Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Jesse Williams, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Sigourney Weaver, Tim De Zarn, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Horror comedy co-written and directed by Drew Goddard. The story centers around five stereotypical college kids; there’s the hunky jock, Curt (Chris Hemsworth), the promiscuous sexy girl, Dana (Kristen Connolly), the good girl, Jules (Anna Hutchison), the brainy one, Holden (Jesse Williams), and the goofy stoner, Marty (Fran Kranz). As they all get together and head to a remote, creepy looking cabin in the woods for vacation, they find an ancient diary in the cabin containing ominous passages in Latin and after Dana reads from the diary that then things start getting bloody horrific and weird on them.
Best Quotes (Total Quotes: 72)
[first lines; two office workers are talking by the coffee machine]
Hadley: It’s hormonal. I mean, I don’t usually fall back on, you know, how it’s women’s issues.
Sitterson: But child proofed how? I mean, gates and stuff?
Hadley: Dude, she did the drawers. We don’t even know if this whole fertility thing’s going to work, she’s screwing these little locks, I mean you can’t even open the drawers.
Sitterson: At all?
Hadley: Well, they open like an inch, but then you got to dig your finger in. I mean, it’s a nightmare.
Sitterson: I guess, sooner or later.
Hadley: Yeah, well, a lot later! She did the upper cabinets. It’ll be thirty before it can reach them, assuming, you know, we have a kid.
[Sitterson and Hadley are walking in a huge office complex, Lin interrupts their conversation]
Lin: Guys. Guys! Stockholm went south.
Sitterson: Seriously? I thought they were looking good.
Hadley: We’re cracked.
Lin: I haven’t seen the project boards, just going around.
Hadley: Well, it’s never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can’t trust Swedes.
Lin: That means there’s just Japan. Japan and us.
Hadley: Well, it’s not the first time it’s comes down to that.
Sitterson: Japan has a perfect record.
Hadley: We’re number two. We try harder.
Lin: But, guys, if we fail…
Sitterson: Please! We haven’t had a glitch since 98.
Hadley: We know what we’re doing, Lin. We have it written down, somewhere.
Lin: You guys better not be messing around in there.
[Sitterson and Hadley get into a small electrical buggy]
Sitterson: Ooh, does this mean you’re not in the betting pool this year? Big money.
Lin: I’m just saying it’s a key scenario.
Hadley: No, I heard what you’re saying. In 98 it was Chem department’s fault, right?
[looking at Lin]
Hadley: Where do you work again? Wait, it’s coming back to me now.
[just at that moment they ride off in their buggy leaving Lin behind]
[just as they leave Lin and are driving off in their buggy]
Hadley: This will be a long weekend if everyone’s that puckered up. So you want to come over Monday night? I’m going to pick up some power drill, then we’re going to hit my cabinets.
[Sitterson doesn’t answer as he’s messing around with this coffee cup]
Hadley: Are you even listening to me?
[at that moment the movie’s title hits the screen ‘The Cabin in the Woods’]
[Dana is getting ready in her apartment, she picks up her notebook and looks at a drawing of a man, Jules comes up behind her as she’s looking at the drawing]
Jules: Uch! Professor Fuckwad! Why haven’t you stuck that asshole’s picture on the dart board yet?
Dana: It’s not that simple.
[Dana turns and looks at Jules and notices her hair color]
Dana: Oh, my God! Your hair! It’s blond!
Jules: Very fabulous, not!
Dana: I can’t believe you did it!
Jules: But very fabulous, right?
[Dana doesn’t answer]
Jules: Are you up with the very fabulous? I’m getting insecure about it now.
Dana: Oh, God, no, no! It looks awesome. Curt’s going to lose it.
Jules: Oh, Curt’s going to thank me. And so will you.
[Jules rips off the paper with the picture of the professor]
Jules: While we’re burning this picture.
[she walks off with the picture]
Dana: No! I’m not ready. Seriously! This isn’t his fault.
[Dana grabs the piece of paper off of Jules]
Jules: What’s not his fault? Fucking his student or breaking up with her by email?
Dana: I knew what I was getting into.
Jules: Oh, please!
Jules: Do you know what you’re getting into this weekend?
[she shows Dana a red bikini]
Jules: This! And, if Holden’s as cute as Curt says he is, possibly getting out of it.
Dana: That is the last thing that I want. If you guys treat this like a setup, I’m going to have no fun at all.
Jules: I’m not pushing. But we’re packing this! Which means we definitely won’t have room for…
[she takes out Dana’s books from her bag]
Dana: Oh, what if I get bored?
Jules: These’ll help?
[she reads the names of the books]
Jules: ‘Soviet Economic Structures’! Aftermath of the Co..’! No! We have a lake and a cake! No more learning!
[after Curt walks in on the girls as they’re talking about packing for their trip]
Curt: Hey, I’m kind of seeing this girl, but you’re way blonder than she is. I was thinking maybe…
[he looks down and notices Dana’s books in Jules’ hand]
Curt: What is this? What are these? What are you doing with these?
Dana: Okay, I get it. I don’t believe this.
Curt: No! No! No! Who gave you these? Who taught you about these?
Jules: I learned it from you. Okay. I learned it from watching you!
[Jules stomps off, Curt laughs and turns to Dana]
Curt: Okay, seriously. Professor Bennett, he covers this whole book in his lectures.
[he goes over to Dana’s bookcase and takes out a book]
Curt: You should read, this. Perofsky, now this is way more interesting. Also Bennett doesn’t know it by heart, so he’ll think you’re insightful. And you have no pants.
[Curt smiles and walk out of her room as Dana looks down and notices she’s just got no pants on]
[as they are getting their luggage into the RV]
Holden: Is that pretty much it?
Curt: Fucking better be!
[turning to Jules as he carries all her bags]
Curt: You know it’s just the weekend, not an evacuation.
Jules: Trust me when I say that there’s nothing in these cases you won’t be glad I brought.
Curt: I’m shutting right up.
[as Marty pulls up in his car whilst smoking pot from a huge bong]
Curt: What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?
Marty: People in this town drive in a very counter intuitive manner. That’s what I have to say.
Curt: You want to spend the weekend in jail? Cause we’d all like to check out my cousings country home.
Jules: Marty, honey, that’s not okay.
Marty: Statistical fact, cops will never pull a real man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man, they know he sees further than they and will bind them with ancient logics.
[referring to Jules newly dyed hair]
Marty: Have you gone grey?
Curt: Look, you’re not bringing that thing into the van.
Marty: What? A giant bong in your father’s van? What, are you stoned?
[as they are driving to the cabin]
Jules: I hope this is the right road. It doesn’t even show up on the GPS. It is unworthy of global positioning.
Marty: That’s the whole point! Get off the grid, right? No cell phone reception, no entrapment cameras. Go some place for one God damn weekend where you can’t globally position my ass. Okay, this is the whole issue…
Jules: Is society crumbling, Marty?
Marty: No, society is binding. Right? It’s filling in the cracks with concrete. Everything’s filed or reported, logged, right? Chips in our kids heads so they won’t get lost. Society needs to crumble. We’re all just too chicken shit to let it.
Jules: Alright, Mr. Rants!
Marty: You will come to see things my way.
[we see Hadley and Sitterson enter an underground complex facility with surveillance equipment]
Hadley: What’s your name?
Truman: Daniel Truman, sir.
Hadley: This isn’t the military, Truman. You can drop the sir, but, uh, Sitterson does like to be called, man.
Sitterson: Or honeytoes.
Hadley: He will also answer to honeytoes. You clear on what’s going to be happening here?
Truman: I’ve been prepped, extensively.
Hadley: And did they tell you that being prepped is not the same thing as being prepared?
Truman: They told me. I’ll hold my post, Mr. Hadley.
Hadley: Good man.
[as they get the surveillance monitoring devices up and running]
Sitterson: Okay, systems online.
Hadley: Acquiring targets. Let’s see what we got.
[as they pull up their van at an isolated creepy looking gas station]
Mordecai: Sign says closed.
Curt: Hey, we were looking to buy some gas. Does this pump work?
Mordecai: If you know how to work it.
Holden: We also wanted to get some directions.
Curt: Yeah, we’re looking for, uh, what’s it called?
[turns to Jules]
Jules: Tillerman Road. Do you know if it’s this way?
Mordecai: Tillerman Road takes you up the hill there, gets you to the old Buckner place.
Curt: My cousin bought a house up there. You go through like a mountain tunnel, there’s a lake. Would that be the…?
Mordecai: Buckner place, always thought they were looking to sell that plot.
[referring to the owners of the cabin they are going to]
Jules: You knew the original owners?
Mordecai: Well, at first I’d see plenty come and go. Hell, I’ve been here since the war.
Jules: Which war?
Mordecai: You know damn well which war!
Marty: Would that have been with the blue and salmon grey brother perhaps, fighting against brother, in that war?
Mordecai: You sassing me, boy?
Marty: You were rude to my friend.
Mordecai: That whore?
Curt: What’d you say?
Holden: I think we got enough gas.
Mordecai: You got enough to get you there. Getting back, that’s your concern.
[Curt takes some cash out and throws it at Mordecai and walks off]
Marty: Well, good luck with your business, sir. I know the railroad’s coming through here any day now. That’s going to be big! Streets paved with actual street!
[to himself as he turns and walks to the van]
[as they drive up to the cabin which looks run down and creepy]
Curt: This must be it.
Jules: Oh, my God! It’s, uh, beautiful.
Jules: One spider and I’m sleeping in the van. I mean it.
[after Holden discovers the mirror in his room is one-way and before he has a chance to spy on Dana, he decides to be a gentleman and let her know it’s there before she undresses]
Dana: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! That’s just creepy.
Marty: It was pioneer days, people had to make their own interrogation rules.
Holden: What did your cousin buy this for?
Curt: We should check the rest of the rooms to make sure this is the only one.
[grabbing hold of Jules]
Cause you know Marty likes to watch us pounding away.
Marty: I ain’t even like, hearing that.
[as Dana is still feeling creeped out by the discovery of the one-way mirror]
Holden: How about we switch? Not that I mean I put the picture back, but you might feel better if we switched rooms.
Dana: I really would. Thanks, for, uh, being decent.
Holden: It’s the least I could do. Since Curt and Jules sold you to me for marriage.
Dana: Hmm, they’re not subtle.
Holden: Well, I’ll just be flattered and keep you to myself.
Dana: Yeah, I’m not looking for, but I’m still grateful that you’re not a creep.
Holden: Let’s not jump to any conclusions there. I had kind of an internal debate about showing you the mirror. Shouting on both sides, blood was spilled.
Dana: So, you’re bleeding internally.
Holden: Pretty bad.
Dana: Well, Jules is pre-med. You should probably talk to her.
Holden: Uh, oh, okay.
[Dana feeling walks off to her room, she sees the one-way mirror as Holden gets undressed but quickly puts the creepy looking picture back up to cover the mirror]
[back in the underground complex facility we see that all the rooms in the cabin are under surveillance and each person is being watched]
Sitterson: Places everyone. We are live!
Hadley: Engineering we got a room change, Polk is now in two, McCrea is in four. Operations, do you copy? We need a scenario adjustment.
[as they watch Jules on their monitor, Lin confirms something has been put in Jules’ hair dye which will affect her behavior]
Lin: The hair dye.
Sitterson: Dumb blond, very artistic.
Lin: Works its way into the blood and the scalp, very gradual, if Chem department keeps their end up.
Hadley: I’ll see it when I believe it.
[Mordecai phones the underground complex and Hadley, Sitterson and Lin listen to Mordecai on the speaker phone]
Hadley: Mordecai, baby! What’s happening? How’s the weather up top?
Mordecai: The lambs have passed through the gate. They are come to the killing floor.
Hadley: Well, you’re, you’re doing a great job out there. By the numbers, man. You got to start it off just right. So we’ll talk to you later, okay?
Mordecai: Their blind eyes sees nothing of the horror to come. Their ears are stopped. They are the guard’s fools.
Hadley: Well, that’s how it works.
Mordecai: Cleanse them, cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe in the crimson of…
Mordecai: Am I on speaker phone?
Hadley: No! Absolutely not. Speaker phone? No! No! I wouldn’t do that.
Mordecai: Yes, I am. I can hear the echo.
[Sitterson and Hadley smile]
Hadley: Oh, my God! You’re right. Hang on one second, I’ll take you off.
Mordecai: That’s rude. I don’t know who’s in the room!
Hadley: Fine, there.
[Hadley pretends to take him off speaker phone and the others laugh in silence]
Mordecai: Thank you. Don’t take this lightly, boy. It wasn’t all by your ‘numbers’; the Reveler fooled you and derailed the invocation with his insolence. The injured one see everything, and they will not be…
[he stops as he hears Hadley and Sitterson laugh]
Mordecai: I’m still on speaker phone, aren’t I?
[Hadley and Sitterson laugh out loud even harder]
Hadley: Oh, my God! Mordecai! I can’t believe it! I did it again. Morty?!
[as all the workers in the underground complex have gathered for a betting pool]
Sitterson: Alright! Last chance, it’s post time. Dig deep people, betting windows are closing.
Hadley: Who’s still out?
Sitterson: Uh, let us see. We got Engineering, we got R & D, we got Electrical.
Hadley: Did you see who they picked? They practically giving their money away.
Sitterson: You should talk, merman.
Sitterson: I don’t know.
[as they watch Sitterson and Hadley take bets from the other workers]
Lin: Not betting?
Truman: Not for me, thanks.
Lin: Seems a little harsh, doesn’t it? It’s just people letting off steam. This job isn’t easy, however, those clowns may behave.
Truman: Does The Director, do they know about this downstairs?
Hadley: The Director doesn’t care about this stuff. As long as everything goes smoothly, upstairs. As long as the kids as they’re told…
Truman: Then it’s fixed?
Hadley: No. No. No.
Truman: Well, how can you wager on this, when you control the outcome?
Hadley: Well, we just get them in the cellar. They take it from there.
Sitterson: No, they have to make the choice of their own free will. Otherwise the system doesn’t work. Just like the Harbinger. He’s this creepy old fuck, practically wears a sign saying ‘You will die’. Why do we put him there? The system. They have to choose to ignore him and they have to choose what happens in the cellar. Yeah, we rig the game as much as we need to, but in the end, it’ll transgress.
Hadley: They can’t be punished. So what’s it going to be, Truman? You in? Window’s closing.
Truman: I’m fine.
Hadley: Okay. That’s it gang! The board is locked!
Sitterson: Oh, let’s get this party started!
[they start partying as the kids in the cabin start partying]
[as they start drinking and playing truth and dare]
Marty: Okay, my turn! Jules!
Marty: Truth or dare?
Jules: Let’s go dare.
Marty: I dare you, to make out with…
Curt: Please say Dana. Please say Dana. Please say Dana.
Marty: That moose, over there.
[the others look over and see that it’s a creepy looking wolf’s head]
Dana: Um, Marty? Have you ever seen a moose before?
Marty: Whatever that mysterious beast is?
[the others laugh as Marty tries to identify the wolf head]
Curt: It’s a wolf.
Holden: That’s clearly a wolf.
Marty: Jules, I dare you to make out with that wolf.
Jules: No problem.
[she walks off seductively towards the wolf head and starts play acting with the wolf]
Jules: Who? Me? Why yes, I am new in town. How did you know? Oh, my God! That is so sweet of you to say. I just colored it in fact. No, no, no. There’s no need to huff and puff. I’ll let you come in.
[she starts kissing the wolf in a very convincing manner as they others watch in shock]
[after doing her dare, it’s now Jules’ turn to choose someone else for truth or dare]
Dana: What’s that supposed to mean?
Curt: Well, I’m just skipping ahead. You’re going to say dare, she’s going to dare you to do something you don’t want like and then you’ll puss out and say that you wanted truth all along.
Dana: Really? Okay, Jules, dare.
[suddenly they hear a loud crashing noise and look back to find the cellar door has shot open]
Jules: What the hell was that?
Dana: Cellar door.
Curt: The wind must have blown it open.
[they all walk closer to the cellar]
Marty: Uh, that makes what kind of sense?
Holden: What do you think down there?
Jules: Why don’t we find out?
[Jules looks at Dana]
Jules: Dana, I dare you.
[after Dana goes down the creepy cellar, she sees something in the dark and screams]
Holden: Dana? You okay?
[the others come down the cellar to check on her]
Dana: Yeah. Sorry, I just scared myself.
Curt: When you call for help it doubles the dare. Take your top off.
[Dana gives him a look]
Curt: What? I didn’t make up the rules.
[as they look round the cellar they notice creepy dolls and occult objects]
Holden: Oh, my God!
Dana: Look at all this?
Marty: Uh, guys? I’m not sure it’s awesome to be down here. Guys?
Holden: Dude, seriously. Your cousin is into some weird shit.
Curt: Well, I’m pretty sure this ain’t his. Maybe it’s the people who put in the mirror thing.
Jules: Some of this stuff looks really old. It’s beautiful.
Marty: Maybe we should go back upstairs. I dare you all to go upstairs?
[they all ignore him and continue looking around the cellar at all the weird objects]
[as they are checking out the cellar, Dana finds an old looking journal]
Dana: Guys? Guys, listen to this. ‘April 4th, father was cross with me and said I lacked the true faith. I wish I could prove my devotion as Judah and Matthew proved on those travelers.
Jules: What is that?
[reading the front of the journal]
‘ Dana: ‘Diary of Anna Patience Buckner, 1903.’
[Dana continues reading from the journal]
Dana: ‘Mama screamed most of the night. I prayed that she might find faith, but she only stopped when Papa cut her belly and stuffed the coals in. Judah told me in my dream that Matthew took him to the black room, so I know he’s killed. I want to understand the glory of the pain like Matthew, but cutting the flesh makes him have a husbands bulge and I do not get like that.’
Marty: Jesus! Can we not…
Curt: Go on.
Curt: I want to know.
[Dana continues reading from the journal]
Dana: ‘I have found it. In the oldest books, the way of saving our family. My good arm is hacked up and ate, so I hope this will be readable. That a believer will come and speak this to our spirits, then we will be restored and great pain will return.’ And then, then there’s something in Latin.
Marty: Okay, I’m drawing a line in the fucking sand here. Do not read the Latin!
[suddenly Marty hears a woman whisper]
Whispering Voice: Read it! Read it out loud!
Marty: No! No! No!
[Marty tries to grab the journal from Dana but Curt pushes him away]
Curt: Stop being a fucking baby!
Curt: It’s a diary!
Dana: It doesn’t even mean anything.
[Dana read the Latin words out loud]
Dana: ‘Delor supervivo caro. Delor suplemus caro. Dolor ignio animus.’
[as Dana reads out the Latin words suddenly we see the Buckner family back to life in the woods]
[back in the underground facility we see the scientists have all gathered and are watching as the Buckner family come to life]
Sitterson: We have a winner! It’s the Buckners, ladies and gentlemen! The Buckners fooled all of you!
[we now realize they had a pool running to see which monster would get picked, Sitterson walks over to a giant board where the monster choices are written]
Sitterson: Alright, that means that, congratulations go to Maintenance!
[the maintenance staff all clap and cheer]
Sitterson: Who share the pot with Ronald the Intern.
Labcoat Girl: That’s not fair, I had zombies too.
Sitterson: Yes, you did. Yes, you had zombies. But this is ‘Zombies Redneck Torture Family’.
[pointing to her monster choice on the giant board]
Sitterson: See. They’re entirely separate species. It’s like the difference between the elephant and the elephant seal.
[the labcoat girl looks disappointed and walks off]
Sitterson: There’s always next year.
[as they watch the monitors showing the Buckner family zombies in the woods]
Truman: They’re like something from a nightmare.
Lin: No, they’re something nightmares are from. Everything in our stable is from another world. Courtesy of, you know who.
Truman: Monsters, magic, Gods.
Lin: You get used to it.
Truman: Should you?
[after Hadley loses the monster bet]
Sitterson: Oh, man, I’m sorry.
Hadley: He had the conch in his hands!
Sitterson: I know. I know. Couple more minutes, who knows what would have happened.
Hadley: I am never going to see a merman, ever.
Sitterson: Dude, be thankful. Those things are terrifying. And the clean-up on them is a nightmare.
Hadley: So, the Buckners.
Sitterson: Well, they may be zombified, pain worshiping, backwards idiots.
Hadley: But they’re our zombified, pain worshiping, backwards idiots.
Sitterson: With a hundred percent clearance rate.
Hadley: True. So should we call? Japan? Tell them to take the rest of the weekend off?
Sitterson: Yeah, right. They’re Japanese. What are they going to do, relax?
Hadley: I just like to see them fall on their asses for once.
Sitterson: Oh, God! Don’t even joke. Never give the other branches the ball. We need the Japanese crew to get it done. There’s too much riding on this.
[as they walk off we see there are several monitors in the background showing the teams from other countries running similar operations with monsters being released to kill a chosen set of kids]
[as they watch Jules does a sexy dance for them]
Curt: Fuck! Yeah, baby!
Marty: So classy.
Curt: Come on! Like you wouldn’t want a piece of that.
Marty: Can we not talk about people in pieces anymore tonight.
Jules: Oh, are you feeling lonely, Marty?
[Jules comes closer to Marty]
Jules: Marty and I were sweeties in our freshman hall.
Marty: We made out once. I never did buy that ring.
Jules: But we’re still close.
[she starts doing a sexy dance in front of him]
Marty: I have a theory about all of this.
Curt: That’s time to bale. Tom Chung here has a theory.
[he goes over to Jules]
Curt: Come on, baby!
[turns to Marty]
Curt: Go on. You can, uh, you can tell it to egghead here, if he’s not too busy, de-virginizing Dana.
[Curt takes Jules’ hand and opens the cabin door]
Dana: Jules, do you want to go lie down?
Curt: That’s exactly the point!
Curt: Rush! Rush!
Jules: Don’t push me around.
[after Curt and Jules have left the cabin]
Marty: Do you seriously believe nothing weird is going on?
Dana: What do you mean?
Marty: The way everybody is acting. Why is Jules suddenly a celebutante? And since when does Curt pull this alpha male bullshit? I mean, he’s a sociology major, he’s on full academic scholarship and now he’s calling his friend an egghead?
Dana: Curt’s just drunk.
Marty: I’ve seen Curt drunk, Jules too.
Dana: Well, then maybe it’s something else.
Marty: You’re not seeing what you don’t want to see. Puppeteers.
Marty: Pop-Tarts. Did you say you have Pop-Tarts?
Dana: Marty, I love you, you’re really high.
[Dana turns and walks off and Marty whispers to himself]
Marty: We are not who we are.
[he pauses for a moment]
Marty: I’m going to go read a book with pictures.
[Holden reads for the journal Dana had read from earlier]
Holden: The pain out lives the flesh. The flesh returns at the meeting place.
Dana: What is that?
Holden: The Latin that you, uh, read in the basement.
Dana: You speak Latin?
Holden: Not well, not since tenth grade. Weird how it all comes back.
Dana: Well, it’s a weird kind of night. I’m sorry about tonight. Everybody…
Holden: Do I lose points if I tell you I’m having a pretty nice time?
Dana: No, you can tell me that.
[Curt and Jules are playing around in the woods near the cabin]
Curt: What are you running away for?
[Curt catches Jules]
Jules: Don’t spill on me!
Curt: You got a little beer on your shirt?
[he throws his beer glass away]
Curt: I guess it’ll have to come off.
[he tries to kiss Jules]
Jules: Not here.
Curt: Baby, come on! We’re all alone.
[he starts unbuttoning Jules’ shirt and we see the scientists back at their facility all watching the monitor, captivated by Curt and Jules]
Jules: I’m chilly.
[as Jules stops Curt from taking her shirt off all the scientists groan out loud]
[to the scientists gathered at the monitor to watch Curt and Jules have sex]
Hadley: Okay, guys! That’s it! Let’s go, we got a job to do! You’re basic human needs disgust me, get out of here.
[Hadley turns to Sitterson]
Hadley: Do we have temperature control in this sector?
Sitterson: On it.
[Sitterson increases the temperature in the woods]
Hadley: Engaging pheromone mists.
[as Sitterson and Hadley have increased the temperature and pheromones in the woods, Curt and Jules stop and start kissing]
Jules: It’s so dark. Let’s go inside.
Curt: Come on, this is why we came here. It’s romantic.
[as Curt and Jules lie down on the ground and start making out, Hadley and Sitterson are watching them on their monitor]
Hadley: Okay, baby. Let’s see some boobies.
Sitterson: Show us the goods.
Truman: Does it really matter if we see her…
Hadley: We’re not the only ones watching, kid.
Sitterson: got to keep the customers satisfied. You understand what’s at stake here?
[they keep on watching the monitor as Curt and Jules start making out and Jules finally takes her top off]
[just as Curt and Jules are about to have sex suddenly the Buckner zombies attack them and Jules is tortured and decapitated]
[after they’ve seen Jules get decapitated]
Sitterson: This we offer in humility and fear. For the blessed peace of your eternal slumber. As it ever was.
Hadley: As it ever was.
[Marty talks to himself as he reads ‘Finding Nemo’]
Marty: Nemo, man. You got to wake up! This shit is topsy turvy.
[suddenly he hears a voice whispering in the air]
Marty: Okay! I swear to fucking God, somebody is talking!
[he pauses to see if he can hear the voice but no one speaks]
Marty: I’m pretty sure someone is.
[suddenly he hears the voice whispers something again]
Marty: No! What are you saying? Huh? What do you want? You think I’m a puppet, huh? Think I’m a puppet, going to do a little fucking puppet dance! I’m the boss of my own brain, so give it up! I’m going to go for walk.
[as Dana and Holden start to make out]
Dana: I don’t want to, I mean, I’ve never, I don’t mean never.
Holden: Hey, nothing you don’t want.
[as Holden is about to kiss Dana again, suddenly Marty walks passed them]
Marty: He’s got a husband bulge.
[as Marty is walking outside the cabin, he looks up at the sky]
Marty: I thought they’d be stars. We are abandoned.
[after Curt has survived the zombie attack and saved Marty from getting killed by one of the zombies, they run back into the cabin]
Dana: Where’s Jules?
Curt: She’s gone. We got to get out of here.
Dana: No! No, wait!
[Dana goes to open the cabin door]
Marty: Dana, don’t open it!
Dana: I’m not leaving here without Jules!
Marty: That dead girl’s out there!
[suddenly Dana opens the door and one of the zombies is at the door, he throws Dana Jules’ decapitated head]
Dana: What is that thing?
Curt: I don’t know, but there’s more of them.
Dana: More of them?
Marty: I saw a young girl, all zombied like him, but she was missing an arm.
Dana: Oh, my God. Patience. The diary.
Curt: Look, we got to lock this place down
Marty: He’s right.
Curt: We’ll go room by room, barricade every window and door. We got to play it safe, no matter what happens we have to stay together.
[as Sitterson and Hadley hear this, they decide to intervene and ensure that the group decide to split up]
[as they are about to stay together to barricade the windows and doors, Curt suddenly feels something and stops]
Curt: This isn’t right.
Holden: What? What’s the matter?
Curt: This isn’t right, we should split up. We can cover more ground that way.
Holden: Yeah. Yeah, good idea.
[just at that moment the zombies outside start attacking]
Curt: Right, guys, get to your rooms!
[they all split up and go to barricade their rooms, as soon as each gets to their room Hadley gives instructions to lock each of them in their rooms]
[after Marty gets locked in his room he accidently knocks over his bedside lamp and finds a hidden camera]
Marty: What the fuck?
[as Sitterson is watching Marty on the monitor, he sees that Marty has discovered one of their cameras]
Sitterson: Oh-oh, that’s not good!
Hadley: Out of the way! Out of the way! Out of the way!
[he runs towards the megaphone on Sitterson desk]
Hadley: Chem department, I need five hundred CC’s of Thorazine pumped into room 3.
Sitterson: No! No! No! No! No!
Hadley: Standby, Chem.
[Sitterson points to the monitor]
Sitterson: Judah Buckner to the rescue.
[after he’s discovered the hidden camera in his room]
Marty: Oh, my God! I’m on a reality TV show!
[he laughs to himself]
Marty: My parents are going to think I’m such a burnout.
[suddenly a zombie bursts through the window behind him and grabs Marty, Marty tries to fight using his bong as a weapon but the zombie stabs in the back with a knife and seemingly carries him away to die]
[after Marty is carried away by the zombie, the complex facility starts shaking like there’s and earthquake]
Hadley: Must be getting exciting downstairs.
Sitterson: Greatest show on earth.
[after Holden helps Dana escape from a zombie attack in her room, they find a way to go the basement]
Dana: It’s empty.
Holden: Let’s get down there.
[he helps Dana go down the basement and shouts to Curt who’s in his room]
Curt: Unlock the door!
Holden: I can’t! Get down the basement.
[as they try to find a way out of the basement]
Dana: This is the Black Room.
Dana: From the diary. This is where he killed them. This is where he kills us.
Holden: Oh, hey! No! He’s not going to kill us. We just got to find the door, okay?
[Dana nods her head]
Holden: Let’s just check the walls, okay?
Holden: I mean, there’s got to be something…
[suddenly one of the zombies who’s been hiding above them, throws a torture device onto Holden’s back and pulls him up, Dana grabs a spear from the ground]
Dana: You like pain?
[she stabs the zombie with the spear]
Dana: How does that work for you?
[the zombie tires to attack Dana but Dana grabs a knife and stabs him repeatedly]
[after they’ve watched Dana stab the zombie in the cellar]
Hadley: Oh, these fucking zombies! Remember when you could just throw a girl in a volcano?
Sitterson: How old do you think I am?
[as Sitterson watches Japan’s monitor and sees a bunch of school girls sing a song that destroys a ghost demon and turns into a happy frog, meaning Japan has failed]
Sitterson: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
[Lin calls Sitterson and shows up on one the monitors]
Sitterson: You seeing this?
Lin: Perfect record, huh?
Sitterson: The Japan group should have had this in the bag! They fucked us! How hard is it to kill nine year olds?
Lin: Zero fatality. Total loss!
Hadley: I’m telling you, you want good product, you got to buy American.
Lin: Any word from downstairs?
Sitterson: Oh, downstairs doesn’t care about Japan. The Director trusts us.
Hadley: Hey, you just sweat the cam, Lin, while those morons are singing ‘What a friend we have in Shinto’, we are bringing the pain.
[referring to Marty]
Sitterson: Yeah, and what the fuck’s up with this guy’s pot anyway? I mean, he’s supposed to be drooling and instead he almost makes us.
Lin: We treated the shit out of it!
[Hadley watches the monitor as Dana, Curt and Holden have managed to get to their RV and are driving away from the cabin]
Hadley: Okay, we got the Rambler heading towards the tunnel.
Lin: The fool’s toast anyway. And so are we if you don’t get this under control!
[as Hadley watches the monitor and sees the RV heading towards the tunnel, he realizes that no one had collapsed the tunnel to stop the kids from leaving]
Lin: What? Shit, why?
Hadley: got to go! Work to do!
Lin: You are guys are humanity’s last hope! If the ancients rise, we…
[Sitterson cuts Lings monitor off]
Hadley: There’s no cave-in.
Hadley: The fucking tunnel’s open!
[he turns the monitor round to show that the tunnel is open for the RV to drive through]
[after Sitterson manages to destroy the tunnel in time]
Curt: No. No! No! No! No fucking way! I can’t believe this, man. This ain’t happening! It’s right there.
[referring to the other side of the tunnel across the canyon]
Holden: Alright, we got any climbing gear? Ropes?
Curt: Yeah, in my fucking dorm room.
Dana: We can’t go back. There’s no way across.
Holden: What are we going to do, jump?
[cut to scene of Curt sat on his motorbike getting ready to jump the cliff to get help on the other side of the canyon]
[as Curt is about to set off on his bike to jump across the cliff to the other side]
Dana: Curt, are you sure about this?
Curt: I’ve done bigger jumps than this.
Holden: You got a smooth run, there may be a five foot differential on the other side. But you got to give it everything.
Curt: Look, you guys, you stay in the Rambler. I’ll get help. If I wipe out, I’ll fucking limp for help. But I’m coming back here. I’m coming back with cops and choppers and large fucking guns and those things are going to pay. For Jules.
[Dana kisses him on the cheek]
Holden: Don’t hold back.
Curt: Never do.
[on his bike, Curt leaps off the cliff and sails through the air across the canyon, but runs smack into a giant wall and gets electrified and falls to the ground]
[after they’ve watched in horror as Curt gets electrified and killed by hitting the giant wall]
Holden: He hit something! There’s nothing! What did he hit?
Dana: Puppeteers! Marty was right.
Holden: Get in the van.
[Holden turns to go back to the van]
[Dana looks around her realizing everything is not at it seems]
Dana: Marty was right.
Dana: We’re going back.
Holden: I’m going through. We’ll just drive, there’s got to be another road, another way out of here.
Dana: It won’t work. Something will happen, it’ll collapse, wash away.
Holden: Then we’ll just leave the roads altogether. Drive as far as we can into the forest and we go on foot from there.
Dana: You’re missing the point.
Holden: Please, do not go nuts on me. Okay, Dana? You’re all I’ve got now.
Dana: I’m okay.
Holden: Good. Okay, cause I need you calm. Okay? No matter what happens, we got to stick together…
[suddenly the zombie that was hiding in their camper strikes killing Holden, the camper then plunges into the lake nearby]
[back at the complex facility, after Holden is killed, they start celebrating]
Hadley: God damn! That was close!
Sitterson: Fucking finished!
Hadley: I don’t understand. You’re celebrating?
Lin: They’re celebrating, I’m drinking.
Truman: But she’s still alive. How can the ritual be complete?
Hadley: The virgings death is optional, as long as it’s last. Main thing is that she, you know, suffers.
Sitterson: That she did.
[as he watches Dana on the monitor struggling to get out of the lake]
Hadley: It’s so strange, I’m actually rooting for this girl. She’s got so much heart, when you think of all the pain and the punishment…
[suddenly he notices the other scientists coming over to join in their celebration and starts shouting]
Hadley: Tequila is my lady! My lady! Come on in, guys! Come on in! Come on in! You’re welcome. Tequila! From darkness there is light!
[as all the scientists are having a celebratory party at the complex facility]
Accountant: I wish that I could do what you do.
Hadley: Oh, my God!
Accountant: Yeah, it’s masterful.
Hadley: Oh, I don’t know. You know, tonight was solid. I don’t know.
Operations Guy: Are you kidding? It was classic when the van hits the lake.
Accountant: I screamed.
Operations Guy: Right!
Accountant: And the water rushing in, and the zombie!
Hadley: I just think it would have been cooler with a Merman.
Sitterson: You knuckleheads! You almost gave me a heart attack with that tunnel!
Demo Guy #2: Like I said, it wasn’t our fault. We didn’t get the order.
Sitterson: Okay. Alright. I’m just giving you a hard time! Come on! Give us a hug!
[as Sitterson gets close the Demo guy stops him]
Demo Guy #2: Hey!
Demo Guy #1: No, seriously though. It wasn’t our fault.
Demo Girl: There was a glitch, a power reroute from upstairs.
Sitterson: What do you mean, upstairs?
[just then the phone rings and Sitterson turns to see it’s coming from the red phone]
[Hadley answers the red phone, someone from ‘upstairs’ is on the other side]
[listen for a moment before replying]
Hadley: That’s impossible! Everything was done within the guidelines. The virgings the only one. No, I am not doubting you.
[he listens for a moment and suddenly looks over at the large monitor]
Hadley: Which one?
[the all look at the monitor and see that as Dana is about to be killed by one of the zombies, Marty, who is still alive, comes to her rescue]
[after rescuing Dana, Marty and Dana run back to the cabin, but instead of going inside, Marty leads Dana to the graves that the zombies crawled out of]
Dana: What is this place?
[suddenly one of the zombies grabs Dana’s leg]
Marty: Woh! Woh! Woh! Woh! I dismembered that guy with a trowel.
[he looks over to Dana]
Marty: What have you been up to?
[he sees the look on Dana’s face and sees that she’s the only survivor]
Marty: Nobody else. Wow. Yeah, I figured.
Dana: You figured everything.
Marty: No, not at all. I do know some stuff, as in…
[he goes over to an electric box and hotwires it which opens up a shaft]
Marty: It’s an elevator. Somebody sent those dead fucks up here to kill us. There’s no controls inside, but there’s maintenance overrides in here. I think I can get it to go down.
Dana: Do you want to go down?
Marty: Where else are we going to go?
[as Marty and Dana get into the elevator the dismembered arm of the zombie that was in the grave falls into the elevator]
Marty: Fucking zombie arm!
[as they ride down in the elevator, they discover it also goes sideways, as it moves we see different monsters appear through the glass as it passes, suddenly Dana realizes she was the one to summon the zombies]
Dana: I chose.
Marty: What? What?
[as the elevator stops Dana moves closer to the glass and sees the Merman on the other side]
Dana: In the cellar, the shit we were playing with. They made us choose. They made us choose how we die.
[Dana starts screaming and hitting the glass, the camera pulls back and we see there are thousands of these elevator cubes, each with a different kind of monster in them]
[back in the complex facility Sitterson and Hadley are on the phone trying frantically to sort the situation]
Sitterson: We saw them go down the access drop, they have to be in one of these. Internal security could…
[he listens to whatever the person on the other end is saying before replying]
Sitterson: I don’t care if it’s not protocol! Are you fucking high?
[Hadley is talking to someone else on the phone]
Hadley: It’s the fool! Do not touch the girl, if he outlives her this whole thing goes to hell! Take him out first.
[Lin comes up to Hadley as he’s talking on the phone]
Lin: Clean-up says the Prep team took one of the kid’s stashes. Whatever he’s been smoking has been immunizing him to all our shit.
Hadley: How does that help us right now?
[back on the phone]
Hadley: What? No! If you have a confirm kill, take her out too.
[as the elevator stops, Dana and Marty are met by a security guard who has his gun pointed at them and starts shouting]
Elevator Guard: Step out of the elevator! Step out of the elevator!
Dana: Why are you trying to kill us?
Elevator Guard: Step out! Just the girl!
Marty: What? What?
Elevator Guard: Do it!
[suddenly the dismembered zombie arm that was on the elevator floor grabs hold of the guards foot giving Marty and Dana a chance to hit the guard and kill him]
Marty: Good work, zombie arm.
[Dana and Marty escape into the facility and find themselves in the corridors, suddenly they hear a woman’s voice coming through a PA system]
The Director: You shouldn’t be here. This should have gone differently, handled more quickly. I can only imagine your pain and confusion, but know this, what’s happening to you is part of something bigger, something older than anything known. You’ve seen horrible things, an army of nightmare creatures, but they’re nothing compared to what came before. What lies below. It’s our task to placate the ancient ones, as it’s yours to be offered up to them. Forgive us, and let’s get it over with.
[as soon as they hear this Dana and Marty run into a control room and lock themselves in, the SWAT team arrives at that point and start shooting at them]
[as the SWAT team are shooting at them, Dana looks at the monitors showing all the monsters that are locked up]
Dana: Army of nightmares, huh?
[she finds the button for realizing the monsters]
Dana: Let’s get this party started.
[Dana slams the button and releases all the monsters which in turn kill the SWAT team outside the control room and all the staff and scientists in the complex facility]
[barricaded in their control room, with all their monitors showing how the monsters are killing everyone in the facility, Truman tries to get help]
Truman: This is Officer Truman, Security in command. Requesting immediate reinforcement. Code black, I repeat, code black.
Truman: Where the fuck are you guys?
Hadley: Sector 12 down, sector 8 down, sector 3 down! Jesus Christ!
Sitterson: Something went down the utility shafts. Something went…!
Hadley: Something scary!
[suddenly the power gets cut and the room is in blackness]
[Hadley is lying on the ground from the explosion in their control room, he notices the Merman coming towards him]
Hadley: Oh, come on!
[the Merman attack Hadley and kills him]
[after Lin gets eaten by a giant monster with tentacles, Sitterson escapes underground via emergency escape tunnel, but as soon as he gets down there, he’s stabbed by Dana]
Sitterson: It’s you!
[Marty and Dana turn to leave, but Sitterson stops Dana]
Sitterson: No! No! No! Please! Please!
[referring to Marty]
Sitterson: Kill him.
[after Sitterson dies, Marty and Dana end up in an ancient stone chamber where the sacrificial carvings are on the walls]
Dana: Look at these. Five of them.
Marty: What are they?
Dana: Us. I should have seen it, like you did. This is part of the ritual.
Marty: A ritual sacrifice? Great. You tie someone to a stone, get a fancy dagger and a bunch of robes. It’s not that complicated.
Dana: No, it’s simple. They don’t just want to see us killed. They want to see us punished.
Marty: Punished for what?
[suddenly The Director comes up behind them]
The Director: For being young. It’s different in every culture, and it has changed over the years, but it has always required youth. There must be at least five.
[pointing to the carvings on the wall]
The Director: The whore, she’s corrupted, she dies first. The athlete. The scholar. The fool. All suffer and die at the hands of whatever horror they have raised, leaving the last to live or die, as fate decides. The virgin.
Dana: Me? Virgin?
The Director: We work with what we have.
Marty: What if you don’t pull it off?
The Director: They rise.
Dana: Who does?
[they hear a noise from underneath them]
Dana: What’s beneath us?
The Director: The ancient ones. The Gods that used to rule the earth. As long as they accept our sacrifice, they remain below. But the other rituals have all failed.
The Director: The sun is coming up in eight minutes. If you live to see it, the world will end.
Marty: Maybe that’s the way it should be. If you got to kill all my friends to survive, maybe it’s time for a change.
The Director: We’re not talking about change. We’re talking about the agonizing death of every human soul on the planet, including you. You can die with them, or you can die for them.
Marty: This is so enticing.
[then Marty turns and sees Dana pointing the gun he had given to her earlier at him]
Dana: The whole world, Marty.
The Director: Is in your hands, Dana. There is no other way. You have to be strong.
Marty: Yeah, Dana. You have to be strong.
Dana: I’m sorry.
[Marty sees a wolf sneak up behind Dana]
Marty: So am I.
[suddenly the werewolf attacks Dana, Marty grabs the gun and shoots the wolf, then The Director tries to kill Marty and a zombie girl appears in the chamber, Marty manages to kill the Director and the zombie girl]
[last lines; as the chamber starts to shake and collapse, Dana and Marty sit side by side as the world starts to end]
Marty: I’m sorry.
Dana: I’m so sorry I almost shot you. I probably wouldn’t have.
Marty: Hey, no, shh. No, I totally get it. I’m sorry I let you get attacked by a werewolf and then ended the world.
Dana: No, I think you were right. It’s time to give someone else a chance.
[the chamber starts to shake again]
Marty: Giant evil Gods.
Dana: I wish I could have seen it.
Marty: I know. That would have been a fun weekend.
[Dana holds Marty’s hand as the chamber starts to collapse in on them, then a giant hand emerges from the ground under the cabin smashing it, meaning the Gods have awakened and are about to destroy the world]
Total Quotes: 72