Bridesmaids Quotes: Fresh, Funny and Foul-mouthed!

[giving her maid of honor speech at the engagement party]
Annie: Hi. Um…I’m Annie Walker.
[cheering her along]
Lillian: Yay! Annie!
Annie: Uh…I’m not gonna go on with a big speech. So I’ll just say this; um…I’m so happy to be a part of this celebration. And you two deserve each other, as well as a lifetime of happiness.
Dougie: Thank you.
Annie: Cheers!

[after taking the microphone from Annie to give her speech]
Helen: Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami, with the boys?
[she laughs]
Helen: And they were working the entire weekend. And we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shares things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone. And you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say; Lillian, you’re my best friend. And I’m so proud of you
[she starts tearing up]
Helen: And…um, Doug-Li? I’m sorry, inside joke!
[the crowd laughs]
Helen: Uh you better not keep my Lil on a leash, because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rock’N Sushi, okay? Wooh!
[the crowd cheers with her but Annie looks confused]
Helen: Everybody, raise your glass to the couple of the decade; Doug and Lillian.

[jealous of Helen’s speech, Annie walks on stage to give another speech Lillian]
Annie: Um…I just wanted to say really quick that, you’re so special to me, because…well, one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my…my whole entire life. And you’ve really help shape who I am. I just wanna thank you for, carefully, selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices, but um…you’re like my sister, and I love you. Well, that concludes the speeches for the night.
[just then Helen walks on the stage with a microphone in her hand]

[trying to up Annie’s engagement speech yet again]
Helen: One last thing. I…it’s rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with. And that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry. And there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there.
[she gives the speech in Thai]
Helen: It means; you are a part of me. A part that I could never live without. And I hope, and I pray that I never have to. Khob-kun-Ka.
[bows to the crowd]
Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that’s it for tonight! Thank you for coming!

[comes back on stage after Helen has ended hers]
Annie: Lillian and I took Spanish together, in school. And so, I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here; “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en el azul…markada. Tienes con beber en las Fortuasla?” and gracias!
[Helen comes on stage again and takes the microphone from Annie]
Helen: Thank you. I feel so close to you and can trust you. You’re my angel, my soul mate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look.
[she looks at Lillian and Lillian gives her an understanding look]
Helen: Thank you for coming.

[back on stage again after Helen’s speech, she gives Lillian a long look and then starts singing]
Annie: Keep smilin’. Keep shinin’. knowing you can always count on me. For sure. That’s what friends are for.
[to Annie’s dismay Helen joins her on stage and starts singing along with her]
Annie and Helen: In good times, and bad times. I’ll be on your side forever more. That’s what friends are for.
[they sing off out of tune, Lillian looks a bit embarrassed but the crowd cheers for them]

Annie: So uh…what’s up with her anyway, with Helen?
Lillian: What?
Annie: Well, I’m just, like, you know? She’s in your wedding and you’ve only known her, like eight months though, right? Come on!
Lillian: Get it out. Get it all out.
Annie: Well, I’m just, like the whole gown, the oohh…! You know, things. Weird, right?
Lillian: You know what? She’s actually really cool, Annie. She’s really, she’s a good one. I’m telling you.
Annie: Well, I’m sure if…if you like her, I will like her and…
Lillian: You have to just, get to know her.
Annie: Yeah.
Lillian: Which I think you really should. And will you just do me a favor, will you just hang out with her once? Just the two of you, right? As a favor to me?
Annie: Okay. I will.

[being pulled over for drunken driving and demonstrating walking in a straight line]
Annie: See? Okay. Not drunk. Told you!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re just a terrible sober driver?
Annie: Ha…ha. Very funny. Can I stop walking now?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You can stop walking when I tell you to stop walking.

[whilst writing her a ticket he finds out that he used to know her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Cake Baby. You’re, Cake Baby.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. You had your sign with your face.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: That was you?
Annie: That was me!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You made good cakes.

[remembering her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I used to get served by this tall, kind of a broad guy, like a wormy face.
Annie: Oh, yeah. That’s my boyfriend.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Sorry.
Annie: Oh! No! No! No! He was my boyfriend. And then he left me when the business went under. So, anyway.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re kidding?
[she doesn’t answer]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: What a dick! I’m glad I never tipped him.

[lets her off the ticket with the condition of getting her tail light fixed]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And I’m gonna give you this.
[he hands her a business card]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Uh…it’s a buddy of mine. He has a bodyshop in Milwaukee. He’ll fix those right up for you.
[reading the name on the business card]
Annie: Bill Cosby?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. With a zee. Different guy.
Annie: Yeah.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And don’t mention the whole Bill Cosby thing to him. It drives him nuts. I mean it!

[referring to Lillian not joining them to play tennis]
Annie: Well, you know, she’s not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn’t like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It’s funny how people change, isn’t it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you’re growing, then you’re changing.
Annie: But I mean we’re changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don’t think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don’t.

Helen: Oh Annie, these are my kids.
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Step kids. Step!
Helen: [laughing] They’re so hilarious!
Annie: Funny.
Helen: Excuse me, my husband’s kids. What are you guys up to?
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Going to the snack bar.
Helen: Awesome. You need a ride home later?
Helen’s Stepson: Fuck off, Helen.
[they start walk away]
Helen: Okay. Put a quarter in the swear jar. Good to see ya!
[turning to Annie]
Helen: They’re so cute!
Annie: Sweet kids.

[to his sister whilst watching Helen and Annie play tennis]
Helen’s Stepson: I’ve seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.

Annie: Um…I’ve been thinking and Brynn needs to start paying rent. That’s it. She’s been here long enough. The three of us live here, it’s not fair for me to be paying half. We split it three ways, what do you say?
Gil: Well, she can’t work.
Brynn: No.
Gil: She’s on a tourist visa.
Brynn: Yeah. So technically I’m only allowed to tour.
Annie: Well, you know…
Brynn: I have no way of earning money. Unless I just go and prostitute down on the street.
Annie: I don’t want you to do that.
Brynn: Hello, fellas. Here I am.
Annie: No.
Gil: Yeah, but we…
Brynn: Put you’re American sausage in my English McMuffin.
Annie: No!
Gil: No. But we did that.
Brynn: Right.
Annie: Okay. I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore!

Gil: Is this about the diary again?
Annie: What diary?
Brynn: You’re diary proved very interesting to read.
Annie: You read my…you read my journal?
Brynn: At first I did not know that it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Annie: What? That doesn’t make any…sense
Brynn: But then, because of the deep personal details and the bits that mentioned Gil and Brynn.
Gil: And the crumbs.
Annie: No! No! No! Don’t read my journal! Don’t go in my room!
Gil: Well, hello! I think before you make those sort of demands, you need to maybe think about putting a note on your door saying, “Do not come into my room, read my diary and wear my clothes.”

[as they stand in the parking lot looking at the run down building of a restaurant]
Becca: Wow! I’ve never been to this part of town before.
Helen: Oh, look! You can get your checks cashed next door.
Annie: I know it looks a little scary on the outside, but the food is really good authentic Brazilian. I’m telling you this is where Brazilians come to eat.
Lillian: I gotta say Annie is really good at this. She always drives me to the weirdest places and the food is always incredible.
Annie: And plus you get a lot for your money too.

[at the Brazilian restaurant]
Becca: Helen, aren’t you eating any meat?
Helen: Oh, it’s not good to eat a big meal before a fitting, you know? Feel a bit bloated, so.
Megan: Not me.
Helen: No?
Megan: No. Physically I don’t bloat.
Lillian: You’re lucky.
Megan: It’s a gift.

Becca: I can’t wait to be married for as long as you have been married. And to have kids. To be a mom.
Rita: Becca.
Becca: Yeah?
Rita: The other night I’m slaving away making a beautiful dinner for my family, my youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. I said no, we’re not ordering pizza tonight. He goes, mom why don’t you go and fuck yourself! He’s nine!

[referring to Lillian’s shower]
Annie: I was thinking it could be like, French themed. You know? I mean she’s always wanted to go to Paris her whole life. So I figured we could bring Paris here and have champagne, and you know, little cookies, we can dip them in chocolate fondue and, you know, get cheese from the nice part of the store.
Megan: I love that.
Rita: Very cute.
Becca: Good idea.
Rita: Very cute.
Annie: You can have French invitations, the whole thing. Don’t you think that could be nice?
[Becca, Rita and Megan all agree]

[after Annie has proposed the French themed shower]
Helen: I don’t know. It’s really cute, but I feel like personally, the Paris theme is a bit ‘been there, done that.’ I just feel like we could top it. We should throw some ideas around, see you know, if anyone else has like a theme they had in mind, or something they’d been thinking of, or…
Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? We all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character.
Megan: That and I uh…I’ll just snowball on top of that also Fight Club. Female Fight Club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn’t know so it’s; ‘Surprise! We’re gonna fight!’ We bit the shit out of her. She’s not gonna forget that. We…we just fucking attack.

Rita: Can I be honest?
Megan: Oh, no!
Rita: I’m at home with three boys all day, every day. What about the bachelorette party? That’s what’s more important. I’ve got a new tube top, I wanna cut the tags off. I’d like to take advantage of this opportunity. Where are we going?
Megan: I’m gonna second her. We better blow this shit out. That poor girl, Lillian, who we’re all here for, is in the bathroom probably balling her fucking eyes out. Cause she’s realizing, ‘holy shit! I gotta spend the rest of my life with Doug’. He’s my brother, I love him. But he’s a fucking asshole! I think we can all agree on that, right?

[as they walk into the bridal gown store]
Megan: Oh, man! This is some classy shit here…
[she suddenly does a load burp]
Rita: Jesus, Megan!
Megan: I’m sorr…I wanna apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.

Helen: Ladies, I…I just don’t think we can do any better. This is…this is beautiful.
Rita: That is gorgeous.
[Annie takes a look at the price tag]
Helen: It is unique. It’s special. It’s couture. This is made in France.
Annie: Helen, this is um…this is eight hundred dollars.
Helen: Are you kidding? It’s on sale!

[to Megan after she nearly hurls and farts at the same time]
Helen: Oh, my God! You got food poisoning from that restaurant, didn’t you?
Annie: No, I had the same thing that she had and I…I feel fine.

[whilst trying on their bridesmaids dresses, they all start looking sick, nearly hurling and farting]
Rita: You know, I don’t really care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!

Helen: You don’t look very well, Annie.
Annie: I feel fine.
Helen: Are you sure, it wasn’t that grey kind of lamb? Or you ate a lot of that weird chicken, was it that?
[Annie looking sicker by the minute shakes her head]
Annie: No. I’m…I…I feel fine.
Helen: I think you’d feel just better if you threw up.
Annie: I don’t…I don’t have to throw up.

Helen: You’re not sick?
Annie: No.
Helen: No?
[Annie looking really sick and sweaty]
Annie: In fact, Helen, I’m hungry and I wish I had a snack.
Helen: You’re hungry?
Annie: I’m starving.

[whilst taking a dump in the handwash basin in the bridal store toilet]
Megan: [shouting] What did we eat?
[Becca finished just being sick in the toilet looks at Megan]
Becca: What are you doing?
Megan: It’s coming out of me like lava!