Starring: Kristen Wiig, Annie Mumolo, Jamie Dornan, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Damon Wayans Jr., Michael Hitchcock, Kwame Patterson, Reyn Doi, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Mark Jonathan Davis, Tom Lenk, Hank Rogerson
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Comedy directed by Josh Greenbaum, and written by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo. The story follows best friends Barb and Star (Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig), who embark on the adventure of a lifetime when they decide to leave their small Midwestern town for the first time ever to go on vacation in Vista Del Mar, Florida, where they soon find themselves tangled up in a villain’s evil plot to kill everyone in town.
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Sharon Gordon Fisherman: Well, I’m going to make myself a “suicide”. Just a little bit of root beer, traditional cola, just a touch of lemon-lime spritz, orange up, and my secret ingredient, just a dash of lemon-infused iced tea. I like the extra bite.
Barb: Whenever I watch those movies, where they’re in the 1800s. I can’t stop thinking, did everybody just… Gosh, I don’t want to be rude. Star: Stink? Barb: Yes. Star: Yes, I know. I think about it all the time. Barb: They didn’t have deodorant! Star: No. Barb: They didn’t have toilets. They didn’t brush their teeth! Star: Everyone had yellow teeth. Barb: Yeah. Yellow teeth was just the regular color.
Star: I had a dream that I made love with that man on the Pringles can. Barb: What flavor of Pringles was it? Star: Plain. I like everything plain. Just plain. Barb: Plain Pringles are the best.
Star: God, it’s so funny to think all the raccoons in the world are sleeping right now. Barb: What? Star: Listen, I don’t really know more than what I’ve already said. And some of what I said I’m not even sure I actually know.
Star: This is our couch. Barb: We’ve told each other so many things on this couch. Remember when you told me you were afraid you were addicted to caramel? That was right here on this couch! Star: Caramel squares. God, I’m glad that’s over.
Star: The reason why we’re acting a little funny about this couch is because, well, we love it. It’s the truth. Barb: We sit on it every day. It’s our talking couch, you know? Sofa Customer: So you’re telling us not to buy the couch because you want to sit on it? At work? Barb: That’s it. You get it. Yes.
Convertibles Bossman: Wait, Star, are you even supposed to be working today? Star: Oh, I always come in when Barb works. She does the same. Don’t worry, you’re not paying us double. Barb: Wait. I thought you were working today. Star: No! I thought you were the one working.
Convertibles Bossman: But the good news is that the company is giving you severance. Star: No. Severance? We don’t want to be severanced. Barb: No! Please! This job is our lives! It’s our purpose. Where are we going to host Thanksgiving? Convertibles Bossman: Well, you can… Wait, you come in here when the store is closed and host your Thanksgiving dinners? Star, Barb: No.
Barb: We’ll find another job. This small town’s full of places looking to hire women in their forties. Star: Yeah. That’s the attitude! Barb: We’ll find something even better. I mean, we both have high school degrees. Star: Well, you do. Barb: Well, I don’t. I thought you did. Star: Well, I don’t.
Mickey Revelet: [to Barb and Star] It’s this tiny little oasis on the coast of Florida. It’s people like us. Mid-lifers who still like to strut past the pool and stop the party dead in its tracks with a tube top and full jewelry. I’m not kidding. I feel like I got a soul-douche.
Mickey Revelet: And not that I was looking, but there are so many gorgeous men there. We’re talking Tommy Bahama from head to toe. Barb, Star: Tommy Bahama. Mickey Revelet: Put that with a twenty-four hour CVS, and you got yourself a party.
Debbie: Before we begin, I just want to thank Barb and Star for hosting tonight’s Talking Club, and for making their famous, usual hot dog soup. Again. Star: You’re welcome. Barb: It’s a simple recipe.
Debbie: Well, I love my job at the pharmacy. I get to play with the pills, and sometimes I shake them along to the music.
Bev: Barb and Star? What about you guys? I mean, you guys work at the hottest place in town! Barb: Maybe socks would be a good topic. Star: Oh, yes. I love the socks without ankle. Debbie: Barb, Star, the topic is jobs. Tell us about your jobs.
Star: Sorry. The store closed! And the story we just told you about the delivery, and the men coming, and the trucks, and the nightstands, and the fabric samples, and the couches, and the tall guy, and the shorter guy that wasn’t as tall? That was a lie! Debbie: We all know there are only three major rules in Talking Club. Rule number one, no sneakers. Rule number two, no swearing, except for the F word. Rule number three, no lying. You two are banned from the club.
Debbie: Ladies, grab your purses, and pocket books. Barb: No, Debbie, please. Star: Isn’t there like a three-strike rule, or something? Barb: Please, we won’t do it again. This is all we have left! Can we just have one more chance?
Star: Sometimes I daydream. About life outside of this place. Maybe something is telling us to do something different. Barb: Oh, my gosh. Yes. Star: Yes? Oh! Barb: Should we try those socks with individual toes? Star: Yeah. Barb: What do they feel like? I’ve always wondered. I wonder how my toes will react. They’ve always been together. I think they’ll like it.
Star: [referring to the brochure] Look at these two people. Look how happy they are. Imagine that’s you and me riding on that banana boat. Just bouncing around, with our arms and legs spread wide open, with water and air going all inside of us. Barb: This is dangerous. Things happen to people on trips. What if we get lost, or poisoned, or we get a rash? What if they put us in jail because they think we put drugs in our butts? What if we fall out of a car? Have you heard of traveler’s diarrhea, Star? Your stomach doesn’t care where you are, it just releases.
Star: We used to have fun. Remember that one time we went on a haunted hay ride? Barb: And we got chased by that man with a Jack-o’-lantern head and a chainsaw. Star: And then we heard later he wasn’t an actor. He just escaped from the local prison. Barb: He was a real killer. Star: Killer. He was trying to kill us.
Star: I mean, look all of our stories. They’re from the past. We don’t have any stories from now. I feel like we’re fading away. Barb: I don’t want to fade away.
Barb: Let’s do it. Star: What? Barb: I can’t believe I’m saying this. Let’s throw caution to the wind like a couple of rock and rollers!
Star: Barb. Barb: Star. Star, Barb: Let’s go to Vista Del Mar.
Barb: Well, I was not prepared for that take off. Star: Me neither. Ma’am, I apologize for screaming at the top of my lungs.
Barb: To me, a woman named Trish is a woman you can count on. Star: Really has her act together. Athletic, natural. Barb: Just real natural. And loves the holidays.
Barb: Trish loses one of her ears in a twister, but not her hearing. Star: She’s a storm chaser. Barb: Her mom doesn’t want her to be. Star: Well, their relationship is tough. Trish has always wanted to be a portrait photographer. She loves people. She would always say, “A person’s face says a lot about how they look.”
Star: [sitting by the empty pool at their motel] Gosh. This is peaceful. Barb: I like how the stains everywhere look like designs.
Star: Men find me disgusting, and I’m okay with it. Barb: Star, if I said it once, I said it a million times. You could model for effing Chico’s, and I’m not just saying that. Star: Chico’s? Come on. I wish. Barb: Or Costco. I’m talking the Kirkland brand. Star: Kirkland? Oh, my God.
Barb: Every time I think of frog legs I think of Kermit riding his bicycle, and how much he used his legs. He really needed them. Star: He did. Oh, I feel bad now.
Gary the Concierge: It’s not really a cancellation. The family that was in the room is missing. Star: Oh! Gary the Concierge: It’s probably the husband. It’s always the husband. He reported them missing, and the next thing you know, they’re stuffed up in a chimney. Anyway, the room is yours, if you’d like it. Barb, Star: Yes! Yes! Yes! Gary the Concierge: Ooh, your voices are really high.
Edgar: Do you miss me? Sharon Gordon Fisherman: Oh, well, you’re usually here. And now you’re not. And I know you’re gone. And when you return, you’ll be back. Is that what you mean? Edgar: Never mind.
Sharon Gordon Fisherman: I really must run. Yoyo and I have been playing hide and seek, and I haven’t seen him since last night.
Star: Traveling really stops you up. I mean, my stomach it’s like just a bunch of rolled up sacks in there. All in line trying to get out, it’s like a traffic jam.
Star: Sometimes life’s umbrella has holes in it, and the water just pours all over your shoulders, and your hair. Edgar: Alright. Star: But don’t worry, because the rain will end. But you should also get a replacement umbrella for the next time.
Barb: [after waking up together with Edgar] Did we all…? Star: Yes. A lot of times.
Star: That’s where I got my new phone case. Barb: I love it! Star: It’s like I’m listening to the ocean. Barb: I love it. Wait. We don’t have cell phones. Star: Oh, no. I’m going to take it home and glue it to our land line.
Star: Dearest Edgar, I hope you remember me. I’m the disgusting woman from last night. Oh, gosh. Barb says I shouldn’t describe myself that way. You should know that I’ve been hurt in the past. I’m a broken woman. I haven’t written my feelings down in so long. But, gosh, you lit a fire in me, and I am raging with passion right now. Okay. Where do I begin? I was born in a hospital.
Barb: My husband’s name was Ron Quicksilver. He was a rodeo star. He was so manly, there were rumors he was chemically off. He was the love of my life. All I’m grateful for is he died a quick death. He was trampled. Edgar: Oh, no. By a bull? Barb: No. It was a bunch of shoppers at the Stereo Hut on Black Friday. They had fifty inch flat screens for one-ninety-nine. I did get one.
Barb: And I think maybe when Ron died, I stopped living too. I mean, I didn’t really stop living. I’m not dead. I’m not a ghost. But after that wild night with you, something shifted in me, you know? Something’s changing. I want to look at life for the first time again like a baby. Gosh, I want to be a baby again. I was so flexible then.
Barb: Star went as a baby for Halloween once. She wore a diaper. Only a diaper. She won best costume.
Barb: Edgar, I’m sorry. This can’t happen. We weren’t mean to be. You’ve set me free, and that’s all this was. Thank you, Edgar. Thank you! Edgar: You’re welcome? Barb: Everything is possible!
Star: [to Edgar] I just wanted to come over and talked to you inside where your sheets are.
Star: His name is Carmine Testaviglio. I should’ve known he was having an affair with Dina. I didn’t stand a chance. Carmine had a foot fetish, and Dina has huge toes. My toes stopped growing after I was three months old. They’re like little pieces of rice. I’m not kidding. Oh, God. Don’t look. Edgar: I wasn’t.
Star: [to Edgar] Now, when someone leaves you, you just think, “So there must be something wrong with me.” So I just figured I’m disgusting. But that night with you was the first time since Carmine I felt non-disgusting. I mean, you saw my folds, and holes, and you didn’t run away. Now, I’m just starting to realize that maybe having meaningless flings is the way to go. No one gets hurt. No strings attached. It’s just you shouldn’t have to try to make someone love you. That’s all.
Star: I once heard this story about a woman who married a doctor. Turns out, he was Bruce Springsteen. I guess he just wanted to be a regular person for a little while or something.
Sharon Gordon Fisherman: I was born here in Taylorsville. I was also born with a skin condition the doctors called pigmentatia-degenera-hysterica-whiteskinika.
Sharon Gordon Fisherman: I finally made one friend. Her name was Maria Margolis. She would stay inside with me. We would read, create inventions, cook food from her culture. Then one day as we were walking to her casa, through the Vista Del Mar swamps, an alligator jumped out of the water and ate Maria, right in front of me. Really gobbled her up. She was my last friend.
Sharon Gordon Fisherman: As I rocketed through the air, the force of the wind ripped off all of my clothes. And I landed in the water, of a pool, of a Disney Cruise Ship. And there I was, a laughing stock. Bobbing in the water like a ball of fresh mozzarella.
Darlie Bunkle: When you see me next, I’ll be wearing a large purple Zorro-style fedora, and the rest I don’t know yet. But I love colors, all of them. Edgar: Alright. I mean, you’re the expert. Okay.
Barb: [referring to the artist painting them] I hope she gives me bigger teeth. I love big teeth. Star: She loves big teeth. Caricature Artist: Good to know. Barb: I just like how everything is accentuated in the caricatures. So feel free to make my teeth as big as you want. Like just real big. Like, even if it’s just two eyes on a bunch of teeth.
Tommy Bahama: Here. Take my calloused hand. Barb: Oh. That’s very calloused. Wow! Feels like barnacles.
Barb: It’s a long story. I’m on vacation, and my friend is sick, and I’ve been pretending that I’m doing nothing, but I’ve been doing everything. Anyway, I feel bad. But I have to admit, I also have never felt more alive. Am I a bad friend? Tommy Bahama: You could only be a friend if you’re a friend to yourself first. That is where you find your truth.
Tommy Bahama: I must leave now to finish my swamp walk. Remember, your shimmer is on the horizon. Barb: My shimmer? How did you know that? Tommy Bahama: It’s what I do. Barb: Wait. Sir, I’m sorry, what was your name. Tommy Bahama: The name is Tommy. Tommy Bahama. Barb: [gasps] What the fu…?
Star: [to Edgar] You’ve been pleasuring me a lot lately. In that last position, your dong went really deep. I think your dong went all the way up and touched my heart.
Star: What about Barb? I’m in a big pickle, little crab. What am I going to do? Morgan Freemond: Go with your heart. Love is rare. True friends forgive. Star: Oh. Well, that makes me feel better. Morgan Freemond: To a point. Well, it depends what you do, and how long your lie lasts. Now, if you really F her over, she is not going to talk to you again.
Morgan Freemond: The name’s Morgan. Morgan Freemond, with a D. Star: Okay. Well, maybe I’ll see you around. Morgan Freemond: You won’t. I am going into the ocean tonight, and I shall never return. Oh, I have lived a full life. Bathed in the sun. Slept in the sand. I was in jail. Even drove an old lady around, and taught her about tolerance, and true friendship. But that kid is long gone. This old crab is all that’s left. Goodbye, me.
Activities Guy Jeff: [referring to the banana boat ride] You’re in for a real tit flapper. George the Bartender: Jeff, really? Activities Guy Jeff: It’s what it does. Your skin jiggles, your tits start flapping. Anyway, after you. Barb: Oh, okay.
Barb: No, Star! He lied to you! He’s a killer! Star: A killer? But, Barb, what you’re saying is ridiculous. Barb: There’s nothing ridiculous about what I’m saying. Edgar put a receiver in the middle of the Seafood Jam that’ll trigger deadly mosquitos, that are going to fly into the crowd and sting everybody with their killer tails!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? Barb: Uh, never mind. I thought I saw a burglar. But it was a turtle.
Star: Edgar, you lied to me! Edgar: You should talk. I know all about the HPV. Star: Okay. Look, I was going to tell you about that. A lot of people have it. I mean, you probably have it. Edgar: What? Stop trying to confuse me.
Barb: You’re not who you say you are. Edgar: You’re not who you say you are! Barb: We are who we are. We’re Barb and Star. Unlike you, Edgar, you big effing liar.
Star: God, I knew this wasn’t real. And no one could ever love me again. God, I’m in so much grief right now.
Star: At least tell us why? Why you would ever be involved with such an awful thing? Edgar: Fine. I’ll tell you. Barb: Oh, he pulled up a chair. Star: It’s going to be a long story.
Edgar: We had no money. I did odd jobs. I built lawnmowers for Honda. I even tried to sell my poop to farmers saying that it was fertilizer. It was never enough. One day, a woman wearing a cape and a bag over her head put fifty dollars in my cup. She started to seduce me as the errands became more criminal. I fell under her spell. I thought it was love. I would do anything for her.
Edgar: But she said when it was over, we could be an official couple. That’s all I wanted at the time. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. People do crazy things for love. Star: Yeah. But, I mean, killing people, that’s a lot. Barb: Yeah, it’s a lot of people. That’s s a little crazy.
Edgar: Goodbye, Barb and Star. Whoever you are.
Barb: People are going to die! We have to find Edgar! Star: You’re right, but by me agreeing with you about having to stop Edgar, I do not agree about stopping being mad at you. Barb: Then we agree to go. But I want you to know that I’m frustrated, and hurt, and I’m really freaking pi**ed off. Barb: I’m freaking pi**ed off too. And it’s not that I’m copying you. It’s because I am. Star: Fine.
Barb: Thanks a lot, Star, for making me come on this trip. Now, we’re going to die just like I predicted. Star: Oh, will you just stop your complaining for once? Seems to me like you’ve been having the time of your life here. Barb: Oh, I sure have.
Star: When we get to heaven, we are not living with each other! And we are not running around playing harps in our halos and wings! Barb: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m not even going to look for you up there! I’m going to find the farthest cloud away from you. And I’m going to find Betsy Ross! And I’m going to be best friends with her. And we’re going to ignore you at all the parties. I guess we’re going to die on bad terms. Star: I guess you’re right.
Star: None of this will be happening if I hadn’t suggested coming on this trip in the first place. Barb: Are you kidding? I’ve had the time of my life here. I’ve done things I never thought I would do. I went in the ocean, Star. And I got my labia pierced. Star: What? Barb: I took it out. I immediately took it out.
Barb: [to Star] And I’m so happy you found love. I mean, it’s unfortunate that he turned out to be a conman and a mass murderer.
Edgar: Because I love you, Star. I think you’re the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever met, especially on the inside. Star: Edgar, please. Not in front of Barb. Edgar: No. Not that inside. Star: Oh. Edgar: Your heart.
Star: Lord, we’re coming to see you now! Barb: Open the gate! Star: The pearly one! Barb: Make sure it’s the pearly one!
Star: I never went to a turtle’s house. Barb: Oh, Star, that’s okay. I never splashed and played with a baby turtle in the tub. I never even got in the tub. And I still have my labia pierced. Star: What?! Barb: God, it’s so uncomfortable sitting on this thing. I don’t think it’s healed yet.
Edgar: Oh, Star. I’m so sorry I was ever involved in such a horrible plan. I mean, I’m so ashamed. Star: No, Edgar, I believe you. And I do want to be an official couple with you. Because I love you. I love you with all my fart. Heart. Oh, God. What a terrible time to flub my words.
Barb: I am Barb freaking Quicksilver, and I have been delivered. I used to be afraid of a lot of stuff, including people like you. But I’m not afraid anymore! And I know my truth. I’m a phoenix.
Star: Friend is the best word of all. I mean, they’re there when you’re sad. And they jump up and down with you when something good happens. Barb: Yeah. And you’ll spend your birthdays together, and stay up late giggling about boobs, and butts, and stuff.
Star: Barb, there something on your chest. It’s like you’re glowing. Barb: So are you. On your chest. Star: What is… Barb, Star: It’s our shimmer.
Trish: Well, looks like Barb and Star found some adventure after all. I mean, ain’t that what we all want? A little love, friendship, and adventure? Well, I hope you learned something here today. I know I did. Sometimes you got to step out of your box a little, then you’ll know what life is really about. But then again, what do I know? I’m just a fun-loving water spirit named Trish. Bye-bye now.
Sea-Doo Guy: [after credits lines] There are good ships. And wood ships. And ships that sail the sea. But the best ships are friendships. And may they always be. Morgan Freemond: I agree.
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