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Starring: Keri Russell, O’Shea Jackson Jr., Ray Liotta, Alden Ehrenreich, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Kristofer Hivju, Christian Convery-Jennings, Brooklynn Prince, Margo Martindale, Isiah Whitlock Jr., Hannah Hoekstra, Aaron Holliday
OUR RATING: ★★★☆☆
Black comedy thriller directed by Elizabeth Banks. Inspired by a true story set in 1985, Cocaine Bear (2023) follows the story of a drug runner’s plane crash, missing cocaine, and the black bear that ate it. An oddball group of cops, criminals, tourists, and teens converging in a Georgia forest where a bear has ingested a staggering amount of cocaine and gone on a drug-fueled rampage for more blow and blood.
Olaf (Kristoffer): [to Elsa] You know the first thing I thought when I saw you? I thought, “I want to make a child with that person.”
Elsa: Yeah, it’s just that I don’t want to use your brother’s band.
Olaf (Kristoffer): Why not? He’s super, super good. He works super hard. And he even takes vocal lessons now.
Elsa: Yeah, I know this. I know this. It’s just that, well, Eric is no good. I mean, he’s, well, terrible, actually. His singing is like s**t.
Elsa: I’ve always wanted to see a bear in real life.
Olaf (Kristoffer): First humpbacks in Iceland, and now this!
Elsa: We have such good luck in nature.
Olaf (Kristoffer): [as he sees the bear attacking the tree] Did you see that? It’s demented or something.
Elsa: What? Can I get the camera? Give me the camera. Demented?
Olaf (Kristoffer): I think we should leave it. There’s something wrong with it.
Olaf (Kristoffer): [as the bear pops up near them] Oh, f***. Don’t panic.
Elsa: What do we do?
Olaf (Kristoffer): “If it’s black, fight back. If it’s brown, lay down.”
Elsa: But is it black or is it brown? I mean, it looks brown to me.
Olaf (Kristoffer): We’re in Appalachia. It’s black. We have to fight it.
Elsa: How do you know? You’re not a bear expert.
Olaf (Kristoffer): [as the bear is approaching them] Whatever you do, don’t…
Olaf (Kristoffer): Oh, no. Oh, no. I said don’t run! Stop! Stop!
News Anchor: Millions of dollars worth of cocaine dropped from the sky early today onto a driveway in Knoxville, Tennessee.
Bob: I know who that is. Full name, Andrew C. Thornton II. Man was out of his mind.
Officer Reba: What’s the “C” stand for? You said “full name”, but you didn’t say his full name.
Eddie: [referring to the tattoo on his chest] They spelled her name wrong, Daveed. It says “John”.
Daveed: Says “John”.
Eddie: Her name is f***ing Joan.
Daveed: Look, we could get it fixed.
Eddie: No. I got to wait a week for it to heal first. I got seven more days of “John”.
Henry: [to Dee Dee] Why do I skip school with you? You’re bossier than the teachers.
Henry: [to Dee Dee] For a girl who likes to be left alone, you do a lot of s**t for attention.
Vest: Is that perfume?
Ranger Liz: That’s none of your business.
Vest: Well, it smells really nice.
Ranger Liz: Yeah, well, it’s European.
Peter: What’s that smell?
Vest: It’s European.
Peter: You got a dusty beaver here, Ranger.
Ranger Liz: Yeah, well, I’m working on that.
Dee Dee: Seriously, what the hell are you even doing?
Henry: Marking our territory.
Dee Dee: Ugh! Don’t s**t out here!
Henry: I’m not s**tting.
Dee Dee: This is definitely cocaine.
Henry: Yeah. Of course. I’m just not used to seeing it like that. You know, it’s usually more powdery on the streets.
Dee Dee: When have you seen cocaine on the streets?
Henry: When I do it.
Dee Dee: Faulk does not do cocaine after church.
Dee Dee: You’ve done it before. You can do it again.
Henry: Well, we’re exercising though. Shooting and stuff. I mean, I can’t do cocaine while shooting and exercising. That wouldn’t be good.
Dee Dee: [referring to the cocaine] Okay, so how do I do it?
Henry: You eat it.
Dee Dee: How much?
Henry: Like a tablespoon’s worth.
'Lizards are good listeners. But people, people are good at hearing.' - Stache (Cocaine Bear) Click To Tweet
Dee Dee: Something got into it. A deer, maybe.
Henry: Could you imagine that? Deer on cocaine?
Henry: Hey, Dee Dee. Do you think my dad has ever done cocaine?
Dee Dee: Your dad has definitely done cocaine.
Dee Dee: [as they see the bear] Did it do the cocaine?
Henry: Don’t move a muscle.
Eddie: I don’t hang out with drug dealers anymore. It’s against my constitution.
Daveed: I’m more than a drug dealer.
Eddie: No, you’re not.
Peter: Nothing can distract me from making sure the entire biological community is safe for all our friends.
Ranger Liz: He means animals.
Peter: I don’t like that word.
Ranger Liz: He doesn’t like to call them animals.
Ranger Liz: Park rangers are peace officers. Which means we can shoot people. Forest is a dangerous place. That gang of pubes are dangerous.
Peter: “Gang of pubes”?
Ranger Liz: Teens. Delinquents.
Kid (Stache): We stashed it under a gazebo. Going back for it later tonight.
Daveed: A gazebo?
Kid (Stache): It’s a pavilion-type structure.
Daveed: I know what the f*** a gazebo is.
Eddie: I didn’t.
Eddie: I prefer we left guns out of this.
Kid (Stache): Yeah. Same.
Daveed: And I would prefer not to be stabbed. So, Eddie, please go get the f***ing gun.
Kid (Stache): [referring to Daveed] Friend’s pretty serious, ain’t he?
Eddie: Well, I don’t think he’s too happy after getting stabbed in the shoulder.
Kid (Stache): Well, it wasn’t me. Eh, I don’t blame him though. Getting stabbed sucks.
Henry: Don’t be mad, but we skipped school.
Sari: No s**t, Henry.
Henry: But there was a bear. A really terrible bear.
Sari: A bear?
Henry: Yeah, I know. It was f***ed!
Ranger Liz: Hey! That’s inappropriate.
Peter: Bears are very peaceful creatures.
Peter: [to Liz] Why are you shooting at me?!
Ranger Liz: [referring to the bear] That a**hole! I’m going to get him. I’m going to get that a**hole.
Peter: [referring to the bear, as he climbs the tree] There’s something wrong with it.
Henry: Yeah. I told you there was.
Peter: Why is it acting like this? Did you feed it cocaine?
Henry: No! But you’re safe. Bears can’t climb trees.
Peter: Of course they can!
Henry: Then why are you up here?
Henry: [referring to Peter] That was so messed up. That little man was an expert on bears, but didn’t know the bear was the cocaine bear.