Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach, Ilfenesh Hadera, Jon Bass, Priyanka Chopra, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Action comedy directed by Seth Gordon, based on the television series of the same name, Baywatch (2017) follows devoted lifeguard, Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson), as he butts heads with a brash new recruit, Matt Brody (Zac Efron). Together, they uncover a local criminal plot that threatens the future of the Bay.
Mitch Buchannon: Welcome to Baywatch. Our team is the elite of the elite. We’re the heart and soul of this very beach. We protect when other people don’t want to protect, and we go above and beyond.
Mitch Buchannon: Our team is the heart and soul of this very beach. Protect the bay at all costs.
Mitch Buchannon: [referring to the sand statue that Pete is making of Mitch] Come on, Pete. Make my pants a little bigger, and don’t cover up my front bump.
Pete: You got it. Huge d**k.
Mitch Buchannon: Big d**k.
Woman: [as Mitch is rescuing a woman from a fire on a boat] If you want me, you can have me. But rapido because the boat is on fire.
Mitch Buchannon: Some other time.
[he throws her overboard]
Matt Brody: I’m Matt Brody. I hold the world record in the two hundred meter. Two gold medals.
Mitch Buchannon: Hey!
Stephanie Holden: Matt Brody.
Mitch Buchannon: Matt Brody. Yes, yes. Absolutely. And we still don’t give a f***.
Mitch and Stephanie: Don’t give a f***.
Mitch Buchannon: No, fresh out. Fresh out of f***s.
Matt Brody: Hey, I’m Matt Brody.
Summer Quinn: And not a single f*** was given.
Captain Thorpe: [to Mitch] We’re staring into the abyss here, the city council’s already cut our funding again. What the council wants and what the bay needs are two different things.
Summer Quinn: Did you just look at my boobs?
Matt Brody: Was not my intention. I didn’t stare directly at them.
Summer Quinn: You’re looking at them right now.
Matt Brody: Now I did, because you’re talking about them.
C.J. Parker: What is it that you think we do here?
Matt Brody: Prevent people from getting sun burnt and occasionally stop them from drowning.
Victoria Leeds: Everyone on the beach is talking about you guys.
Mitch Buchannon: This is Victoria Leeds, the new owner of the Hunger Club.
Victoria Leeds: I know that the club’s probably not your scene, but you have a standing invitation.
Mitch Buchannon: Cody!
Matt Brody: What?
Matt Brody: [referring to Mitch’s does a hand signal] I don’t know what this mean!
Woman: [swimming towards a woman who is screaming for help] Help me!
Matt Brody: Ma’am, everything’s okay.
Matt Brody: [as he gets close to the woman she punches him] Stop it! I can’t save you if you’re being a d**k!
[she punches him again]
Mitch Buchannon:This is the guy you think is a good PR opportunity for us. He’s reckless.
Captain Thorpe: With two gold medals. How many gold medals do you have? Probably zero.
Mitch Buchannon: This guy is a trainwreck.
Captain Thorpe: He’s one of the best swimmers in the world. It’s like a human f***ed a jetski, which is impossible, but it’d be so cool.
Matt Brody: Look, I get it. You’re big, sasquatch. I’m fast.
Matt Brody: [Mitch suddenly grunts, Matt yelps and steps back in fear] S**t.
Mitch Buchannon: I didn’t touch you.
Matt Brody: You suck.
[losing balance Matt falls back into the pool behind him]
Victoria Leeds: [to Mitch] Some people are up to no good.
Mitch Buchannon: We got a dead body on our beach.
Matt Brody: That’s not our job.
Mitch Buchannon: We’re going to have to do what Baywatch does best. The truth is one of you will probably die.
Ronnie: Yeah. What? No.
Matt Brody: Am I the only who thinks this is clearly a job for the police?
Mitch Buchannon: [to Matt] There’s your cut. Don’t jackoff on my sheets. Just remember, I’m always watching.
Sgt. Ellerbee: [to Matt and Mitch] Thank you, blue eyed demon. You got one job. Make sure swimming happy white people don’t drown.
Mitch Buchannon: [referring to Victoria] Drugs, murder, dead body on our beach, and it all started once she took over.
Mitch Buchannon: All the bad s**t happening on our beach started once she took over and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.
Matt Brody: And my balls say…
Matt Brody: [in high pitched voice] “Take it easy, right here. Just chill.”
Mitch Buchannon: Why the f*** do your balls sound like three year-old girls?
Matt Brody: I don’t know, man. That’s just how they talk, but they’re wise.
Summer Quinn: [referring to CJ] Why does she always look like she’s running slow-mo?
Ronnie: You see it too? She’s the reason I believe in God.
Sgt. Ellerbee: You turned the canals into the goddamn X-Games.
Matt Brody: Yeah, that’s because we were in lifeguard pursuit.
Sgt. Ellerbee: Oh, okay. My bad. Except there’s no f***ing such thing as lifeguard pursuit! Even if you were police, what you did would still be totally illegal.
Mitch Buchannon: Okay, well, I mean it’s a good thing we’re not police then.
Sgt. Ellerbee: How do I explain this so that you people understand?
Matt Brody: “You people? You people?”
Mitch Buchannon: Oh, you don’t get to say that. You’re just tanned.
Sgt. Ellerbee: Right on.
Mitch Buchannon: Come on, brother.
Mitch Buchannon: You’re going night-night.
Mitch Buchannon: Ready to do this?
Matt Brody: Hell, yeah.
Mitch Buchannon: [they take off their pants, Matt is wearing trunks with the USA flag on it] Woh. Woh! What are you wearing?
Matt Brody: Freedom.
Mitch Buchannon: That’s desecration.
Mitch Buchannon: We got to go undercover.
Matt Brody: [dressed as a woman] Check it out. I’m undercover.
Mitch Buchannon: Yeah. A little too undercover.
Victoria Leeds: You think I’m a drug dealer. Honey, look at me.
Matt Brody: [dressed as a woman] Oh, don’t even start.
Victoria Leeds: Easy, Brittany.
Mitch Buchannon: I’m Mitch Buchannon, you m**herf***er.
Matt Brody: Jason Bourne ain’t got s**t on me!
[he suddenly gets hits on the head from behind]
Matt Brody: Why are we in the morgue?
Mitch Buchannon: We got to get some hard evidence.
Summer Quinn: Someone’s coming.
Matt Brody: What do we do now?!
Mitch Buchannon: Now we hide.
Matt Brody: Where?
Mitch Buchannon: We need to search the morgue for evidence. Check his taint for needle marks.
Matt Brody: You want me to check his taint?
Mitch Buchannon: Lift his f***ing scrotum and check his taint.
Matt Brody: Dude, it’s a taint, man. It’s a taint.
Mitch Buchannon: You didn’t even look. Get closer.
Matt Brody: Ugh. It smells like yogurt. Oh, there is a hole. That’s just his butthole.
Mitch Buchannon: [taking a photo of Matt] Smile. I’m posting that.
Matt Brody: Do not post that.
Mitch Buchannon: [chuckling] Just a handful of ball sack.
Matt Brody: [hiding inside the morgue freezer] I’m laying on a dead old lady.
Mitch Buchannon: Well, she’s not going to bite you, for Christ’s sakes. Will you shut up?
Summer Quinn: Our drawers are empty. Why did you pick that drawer?
Matt Brody: I’m the only one with a body in my drawer?
Mitch Buchannon: Shh. Shut up!
Matt Brody: She smells like cheese toast and chowder.
Matt Brody: [inside the morgue freezer] Something just dripped on me.
Mitch Buchannon: Shut your mouth.
Matt Brody: What is it?
Mitch Buchannon: It’s alright.
Matt Brody: Oh, my God. It did it again.
Summer Quinn: Nothing’s dripping on me.
Mitch Buchannon: Listen to me. Formaldehyde melts fat.
Matt Brody: What?
Mitch Buchannon: That’s what’s dripping on your face, necrotic liquid fat. Now will you shut the f*** up?
Matt Brody: What the f*** did you just say?
Mitch Buchannon: Just sit back and shut up.
Victoria Leeds: F***ing lifeguards! Take care of them already!
Victoria Leeds: [referring to Mitch] Leon, teach him some manners. Have fun, boys.
Matt Brody: [to Mitch and Summer] All things considered things could have gone a lot worse.
Mitch Buchannon: [when a severed foot lands in front of Matt after an explosion] Oh, a foot. That’s good luck. Pick it up.
Matt Brody: Because as much as I know about laptops, I don’t know s**t about computers.