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Starring: Gabrielle Union, Zach Braff, Erika Christensen, Timon Kyle Durrett, Journee Brown, Kylie Rogers, Andre Robinson, Caylee Blosenski, Aryan Simhadri, Leo Abelo Perry, Mykal-Michelle Harris, Christian Cote, Sebastian Cote, Luke Prael
OUR RATING: ★★☆☆☆
Disney+ family comedy directed by Gail Learner. Cheaper by the Dozen (2022) follows the exploits of a blended family of twelve, the Bakers, led by Zoey and Paul Baker (Gabrielle Union and Zach Braff) as they navigate a hectic home life while simultaneously managing their family business.
Our Favorite Quotes:'Sometimes, one of the most loving things you can do for someone is tell them a hard truth that they really need to hear.' - Paul Baker (Cheaper by the Dozen) Click To Tweet
Paul Baker: Welcome to our family. We’re the Bakers. We’re a big family full of big dreamers.
Zoey Baker: I’m Zoey. And this is Paul. Right now, our dream is getting everyone out of the house on time.
Paul Baker: We also have two fur babies. Bark Obama and Joe Biting.
Luca: Dryer’s broke again.
Paul Baker: How did you get down here so fast?
Luca: Laundry chute.
Paul Baker: We have a laundry chute?
Luca: Yeah. Keep up, Dad.
Ella: [referring to her Instagram] Dude, I got a new follower.
Harley: It’s probably Mom.
Ella: It is Mom.
Zoey Baker: What are you doing here? And more importantly, why did we give you a key?
Kate: Is that any way to greet the pinch hitter babysitter who’s here to save the day?
Paul Baker: And that’s why we gave her a key.
Paul Baker: Okay. Two moms, one dad, and a ragtag group of nine kids. I know what you’re thinking, and, no, we’re not a cult. But we’re definitely different.
Paul Baker: You see, we run our own family restaurant, Baker’s Breakfast. A mom and pop, and daughter, and daughter, and son, and son, and daughter breakfast spot.
Zoey Baker: [flashback to when Paul first meets Zoey at his diner] This unkind gentleman is trying to force us to have hot soup and shepherd’s pie for breakfast.
Young Deja: Why? Were we bad?
Zoey Baker: Sir, please tell my adorable children why they can’t have delicious eggs and fluffy flapjacks.
Zoey Baker: It’s amazing. I mean, you’re like the Willy Wonka of sauces. You know, minus the unpaid, exploited Oompa-Loompa workforce, of course.
Paul Baker: Clearly, you haven’t looked in the kitchen yet. This place runs on Loompa.
Zoey Baker: By the way, that whole “we stop serving breakfast at eleven” thing, that has to stop. I need to be able to eat this breakfast, with that sauce, twenty-four-seven.
Paul Baker: It’s an interesting idea. I’ll run it by the owner. Oh, wait! That’s me. I love it.
Zoey Baker: I traded four-star restaurants for twenty-four hour diners. I dusted off my marketing degree, and we became business partners.
Paul Baker: Six months after that, we turned our two families into one. And we made all our dreams come true. A big, beautiful family, a booming business, and around the clock breakfast. Even our wedding cake was made of waffles.
Paul Baker: And as hectic as our life can get, it always somehow feels just right.
Kate: What are you guys playing?
Luna: Drag race.
Kate: Oh, fun! I love RuPaul.
Luca: Before you say anything, it’s not what it seems.
Zoey Baker: So you guys weren’t having a Fast and Furious style race against Danny Chen for money?
Luna: Woh. I just realized, we’re not smarter than you.
Paul Baker: Go to your room.
Luca: But don’t you want to do our TikTok dance with us, Daddy?
Luna: Yeah, because we’re so irresistibly adorable.
Paul Baker: Don’t try and charm me with our TikTok dance. And you’re not even doing it right. You have to clap the back of the hands and then throw. You’re an embarrassment to the family. Go to your room.
Luna: We tried.
Luca: We always do.
Kate: Well, my new therapist says I have issues with being a disciplinarian.
Paul Baker: You have another new therapist?
Kate: But then, my new new therapist made me realize I missed my old new therapist, so it’s out with the new, in with the old.
Paul Baker: That makes total sense.
Kate: Yeah. I know, right?
Paul Baker: How are you? What are you doing in town?
Dom Clayton: You know, just got back. Thought I’d come by and see the kids. I hope that’s not a problem.
Kate: No. You’re handsome and famous. Come over anytime.
Dom Clayton: I don’t know if you knew or not, but, you know, big feet run in our family. And what are you? About, what, I’d say a ten?
Paul Baker: I was born with tiny toes, Dom. It’s not something I like to joke about. But since you asked, nine and three quarters.
DJ: Oh, Paul.
'I got my family, and a life that's the perfect size for all of our dreams. And at the end of the day, there is no sweeter dream than that.' - Paul Baker (Cheaper by the Dozen) Click To Tweet
Zoey Baker: Baby, I love your little feet, and I love that we can share the same shoes.
Paul Baker: We don’t share the same shoes. I wore your UGGs once.
Paul Baker: [sarcastically] Yay, Dom’s moving back. More Dom.
Zoey Baker: Paul.
Paul Baker: I know. It’ll be great with the kids. It’s just, it’s definitely going to be weird having him around.
Zoey Baker: Unlike the totally normal way that Kate’s around all the time?
Paul Baker: [referring to Dom] I think it’s sad that he feels the need to make himself feel bigger by coming in here, and like showering us all with these expensive headphones. Like, “We get it. You’re an ex-football player, with giant feet, and a Japanese toilet that washes your butt.”
Zoey Baker: Not sure how you know about that.
Paul Baker: And for the record, I am very secure in my size nine and a half Converse.
Zoey Baker: I love it when you talk sensible sneaker to me.
Nerdy Friend #2: How is it genetically possible that Dominic Clayton is your pops? I mean, no offense, dude.
DJ: Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would I be offended to you totally offending me down to the genetic level?
Dom Clayton: [at Deja’s basketball game] That’s my daughter!
Paul Baker: Yes. That’s also my daughter!
Dom Clayton: But biologically, she’s mine!
Paul Baker: Yeah, I claim her on my taxes, so.
Zoey Baker: Okay. You’re both being super ridiculous.
DJ: [referring to Paul and Dom] Mom, make them stop.
Zoey Baker: What am I going to do? I’m the idiot that married both of them.
DJ: Oh, well, thank God for that.
DJ: How did you get an F on your computer science quiz? Like, I just don’t get it.
Haresh: Why? Because all Indian people are supposed to be geniuses? Or all Black people can dance? We know that’s not true. You know what? Zoey, show these idiots what a rhythmless Black person looks like.
Paul Baker: I’m finally, finally in a position where I can give the kids something they really need. And not dumb things, like fancy headphones, and flashy sneakers. I want to give my wife a walk-in closet.
Zoey Baker: Thank you. I appreciate that. But your wife already had a walk-in closet that she walked away from. What I’m hearing is that you want a walk-in closet.
Paul Baker: I really do.
Zoey Baker: I see that.
Bailey: Our tummies hurt.
Paul Baker: How could both of your tummies hurt?
Bronx: We’re twins, Dad. You know how this kind of thing goes.
Paul Baker: [referring to the pool] It’s so beautiful, baby. You want to get in?
Zoey Baker: Not right now. I’m a little uncomfortable. I mean, look around. Everyone is staring at us like we’re weird.
Paul Baker: Of course they’re staring at us. We are weird, babe. Look at our kids. Our kids are weirdos.
Zoey Baker: [to Paul] Honey, believe it or not, I don’t share the same sense of privilege that you do that I can just go anywhere and automatically belong.
Zoey Baker: A few times in your life, you felt like you didn’t belong. I feel that way all the time.
Paul Baker: This is our home. And they’re going to have to get used to us.
Tricia: Oh, wow. You are so brave to let your kids invite so many of their friends over. Two is my limit.
Zoey Baker: Oh, no. Actually, they’re all ours.
Tricia: Oh. Okay. Well, I actually have three, so I know what it’s like to have my hands full.
Zoey Baker: Yeah, I’ve gone days without seeing three of my kids.
Paul Baker: Family has each other’s back.
Haresh: No, playboy. Newcomers don’t get the top bunk. There’s a hierarchy here. They serve us dinner around seven. We work in the kitchen on weekends. You get your exercise outside on the yard.
Haresh: [to Seth] Now, this is where it all goes down. While you’re here, I suggest you link up with a crew for protection. Got your Beckys, got your lifers. That one has been in for eighteen years. The little ones are soft. You don’t want to get mixed up with them. They can’t protect you.
DJ: What are you guys doing?
Haresh: [referring to Seth] Oh, you know, just showing the little homey the ropes, so he knows how to survive on the inside.
DJ: Dude, have you been watching Locked Up again?
Haresh: There may or may not have been a forty-eight hour marathon on MSNBC. Leave me alone, dude.
Bronx: We liked it better when your bedroom was right next to ours.
Bailey: Now it’s too far. We can’t crawl in your bed or hear you through the walls anymore.
Paul Baker: Exactly. Which means you won’t grow up to be freaky men with weird issues.
Bailey: That can happen?
Paul Baker: No, no, no. The second you’re an adult, all your problems go away.
Zoey Baker: [after they’ve got the kids ready for school] I really feel like there were a few extra children in there.
Paul Baker: I didn’t recognize some of them.
Paul Baker: [to Zoey] Us being on the same page means everything to me.
Zoey Baker: [referring to Deja] Oh, my goodness. What? I had no idea what was under all those baggy clothes and basketball shorts. My baby’s a woman.
Haresh: A woman that could be in a Drake video.
Paul Baker: Alright. That’s it. None of you girls are ever dating.
Luna: That’s sexist.
Paul Baker: You know what? You’re right. None of you are ever dating.
DJ: Yoh, who was the baddie with the fat Kardashian butt?
Haresh: That was your sister.
Paul Baker: That’s what you get for looking at butts.
DJ: Me and my dad, we have nothing in common. I feel like you and I, we connect on a much deeper level.
Paul Baker: Aw, DJ. That is so sweet.
DJ: I mean, he’s this super successful, handsome athlete, who can basically do everything. You’re the complete opposite.
Paul Baker: Oh.
DJ: You’re an ordinary guy like me, with average looks and ordinary body.
Paul Baker: Wow. Okay. That’s starting to be a little hurtful.
DJ: Thanks for being so average and relatable, Paul.
Paul Baker: I am always here to be ordinary for you.
Zoey Baker: My kids are so over me.
Tricia: Oh. Mine were never into me.
Anne: Zo, I still can’t believe you have ten kids and no nanny.
Karen Pool Club Mom: Wait. You have ten kids? Consensually?
Zoey Baker: Well, technically, they’re not all mine. You know, three are from Paul’s first marriage. And then we took in our nephew, who was getting into some bad stuff. You know, fighting, and gangs, and…
Tricia: Oh, no. That’s awful.
Anne: And you’re bringing him here to this safe, equity-growing, gated community. I mean, it’s so thoughtful of you.
Karen Pool Club Mom: That’s how it always goes. Dad’s jet-setting away while Mom’s stuck at home with the kids.
Anne: Yes. I agree.
Zoey Baker: Shockingly, I enjoy being with my kids.
Tricia: I do too.
Karen Pool Club Mom: I do too. Yeah.
Anne: That’s hilarious. “I do too.” You guys are funny.
Paul Baker: [referring to Bailey and Bronx] They love soap.
Zoey Baker: I don’t know why. They don’t use it.
Paul Baker: Look, Zoey, this is my dream.
Zoey Baker: Right. Your dream. And I’m dreamless. I’m going to bed. But I won’t dream.
Paul Baker: [over phone] Hey. It’s so good to hear your voice. How’s everything going?
Zoey Baker: Oh, you know, house is messy. Restaurant’s busy. The littles went to school dressed like complete maniacs five out of five days this week.
School Receptionist: Oh, I didn’t know Haresh had two moms.
Zoey Baker: Yes. Oh, no. No. We’re not together.
School Receptionist: Oh, I’m sorry.
Kate: No. We never were. But life is long.
Zoey Baker: Not that long.
Paul Baker: DJ, what is this outfit?
DJ: Just doing what you told me to do to get girls. And look, it’s working!
Dom Clayton: You told my son to be a Satanist?
Paul Baker: No. No, no, no, no, no. I told him to get into whatever the girl he likes is into. I didn’t know that she was into punk rock Fonzie.
Zoey Baker: Paul, you got to face it. It’s not going to work, because it’s not working. This neighborhood. The schools. The franchise. None of it is right for us.
Paul Baker: I’ve been gone so much I really had no idea everyone was this unhappy. I don’t know. I guess, I just, I was trying to prove to you that I could give everybody everything they wanted. I don’t know. I got carried away by those Barbies, and they almost convinced me to make lunch.
Zoey Baker: That’s blasphemy.
Paul Baker: You’re right. This isn’t us. This McMansion, and the private schools, and that ring.
Zoey Baker: Woh. Woh. The ring, the ring works.
Dom Clayton: I went from a little, skinny kid in the Wild 100s on the South Side of Chicago, to a three-time MVP. And I still get pulled over in every city I live in. You can’t prepare him for that. Because you have no idea what that’s like. How it feels. How terrifying it is. Every time.
Paul Baker: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I have never experienced that, and I never will. And I respect everything you’re saying. But one thing I do have. I have an incredible bond with both of your kids, because I’m here, boots-on-the-ground. And I love them. And they love me. And I am doing absolutely everything I can.
Dom Clayton: And I’m saying that’s not good enough.
Seth’s Neighbor: Who invited the Jackson Nine? If y’all looking for Disneyland, you made a wrong turn.
Seth: Let’s face it. I’m never going to fit into your fancy new life.
Paul Baker: Well, guess what. We don’t fit in with our fancy new life either.
Dom Clayton: I overreacted, you know, about the whole full custody thing. I don’t mean that. You know, you and Zoey are raising an amazing family here, and I’m glad you guys are part of it. And you’re right, Paul. I missed out on a lot of the boots-on-the-ground stuff. You know, teaching this guy to brush his teeth, ride a bike…
Paul Baker: Do not regret the teeth stuff. I’m telling you, a four year-old’s morning breath, it’s like a tiny dragon melting your face.
Paul Baker: So, wait, you’re jealous of me?
Dom Clayton: No. No, Of course not.
Paul Baker: That wouldn’t make any sense.
Dom Clayton: [after agreeing to go to Comin-Con with DJ] What did I just get myself into here?
Paul Baker: You, my friend, just got yourself into a pair of four XL tights and a cape. That’s going to be great.
Paul Baker: [to Melanie and Michele] I would rather be broke and at home, making omelets for my kids than being a corporate sellout, making soup for you two.
Paul Baker: You know, sometimes, one of the most loving things you can do for someone is tell them a hard truth that they really need to hear.
Deja: You suck at basketball.
Paul Baker: Why would you lie when I just gave you a lecture about the truth?
Paul Baker: [after they move back to LA] And we found the perfect home for our perfectly imperfect family.
Paul Baker: So I didn’t get my franchise, but I got something better. I got my family, and a life that’s the perfect size for all of our dreams. And at the end of the day, there is no sweeter dream than that.