Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Jesse Williams, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Sigourney Weaver, Tim De Zarn, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Horror comedy co-written and directed by Drew Goddard. The Cabin in the Woods (2011) centers around five stereotypical college kids, there’s the hunky jock, Curt (Chris Hemsworth), the promiscuous sexy girl, Dana (Kristen Connolly), the good girl, Jules (Anna Hutchison), the brainy one, Holden (Jesse Williams), and the goofy stoner, Marty (Fran Kranz). As they all get together and head to a remote, creepy looking cabin in the woods for vacation, they find an ancient diary in the cabin containing ominous passages in Latin and after Dana reads from the diary that then things start getting bloody horrific and weird on them.
Our Favorite Quotes:
Jules: [shows Dana a red bikini] Do you know what you’re getting into this weekend? This! And, if Holden’s as cute as Curt says he is, possibly getting out of it.
Dana: That is the last thing that I want. If you guys treat this like a setup, I’m going to have no fun at all.
Jules: I’m not pushing. But we’re packing this!
Curt: You should read, this. Gurovsky. Now, this is way more interesting. Also, Bennett doesn’t know it by heart, so he’ll think you’re insightful. And you have no pants.
Curt: [as he carries all her bags] You know, Jules it’s just the weekend, not an evacuation.
Jules: Trust me when I say that there is nothing in these cases you won’t be glad I brought.
Curt: I’m shutting right up.
Marty:[driving whilst smoking from a bong] People in this town drive in a very counter intuitive manner.
Marty: Statistical fact, cops will never pull a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they, and will bind them with ancient logics.
Marty: [referring to Jules newly dyed hair] Have you gone grey?
Curt: Look, you’re not bringing that thing into the rambler.
Marty: What? A giant bong in your father’s van? What are you, stoned?
Jules: I hope this is the right road. It doesn’t even show up on the GPS. It is unworthy of global positioning.
Marty: That’s the whole point! Get off the grid, right? No cell phone reception, no traffic cameras. Go some place for one goddamn weekend where they can’t globally position my a**.
Jules: Is society crumbling, Marty?
Marty: No, society is binding. Right? It’s filling in the cracks with concrete. Everything’s filed, or recorded, or blogged, right? Chips in our kids heads so they won’t get lost. Society needs to crumble. We’re all just too chicken s**t to let it.
Jules: I’ve missed your rants.
Marty: You will come to see things my way.
Hadley: What’s your name?
Truman: Daniel Truman, sir.
Hadley: This isn’t the military, Truman. You can drop the “sir”. But Sitterson does like to be called ma’am.
Sitterson: Or honey toes.
Hadley: He will also answer to honey toes.
'Statistical fact, cops will never pull a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they, and will bind them with ancient logics.' - Marty (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Jules: [referring to the cabin] You knew the original owners?
Mordecai: Yeah, not the first. I seen plenty come and go. Hell, I’ve been here since the war.
Jules: Which war?
Mordecai: You know damn well which war!
Marty: Would that have been with the blue and some in gray, brother perhaps fighting against brother in that war?
Mordecai: You sassing me, boy?
Curt: [referring to the cabin] This must be it.
Jules: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful. One spider and I’m sleeping in the rambler. I mean it.
Marty: [referring to the one-way mirror he discovered in the room] It was pioneer days. People had to make their own interrogation rules.
Dana: I’m still grateful that you’re not a creep.
Holden: Let’s not jump to any conclusions there. I had kind of an internal debate about showing you the mirror. Shouting on both sides, blood was spilled.
Dana: So, you’re bleeding internally.
Holden: Pretty bad.
Dana: Well, Jules is pre-Med. You should probably talk to her.
Holden: Oh, okay.
'I am never going to see a merman, ever.' - Hadley (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Lin: Do we pipe it in or do you want to do it orally?
Sitterson: Oh, ask me that again, only slower.
Lin: [after confirms something has been put in Jules’s hair dye] The hair dye.
Sitterson: Dumb blond. Very artistic.
Lin: Works its way into the blood and the scalp, very gradual. The Chem Department keeps their end up.
Hadley: I’ll see it when I believe it.
Mordecai: Their blind eyes sees nothing of the horror to come. Their ears are stopped. They are the gods fools.
Hadley: Well, that’s how it works.
Mordecai: Cleanse them. Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe in the crimson of… Am I on speakerphone?
Hadley: No! Absolutely not. Speakerphone? No! No! I wouldn’t do that.
Mordecai: Yes, I am. I can hear the echo.
Hadley: Oh, my God! You’re right. Hang on one second. I’ll take you off.
Mordecai: That’s rude. I don’t know who’s in the room!
Mordecai: Don’t take this lightly, boy. It wasn’t all by your numbers. The fool nearly derailed the invocation with his insolence. The ancient ones see everything. And they will not be… I’m still on speaker phone, aren’t I?
Hadley: [he and Sitterson laugh] Oh, my God! Mordecai! I can’t believe it! I did it again. Mordy?! What happens next?
Truman: Well, how can you wager on this, when you control the outcome?
Hadley: No. We just get them in the cellar. They take it from there.
Sitterson: No, they have to make the choice of their own free will. Otherwise the system doesn’t work. Just like the harbinger. He’s this creepy old f***. Practically wears a sign, “You will die”. Why do we put him there? The system. They have to choose to ignore him, and they have to choose what happens in the cellar. Yeah, we rig the game as much as we need to, but in the end, they don’t transgress…
Hadley: They can’t be punished. So what’s it going to be, Truman? You in? Window’s closing.
Truman: I’m fine.
'You're not seeing what you don't want to see.' - Marty (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Marty: Truth or dare?
Jules: Let’s go dare.
Marty: Alright. I dare you, to make out with…
Curt: Please say Dana. Please say Dana. Please say Dana.
Marty: That moose over there.
Dana: Marty, have you ever seen a moose before?
Marty: Whatever that mysterious beast is?
Curt: It’s a wolf.
Holden: That’s clearly a wolf.
Marty: Okay, I’m drawing a line in the f***ing sand here. Do not read the Latin.
Labcoat Girl: That’s not fair. I had zombies too.
Sitterson: Yes, you did. Yes, you had zombies. But this is “Zombie Redneck Torture Family”. See? They’re entirely separate species. It’s like the difference between an elephant and an elephant seal. There’s always next year.
Truman: [referring to the family of zombies in the woods] They’re like something from a nightmare.
Lin: No, they’re something nightmares are from. Everything in our stable is from another world. Courtesy of, you know who.
Truman: Monsters? Magic? Gods?
Lin: You get used to it.
Truman: Should you?
'We are not who we are.' - Marty (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Sitterson: [after Hadley loses the monster bet] Oh, man. I’m sorry.
Hadley: He had the conch in his hands!
Sitterson: I know. You know, a couple more minutes, who knows what would have happened?
Hadley: I am never going to see a merman, ever.
Sitterson: Dude, be thankful. Those things are terrifying. And the clean-up on them is a nightmare.
Hadley: So, the Buckners again.
Sitterson: Well, they may be zombified, pain worshiping, backwoods idiots.
Hadley: But they’re our zombified, pain worshiping, backwoods idiots.
Sitterson: With a hundred percent clearance rate.
Marty: Do you seriously believe nothing weird is going on?
Dana: What do you mean?
Marty: The way everybody is acting. Why is Jules suddenly a celebutard?? And since when does Curt pull this alpha-male bulls**t? I mean, he’s a sociology major. He’s on full academic scholarship, and now he’s calling his friend an egghead?
Dana: Curt’s just drunk.
Marty: I’ve seen Curt drunk. Jules too.
Dana: Well, then maybe it’s something else.
Marty: You’re not seeing what you don’t want to see. Puppeteers.
Marty: Pop-Tarts? Did you say you have Pop-Tarts?
Dana: Marty, I love you, but you’re really high.
Marty: [to himself as Dana walks off] We are not who we are. I’m going to go read a book with pictures.
Dana: Well, it’s a weird kind of night. I’m sorry about tonight. Everybody…
Holden: Do I lose points if I tell you I’m having a pretty nice time?
Dana: No. You can tell me that.
Hadley: [to the scientists watch on the monitor Curt and Jules have sex] Okay, guys! That’s it! Let’s go. We got a job to do! Your basic human needs disgust me. Get out of here.
'Your basic human needs disgust me.' - Hadley (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Sitterson: [after they see Jules get decapitated] This we offer in humility and fear. For the blessed peace of your eternal slumber. As it ever was.
Hadley: As it ever was.
Marty: [as Holden is about to kiss Dana] He’s got a husband bulge.
Marty: [looking up at the sky] I thought they’d be stars. We are abandoned.
'Me? Virgin?' - Dana, 'We work with what we have.' - The Director (The Cabin in the Woods) Click To Tweet
Curt: Look, we got to lock this place down
Marty: He’s right.
Curt: We’ll go room by room, barricade every window and door. We got to play it safe. No matter what happens, we have to stay together.
Curt: This isn’t right, we should split up. We can cover more ground that way.
Holden: Yeah. Yeah, good idea.
[just at that moment the zombies outside start attacking]
Sitterson: Judah Buckner to the rescue.
Marty: [after he’s discovered the hidden camera in his room] Oh, my God! I’m on a reality TV show! My parents are going to think I’m such a burnout.
Hadley: [after Marty is carried away by the zombie, the complex facility starts shaking] Must be getting excited downstairs.
Sitterson: Greatest show on earth.
Dana: This is the Black Room.
Dana: From the diary. This is where he killed them. This is where he kills us.
Holden: Oh, hey! No! He’s not going to kill us. We just got to find a door. Okay?
Hadley: [as they watch Dana stab the zombie in the cellar] Oh, these f***ing zombies. Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?
Sitterson: How old do you think I am?
Sitterson: You seeing this?
Lin: Perfect record, huh?
Sitterson: The Japan crew should have had this in the bag! They f***ed us! How hard is it to kill nine year-olds?
Lin: Zero fatality. Total wash!
Hadley: I’m telling you, you want good product, you got to buy American.
Hadley: Hey, you just sweat the Chem, Lin. While these morons are singing “what a friend we have in Shinto”, we are bringing the pain.
Holden: Alright, we got any climbing gear? Ropes?
Curt: Yeah, in my f***ing dorm room.
Dana: We can’t go back. There’s no way across.
Holden: What are we going to do, jump?
Curt: Look, you guys, you stay in the rambler. I’ll get help. If I wipe out, I’ll f***ing limp for help. But I’m coming back here. I’m coming back with cops, and choppers, and large f***ing guns. And those things are going to pay. For Jules.
Holden: Don’t hold back.
Curt: Never do.
Holden: I’m going through. We’ll just drive. There’s got to be another road, another way out of here.
Dana: That won’t work. Something will happen. It’ll collapse, wash away.
Holden: Then we’ll just leave the roads altogether. Drive as far as we can into the forest, and we go on foot from there.
Dana: You’re missing the point.
Holden: Please, do not go nuts on me. Okay, Dana? You’re all I’ve got now.
Dana: I’m okay.
Holden: Good. Okay, because I need you calm. Okay? No matter what happens, we got to stick together…
[suddenly the hidden zombie strikes killing Holden]
Hadley: I don’t understand. You’re celebrating?
Lin: They’re celebrating. I’m drinking.
Truman: But she’s still alive. How can the ritual be complete?
Hadley: The virgin’s death is optional, as long as it’s last. The main thing is that she, you know, suffers.
Sitterson: That she did.
Hadley: [referring to Dana] It’s so strange. I’m actually rooting for this girl. She’s got so much heart. When you think of all the pain and the punishment…
Accountant: I wish that I could do what you do.
Hadley: Oh, my God!
Accountant: Yeah, it’s masterful.
Hadley: Oh, I don’t know. You know, tonight was solid. I don’t know.
Operations Guy: Are you kidding? Classic denouement. When the van hits the lake.
Accountant: I screamed.
Operations Guy: Right?
Accountant: And the water rushing in, and the zombie!
Hadley: I just think it would have been cooler with a merman.
Hadley: [answers the red phone] Hello? That’s impossible! Everything was done within the guidelines. The virgin’s the only one. No, I am not doubting you. Which one?
Marty: It’s an elevator. Somebody sent those dead f***s up here to get us. Now, there’s no controls inside, but there’s maintenance overrides in there. And I think I can get it to go down.
Dana: Do you want to go down?
Marty: Where else are we going to go?
Marty: [to Dana] Yeah, I had to dismember that guy with a trowel. What have you been up to?
Marty: F***ing zombie arm!
Dana: We chose.
Marty: What? What?
Dana: In the cellar. All that s**t we were playing with. They made us choose. They made us choose how we die.
Lin: Clean-up says the Prep team took one of the kid’s stashes. Whatever he’s been smoking has been immunizing him to all our s**t.
Marty: [after it inadvertently helps them kill the guard] Good work, zombie arm.
The Director: [over PA] You shouldn’t be here. This should have gone differently, ended more quickly. I can only imagine your pain and confusion. But know this, what’s happening to you is part of something bigger, something older than anything known. You’ve seen horrible things, an army of nightmare creatures. But they are nothing compared to what came before, what lies below. It’s our task to placate the ancient ones, as it’s yours to be offered up to them. Forgive us, and let’s get it over with.
Dana: [as the SWAT team are shooting at them] Army of nightmares, huh? Let’s get this party started.
Marty: [referring to carvings are on the walls] What are they?
Dana: Us. I should have seen it, like you did. This is part of the ritual.
Marty: A ritual sacrifice? Great. You tie someone to a stone, get a fancy dagger and a bunch of robes. It’s not that complicated.
Dana: No. It’s simple. They don’t just want to see us killed. They want to see us punished.
Marty: Punished for what?
The Director: For being young.
The Director: It’s different in every culture. And it has changed over the years, but it has always required youth. There must be at least five. The whore, she’s corrupted. She dies first. The athlete. The scholar. The fool. All suffer and die at the hands of whatever horror they have raised, leaving the last to live or die, as fate decides. The virgin.
Dana: Me? Virgin?
The Director: We work with what we have.
Marty: What if you don’t pull it off?
The Director: They rise.
Dana: Who does? What’s beneath us?
The Director: The ancient ones. The gods that used to rule the earth. As long as they accept our sacrifice, they remain below. But the other rituals have all failed.
The Director: The sun is coming up in eight minutes. If you live to see it, the world will end.
Marty: Maybe that’s the way it should be. If you’ve got to kill all my friends to survive, maybe it’s time for a change.
The Director: We’re not talking about change. We’re talking about the agonizing death of every human soul on the planet, including you. You can die with them, or you can die for them.
Marty: Gosh. they’re both so enticing.
Dana: The whole world, Marty.
The Director: Is in your hands, Dana. There is no other way. You have to be strong.
Marty: Yeah, Dana. You feeling strong?
Dana: I’m sorry.
Marty: So am I.
[suddenly the werewolf attacks Dana, Marty grabs the gun, shoots the wolf, then kills the Director]
Dana: I don’t think Curt even has a cousin.
Dana: [as the world starts to end] I’m so sorry I almost shot you. I probably wouldn’t have.
Marty: Hey, hey, no. Shh. No. I totally get it. I’m sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then ended the world.
Dana: No, I think you were right. Humanity, it’s time to give someone else a chance.
Marty: Giant evil Gods.
Dana: I wish I could have seen them.
Marty: I know. That would have been a fun weekend.
[Dana holds Marty’s hand as the chamber starts to collapse in on them]