Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne , Chris O’Dowd, Jill Clayburgh, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Jon Hamm, Joe Nunez, Rebel Wilson, Matt Lucas, Greg Tuculescu, Franklyn Ajaye, Tim Heidecker, Lynne Marie Stewart, Andy Buckley, Jessica St. Clair
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Story:
Comedy directed by Paul Feig and co-written by Kristen Wiig. The story follows Annie (Kristen Wiig), a single woman whose own life is a mess, but when she learns that her best friend, Lillian (Maya Rudolph), is engaged, she has no choice but to serve as the maid of honor. Though lovelorn and broke, Annie, nevertheless, winds her way through the strange and expensive rituals. Determined to make things perfect, she gamely leads Lillian and the other bridesmaids down the wild road to the wedding.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 116)
[first lines; whilst having sex]
Annie: So glad you called.
Ted: I’m so glad you were free.
Annie: God, I love your eyes. Okay, now what?
Ted: Cup my balls.
Annie: Okay. Uh, yes. All right, I can do that.
Ted: Oh, there it is!
Annie: There we go.
[whilst having sex]
Annie: Oh, that feels good.
Ted: You know what to do.
Annie: Okay, you know what? Slow it down.
Ted: Okay.
Annie: Slow it down. Slow it down. Down. There we go.
Ted: How’s that?
Annie: It’s good. Nice and slow. See? It feels good?
Ted: No. I want to go fast.
Annie: You want to go fast?
Ted: Yeah.
Ted: You slept over.
Annie: I did.
Ted: I thought we had a rule against that?
Annie: Oh!
Ted: I’m kidding.
Annie: Oh! That was funny. You’re funny in the morning.
Ted: But I like hanging out with you.
Annie: Oh, yeah! I love hanging out with you. I think we get along really well and you’re so sexy. And…
Ted: I know.
Ted: I’m just, you know, I just have a lot coming up at work.
Annie: Oh!
Ted: And, and, and I just, I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. You know what I mean?
Annie: Mmm.
Ted: I know you do.
Annie: Yeah. We’re on the same page. I mean, I’m not looking for a relationship right now either. Let’s just say that, I just, whatever you want to, I can do, you know? I’d rather just, I like simple. I’m not like other girls, like; ‘be my boyfriend!’ Unless you were like; ‘yeah!’. Then I’d be like; ‘maybe’.
Ted: But that’s not on.
Annie: I don’t want that either.
Ted: I don’t either.
[to Annie after he’s kissed her whilst in bed]
Ted: Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.
[behind a tree in the park following the exercises the instructor is giving his class]
Lillian: He scares me.
Annie: Me too. But he’s an excellent motivator.
Lillian: That’s true.
[he looks over and sees them behind the tree]
Annie: Oh, shit! He sees us.
[shouting to Annie and Lillian]
Rodney: Hey! Hey! If you want to take this class, you’re going to have to pay for it, like the rest of these bitches! What are you…?
[he watches as they start dancing]
Rodney: Dancing in the park! Dance class? You are not dancing! You are not dancing in the park!
[to Lillian]
Annie: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[they quickly get their stuff]
Rodney: Freeloaders! I’m coming over there.
Annie: Is he coming?
Rodney: I’m coming after you!
[they start running away]
Lillian: Sorry, Rodney! We’re on a budget!
Rodney: Oh, come on! It’s only twelve bucks. Come one! Fucking freeloaders!
Annie: How is it going with him, anyway?
Lillian: I don’t know. I mean it’s fine. I just feel like, he’s kind of been distant lately and, I don’t know. He calls me dude a lot.
Annie: That doesn’t mean anything. I think everything’s fine.
Lillian: I don’t know.
Lillian: What did you do last night?
[she doesn’t reply but gives Lillian a look]
Lillian: You are not telling me something.
Annie: I hung out with Ted, for like, a little bit.
Lillian: I knew it!
Annie: We had, we had fun. It was fun.
Lillian: Here’s what I don’t like about it; you hate yourself after you see him. Every time. And then we go through this and you feel like shit. And it’s almost like you’re doing it because you feel bad about yourself.
[referring to the night she slept with Ted]
Annie: He called me late and we hung out. It wasn’t like a big deal. And you know, it was fun.
Lillian: Ew! You had sex with him.
Annie: We had an adult sleepover.
Lillian: Oh! Did you let him sleepover in your mouth?
[she pulls a face to confirm that she had]
Lillian: Annie!
Annie: I’m sorry!
Lillian: You’re unbelievable.
Annie: He kept like, putting it near my face.
Lillian: They do that, don’t they?
Annie: Why do they do that? What is offer?
Lillian: Please!
Annie: If we don’t offer…
Lillian: Just slap it away.
Annie: I couldn’t!
[referring to Ted’s dick]
Annie: You don’t want to look right at it.
Lillian: I know!
Annie: It’s too aggressive.
Lillian: I don’t care.
Annie: It’s like…
[she does an impression of a dick by popping her head forward]
Lillian: Hello!
Annie: That’s my impression.
[referring to Annie’s arms by her side]
Lillian: Those are the balls?
Annie: Yeah. I’m trying to make it round, but I can’t cause I have elbows.
[she pops her head forward again with one eye closed making Lillian laugh]
[referring to Ted]
Annie: He’s so hot though!
Lillian: Look, I know you say he’s cute, and all that stuff. But he makes you feel like shit, you know? You’re a total catch and any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for somebody who’s nice to you and…
Annie: You know what? He’s honest. He told me that we are what we are and we’re just having fun, and I like that!
Lillian: He also told you dental work! He’s an asshole!
[looking at her closed bakery]
Annie: Well, I’m the genius that opened a bakery during the recession.
Lillian: They were good cakes, Annie.
Annie: Thank you.
[turning Annie to the side and walking away]
Lillian: Come on. Look away! Look away! Look away!
[helping a couple choose an engagement ring]
Annie: You guys love each other, huh?
Male Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Female Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Oh, that’s sweet. That will go away.
[the couples face falls and Annie’s boss looks over]
Annie: You cannot trust anybody. Ever. Especially someone you’re in a relationship with, you know? Cause they’re living with you, you don’t know who you’re sleeping next to. It is scary! I mean, look at him? He may not even be Asian. It’s scary!
[the couple just stare at her silently]
Annie: So did you guys want to look at, um, these engagement rings?
Male Jewelry Store Couple: We’re going to browse.
Female Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Okay. Sure. I’ll be here
[the couple quickly walk out of the store]
Don Cholodecki: Show me ‘you’re love is eternal’ face.
[Annie pulls lopsided smiling face]
Don Cholodecki: No. That’s two years. Four years, tops. That is not eternal.
Kahlua: What’s up, Don-Don?
Don Cholodecki: [laughing] You make up the best nicknames. You don’t need a nickname cause Kahlua is so delicious.
[he touches her arm]
Don Cholodecki: Don’t sue me for touching you. Show Annie ‘you’re love is eternal’ face.
[she strikes a pose by looking off into the distance and Annie tries to copy it]
Don Cholodecki: [to Annie] That looks like you have menstrual cramps.
Brynn: Guess what happened to me today?
Annie: Mmm, what?
Brynn: I got a free tattoo.
Annie: You did what?
Brynn: I could not believe it. The guy said; do you want a tattoo?
Annie: Just a random…?
Brynn: Yeah. Opened up the side of his van.
Annie: No!
Brynn: He said; it’s for free! I said; sure.
Annie: You said yes?
Brynn: Yeah! Yeah! Look.
[she pulls up her shirt to reveal a giant tattoo going from her stomach round to her back which is sore and bleeding]
Annie: Have you seen your sister’s tattoo? It’s really infected.
[Gil looks at the tattoo]
Gil: Maybe give it a little bit of ice on it.
Annie: Yeah. Little bit.
Gil: Yeah, bit of ice.
Annie: Stick some frozen peas on there.
Brynn: All right.
Gil: Yeah, can’t hurt.
[holding out her hand to show Annie her engagement ring]
Lillian: I got engaged.
Annie: What?!
Lillian: He asked me last night.
Annie: What?!
Lillian: I know! That’s why he’s been acting so weird. Because he’s a terrible liar and he thought he was going to blow it. He was ignoring me and I thought he was going to break up with me and…
Annie: Oh, my gosh!
Lillian: I’m shocked, still. But I’m happy. Can you believe it?
Annie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I just got hot!
Lillian: You did?
Annie: Yes.
Lillian: You okay?
Annie: Yeah. My pits are sweating.
Lillian: What does that mean?
Annie: I don’t know. I’m hot. Oh, my God! Aahh! What is happening?
Lillian: I don’t know! I’m wearing a ring.
Lillian: I can’t believe it.
Annie: Lil, you’re getting married.
Lillian: I’m getting married. And you’ll be my maid of honor?
Annie: Oh, my God! Of course! Of course I will!
Lillian: It’s going to be super fun.
Annie: Of course it will be fun.
Lillian: Yeah! You know, we can plan everything together and…
Annie: God! Planning your wedding!
Lillian: Are you sure you’re up for it? I know it’s a lot to ask and put on your plate and you’re going through a tricky time and super busy…
Annie: Stop!
Lillian: It’s a lot to ask.
Annie: Stop!
Lillian: Okay.
Annie: It’s fine.
Lillian: Okay.
Annie: And I’m more than happy to do it. And it’s not too much.
Annie’s Mom: I signed up to speak at AA tonight and I just have to.
Annie: Mom?!
Annie’s Mom: No! I forgot. I’m sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Annie: Mom, I keep telling you, you’re not supposed to go to those things. You know, you’re not an alcoholic.
Annie’s Mom: Well, only because I’ve never had a drink.
Annie: What?
Annie’s Mom: I mean, they are inspiring.
[referring to her AA meetings]
Annie’s Mom: There is this one story I’ve just got to tell you. Sit down.
Annie: Okay.
Annie’s Mom: There’s this gentleman, who started blow jobbing to get crack. His name is Marvin Johnson.
Annie: Mom! Anonymous! You keep, it’s, don’t…
Annie’s Mom: Okay!
Annie: Names!
Annie’s Mom: Okay! Forget it! Marvin J, whatever!
Annie: Too late!
Annie’s Mom: Well, he became a gay prostitute and he realized that he had hit his bottom. And I have been thinking, honey, that maybe, this is your bottom. I’m telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing.
Annie: Because?
Annie’s Mom: Because…
Annie: Because there’s…
Annie’s Mom: Because there’s nowhere to go but up.
Annie: …nowhere to go but up. Yep.
Annie’s Mom: Right?
Annie: Yep. Just like you say.
Annie’s Mom: Yeah. Positive message.
Annie: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the pep talk, mom.
Annie: Right. Well, I guess I’m going to Lillian’s party by myself then.
Annie’s Mom: Oh, don’t talk to me about being by yourself. I go everywhere by myself. Well, you know, thanks to that new whore, Barb. You know?
Annie: Mom! Come on!
Annie’s Mom: I don’t like to say it. But, you know, that’s what…
Annie: They’ve been married twelve years.
Annie’s Mom: Oh, okay. But she’s still a whore.
Annie: Yes.
Annie’s Mom: You know, I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.
Annie: I don’t want to think about that.
Annie’s Mom: You sure you don’t want to move in with me?
Annie: Oh mom, thanks. But, um, no way! No way in hell!
Annie’s Mom: No?
Annie: I mean, no thanks.
Annie’s Mom: Think about it.
Annie: Okay.
Annie’s Mom: You don’t need your own place.
Annie: Yeah, well. I kind of do.
[after meeting Rita at Lillian’s engagement party]
Lillian: She has three kids now.
Rita: Three boys.
Annie: Woh!
Lillian: They’re so cute.
Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age, oh, disgusting! They smell! They’re sticky! They say things that are horrible. And there is semen all over everything, okay? Disgusting! I cracked a blanket in half! Do you get where I’m going with that?
Annie: I do. Yeah.
Rita: I cracked it in half!
Lillian: What?
[after being introduced to Becca at Lillian’s engagement party]
Becca: This is my husband, Kevin.
Annie: Hi.
Kevin: Hi.
Becca: Husband. I like to say it. We’re newlyweds.
Annie: Oh, wow! Congratulations.
Becca: Thank you so much. We went on a sweetheart honeymoon.
Annie: Where did you guys go?
Becca and Kevin: Disney world.
Annie: Oh!
Becca: We finish each other’s sentences. Sorry!
Becca: Is this your husband?
[Annie turns around and we see an older looking man standing behind her]
Annie: No. No. No! No! I don’t know him. I’m sorry.
Annie’s Mistaken Husband: Do you want to go for a walk later?
Annie: Oh! I can’t.
Annie’s Mistaken Husband: All right.
[looking disappointed he turns and walks away]
Annie: I can’t. I’m sorry.
Becca: I am so sorry!
Annie: I’m not, I’m not with anybody. I’m here solo.
Becca: Let’s start it again. I’m…
Kevin: Re-re-re-rewind!
[laughing]
Becca: I’m Becca. This is my husband. You don’t have a husband!
[realizing what she’s just said]
Becca: Sorry!
[after being introduced to Megan at Lillian engagement party]
Megan: I just fell off a crew ship.
Annie: Ouch!
Megan: But I’m back.
Annie: Oh, shit!
Megan: Yeah, oh shit. Yeah, oh shit! Took a hard, hard violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings. Broke a lot of shit. I didn’t, I’m not going to say I survived. I say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. Into my Goddamn soul, Annie. And said; I’m saving you Megan. Not with his mouth, but he said it, I’m assuming telepathically.
Annie: Oh!
Megan: We had a connection that I don’t even know if I can exp… Oh, Jesus!
Megan: You must be Annie’s fella?
[she puts out her hand to introduce herself to the tall older man we now see standing next to Annie]
Megan: I’m Megan. It’s a pleasure.
Annie: Oh, he’s not, uh, I’m not, he’s not, I’m not with him.
Megan: Oh! All right!
[the man turns and walks away]
Megan: I’m glad he’s single, cause I’m going to climb that like a tree.
[giving her maid of honor speech at the engagement party]
Annie: Hi. Um, I’m Annie Walker.
[cheering her along]
Lillian: Yay! Annie!
Annie: Uh, I’m not going to go on with a big speech. So I’ll just say this; um, I’m so happy to be a part of this celebration. And you two deserve each other, as well as a lifetime of happiness.
Dougie: Thank you.
Annie: Cheers!
[after taking the microphone from Annie to give her speech]
Helen: Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami, with the boys?
[she laughs]
Helen: And they were working the entire weekend. And we just sat and drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shares things with you that I’ve never shared with anyone. And you made me realize how I can trust people again. So let me just say; Lillian, you’re my best friend. And I’m so proud of you
[she starts tearing up]
Helen: And, um, Doug-Li? I’m sorry, inside joke!
[the crowd laughs]
Helen: Uh you better not keep my Lil on a leash, because I still need my drunken Saturday nights at Rock’N Sushi, okay? Wooh!
[the crowd cheers with her but Annie looks confused]
Helen: Everybody, raise your glass to the couple of the decade; Doug and Lillian.
[jealous of Helen’s speech, Annie walks on stage to give another speech Lillian]
Annie: Um, I just wanted to say really quick that, you’re so special to me, because, well, one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really help shape who I am. I just want to thank you for, carefully, selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices, but, um, you’re like my sister, and I love you. Well, that concludes the speeches for the night.
[just then Helen walks on the stage with a microphone in her hand]
[trying to up Annie’s engagement speech yet again]
Helen: One last thing. I, it’s rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with. And that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry. And there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there.
[she gives the speech in Thai]
Helen: It means; you are a part of me. A part that I could never live without. And I hope, and I pray that I never have to. Khob-kun-Ka.
[bows to the crowd]
Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that’s it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
[comes back on stage after Helen has ended hers]
Annie: Lillian and I took Spanish together, in school. And so, I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here; “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en el azul markada. Tienes con beber en las Fortuasla?” and gracias!
[Helen comes on stage again and takes the microphone from Annie]
Helen: Thank you. I feel so close to you and can trust you. You’re my angel, my soul mate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look.
[she looks at Lillian and Lillian gives her an understanding look]
Helen: Thank you for coming.
[back on stage again after Helen’s speech, she gives Lillian a long look and then starts singing]
Annie: Keep smiling. Keep shining. knowing you can always count on me. For sure. That’s what friends are for.
[to Annie’s dismay Helen joins her on stage and starts singing along with her]
Annie and Helen: In good times, and bad times. I’ll be on your side forever more. That’s what friends are for.
[they sing off out of tune, Lillian looks a bit embarrassed but the crowd cheers for them]
Annie: So, uh, what’s up with her anyway, with Helen?
Lillian: What?
Annie: Well, I’m just, like, you know? She’s in your wedding and you’ve only known her, like eight months though, right? Come on!
Lillian: Get it out. Get it all out.
Annie: Well, I’m just, like the whole gown, the oohh…! You know, things. Weird, right?
Lillian: You know what? She’s actually really cool, Annie. She’s really, she’s a good one. I’m telling you.
Annie: Well, I’m sure if you like her, I will like her and…
Lillian: You have to just, get to know her.
Annie: Yeah.
Lillian: Which I think you really should. And will you just do me a favor, will you just hang out with her once? Just the two of you, right? As a favor to me?
Annie: Okay. I will.
[being pulled over for drunken driving and demonstrating walking in a straight line]
Annie: See? Okay. Not drunk. Told you!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re just a terrible sober driver?
Annie: Ha-ha. Very funny. Can I stop walking now?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You can stop walking when I tell you to stop walking.
[whilst writing her a ticket he finds out that he used to know her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Cake Baby. You’re, Cake Baby.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. You had your sign with your face.
Annie: Yeah!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: That was you?
Annie: That was me!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You made good cakes.
[remembering her bakery]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I used to get served by this tall, kind of a broad guy, like a wormy face.
Annie: Oh, yeah. That’s my boyfriend.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Sorry.
Annie: Oh! No! No! No! He was my boyfriend. And then he left me when the business went under. So, anyway.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re kidding?
[she doesn’t answer]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: What a dick! I’m glad I never tipped him.
[lets her off the ticket with the condition of getting her tail light fixed]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And I’m going to give you this.
[he hands her a business card]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Uh, it’s a buddy of mine. He has a bodyshop in Milwaukee. He’ll fix those right up for you.
[reading the name on the business card]
Annie: Bill Cosby?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. With a zee. Different guy.
Annie: Yeah.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And don’t mention the whole Bill Cosby thing to him. It drives him nuts. I mean it!
[referring to Lillian not joining them to play tennis]
Annie: Well, you know, she’s not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn’t like anything that was too competitive.
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It’s funny how people change, isn’t it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you’re growing, then you’re changing.
Annie: But I mean we’re changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don’t think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don’t.
Helen: Oh Annie, these are my kids.
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Step kids. Step!
Helen: [laughing] They’re so hilarious!
Annie: Funny.
Helen: Excuse me, my husband’s kids. What are you guys up to?
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Going to the snack bar.
Helen: Awesome. You need a ride home later?
Helen’s Stepson: Fuck off, Helen.
[they start walk away]
Helen: Okay. Put a quarter in the swear jar. Good to see ya!
[turning to Annie]
Helen: They’re so cute!
Annie: Sweet kids.
[to his sister whilst watching Helen and Annie play tennis]
Helen’s Stepson: I’ve seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.
Annie: Um, I’ve been thinking and Brynn needs to start paying rent. That’s it. She’s been here long enough. The three of us live here, it’s not fair for me to be paying half. We split it three ways, what do you say?
Gil: Well, she can’t work.
Brynn: No.
Gil: She’s on a tourist visa.
Brynn: Yeah. So technically I’m only allowed to tour.
Annie: Well, you know…
Brynn: I have no way of earning money. Unless I just go and prostitute down on the street.
Annie: I don’t want you to do that.
Brynn: Hello, fellas. Here I am.
Annie: No.
Gil: Yeah, but we…
Brynn: Put you’re American sausage in my English McMuffin.
Annie: No!
Gil: No. But we did that.
Brynn: Right.
Annie: Okay. I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore!
Gil: Is this about the diary again?
Annie: What diary?
Brynn: You’re diary proved very interesting to read.
Annie: You read my, you read my journal?
Brynn: At first I did not know that it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Annie: What? That doesn’t make any sense
Brynn: But then, because of the deep personal details and the bits that mentioned Gil and Brynn.
Gil: And the crumbs.
Annie: No! No! No! Don’t read my journal! Don’t go in my room!
Gil: Well, hello! I think before you make those sort of demands, you need to maybe think about putting a note on your door saying, “Do not come into my room, read my diary and wear my clothes.”
[as they stand in the parking lot looking at the run down building of a restaurant]
Becca: Wow! I’ve never been to this part of town before.
Helen: Oh, look! You can get your checks cashed next door.
Annie: I know it looks a little scary on the outside, but the food is really good authentic Brazilian. I’m telling you this is where Brazilians come to eat.
Lillian: I gotta say Annie is really good at this. She always drives me to the weirdest places and the food is always incredible.
Annie: And plus you get a lot for your money too.
[at the Brazilian restaurant]
Becca: Helen, aren’t you eating any meat?
Helen: Oh, it’s not good to eat a big meal before a fitting, you know? Feel a bit bloated, so.
Megan: Not me.
Helen: No?
Megan: No. Physically I don’t bloat.
Lillian: You’re lucky.
Megan: It’s a gift.
Becca: I can’t wait to be married for as long as you have been married. And to have kids. To be a mom.
Rita: Becca.
Becca: Yeah?
Rita: The other night I’m slaving away making a beautiful dinner for my family, my youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. I said no, we’re not ordering pizza tonight. He goes, mom why don’t you go and fuck yourself! He’s nine!
[referring to Lillian’s shower]
Annie: I was thinking it could be like, French themed. You know? I mean she’s always wanted to go to Paris her whole life. So I figured we could bring Paris here and have champagne, and you know, little cookies, we can dip them in chocolate fondue and, you know, get cheese from the nice part of the store.
Megan: I love that.
Rita: Very cute.
Becca: Good idea.
Rita: Very cute.
Annie: You can have French invitations, the whole thing. Don’t you think that could be nice?
[Becca, Rita and Megan all agree]
[after Annie has proposed the French themed shower]
Helen: I don’t know. It’s really cute, but I feel like personally, the Paris theme is a bit ‘been there, done that.’ I just feel like we could top it. We should throw some ideas around, see you know, if anyone else has like a theme they had in mind, or something they’d been thinking of, or…
Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? We all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character.
Megan: That and I, uh, I’ll just snowball on top of that also Fight Club. Female Fight Club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn’t know so it’s; ‘Surprise! We’re going to fight!’ We bit the shit out of her. She’s not going to forget that. We just fucking attack.
Rita: Can I be honest?
Megan: Oh, no!
Rita: I’m at home with three boys all day, every day. What about the bachelorette party? That’s what’s more important. I’ve got a new tube top, I want to cut the tags off. I’d like to take advantage of this opportunity. Where are we going?
Megan: I’m going to second her. We better blow this shit out. That poor girl, Lillian, who we’re all here for, is in the bathroom probably balling her fucking eyes out. Cause she’s realizing, ‘holy shit! I gotta spend the rest of my life with Doug’. He’s my brother, I love him. But he’s a fucking asshole! I think we can all agree on that, right?
[as they walk into the bridal gown store]
Megan: Oh, man! This is some classy shit here…
[she suddenly does a load burp]
Rita: Jesus, Megan!
Megan: I’m sorr…I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.
Helen: Ladies, I just don’t think we can do any better. This is, this is beautiful.
Rita: That is gorgeous.
[Annie takes a look at the price tag]
Helen: It is unique. It’s special. It’s couture. This is made in France.
Annie: Helen, this is, um, this is eight hundred dollars.
Helen: Are you kidding? It’s on sale!
[to Megan after she nearly hurls and farts at the same time]
Helen: Oh, my God! You got food poisoning from that restaurant, didn’t you?
Annie: No, I had the same thing that she had and I feel fine.
[whilst trying on their bridesmaids dresses, they all start looking sick, nearly hurling and farting]
Rita: You know, I don’t really care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!
Helen: You don’t look very well, Annie.
Annie: I feel fine.
Helen: Are you sure, it wasn’t that grey kind of lamb? Or you ate a lot of that weird chicken, was it that?
[Annie looking sicker by the minute shakes her head]
Annie: No. I’m, I feel fine.
Helen: I think you’d feel just better if you threw up.
Annie: I don’t, I don’t have to throw up.
Helen: You’re not sick?
Annie: No.
Helen: No?
[Annie looking really sick and sweaty]
Annie: In fact, Helen, I’m hungry and I wish I had a snack.
Helen: You’re hungry?
Annie: I’m starving.
[whilst taking a dump in the handwash basin in the bridal store toilet]
Megan: [shouting] What did we eat?
[Becca finished just being sick in the toilet looks at Megan]
Becca: What are you doing?
Megan: It’s coming out of me like lava!
[to Lillian whose ran out of the bridal store into the street to find a bathroom but is too late]
Whitney: Oh, no! Don’t you dare ruin that dress!
Helen: Boy, you really doing it, aren’t ya? You’re just shitting in the street.
[driving Lillian home after the bridesmaids fitting incident with everyone getting sick]
Annie: You okay?
Lillian: I just took a shit in the middle of the street. I just shit.
Annie: People do that.
Lillian: I shit. I shit in my shorts. I shit myself.
[after they’ve just had sex]
Annie: You know, I was thinking, you should come with me to Lillian’s wedding, maybe? Not like, not like that. Not like anything serious, but just like a fun time, you know? We can get dressed up and we can go dancing and have a drink. It’ll be fun, right?
Ted: No, honey. I don’t want you to make you have to explain to all those people what our relationship is. You know, that would suck for you. Right?
Annie: Oh, yeah. I guess so.
Ted: I’m just thinking of you.
Annie: I have someone else I can ask, anyway.
Ted: Really?
Annie: Yeah.
Ted: Who?
Annie: Um, this guy George.
[she watches him as he drinks from his glass of water]
Annie: George Glass.
Ted: Okay. Who is this George?
Annie: He is a very hot, nice guy, who likes me a lot and would probably love to be my date.
Ted: Really?
Annie: Mm-hmm.
Ted: Well, let me ask you this. Can this George Glass do this to you?
[he puts his hand on her breast and cups and squeezes rolling it several times]
Annie: Probably.
Ted: You know it’s getting really late. You should probably go. I’m going to miss you so much.
[he rolls over to fall asleep]
[seeing Annie looking sad]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You want to talk to a cop about it? We’re just like priests. Accept we can tell everybody about it afterwards.
Annie: [laughing] Oh!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I won’t though.
Annie: Doesn’t sound very inviting.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Ooph! That sounds rough.
Annie: It’s going to get better, right?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I wouldn’t have thought so. You know, my sister was a maid of honor at our cousins wedding and she found it so stressful her hair started falling out.
Annie: That’s terrible!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. It grew back. But it was pretty gross.
[picking up an ugly looking carrot from the bag of carrots]
Annie: Ew!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Oh! You got the ugly carrot!
Annie: What?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: There’s one in every bag! You have to eat it. It’s good luck.
Annie: I’m not eating this!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah! I’ll eat it.
Annie: This is a lucky carrot?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah.
[as he goes to eat the carrot Annie stops him]
Annie: No! Don’t eat it! Don’t eat it! Don’t eat it!
[she takes it from him and throws it on the ground]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Well, don’t litter! I’ll fine you.
Annie: I’m sorry.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You know what? Actually I’m going to pick it up.
Annie: Oh.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: It really bothers me.
Annie: I’m sorry.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I’m sorry. It’s just I’m anal about that kind of thing.
Annie: I didn’t know that you could be a cop here, if you weren’t a citizen.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You can’t.
Annie: No?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: No. No, you can’t. But they made a special dispensation because I’m so tough and strong.
Annie: Oh, right!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And handsome.
Annie: Oh, okay! You’re pretty, you’re pretty tough.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I am tough.
Annie: You’re a tough, you’re a tough cop.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re saying it, but you’re laughing.
Annie: No, you’re, you’re…
[she feels his bicep]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You didn’t let me flex that time. That was unfair. I’m really tough.
[calls Annie after Annie has sent email about her idea on the bachelorette party]
Helen: I just got your email. Um, lake house?
Annie: Yeah, um. Well, it’s you know, it’s Lillian’s parents house. We used to go there all the time, in the summers and everything. It’s wonderful.
Helen: A bachelorette in a cabin?
[she hears the beep of a call waiting]
Annie: Oh, wait! Can you, can you hold that thought? Hold on.
Helen: Hello?
[to herself as she goes to answer the call waiting]
Annie: Fucking Helen!
[on the phone]
Rita: Listen, I need a trip that I can fantasize forever, so that I’m able to have sex with my husband. That’s why I’m thinking, Vegas.
Annie: Vegas?
Rita: Hang on.
[she turns to shout at her kids in the background making noise]
Rita: Hey! Shut your filthy fucking mouth!
[to Annie]
Rita: I’m sorry. I’m surrounded by savages.
[she hears the beep of caller waiting]
Annie: Ah! You know what? I should probably run, my other line is ringing.
Rita: You know I can get cocaine from my hairdresser.
Annie: It’s okay. Bye!
[on the phone]
Becca: I’m so excited! Helen just called, she said we can go to Vegas.
Annie: You know, just, yeah, but we have to, we have to fly there.
Becca: Okay, Annie. I know you’re afraid of flying, but I want to see Chris Angel. But I’m scared. Which I sort of love.
[she hears the beep of another caller waiting]
Annie: Can you just hold on for one second.
Becca: Oh! Sure! Sure! Sure! Sure! Take your time.
[on the phone]
Megan: Just had some thoughts about the bachelorette party. Okay, here we go! Easy peasy, Vegas it is!
Annie: Helen called you, didn’t she?
Megan: Yeah. She got the jump on you.
[on the phone to Annie]
Rita: I want balls in my face.
Megan: No carry-on huh?
Air Marshall Jon: No.
Megan: Yeah, I noticed. I noticed you didn’t put anything in the overhead bin either. I get it. I get it. I want you to know, uh, protect and serve Air Marshall style.
Air Marshall Jon: What?
Megan: I don’t want to infringe on your privacy, man. I just, um, I really appreciate what you do for this country. And I respect the hell out of out of you.
Air Marshall Jon: That’s great. I’m not an Air Marshall. I’m going to take a nap.
Megan: Awesome.
Air Marshall Jon: Cool.
Megan: I’ll take the first watch.
Air Marshall Jon: I’m not an Air Marshall. There’s no, you don’t need to take the watch.
Megan: Okay.
[then she whispers]
Megan: I’ve got the first watch.
[on the plane to Vegas]
Annie: Oh, gosh! I am, uh, really hoping this flight just, is quick and we get there on the ground safely. I’m not a good flyer. I’m sorry.
Nervous Woman on Plane: I had a dream last night that we went down. Yep. It was terrible. You were in it.
Annie: What?!
[they hear the noise of plane’s engines]
Nervous Woman on Plane: Oh, God! Sounds like something is happening.
Rita: I can’t believe you’ve never been with anybody else!
Becca: Just Kevin.
Rita: [laughing] Oh God! I’m sorry, I just, Becca, I just can’t help but feel bad for you. You don’t even know what you want!
Megan: I gotta know where you keep the gun, man. I mean, is it ankle, hip, lower back? You don’t, between the cheeks do you?
Air Marshall Jon: No, I don’t stick a gun up my butt! I mean, that’s stupid!
Megan: I didn’t say up. I just know of a guy, that got a lot of undercover work, and all I know was he had tape marks all up and down his cheeks.
Air Marshall Jon: That can’t be true! People don’t keep guns up their asses, because if you needed to use it, how are you going to get it?!
Megan: He cut a hole in his pocket.
Air Marshall Jon: What?
Megan: It was, it was in his back pocket. You’ve gotta get something out of your ass, and you cut a hole in the back of your jeans, you want to tell me you can’t get to something?
Air Marshall Jon: I don’t have gun for you to put up my ass to make your point!
Megan: I can put my nano. I will show you.
[holds up her iPod nano]
Megan: I will, if you get me scissors, I will cut a hole in my pocket and I, you’ll never find this again until I want you to find it.
Becca: Kevin can only have sex in bed, in the dark, under the covers, only after we’ve showered separately! And sometimes, by the time we’re finished cleaning ourselves, he’s too tired. I’m, and then I pretend I’m tired, but I’m not tired. I’m not tired! I’m not tired!
Rita: That’s why every girl needs those slutty college years. To experiment, get it out of your system. Find out what you like.
Becca: So you don’t even have sex anymore?
Rita: Oh, no! I have, I have sex constantly. The sex is constant. But he hasn’t kissed me in five years.
Becca: What are you doing when you’re having sex then?
Rita: Thinking about other things and wishing it would stop. You know, sometimes I just want to watch the daily show without him entering me.
[drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class]
Annie: This should be open, cause it’s civil rights. This is the nineties.
Flight Attendant Steve: Right. It’s not. You’re in the wrong decade.
Annie: You are.
Flight Attendant Steve: Okay, I am.
[to a drunk Annie who’s sneaked back onto first class after being kicked out back to coach]
Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can’t get anywhere in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You’re setting me up for a loss already.
Flight Attendant Steve: Okay, thank you.
[pointing to his name badge as she gets out of her seat]
Annie: Whatever you say, Stove!
Flight Attendant Steve: It’s Steve.
Annie: Stove! What kind of a name is that?
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, that’s not my name. My name is Steve.
Annie: Are you an appliance?
Flight Attendant Steve: No. I’m a man and my name is Steve.
Annie: You’re a flight attendant.
Flight Attendant Steve: That’s absolutely accurate.
[stops Jon as he comes out of the airplane rest room]
Megan: Hey, not Air Marshall Jon. You want to get back in that rest room and not rest?
Air Marshall Jon: No. I have to get back to my seat.
Megan: Yeah, you gotta get back on my seat.
[she hums a little tune]
Megan: You get it?
Air Marshall Jon: No. I think, yeah! I definitely got it.
[to Rita as they are both getting more and more drunk]
Becca: You’re more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
Annie: All the girls hate me right now.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re like the maid of dishonor!
Annie: I just wish that things were the way that they used to be, you know? I feel like, her life is going off and getting perfect and mine is just like…
[she pulls a face]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: It’ll turn around you know.
Annie: I’ve been hearing that for a long time.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: It’s going to turn around, I just know it.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You gotta bake!
Annie: I don’t want to do that anymore. I told you, it’s gone.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Why?
Annie: I don’t know. It’s just, I don’t know. After it just went under, I just kind of stopped I guess. It doesn’t make me happy anymore.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Just cause you didn’t make any money at it, doesn’t mean that you failed at it.
Annie: Lost a lot of money. All my money.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re so good at it.
Annie: Oh, well. Let’s change the subject. No more baking! I’m done.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I don’t know how you just can’t do it anymore. If I wasn’t a cop anymore, I would still go out…
[laughing]
Annie: Arrest?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: …with a gun and shoot people. I probably wouldn’t do that. I’m just wanted to make you feel better.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re okay, you know?
Annie: You don’t know me very well.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I know you well enough to know that you’re not so bad. You got some stuff.
Annie: Oh, yeah.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. You got bits and pieces going on. I’ve been thinking about you a little bit.
Annie: About me, really?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: There’s something about you. Something about you that sticks.
[the morning after they’ve slept together]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [awkwardly] So, last night was fun.
Annie: It was. It was very fun. I had fun.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: It was fun. If you care to accompany me to the kitchen, the fun may continue!
Annie: Oh!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Different kind of fun.
Annie: Oh!
[after Annie enters the kitchen to see Nathan has put out baking items]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re workshop awaits! I know it’s a bit crazy, but I popped out and I got a few little baking bits and pieces. Butter, milk. Cause I thought that it’s be fun for us to bake together today! I mean, obviously you will be doing the baking. I will be doing the eating, because you are the expert.
Annie: Yeah. I don’t, I don’t really want to, sorry! You went to all this trouble, but…
Come, on! I know you haven’t done it in a while. But it’ll be great! Don’t be silly! Just get in to it! You’re so good at it!
[leaving a message on Lillian’s cell phone]
Annie: Hey, Lil. Uh, it’s me. Um, I’m sure you’re probably still a little bit at me, but I hope not! Anyway, um, the excitement still continues with me. Uh, I just slept with the cop that pulled me over and woke up today and he was really sweet and nice and cute. So naturally I ran out as fast as I could! What’s wrong with me?! Um, anyway, I know you’re busy and stuff. So, uh, just call me when you get a chance. Uh, I’d love to talk this out with you when you can. Okay, bye.
[at the jewelry store Annie works in a young wants to buy her best friend a gift]
Girl in Jewelry Store: I want to get her a necklace that says ‘best friends forever’.
Annie: Are you sure you want it to say ‘forever’?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Yeah. Why?
Annie: Come on, forever?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Forever.
Annie: I don’t think you guys will be best friends forever. No offense, but you know? The friends you have when you’re younger are sometimes, sometimes you grow apart. You know, when you get older maybe she’ll find a new best friend. And maybe she’ll be more successful than you are and prettier and richer and skinnier. And they end up doing everything together!
Girl in Jewelry Store: You’re weird.
Annie: I’m not weird. Okay?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
Annie: No, I’m not! And you started it.
Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Zanax this morning?
Annie: God, I feel bad for your parents.
Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
Annie: Okay. Well, call me when your boobs come in.
Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
Annie: What, do you have four boyfriends?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
Annie: Yeah, okay. Have fun having a baby at your prom.
Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
Annie: You know what? You’re not as popular as you think you are.
Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
Annie: Oh, I’m sure you are…
[Annie sticks her tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio]
Annie: …very popular!
Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you’re an old, single loser who’s never going to have any friends.
Annie: You’re a little cunt!
[suddenly her boss and the man he’s serving look over in shock at Annie]
Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.
Annie: What? What do, what you do you mean? I don’t get it.
Gil: Well, the thing is, we decided that it was actually a bit immature for a grown up brother and sister to still be living together with a roommate.
Brynn: Yeah!
Gil: At our age! A bit ridiculous, isn’t it?
Brynn: Yeah!
Gil: We look a bit silly, don’t we?
Brynn: Pathetic!
Gil: Yeah!
[looking at Annie]
Gil: So we’re actually going to live together, alone. Without you.
Brynn: You’re moving out.
[Annie sits in silence looking at them after they’ve told her to move out]
Brynn: She’s not moving.
Gil: She will move.
Brynn: Eventually.
Gil: Eventually.
Brynn: She has to.
Gil: She’s taking it in.
[touching Annie’s leg]
Gil: You have to leave.
[referring to Annie’s leg]
Brynn: Ooh! That’s prickly!
[to her mom as she’s getting her stuff to move back home]
Annie: Remember when you though I hit bottom? That wasn’t bottom!
[at Lillian’s shower party, after Helen has given her gift of taking Lillian to Paris]
Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?!
[everyone suddenly goes quite]
Annie’s Mom: Annie!
Annie: No, mom! Motherfucking Paris?!
Lillian: Annie, what are you doing?
Annie: I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
Lillian: Annie, calm down.
Annie: No, Lillian! What are you going to go, are you going to go to Paris with Helen now? What, are you, are you guys going to ride around on bikes with beret’s and fucking baguettes in the basket, in the front of your bikes? Oh, how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it, aren’t we?
Becca: I’m not.
Annie: Okay. Yes, we’re all thinking it! Right?
[shouting and referring to the giant heart shaped cookie outside on the lawn of Helen’s mansion]
Annie: Look at this shower? Look at that fucking cookie? Did you really think that this group of women was going to finish that cookie? Really? Oh, and you know what? That reminds me actually. I never got a chance to try that fucking cookie!
[steps outside]
[shouting to Annie as she is destroying the decoration at Lillian’s shower]
Lillian: Have you lost your fucking mind?! What are you doing?
Annie: What am I doing? You know what? You wouldn’t know, would you? Where have you been? You have no idea! Let me fill you in, okay? Ever since you got engaged, everything’s turned to shit!
Lillian: You know what? This is supposed to be about my time! You have managed to ruin every event in my wedding! Thank you very much!
Annie: Okay! Well, thank you very much! It’s all her fault.
[points to Helen]
Annie: It is not mine! And you would know that if you got your beautiful haired head out of your asshole! In fact, out of her asshole! Which I’m sure is perfectly bleached!
Lillian: Yes! You know what? It is! And you know how I know? Cause I went to the fucking salon with her and I got my asshole bleached too! And I love my new asshole!
Lillian: You know what? Why can’t you just be happy for me, and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?!
Annie: I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you. I wish you well. I won’t bother you anymore!
Lillian: Anybody else have anything they want to share today?
[Megan puts up her hand to speak]
Megan: I took two dogs already. They’re in the back of my van.
[after Annie’s had her car crashed into]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: This didn’t happen because of Helen. This happened because you didn’t get your tail lights fixed. It’s pretty simple. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to see you night by night drive past me with your fucking tail lights still broken?! Do you have any idea how crazy that makes me? It’s a simple solution! You’re problem, Annie, is that you just don’t understand that you can hurt people! With these broken lights! Don’t you see how irresponsible this is?
Annie: Yes, I should have gotten my fucking tail lights fixed. But I didn’t, okay! I didn’t!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Listen, don’t worry about it. Seriously. Your message was received.
[Ted drives up and stops in front of Annie and Nathan as they’re arguing]
Ted: Boom! What’s up, fuck buddy? Called for some road side assistance?
[Annie doesn’t answer]
Ted: Thanks, officer. I can handle it from here on out.
[Nathan looks at Ted then turns to Annie]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Come on!
[he turns and walks back towards his car]
Annie: I just, I didn’t have anyone else to call! I didn’t know you were going to show up!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: That’s the problem with cops, Annie! We’re just never there when you need us!
[driving Annie home]
Ted: You know, you look tired. If you’re tired, you can totally lay down on my lap, if you want.
Annie: What?
Ted: Just take a little lap nap.
[he gives Annie a knowing look and points to his penis]
Ted: If you want? Open for biz.
Annie: Okay. Can you just, can you just pull over?
Ted: Oh, yeah! Actually, that’s an even better idea.
Annie: No! No! No! Can you please just stop the car? I want to get out.
Ted: No! It’s super gravely!
Annie: Please pull over!
Ted: Why?
Annie: Because I would rather get murdered out here than spend the next half an hour with you! Can you please, can you please just pull over?
Ted: Come on, Annie! It’s called humor! Learn about it. Besides, I would never last a half hour!
[as Annie gets out of his car and starts walking]
Ted: You know, if you’re trying to turn me on, it’s working!
[she ignores him and keep on walking]
Ted: You used me! No big deal!
[shouts out to her as he drives away from her]
Ted: You are no longer my number three!
Megan: I think you’re ready now to hear a little story about a girl named Megan. Girl named Megan that didn’t have a very good time in high school. I’m referring to myself. When I say Megan, it’s me Megan.
Annie: Yeah, I got it.
Megan: I know you look at me now and think, boy she must have breezed through high school. Not the case, Annie.
[pointing to herself]
Megan: No, this was not easy going up and down the halls. Okay? They used to try to blow me up. They threw fire crackers at my head. Fire crackers. I mean literally. I’m not saying that figuratively. I got fire crackers thrown at my head. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that break me? Think I went home to my mommy crying; ‘Oh, I don’t have any friends. Oh, Megan doesn’t have any friends.’ No, I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up. I studied really hard. I read every book in the library and now I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that!
Annie: I won’t.
Megan: I can’t protect you. I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes.
Megan: You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you, if you’d notice! Huh? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay? Cause I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems. Cause you’re your problem, Annie. And you’re also your solution. Right? I mean that’s, you get that?
Annie: Yeah. I just miss her I guess.
Megan: Yeah, I know you do. I know you do. All right, com on? Bring it in. There’s the Annie.
[she hugs Annie]
Megan: There’s the Annie I knew was there, Okay? All right. Man, you gotta wash your hair!
Annie: I’m sorry.
Megan: You gotta wash that hair.
[as Helen is crying]
Annie: This is the first time I’ve ever seen you look ugly, and that makes me kind of happy.
Helen: I look ugly? No, I don’t! I don’t really look ugly, do I?
Annie: You’re an ugly crier, but that’s okay.
Helen: No, I’m not really and ugly crier.
Annie: Okay, maybe just a little bit.
Helen: No.
Annie: Just a little bit.
Annie: I really need your help. We can’t find Lillian.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: How long has she been gone?
Annie: She’s been missing for like, twelve hours.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Twelve hours! It’s not a missing person until it’s at least twenty four hours. Have you ever seen CSI? Twenty four hours!
[to Annie after Nathan has traced the address Lillian has used her cell phone at]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re saying she’s at her apartment? That’s what you’re telling me?
[to Helen]
Annie: She must have gone back after you left.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [sarcastically] God, that was crazy of her.
[after finding out that Lillian is at her apartment]
Annie: I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to waste your time. That’s embarrassing. Thank you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [sarcastically] No. You are welcome. This is the kind of high up there end stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment. It’s adrenaline pinching.
Lillian: I’m sorry I kicked you out of my wedding. It’s my fault.
Annie: No, it’s my fault. I think I’m the one with the mental problems.
Lillian: Yeah! Wasn’t it my turn to be crazy?
Annie: Yes.
Lillian: The brides supposed to be crazy, right?
Annie: Technically.
Lillian: You kind of stole all the crazy.
[explaining why she ran away back to her apartment]
Lillian: I realized this is the last time I’m going to be here, in this apartment. With that couch. And this bed. And take a bath in my bath tub, cause you know how much I love my bath tub.
Annie: It’s a good tub. I slept in there on my thirtieth birthday.
Lillian: What’s going to happen to you?
Annie: I’m going to be fine. So don’t worry, okay? I’m going to be, I’m going to be fine. I am fine. And besides, you need to blaze the trail for me and then report back and tell me what’s coming.
Lillian: Whatever you say, boss.
Helen: It was really nice meeting you.
Annie: It was Helen, it was really nice meeting you too. Hey, you know, maybe, sometime, the three of us could go to Rock’N Sushi together.
Helen: Oh, thank you, Annie. I would love that.
[they hug]
Helen: You’re ride’s here.
[Annie turns and sees Nathan standing by his police car]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So I ate your cake. That you left.
Annie: You did?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. I mean, I had to fight some raccoons off. But, that’s okay. I’m pretty strong and tough, so it wasn’t much of a contest. So, that might have been, I’m just going to kiss you now rather just…
[he comes forward and kisses her]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Oh, I’m on duty!. And I need to put my uniform on. If I drive like this they’re going to think I just stole the car. Which wouldn’t be great. You could ride with me, if you want? You want to come?
Annie: Yeah, I do.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Come on.
Annie: All right.
[she goes to get in the front passenger seat]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Woh! Woh! Woh! Where are you going?
Annie: I’m getting in the car.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: No! No! No! You gotta get in the back.
Annie: What?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. You can’t sit in the front. It’s against regulations. Come on! Come on!
Annie: You’re going to make me sit in the back seat?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah! Come on!
[as she goes to get in the back seat he puts his hand on her head like a criminal]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Sorry! Habit.
Annie: All right
Officer Nathan Rhodes: It’s a force of habit.
[last lines]
Annie: Can I please get in the front seat?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Actually, no. There’s a warrant out for your arrest.
Annie: What? Why?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Uh, reckless driving. littering. Texting. Consuming alcohol while operating a vehicle. You didn’t think I was going to let you get away with that, did you?
Annie: Can we put the siren on? Please?
[he put the siren on]
Annie: Thank you.
Total Quotes: 116
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