Click To Tweet
Scott Delacorte: I’m the new sub.
Elizabeth Halsey: Welcome! Welcome! Is that a Jaeger LeCoultre?
Scott Delacorte: Good eye!
Elizabeth Halsey: Thanks. I love men’s watches. It’s kind of a hobby.
Scott Delacorte: Well, sometimes I get self-conscious about it. But my grandfather made it, so.
Elizabeth Halsey: Oh, your grandfather designs watches?
Scott Delacorte: The family business, yeah. My mother’s maiden name is LeCoultre.
Elizabeth Halsey: Shut up!
Elizabeth Halsey: So did you and your wife just move to town?
Scott Delacorte: I’m not married. I actually just got out of a relationship. Catherine. Yeah, it’s been a year. She’s still the wallpaper on my phone.
Scott Delacorte: [shows her the photo of Catherine wearing a bikini] She had such a big heart.
Elizabeth Halsey: Looks like enormous.
Angela: [calculating breast enlargement operation costs] The double is ninety-three hundred for the surgery, plus one nights stay at our facility. How would you like to pay?
Elizabeth Halsey: That’s absurd! I’m a teacher, not a dealer!
Principal Wally Snur: Did I hear that right? That you were showing movies all last week?
Elizabeth Halsey: Some clips, maybe. But, you know, in a lot of ways, I think that movies are the new books.
Principal Wally Snur: Uh-huh.
Elizabeth Halsey: We should go get a drink tonight. I feel like getting drunk. I mean not drunk drunk! Strong buzz. Still be able to drive.
Scott Delacorte: I’m sorry. I can’t yet, I’m just not ready. But, if you’re patient, I think I might be worth your while.
Elizabeth Halsey: You’re worth the wait.
Scott Delacorte: I think so too.
Amy Squirrel: Now, I don’t want to speak out of school, but from where I was sitting I think, it seemed like Miss Halsey was getting pretty chummy with the money.
Principal Wally Snur: Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the seventh grade car wash?
Amy Squirrel: Wally, we barely know anything about her!
Principal Wally Snur: Hey, you know what? They raised almost seven thousand dollars. So whatever she did, worked. Viet Huynh’s dad called. He said the car wash was a raging success. And Lauren Rissman’s dad called, he said we should have a car wash every weekend! So instead of accusing her, you might want to ask her for some pointers.
Amy Squirrel: Well, if those pointers include wearing provocative beach wear, for money? I think I’ll pass.
Lynn Davies: [referring to Scott] I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.
Elizabeth Halsey: I want to sit on his face.
Amy Squirrel: [after telling Scott about Elizabeth wanting to boob job] Sorry. Sorry. I thought you were telling everyone.
Elizabeth Halsey: Did you?
Scott Delacorte: Well, I’m pro choice. I believe every one should choose whatever makes them happiest. Accept abortion, of course.
Elizabeth Halsey: Of course!
Amy Squirrel: Obviously!
'What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?' - Russell 'I don't know. Maybe I was a bad person in another life.' - Elizabeth Halsey (Bad Teacher) Click To Tweet
Scott Delacorte: Looks like algebra is calling. I hate math. Wish me luck.
Amy Squirrel: [in thick foreign accent] Hi. I’m a math terrorist with close ties to Aljaybra. I have weapons of math instruction.
Amy Squirrel: Hi! I got you something.
Scott Delacorte: What? You didn’t have to do that!
Amy Squirrel: It’s nothing. It’s, well, my favorite book.
Scott Delacorte: [looks at the book] Eat, Pray, Love.
Amy Squirrel: Yeah
Scott Delacorte: This is my favorite book too.
Amy Squirrel: What’s your favorite part?
Scott Delacorte: Love.
Elizabeth Halsey: [Sasha catches her smoking marijuana in her car] What do you want?
Sasha Abernathy: Is that marijuana?
Elizabeth Halsey: No. It’s medicinal marijuana. I have a prescription and everything. But I’m not going to tell you why, because it’s between me and my doctor.
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, word to the wise. Stop dressing like you’re running for Congress.
Sasha Abernathy: I don’t want to run for Congress. I want to be president.
Elizabeth Halsey: See, that’s what I’m talking about. Keep saying s**t like that, you’re going to get punched. Do you really want to be president, or is that something your parents want? Look, you don’t have to decide right now. You know, who knows? One day you wake up, you decide you want to be a masseuse. Salary plus tips. Think about it.
Sasha Abernathy: If I think about it, will I get extra credit?
Elizabeth Halsey: Hopeless!
Scott Delacorte: [referring to 867-5309/Jenny by Tommy Tutone] They don’t make songs like this anymore, right?
Russell Gettis: You know, that’s actually not true Scott. I’m writing a song right now called, 855-824-1777, extension 777.
Scott Delacorte: I don’t know how to say this. I’m kind of nervous. This all just happening so quickly.
Elizabeth Halsey: You can tell me anything, Scott. You’re one of my best friends.
Scott Delacorte: I’m crushing on someone.
Elizabeth Halsey: I think you’re pretty great too.
Scott Delacorte: Thanks. It’s Amy.
Scott Delacorte: [referring to Amy] She’s been amazing, helping me deal with my break-up.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, I don’t know her that well. I know all the other teacher really hate her f***ing guts, but I stay above all that stuff. Can I be honest with you?
Scott Delacorte: Of course.
Elizabeth Halsey: It’s nothing personal, but I don’t think that you’re Amy’s type.
'I'll tell you what I know. A kid who wears the same gymnastic sweatshirt three days a week, isn't getting laid until he's twenty-nine. That's what I know.' - Elizabeth Halsey (Bad Teacher) Click To Tweet
Elizabeth Halsey: [referring to Amy] Trust me. She’s only using you for your money.
Scott Delacorte: What? Well, I feel stupid.
Elizabeth Halsey: No! Scott. Scott. Look at me? I’m going to get my breasts enlarged in a couple of months, and when I recover from my surgery, you and I are going to go out, and we are going to find awesome people for each other.
Scott Delacorte: That sounds nice.
Russell Gettis: You’re out of your mind. There is no way that LeBron will ever be Jordan. Nobody will ever be Jordan, okay?
Shawn: Okay, LeBron’s a better rebounder and passer. Will you let me finish? Can you let me finish?
Russell Gettis: Call me when LeBron has six championships.
Shawn: Is that your only argument?
Russell Gettis: It’s the only argument I need, Shawn.
Elizabeth Halsey: [as Russell is unable to haul himself up the gym rope] You have no upper body strength.
Russell Gettis: Yes, I do. Just not in my arms or my chest. But I have cat-like reflexes. Makes up for it.
Elizabeth Halsey: What has to go wrong in someone’s life for them to end up being a middle school gym teacher?
Russell Gettis: Well, granted, that it wasn’t the original plan. As a young boy, I wanted to be a professor of Physical Education at Harvard. But I don’t know. I like it here. What went so wrong in your life that you ended up educating children?
Elizabeth Halsey: I don’t know. Maybe I was a bad person in another life.
Russell Gettis: Can I say something for the record?
Elizabeth Halsey: Fine.
Russell Gettis: It’s about your, the big fake tities. Are you really going to do that?
Elizabeth Halsey: Uh-huh.
Russell Gettis: Why would you do that? Your tits are fine. I like your tits. Ask my room mate.
Elizabeth Halsey: Listen, I’m really sorry. I have to eat and run. I got to head over to the shelter, so.
Garrett’s Mom: Aw!
Philip: The shelter? That’s so inspiring.
Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. I really love helping bums.
'We should never stop working on ourselves. Like you with your little boobs. Or me experimenting with ethnic food.' - Scott Delacorte (Bad Teacher) Click To Tweet
Garrett Tiara: [referring to his poem] This is called The Chase, by Garrett Tiara. “X-O, X-O. My love for you is X-O, X-O. About her smile, that I would walk a mile for. About her personality, that makes me see the best in me. One glance, one dance. Because together we can achieve balance.” Thank you.