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Starring: Woody Harrelson, Kaitlin Olson, Ernie Hudson, Cheech Marin, Matt Cook, Mike Smith, Madison Tevlin, Joshua Felder, Kevin Iannucci, Ashton Gunning, Matthew Von Der Ahe, Tom Sinclair, James Day Keith, Alex Hintz, Casey Metcalfe, Bradley Edens
OUR RATING: ★★★½
Story:
Comedy drama directed by Bobby Farrelly. Champions (2023) centers on the story of a former minor-league basketball coach, Marcus (Woody Harrelson), who, after a series of missteps, is ordered by the court to manage a team of players with intellectual disabilities. He soon realizes that despite his doubts, together, this team can go further than they ever imagined.
Best Quotes
Marcus: Truth be told, I should be coaching in the NBA.
Alex: Then why aren’t you?
Alex: You seem to think that I need some hand-holding here, and I’m good. This is not my first time swiping right.
Marcus: Apparently.
Alex: I should’ve known I was in for a real meeting of the minds when I saw you only had one book in your apartment.
Marcus: I actually have many books. They’re in storage. I tend to travel light.
Alex: And it’s called Visualize Success. Powerful stuff.
Marcus: Hey. Don’t knock visualization. That stuff works.
Alex: [as she leaves flipping him off] Yeah? Did you visualize this?
Marcus: No. I visualized you leaving a lot earlier. Did you hear that?
Alex: Wow. What a zinger.
Coach Phil Perretti: Look, Marcus, you know the game better than anybody I have ever played, or coached with. But you got to learn to build relationships, man.
Marcus: Okay. That is so adorable. What, are we living in Hoosier now, and I should go home and work on my inspirational locker room speeches?
Coach Phil Perretti: You were a p**ck in college, and you haven’t changed. That’s why you never stick anywhere. Ohio State. Greece. Turkey.
Marcus: Oh, now, Turkey, that was strictly a language barrier issue.
Coach Phil Perretti: You literally kicked a player in his behind, bruised his coccyx. And he spoke English. The kid was from Detroit.
Attorney McGurk: We got Mary Menendez.”Hanging Mary”.
Marcus: “Hanging Mary”?
Attorney McGurk: She’s the toughest judge in Des Moines. She’s a real stickler. And she does not like drunk drivers.
Marcus: Oh, son of a b**ch.
Attorney McGurk: Woh. Woh. No boo-boo words. Okay? There’s no swearing of any kind in Menendez’s courtroom.
Attorney McGurk: Okay. I’m going to ask you this, and I need you to be honest. Are you drunk right now?
Marcus: No, I’m not drunk.
Attorney McGurk: Okay. Good. Because I’ve had several. One of us needs to be straight.
Attorney McGurk: I told you to let me do the talking.
Marcus: You just smacked me. I’m just telling the truth.
Attorney McGurk: D**kweed.
Marcus: Boo-boo word.
'Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion.' - Julio (Champions) Share on X
Judge Mary Menendez: I will offer you ninety days community service, coaching adults with intellectual disabilities at The Friends Association in Capitol East.
Marcus: Your Honor, when you say “intellectual disabilities”, what are we talking here? Are we talking retar…
Attorney McGurk: Oh.
Marcus: …ded Americans? Because, you know, it seems kind of redundant that, you know, in a sense, Americans, we are re…
Attorney McGurk: [referring to Marcus] Your Honor, I just have to state for the record, I literally just met “What’s His Pickle” here twenty minutes ago. Okay? I don’t think his words should reflect on me going forward, future hearings.
Marcus: If I can’t say the “R” word, what do I call them?
Judge Mary Menendez: May I suggest you call them by their names?
Marcus: That’s very astute, Your Honor.
Marcus: My name is Marcus Marakovich, and I’m going to be your basketball coach for the next three months.
Darius: Nope.
Marcus: Wait. What?
Darius: I said, nope.
Marcus: Is this something he normally does?
Arthur: Nope.
Johnny: That’s Darius. He’s our best player. I’m Johnny. I’m your homie with an extra chromie.
Johnny: I love animals. My sister’s an actress. My dog’s name is Peaches.
Marcus: Johnny, that is one funky musk you got going there, brother. What do you say we end this hug right about now?
Johnny: Okay.
Marcus: Wow. Whew. Okay. My eyes are watering.
'You got the job done. You were fine. And sometimes, that's all a woman can ask for.' - Alex (Champions) Share on X
Johnny: Let’s everybody partner up.
Craig: Coach? I don’t need a partner. I’ve got a girlfriend.
Marcus: Wonderful.
Craig: Actually, I got two.
Cody: No, you don’t.
Blair: It’s the same girl. She just changes her hair.
Benny: And she knows how to get around.
Marcus: Craig, Cody, Blair, we’re going to do a simple ball handling exercise.
Craig: My girlfriend loves those.
Marcus: Can you just forget your girlfriend for a minute? You can play with her later.
Craig: We don’t play. We have sex. I go to her place, and we do it. All the sex moves.
Marcus: It’s impossible to coach these guys.
Julio: You know, impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion.
Marcus: Please don’t quote cat posters to me.
Julio: Look, Marcus, they’re Special Olympics athletes. You don’t have to turn them into the Lakers. They just need to feel like a team.
'Good guys don't leave.' - Johnny, 'Yeah, Johnny, they do. When the NBA calls, they leave.' - Marcus (Champions) Share on X
Julio: It looks like you were doing good.
Marcus: Doing good? I didn’t coach any basketball. I was mostly hearing about Craig’s girlfriend.
Julio: Uh-huh. Huh. I hear he has two.
Marcus: Well, it’s not clear.
Marcus: By the way, what happened to the guy who was coaching before me?
Julio: Oh, we don’t talk about him.
Marcus: They kill him?
Johnny: Do you have a guinea pig?
Marcus: No.
Johnny: I do. Do you want a ride?
Marcus: Who’s driving? Not your guinea pig, I hope.
Johnny: Honeybun can’t drive.
Alex: [after Marcus finds out Alex is Johnny’s sister] Hey, listen, Marcus, you coach The Friends? Is that what I’m hearing?
Marcus: Yep. Yep. Kind of a funny story really.
Alex: Yeah? Tell me.
Marcus: Yeah, well, I mean, it’s not “ha-ha” funny. It’s not even, it’s not funny.
Alex: It didn’t seem like it was going anywhere funny.
Marcus: [referring to Showtime] Hey, has he ever actually hit one of those backward shots?
Marlon: In the five years I’ve played with him, he’s never even hit the rim. But he’s due.
'Champions are brave. That's what it means to be a champion.' - Marcus (Champions) Share on X
Julio: Sounded like you guys were having fun out there today, huh?
Marcus: Yeah. Yeah. Well, Arthur gave me a concussion. But, yeah. Other than that, pretty fun.
Julio: Oh. Well, we don’t have any insurance, so I never heard that.
Marcus: [referring to Benny] Please tell me he’s not going to ride that thing.
Julio: Well, sure. I mean, he lives all the way across town. So he comes back and forth on that scooter every day.
Marcus: I mean, he’s going to kill himself. All that ice.
Julio: Well, as far as I know, he’s never had a single accident. Can you say the same?
Marcus: Touché.
Julio: These guys are capable of a lot more than you think. You’d be surprised.
Julio: I mean, they all live pretty full lives. Now, some have serious disabilities. And others, well, not so much. Sometimes it’s genetic, or something went sideways during childbirth, an infection. We all have something, right?
Marcus: Guys, I thought I told you to wear blue.
Craig: I look better in red.
Craig: My girlfriend is here, and she likes me in red.
Marcus: I’m sure your girlfriend would like you just as much in blue. She’d say, “Oh, my God. Look how handsome Craig looks in blue.”
Craig: She isn’t that corny, man. She’s into nasty stuff.
Cody: Yeah, she is.
Marcus: If you’re not wearing blue, you’re not playing.
Marlon: I suffer from color blindness, so I don’t really know what I’m wearing.
Marcus: Well, luckily, Marlon, you’re wearing blue. So you’re fine.
Marcus: Guys, today, I am going to teach you the most beautiful play in basketball. It’s called the “pick-and-roll”. I love this play. And when it is done right, it gives me a hard-on.
Cody: What the hell?
Marcus: Oh, sorry, Cody. It’s just the truth.
Marlon: Will it give me a hard-on?
Marcus: Well, if you’re lucky, Marlon.
Trailer: