Starring: Woody Harrelson, Kaitlin Olson, Ernie Hudson, Cheech Marin, Matt Cook, Mike Smith, Madison Tevlin, Joshua Felder, Kevin Iannucci, Ashton Gunning, Matthew Von Der Ahe, Tom Sinclair, James Day Keith, Alex Hintz, Casey Metcalfe, Bradley Edens
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Story:
Comedy drama directed by Bobby Farrelly. Champions (2023) centers on the story of a former minor-league basketball coach, Marcus (Woody Harrelson), who, after a series of missteps, is ordered by the court to manage a team of players with intellectual disabilities. He soon realizes that despite his doubts, together, this team can go further than they ever imagined.
Best Quotes
Marcus: Truth be told, I should be coaching in the NBA.
Alex: Then why aren’t you?
Alex: You seem to think that I need some hand-holding here, and I’m good. This is not my first time swiping right.
Marcus: Apparently.
Alex: I should’ve known I was in for a real meeting of the minds when I saw you only had one book in your apartment.
Marcus: I actually have many books. They’re in storage. I tend to travel light.
Alex: And it’s called Visualize Success. Powerful stuff.
Marcus: Hey. Don’t knock visualization. That stuff works.
Alex: [as she leaves flipping him off] Yeah? Did you visualize this?
Marcus: No. I visualized you leaving a lot earlier. Did you hear that?
Alex: Wow. What a zinger.
Coach Phil Perretti: Look, Marcus, you know the game better than anybody I have ever played, or coached with. But you got to learn to build relationships, man.
Marcus: Okay. That is so adorable. What, are we living in Hoosier now, and I should go home and work on my inspirational locker room speeches?
Coach Phil Perretti: You were a p**ck in college, and you haven’t changed. That’s why you never stick anywhere. Ohio State. Greece. Turkey.
Marcus: Oh, now, Turkey, that was strictly a language barrier issue.
Coach Phil Perretti: You literally kicked a player in his behind, bruised his coccyx. And he spoke English. The kid was from Detroit.
Attorney McGurk: We got Mary Menendez.”Hanging Mary”.
Marcus: “Hanging Mary”?
Attorney McGurk: She’s the toughest judge in Des Moines. She’s a real stickler. And she does not like drunk drivers.
Marcus: Oh, son of a b**ch.
Attorney McGurk: Woh. Woh. No boo-boo words. Okay? There’s no swearing of any kind in Menendez’s courtroom.
Attorney McGurk: Okay. I’m going to ask you this, and I need you to be honest. Are you drunk right now?
Marcus: No, I’m not drunk.
Attorney McGurk: Okay. Good. Because I’ve had several. One of us needs to be straight.
Attorney McGurk: I told you to let me do the talking.
Marcus: You just smacked me. I’m just telling the truth.
Attorney McGurk: D**kweed.
Marcus: Boo-boo word.
'Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion.' - Julio (Champions) Share on X
Judge Mary Menendez: I will offer you ninety days community service, coaching adults with intellectual disabilities at The Friends Association in Capitol East.
Marcus: Your Honor, when you say “intellectual disabilities”, what are we talking here? Are we talking retar…
Attorney McGurk: Oh.
Marcus: …ded Americans? Because, you know, it seems kind of redundant that, you know, in a sense, Americans, we are re…
Attorney McGurk: [referring to Marcus] Your Honor, I just have to state for the record, I literally just met “What’s His Pickle” here twenty minutes ago. Okay? I don’t think his words should reflect on me going forward, future hearings.
Marcus: If I can’t say the “R” word, what do I call them?
Judge Mary Menendez: May I suggest you call them by their names?
Marcus: That’s very astute, Your Honor.
Marcus: My name is Marcus Marakovich, and I’m going to be your basketball coach for the next three months.
Darius: Nope.
Marcus: Wait. What?
Darius: I said, nope.
Marcus: Is this something he normally does?
Arthur: Nope.
Johnny: That’s Darius. He’s our best player. I’m Johnny. I’m your homie with an extra chromie.
Johnny: I love animals. My sister’s an actress. My dog’s name is Peaches.
Marcus: Johnny, that is one funky musk you got going there, brother. What do you say we end this hug right about now?
Johnny: Okay.
Marcus: Wow. Whew. Okay. My eyes are watering.
'You got the job done. You were fine. And sometimes, that's all a woman can ask for.' - Alex (Champions) Share on X
Johnny: Let’s everybody partner up.
Craig: Coach? I don’t need a partner. I’ve got a girlfriend.
Marcus: Wonderful.
Craig: Actually, I got two.
Cody: No, you don’t.
Blair: It’s the same girl. She just changes her hair.
Benny: And she knows how to get around.
Marcus: Craig, Cody, Blair, we’re going to do a simple ball handling exercise.
Craig: My girlfriend loves those.
Marcus: Can you just forget your girlfriend for a minute? You can play with her later.
Craig: We don’t play. We have sex. I go to her place, and we do it. All the sex moves.
Marcus: It’s impossible to coach these guys.
Julio: You know, impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion.
Marcus: Please don’t quote cat posters to me.
Julio: Look, Marcus, they’re Special Olympics athletes. You don’t have to turn them into the Lakers. They just need to feel like a team.
'Good guys don't leave.' - Johnny, 'Yeah, Johnny, they do. When the NBA calls, they leave.' - Marcus (Champions) Share on X
Julio: It looks like you were doing good.
Marcus: Doing good? I didn’t coach any basketball. I was mostly hearing about Craig’s girlfriend.
Julio: Uh-huh. Huh. I hear he has two.
Marcus: Well, it’s not clear.
Marcus: By the way, what happened to the guy who was coaching before me?
Julio: Oh, we don’t talk about him.
Marcus: They kill him?
Johnny: Do you have a guinea pig?
Marcus: No.
Johnny: I do. Do you want a ride?
Marcus: Who’s driving? Not your guinea pig, I hope.
Johnny: Honeybun can’t drive.
Alex: [after Marcus finds out Alex is Johnny’s sister] Hey, listen, Marcus, you coach The Friends? Is that what I’m hearing?
Marcus: Yep. Yep. Kind of a funny story really.
Alex: Yeah? Tell me.
Marcus: Yeah, well, I mean, it’s not “ha-ha” funny. It’s not even, it’s not funny.
Alex: It didn’t seem like it was going anywhere funny.
Marcus: [referring to Showtime] Hey, has he ever actually hit one of those backward shots?
Marlon: In the five years I’ve played with him, he’s never even hit the rim. But he’s due.
'Champions are brave. That's what it means to be a champion.' - Marcus (Champions) Share on X
Julio: Sounded like you guys were having fun out there today, huh?
Marcus: Yeah. Yeah. Well, Arthur gave me a concussion. But, yeah. Other than that, pretty fun.
Julio: Oh. Well, we don’t have any insurance, so I never heard that.
Marcus: [referring to Benny] Please tell me he’s not going to ride that thing.
Julio: Well, sure. I mean, he lives all the way across town. So he comes back and forth on that scooter every day.
Marcus: I mean, he’s going to kill himself. All that ice.
Julio: Well, as far as I know, he’s never had a single accident. Can you say the same?
Marcus: Touché.
Julio: These guys are capable of a lot more than you think. You’d be surprised.
Julio: I mean, they all live pretty full lives. Now, some have serious disabilities. And others, well, not so much. Sometimes it’s genetic, or something went sideways during childbirth, an infection. We all have something, right?
Marcus: Guys, I thought I told you to wear blue.
Craig: I look better in red.
Craig: My girlfriend is here, and she likes me in red.
Marcus: I’m sure your girlfriend would like you just as much in blue. She’d say, “Oh, my God. Look how handsome Craig looks in blue.”
Craig: She isn’t that corny, man. She’s into nasty stuff.
Cody: Yeah, she is.
Marcus: If you’re not wearing blue, you’re not playing.
Marlon: I suffer from color blindness, so I don’t really know what I’m wearing.
Marcus: Well, luckily, Marlon, you’re wearing blue. So you’re fine.
Marcus: Guys, today, I am going to teach you the most beautiful play in basketball. It’s called the “pick-and-roll”. I love this play. And when it is done right, it gives me a hard-on.
Cody: What the hell?
Marcus: Oh, sorry, Cody. It’s just the truth.
Marlon: Will it give me a hard-on?
Marcus: Well, if you’re lucky, Marlon.
Marcus: My God, you have got to take a shower.
Johnny: Everyone says that.
Marcus: Yeah, and everyone’s right. I mean, I’m tearing.
Marcus: There you have it, the pick-and-roll.
Marlon: Did it give you a hard-on, Coach?
Marcus: No, Marlon. In fact, I think my d**k just evaporated.
Marlon: That sounds serious.
Marcus: Yeah, it is.
Marlon: During drowning, your lungs fill with water, you can’t get proper oxygen, and then…
Marcus: Not now, Wikipedia.
Julio: Look, the bus stop is right over there. Takes you right into the heart of Ames.
Marcus: Hold on. Public bus?
Julio: What are you expecting, a limo?
Marcus: Okay. So I guess we’re just waiting on this Cosentino.
Marlon: Cosentino had a grade two ankle sprain. She just came back off from the injured reserve for kicking a**!
Marcus: Kicking a**. I like that.
Marlon: No. Literally, she kicked some guy in the a**.
Craig: There she is.
Team: [chants] Cosentino! Cosentino! Cosentino!
Cosentino: Who the hell are you?
Marcus: I’m Marcus, the coach. Welcome to the team, Cosentino.
Cosentino: Look, don’t flirt with me. Okay? Let’s keep this professional. I’m Ms. Cosentino to you.
Marcus: Beg pardon. Ms. Cosentino.
Marcus: You know, we’re going to play basketball. We’re not surfing.
Cosentino: I know.
Marcus: Well, what’s with the boogie board?
Cosentino: Sometimes these things come in handy.
Marcus: Okay. A boogie board?
Cosentino: Yes. So you do you, I do me. Okay? Where did you get this guy?
Blair: He just showed up one day.
Bus Driver: They are being disruptive. I got hit in the head with something. I got one guy talking my ear off. I got Adele over there just singing at the top of his lungs.
Marcus: Look, I don’t see any signs around here that says “no singing”.
Alex: [referring to Johnny] He’s afraid of water. He almost drowned in a swimming pool when we were kids. Long story.
Marcus: Oh. Oh, is that how he got, you know, got the…
Alex: How he got Down syndrome? No, you don’t catch it from water. It’s genetic.
Marcus: Sorry. I’m just, I’m new to all this, so.
Alex: Yeah, I can tell.
Marcus: The driver was an a**hole, right?
Johnny: Big-time.
Alex: Oh, he was one of your people. Oh, I’m surprised you guys couldn’t have worked something out.
Marcus: No, we did work something out. We worked ourselves right out of the bus and into a field in the middle of Iowa, so.
Blair: Oh, my knee.
Cosentino: Your knee is a long way from your heart. Suck it up. Go back in the game.
Marlon: Winnipeg is the exact longitudinal center of Canada!
Marcus: How do you know that?
Marlon: I know things.
Marcus: Are you going to murder me right now?
Alex: Let me break this down for you, Coach. I’m a woman in my forties. I don’t have time for bulls**t, alright?
Alex: I perform Shakespeare for middle school kids right after lunch. Do you know what middle school kids want to be doing right after lunch?
Marcus: No.
Alex: It ain’t Shakespeare.
Alex: I do a lot of freelance bookkeeping because Shakespeare, and brace yourself here, this might blow your mind, doesn’t pay so much.
Alex: If I have any energy left at the end of the night, sometimes I hop on Tinder, okay? Because a woman’s got needs.
Marcus: Oh, yeah. Well, no doubt.
Alex: And you might be a big, giant pain in my a**, but as far as I remember, you were passable in bed.
Marcus: Passable, like passing the bar, or passing a kidney stone?
Alex: You got the job done. You were fine, right? And sometimes, that’s all a woman can ask for.
Alex: So the bottom line is, are we doing this or what?
Marcus: Consider me swiped off my feet.
Marcus: You see that?! Now, that’s the pick-and-roll, baby.
Marlon: Did it give you an erection, Coach?
Marcus: I’m rock hard, Marlon.
Marlon: Good.
Marcus: I’ll explain that later.
Alex: I can’t wait.
Headband: Don’t make me say it.
Marcus: Make you say what?
Headband: They’re r***rds.
Marcus: [as he punches the man in the gut] That’s a boo-boo word.
Marcus: You caught me. I try to keep that hidden in there, but it’s Shakespeare for dummies.
Alex: A second book? I mean, I don’t even know what to say. I just never would have visualized that.
Alex: So you’re into Shakespeare, huh?
Marcus: I art interested in certain personages who art interested in Shakespeare.
Alex: Art thou, now?
Marcus: I really art.
Marcus: Why would you want to be friends with me, anyway?
Sonny: I don’t know, man. It seemed like you could use one.
Marcus: Well, I was just wondering, are they still underutilizing your talents here?
Sonny: I’m still catching farts, if that answers your question.
Sonny: So, wait. Is this a friendship or mentorship type thing? Are we talking profesh or soche? Or both?
Marcus: It’s early days, so let’s not label it yet.
Dot: So you’ve been a busy man.
Marcus: What do you mean?
Dot: Well, you’re coaching Johnny. And you and Alex, you know.
Marcus: No, I don’t know.
Dot: You don’t know?
Marcus: No. I don’t know.
Dot: Well, you know what you know.
Marcus: Well, I know that I don’t know what you think you know.
Dot: You’re sleeping together, you two.
Alex: Oh, my God, Mom.
Dot: Don’t deny it. You’re having sex. I can tell. Peaches can tell, for crying out loud.
Johnny: You and Coach are doing sex moves?
Cosentino: I have Down syndrome. I’m not deaf. Got it, slick?
Sonny: Got it.
Cosentino: [to Marcus] What’s the matter, girlfriend problems?
Marcus: I don’t have a girlfriend.
Cosentino: Makes sense.
Marcus: Oh, what, am I that bad looking?
Cosentino: You’re no McConaughey.
Marcus: I thought you wanted to go live with the three amigos. Why didn’t you tell your sister?
Johnny: I want to go, but good guys don’t leave.
Marcus: Just stop giving me the stink eye.
Johnny: Okay.
Marcus: You’re still giving me the stink eye, Johnny.
Johnny: I’m not.
Marcus: You are.
Johnny: Not!
Marcus: You are.
Marcus: I know why you don’t want to play for me.
Darius: I hate drunk drivers.
Marcus: Yeah, I get it. I mean, obviously, I don’t get it, get it. But I, you know, I get it.
Darius: You still drink alcohol?
Marcus: Sometimes. Definitely not as much.
Darius: You still drive drunk?
Marcus: Darius, you can choose to believe me or not, but I know for a fact that I will never, ever do that again. Never.
Jalen Rose: [on TV] You know what? I respect the grind. I see you, Marcus.
Scott Van Pelt: The Friends are just one win away from qualifying for the regional tournament. We hope you make it to the dance, Coach. We’ll be watching.
Marcus: Yeah, you watch, Van Pelt.
Marcus: So, what did your jacka** boss say to you when you stood up to him?
Benny: He said, “You’re fired.”
Marcus: Marlon, go in for Craig.
Marlon: I would, Coach, but I’m having a bit of a thrombosis flare-up.
Cosentino: [blocking the locker room] No. Players only.
Marcus: What are you talking about, Cosentino? Get out of the way.
Cosentino: Players only. If you come near me, I’ll “Me Too” your a**.
Johnny: I don’t want to play for Coach.
Cosentino: You don’t have to play for Coach. We play for each other. Right?
Cosentino: [to Johnny] And your sister is a grown woman who can have sex with whoever she wants. Even a dogface like Coach.
Darius: My mama’s a Christian. She wants me to forgive the lady that hit me. I’ve tried, but I can’t. But I thought maybe I could practice on you. So, I’ll play for you, Coach, in regionals.
Marcus: Are you messing with me right now?
Darius: Nope.
Marcus: I think I might cry. Thank you. You made an old man happy.
Marcus: I just want you to keep breathing, and I want you to use your imagination and visualize this. We are up in Winnipeg. Championship game has just ended. We are at center court, jumping up and down, celebrating. Streamers and confetti are falling, and the crowd is cheering us because we are champions! Okay, you can open your eyes now. Anybody see that?
Blair: No.
Johnny: Good guys don’t leave!
Marcus: Yeah, Johnny, they do. When the NBA calls, they leave.
Marcus: Apparently, Seattle’s getting roughed up in the press, needed a feel-good story, you know, to change the subject. And, look at me. Mr. Feel-Good.
Alex: It’s a little exploitative though, isn’t it?
Marcus: No. I’m not exploiting anybody. You know that I love these guys.
Alex: I mean, you were court ordered to care, so. It’s not exactly the same.
Marcus: I seem to remember you telling me that you have no interest in getting involved.
Alex: Yeah, I did. And then it changed. And you know it changed.
Marcus: Okay. I knew they changed for me. I didn’t know they changed for you until just now. Happy to hear you acknowledge that.
Dot: [as she answers the door to Marcus] So, what are you hoping for? A little afternoon quickie?
Alex: Mom. Good God. Go.
Dot: I’m just trying to be helpful.
Marcus: Tomorrow, we got the gold medal game. So I need you to go back to your room and get a good night’s rest.
Marlon: Sure thing, Coach. We’ll do it.
Marcus: Alright. Good night.
Team: Good night, Coach. Buy.
Alex: Look at you, laying down the law.
Marcus: They respect me.
[cut to the team partying and skiing in the hotel hallway]
Marcus: What’s the problem? Why are you guys all looking so freaked out?
Johnny: Coach, the other team is called The Beasts!
Marlon: They’re the “beasts”, we’re the “friends”. Based on our names, I don’t like our chances.
Cosentino: They’re frigging giants.
Marcus: We have trained. We have practiced. We are in shape.
Marcus: [as he looks over to The Beasts team] We are in trouble.
Marcus: Those dudes are scary. But this is your shot at being champions. And guess what. Champions are brave. That’s what it means to be a champion.
Marlon: Actually, the dictionary definition of “champion” is…
Marcus: Not now, Marlon.
Marcus: [to the team] You can’t be afraid to fail. You can’t be afraid to lose. You can do it, because I know you’re brave. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you do things that were hard. Things that felt impossible. And I’m not just talking as players. I’m talking as people.
Marcus: Cosentino. Hey, I don’t know if you’re brave, or bats**t crazy, but I know you’re a champion.
Marcus: I mean, honestly, the stuff you guys put up with from ignorant people every day. Come on. You’re all brave. You are all champions. Let’s go out there and show those guys what champions are made of, okay?
Marlon: Coach, I think I may have sprained my finger.
Marcus: I’m sure you’ll be fine, Marlon.
Marlon: No, Coach. This doesn’t feel right.
[holds up his hand to reveal his little finger bent to the side]
Marcus: Guys, we lost. We came here to be champions.
Johnny: But we’re already champions, Coach.
Darius: Yeah, you said that yourself.
Johnny: [as he gives Marcus his shirt] Here, take this. This is for you. Now you’re a champion too, Coach.
Alex: Change is good, right?
Alex: When are you off to Seattle?
Marcus: I’m not.
Alex: What do you mean?
Marcus: Well, I called them, said I’m not coming. You were right. Those guys are d**ks. I don’t want to be the fig leaf covering those d**ks. Did I go long with that analogy?
Alex: I stopped listening after I heard that I was right. It just kind of seems like you want to say “d**ks” a lot.
Trailer: