Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Melissa McCarthy, Rose Byrne , Chris O’Dowd, Jill Clayburgh, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Ellie Kemper, Jon Hamm, Joe Nunez, Rebel Wilson, Matt Lucas, Greg Tuculescu, Franklyn Ajaye, Tim Heidecker, Lynne Marie Stewart, Andy Buckley, Jessica St. Clair
OUR RATING: ★★★★☆
Comedy directed by Paul Feig and co-written by Kristen Wiig. Bridesmaids (2011) follows Annie (Kristen Wiig), a single woman whose life is a mess, but when she learns that her best friend, Lillian (Maya Rudolph), is engaged, she has no choice but to serve as the maid of honor. Though lovelorn and broke, Annie, nevertheless, winds her way through the strange and expensive rituals. Determined to make things perfect, she gamely leads Lillian and the other bridesmaids down the wild road to the wedding.
Our Favorite Quotes:
Ted: [to Annie, the next morning after spending the night together] Wow, this is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a d**k.
Lillian: [to Annie, after she’s told she spent the night with Ted] Here’s what I don’t like about it, you hate yourself after you see him. Every time. And then we go through this, and you feel like s**t. And it’s almost like you’re doing it because you feel bad about yourself.
Lillian: [referring to Ted] Ew! You had sex with him.
Annie: We had an adult sleepover.
Lillian: Oh! Did you let him sleepover in your mouth? Annie!
Annie: I’m sorry!
Lillian: You’re unbelievable.
Annie: He kept like putting it near my face.
Lillian: They do that, don’t they?
Annie: Why do they do that? Let us offer.
Annie: If we don’t offer…
Lillian: You’re supposed to slap it away.
Annie: I couldn’t!
Annie: [referring to Ted’s d**k] You don’t want to look right at it.
Lillian: I know!
Annie: It’s too aggressive.
Annie: [referring to Ted] He’s so hot though!
Lillian: Look, I know you say he’s cute, and all that stuff. But he makes you feel like s**t, you know? You’re a total catch, and any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for somebody who’s nice to you.
Annie: You know what? He’s honest. He told me that we are what we are, and we’re just having fun. And I like that!
Lillian: He also told you that you need dental work. He’s an a**hole!
Annie: [helping a couple choose an engagement ring] You guys love each other, huh?
Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Oh, that’s sweet. That will go away. You cannot trust anybody. Ever. Especially someone you’re in a relationship with, you know? Because they’re living with you, you don’t know who you’re sleeping next to. It is scary! I mean, look at him? He may not even be Asian. It’s scary! So did you guys want to look at these engagement rings?
Male Jewelry Store Couple: We’re going to browse.
Female Jewelry Store Couple: Yeah.
Annie: Okay. Sure. I’ll be here
Don Cholodecki: Show me your “love is eternal” face.
Don Cholodecki: [as Annie pulls a face] No. That’s two years. Four years, tops. That is not eternal.
Kahlua: What’s up, Don-Don?
Don Cholodecki: You make up the best nicknames. You don’t need a nickname because Kahlua is so delicious.
Don Cholodecki: [as he touches her arm] Don’t sue me for touching you. Show Annie your “love is eternal” face.
Don Cholodecki: [Kahlua strikes a pose, to Annie as she tries to copy it] That looks like you have menstrual cramps.
'You should just make room for somebody who's nice to you.' - Lillian (Bridesmaids) Click To Tweet
Brynn: I got a free tattoo.
Annie: You did what?
Brynn: I could not believe it. The guy said, “Do you want a tattoo?”
Annie: Just a random…?
Brynn: Yeah. Opened up the side of his van.
Brynn: He said, “It’s for free!” And I said, “Sure.”
Annie: You said yes?
Brynn: Yeah! Yeah! Look.
[she pulls up her shirt to reveal an infected looking giant tattoo]
Brynn: [referring to her tattoo] It’s a Mexican drinking worm. It’s a Native American symbol meaning “wasted”.
Annie: [after Lillian reveals she’s engaged to Doug] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I just got hot!
Lillian: You did?
Lillian: You okay?
Annie: Yeah. My pits are sweating.
Lillian: What does that mean?
Annie: I don’t know. I’m hot. Oh, my God! Aahh! What is happening?
Lillian: I don’t know! I’m wearing a ring.
Annie’s Mom: I signed up to speak at AA tonight and I just have to.
Annie’s Mom: No! I forgot. I’m sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Annie: Mom, I keep telling you, you’re not supposed to go to those things. You know, you’re not an alcoholic.
Annie’s Mom: Well, only because I’ve never had a drink.
Annie’s Mom: And I have been thinking, honey, that maybe, this is your bottom. I’m telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing.
Annie’s Mom: Because there’s nowhere to go but up. Right?
Annie: Well, I guess I’m going to Lillian’s party by myself then.
Annie’s Mom: Oh, don’t talk to me about being by yourself. I go everywhere by myself. Well, you know, thanks to that new whore, Barb. You know?
Annie: Mom! Come on!
Annie’s Mom: No, I don’t like to say it.
Annie: They’ve been married twelve years.
Annie’s Mom: Oh, okay. But she’s still a whore. You know, I’m sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first.
Annie: I don’t want to think about that.
Annie’s Mom: You sure you don’t want to move in with me?
Annie: Oh, Mom, thanks. But no way! No way in hell!
Annie’s Mom: No?
Annie: I mean, no thanks.
Annie’s Mom: Think about it.
Annie’s Mom: You don’t need your own place.
Annie: Yeah, well. I kind of do.
Lillian: [referring to Rita’s three sons] They’re so cute.
Rita: They are cute. But when they reach that age, oh, disgusting! They smell! They’re sticky! They say things that are horrible. And there is semen all over everything, okay? Disgusting! I cracked a blanket in half! Do you get where I’m going with that?
Annie: I do. Yeah.
Rita: I cracked it in half!
Becca: [referring to the older man standing behind Annie] Is this your husband?
Annie: No. No. No! No! I don’t know him. I’m sorry.
Annie’s Mistaken Husband: Do you want to go for a walk later?
Annie: Oh! I can’t.
Annie’s Mistaken Husband: Alright.
Annie: I can’t. I’m sorry.
Annie: I’m not with anybody. I’m here solo.
Becca: Let’s start it again.
Becca: I’m Becca. This is my husband. You don’t have a husband! Sorry.
'You need to maybe think about putting a note on your door saying, “Do not come into my room, read my diary, and wear my clothes.”' - Brynn (Bridesmaids) Click To Tweet
Megan: [after being introduced to Annie] I just fell off a crew ship.
Megan: But I’m back.
Annie: Oh, s**t!
Megan: Yeah, “Oh, shit.” Yeah, “Oh, shit.” Took a hard, hard violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings. Broke a lot of s**t. I didn’t, I’m not going to say I survived. I say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. Into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, “I’m saving you, Megan.” Not with his mouth, but he said it, I’m assuming telepathically. We had a connection that I don’t even know if I can exp… Oh, Jesus!
Megan: [referring to the older man standing next to Annie] You must be Annie’s fella? I’m Megan. It’s a pleasure.
Annie: Oh, he’s not, I’m not, he’s not, I’m not with him.
Megan: Oh! Alright! I’m glad he’s single, because I’m going to climb that like a tree.
Annie: [engagement speech to Lillian after Helen’s speech] I just wanted to say really quick that, you’re so special to me, because, well, one of the reasons is because I’ve known you my whole entire life. And you’ve really help shape who I am. I just want to thank you for, carefully, selecting me as your maid of honor. I know you had some other choices, but you’re like my sister, and I love you. Well, that concludes the speeches for the night.
Helen: [giving another engagement speech] One last thing. It’s rare to meet someone as an adult who you really connect with. And that’s you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry. And there’s a beautiful saying that I learned there.
Helen: [gives the speech in Thai] It means, “You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without, and I hope, and I pray that I never have to.” Khob-kun-Ka. Khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that’s it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
Annie: So what’s up with her anyway, with Helen?
Annie: Well, I’m just like, I don’t know, she’s in your wedding, and you’ve only known her like eight months though, right? Come on!
Lillian: Get it out. Get it all out.
Annie: Well, I’m just, like the whole gown, the ooh! You know, things. Weird, right?
Lillian: You know what? She’s actually really cool, Annie. She’s a good one. I’m telling you.
Annie: Well, I’m sure if you like her, I will like her.
Lillian: You have to just get to know her.
Annie: [demonstrating walking in a straight line] See? Okay. Not drunk. Told you!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re just a terrible sober driver?
'Why can't you just be happy for me, and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?' - Lillian (Bridesmaids) Click To Tweet
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [referring to her bakery] I used to get served by this tall, kind of a broad guy, like a wormy face.
Annie: Oh, yeah. That’s my boyfriend.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Sorry.
Annie: Oh! No! No! No! He was my boyfriend. And then he left me when the business went under. So, anyway.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re kidding? What a d**k! I’m glad I never tipped him.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [gives her a business card] And I’m going to give you this. It’s a buddy of mine. He has a bodyshop in Milwaukee. He’ll fix those right up for you.
Annie: [reading the name on the card] Bill Cozbi?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. With a Z. Different guy.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And don’t mention the whole “Bill Cosby” thing to him. It drives him nuts. I mean it.
Helen: [referring to Lillian playing tennis] Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It’s funny how people change, isn’t it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Do people really change?
Helen: I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean, like still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you’re growing, then you’re changing.
Annie: But I mean, we’re changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don’t think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don’t.
Helen: Oh, Annie, these are my kids.
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Step kids. Step!
Helen: They’re so hilarious!
Helen: Excuse me, my husband’s kids. What are you guys up to?
Helen’s Stepdaughter: Going to the snack bar.
Helen: Awesome. You need a ride home later?
Helen’s Stepson: F*** off, Helen.
Helen: Okay. Put a quarter in the swear jar. Good to see you! They’re so cute!
Annie: Sweet kids.
'You're your problem. And you're also your solution.' - Megan (Bridesmaids) Click To Tweet
Helen’s Stepson: [as he watches Helen and Annie play tennis] I’ve seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.
Gil: [after Annie suggest that Brynn needs to pay rent] She’s on a tourist visa.
Brynn: Yeah. So technically I’m only allowed to tour.
Annie: Well, you know…
Brynn: I have no way of earning money. Unless I just go and prostitute down on the street.
Annie: I don’t want you to do that. No.
Brynn: “Hello, fellas. Here I am. Put you’re American sausage in my English McMuffin.”
Gil: No. But we did that.
Annie: Okay. I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore.
Annie: You read my journal?
Brynn: At first I did not know that it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Annie: What? That doesn’t make any sense
Brynn: But then, because of the deep personal details, and the bits that mentioned Gil and Brynn.
Gil: And the crumbs.
Annie: No! No! No! Don’t read my journal! Don’t go in my room!
Gil: Well, hello! I think before you make those sort of demands, you need to maybe think about putting a note on your door saying, “Do not come into my room, read my diary, and wear my clothes.”
Becca: [at the Brazilian restaurant] Helen, aren’t you eating any meat?
Helen: Oh, it’s not good to eat a big meal before a fitting, you know? Feel a bit bloated, so.
Megan: Not me.
Megan: No. Physically I don’t bloat.
Lillian: You’re lucky.
Megan: It’s a gift.
Becca: I can’t wait to be married for as long as you have been married. And to have kids. To be a mom.
Rita: The other night I’m slaving away, making a beautiful dinner for my family. My youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. I said, “No, we’re not ordering pizza tonight.” He goes, “Mom, why don’t you go and f*** yourself!” He’s nine!
Helen: [after Annie has proposed a French themed bridal shower] I don’t know. It’s really cute, but I feel like personally, the Paris theme is a bit, “Been there, done that.” I just feel like we could top it. We should throw some ideas around, see, you know, if anyone else has like a theme they had in mind, or something they’d been thinking of.
Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? We all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character.
Megan: That, and I’ll just snowball on top of that also Fight Club. Female Fight Club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn’t know, so it’s, “Surprise! We’re going to fight!” We beat the s**t out of her. She’s not going to forget that. We just f***ing attack.
Rita: I’m at home with three boys all day, every day. What about the bachelorette party? That’s what’s more important. I’ve got a new tube top, I want to cut the tags off. I’d like to take advantage of this opportunity. Where are we going?
Megan: I’m going to second her. We better blow this s**t out. That poor girl, Lillian, who we’re all here for, is in the bathroom probably balling her f***ing eyes out. Because she’s realizing, “Holy shit! I’ve got to spend the rest of my life with Doug.” He’s my brother. I love him. But he’s a f***ing a**hole. I think we can all agree on that, right?
Megan: [as they walk into the bridal store] Oh, man! This is some classy s**t here…
Rita: [as Megan suddenly burps] Jesus, Megan!
Megan: I’m sorry. I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.
Megan: That’s a dress. That dress is so pretty it makes my stomach hurt.
Rita: [as they all start feeling sick in the bridal store] You know, I don’t really care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!
Helen: You’re not sick?
Annie: [looking really sick and sweaty] In fact, Helen, I’m hungry and I wish I had a snack.
Helen: You’re hungry?
Annie: I’m starving.
Megan: [whilst taking a dump in the handwash basin in the bridal store toilet] What did we eat? The sink is a goner.
Becca: What are you doing?
Megan: It’s coming out of me like lava!
Whitney: [as Lillian runs out of the bridal store] Oh, no! Don’t you dare ruin that dress!
Helen: Boy, you really doing it, aren’t you? You’re just s**tting in the street.
Annie: You okay?
Lillian: I just took a s**t in the middle of the street. I just s**t.
Annie: People do that.
Lillian: I s**t. I s**t in my shorts. I s**t myself.
Ted: [after Annie invites him to be her plus one for Lillian’s wedding] No, honey. I don’t want you to make you have to explain to all those people what our relationship is. You know, that would suck for you. Right?
Annie: Oh, yeah. I guess so.
Ted: I’m just thinking of you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You want to talk to a cop about it? We’re just like priests. Except we can tell everybody about it afterwards.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I won’t though.
Annie: Doesn’t sound very inviting.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [to Annie] Planning a wedding should be fun. You know what? If I ever had a wedding, I’d want everybody to be stress-free.
Annie: I didn’t know that you could be a cop here, if you weren’t a citizen.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You can’t.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: No. No, you can’t. But they made a special dispensation because I’m so tough and strong.
Annie: Oh, right.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: And handsome.
Annie: Oh, okay. You’re pretty tough.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I am tough.
Annie: You’re a tough cop.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re saying it, but you’re laughing.
Annie: [feels his bicep] No, you’re…
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You didn’t let me flex that time. That was unfair. I’m really tough.
Rita: [over phone] Listen, I need a trip that I can fantasize forever, so that I’m able to have sex with my husband. That’s why I’m thinking, Vegas.
Rita: Hang on.
Rita: [to her kids in the background] Hey! Shut your filthy f***ing mouth!
Rita: [to Annie] I’m sorry. I’m surrounded by savages.
Megan: [over phone] Just had some thoughts about the bachelorette party. Okay, here we go! Easy peasy, Vegas it is!
Annie: Helen called you, didn’t she?
Megan: Yeah. She got the jump on you.
Rita: I want balls in my face.
Annie: [on the plane to Vegas] I am really hoping this flight is quick and we get there on the ground safely. I’m not a good flyer. I’m sorry.
Nervous Woman on Plane: I had a dream last night that we went down. Yep. It was terrible. You were in it.
Megan: I got to know where you keep the gun, man. I mean, is it ankle, hip, lower back? You don’t, between the cheeks do you?
Air Marshall Jon: No, I don’t stick a gun up my butt! I mean, that’s stupid!
Megan: I didn’t say “up”. I just know of a guy, that got a lot of undercover work. And all I know was he had tape marks all up and down his cheeks.
Air Marshall Jon: People don’t keep guns up their a**es. Because if you needed to use it, how are you going to get it?!
Megan: He cut a hole in his pocket.
Air Marshall Jon: What?
Megan: It was in his back pocket. You’ve got to get something out of your a**, and you cut a hole in the back of your jeans, you want to tell me you can’t get to something?
Air Marshall Jon: I don’t have gun for you to put up my a** to make your point!
Megan: I can put my Nano. I will show you. I will, if you get me scissors, I will cut a hole in my pocket. And you’ll never find this again until I want you to find it.
Becca: Kevin can only have sex in bed, in the dark, under the covers, only after we’ve showered separately! And sometimes, by the time we’re finished cleaning ourselves, he’s too tired. And then I pretend I’m tired, but I’m not tired. I’m not tired! I’m not tired!
Rita: That’s why every girl needs those slutty college years. To experiment, get it out of your system. Find out what you like.
Rita: [to the flight attendant] Excuse me, could I have a glass of alcohol when you get a chance?
Nervous Woman on Plane: I have to go to the bathroom. But I heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on a plane. She got sucked into the toilet. Sucked right in.
Becca: So you don’t even have sex anymore?
Rita: Oh, no! I have sex constantly. The sex is constant. But he hasn’t kissed me in five years.
Becca: What are you doing when you’re having sex then?
Rita: Thinking about other things and wishing it would stop. You know, sometimes I just want to watch The Daily Show without him entering me.
Annie: [referring to the curtain, after getting kicked out of first class on the plane] This should be open, because it’s civil rights. This is the ’90s.
Flight Attendant Steve: Right. It’s not. You’re in the wrong decade.
Annie: You are.
Flight Attendant Steve: Okay, I am.
Annie: Help me, I’m poor.
Flight Attendant Steve: You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
Annie: Oh, you can’t get anywhere in three seconds!
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, you better try.
Annie: You’re setting me up for a loss already.
Flight Attendant Steve: Okay, thank you.
Annie: [points to his name badge] Whatever you say, Stove!
Flight Attendant Steve: It’s Steve.
Annie: Stove! What kind of a name is that?
Flight Attendant Steve: Well, that’s not my name. My name is Steve.
Annie: Are you an appliance?
Flight Attendant Steve: No. I’m a man, and my name is Steve.
Annie: You’re a flight attendant.
Flight Attendant Steve: That’s absolutely accurate.
Becca: [to Rita] You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
Annie: [referring to getting kicked off the plane to Vegas because of her] All the girls hate me right now.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So, you’re like the maid of dishonor.
Annie: [referring to baking] After it just went under, I just kind of stopped I guess. It doesn’t make me happy anymore.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Just because you didn’t make any money at it, doesn’t mean that you failed at it.
Annie: Lost a lot of money. All my money.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You’re so good at it.
Annie: Oh, well. Let’s change the subject. No more baking! I’m done.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: I don’t know how you just can’t do it anymore. If I wasn’t a cop anymore, I would still go out…
Annie: Arrest people?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: With a gun and shoot people. I probably wouldn’t do that. I’m just wanted to make you feel better.
Annie: [leaving a message for Lillian] Hey, Lil. It’s me. I’m sure you’re probably still a little bit at me, but I hope not. Anyway, the excitement still continues with me. I just slept with the cop that pulled me over, and I woke up today, and he was really sweet, and nice, and cute. So, naturally I ran out as fast as I could. What’s wrong with me?! Anyway, I know you’re busy and stuff. So, just call me when you get a chance. I’d love to talk this out with you when you can. Okay, bye.
Girl in Jewelry Store: I want to get her a necklace that says “Best Friends Forever.”
Annie: Are you sure you want it to say “Forever”?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Yeah. Why?
Annie: Come on, “Forever”?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Forever.
Annie: I don’t think you guys will be best friends forever. No offense, but you know? The friends you have when you’re younger are sometimes… Sometimes you grow apart, you know, when you get older. Maybe she’ll find a new best friend. And maybe she’ll be more successful than you are, and prettier, and richer, and skinnier. And they end up doing everything together!
Girl in Jewelry Store: You’re weird.
Annie: I’m not weird. Okay?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
Annie: No, I’m not! And you started it.
Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
Annie: God, I feel bad for your parents.
Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
Annie: Okay. Well, call me when your boobs come in.
Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
Annie: What, do you have four boyfriends?
Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
Annie: Yeah, okay. Have fun having a baby at your prom.
Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
Annie: You know what? You’re not as popular as you think you are.
Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
Annie: [sticks her tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I’m sure you are. Very popular!
Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you’re an old, single loser who is never going to have any friends.
Annie: You’re a little c***!
Brynn: We’d like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore.
Annie: What? What do you mean? I don’t get it.
Gil: Well, the thing is, we decided that it was actually a bit immature for a grown up brother and sister to still be living together with a roommate.
Gil: At our age! A bit ridiculous, isn’t it?
Gil: We look a bit silly, don’t we?
Gil: Yeah. So we’re actually going to live together, alone. Without you.
Brynn: You’re moving out.
Brynn: [after they’ve told Annie she needs to move out] She’s not moving.
Gil: She will move.
Brynn: She has to.
Gil: She’s taking it in. You have to leave.
Brynn: [touching Annie’s leg] Ooh! That’s prickly!
Annie: [to her mom] Remember when you thought I hit bottom? That wasn’t bottom.
Annie: [after she arrives at Lillian’s bridal shower party] Are you f***ing kidding me?!
Annie’s Mom: Annie!
Annie: No, Mom! M**herf***ing Paris?!
Lillian: Annie, what are you doing?
Annie: I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
Lillian: Annie, calm down.
Annie: No, Lillian! What are you going to go to Paris with Helen now? What, are you guys going to ride around on bikes with beret’s and f***ing baguettes in the basket, in the front of your bikes? Oh, how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it, aren’t we?
Becca: I’m not.
Annie: Okay. Yes, we’re all thinking it! Right?
Megan: I was.
Annie: Lillian, this is not the “you” that I know. The “you” that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes, and thought this was completely over-the-top, ridiculous and stupid. Look at this shower! Look at that f***ing cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was going to finish that cookie? Really? Oh, and you know what? That reminds me actually. I never got a chance to try that f***ing cookie!
Lillian: [after Annie destroys the decorations at the bridal shower] Have you lost your f***ing mind?! What are you doing?
Annie: What am I doing? You know what? You wouldn’t know, would you? Where have you been? You have no idea! Let me fill you in, okay? Ever since you got engaged, everything’s turned to s**t!
Lillian: You know what? This is supposed to be about my time! You have managed to ruin every event in my wedding! Thank you very much!
Annie: [points to Helen] Okay! Well, thank you very much! It’s all her fault. It is not mine! And you would know that if you got your beautiful haired head out of your a**hole! In fact, out of her a**hole! Which I’m sure is perfectly bleached!
Lillian: Yes! You know what? It is! And you know how I know? Because I went to the f***ing salon with her and I got my a**hole bleached too! And I love my new a**hole!
Lillian: You know what? Why can’t you just be happy for me, and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?!
Annie: I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you. I wish you well. I won’t bother you anymore.
Lillian: [as Annie is leaving the party] No, no! She does not get a party favor. She does not get a dog! And if you are going to act like this, then don’t even bother coming to my wedding!
Helen: I’m proud of you, Lil.
Lillian: Shut up, Helen! Anybody else have anything they want to share today?
Megan: I took two dogs already. They’re in the back of my van.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [after Annie has a car accident] This didn’t happen because of Helen. This happened because you didn’t get your tail lights fixed. It’s pretty simple. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to see you, night by night, drive past me with your f***ing tail lights still broken?! Do you have any idea how crazy that makes me? It’s a simple solution! You’re problem, Annie, is that you just don’t understand that you can hurt people! With these broken lights! Don’t you see how irresponsible this is?
Annie: Yes, I should have gotten my f***ing tail lights fixed. But I didn’t, okay! I didn’t!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Listen, don’t worry about it. Seriously. Your message was received.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: For the record, Annie, you flirted with me. You made me feel like you really liked me, which was really unfair. And then you came home with me and we did stuff, fun stuff. And then you just left, just like it was nothing.
Annie: Oh, please. I know how guys do this thing. I know how guys act. One minute, it means something. The next minute, it doesn’t.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Right, yeah. You’ve got it all figured out.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: How is that working out for you? Pretty good?
Ted: [as he drives up] Boom! What’s up, f*** buddy? Called for some road side assistance? Thanks, officer. I can handle it from here on out.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [to Annie] Come on!
Annie: I just, I didn’t have anyone else to call! I didn’t know you were going to show up!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: That’s the problem with cops, Annie! We’re just never there when you need us!
Annie: Can you please just stop the car? I want to get out.
Ted: No! It’s super gravely!
Annie: Please pull over!
Annie: Because I would rather get murdered out here than spend the next half an hour with you!
Ted: [to Annie] You know, if you’re trying to turn me on, it’s working! You used me! No big deal! You are no longer my number three!
Annie: [referring to the puppies] How many of those did you take?
Megan: I took nine. Yeah, I did slightly over-commit to the whole dog thing. It turns out, I’m probably more comfortable with six. It’s a lot, that’s a lot of energy to deal with.
Megan: I think you’re ready now to hear a little story about a girl named Megan. Girl named Megan that didn’t have a very good time in high school. I’m referring to myself. When I say Megan, it’s me Megan.
Annie: Yeah, I got it.
Megan: I know you look at me now and think, “Boy, she must have breezed through high school.” Not the case, Annie. No, this was not easy going up and down the halls. Okay? They used to try to blow me up. They threw fire crackers at my head. Fire crackers. I mean literally. I’m not saying that figuratively. I got fire crackers thrown at my head. They called me a freak. Do you think I let that break me? Do you think I went home to my mommy crying, “I don’t have any friends. Megan doesn’t have any friends. “No, I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up. I studied really hard. I read every book in the library. And now, I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don’t repeat that!
Annie: I won’t.
Megan: I can’t protect you. I know where all the nukes are, and I know the codes.
Megan: You lost Lillian. You got another best friend sitting right in front of you, if you’d notice! Huh? Now, you can stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay? Because I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems. Because you’re your problem, Annie. And you’re also your solution. Right? I mean, that’s, you get that?
Annie: Yeah. I just miss her I guess.
Megan: Yeah, I know you do. I know you do. Alright, come on? Bring it in.
Megan: [hugs Annie] There’s the Annie I knew was there. Okay? Alright. Man, you got to wash your hair.
Annie: I’m sorry.
Megan: You got to wash that hair.
Annie: [after Lillian goes missing on her wedding day] This is the first time I’ve ever seen you look ugly, and that makes me kind of happy.
Helen: I look ugly? No, I don’t! I don’t really look ugly, do I?
Annie: You’re an ugly crier, but that’s okay.
Helen: No, I’m not really and ugly crier.
Annie: Okay, maybe just a little bit.
Annie: Just a little bit.
Annie: I really need your help. We can’t find Lillian.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: How long has she been gone?
Annie: She’s been missing for like twelve hours.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Twelve hours! It’s not a missing person until it’s at least twenty-four hours. Have you ever seen CSI? Twenty-four hours!
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [after Nathan helps trace Lillian] So, you’re saying she’s at her apartment? That’s what you’re telling me?
Annie: [to Helen] She must have gone back after you left.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [sarcastically] God, that was crazy of her.
Annie: [after finding out that Lillian is at her apartment] I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to waste your time. That’s embarrassing. Thank you.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: [sarcastically] No. You are welcome. This is the kind of high up there end stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment. It’s adrenaline pinching.
Lillian: I’m sorry I kicked you out of my wedding. It’s my fault.
Annie: No, it’s my fault. I think I’m the one with the mental problems.
Lillian: Yeah! Wasn’t it my turn to be crazy?
Lillian: The brides supposed to be crazy, right?
Lillian: You kind of stole all the crazy.
Lillian: [explaining why she came back to her apartment] I realized this is the last time I’m going to be here, in this apartment. With that couch. And this bed. And take a bath in my bath tub, because you know how much I love my bath tub.
Annie: It’s a good tub. I slept in there on my thirtieth birthday.
Lillian: What’s going to happen to you?
Annie: I’m going to be fine. So don’t worry, okay? I’m going to be fine. I am fine. And besides, you need to blaze the trail for me and then report back and tell me what’s coming.
Lillian: Whatever you say, boss.
Annie: [referring to Lillian’s wedding dress] We’ll fix it. We’ll tweak it. I will not let you walk down that aisle unless you look perfect and beautiful, I promise.
Lillian: Do you have a chainsaw and a blowtorch?
Annie: [after Lillian’s sets off for her honeymoon] What’s so funny?
Megan: I put a loaded gun in Dougie’s carry-on. The TSA is going to just rip his a** apart.
Helen: [after Lillian’s wedding] It was really nice meeting you.
Annie: Yeah, it was. Helen, it was really nice meeting you too. Hey, you know, maybe sometime the three of us could go to Rock’N Sushi together.
Helen: [they hug] Oh, thank you, Annie. I would love that. You’re ride is here.
[Annie turns and sees Nathan standing by his police car]
Officer Nathan Rhodes: So I ate your cake that you left.
Annie: You did?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Yeah. I mean, I had to fight some raccoons off. But, that’s okay. I’m pretty strong and tough, so it wasn’t much of a contest. So, that might have been, I’m just going to kiss you now rather just…
[he kisses her]
Annie: [after Nathan offers her to ride with him in his police car] Can I please get in the front seat?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Actually, no. There’s a warrant out for your arrest.
Annie: What? Why?
Officer Nathan Rhodes: Reckless driving. Littering. Texting. Consuming alcohol while operating a vehicle. You didn’t think I was going to let you get away with that, did you?
Annie: Can we put the siren on? Please?
Annie: [he put the siren on] Thank you.